When I was a child, every day was full of fun, gratitude, and joy.
Recently, I have been overflowing with happy feelings in my daily life, and I find myself spontaneously expressing gratitude, which brings joy and a sense of fulfillment.
However, I suddenly remembered that when I was a child, I also felt that every day was filled with joy and fulfillment, and the world seemed to shine.
That feeling, which I had forgotten, eventually became cursed, leading to mental depression and frequent unconscious trances. I struggled a lot, but I finally feel like I have returned to the joyful state I had as a child.
I remember that I was very happy as a child, but for a while, I didn't experience that same kind of joy. I wasn't even trying to achieve it, but suddenly, I found myself back in a state of joyful days.
In ordinary, everyday moments, for example, simply walking down the stairs, I can feel grateful for not only my own room but also for other houses, walls, other people's rooms, and everything around me.
Without any particular reason, just by existing, it is something to be grateful for.
It could be said that everything that exists is something to be grateful for, but this is not a conditional gratitude; it is gratitude for existence itself. If I were to put it into words, it is gratitude for being "full," and the fact that everything around me exists makes me feel "grateful."
I think that when I was a child, I felt the same way about everything around me. I went to school and felt grateful for everything, looking around with a smile. And when I looked at the girls in my class, (perhaps it was due to my overthinking), some of them who smiled at me might have thought, "Does she like me?" I didn't mean to, but I often made them misunderstand just by looking at them. I still have moments like that sometimes, but thankfully, I'm older now, so I don't get misunderstood as often.
Even when living a happy life, I was attacked by curses and energy vampires who persistently tried to drain my energy. So, the "law of vibration" that spiritual people talk about is not always accurate in the real world. While the law of vibration may hold true in terms of manifestation, there is a type of karma called "pralabdha karma," which means that once a karma is activated, it continues. Therefore, it is necessary to deal with curses and attacks from energy vampires that already exist nearby.
When I was a child, I didn't know how to deal with these things, so I was often victimized. However, this was also because I was in a "place with no escape," which is school, where attackers could persistently harass me, and the environment was such that the attackers had a significant advantage. If you live in a relatively urban area as an adult, you can choose your relationships, so you should avoid people who curse you, and similarly, you should avoid energy vampires. It is often said that you should stay at a company for a long time, but in reality, if your boss is an energy vampire, you will continue to be exploited, so you should not work in such an environment.
I think that when people are young, many of them live with smiles, but eventually, they become poisoned.
In general, when children are young, they have few choices in life, and if they are surrounded by adults who are not understanding of mental matters, these stories may not be understood and they may be neglected, and the smiles and potential of children are being crushed one after another.
Children born to parents who are only interested in money, material possessions, and sex will struggle with mental matters. That was a learning experience for me.
However, I suddenly remembered that when I was a child, I also felt that every day was filled with joy and fulfillment, and the world seemed to shine.
That feeling, which I had forgotten, eventually became cursed, leading to mental depression and frequent unconscious trances. I struggled a lot, but I finally feel like I have returned to the joyful state I had as a child.
I remember that I was very happy as a child, but for a while, I didn't experience that same kind of joy. I wasn't even trying to achieve it, but suddenly, I found myself back in a state of joyful days.
In ordinary, everyday moments, for example, simply walking down the stairs, I can feel grateful for not only my own room but also for other houses, walls, other people's rooms, and everything around me.
Without any particular reason, just by existing, it is something to be grateful for.
It could be said that everything that exists is something to be grateful for, but this is not a conditional gratitude; it is gratitude for existence itself. If I were to put it into words, it is gratitude for being "full," and the fact that everything around me exists makes me feel "grateful."
I think that when I was a child, I felt the same way about everything around me. I went to school and felt grateful for everything, looking around with a smile. And when I looked at the girls in my class, (perhaps it was due to my overthinking), some of them who smiled at me might have thought, "Does she like me?" I didn't mean to, but I often made them misunderstand just by looking at them. I still have moments like that sometimes, but thankfully, I'm older now, so I don't get misunderstood as often.
Even when living a happy life, I was attacked by curses and energy vampires who persistently tried to drain my energy. So, the "law of vibration" that spiritual people talk about is not always accurate in the real world. While the law of vibration may hold true in terms of manifestation, there is a type of karma called "pralabdha karma," which means that once a karma is activated, it continues. Therefore, it is necessary to deal with curses and attacks from energy vampires that already exist nearby.
When I was a child, I didn't know how to deal with these things, so I was often victimized. However, this was also because I was in a "place with no escape," which is school, where attackers could persistently harass me, and the environment was such that the attackers had a significant advantage. If you live in a relatively urban area as an adult, you can choose your relationships, so you should avoid people who curse you, and similarly, you should avoid energy vampires. It is often said that you should stay at a company for a long time, but in reality, if your boss is an energy vampire, you will continue to be exploited, so you should not work in such an environment.
I think that when people are young, many of them live with smiles, but eventually, they become poisoned.
In general, when children are young, they have few choices in life, and if they are surrounded by adults who are not understanding of mental matters, these stories may not be understood and they may be neglected, and the smiles and potential of children are being crushed one after another.
Children born to parents who are only interested in money, material possessions, and sex will struggle with mental matters. That was a learning experience for me.
When Sushumna passes from Ajna to Anahata, the demonic realm appears.
Recently, the feeling of the heart chakra (Anahata) has been activated, and I feel like I'm going through a period of adolescence.
I suspect this might be what is described as "magical realm" in Buddhism. I think I've experienced similar things before, but in the past month, I've been experiencing a rather intense "magical realm."
Recently, I've mostly overcome it, but after the Sushumna (the energy channel along the spine, one of the main Nadis in yoga) has been activated, a different kind of "magical realm" has appeared. I think this is probably an emotional "magical realm" caused by connecting with the astral plane.
1. Dysfunction (a so-called "magical realm") caused by energy being blocked in the head (3 weeks ago to 2 weeks ago).
2. A "magical realm" caused by the Sushumna channel passing from Ajna to the Vishuddha (throat chakra), and then to the Anahata (heart chakra), activating the emotional and astral aspects (this seems like the true "magical realm"). (About 1 week recently)
3. If Ajna opens even a little, or if Sahasrara (crown chakra) opens even a little, the "magical realm" is resolved. (These past few days)
When the energy is connected to Ajna and Sahasrara, and the energy is filling Ajna or Sahasrara, I don't experience the "magical realm," and I feel energetic and fulfilled. However, when Ajna or Sahasrara doesn't open properly, I feel like I'm in an emotional "magical realm" state.
I suspect this might be what is described as "magical realm" in Buddhism. I think I've experienced similar things before, but in the past month, I've been experiencing a rather intense "magical realm."
Recently, I've mostly overcome it, but after the Sushumna (the energy channel along the spine, one of the main Nadis in yoga) has been activated, a different kind of "magical realm" has appeared. I think this is probably an emotional "magical realm" caused by connecting with the astral plane.
1. Dysfunction (a so-called "magical realm") caused by energy being blocked in the head (3 weeks ago to 2 weeks ago).
2. A "magical realm" caused by the Sushumna channel passing from Ajna to the Vishuddha (throat chakra), and then to the Anahata (heart chakra), activating the emotional and astral aspects (this seems like the true "magical realm"). (About 1 week recently)
3. If Ajna opens even a little, or if Sahasrara (crown chakra) opens even a little, the "magical realm" is resolved. (These past few days)
When the energy is connected to Ajna and Sahasrara, and the energy is filling Ajna or Sahasrara, I don't experience the "magical realm," and I feel energetic and fulfilled. However, when Ajna or Sahasrara doesn't open properly, I feel like I'm in an emotional "magical realm" state.
In a labyrinth, a certain woman who had been forgotten is resurrected.
During the period of being in a state of confusion, for some reason, feelings and emotions towards a person (a woman) who I wasn't particularly close to and had almost forgotten, resurface. We only had meals together twice during our school days, I barely remember her, and we only talked for a few hours in total, so she's not someone I know well. However, for some reason, negative aspects of my behavior at that time flash back, and I experience a melancholic feeling similar to the pain of unrequited love during adolescence. In reality, I don't think what happened at that time was that significant. When I recall that time, we got along, but it didn't develop into a romantic relationship, and it ended there.
Although the factual basis is consistent, the feelings I experienced at that time are different from the content that flashes back and the actual memories I have. This is completely different from past "traumas related to real events." While the "material" used is from that time, the emotional content that is flashed back is different from what I actually felt at that time. I think this is a manifestation of being in a state of confusion. As often said in old stories, demons take material from the human mind and create a seemingly plausible story to tempt them. I suspect that the demon is using images from that time to fabricate memories that never existed. This is likely the work of a demon.
Until just before this, my mind was still closed, and in a state where my mind was not open, it was more like a simple energetic imbalance, not a state of confusion. It was just a simple imbalance, and it wasn't a state of confusion. At that point, the energy channel from Ajna to Sushumna had not yet opened, and after that, when the energy channel extended from Ajna to Sushumna, reaching Vishuddha and Anahata, emotional and astral aspects became activated, and I think that's when I started experiencing the state of confusion.
Although the factual basis is consistent, the feelings I experienced at that time are different from the content that flashes back and the actual memories I have. This is completely different from past "traumas related to real events." While the "material" used is from that time, the emotional content that is flashed back is different from what I actually felt at that time. I think this is a manifestation of being in a state of confusion. As often said in old stories, demons take material from the human mind and create a seemingly plausible story to tempt them. I suspect that the demon is using images from that time to fabricate memories that never existed. This is likely the work of a demon.
Until just before this, my mind was still closed, and in a state where my mind was not open, it was more like a simple energetic imbalance, not a state of confusion. It was just a simple imbalance, and it wasn't a state of confusion. At that point, the energy channel from Ajna to Sushumna had not yet opened, and after that, when the energy channel extended from Ajna to Sushumna, reaching Vishuddha and Anahata, emotional and astral aspects became activated, and I think that's when I started experiencing the state of confusion.
The Sushumna channel has opened, and I have become sensitive to emotions.
First, it seems that the energy of Sushumna is making me more sensitive to emotions. Since emotions belong to the astral realm, the energy that has newly connected and activated from Ajna to Anahata this time seems to be strong in the astral aspect. As a result, when listening to songs, for example, the emotions are conveyed very clearly. For example, a video of Namie Amuro that I happened to see was completely different in terms of emotion, and I was clearly moved. It seems that opening Sushumna enhances emotional sensitivity. If I had been able to feel emotions to this extent when I was young, I might have become a fan of Namie Amuro.
If it had been just that I became more sensitive to emotions, that would have been fine. However, the astral realm is inhabited by various beings, and until now, I have been in a state of being quite sealed off, so I could not perceive the astral realm. At the same time, this seal acted as a defense, making me less susceptible to the influence of the astral realm. However, when energy began to fill Sushumna and activated from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat, and then to Anahata, especially in Anahata, I became more sensitive to emotions.
In my case, the activation of Anahata was around the fourth stage, the first stage was the normal physical Kundalini, the second stage was the consciousness of creation, destruction, and maintenance, the third stage was the Purusha (divine spirit) that entered from Sahasrara, and this time, as the fourth time, the energy flowed from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat and reached Anahata, resulting in the emotional activation of Anahata.
Generally, it is said that Kundalini is activated from the part closest to the physical body, but in this case, it seems that the astral aspects that were not sufficiently activated were re-activated. It might also be said that the Purusha (divine spirit) called forth the astral aspects. There were no emotions when the Purusha entered, but after that, in the process of the Purusha redeveloping the body and reconfiguring it by activating various parts such as Ajna, it is likely that the astral and emotional aspects were not well activated until then, and that the Purusha intentionally remodeled the body to make it more sensitive to the astral aspects.
And, I think that perhaps, opening the astral senses has led to a kind of hell. If so, it might have been inevitable.
If it had been just that I became more sensitive to emotions, that would have been fine. However, the astral realm is inhabited by various beings, and until now, I have been in a state of being quite sealed off, so I could not perceive the astral realm. At the same time, this seal acted as a defense, making me less susceptible to the influence of the astral realm. However, when energy began to fill Sushumna and activated from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat, and then to Anahata, especially in Anahata, I became more sensitive to emotions.
In my case, the activation of Anahata was around the fourth stage, the first stage was the normal physical Kundalini, the second stage was the consciousness of creation, destruction, and maintenance, the third stage was the Purusha (divine spirit) that entered from Sahasrara, and this time, as the fourth time, the energy flowed from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat and reached Anahata, resulting in the emotional activation of Anahata.
Generally, it is said that Kundalini is activated from the part closest to the physical body, but in this case, it seems that the astral aspects that were not sufficiently activated were re-activated. It might also be said that the Purusha (divine spirit) called forth the astral aspects. There were no emotions when the Purusha entered, but after that, in the process of the Purusha redeveloping the body and reconfiguring it by activating various parts such as Ajna, it is likely that the astral and emotional aspects were not well activated until then, and that the Purusha intentionally remodeled the body to make it more sensitive to the astral aspects.
And, I think that perhaps, opening the astral senses has led to a kind of hell. If so, it might have been inevitable.
I was tempted in a realm of illusions caused by flashbacks that contradicted reality.
For the past three days, I've been experiencing past memories that, while sharing a basis with reality, diverge from it emotionally, putting me in a state similar to adolescence, making me more prone to tears. I've been wondering what I'm doing at my age and have been puzzled by my own mental fragility. I suspect that if I fail to overcome this, I might be consumed by these unreal emotional flashbacks, leading to a "do-over" of reality. I feel like I'm being rewound to a point in the past, my consciousness is in that moment, and I'm reliving the same mental distress I experienced decades ago. Although I was told, "No, please don't," I endured this hell for several days, and eventually, I realized that it would be much easier to overcome this hell than to endure it. This is a kind of rite of passage. If I fail to pass it, my wish to "I did something wrong to that person. I want to redo it. I want to apologize. I want to have a good relationship this time" will be confirmed, and time will be rewound, and I will have to relive the same mental distress in a different timeline for decades. I remember reading a similar story in Elizabeth Heydt's "Initiation."
This is like a curse, where demons fulfill the wishes of those who cannot accept reality and want to redo it. It's hard to tell whether they are demons or angels, as they seem to be mere managers of such situations, but some believe that demonic entities are involved, hindering progress and trying to make people redo their lives. This is a hell.
To overcome this hell, I meditated and repeatedly focused on Ajna and Sahasrara, ignoring the sentimental emotions similar to adolescence. When Ajna and Sahasrara are not open, emotions well up in Anahata, causing flashbacks of sweet, painful, and unrequited love from decades ago, reminiscent of adolescence (at my age).
While these emotions are not necessarily bad, I enjoyed them for a few days, but since the person in the image was not someone I had a relationship with, it was just a fantasy. I think it's time for the demons to leave.
When Ajna is activated and Sahasrara is somewhat open, these emotions created by the demons suddenly clear up and become peaceful. Although I still have some instability in Ajna and Sahasrara, I feel like I have overcome about 80% of it, and I think I have passed the mountain. While I enjoy these nostalgic feelings of adolescence sometimes, I was surprised to experience such feelings again at my age, and it was a little interesting. However, it's pointless to dwell on the past, so I confirmed that it was not reality and then overcame the hell of flashbacks.
It is said that Buddha received temptations from beautiful women in hell, but in my case, a girl I was not very close to was portrayed as incredibly attractive, and I was somehow put in a Romeo and Juliet or a forbidden love situation with her. Although she was a university student and I was a college student, so it could be considered a class difference, and I was somewhat hesitant back then, I think it's an over-the-top setup to compare it to Romeo and Juliet. Even demons, when creating a scenario in hell, might have come up with more plausible scenarios. However, the emotional temptation is very real, and the "atonement" is also incorporated, and the demons preach and explain, "You must actively approach her and make her happy to atone." They say, "Look, you didn't take good care of her, so she has failed in love and is still single and depressed." However, I don't know what she is doing now, and I have almost completely forgotten about her for decades. Also, there were doubts about the emotions, "Did it really happen? Was I really in that kind of relationship with her? What is this? I didn't have any feelings of heartbreak at all. I just didn't match. I did have times when we got along, but we were never in a romantic relationship. My fatigue back then was not caused by this, but by my mental distress." When I thought about it calmly, it was quite funny. However, demons have power, so they repeatedly create a "tragedy of two people" and try to persuade me, "You must save that girl," creating an emotional vortex and making me feel that way. However, I think, "I don't know what she is doing now," and even if she is, "I don't know where she is or what she is doing," but the demons insist, "No, you will meet her by chance. I will make it happen." They show me an image of her, "Look, this girl who lives with her parents in a detached house is going on a date with enthusiasm, but she is rarely invited on a second date and is feeling dejected," like a daytime drama. Is that true? Are they just creating a fake image and saying that? The actual girl is probably doing very well and doesn't even remember me. It's probably normal for women not to remember a man they have only met a few times. This is more like a third-rate screenwriter than a demon. In the current era, with a wide variety of dramas available, this kind of scenario wouldn't work. It's a shame for the demon. Everything is too ridiculous. There are men who can't forget a woman, but this is too much. I sometimes enjoy daytime dramas, but the scenario is cringeworthy.
A while ago, through yoga meditation, my mind became clear, and I felt a sense of activation, as if my cognitive abilities had improved. From that time on, I thought, "T University students probably have this level of mental acuity from the beginning, or even better." This led to memories resurfacing, which may have been used as "material" to create the illusion. Regardless, this feeling is an old energy and not something that can be used for the future. I believe that the image I had then is irrelevant, and now she is likely a kind, ordinary middle-aged woman. It's an oversimplification. I might not even recognize her if I saw her now, and there's no need to meet her. She probably doesn't even remember me. Therefore, it was simply material for my thoughts. That's probably the most appropriate way to think about it.
Sometimes, I remember past rejections, but in those cases, I wasn't even truly rejected; rather, I was the one who lost interest, and I apologize to the other person. Also, the content I saw in the video is different from those situations. It's just a performance. I tend to lose interest in relationships easily. I'm truly sorry to those I've hurt. It's okay to maintain a friendly relationship as a way to make amends and offer comfort, but the flashback I experienced is based on a premise that doesn't align with reality. (However, based on something I just remembered, there's another interpretation... This will be continued later.)
For a few days, I felt like my heart was broken, but after calming down and meditating properly, my heart began to heal.
It's often said in spiritual teachings and even in fictional stories that one's own spirit creates a doppelganger that tempts and deceives oneself. I've experienced similar things before, but this time, I was shown a very elaborate performance.
Furthermore, I've always had an "open" aura, which is a kind of spiritual vulnerability, and I tend to pick up the romantic feelings of those around me, even mistaking other people's relationships for my own. So, I think this kind of thing might just be my imagination. I pick up feelings of jealousy and heartbreak from others, even when it's not related to me, and I unintentionally feel hurt, happy, or even attracted. Now that my astral senses have reopened, I feel like I'm back to that old state. This time, I need to carefully judge things without unconsciously picking up everything like I used to.
Regarding the "illusion," Honzan Hosono's "Leaping to Superconsciousness" explains that it's a partial merging with the astral dimension. I believe I've only reached the astral dimension. While the unconscious mind may have the "Purusha" (divine spark) entering from the "Sahasrara" chakra, I can only consciously recognize the astral dimension. Therefore, in a normal sense, my primary state is the astral dimension. Everyone has the astral dimension, and some may even have the "Karana" and "Purusha," but the difference lies in which one is dominant.
According to Honzan Hosono's explanation, in the case of an illusion, there is a partial astral merging, so what is seen aligns with reality, or at least aligns in meaning, even if it's not exactly the same in terms of objects or appearance. I agree with this point. Indeed, when I was a child, I experienced an out-of-body experience and saw this girl's (at that time) future, and she seemed to be bad at romance, and she didn't get along well with men because she spoke too clearly and quickly, and she was seen as a romantic interest by men seeking comfort. She could have improved by speaking slowly and hinting at things instead of being direct, but she was so quick-witted that she didn't even realize that her hints were being interpreted as direct statements, and she was becoming romantically unsuccessful because of that. She was rejected for dates several times and felt frustrated for many years. Of course, I don't know if that's actually what happened, but I suddenly remembered it and thought, "That's the same thing the demon said..." So, I think there's a high probability that her future will be like that. The other two short T University students who were at the same dinner party seemed to find stable partners and get married in their third or fourth year, while the main character of this melodramatic video seems to be destined to be a tragic heroine who can't get married. Ultimately, it would be best if I could confirm the content I saw through out-of-body experiences or what demons have told me with the real world. Even with something like this, the accuracy is usually low, at best 30% or 50%, and rarely 10% or less. That's the normal range. Therefore, I'm not going to take these memories or the images from the demon too seriously. I only start to think that it might be true after seeing it from multiple angles many times.
This is like a curse, where demons fulfill the wishes of those who cannot accept reality and want to redo it. It's hard to tell whether they are demons or angels, as they seem to be mere managers of such situations, but some believe that demonic entities are involved, hindering progress and trying to make people redo their lives. This is a hell.
To overcome this hell, I meditated and repeatedly focused on Ajna and Sahasrara, ignoring the sentimental emotions similar to adolescence. When Ajna and Sahasrara are not open, emotions well up in Anahata, causing flashbacks of sweet, painful, and unrequited love from decades ago, reminiscent of adolescence (at my age).
While these emotions are not necessarily bad, I enjoyed them for a few days, but since the person in the image was not someone I had a relationship with, it was just a fantasy. I think it's time for the demons to leave.
When Ajna is activated and Sahasrara is somewhat open, these emotions created by the demons suddenly clear up and become peaceful. Although I still have some instability in Ajna and Sahasrara, I feel like I have overcome about 80% of it, and I think I have passed the mountain. While I enjoy these nostalgic feelings of adolescence sometimes, I was surprised to experience such feelings again at my age, and it was a little interesting. However, it's pointless to dwell on the past, so I confirmed that it was not reality and then overcame the hell of flashbacks.
It is said that Buddha received temptations from beautiful women in hell, but in my case, a girl I was not very close to was portrayed as incredibly attractive, and I was somehow put in a Romeo and Juliet or a forbidden love situation with her. Although she was a university student and I was a college student, so it could be considered a class difference, and I was somewhat hesitant back then, I think it's an over-the-top setup to compare it to Romeo and Juliet. Even demons, when creating a scenario in hell, might have come up with more plausible scenarios. However, the emotional temptation is very real, and the "atonement" is also incorporated, and the demons preach and explain, "You must actively approach her and make her happy to atone." They say, "Look, you didn't take good care of her, so she has failed in love and is still single and depressed." However, I don't know what she is doing now, and I have almost completely forgotten about her for decades. Also, there were doubts about the emotions, "Did it really happen? Was I really in that kind of relationship with her? What is this? I didn't have any feelings of heartbreak at all. I just didn't match. I did have times when we got along, but we were never in a romantic relationship. My fatigue back then was not caused by this, but by my mental distress." When I thought about it calmly, it was quite funny. However, demons have power, so they repeatedly create a "tragedy of two people" and try to persuade me, "You must save that girl," creating an emotional vortex and making me feel that way. However, I think, "I don't know what she is doing now," and even if she is, "I don't know where she is or what she is doing," but the demons insist, "No, you will meet her by chance. I will make it happen." They show me an image of her, "Look, this girl who lives with her parents in a detached house is going on a date with enthusiasm, but she is rarely invited on a second date and is feeling dejected," like a daytime drama. Is that true? Are they just creating a fake image and saying that? The actual girl is probably doing very well and doesn't even remember me. It's probably normal for women not to remember a man they have only met a few times. This is more like a third-rate screenwriter than a demon. In the current era, with a wide variety of dramas available, this kind of scenario wouldn't work. It's a shame for the demon. Everything is too ridiculous. There are men who can't forget a woman, but this is too much. I sometimes enjoy daytime dramas, but the scenario is cringeworthy.
A while ago, through yoga meditation, my mind became clear, and I felt a sense of activation, as if my cognitive abilities had improved. From that time on, I thought, "T University students probably have this level of mental acuity from the beginning, or even better." This led to memories resurfacing, which may have been used as "material" to create the illusion. Regardless, this feeling is an old energy and not something that can be used for the future. I believe that the image I had then is irrelevant, and now she is likely a kind, ordinary middle-aged woman. It's an oversimplification. I might not even recognize her if I saw her now, and there's no need to meet her. She probably doesn't even remember me. Therefore, it was simply material for my thoughts. That's probably the most appropriate way to think about it.
Sometimes, I remember past rejections, but in those cases, I wasn't even truly rejected; rather, I was the one who lost interest, and I apologize to the other person. Also, the content I saw in the video is different from those situations. It's just a performance. I tend to lose interest in relationships easily. I'm truly sorry to those I've hurt. It's okay to maintain a friendly relationship as a way to make amends and offer comfort, but the flashback I experienced is based on a premise that doesn't align with reality. (However, based on something I just remembered, there's another interpretation... This will be continued later.)
For a few days, I felt like my heart was broken, but after calming down and meditating properly, my heart began to heal.
It's often said in spiritual teachings and even in fictional stories that one's own spirit creates a doppelganger that tempts and deceives oneself. I've experienced similar things before, but this time, I was shown a very elaborate performance.
Furthermore, I've always had an "open" aura, which is a kind of spiritual vulnerability, and I tend to pick up the romantic feelings of those around me, even mistaking other people's relationships for my own. So, I think this kind of thing might just be my imagination. I pick up feelings of jealousy and heartbreak from others, even when it's not related to me, and I unintentionally feel hurt, happy, or even attracted. Now that my astral senses have reopened, I feel like I'm back to that old state. This time, I need to carefully judge things without unconsciously picking up everything like I used to.
Regarding the "illusion," Honzan Hosono's "Leaping to Superconsciousness" explains that it's a partial merging with the astral dimension. I believe I've only reached the astral dimension. While the unconscious mind may have the "Purusha" (divine spark) entering from the "Sahasrara" chakra, I can only consciously recognize the astral dimension. Therefore, in a normal sense, my primary state is the astral dimension. Everyone has the astral dimension, and some may even have the "Karana" and "Purusha," but the difference lies in which one is dominant.
According to Honzan Hosono's explanation, in the case of an illusion, there is a partial astral merging, so what is seen aligns with reality, or at least aligns in meaning, even if it's not exactly the same in terms of objects or appearance. I agree with this point. Indeed, when I was a child, I experienced an out-of-body experience and saw this girl's (at that time) future, and she seemed to be bad at romance, and she didn't get along well with men because she spoke too clearly and quickly, and she was seen as a romantic interest by men seeking comfort. She could have improved by speaking slowly and hinting at things instead of being direct, but she was so quick-witted that she didn't even realize that her hints were being interpreted as direct statements, and she was becoming romantically unsuccessful because of that. She was rejected for dates several times and felt frustrated for many years. Of course, I don't know if that's actually what happened, but I suddenly remembered it and thought, "That's the same thing the demon said..." So, I think there's a high probability that her future will be like that. The other two short T University students who were at the same dinner party seemed to find stable partners and get married in their third or fourth year, while the main character of this melodramatic video seems to be destined to be a tragic heroine who can't get married. Ultimately, it would be best if I could confirm the content I saw through out-of-body experiences or what demons have told me with the real world. Even with something like this, the accuracy is usually low, at best 30% or 50%, and rarely 10% or less. That's the normal range. Therefore, I'm not going to take these memories or the images from the demon too seriously. I only start to think that it might be true after seeing it from multiple angles many times.
The activation of the astral dimension can lead to a richer emotional experience.
Recently, mainly the astral body part has been activated along the Sushumna channel. Until now, I probably had a weak astral body, and based on what I could feel and sense from the consciousness that the Purusha (divine spirit) entered the Anahata chakra recently, "This body is sufficient for normally working and ending life, but it lacks the ability to fulfill a new role. It needs to be modified." Therefore, it seems that the Purusha is intentionally and relatively forcefully and quickly activating the parts that are lacking, such as the astral Sushumna, and this may be causing the "hellish" symptoms as a reaction.
It seems that my body was below average, and I wasn't even using my brain properly. I also had a mumbled way of speaking, and I had the aftereffects of diabetes, so I was in a very poor condition. It seems that the Purusha was also hesitant about whether to start over from the beginning before entering my body, but after various considerations, it decided that it could still be used, so it entered through the Sahasrara and is forcibly modifying the body.
The "hellish" state is just what my conscious mind is perceiving. The Purusha (divine spirit) inside my chest is not aware of it and is enjoying a melancholic feeling like adolescence for the first time in a long time, intending to activate the emotional aspect. Although it is called a "hellish" state, it is a "hellish" state because it imprisons you, but the fact that it becomes rich in emotions itself is a good thing. It is not that it has become better, but rather that it is recovering to a normal state, but even so, it is in a better state than before.
If adolescence is experienced and grown properly, emotions will become rich. I have that feeling. It's a bit late.
Because my heart felt broken, my relationships didn't go well, and I became mentally unstable. Now, my heart is almost completely healed, and I don't feel pain or a sense of brokenness when I remember these things, so I think it has been almost overcome.
In a relatively common pattern, the astral body is activated after the physical body, so emotions become rich during adolescence. I suppressed my emotions during adolescence, so my emotional development was delayed. Probably, it was caused by suppressing emotions due to abuse from childhood. Next, I used to enter a semi-trance state when creating things on a computer, so I prioritized the logical aspect (Causal, Karana) over the emotional aspect, which may be a factor.
In any case, with the activation of the emotional aspect of the astral body, which was lacking until now, I think I have finally become as normal as others in terms of emotions.
In a way, it would have been easier to fulfill the purpose of understanding the conflicts and negative aspects of this world if my heart was broken. So, in a way, it is a perfect life. I have already achieved that purpose, so it is not a problem to repair my heart and emotions. I am gradually returning to the person I was before I was born. The difference is so great that I could say that I was not "alive" until now.
It seems that I should sublimate unhealthy emotions into what the higher (invisible) guides called "complete emotions." It seems that, as a subject for that, I was made to imagine and experience a Romeo and Juliet-like tragic fate, such as a devil's temptation, based on impossible situations and memories that were not actually real.
Through the "hellish" experience of the past week, I received a hint on how to deal with emotions in that way.
It seems that my body was below average, and I wasn't even using my brain properly. I also had a mumbled way of speaking, and I had the aftereffects of diabetes, so I was in a very poor condition. It seems that the Purusha was also hesitant about whether to start over from the beginning before entering my body, but after various considerations, it decided that it could still be used, so it entered through the Sahasrara and is forcibly modifying the body.
The "hellish" state is just what my conscious mind is perceiving. The Purusha (divine spirit) inside my chest is not aware of it and is enjoying a melancholic feeling like adolescence for the first time in a long time, intending to activate the emotional aspect. Although it is called a "hellish" state, it is a "hellish" state because it imprisons you, but the fact that it becomes rich in emotions itself is a good thing. It is not that it has become better, but rather that it is recovering to a normal state, but even so, it is in a better state than before.
If adolescence is experienced and grown properly, emotions will become rich. I have that feeling. It's a bit late.
Because my heart felt broken, my relationships didn't go well, and I became mentally unstable. Now, my heart is almost completely healed, and I don't feel pain or a sense of brokenness when I remember these things, so I think it has been almost overcome.
In a relatively common pattern, the astral body is activated after the physical body, so emotions become rich during adolescence. I suppressed my emotions during adolescence, so my emotional development was delayed. Probably, it was caused by suppressing emotions due to abuse from childhood. Next, I used to enter a semi-trance state when creating things on a computer, so I prioritized the logical aspect (Causal, Karana) over the emotional aspect, which may be a factor.
In any case, with the activation of the emotional aspect of the astral body, which was lacking until now, I think I have finally become as normal as others in terms of emotions.
In a way, it would have been easier to fulfill the purpose of understanding the conflicts and negative aspects of this world if my heart was broken. So, in a way, it is a perfect life. I have already achieved that purpose, so it is not a problem to repair my heart and emotions. I am gradually returning to the person I was before I was born. The difference is so great that I could say that I was not "alive" until now.
It seems that I should sublimate unhealthy emotions into what the higher (invisible) guides called "complete emotions." It seems that, as a subject for that, I was made to imagine and experience a Romeo and Juliet-like tragic fate, such as a devil's temptation, based on impossible situations and memories that were not actually real.
Through the "hellish" experience of the past week, I received a hint on how to deal with emotions in that way.
Immerse yourself completely and experience emotions fully while observing.
In the world of theater, it seems that the topic of whether to immerse oneself in a role or simply act a typical role comes up, and in Japan, the immersive approach has long been the mainstream teaching method, but there seems to be a notion that the typical approach is correct. In my case, this is not about theater, but the way of thinking in theater regarding this issue is insightful for understanding the mind. I think that what is called "immersion" here is not simply losing oneself, but rather a state of complete emotional immersion with awareness, which is what constitutes a complete emotion. This means that it is not about losing oneself in the immersion, but rather a state of complete emotional immersion with awareness. For actors, it is a combination of both, and (in the real world, emotions are not intentionally triggered, but occur spontaneously, so the typical approach is not relevant), there is a difference between immersing oneself in the emotion and losing oneself in reality, and experiencing the emotion completely while observing and understanding it.
Until this stage, I thought that complete emotions were impossible, and that even when expressing emotions, I was often swayed by them and experiencing incomplete emotions. Therefore, I had been striving to achieve a higher state by meditating and maintaining stillness or emptiness. However, it seems that such stillness and emptiness are, after all, only one element for achieving "complete emotions."
And I think that my guide intentionally orchestrated a Romeo and Juliet story that was so unrealistic and disconnected from past reality in order to help me understand "complete emotions."
Therefore, what we should do now is to embody complete emotions in various emotions. Stillness is a foundation, and silence is also a foundation, and these foundations can be cultivated through meditation. The next step seems to be to embody complete emotions on top of these foundations.
This time, because the story was disconnected from reality, it was easier to notice. However, from now on, it seems that the subject matter will likely be real past events, which may make it more difficult. I will probably have to recall many incomplete emotions from the past, including events that were once traumatic, and recreate those old energies. Since those were incomplete emotions, I think that by experiencing them with my current awareness, I will be able to elevate them to complete emotions, and in doing so, they will be resolved.
Even past traumatic events will be recreated as "broken emotions" within my heart, and eventually, those broken emotions will be elevated to complete emotions. To achieve this, I will meditate and gradually replace old energies with complete ones.
Until this stage, I thought that complete emotions were impossible, and that even when expressing emotions, I was often swayed by them and experiencing incomplete emotions. Therefore, I had been striving to achieve a higher state by meditating and maintaining stillness or emptiness. However, it seems that such stillness and emptiness are, after all, only one element for achieving "complete emotions."
And I think that my guide intentionally orchestrated a Romeo and Juliet story that was so unrealistic and disconnected from past reality in order to help me understand "complete emotions."
Therefore, what we should do now is to embody complete emotions in various emotions. Stillness is a foundation, and silence is also a foundation, and these foundations can be cultivated through meditation. The next step seems to be to embody complete emotions on top of these foundations.
This time, because the story was disconnected from reality, it was easier to notice. However, from now on, it seems that the subject matter will likely be real past events, which may make it more difficult. I will probably have to recall many incomplete emotions from the past, including events that were once traumatic, and recreate those old energies. Since those were incomplete emotions, I think that by experiencing them with my current awareness, I will be able to elevate them to complete emotions, and in doing so, they will be resolved.
Even past traumatic events will be recreated as "broken emotions" within my heart, and eventually, those broken emotions will be elevated to complete emotions. To achieve this, I will meditate and gradually replace old energies with complete ones.
To sublimate incomplete emotions into complete emotions.
When it comes to trauma and conflict, I used to think that the primary goal was to resolve or eliminate them. There was a sense that because there was a state of trauma, we needed to eliminate it, or because there was a conflict, we needed to eliminate it. At the same time, the intention was also to heal, but the methods for repairing the damaged parts were time-consuming, and most of them seemed to involve "separating" from something. Consequently, relationships often ended up being linked to the act of "leaving."
However, recently, I've come to think that trauma and conflict in the astral realm are not something to be eliminated, but rather, they are incomplete emotions that need to be restored to a complete state. Incomplete emotions are like something is missing, like a broken crystal ball. And the goal is to restore that broken crystal ball to a complete state.
Even before, I now realize that the basic intention of meditation, which is to focus and aim for stillness (from a state of mental clutter), was essentially the same thing. This becomes clear if you pay attention to the movements of the mind. However, if you look at the same phenomenon as energy, the problem of emotional issues is resolved by restoring the state of a broken, incomplete aura to a complete, circular, and unbroken aura.
Being in a state of complete emotion doesn't mean "becoming" the emotion itself, but rather, it's a state where you fully experience the emotion without being consumed by it, savoring the emotion completely while also maintaining harmony. That's what I think of as a state of complete emotion.
In meditation, we often aim for stillness or eliminating mental clutter, and that's a valid goal in itself. However, if you achieve stillness and eliminate emotions, becoming a blank slate, that's only a temporary state. People who study Vipassana meditation or Vedanta often say, "If you eliminate the mind, what's the point?" And that's a valid question, especially at this stage. First, there needs to be a foundation of stillness and a blank mind, and then, there needs to be a proper understanding of the movements of the mind.
However, recently, I've come to think that trauma and conflict in the astral realm are not something to be eliminated, but rather, they are incomplete emotions that need to be restored to a complete state. Incomplete emotions are like something is missing, like a broken crystal ball. And the goal is to restore that broken crystal ball to a complete state.
Even before, I now realize that the basic intention of meditation, which is to focus and aim for stillness (from a state of mental clutter), was essentially the same thing. This becomes clear if you pay attention to the movements of the mind. However, if you look at the same phenomenon as energy, the problem of emotional issues is resolved by restoring the state of a broken, incomplete aura to a complete, circular, and unbroken aura.
Being in a state of complete emotion doesn't mean "becoming" the emotion itself, but rather, it's a state where you fully experience the emotion without being consumed by it, savoring the emotion completely while also maintaining harmony. That's what I think of as a state of complete emotion.
In meditation, we often aim for stillness or eliminating mental clutter, and that's a valid goal in itself. However, if you achieve stillness and eliminate emotions, becoming a blank slate, that's only a temporary state. People who study Vipassana meditation or Vedanta often say, "If you eliminate the mind, what's the point?" And that's a valid question, especially at this stage. First, there needs to be a foundation of stillness and a blank mind, and then, there needs to be a proper understanding of the movements of the mind.
Complete emotions are a common feeling for many women.
Recently, I've been experiencing a surge of emotional aspects related to the astral plane, and it initially felt like a chaotic situation or a regression in progress. However, I believe that I've finally reached a stage where I can properly and completely manage these astral aspects. It seems that being at a higher level is necessary to effectively handle astral emotions, and even at the next level, the causal level, one might still be swayed. Perhaps, it's only when Purusha gains sufficient dominance that one can effectively deal with astral issues.
However, for many people, this might seem like common knowledge, especially for healthy women, and they might think, "What's the point of talking about this now?" It seems that the range of emotions that women learn from a young age, during puberty, is not necessarily common for many men, and that's why there's a significant gap in understanding between women's sensibilities and emotions and men's perceptions.
Now, I've only just taken the first step, and it's not as if I've reached a superior or amazing level. It feels like I've only just learned something that women naturally learn.
After much meditation, I've realized that what I've arrived at is nothing extraordinary, just something quite ordinary.
Therefore, I feel that I've spent my life so far with a certain lack of emotional fulfillment. Many of my experiences might have had different outcomes if I had fully embraced my emotions. While it's too late to lament, I want to strive to achieve complete emotional experiences in the future, and I feel the need to awaken and transmute old energies through meditation.
Recent meditation sessions have somewhat released mental blocks, but simply improving mental agility or articulation is not enough. I believe that becoming a complete human being requires transforming emotional aspects into "complete emotions." This seems to be the ultimate goal of meditation.
People who get stuck in meditation may feel that they are misinterpreting or feeling trapped because they are seeking something transcendent on top of the state of stillness or contemplation. However, the reality is that the world is made up of multiple dimensions, with higher and lower levels, and that achieving completeness involves a trinity of the physical, the astral, and the logical. This is what the teachings of Mahayana Buddhism and Christ emphasize as a moral and loving way of life, which is different from the occult notion of transcending to a special, separate world or state.
Sometimes, one might feel lost and think that there's something transcendent beyond stillness, or that there's another world. However, it's simply that we live in this world, and the goal is a trinity. Once you understand that, what seems like a trap might not be so, and it's just a matter of incomplete emotions. By aiming for complete trinity, including the "trap," you can achieve completeness.
When incomplete emotions arise, they are transmuted into complete emotions through meditation or prayer. That's all there is to it. It's like repairing a broken crystal ball in the chest aura to become a complete crystal ball. The energetic transformation becomes a repair of emotions, and broken, incomplete emotions transform and transmute into complete emotions.
The foundation of this is concentration and stillness, and by channeling energy through the Sushumna along the spine, from Ajna to Vishuddha, and to Anahata, the astral emotions are activated, allowing one to properly handle emotions, whether they are incomplete or complete. This "complete emotion" is not something different from ordinary emotions; it's about fully experiencing all emotions, including joy, sadness, lamentation, and pleasure. The extent to which one can fully experience emotions varies from person to person, and the depth varies depending on the situation and the individual.
In spiritual practices, there's a tendency to view astral emotions as inferior and to hierarchically place the causal level or Purusha as superior. However, in reality, everything is one, and in the Vedantic view, everything is Ishvara and Brahman, so there is no high or low. The feeling of high or low is simply a matter of incomplete emotions. Emotions are simply movements of the mind brought about by sensory organs, and the key is to experience them as complete emotions.
Emotions become unpleasant or cause disharmony because they are broken. Complete emotions (regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight) are harmony and sublimation.
Incomplete emotions have good and bad aspects, but complete emotions have no good or bad aspects, regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight. In reality, evil is simply incompleteness. Rather than eliminating evil, since evil is incomplete, if it is restored to completeness, it becomes what is called good. This may be difficult to convey in words. This is not about the good and bad of actions, but about the fact that there is originally no good or bad in emotions. What can be called "evil" in terms of emotions is simply incomplete emotions, so it is better to restore or replace them with complete emotions.
In other words, incomplete emotions lack love, and complete emotions are love, regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight.
I understood this through a story that is reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet, but which is impossible. Although the story is a third-rate drama, it deliberately leaves some unnatural points in order to make you think about it, and I think it is a well-structured story.
However, at that point, the story, which I thought was unrealistic and incoherent, unexpectedly becomes interpretable and understandable in various ways.
However, for many people, this might seem like common knowledge, especially for healthy women, and they might think, "What's the point of talking about this now?" It seems that the range of emotions that women learn from a young age, during puberty, is not necessarily common for many men, and that's why there's a significant gap in understanding between women's sensibilities and emotions and men's perceptions.
Now, I've only just taken the first step, and it's not as if I've reached a superior or amazing level. It feels like I've only just learned something that women naturally learn.
After much meditation, I've realized that what I've arrived at is nothing extraordinary, just something quite ordinary.
Therefore, I feel that I've spent my life so far with a certain lack of emotional fulfillment. Many of my experiences might have had different outcomes if I had fully embraced my emotions. While it's too late to lament, I want to strive to achieve complete emotional experiences in the future, and I feel the need to awaken and transmute old energies through meditation.
Recent meditation sessions have somewhat released mental blocks, but simply improving mental agility or articulation is not enough. I believe that becoming a complete human being requires transforming emotional aspects into "complete emotions." This seems to be the ultimate goal of meditation.
People who get stuck in meditation may feel that they are misinterpreting or feeling trapped because they are seeking something transcendent on top of the state of stillness or contemplation. However, the reality is that the world is made up of multiple dimensions, with higher and lower levels, and that achieving completeness involves a trinity of the physical, the astral, and the logical. This is what the teachings of Mahayana Buddhism and Christ emphasize as a moral and loving way of life, which is different from the occult notion of transcending to a special, separate world or state.
Sometimes, one might feel lost and think that there's something transcendent beyond stillness, or that there's another world. However, it's simply that we live in this world, and the goal is a trinity. Once you understand that, what seems like a trap might not be so, and it's just a matter of incomplete emotions. By aiming for complete trinity, including the "trap," you can achieve completeness.
When incomplete emotions arise, they are transmuted into complete emotions through meditation or prayer. That's all there is to it. It's like repairing a broken crystal ball in the chest aura to become a complete crystal ball. The energetic transformation becomes a repair of emotions, and broken, incomplete emotions transform and transmute into complete emotions.
The foundation of this is concentration and stillness, and by channeling energy through the Sushumna along the spine, from Ajna to Vishuddha, and to Anahata, the astral emotions are activated, allowing one to properly handle emotions, whether they are incomplete or complete. This "complete emotion" is not something different from ordinary emotions; it's about fully experiencing all emotions, including joy, sadness, lamentation, and pleasure. The extent to which one can fully experience emotions varies from person to person, and the depth varies depending on the situation and the individual.
In spiritual practices, there's a tendency to view astral emotions as inferior and to hierarchically place the causal level or Purusha as superior. However, in reality, everything is one, and in the Vedantic view, everything is Ishvara and Brahman, so there is no high or low. The feeling of high or low is simply a matter of incomplete emotions. Emotions are simply movements of the mind brought about by sensory organs, and the key is to experience them as complete emotions.
Emotions become unpleasant or cause disharmony because they are broken. Complete emotions (regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight) are harmony and sublimation.
Incomplete emotions have good and bad aspects, but complete emotions have no good or bad aspects, regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight. In reality, evil is simply incompleteness. Rather than eliminating evil, since evil is incomplete, if it is restored to completeness, it becomes what is called good. This may be difficult to convey in words. This is not about the good and bad of actions, but about the fact that there is originally no good or bad in emotions. What can be called "evil" in terms of emotions is simply incomplete emotions, so it is better to restore or replace them with complete emotions.
In other words, incomplete emotions lack love, and complete emotions are love, regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sorrow, or delight.
I understood this through a story that is reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet, but which is impossible. Although the story is a third-rate drama, it deliberately leaves some unnatural points in order to make you think about it, and I think it is a well-structured story.
However, at that point, the story, which I thought was unrealistic and incoherent, unexpectedly becomes interpretable and understandable in various ways.
By the way, the telepathy I experienced when I was a child was like this.
I had forgotten about it, but recently, as energy (prana) has begun to flow through the Sushumna channel, starting from Ajna, Vishuddha, and then Anahata, the "emotions" felt in Anahata are reminiscent of a childhood experience, a telepathic sensation. I could intuitively sense and understand what others were thinking.
In childhood, I constantly received negative emotions from classmates, such as anger, jealousy, hatred, or ridicule. I believe this may have damaged my telepathic abilities.
The first sign of emotional distress occurred in early childhood, when my paternal grandparents displayed dismissive, condescending, and irritable attitudes towards me, along with a certain degree of affection. This caused both comfort and pain. I wondered why they treated their grandchild in such a way, but they were incredibly friendly to the grandchildren of my other siblings. My grandmother, while showing some affection, seemed reluctant to spend money on me, and secretly called my mother to inquire about the amount spent, which is unusual. While my grandmother's attitude towards me seemed relatively normal, she showered my other nieces and nephews with money. Now that I think about it, my paternal grandparents and grandmother were quite unusual. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about how twisted individuals project their own inner turmoil onto others, leading to such harsh behavior. I now realize that my other siblings' grandchildren were treated with a sense of condescension by my paternal grandparents. It seems that there were many liars and people with twisted personalities in my paternal lineage.
Both my parents loved me in their own way, but they were both emotionally abusive. My father was prone to sudden outbursts, creating an environment where I had to constantly listen to his opinions and comply. My mother, while seemingly giving me choices, would become irritable and unhappy if things didn't go her way, forcing me to comply. I constantly had to gauge my parents' moods, which put me in a state of emotional distress. My mother would often hit my head hysterically, sometimes in public, which became a topic of conversation among other mothers and classmates. My mother would say, "This child is well-behaved and doesn't rebel," but my heart was already broken at that time. I tried to avoid thinking about it and often appeared blank, which my mother would comment on, saying, "This child always seems absent-minded." However, if I showed any signs of being present, my parents would often become angry, so I had to maintain a detached state. This constant state of detachment led my parents to believe that I was a quiet and good child, which resulted in them showing me a certain amount of affection. However, this also led to a twisted connection between abuse and attachment. Especially when I was younger, I was drawn to women with dominant personalities who often gave me instructions. I knew it was wrong, but I could only express my affection in a twisted way. I would often find myself drawn to these women, even though I knew that other, more normal girls would be better partners. I intellectually understood that this was not right, but I couldn't change my nature. It took a long time to change this preference. I was in a state of confusion during my adolescence, unsure of how to interact with women who had genuinely good personalities.
To escape this parental influence, I tried various things, but I was initially so mentally ill that I couldn't take any action. I gradually began to do things that would disappoint my parents, hoping to break free. I suspect that other children also consciously or unconsciously engage in similar behaviors, deliberately defying their parents' expectations. In my case, it was a bit late. Most children experience a rebellious phase during adolescence, but my heart was already broken, and I could only say "yes." My heart was broken.
I believe that the first major disruption of my telepathic abilities occurred in kindergarten, during my first year, when I was relentlessly bullied by a classmate, leading to a refusal to attend. I would become unable to move and say, "I don't want to go to kindergarten." Looking back, my parents didn't understand me much during this time, and they would say things like, "You're being lazy," without even trying to understand why I didn't want to go. I felt like they saw me as a "difficult child." While I received a certain amount of affection, there was little understanding or support for my refusal to attend kindergarten.
The kindergarten teacher planned for all of my classmates to come to my house, which led to my return to kindergarten. However, I was forced to return because it was deemed necessary. I actually thought it was unnecessary. While the teacher and my parents seemed relieved, my former classmates continued to bully me, saying things like, "We had to pick you up, or you would have stayed locked up at home. Come on." They even teased me by saying, "Hey, refuse to go to school again." My heart began to break from that time, and I was in a situation where "I had to smile, no matter what emotions I was feeling." I can say that my mental breakdown began even in kindergarten. This accumulated, and by the time I was in high school, my mental state was similar to that of Kamina from Z Gundam, although it wasn't as severe. When I saw them pretending to be friendly, the teacher seemed to think that "the students are getting along well," but my heart continued to break as I grew older. In elementary school, I often said, "I'm tired," as a catchphrase when I came home. At that time, I felt that my telepathic abilities were weakening, and my mind felt blank. My mother would say, "This child is always absent-minded," but my heart was already broken at that time.
When I was in the lower grades of elementary school, I fought back against my classmates, which softened their bullying behavior. However, my mental state was still quite broken. Although I recovered to some extent in junior high school, the environment in high school was not good, and my heart almost completely broke. In elementary and junior high school, I wasn't that slow, but after I became depressed in high school, my head hurt, my mind felt blank, and I felt dizzy, which clearly slowed down my thinking. School teachers would say, "I thought you would understand things more quickly," and I gradually started to be treated as a problem child. The school teachers didn't seem to be very interested in my mental health, and I was increasingly treated as a problem child. However, I managed to pass the university entrance exam. The teachers said, "You won't get into that school," so I was surprised. I moved to Tokyo for university and escaped that rural life.
Until high school, whenever I said something to my father, he would just say, "Shut up!" so it was useless. My mother, on the other hand, seemed to be only thinking about me supporting her financially after I got a job, and it was obvious that she was treating me well because of the money. I managed to escape that abnormal environment.
When I entered university, there were many people who were enjoying their youth without any major problems. There was a significant information gap between students from rural areas like me and those from prestigious high schools in Tokyo. I didn't even know what some of the words they were saying meant, such as "◯◯ is honya rara." I was shocked by the difference in environment and upbringing. However, looking back, those might have just been local expressions that only they understood, or perhaps I created a similar information gap between myself and the people who stayed in the countryside the moment I left the countryside. I didn't reach out to the people who stayed in the countryside to teach them and bridge the information gap, so I might have been the same. It's cruel, but that's probably what life is like. There are people who live in completely different worlds. I used to complain about that information gap, but I think it has been largely filled by the internet now (although there are still significant information and operational gaps). Now, it's rare to hear words that I've never heard before, and I can't even remember what some of the words meant back then. Looking back, I sometimes felt despair and lashed out at those around me, but that was my weakness. I should have endured the despair and tried to act more sincerely. I was constantly betrayed by those around me until high school, so I became suspicious. I should have trusted people more and tried to stay strong, even if I was betrayed. However, even looking back, there were various problems with prestigious high schools, and there were things that only students from each high school understood. Even at a university like T University, there was an information gap between students from prestigious high schools and those from high schools that sent a large number of students to T University, which caused a sense of alienation. Therefore, it was important to accept that information gap and try to learn from others, but I didn't do that very well. The attitude of "you should be taught" works in high school, but it is rejected in society after university. I didn't really know how to act in those situations. Looking back, there were many people around me who were mentally broken, and I often acted tired. I felt an invisible wall between people like me, who came from rural areas and didn't understand the situation, and people from good families who went to urban schools.
After that, I got a job, but even after getting a job, I deliberately took actions that contradicted my parents' expectations. When I got a job, they immediately tried to get me to buy a piece of land in the countryside, so I avoided going back home and dodged phone calls, just to get through it. Of course, as a new graduate with student loan repayments, I didn't have the financial means to buy land. Besides, there's no point in buying land in the countryside. It's not the bubble era anymore.
One of the things that helped me break free from those expectations and the constraints was my long-term world trip. Although I simply wanted to do it, when I told my parents about a long-term overseas trip when I was young, they were furious and told me to cut off contact. So, I didn't go abroad when I was young. However, after a while, I paid off the mortgage on the house and secured a certain level of income through side businesses, and then I quit my regular job without consulting them and went on a long-term overseas trip. To be honest, if my parents hadn't been so controlling, I might have been satisfied with a short trip when I was young. But since I was older and had some money, I traveled through Eurasia and South America, and I even rode a motorcycle from Colombia to the southernmost tip of South America.
My parents, who thought I was living my life according to their wishes, were shocked and betrayed. My father suddenly lost his energy, stopped leaving the house, and sat in a chair, which eventually led to his decline and premature death due to illness. However, I didn't feel sad or anything about my father's death, who was a father who would easily get angry and say things like "Shut up!" without even listening. In fact, I felt relieved. After his death, I learned that he was kind to my other siblings, while I didn't receive any pocket money after I got a job, but my other siblings received pocket money every time they visited. I was the one who was giving them pocket money. I was a parent's emotional slave and ATM, just to boost their self-esteem. At the time, I was working for a listed company, which I thought was something my father would be proud of, but I quit and went on a world trip, which disappointed him and he didn't understand me.
I didn't talk to my father because I knew it would be useless. However, I talked to my mother to some extent, and it helped resolve the issue. At first, my mother was very shocked by my rebellion and was speechless. But how many parents are there who would lament that their adult child made a decision based on their own free will? Until then, she probably thought I was living my life according to her instructions, just because I was too lazy to say "Yes, yes" and guide me as if she was in charge. There were also constraints from my mother, but I clearly told her, "I will not follow your instructions, and your judgment is fundamentally wrong," to break free from those constraints. My mother was better than my father because she could understand things to some extent, but I didn't want to go back to being a slave just to satisfy her desire to control me, even though I could sense that she was losing energy because she had lost the child she could control. Ultimately, this is about people who want to control others on the surface, but it's fundamentally about them being unintelligent. They don't realize what they are doing and the meaning behind it.
Because of this, I basically don't want to associate with unintelligent people.
I had this kind of pressure from my parents until I was in high school. When I entered university and started living alone, I finally broke free from the constraints of my parents, relatives, and relationships from high school, and entered a period of mental recovery. My broken heart was gradually healing, and although I experienced workplace harassment after getting a job, I managed to overcome it. By the late 1990s, I had more or less recovered to a minimum level. However, in such a broken state, I couldn't have a normal romantic relationship, and I only had relationships with S-type people, and most of those relationships ended in a breakup or argument. In fact, I think I didn't have deep relationships, but rather superficial ones. The influence of the skewed relationships I had when I was young has lingered for a long time. At that time, I couldn't have a normal romantic relationship. From a young age, there were many people around me, including relatives, who would put me down, and that was linked to love, so when I was young, I seemed to only feel love for people who would put me down in an S-type way. For example, I used to ask women, "Why don't you give me more commands? Why don't you restrain me more?" I was seeking a twisted kind of love when I was young.
There was a normal part within me, and there was also a part that was broken by external influences. Probably, at that time, those two parts were about half and half, and it seemed like I was in a situation close to having a double personality, where the normal part and the broken part would appear alternately. Sometimes, I would suddenly become in a trance and say something incomprehensible. Now that I think about it, if I had been prescribed medication to alleviate the symptoms, it would have been better. However, at the time, I had a resistance to psychiatric treatment. Nevertheless, I was good at IT since high school, where I created games, so I was able to do my job somehow, and as time went on, my broken heart was gradually healed.
In the past five years, I have gradually focused on enhancing my concentration and engaging in spiritual practices, including yoga and meditation, to heal my emotions and, as a result, I believe I have recently regained my telepathic abilities.
Bullying and abuse can waste decades of a person's life. However, I remembered that a casual remark I made when I was emotionally vulnerable caused a classmate to become ill. I once told a classmate who asked for help with studying, "You need to study more," and that caused them to refuse to attend school. Therefore, I may have been a perpetrator to some extent. I believe that there are situations where one unintentionally becomes a perpetrator while living. However, continuous bullying is a crime.
When I think back, I believe there were quite a few telepaths among my classmates when I was a child. It seemed that telepathy was common, and those who were not telepathic were often seen as lacking social awareness.
Being highly sensitive to the emotions of others is a double-edged sword. While it's good to understand positive emotions, it can be difficult to deal with the fatigue and negative feelings of people you're not close to. Continuously receiving jealousy and resentment can break a person's heart.
In spiritual circles, there's often talk of the "law of attraction," suggesting that one should only interact with people who resonate with their own energy. However, the ability to sense emotions, as I'm describing, is often unavoidable. For example, I can often sense the emotions of bus drivers or cashiers, even in casual interactions.
It might be helpful to learn how to deal with this from a teacher. The basic approach seems to be to create a protective barrier and to choose who you interact with. Also, having a good partner can strengthen your aura, which would naturally make you more resilient to these kinds of problems. Currently, my aura is still healing and seems unstable. Ideally, one should open the Anahata (heart) chakra in close relationships and create a boundary around it, establishing a wall between the inside and the outside. This is quite common. The concept of "creating space" that has been talked about for a long time is also related to the layers of the aura.
Now that my heart has been somewhat restored and I have regained my telepathic abilities from childhood, I want to be careful to maintain and protect them so that I don't break my heart again like I did when I was a child.
Old emotional energies sometimes resurface, so I will continue to resolve them by transforming negative emotions into positive ones.
The principle of "not associating with immoral people," which is emphasized in Buddhism and yoga, is also important. However, based on my own experiences and considerations, I believe that it is essential to be sincere even with immoral people. However, it is important not to be naive and to be able to refuse or escape if necessary. In schools or rural areas, there may be no escape routes, which can lead to a broken heart. Therefore, I need to find a way to avoid this situation. While those who are kind and moral suffer, those who abuse others thrive. Therefore, I must adhere to the principle of "not associating with immoral people." This principle is paramount, and sometimes it may lead to socially undesirable situations, such as not attending school or frequently changing jobs. However, I have decided to prioritize my mental health above all else, and everything else is secondary. I will no longer allow myself to be in a state of mental breakdown for an extended period of time (although temporary setbacks are expected).
After a long time, I regained my telepathic abilities, and it felt nostalgic. I feel like I have finally returned to my original state. However, I have only recovered about one-third of my telepathic abilities from when I was a child. I am not yet at my peak.
However, it's good that I have regained my abilities, but it's more like I've returned to the state I was in when I was in elementary school, rather than achieving a new level of understanding. Therefore, I feel the need to adjust my mental state to be more compatible with mainstream society. Even though the level of understanding and the environment are the same, the context is different. There are no classmates, relatives, or neighbors who constantly bully you like when I was a child, and the understanding is completely different. Also, my ability to apply what I learn is different. Therefore, I think I need to redevelop the abilities and potential that I should have cultivated from that point in the past.
In childhood, I constantly received negative emotions from classmates, such as anger, jealousy, hatred, or ridicule. I believe this may have damaged my telepathic abilities.
The first sign of emotional distress occurred in early childhood, when my paternal grandparents displayed dismissive, condescending, and irritable attitudes towards me, along with a certain degree of affection. This caused both comfort and pain. I wondered why they treated their grandchild in such a way, but they were incredibly friendly to the grandchildren of my other siblings. My grandmother, while showing some affection, seemed reluctant to spend money on me, and secretly called my mother to inquire about the amount spent, which is unusual. While my grandmother's attitude towards me seemed relatively normal, she showered my other nieces and nephews with money. Now that I think about it, my paternal grandparents and grandmother were quite unusual. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about how twisted individuals project their own inner turmoil onto others, leading to such harsh behavior. I now realize that my other siblings' grandchildren were treated with a sense of condescension by my paternal grandparents. It seems that there were many liars and people with twisted personalities in my paternal lineage.
Both my parents loved me in their own way, but they were both emotionally abusive. My father was prone to sudden outbursts, creating an environment where I had to constantly listen to his opinions and comply. My mother, while seemingly giving me choices, would become irritable and unhappy if things didn't go her way, forcing me to comply. I constantly had to gauge my parents' moods, which put me in a state of emotional distress. My mother would often hit my head hysterically, sometimes in public, which became a topic of conversation among other mothers and classmates. My mother would say, "This child is well-behaved and doesn't rebel," but my heart was already broken at that time. I tried to avoid thinking about it and often appeared blank, which my mother would comment on, saying, "This child always seems absent-minded." However, if I showed any signs of being present, my parents would often become angry, so I had to maintain a detached state. This constant state of detachment led my parents to believe that I was a quiet and good child, which resulted in them showing me a certain amount of affection. However, this also led to a twisted connection between abuse and attachment. Especially when I was younger, I was drawn to women with dominant personalities who often gave me instructions. I knew it was wrong, but I could only express my affection in a twisted way. I would often find myself drawn to these women, even though I knew that other, more normal girls would be better partners. I intellectually understood that this was not right, but I couldn't change my nature. It took a long time to change this preference. I was in a state of confusion during my adolescence, unsure of how to interact with women who had genuinely good personalities.
To escape this parental influence, I tried various things, but I was initially so mentally ill that I couldn't take any action. I gradually began to do things that would disappoint my parents, hoping to break free. I suspect that other children also consciously or unconsciously engage in similar behaviors, deliberately defying their parents' expectations. In my case, it was a bit late. Most children experience a rebellious phase during adolescence, but my heart was already broken, and I could only say "yes." My heart was broken.
I believe that the first major disruption of my telepathic abilities occurred in kindergarten, during my first year, when I was relentlessly bullied by a classmate, leading to a refusal to attend. I would become unable to move and say, "I don't want to go to kindergarten." Looking back, my parents didn't understand me much during this time, and they would say things like, "You're being lazy," without even trying to understand why I didn't want to go. I felt like they saw me as a "difficult child." While I received a certain amount of affection, there was little understanding or support for my refusal to attend kindergarten.
The kindergarten teacher planned for all of my classmates to come to my house, which led to my return to kindergarten. However, I was forced to return because it was deemed necessary. I actually thought it was unnecessary. While the teacher and my parents seemed relieved, my former classmates continued to bully me, saying things like, "We had to pick you up, or you would have stayed locked up at home. Come on." They even teased me by saying, "Hey, refuse to go to school again." My heart began to break from that time, and I was in a situation where "I had to smile, no matter what emotions I was feeling." I can say that my mental breakdown began even in kindergarten. This accumulated, and by the time I was in high school, my mental state was similar to that of Kamina from Z Gundam, although it wasn't as severe. When I saw them pretending to be friendly, the teacher seemed to think that "the students are getting along well," but my heart continued to break as I grew older. In elementary school, I often said, "I'm tired," as a catchphrase when I came home. At that time, I felt that my telepathic abilities were weakening, and my mind felt blank. My mother would say, "This child is always absent-minded," but my heart was already broken at that time.
When I was in the lower grades of elementary school, I fought back against my classmates, which softened their bullying behavior. However, my mental state was still quite broken. Although I recovered to some extent in junior high school, the environment in high school was not good, and my heart almost completely broke. In elementary and junior high school, I wasn't that slow, but after I became depressed in high school, my head hurt, my mind felt blank, and I felt dizzy, which clearly slowed down my thinking. School teachers would say, "I thought you would understand things more quickly," and I gradually started to be treated as a problem child. The school teachers didn't seem to be very interested in my mental health, and I was increasingly treated as a problem child. However, I managed to pass the university entrance exam. The teachers said, "You won't get into that school," so I was surprised. I moved to Tokyo for university and escaped that rural life.
Until high school, whenever I said something to my father, he would just say, "Shut up!" so it was useless. My mother, on the other hand, seemed to be only thinking about me supporting her financially after I got a job, and it was obvious that she was treating me well because of the money. I managed to escape that abnormal environment.
When I entered university, there were many people who were enjoying their youth without any major problems. There was a significant information gap between students from rural areas like me and those from prestigious high schools in Tokyo. I didn't even know what some of the words they were saying meant, such as "◯◯ is honya rara." I was shocked by the difference in environment and upbringing. However, looking back, those might have just been local expressions that only they understood, or perhaps I created a similar information gap between myself and the people who stayed in the countryside the moment I left the countryside. I didn't reach out to the people who stayed in the countryside to teach them and bridge the information gap, so I might have been the same. It's cruel, but that's probably what life is like. There are people who live in completely different worlds. I used to complain about that information gap, but I think it has been largely filled by the internet now (although there are still significant information and operational gaps). Now, it's rare to hear words that I've never heard before, and I can't even remember what some of the words meant back then. Looking back, I sometimes felt despair and lashed out at those around me, but that was my weakness. I should have endured the despair and tried to act more sincerely. I was constantly betrayed by those around me until high school, so I became suspicious. I should have trusted people more and tried to stay strong, even if I was betrayed. However, even looking back, there were various problems with prestigious high schools, and there were things that only students from each high school understood. Even at a university like T University, there was an information gap between students from prestigious high schools and those from high schools that sent a large number of students to T University, which caused a sense of alienation. Therefore, it was important to accept that information gap and try to learn from others, but I didn't do that very well. The attitude of "you should be taught" works in high school, but it is rejected in society after university. I didn't really know how to act in those situations. Looking back, there were many people around me who were mentally broken, and I often acted tired. I felt an invisible wall between people like me, who came from rural areas and didn't understand the situation, and people from good families who went to urban schools.
After that, I got a job, but even after getting a job, I deliberately took actions that contradicted my parents' expectations. When I got a job, they immediately tried to get me to buy a piece of land in the countryside, so I avoided going back home and dodged phone calls, just to get through it. Of course, as a new graduate with student loan repayments, I didn't have the financial means to buy land. Besides, there's no point in buying land in the countryside. It's not the bubble era anymore.
One of the things that helped me break free from those expectations and the constraints was my long-term world trip. Although I simply wanted to do it, when I told my parents about a long-term overseas trip when I was young, they were furious and told me to cut off contact. So, I didn't go abroad when I was young. However, after a while, I paid off the mortgage on the house and secured a certain level of income through side businesses, and then I quit my regular job without consulting them and went on a long-term overseas trip. To be honest, if my parents hadn't been so controlling, I might have been satisfied with a short trip when I was young. But since I was older and had some money, I traveled through Eurasia and South America, and I even rode a motorcycle from Colombia to the southernmost tip of South America.
My parents, who thought I was living my life according to their wishes, were shocked and betrayed. My father suddenly lost his energy, stopped leaving the house, and sat in a chair, which eventually led to his decline and premature death due to illness. However, I didn't feel sad or anything about my father's death, who was a father who would easily get angry and say things like "Shut up!" without even listening. In fact, I felt relieved. After his death, I learned that he was kind to my other siblings, while I didn't receive any pocket money after I got a job, but my other siblings received pocket money every time they visited. I was the one who was giving them pocket money. I was a parent's emotional slave and ATM, just to boost their self-esteem. At the time, I was working for a listed company, which I thought was something my father would be proud of, but I quit and went on a world trip, which disappointed him and he didn't understand me.
I didn't talk to my father because I knew it would be useless. However, I talked to my mother to some extent, and it helped resolve the issue. At first, my mother was very shocked by my rebellion and was speechless. But how many parents are there who would lament that their adult child made a decision based on their own free will? Until then, she probably thought I was living my life according to her instructions, just because I was too lazy to say "Yes, yes" and guide me as if she was in charge. There were also constraints from my mother, but I clearly told her, "I will not follow your instructions, and your judgment is fundamentally wrong," to break free from those constraints. My mother was better than my father because she could understand things to some extent, but I didn't want to go back to being a slave just to satisfy her desire to control me, even though I could sense that she was losing energy because she had lost the child she could control. Ultimately, this is about people who want to control others on the surface, but it's fundamentally about them being unintelligent. They don't realize what they are doing and the meaning behind it.
Because of this, I basically don't want to associate with unintelligent people.
I had this kind of pressure from my parents until I was in high school. When I entered university and started living alone, I finally broke free from the constraints of my parents, relatives, and relationships from high school, and entered a period of mental recovery. My broken heart was gradually healing, and although I experienced workplace harassment after getting a job, I managed to overcome it. By the late 1990s, I had more or less recovered to a minimum level. However, in such a broken state, I couldn't have a normal romantic relationship, and I only had relationships with S-type people, and most of those relationships ended in a breakup or argument. In fact, I think I didn't have deep relationships, but rather superficial ones. The influence of the skewed relationships I had when I was young has lingered for a long time. At that time, I couldn't have a normal romantic relationship. From a young age, there were many people around me, including relatives, who would put me down, and that was linked to love, so when I was young, I seemed to only feel love for people who would put me down in an S-type way. For example, I used to ask women, "Why don't you give me more commands? Why don't you restrain me more?" I was seeking a twisted kind of love when I was young.
There was a normal part within me, and there was also a part that was broken by external influences. Probably, at that time, those two parts were about half and half, and it seemed like I was in a situation close to having a double personality, where the normal part and the broken part would appear alternately. Sometimes, I would suddenly become in a trance and say something incomprehensible. Now that I think about it, if I had been prescribed medication to alleviate the symptoms, it would have been better. However, at the time, I had a resistance to psychiatric treatment. Nevertheless, I was good at IT since high school, where I created games, so I was able to do my job somehow, and as time went on, my broken heart was gradually healed.
In the past five years, I have gradually focused on enhancing my concentration and engaging in spiritual practices, including yoga and meditation, to heal my emotions and, as a result, I believe I have recently regained my telepathic abilities.
Bullying and abuse can waste decades of a person's life. However, I remembered that a casual remark I made when I was emotionally vulnerable caused a classmate to become ill. I once told a classmate who asked for help with studying, "You need to study more," and that caused them to refuse to attend school. Therefore, I may have been a perpetrator to some extent. I believe that there are situations where one unintentionally becomes a perpetrator while living. However, continuous bullying is a crime.
When I think back, I believe there were quite a few telepaths among my classmates when I was a child. It seemed that telepathy was common, and those who were not telepathic were often seen as lacking social awareness.
Being highly sensitive to the emotions of others is a double-edged sword. While it's good to understand positive emotions, it can be difficult to deal with the fatigue and negative feelings of people you're not close to. Continuously receiving jealousy and resentment can break a person's heart.
In spiritual circles, there's often talk of the "law of attraction," suggesting that one should only interact with people who resonate with their own energy. However, the ability to sense emotions, as I'm describing, is often unavoidable. For example, I can often sense the emotions of bus drivers or cashiers, even in casual interactions.
It might be helpful to learn how to deal with this from a teacher. The basic approach seems to be to create a protective barrier and to choose who you interact with. Also, having a good partner can strengthen your aura, which would naturally make you more resilient to these kinds of problems. Currently, my aura is still healing and seems unstable. Ideally, one should open the Anahata (heart) chakra in close relationships and create a boundary around it, establishing a wall between the inside and the outside. This is quite common. The concept of "creating space" that has been talked about for a long time is also related to the layers of the aura.
Now that my heart has been somewhat restored and I have regained my telepathic abilities from childhood, I want to be careful to maintain and protect them so that I don't break my heart again like I did when I was a child.
Old emotional energies sometimes resurface, so I will continue to resolve them by transforming negative emotions into positive ones.
The principle of "not associating with immoral people," which is emphasized in Buddhism and yoga, is also important. However, based on my own experiences and considerations, I believe that it is essential to be sincere even with immoral people. However, it is important not to be naive and to be able to refuse or escape if necessary. In schools or rural areas, there may be no escape routes, which can lead to a broken heart. Therefore, I need to find a way to avoid this situation. While those who are kind and moral suffer, those who abuse others thrive. Therefore, I must adhere to the principle of "not associating with immoral people." This principle is paramount, and sometimes it may lead to socially undesirable situations, such as not attending school or frequently changing jobs. However, I have decided to prioritize my mental health above all else, and everything else is secondary. I will no longer allow myself to be in a state of mental breakdown for an extended period of time (although temporary setbacks are expected).
After a long time, I regained my telepathic abilities, and it felt nostalgic. I feel like I have finally returned to my original state. However, I have only recovered about one-third of my telepathic abilities from when I was a child. I am not yet at my peak.
However, it's good that I have regained my abilities, but it's more like I've returned to the state I was in when I was in elementary school, rather than achieving a new level of understanding. Therefore, I feel the need to adjust my mental state to be more compatible with mainstream society. Even though the level of understanding and the environment are the same, the context is different. There are no classmates, relatives, or neighbors who constantly bully you like when I was a child, and the understanding is completely different. Also, my ability to apply what I learn is different. Therefore, I think I need to redevelop the abilities and potential that I should have cultivated from that point in the past.
Defend against the impurity energy from entering Manipur.
Recently, I've been shown a story resembling an incomplete and fabricated version of Romeo and Juliet. I don't fully understand why, but it seems to be a type of energy called "defilement."
When I received this inspiration, I wondered, "What is defilement?" While I don't have a complete understanding yet, it seems to be something like this:
* It's an old energy, not from the present. It's an energy that has been dormant, existing in a certain place beyond the boundaries of time and space.
* It's not something the person in question is currently emitting. It's unrelated to the current state of that person.
This type of defilement can be dealt with or left alone, according to the guidance I received. However, when I asked, "What does that mean?" I was told:
* Since it's old energy, it's mostly something that can't be changed in reality. It's best to leave it alone.
* If it can be specifically resolved in reality, it's fine to do so. There's no problem with that.
* If left alone, the energy will gradually lose its power and disappear over time. It's important not to put energy into it. Thinking about this repeatedly will increase the energy and strengthen the defilement.
* Trying to influence this energy and change reality will have no effect. This is because the energy is already disconnected from the person, so any influence will only affect the defilement itself.
* In some cases, this can develop into a "thought-form" or "ideoplasm." In this case, it's just a simple illusion created by repeated patterns and material reuse. However, if it develops into strong resentment, it can behave as if it's a living entity with its own patterns of thought. This is rare. Basically, these kinds of images are just repeating patterns and have little meaning.
Therefore, there are various ways to deal with it. In terms of simply defending against defilement, you can "intercept" it by determining its "direction" and using your aura, like the palm of your hand, to receive it, and then grabbing and pinching it to stop it from entering your "manipura" (solar plexus).
In this case, I occasionally felt this defilement entering my manipura, and I wondered what to do. However, it was entering quite directly, so I "pinched" it a little away from my abdomen, and as a result, I was separated from the defilement, even though I could still feel it. My defense is not yet complete, but I have been significantly separated from it.
At first, I only felt a vague, amorphous energy and didn't know what it was. But then I thought, "Could this be defilement?"
The reason this defilement occurred is that there were various causes, including the fact that my attitude was not good at the time and I made the other person feel uncomfortable. This is the direct cause, but it's possible that, after that, the other person may have had difficulty in relationships and felt frustrated, which increased the defilement. However, I don't actually know what happened to that person, so I don't know if that's true. Either way, the energy is old and dormant, and it doesn't seem to have much deep meaning in itself.
The fact that influencing the energy doesn't change reality means that even if you deal with it seriously, it's useless. You can only gain lessons from it and apply them to the future. While defilement doesn't necessarily need to be dealt with, examining the energy and story that created it can provide lessons. In this case, it's a good opportunity to reflect on what problems my attitude and behavior caused and turn them into lessons. More than that, this defilement doesn't have much meaning. Even though the energy is still present, now that I've learned the lesson, it's fine to leave it alone. Of course, it can be resolved in various ways, but there's no problem with leaving it alone. If you try to resolve every such issue, it will never end. Also, even though I was the cause, it's not just my energy, and you often encounter defilement that has nothing to do with you. It's enough to defend and separate it after learning the lesson.
The same defensive method is also effective when someone extends their aura towards you and probes you. If you connect with their probing aura, you can become connected to their defilement. Therefore, you should use your aura, like the palm of your hand, to suppress, grab, and pinch it, so that you don't connect with their probing aura and can maintain your health.
When I received this inspiration, I wondered, "What is defilement?" While I don't have a complete understanding yet, it seems to be something like this:
* It's an old energy, not from the present. It's an energy that has been dormant, existing in a certain place beyond the boundaries of time and space.
* It's not something the person in question is currently emitting. It's unrelated to the current state of that person.
This type of defilement can be dealt with or left alone, according to the guidance I received. However, when I asked, "What does that mean?" I was told:
* Since it's old energy, it's mostly something that can't be changed in reality. It's best to leave it alone.
* If it can be specifically resolved in reality, it's fine to do so. There's no problem with that.
* If left alone, the energy will gradually lose its power and disappear over time. It's important not to put energy into it. Thinking about this repeatedly will increase the energy and strengthen the defilement.
* Trying to influence this energy and change reality will have no effect. This is because the energy is already disconnected from the person, so any influence will only affect the defilement itself.
* In some cases, this can develop into a "thought-form" or "ideoplasm." In this case, it's just a simple illusion created by repeated patterns and material reuse. However, if it develops into strong resentment, it can behave as if it's a living entity with its own patterns of thought. This is rare. Basically, these kinds of images are just repeating patterns and have little meaning.
Therefore, there are various ways to deal with it. In terms of simply defending against defilement, you can "intercept" it by determining its "direction" and using your aura, like the palm of your hand, to receive it, and then grabbing and pinching it to stop it from entering your "manipura" (solar plexus).
In this case, I occasionally felt this defilement entering my manipura, and I wondered what to do. However, it was entering quite directly, so I "pinched" it a little away from my abdomen, and as a result, I was separated from the defilement, even though I could still feel it. My defense is not yet complete, but I have been significantly separated from it.
At first, I only felt a vague, amorphous energy and didn't know what it was. But then I thought, "Could this be defilement?"
The reason this defilement occurred is that there were various causes, including the fact that my attitude was not good at the time and I made the other person feel uncomfortable. This is the direct cause, but it's possible that, after that, the other person may have had difficulty in relationships and felt frustrated, which increased the defilement. However, I don't actually know what happened to that person, so I don't know if that's true. Either way, the energy is old and dormant, and it doesn't seem to have much deep meaning in itself.
The fact that influencing the energy doesn't change reality means that even if you deal with it seriously, it's useless. You can only gain lessons from it and apply them to the future. While defilement doesn't necessarily need to be dealt with, examining the energy and story that created it can provide lessons. In this case, it's a good opportunity to reflect on what problems my attitude and behavior caused and turn them into lessons. More than that, this defilement doesn't have much meaning. Even though the energy is still present, now that I've learned the lesson, it's fine to leave it alone. Of course, it can be resolved in various ways, but there's no problem with leaving it alone. If you try to resolve every such issue, it will never end. Also, even though I was the cause, it's not just my energy, and you often encounter defilement that has nothing to do with you. It's enough to defend and separate it after learning the lesson.
The same defensive method is also effective when someone extends their aura towards you and probes you. If you connect with their probing aura, you can become connected to their defilement. Therefore, you should use your aura, like the palm of your hand, to suppress, grab, and pinch it, so that you don't connect with their probing aura and can maintain your health.
The three balls of light that were in my chest when I was a child shattered, taking my place.
The entity that entered my chest, which I called "light orbs" when I was a child, was like that.
I suddenly remembered this. I think I was born with three "light orbs" in addition to the conscious awareness I normally have, which were intended as an emergency backup to restore my state in times of need. I remember that.
As I mentioned earlier, I struggled with abuse and emotional abuse when I was a child, so I probably used up all three of them by the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school.
When I was mentally exhausted and felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown and go crazy, I used these "light orbs" just before that, which caused a rapid recovery of my mental state, preventing a complete mental breakdown.
At that time, I didn't know what they were, and I simply recognized them as the three "light orbs" I had since birth.
Because I used them all up in the upper grades of elementary school, I couldn't rely on them anymore, and during high school, I had a mental breakdown, which led to decades of mental health problems.
Those who abuse try to destroy your spirit by trying to break you down, so the "light orbs" are targeted.
Although they were targeted, the "light orbs" helped me at the time, so they were beneficial. However, I thought that these "light orbs" were used up and that was the end of it. I didn't think they could be replenished.
However, the entity that recently entered me is probably the same as the "light orbs" I recognized when I was a child. And at that time, I thought that using the "light orbs" would replenish energy, but now I think that my interpretation was a little different. The reality is that when the "light orb" breaks and is destroyed, the aura temporarily increases and the mental state recovers, but the "light orb" is not used, but rather destroyed. When it breaks, the aura spreads, and I only feel temporarily energized.
However, it seems that this is not the original way to use the "light orb," but it seems that it can be used in that way.
In a game or manga, it might be like using a crystal ball that stores energy, which becomes unusable after use, and in some cases, the crystal ball is physically broken. In that way, when an item is used, it becomes unusable, or it may be discarded as an item, and the item becomes in a "broken" state after it has fulfilled its purpose.
In this way, when I was a child, I recognized the "light orb" as an item, but in reality, it was probably an entity. If that's the case, then the truth is that the entity sacrificed its own life and collapsed to prevent my mental and emotional breakdown. In other words, the entity died and became a substitute for me.
Since the entity is a part of my soul, it basically doesn't disappear or vanish, but it probably couldn't stay with me and returned to the group soul, collapsed, and left me. At that time, it probably helped me as energy, and now I think that's what happened.
If that's the case, when I was a child, I thought that my mental state was helped by the "light orb," and that was a correct phenomenon in a sense, but the truth is that my mental state was saved because the entity sacrificed itself and became a substitute.
I was born with three of these "light orbs," and I used them all up when I was a child, which led to a mental breakdown and decades of suffering. However, recently, I have finally recovered one, or a new one has entered, and my mental state has improved. I don't know if it's the same "light orb" that I used when I was a child, but I think it's the same in quality.
Looking back, the state of having only one "light orb" left is quite weak, and that's also true of my current state. I am still only one entity, so I am in an incomplete and unstable state.
- At birth: Own mental state + 3 light orbs
- Upper grades of elementary school: Only own mental state (light orbs used up)
- High school: Mental breakdown (no light orbs left)
- Afterwards: Broken mind (no entity, or the entity is away from the body. Unable to feel the entity in the body)
- Recently: Own mental state + entity (entered from the Sahasrara chakra, probably equivalent to a light orb)
For many decades, there has been a state where there is no "purusha" (sphere of light). I am amazed that I have been able to survive while being in a state where there is not even one. A life without a "purusha" is like a darkness. If many people in the world are living without a "purusha," it is only natural that they may not experience love in their lives. They probably live a mechanical life, which is appropriate in its own way.
When I recall the past, I remember having three "purusha," and they are different in terms of sensitivity and sensation. Therefore, I think the current stage is still in the initial and unstable phase. At that time, I used two "purusha," and only one remained, which was already a very critical mental state. The light was fading, and the shadows were increasing. I think this is probably consistent with my current state.
What I need to be careful about is not becoming mentally unwell again and using or breaking the "purusha" (sphere of light). For that reason, I think I have been receiving a message to "cherish this 'purusha' (sphere of light, spirit)" for a while now.
By remembering the "purusha" of my childhood, perhaps my understanding was different back then (this is still a hypothesis), but I think this new interpretation is probably correct.
Therefore, I need to avoid actions that cause excessive mental fatigue and live with mental well-being as the top priority, more than ever before.
For a while, I was mistaken, and it seems that I was unconsciously treating the "purusha" in the same way as I did in my childhood, and I was relying on the "purusha" (sphere of light, spirit). So, in order to correct that behavior, I think it was necessary to temporarily remove the "purusha" and return it to its original state, so that I could learn not to rely on the "purusha." Rather, the role of the body and mind is to protect the "purusha." The body, as a vessel, is originally meant to protect the "purusha" (spirit, sphere of light), and the "purusha" is smiling from deep within my chest, like a "Hina doll" or a "spirit." Therefore, relying on the "purusha" is a very important thing. Basically, you should not rely on the "purusha." The "purusha," which shines, is something that I keep hidden in the depths of my body, like a shrine. I think that the recent stories that were too lenient were probably prepared to teach me these things.
According to the general belief, there is only one "purusha," but perhaps we can have three or more "purusha," and it may not be limited to three, but we can have even more. However, I think that having three is probably sufficient. In reality, I don't usually consciously think about the number.
It seems that there is still a long way to go before my mental state and the "purusha" (spirit) are strengthened to the point of having three.
Currently, I have only one, and my body is not yet able to handle it, so I am currently restructuring my body. I feel that the preparation for accepting the second and subsequent "purusha" will be done after my body is ready. I think I am still in the preparation stage.
I suddenly remembered this. I think I was born with three "light orbs" in addition to the conscious awareness I normally have, which were intended as an emergency backup to restore my state in times of need. I remember that.
As I mentioned earlier, I struggled with abuse and emotional abuse when I was a child, so I probably used up all three of them by the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school.
When I was mentally exhausted and felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown and go crazy, I used these "light orbs" just before that, which caused a rapid recovery of my mental state, preventing a complete mental breakdown.
At that time, I didn't know what they were, and I simply recognized them as the three "light orbs" I had since birth.
Because I used them all up in the upper grades of elementary school, I couldn't rely on them anymore, and during high school, I had a mental breakdown, which led to decades of mental health problems.
Those who abuse try to destroy your spirit by trying to break you down, so the "light orbs" are targeted.
Although they were targeted, the "light orbs" helped me at the time, so they were beneficial. However, I thought that these "light orbs" were used up and that was the end of it. I didn't think they could be replenished.
However, the entity that recently entered me is probably the same as the "light orbs" I recognized when I was a child. And at that time, I thought that using the "light orbs" would replenish energy, but now I think that my interpretation was a little different. The reality is that when the "light orb" breaks and is destroyed, the aura temporarily increases and the mental state recovers, but the "light orb" is not used, but rather destroyed. When it breaks, the aura spreads, and I only feel temporarily energized.
However, it seems that this is not the original way to use the "light orb," but it seems that it can be used in that way.
In a game or manga, it might be like using a crystal ball that stores energy, which becomes unusable after use, and in some cases, the crystal ball is physically broken. In that way, when an item is used, it becomes unusable, or it may be discarded as an item, and the item becomes in a "broken" state after it has fulfilled its purpose.
In this way, when I was a child, I recognized the "light orb" as an item, but in reality, it was probably an entity. If that's the case, then the truth is that the entity sacrificed its own life and collapsed to prevent my mental and emotional breakdown. In other words, the entity died and became a substitute for me.
Since the entity is a part of my soul, it basically doesn't disappear or vanish, but it probably couldn't stay with me and returned to the group soul, collapsed, and left me. At that time, it probably helped me as energy, and now I think that's what happened.
If that's the case, when I was a child, I thought that my mental state was helped by the "light orb," and that was a correct phenomenon in a sense, but the truth is that my mental state was saved because the entity sacrificed itself and became a substitute.
I was born with three of these "light orbs," and I used them all up when I was a child, which led to a mental breakdown and decades of suffering. However, recently, I have finally recovered one, or a new one has entered, and my mental state has improved. I don't know if it's the same "light orb" that I used when I was a child, but I think it's the same in quality.
Looking back, the state of having only one "light orb" left is quite weak, and that's also true of my current state. I am still only one entity, so I am in an incomplete and unstable state.
- At birth: Own mental state + 3 light orbs
- Upper grades of elementary school: Only own mental state (light orbs used up)
- High school: Mental breakdown (no light orbs left)
- Afterwards: Broken mind (no entity, or the entity is away from the body. Unable to feel the entity in the body)
- Recently: Own mental state + entity (entered from the Sahasrara chakra, probably equivalent to a light orb)
For many decades, there has been a state where there is no "purusha" (sphere of light). I am amazed that I have been able to survive while being in a state where there is not even one. A life without a "purusha" is like a darkness. If many people in the world are living without a "purusha," it is only natural that they may not experience love in their lives. They probably live a mechanical life, which is appropriate in its own way.
When I recall the past, I remember having three "purusha," and they are different in terms of sensitivity and sensation. Therefore, I think the current stage is still in the initial and unstable phase. At that time, I used two "purusha," and only one remained, which was already a very critical mental state. The light was fading, and the shadows were increasing. I think this is probably consistent with my current state.
What I need to be careful about is not becoming mentally unwell again and using or breaking the "purusha" (sphere of light). For that reason, I think I have been receiving a message to "cherish this 'purusha' (sphere of light, spirit)" for a while now.
By remembering the "purusha" of my childhood, perhaps my understanding was different back then (this is still a hypothesis), but I think this new interpretation is probably correct.
Therefore, I need to avoid actions that cause excessive mental fatigue and live with mental well-being as the top priority, more than ever before.
For a while, I was mistaken, and it seems that I was unconsciously treating the "purusha" in the same way as I did in my childhood, and I was relying on the "purusha" (sphere of light, spirit). So, in order to correct that behavior, I think it was necessary to temporarily remove the "purusha" and return it to its original state, so that I could learn not to rely on the "purusha." Rather, the role of the body and mind is to protect the "purusha." The body, as a vessel, is originally meant to protect the "purusha" (spirit, sphere of light), and the "purusha" is smiling from deep within my chest, like a "Hina doll" or a "spirit." Therefore, relying on the "purusha" is a very important thing. Basically, you should not rely on the "purusha." The "purusha," which shines, is something that I keep hidden in the depths of my body, like a shrine. I think that the recent stories that were too lenient were probably prepared to teach me these things.
According to the general belief, there is only one "purusha," but perhaps we can have three or more "purusha," and it may not be limited to three, but we can have even more. However, I think that having three is probably sufficient. In reality, I don't usually consciously think about the number.
It seems that there is still a long way to go before my mental state and the "purusha" (spirit) are strengthened to the point of having three.
Currently, I have only one, and my body is not yet able to handle it, so I am currently restructuring my body. I feel that the preparation for accepting the second and subsequent "purusha" will be done after my body is ready. I think I am still in the preparation stage.
Distinguishing between a "pure" type of woman and a truly good woman, and understanding love.
During the week of Golden Week in 2023, and in the period surrounding it, significant changes and understandings occurred, leading me to believe that my understanding of love has deepened considerably. Revisiting Izumo, a place I used to visit for leisure, helped me relive past experiences and gain a better understanding of that time.
Once upon a time, a young man from the countryside moved to the city. Years later, he suddenly remembered past events that were both nostalgic and painful, re-experiencing them as if they were happening in the present. He was overwhelmed by a sea of mixed emotions, including the conflicts, love, and hatred of adolescence. He not only recalled those times but also reinterpreted them in light of his current understanding, leading to new insights. This involved not only reinterpreting impressions but also, using telepathic abilities, aligning with the other person's perspective to understand what they were thinking and feeling at the time, literally through their point of view (through a state of oneness). Based on this new understanding, he was able to reinterpret past situations and arrive at completely different conclusions.
While it might seem strange for someone my age to be doing this, this change has caused my emotional body to react, and I feel joy and affection towards everyone around me. While I had already expressed myself in this way to some extent, the recent change is that I am feeling emotions too intensely, almost like I am going through adolescence again. In my youth, especially during high school, I experienced harassment, bullying, relentless slander, insults, and mockery. As a result, my heart was broken for a long time. Now, I can choose my relationships and am generally in a safe environment. I wonder if adolescence would have been more enjoyable if I had been in a good relationship. However, I suspect that the same kind of enjoyment might be possible even later in life. It feels a bit late to say this. Finally, I have come to understand the struggles of my acquaintances to some extent. Especially during high school, I felt more like my heart was broken and on the verge of collapse, barely holding on. Perhaps that was adolescence, but during high school, my heart was broken, and now, while I still have some of that sensitivity, my heart is barely holding on.
These memories and reinterpretations naturally emerged in my mind.
This feels like I am experiencing adolescence again, but it also feels like old, unresolved energy that has been suppressed deep inside is now surfacing. As memories and energy resurface, I experience a melancholic state of adolescence. I feel the need to resolve this old energy.
The recent creative story that came from old memories, a kind of "Romeo and Juliet" rip-off, is largely fictional, but it seems that several scenarios are intertwined, creating a mixed-up image. While the underlying material is correct, I often see acquaintances, especially women, with "a very sad, downcast expression" or "a slightly angry expression, but they are holding it back, and yet, they look sad." I couldn't understand those women's emotions at the time, wondering "Why are they so sad?" or "Why are so many emotions mixed together?"
Of course, if there were specific interactions and sadness, I could understand it to some extent, but I didn't feel it as strongly, and I just thought, "Maybe that's the case." On the other hand, there were people who were sad but I didn't think they were sad about my own affairs, but perhaps they were heartbroken and sad because of their feelings for me. (This might seem like an overreaction to others.)
Now, while processing this old energy, I am experiencing these (mostly fictional) stories one by one, and I have come to understand that these women were feeling things like this.
When someone is in love but is not reciprocated, they often have that "melancholy expression." It's easy to understand in dramas, but in the real world, there are many cases where it's subtle and difficult to understand. For example, someone might become friendly with you, hoping for a romantic relationship, but you treat them as just a friend. That person might be thinking, "Is this going to lead to a romantic relationship? I've already fallen in love. What are you going to do with these feelings? Take responsibility. What should I do with these feelings?" They might be feeling a mixture of "melancholy, a little anger, and self-restraint to suppress that anger." They might not normally be the type to get angry, but they can't suppress the sadness and pain, and they feel pathetic about themselves, and they become even more sad because their love is not being returned." This is expressed through their facial expressions. It's not anger, but perhaps a better word would be indignation. There were probably some "tragic young women" with platonic love around me. Is this an overreaction?
I try to be careful not to mislead people, but I can't control the feelings of others, and while it's unavoidable, it's still frustrating. I tend to be easily infatuated, so my eyes and expressions often betray my feelings. Women are sensitive to these cues and react accordingly, while I unconsciously react to them, and I often realize "I've done it again" when I notice my own unconscious reactions. I can't be in a relationship with everyone. So, I try to distance myself from women who seem to be developing feelings for me, but that often ends up hurting them. I'm truly sorry.
It's only now that I'm realizing that some of the women I thought were interested in me were just being kind, while others who I didn't pay much attention to might have actually liked me. It's a bit late to realize this, but it would have been better to understand it sooner.
The stories I've been shown recently, while seemingly meaningful, were actually quite superficial. The only lesson I learned was that "when I was emotionally broken and my emotional maturity was low, it was difficult for me to enter a romantic mode. So, the fact that I didn't develop a relationship with that person was unavoidable. I was only able to feel affection for S-type women who abused me, a skewed form of love I developed in my childhood, and I didn't know how to interact with normal, good people. I was behaving terribly." However, this is a personal story from the past that is already over, and my emotional state at the time was like that, so I couldn't enter a romantic mode. Therefore, this story is over. More importantly, the recent creative stories seem to be "materials" for understanding various situations. As I analyzed before, although the individual elements may be correct, the overall consistency is lacking, and it doesn't match reality. It seems that the purpose was not to deal with reality, but to understand the people around me during adolescence and youth.
After understanding the content of the stories, I realized that there are actually some "good" women among the female acquaintances I knew in the past. I wish I had realized this sooner, because good people are often overlooked, but they are actually very good. If I had known this earlier, I would have seen women differently. I think there were many good women all around me.
When I was young, I thought I had a good eye for women, but that wasn't the case. When I was young, I was looking for someone with a good appearance and personality, which made it difficult to find a partner. Now, I realize that I should have prioritized personality. Of course, it's best to have both a good appearance and a good personality, but appearance is also an individual characteristic, so it's okay to prioritize personality.
I've been experiencing a surge of old adolescent energy, and I wondered what it was. I thought it might not be important, and I wanted to get rid of it quickly. However, there was actually important knowledge within that feeling, and it seems that it wasn't a waste of time. The saying "there is no waste" may be true.
The unstable adolescent emotions that have been surfacing recently probably didn't appear for me to re-experience them, but rather to understand the energy of that time. Now that I've finished learning, that energy has subsided and calmed down. However, my emotional body seems to be developing recently, so I think I'm in a state where it's easier to fall in love, even at my age.
This sadness and subtle anger may seem like jealousy or possessiveness, but it's different. I used to think it was possessiveness, but it's not. The sadness comes from the feeling of being torn apart, regardless of whether there are other people around. And when I feel helpless, a slight anger and frustration erupt, and I sometimes lash out at the other person. When I lash out at the other person, I feel disappointed in myself for hurting the person I love, and I feel that they probably misunderstood me and think I'm a terrible person. Then, I feel a sad feeling that I can't be with this person anymore, and that love will never happen again, and I break up. So, I think there is sadness and subtle anger coming from love. I didn't understand this well enough, and I wondered why some of the girls around me would sometimes get hysterical with me, but I didn't realize they were in love.
On the other hand, I think there is another form of affection. It is the feeling of wanting to understand and be understood, which can bring about feelings similar to love, but perhaps weaker. This can also lead to feelings of sadness and frustration due to alienation. Alternatively, in a relationship where there is a sense of opposition, one may misinterpret the desire to be recognized as love, leading to similar feelings of sadness and frustration.
This is likely a difference in stages.
Initially, even if there is a sense of opposition, one may eventually develop feelings of wanting to understand and be understood, which is the basic form of love, and from which trust is born. It can also start from a certain level of trust.
When I was young, I didn't understand love, but now I realize that love is not something that happens instantly like a crush, but something that is cultivated. A crush is often triggered by similar faces or related energies, rather than actual love for the person. Therefore, even if one thinks they are having a crush, it may disappear when the energy fades.
On the other hand, if one is sincere, a relationship can be built, and that can lead to love, even if it is not immediately apparent.
Falling in love is a state of self-other identity, where both you and the other person become confused. This is similar to a state achieved through meditation, but falling in love may be easier than achieving that state through meditation. In meditation, we talk about love, but it is essentially the same as love.
I now believe that many of the women around me understood my situation better than I did. They knew that I was too preoccupied with myself to be in a relationship, and that is why they may have been sad and avoided getting too close. Women often have psychic abilities, and while some may know and feel sad when their love is not reciprocated, others may not be as perceptive and may have had feelings for me. However, those who are less perceptive are still decent people, and there is nothing wrong with that. In reality, there were probably others who understood me even better than I understood myself, and I should have been with someone like that.
As meditation deepened, I began to feel a sense of connection with everyone around me. I recently felt like I was going through a phase of adolescence. If meditation and love are essentially the same in terms of the state of "self-other identity," then it is natural to feel feelings similar to love towards others, even if they are strangers.
Even if there is no special relationship, even if it is just a brief conversation, if one of you is in that state, you can instantly fall into a platonic love. This platonic love may only last for a few moments, but it can bring vitality to life. The fleeting moments of love are sweet, and even the subsequent separation can be bittersweet and stimulating. Such short, platonic relationships can be purely loving, without ulterior motives or vested interests. Even if we don't recognize it as love, being able to connect with a good person can make the world a more fulfilling place.
This experience has not only brought regret but also various understandings, insights, and emotions. It has given me a different understanding of love and affection.
When understanding arises, the emotional stories that have recently stirred and manipulated my emotions, such as Romeo and Juliet, suddenly receded into the background. By correctly understanding these emotions, they have become more complete. The way to handle and understand each emotion was largely a misunderstanding or a lack of understanding. While purification or exorcism can help, understanding has brought me a little closer to complete emotions and understanding.
Through this, I have come to understand what a truly good person is. However, I have also gained a deeper understanding of the opposite, and while this is a secondary understanding, I have become more able to distinguish between people with unpleasant personalities or those with the potential to become "innocent bitches." When I entered high school, there was a classmate who was in the student council in the first year. She was well-mannered, had a lovely face, and I was quite infatuated with her at the time. However, a few months after entering high school, her appearance suddenly changed. While her face was still pleasant, she suddenly started to have a faint smile, and she started to hang out with other "yanki" (delinquent) girls. Furthermore, around that time, her eyes clearly changed. The "haze" that used to be in her eyes disappeared, her eyes became more open, and her gaze seemed to be floating. Now, I think that was the moment when she lost her virginity and became an "innocent bitch." I was disillusioned with her at that moment and no longer liked her.
Furthermore, there was a girl I had liked since junior high school. I believe she was a virgin during junior high school, but I suspect she later became a "cute bitch." Rumor has it that she started sleeping with people soon after moving to Tokyo. That's sad, but it shows that I lacked the ability to see through her. Recently, I've become better at identifying such people, and while it's a bit sad to have my illusions about women shattered, I think it's better than getting involved with a "cute bitch." I really didn't have a good eye for women before. I thought I did, but I was wrong. Now that I can identify "cute bitches," it's not necessarily a guarantee of anything, but I feel like I can distinguish them, which helps me filter out untrustworthy people and identify those who are more likely to be trustworthy. However, I can only judge whether someone is a "cute bitch" at that moment, not whether they have the potential to be one, so there are many cases where they might not become one due to their environment or choices.
Now that I think about it, even situations where I was sad because a girl didn't reciprocate my feelings might not have been worth being sad about. For example, a "cute bitch" who suddenly glared at me with an irritated look when I showed interest in her was someone who wasn't worth my sadness. When that old energy from the past suddenly resurfaced, I wondered what it was, but then the answer came to me: it was the thoughts that "cute bitch" had about me, her perspective and understanding of the situation. As a result of recognizing that, I clearly realized that I didn't need to be sad about her. She was simply aware of her own attractiveness and was looking for a wealthy "ATM husband." Therefore, whether she liked me or not was not important, and her response (looking down at me) "What are you going to do with me?" showed that she was thinking about "what she could get" from a relationship, and her real goal was to find an "ATM." In that case, I was just a "minor" to her, so there was no reason for me to be sad about what she said.
Similarly, a certain "slutty" girl would mock men (while laughing) and say, "Men are so troublesome," and I felt that she was looking down on men because she could say such things to me in front of me. However, I later heard that she suddenly got pregnant and married, but a few years after her child was born, her infidelity was discovered, and she divorced. I suspect that she thought, "Men are stupid, so I can cheat on them without any problems," or "I won't get caught by men," or that she was confident that even if she cheated, she wouldn't get divorced. Based on her previous statements, that's a reasonable assumption. Now that she's been abandoned by a seemingly good husband, I wonder what she's going to do. When I didn't understand what she was like at the time, I now see that she was a "cute bitch" and that she is not a trustworthy person. It seems that a considerable proportion of the women I had some affection for were "cute bitches."
I'm glad I didn't get caught by a "cute bitch," as there have been many dangerous situations. From the beginning, they are after money, so the pattern with a "cute bitch" is either to be an "ATM" for a long time or to get divorced and receive property division or child support. If they are cute, charming, or good at pleasing men, that's a talent, so men are drawn to them. There are men who brag about having "cute bitches," and I think they lack good judgment, but that's just life. I personally think it's best to avoid "cute bitches" from the beginning, but this is just my personal opinion and not a recommendation for anyone. Many "cute bitches" seem to impose financial demands on men, such as "I'll be good to you if you give me money," and men agree to it. I think those men are reaping what they sow. I often think, "How can you make such a promise?" Of course, people like me who are cautious wouldn't be noticed by them, and we would be looked down upon as "minor" or "insignificant." By the way, I once heard a group of women talking about me, saying, "Is he even rich?" even though I could hear them clearly. "Cute bitches" are really crazy. The fact that they would have such a conversation even if they could hear it means that they completely look down on me, and they probably think that a man like me is insignificant. I think it's better to have a normal and trustworthy partner than a "cute bitch" who is just pretty.
This understanding, which is becoming more common recently, helps me understand the true intentions behind the words of those I couldn't understand before. By becoming a telepath, I can understand the feelings of others from their perspective, hear their inner voice, and understand their true feelings. As a result, I can often hear things that were unnecessary to lament, or things that are so trivial that they are not worth being disappointed about. For example, I realized that I was troubled by a "chaste bitch" who was not as innocent as she seemed.
This is not something that can be answered immediately, but if you ask a question, the guide will investigate and eventually give you the answer. There is no way to verify this, and the other person would never admit such a shameful thing. Therefore, there is a possibility that it is wrong, but it is consistent as a hypothesis, so I think it is probably true. What I originally thought was true may not be true, and it may be different from my own imagination. However, with telepathy, I can understand the feelings and inner voice of the other person from their perspective, which is different from my own desires and imagination.
Telepathy allows me to understand the other person's perspective, which is highly reliable. It is simply a state of "seeing" or "recognizing" the other person, and there is no "imagination" involved. Sometimes, I am shocked to find that what I thought I understood is completely different. In my daily life, I interpret the other person's feelings as a "receiver," but in a telepathic state, I can understand what the other person was thinking, as if their thoughts and feelings overlap with mine for a moment. This is very different from the "receiver's perspective" in the normal sense, and I can directly understand the other person's thoughts from their subjective point of view.
Looking back, the common sense often taught in spiritual circles, such as "accept your trauma," is often a lie. From a telepathic perspective, trauma is "unjustified slander and abuse from the other person," so it is better not to accept it. This kind of "accept your trauma" is a perspective from the "energy vampire" side, the winning side, and it is simply a way of saying, "You are the ones who provide energy, so be quiet," without saying it directly.
On the other hand, I don't have much trauma myself, but I think I have more trauma that has been implanted by others. Of course, this varies from person to person, and people who don't act well don't feel trauma about their own actions. Therefore, I think that most trauma is something that has been implanted by others. There are legitimate feelings among the feelings from others, and while it is necessary to correct those, depending on the person you are with, I think that in my younger days, I was often subjected to unreasonable, irrational, and selfish anger and curses from others, and I received them without any defense.
The reason I felt trauma about "chaste bitches" is because they sent me feelings of rejection and slander, even though they were smiling on the surface, and that's why I was traumatized by their feelings. I am a victim, so I didn't need to think that I was at fault. Now that I have finally returned to a telepathic state (since childhood), I can clearly recognize what the other person was thinking about me (from their perspective, from the sender's perspective), and although it is not in real time, once I understand that perspective, I realize that I did not need to feel trauma in most cases. I didn't need to feel trauma, and it wasn't worth it, for those "chaste bitches" (multiple people, a large number of them). I was often attracted to "chaste bitches" when I was young, and I think I wasted my life.
There were many good people among those I ignored, but if you don't have good judgment, this is what happens. I was troubled by things that were unnecessary and didn't need to be worried about, and because I was wasting my time worrying about them, I couldn't take action when I should have, and I feel sorry for the girls I couldn't act properly towards.
If I had understood this earlier in my life, during middle school, high school, or even college, my life might have been very different. But, well, there's nothing I can do about it now. Life is like that.
For example, I remember a girl I met at a "konkatsu" (dating) event in my first year of university. She was from another university. At the time, I thought, "I don't really understand her. Her looks aren't really my type. We don't seem to have much in common. There's a lot of miscommunication." But now, looking back, I realize she was a kind and sincere person. Or, there was a quiet girl in my high school class. I considered her a friend, and I didn't have any romantic feelings for her, but now I realize she was a good person.
There was a girl I met at a "konkatsu" event after I entered university or became a working adult. She said something like, "I cry when I listen to certain songs," and I ignored it at the time. But that was a sign that her heart was open, and she was a very good person, but I didn't realize it at the time.
On the other hand, a girl I liked in middle school didn't have a deep relationship with me, but after moving to Tokyo, she became a woman who would sleep with anyone. She's a "chise-kei bitch" (a seemingly innocent but manipulative woman). The girl I liked in high school had some personality issues, but she too was a "chise-kei bitch." It seems I was drawn to "chise-kei bitches," and if I had had a better eye for women back then, my life might have been different.
At my workplace, some of the bosses' (male) wives were "chise-kei bitches," and I sometimes thought, "She's cleverly caught a good-looking, wealthy man." But, if they're happy, I think they should do what they want. It's not something I should point out, and it's not really that important to me. Besides, even if someone starts out as a "gold digger," they might eventually fall in love, or the opposite might happen.
Besides "chise-kei bitches," there are also simply girls who like sex. That's something different and should be distinguished from "chise-kei bitches." There was a girl in my high school class who, although we didn't have a sexual relationship, were pretty good friends. She was very open, and she would cheerfully tell me and other male friends, "I'm thinking about applying for a job at a company called 'Land,' because it seems like you can get a lot of money and have a good time there," and she was happy. I didn't know who she was with, and we didn't have a relationship beyond that. Later, she actually ended up working at a public lodging facility in her hometown, and even then, she said something like, "It would be interesting if I could sneak into a room and have a moment with a guest," which was either serious or a joke. But she was just a straightforward girl, not pretending to be anything. I think there's a difference between a "chise-kei bitch" with ulterior motives and a girl who is simply honest about her sexuality.
Not all "chise-kei bitches" cheat, and not all of them like sex. Essentially, a "chise-kei bitch" is a beautiful woman who tries to manipulate men. Whether someone is a "chise-kei bitch" depends on their personality and temperament. "Chise-kei bitches" have a structure similar to male bullies, and while their demeanor is refined and innocent, they get irritated and suddenly lash out if something doesn't go their way. This kind of behavior is the same for both men and women, and it's a form of emotional abuse. I've been irritated, yelled at, glared at, and told to "go away" by "chise-kei bitches" many times, but a truly innocent and good person wouldn't act like that. I really didn't have a good eye for women, and I was often deceived by "chise-kei bitches." At the time, I was tormented by a sense of guilt, but in reality, there was no need to worry or feel guilty about those "chise-kei bitches."
Since I was bullied for the first time in kindergarten and developed a mental illness, I've been trying to cope with persistent and insidious bullying, but in the process, I became mentally numb, disillusioned with the world and life, and constantly trying to cut off relationships. Eventually, my mental state deteriorated, and I didn't understand the people around me. When I was young, the bullies were mostly boys, but later, in high school and university, I encountered "chise-kei bitches," which wasted a lot of my time and energy.
When I was young, I was constantly told by the people around me and the adults that "you're the one at fault," but it's common for perpetrators to justify their actions and make the victim feel like they are the cause, and the victim ends up believing that they are the problem. This is a fairly typical pattern of bullying, abuse, and enslavement. For a long time, I was made to feel like I was the one at fault, but in reality, it was the bullies who were wrong. In kindergarten, the classmate who caused me to refuse to go to school was wrong, and in elementary school, the neighborhood bully forced me to play a "drowning game" in a nearby river, and the older student laughed as he suddenly pushed my head into the water or tried to drown me by pulling my legs. At one point, that older student used an electric shaver to rub it on my feet and hands to bully me, which made the hair on those areas grow thicker, and I was teased by my classmates for that. No matter how you look at it, I wasn't wrong, and it was the classmates and the neighborhood kids (older students) who were wrong, but I was made to believe that I was wrong, that I was the problem, and that it was wrong for me to be victimized. The adults and teachers around me didn't understand, and they just thought of me as "that blank-looking kid." Now, I think I should have run away to a foster home, but if I had gone to a foster home, I might not have been able to go to university, so I guess it was okay that I was allowed to go to university.
"Chise-kei" (innocent-type) bitches glared at me as if I were at fault, and I received "disparaging gazes" and was ridiculed in front of me. Yet, I sometimes felt like I was the one at fault. However, the behavior and personality of these "chise-kei" bitches were dishonest, and I didn't need to worry or feel guilty for them. "Chise-kei" bitches sometimes send unwarranted feelings of resentment, so it's best not to have any dealings with them from the beginning. It's unthinkable to have a physical relationship with a "chise-kei" bitch, and it's better to avoid even talking to them.
In the first place, it seemed that "chise-kei" bitches thought that I would be a romantic interest while belittling me. However, from my perspective, I would never consider someone who belittles me as a romantic interest. I wonder how they thought that belittling someone would make them a romantic interest. Perhaps, during childhood, it's common to "bully the person you like," so maybe that's what happened. However, from the person who was bullied, they only leave the impression of being an unpleasant person, so they are excluded from being a romantic interest. Some people were sad because they weren't given attention, but I felt it was strange. Indeed, these "chise-kei" bitches are full of charm, and there were times when I was drawn to them. However, even when I was drawn to them, there was an invisible barrier that said, "This person is not for me," and I was both very interested and simultaneously in a state of rejection due to that barrier. Perhaps, someone invisible was protecting me from being attracted to "chise-kei" bitches.
On the other hand, there are truly good people, and they are not always beautiful, but rather plain. However, during that time, it was common for people around to rank others based on their appearance, and people were concerned about those evaluations, making it difficult to act according to their feelings. I wish I hadn't worried about that. Truly good people are not about appearance, but about personality.
By the way, I suddenly remembered that a certain beautiful "chise-kei" bitch's business partner was persistently trying to meet me, and it seemed suspicious, so I didn't meet her, and she said, "You're still a man, aren't you?" Her argument was that "if a woman is inviting you (me), you shouldn't reject her," and she was scolding me for that. She seemed frustrated that I wasn't going to have a relationship with her. It turned into a fight, and she became hysterical, saying, "I don't need you. I'm the one doing it. You should give me more money since you're making money. If you don't want to, you can quit." I told her that if she said that, I would exclude her from the business, stopped her account, and removed her access to the system, and she became hysterical. However, in reality, even though I provided the investment and the position, she said that she didn't need me, which is a ridiculous story. It was "too good to be true." I will briefly describe the situation, as the details are long. In short, that woman who was mistaken came to me and said, "Get out," as if she were taking over, which is something that should be rejected. Since she was openly declaring a takeover, there was nothing to do but reject her. She didn't even understand the difference between a capital owner and an employee, and she was so stupid that she didn't even know that she was in a position given to her by me, and she was demanding things like, "You should give me more money," or "You should let me take over the business," which is why I didn't need her. The fact that she said that to me means that she was looking down on me, and she was trying to take advantage of me.
And that woman, in addition to not understanding her own situation, was looking down on me and trying to take advantage of me.
Despite the fact that the "chise-kei" bitch who was trying to take advantage of me or scolding me is a bad and ugly person, I sometimes get scolded or blamed by "chise-kei" bitches, and it's as if I'm the one at fault. "Chise-kei" bitches scold me with a smug expression, so when I get scolded, I sometimes think, "Is that so?" However, it's too awkward to have a relationship with that woman, and she's demanding an excessive amount of money, and she doesn't even understand the relationship between capital and employee, but she is so confident and assertive that I feel like I'm going to stop thinking, and emotionally, I feel like she's right, and I feel like I'm the one at fault, but I think that such an excessive benefit is not okay, and I think that the "chise-kei" bitch who is trying to take advantage of me is a bad person. Why am I being scolded and ridiculed, and why am I not being blamed? It's incomprehensible. There are men in the world who will accept "chise-kei" bitches, and those people are living their lives in a way that is not for me, so I wish they would do their own thing, and I don't need to deny "chise-kei" bitches, because there are men in the world who are happy by being with "chise-kei" bitches, so they should do what they want. "Chise-kei" bitches should not involve themselves with me. It's so incomprehensible that my head is spinning.
When I am repeatedly and quickly scolded and blamed, I tend to think, "Is that right? Is that the right way to do it? Am I wrong?" This is a characteristic of empaths, as we tend to sympathize with the other person's thoughts. However, if I take a step back and think calmly, I realize that the other person's argument is completely wrong.
I remember that there were several people in my workplace who had married "chaste bitches" who were strong and assertive, only to regret it later. Some said, "I wish I had thought more before getting married," while others said, "I've been dating women for years, so if I don't get married, it's a waste of time. I want my time back," and ended up regretting their marriage. Marrying a "chaste bitch" who lacks sincerity and is self-centered leads to a life of suffering for men. I was once in a similar situation, but I was lucky enough to avoid it.
I wonder why I am constantly surrounded by "chaste bitches" who see me as an easy target. Is it the law of attraction? Or am I being careless?
I remember that the female business partner used to occasionally give me a "smirky" look. However, the "smirky" look that "chaste bitches" give when they look at me is very similar to the look that salespeople give when they are trying to sell something expensive, or the look that a boss gives to a subordinate when treating them like a slave. It's very unsettling. Recently, I've been running away as soon as I see that "smirky" look.
To "chaste bitches," I am like an easy target. And just like salespeople who get frustrated and try to force a sale when a customer tries to leave, "chaste bitches" also get frustrated and try to make me act according to their will. When I try to distance myself or escape, they get frustrated and yell or lash out, just like salespeople who treat customers as easy targets. Every time this happens, my heart is sick, and my head spins. Therefore, it is best not to have any dealings with "chaste bitches" who see me as an easy target.
In fact, when I had interactions with the female business partner, I didn't realize she was trying to use me for surrogacy. I simply avoided her because she made excessive demands and was very intimidating. However, I found out about her true intentions six months later. I received a message from a contact who said, "She's pregnant with the child of a male relative of the same age. When I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was your child, but I can't believe she got pregnant with a relative. She'll never be happy." I finally understood the reason for my discomfort. She probably knew the approximate timing of the pregnancy and thought she could get away with it, even if the gestational age didn't quite match. However, if you carefully check the gestational age, you can tell that it doesn't match. She must have thought she could get away with it. As a result, I realized that she probably wanted to have a baby through surrogacy and wanted to sleep with me. This was confirmed by the detailed information I received from the contact.
Therefore, the female business partner, a "chaste bitch," probably saw me as a convenient target. It's so frustrating. "Chaste bitches" who are carnivores seem to be quite aggressive. I have never slept with that business partner, and we were never in that kind of relationship. However, people around us were spreading rumors about our relationship. Even before that, there were suspicious things about what she was planning, but this time, it was particularly aggressive and strange. Because I was suspicious, I distanced myself, and later I found out that she was a very aggressive and manipulative "chaste bitch," so I really have bad eyes. According to the information I received from the contact, she was having secret rendezvous with a relative. I wonder what kind of person she is. My head is spinning. I don't understand her. Even if there is another man, having a secret rendezvous with a relative is incomprehensible and completely lacking in common morality. It is said that you can marry if you are separated by three generations, but I wonder if it is common to have such a relationship with a relative. My head is spinning, and I feel nauseous. I wonder what I was seeing in her.
When our relationship was good, she always said, "I'm grateful," but after our relationship broke down, she occasionally sent emails saying, "Everything has gone wrong since I got involved with you. You're responsible, so take responsibility." I ignored those meaningless and contradictory messages at the time. I don't think her life has gone wrong because of me, but because she is pregnant with a child from a relative she doesn't want. I wonder why I am so hated for rejecting her surrogacy. It's meaningless and confusing. Because of these experiences, I don't want to have anything to do with women who are not very bright.
This woman, like someone attempting to exploit my kindness for their own gain, and these "innocent" but manipulative women who take advantage of my generosity are too numerous. However, I also recognize that being overly kind is not in my nature, so I feel the need to maintain a certain distance and avoid being overly accommodating. Furthermore, when serving others, I prefer to do so without expecting anything in return. If they don't reciprocate, it doesn't necessarily hurt my feelings. Therefore, when I give something to someone, I either set clear conditions or expectations beforehand, or I simply don't expect anything in return. This is also a lesson I've learned. People often have different expectations than what we anticipate. While I may perceive these women as manipulative and exploitative, they might believe that their behavior is "normal." Therefore, it's best to avoid relationships with women who have such different perspectives, such as those who might try to exploit or manipulate me. I want to avoid these "innocent" but manipulative women, and I feel the need to maintain a certain distance even with those I do interact with.
A good woman seems to strike a balance between giving and receiving. However, these "innocent" but manipulative women tend to take advantage of others and maximize their own benefits. A good woman, or a relatively normal person, tries to reciprocate what they receive. However, these women try to maximize what they receive from their husbands and those around them, creating an imbalance. Sometimes, they become unhappy when they don't get what they want. While this can vary depending on the individual, it's a characteristic of these women. They often justify their behavior by saying, "But you said it was good. Didn't you agree?" The fundamental difference is that a good person considers balance, while these women prioritize their own gain, even if it means ignoring balance or agreements. While a good person might agree to something, they also consider whether they are receiving something in return. This is a fundamental value that is lacking in these women. That's the difference between a good person and one of these "innocent" but manipulative women. In essence, they are manipulative. And when they don't get what they want, they might lash out, ignore you, look down on you, treat you as if you're not a "real man," or quickly move on. While the specific actions may vary, their behavior is often one-sided and lacks balance.
Despite all these various and often nonsensical experiences, the fundamental principle is that "life is perfect." Therefore, all of these experiences have been valuable lessons. While I've shared some negative examples, I'm managing to survive by maintaining a certain distance and avoiding those who are potentially dangerous.
It seems that I have always perceived my admiration for seemingly "innocent" women as "love." However, now I realize that it was more of a primal, sexual attraction based on physical appearance.
On the other hand, there are people I've never considered "love," but rather felt "confused" about. I feel sad when they don't reciprocate, and I want to understand them and have them understand me. Perhaps these feelings are actually what is truly meant by "love." If that's the case, my previous perceptions and actions have been fundamentally wrong.
People often say that "love is blind," but there are two types of blind love. The first is a more basic love based on physical attraction and sexual desire. The second is a true love based on a feeling of "not knowing" and a desire for understanding. I was blind to physical appearance and attraction, which is a type of love, but it seems that I was actually drawn to the latter, the "not knowing" feeling. When I reflect on the smiles of these "innocent" but manipulative women, I realize that their smiles weren't because they loved me, but rather because they thought, "This person seems to like me. Great!" It's a type of relationship based on exploitation rather than mutual understanding.
When you fall for this type of "innocent" but manipulative woman, they are usually relatively docile as long as their desires are being met. However, sometimes they become irritated or lash out when they feel like you're not doing enough for them. Or, sometimes, they have other people they're interested in, and they might cheat on you. The people I've been attracted to (or thought I was attracted to) often fit one of these patterns.
When I think about it now, there were people around me who understood these things well, and at some point, they probably tried to advise me, saying something like, "You should think about it more carefully." However, I thought, "That's not true. I'm fine. I like [someone]." But, in reality, I didn't really understand love very deeply. I was mistaking the feeling of being drawn to and liking a "pure" type of girl as love. Honestly, I wonder what I was understanding and doing all this time.
Now that I think about it, even if we call it love, it was just a one-sided admiration, an incomplete love, a distorted love. There wasn't much "mutual understanding" there.
The basic principle of love is to understand the other person, and to develop a relationship based on mutual understanding. That's what it should be, and that's what's obvious. However, I didn't really understand that. Now that I understand that, I realize that the "pure" type of girl I thought I was in love with wasn't really love, while the person I didn't recognize as "someone I like" was actually the one I was in love with. However, since it was a long time ago, I'm not 100% sure, but I probably felt that way. Even when I come to this conclusion, I still sometimes wonder, "Could it be true that I didn't even realize I was in love?" But, I think it's probably true.
Looking back at my memories, I think I was probably in love with people I didn't recognize as "someone I like," such as that girl from T University. At the time, I thought, "I wonder what it is. I don't understand." But now, after so many years, I suddenly realize, "Oh, that's why I liked her." I think I was really unaware of myself and couldn't express or act appropriately. At the time, I was very sad because that girl from T University didn't seem to pay much attention to me. But, at the time, I thought, "I guess we're from different worlds, so she's not paying attention to me," and I was sad because of that. However, it might have been because I was starting to like her, but she didn't seem to pay much attention to me, which made me sad. When I saw her face, and when she looked back at me and our eyes met, a sad feeling and tears suddenly came out, and I couldn't understand what was happening, and I was about to panic, so I desperately tried to suppress it with my consciousness, but I was almost in a panic, and my tears and expression were about to explode, so I desperately covered my face with my hands. But, at the time, I interpreted it as something else, as mentioned above. Now that I think about it, my interpretation at the time was wrong, and I didn't really understand myself. I thought, "I don't really like her," or I tried to convince myself of that, but my body reacted, so my head and body were out of sync, and I was about to panic. What I should have trusted was my body's reaction. So, I think I was probably in love with her. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't have cried or felt like crying just by seeing her face. My understanding of my own feelings was wrong, and because of that wrong understanding, my perception of what I should do was completely wrong.
I should have approached someone who was genuine, someone who could understand me, not a "pure" type of girl. When I think back to my junior high school, high school, or university days, I liked many "pure" type of girls, while at the same time, I was actually in love with someone I didn't consciously recognize as "someone I like." The appearance and makeup don't seem to be that important when it comes to whether or not I actually like someone. It seems that the "pure" type of girls are good at makeup and have good looks, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with them. The appearance is, to some extent, within an acceptable range as long as it's not physically repulsive. At the time, I was often drawn to them because of their appearance, probably influenced by the people around me, but that was the wrong choice. I should have trusted my feelings more. Even when my body showed a "like" reaction, I would reconsider it with my rational mind and say, "No, I don't like her," and prioritize my rationality, resulting in a life where I often approached "pure" type of girls.
I feel a sense of excitement and love towards "pure" type of girls, but that's often a physical attraction. When I truly like someone, it's more intellectual and fundamental.
It was rare for me to develop romantic feelings towards someone, but now that I think about it, it might have just been excessive self-awareness. I was quite insensitive, and I sometimes unintentionally caused sadness to girls around me, putting them in the same position. In reality, to have a truly meaningful relationship, it seems that the "sad" reaction often comes too late, and it's ideal to approach each other before that "sad" reaction occurs. Some people might give up as soon as they experience that "sad" reaction.
I've realized that someone I didn't consciously recognize as someone I liked, someone I didn't consciously "like" in my conscious mind, was actually someone I liked (on a deeper, more fundamental, and intellectual level than just physical attraction or sexual feelings), while someone I had previously consciously "liked" wasn't actually that great of a romantic partner. I've belatedly realized that my understanding of my own feelings was incorrect. I thought I "knew" about love from the heart, but I actually didn't.
For example, when I first started working, a friendly girl in a different department probably developed a deep, heartfelt affection for me, but at that time, I only had a more physical and blind kind of love, so we didn't match. She seemed to have some dissatisfaction with me, and I think that dissatisfaction might have stemmed from the fact that she wasn't being loved with a heartfelt connection. My level of love was simply too low. That feeling of incompatibility, I now realize, was the very sadness she sometimes showed, a sadness of not being understood.
* Self: Low love (physical love) vs. Partner: Low love (physical love) → Can be a "slutty" situation (in some cases). There's a high chance of something going wrong. Jealousy, possessiveness.
* Self: Low love (physical love) vs. Partner: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) → Incompatible, or it might work if the partner compromises or understands the self, but the partner will be left with a sadness of not being understood.
* Self: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) vs. Partner: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) → Ideal.
* Self: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) vs. Partner: Low love (physical love) → Incompatible, or it might work if the self compromises or understands the partner, but the self will be left with a sadness of not being understood.
When put in a table, it seems obvious, and I think I've seen similar tables before, but I didn't actually feel it. People often hear these kinds of explanations and, in their heads, understand and say, "Okay, I understand. I'll love with my heart," but they end up feeling like they know something they don't. In reality, they don't know. In the spiritual field, there are many such traps where people "understand" something in their heads and feel like they know, but they actually don't. Sometimes, it's important to "try it out" rather than focusing too much on knowledge. In this case, I thought I understood it, but I actually didn't.
By regaining a teenage-like state of mind, I've not only returned to a past state of mind but also gained new understanding, which has allowed me to finally settle the past, judge what is right and wrong, and discern good people from bad people, and honest people from dishonest people. I feel like I'm starting to overcome my past.
These kinds of things have been resurfacing like a slideshow over the past week. While it's impossible to live in the past forever, I feel like this has been a period of reflection. There are times like that in life.
When these understandings occurred, my heart seemed to open to a higher dimension. My sensitivity to love increased, and for some reason, tears would come out even when there was nothing. I've recently experienced flashbacks related to past romantic relationships, and while I initially thought they were just a nuisance, I now feel like I've reached a significant understanding and state.
Initially, these flashbacks were presented as a fictional story, a kind of "Romeo and Juliet" parody, which was somewhat detached from reality. At first, I didn't understand it, thinking it was just a fictional story and a collection of fragmented memories. However, if these flashbacks were repeatedly occurring to help me understand this, then my guides have been patiently providing educational materials to help me achieve this understanding. With this understanding, when I re-examine the "Romeo and Juliet"-style fictional story, I arrive at a different understanding. What I thought was a mixed-up fictional story might actually reflect reality. Either way, my perspective has changed.
This has given me a clearer understanding of how to approach relationships, including how to interact with people I should love, those I shouldn't, those who have physical attraction towards me, and those who love me with their hearts, as well as the ideal of a perfect match. Thinking about it, I realize that there have only been a few people in my life who could have been potential partners. I'm only now realizing this.
It seems I haven't truly understood what the feeling of unconditional love (Anahata) is like. Even when it appeared, I wasn't ready to accept it. I was misinterpreting what unconditional love is.
I couldn't interpret that feeling as unconditional love. I couldn't consciously define it as a positive and desirable form of love. I've probably felt unconditional love for several people in the past, but none of those relationships worked out. There was a pattern: I couldn't consciously recognize that feeling as unconditional love, so my mind would reject it, creating a disconnect between my mind and my feelings. Even when my mind told me, "I'm not interested in this person," my emotions would react, and when my emotions reacted while my mind was thinking, "This is wrong" or "I'm not interested," the relationship would inevitably fail. This would lead to inexplicable tears, which my conscious mind couldn't understand. My conscious mind would try to rationalize it, creating "plausible explanations" to understand what was happening, but I wasn't truly understanding it. There was a disconnect between reality and my understanding, which created a strange situation. For example, I might think, "Ah, it's clear that I and someone who goes to a prestigious university like T University are living in different worlds," but in reality, it was simply because I was attracted to them on a deeper level. Even though my mind might interpret it as, "I definitely don't like this person," my feelings would tell a different story. I couldn't understand myself. That's why my behavior would be, "I don't really know," while I was thinking, "I don't think she's that pretty, and her face isn't my type," but at the same time, I would feel, "There's something special about her (she's probably from a different world). What is this? I shouldn't like her." But I couldn't understand my emotions.
Even now, in spiritual teachings, it's often said that unconditional love is preferable to physical desire. I would intellectually understand this and think, "Yes, unconditional love is good. That's right," but I thought I understood it just by knowing it intellectually, as if I actually knew what unconditional love was. However, that wasn't the case. I think I've felt unconditional love for several people, but it was only occasionally, and even then, I couldn't understand it as love. So, I would often act distant or ignore people I should have been attracted to. In the beginning of a conversation, I wouldn't consciously interpret what was happening, and I would feel like, "Hmm, this is interesting," but then I would suddenly snap out of it, start thinking with my mind, and carefully observe the person's face, and then I would think, "Hmm, her face isn't my type, and I don't like her." Even though my feelings were telling me something different, my mind would interfere with those feelings, and that's why the relationships didn't work out. I would suddenly feel a sense of emptiness, and it would often be conveyed to the other person, making them feel uncomfortable and leading to the relationship failing. Now that I think about it, it was probably a state of oneness through unconditional love, but at that moment, my unconsciousness should have been prioritized, and my mind shouldn't have interfered with my feelings. I couldn't consciously understand or interpret that state. That's why love and marriage are sometimes described as "a feeling," and I think that's true for unconditional love.
Physical desire or love based on appearance is felt in the lower abdomen (around the Manipura or Swadhisthana chakras). Even love based on the Manipura chakra is a form of love, but it's more of a "possessive and emotional" love. I felt that kind of love towards what I would call "innocent but seductive" types, but at the time, I didn't realize it was Manipura love. In reality, I was misinterpreting it as unconditional love, and I couldn't understand which emotions were unconditional love. I think I was misinterpreting different things as unconditional love because I didn't know what unconditional love was.
In this area, I believe my mother's influence was strong. My mother is possessive and her love is manipulative. I feel like I received a lot of possessive love from my mother, which is a grateful kind of love, but at the same time, it's still a manipulative and possessive love. I don't think I received much of a "heartfelt" love from my mother.
Because of this, I think I developed a certain interpretation of what love is. In the world, love is often associated with the "heart," but what I knew was not a heartfelt love, but rather a feeling based on my own limited understanding. Sometimes, when we try to understand something we're unfamiliar with, we end up just thinking we understand it intellectually. I think that's what happened to me.
In comparison, I think "heartfelt" love is more "intellectual" than manipulative love. Therefore, for those who are accustomed to manipulative or physical love, "heartfelt" love may seem cold or distant, or they may not even be able to interpret it as love.
At the time, when I thought about it calmly and intellectually, I realized, "Wait, I'm not the type of person who likes that. It's not the same feeling of excitement I usually get (especially with the "cute" type of girl who I tend to be possessive of)." I thought, "Hmm... something's different. This isn't love," and I suppressed or deceived my own emotions. But that was a misinterpretation. When there's a mismatch between the mind and emotions, it can lead to an unstable and incomprehensible state, such as sudden bursts of sadness or the urge to cry, even though I couldn't understand what was happening. When the mind and consciousness are separated, the mind can make arbitrary interpretations, which can lead to incorrect actions or the suppression of emotions. These old emotions have been dormant in my depths for a long time, and recently, I've finally come to a "correct" understanding.
Manipulative love involves possessiveness, and that's a form of love in itself. However, "heartfelt" love is more free and less possessive, and it allows for a deeper connection and mutual respect.
Looking back, I had a period of about a week when old emotions resurfaced, creating a temporary state similar to adolescence. The interpretations that appeared in the flashbacks were different from my previous interpretations, so initially, I thought, "Even though the elements are from the past, the interpretation is different, and it's different from reality. It feels like just a textbook or a story I created in my head." But, actually, even that was a misinterpretation, and what was shown in the flashbacks was quite accurate, and my previous interpretations were quite wrong. This means that I didn't understand it at all. At the time, I was confident and thought I understood it, but it turns out I didn't understand anything. (Even now, there may still be various things I don't understand.)
Now that I think about it again, the manipulative love I felt was not necessarily a bad thing, and the love I felt for the "cute" type of girl was a certain kind of manipulative and possessive love. That's a form of love that exists, and it's true that it can lead to a deep connection. The desire to possess or be possessed is a sign of a deep connection and can lead to happiness. It's much better than a distant relationship. Even if it's a possessive love, it's better than being in a situation where you don't know how to love, and it's a proper form of love. I think that's the kind of love I felt for the "cute" type of girl. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, and there are people who express love in that way, which can lead to a happy situation for both parties. I myself thought that kind of love was happiness for a long time, so even if there were difficult times, it was still a form of happiness.
However, there are different types of relationships where one person is a "heartfelt" or even a more "noble" being, while the other person only knows manipulative and possessive love. In such cases, it seems like the person with the "heartfelt" love might feel confused. I remember a time when I was interested in a woman and approached her, but she seemed confused and rejected me (indirectly) because she didn't know how to react. This was probably because my love was manipulative and possessive, while she had a "heartfelt" love, so our feelings didn't match, and she was confused. When people are at a similar level, there's a chance of connection, but in this case, the woman's level of consciousness was too high, and she probably didn't have much in common with me. From her perspective, it probably felt like, "I don't understand. This is impossible." That kind of thing can happen.
I used to be in a stage of possessive and manipulative love, and while I occasionally experienced heart-centered love, I often struggled to embrace it. I believe I was in a transitional period, moving from manipulative and possessive love to heart-centered love. Because of this, I often clung to the ways of loving I had become accustomed to, and I didn't fully understand the concept of heart-centered love. Consequently, my actions were inconsistent, and I wasn't able to truly embody heart-centered love. There were many people in my life who deserved my love, but I didn't realize it.
Looking back on my life, I now understand heart-centered love, and I can identify who I should have loved and cherished, and who I should not have. I was often drawn to what I now recognize as "pure" types, but I should have been drawn to genuine and sincere people. There were many opportunities to connect with such people, but I missed them. I feel terrible for the way I treated those kind people when I was younger. I want to apologize to the many good people I overlooked.
In heart-centered love, it's painful when love isn't reciprocated. Especially when the other person is not yet at the heart-centered stage, and their love is still at the manipulative stage, it's painful because you can't connect on a heart-centered level. I sometimes think that I should have tried to connect with those kind people, but in reality, I wasn't at a stage where I could truly offer them the love they deserved. I wasn't ready. They were at the heart-centered stage, while I was often in a transitional phase, oscillating between manipulative love and occasionally reaching a heart-centered state. I think they were saddened by my inability to connect with them on a heart-centered level. The relationship often failed because we were at different stages.
With this understanding, my heart has opened slightly, and I'm becoming more aware of the sensitive parts of myself. I can feel my heart exploring the world with curiosity. I'm also noticing that my aura is expanding further towards the crown chakra (Sahasrara), and while it's not fully open, it feels more stable. This new understanding of love has brought about these changes. As a result, I'm constantly reminded of the things I've done wrong in the past. This is about my younger years, and it's purely about the heart, not physical relationships. It's about the regret I feel for dismissing the feelings of girls and causing them pain. I often ignored the genuine feelings of innocent girls, and many of them were truly good people who deserved to be cherished.
However, I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so it would have been nice if the women had been more direct about their feelings. But, of course, it's not easy for women to express their feelings so openly. That's just the way it is. I believe that kind people often hesitate to express their feelings, and it's important for men to be aware of those feelings.
In essence, what I'm saying is that "I didn't know heart-centered love." I may have occasionally experienced it, but it wasn't a constant state. I'm gradually deepening my understanding by constantly re-evaluating my perceptions.
This newfound understanding will fundamentally change my behavior and way of thinking. It's a bit late, but it's better than remaining unaware for the rest of my life. I want to live my life with this new awareness.
Now that I see the world through this new lens, I realize that truly good people are everywhere, and they are living lives filled with love. These people are often not concerned with spiritual concepts, but they still possess love. On the other hand, people who are overly focused on spirituality or who have become arrogant often lack love. It seems that there are fewer truly spiritual people who have reached the fundamental and essential understanding of love. Spiritual people tend to focus on "information" and "knowledge," but I believe that people who prioritize a normal life and strive to live with love are more truly spiritual. Of course, the ideal is to have both.
Spiritual people, I believe, strive to reach a state of loving-kindness through learning and acquiring knowledge. If one is still in the process of understanding loving-kindness, then even if they gain knowledge and feel accomplished, it is likely an illusion because they lack the understanding of loving-kindness. However, knowledge and learning can guide people towards love, so they are not entirely useless. Nevertheless, there are spiritual people who, despite not having attained loving-kindness, become arrogant and believe they have reached a certain level. In reality, "truly good" people often live more loving-kind lives. I've always thought that spirituality is often geared towards those who are "not yet enlightened." Those who are truly enlightened don't need practices or spirituality.
I used to be satisfied with the "bliss" and "fulfillment" I experienced through meditation, but now that I have a glimpse of this "love" in the heart, I realize that those personal feelings of bliss and fulfillment were just a stepping stone.
With this new understanding and the organization of this fundamental and essential concept of love, my perspective on people has changed, and I feel that I need to change my own approach.
First, by understanding loving-kindness, one can understand the people around them. As often said, one can only understand people who are at a lower spiritual level, and it is natural that if one does not have loving-kindness, they cannot know if others have it.
To distinguish between a "clean-cut bitch" and a "truly good woman," one must first understand love. This is a very simple matter. There are different forms of love, including "possessive love" (manipulative love), which is not necessarily bad, and even if it is, it is still a form of love. Possessive love, even with its difficulties, is a very strong love. Many people have not yet reached that level, so possessive love is still a wonderful love.
On the other hand, by first understanding the love of the heart (Anahata), one can move beyond possessive love (manipulative love) and be able to distinguish and find truly good women.
Living in a state of love is almost the same as living telepathically. Love enables telepathy, which is oneness and self-identity.
Now, I am returning to a state I haven't experienced since elementary school, regaining my telepathic abilities. While I only had sensations before, now I have understanding along with those sensations. By understanding loving-kindness, I can now identify truly good women to some extent, and my life has become more fulfilling again.
I have often talked about yoga and meditation, mentioning things like "stillness" and "bliss," but the ultimate destination is always the universal loving-kindness. And this is something that many people naturally practice in their daily lives. I simply didn't know or had forgotten this ordinary thing. Because I had forgotten it, I thought it was something extraordinary, but it turns out that ordinary love is what should be known. When I recall it, it's similar to the feelings I had when I was a child. I had forgotten that feeling for a long time.
When I realized that the feeling of ordinary love, with an open heart and rich emotions, was exactly what yoga and spirituality are talking about, I realized how lacking my understanding had been and how I had been lacking in the feeling of ordinary love. And I clearly recognized that what I had thought were different things before were actually the same.
By doing yoga and spirituality and reaching various states like "stillness," I had the illusion that I had grown and become a superior person. In reality, there are many people who live loving-kind lives and practice love in the real world, even in the face of daily hardships, without doing yoga or spirituality. Compared to them, I was just a child who had grown a little bit through yoga and spirituality and felt good about it. One of the reasons why some people feel that spirituality or religion is unpleasant or hypocritical is that there are people who talk about love without actually attaining this ordinary love.
It seems that until I reached this understanding of love in the heart, I didn't truly know what love was. I feel like I had forgotten it. The expression "to know love" is sometimes used, but this is a metaphorical expression, not a literal meaning of intellectually memorizing and studying something. It's a metaphorical way of expressing that one has reached the state of love. Love is not something that can be studied and "known" in that sense, but if one reaches the state of love, one can gain an "understanding" of that state, so it's not wrong to metaphorically express that understanding as "knowing." The expression "to know love" can be quite misleading, as it can be misinterpreted as intellectual understanding, which is not entirely appropriate, but even so, if one understands the metaphorical meaning, there is no misunderstanding, and I feel that my understanding of love has deepened compared to before. In that way, by first reaching the state of love in the heart, I came to understand that the understanding of the state of love that is often talked about in the world is indeed correct.
I feel like I have taken the first step towards "living with love." This is all thanks to the many women who loved me (and who were sad and shed tears for me), and the few women who I was able to love. And I think that this is not only about loving the opposite sex, but also about a universal love towards all people, and it is also a return to one's original, true self.
Love in the heart is the foundation of a person, and I think everyone has it. As we live in society, it becomes clouded, our perception becomes distorted, and we eventually forget what love in the heart is, but if we continue to seek love in the heart, we will eventually return to that state.
Once upon a time, a young man from the countryside moved to the city. Years later, he suddenly remembered past events that were both nostalgic and painful, re-experiencing them as if they were happening in the present. He was overwhelmed by a sea of mixed emotions, including the conflicts, love, and hatred of adolescence. He not only recalled those times but also reinterpreted them in light of his current understanding, leading to new insights. This involved not only reinterpreting impressions but also, using telepathic abilities, aligning with the other person's perspective to understand what they were thinking and feeling at the time, literally through their point of view (through a state of oneness). Based on this new understanding, he was able to reinterpret past situations and arrive at completely different conclusions.
While it might seem strange for someone my age to be doing this, this change has caused my emotional body to react, and I feel joy and affection towards everyone around me. While I had already expressed myself in this way to some extent, the recent change is that I am feeling emotions too intensely, almost like I am going through adolescence again. In my youth, especially during high school, I experienced harassment, bullying, relentless slander, insults, and mockery. As a result, my heart was broken for a long time. Now, I can choose my relationships and am generally in a safe environment. I wonder if adolescence would have been more enjoyable if I had been in a good relationship. However, I suspect that the same kind of enjoyment might be possible even later in life. It feels a bit late to say this. Finally, I have come to understand the struggles of my acquaintances to some extent. Especially during high school, I felt more like my heart was broken and on the verge of collapse, barely holding on. Perhaps that was adolescence, but during high school, my heart was broken, and now, while I still have some of that sensitivity, my heart is barely holding on.
These memories and reinterpretations naturally emerged in my mind.
This feels like I am experiencing adolescence again, but it also feels like old, unresolved energy that has been suppressed deep inside is now surfacing. As memories and energy resurface, I experience a melancholic state of adolescence. I feel the need to resolve this old energy.
The recent creative story that came from old memories, a kind of "Romeo and Juliet" rip-off, is largely fictional, but it seems that several scenarios are intertwined, creating a mixed-up image. While the underlying material is correct, I often see acquaintances, especially women, with "a very sad, downcast expression" or "a slightly angry expression, but they are holding it back, and yet, they look sad." I couldn't understand those women's emotions at the time, wondering "Why are they so sad?" or "Why are so many emotions mixed together?"
Of course, if there were specific interactions and sadness, I could understand it to some extent, but I didn't feel it as strongly, and I just thought, "Maybe that's the case." On the other hand, there were people who were sad but I didn't think they were sad about my own affairs, but perhaps they were heartbroken and sad because of their feelings for me. (This might seem like an overreaction to others.)
Now, while processing this old energy, I am experiencing these (mostly fictional) stories one by one, and I have come to understand that these women were feeling things like this.
When someone is in love but is not reciprocated, they often have that "melancholy expression." It's easy to understand in dramas, but in the real world, there are many cases where it's subtle and difficult to understand. For example, someone might become friendly with you, hoping for a romantic relationship, but you treat them as just a friend. That person might be thinking, "Is this going to lead to a romantic relationship? I've already fallen in love. What are you going to do with these feelings? Take responsibility. What should I do with these feelings?" They might be feeling a mixture of "melancholy, a little anger, and self-restraint to suppress that anger." They might not normally be the type to get angry, but they can't suppress the sadness and pain, and they feel pathetic about themselves, and they become even more sad because their love is not being returned." This is expressed through their facial expressions. It's not anger, but perhaps a better word would be indignation. There were probably some "tragic young women" with platonic love around me. Is this an overreaction?
I try to be careful not to mislead people, but I can't control the feelings of others, and while it's unavoidable, it's still frustrating. I tend to be easily infatuated, so my eyes and expressions often betray my feelings. Women are sensitive to these cues and react accordingly, while I unconsciously react to them, and I often realize "I've done it again" when I notice my own unconscious reactions. I can't be in a relationship with everyone. So, I try to distance myself from women who seem to be developing feelings for me, but that often ends up hurting them. I'm truly sorry.
It's only now that I'm realizing that some of the women I thought were interested in me were just being kind, while others who I didn't pay much attention to might have actually liked me. It's a bit late to realize this, but it would have been better to understand it sooner.
The stories I've been shown recently, while seemingly meaningful, were actually quite superficial. The only lesson I learned was that "when I was emotionally broken and my emotional maturity was low, it was difficult for me to enter a romantic mode. So, the fact that I didn't develop a relationship with that person was unavoidable. I was only able to feel affection for S-type women who abused me, a skewed form of love I developed in my childhood, and I didn't know how to interact with normal, good people. I was behaving terribly." However, this is a personal story from the past that is already over, and my emotional state at the time was like that, so I couldn't enter a romantic mode. Therefore, this story is over. More importantly, the recent creative stories seem to be "materials" for understanding various situations. As I analyzed before, although the individual elements may be correct, the overall consistency is lacking, and it doesn't match reality. It seems that the purpose was not to deal with reality, but to understand the people around me during adolescence and youth.
After understanding the content of the stories, I realized that there are actually some "good" women among the female acquaintances I knew in the past. I wish I had realized this sooner, because good people are often overlooked, but they are actually very good. If I had known this earlier, I would have seen women differently. I think there were many good women all around me.
When I was young, I thought I had a good eye for women, but that wasn't the case. When I was young, I was looking for someone with a good appearance and personality, which made it difficult to find a partner. Now, I realize that I should have prioritized personality. Of course, it's best to have both a good appearance and a good personality, but appearance is also an individual characteristic, so it's okay to prioritize personality.
I've been experiencing a surge of old adolescent energy, and I wondered what it was. I thought it might not be important, and I wanted to get rid of it quickly. However, there was actually important knowledge within that feeling, and it seems that it wasn't a waste of time. The saying "there is no waste" may be true.
The unstable adolescent emotions that have been surfacing recently probably didn't appear for me to re-experience them, but rather to understand the energy of that time. Now that I've finished learning, that energy has subsided and calmed down. However, my emotional body seems to be developing recently, so I think I'm in a state where it's easier to fall in love, even at my age.
This sadness and subtle anger may seem like jealousy or possessiveness, but it's different. I used to think it was possessiveness, but it's not. The sadness comes from the feeling of being torn apart, regardless of whether there are other people around. And when I feel helpless, a slight anger and frustration erupt, and I sometimes lash out at the other person. When I lash out at the other person, I feel disappointed in myself for hurting the person I love, and I feel that they probably misunderstood me and think I'm a terrible person. Then, I feel a sad feeling that I can't be with this person anymore, and that love will never happen again, and I break up. So, I think there is sadness and subtle anger coming from love. I didn't understand this well enough, and I wondered why some of the girls around me would sometimes get hysterical with me, but I didn't realize they were in love.
On the other hand, I think there is another form of affection. It is the feeling of wanting to understand and be understood, which can bring about feelings similar to love, but perhaps weaker. This can also lead to feelings of sadness and frustration due to alienation. Alternatively, in a relationship where there is a sense of opposition, one may misinterpret the desire to be recognized as love, leading to similar feelings of sadness and frustration.
This is likely a difference in stages.
Initially, even if there is a sense of opposition, one may eventually develop feelings of wanting to understand and be understood, which is the basic form of love, and from which trust is born. It can also start from a certain level of trust.
When I was young, I didn't understand love, but now I realize that love is not something that happens instantly like a crush, but something that is cultivated. A crush is often triggered by similar faces or related energies, rather than actual love for the person. Therefore, even if one thinks they are having a crush, it may disappear when the energy fades.
On the other hand, if one is sincere, a relationship can be built, and that can lead to love, even if it is not immediately apparent.
Falling in love is a state of self-other identity, where both you and the other person become confused. This is similar to a state achieved through meditation, but falling in love may be easier than achieving that state through meditation. In meditation, we talk about love, but it is essentially the same as love.
I now believe that many of the women around me understood my situation better than I did. They knew that I was too preoccupied with myself to be in a relationship, and that is why they may have been sad and avoided getting too close. Women often have psychic abilities, and while some may know and feel sad when their love is not reciprocated, others may not be as perceptive and may have had feelings for me. However, those who are less perceptive are still decent people, and there is nothing wrong with that. In reality, there were probably others who understood me even better than I understood myself, and I should have been with someone like that.
As meditation deepened, I began to feel a sense of connection with everyone around me. I recently felt like I was going through a phase of adolescence. If meditation and love are essentially the same in terms of the state of "self-other identity," then it is natural to feel feelings similar to love towards others, even if they are strangers.
Even if there is no special relationship, even if it is just a brief conversation, if one of you is in that state, you can instantly fall into a platonic love. This platonic love may only last for a few moments, but it can bring vitality to life. The fleeting moments of love are sweet, and even the subsequent separation can be bittersweet and stimulating. Such short, platonic relationships can be purely loving, without ulterior motives or vested interests. Even if we don't recognize it as love, being able to connect with a good person can make the world a more fulfilling place.
This experience has not only brought regret but also various understandings, insights, and emotions. It has given me a different understanding of love and affection.
When understanding arises, the emotional stories that have recently stirred and manipulated my emotions, such as Romeo and Juliet, suddenly receded into the background. By correctly understanding these emotions, they have become more complete. The way to handle and understand each emotion was largely a misunderstanding or a lack of understanding. While purification or exorcism can help, understanding has brought me a little closer to complete emotions and understanding.
Through this, I have come to understand what a truly good person is. However, I have also gained a deeper understanding of the opposite, and while this is a secondary understanding, I have become more able to distinguish between people with unpleasant personalities or those with the potential to become "innocent bitches." When I entered high school, there was a classmate who was in the student council in the first year. She was well-mannered, had a lovely face, and I was quite infatuated with her at the time. However, a few months after entering high school, her appearance suddenly changed. While her face was still pleasant, she suddenly started to have a faint smile, and she started to hang out with other "yanki" (delinquent) girls. Furthermore, around that time, her eyes clearly changed. The "haze" that used to be in her eyes disappeared, her eyes became more open, and her gaze seemed to be floating. Now, I think that was the moment when she lost her virginity and became an "innocent bitch." I was disillusioned with her at that moment and no longer liked her.
Furthermore, there was a girl I had liked since junior high school. I believe she was a virgin during junior high school, but I suspect she later became a "cute bitch." Rumor has it that she started sleeping with people soon after moving to Tokyo. That's sad, but it shows that I lacked the ability to see through her. Recently, I've become better at identifying such people, and while it's a bit sad to have my illusions about women shattered, I think it's better than getting involved with a "cute bitch." I really didn't have a good eye for women before. I thought I did, but I was wrong. Now that I can identify "cute bitches," it's not necessarily a guarantee of anything, but I feel like I can distinguish them, which helps me filter out untrustworthy people and identify those who are more likely to be trustworthy. However, I can only judge whether someone is a "cute bitch" at that moment, not whether they have the potential to be one, so there are many cases where they might not become one due to their environment or choices.
Now that I think about it, even situations where I was sad because a girl didn't reciprocate my feelings might not have been worth being sad about. For example, a "cute bitch" who suddenly glared at me with an irritated look when I showed interest in her was someone who wasn't worth my sadness. When that old energy from the past suddenly resurfaced, I wondered what it was, but then the answer came to me: it was the thoughts that "cute bitch" had about me, her perspective and understanding of the situation. As a result of recognizing that, I clearly realized that I didn't need to be sad about her. She was simply aware of her own attractiveness and was looking for a wealthy "ATM husband." Therefore, whether she liked me or not was not important, and her response (looking down at me) "What are you going to do with me?" showed that she was thinking about "what she could get" from a relationship, and her real goal was to find an "ATM." In that case, I was just a "minor" to her, so there was no reason for me to be sad about what she said.
Similarly, a certain "slutty" girl would mock men (while laughing) and say, "Men are so troublesome," and I felt that she was looking down on men because she could say such things to me in front of me. However, I later heard that she suddenly got pregnant and married, but a few years after her child was born, her infidelity was discovered, and she divorced. I suspect that she thought, "Men are stupid, so I can cheat on them without any problems," or "I won't get caught by men," or that she was confident that even if she cheated, she wouldn't get divorced. Based on her previous statements, that's a reasonable assumption. Now that she's been abandoned by a seemingly good husband, I wonder what she's going to do. When I didn't understand what she was like at the time, I now see that she was a "cute bitch" and that she is not a trustworthy person. It seems that a considerable proportion of the women I had some affection for were "cute bitches."
I'm glad I didn't get caught by a "cute bitch," as there have been many dangerous situations. From the beginning, they are after money, so the pattern with a "cute bitch" is either to be an "ATM" for a long time or to get divorced and receive property division or child support. If they are cute, charming, or good at pleasing men, that's a talent, so men are drawn to them. There are men who brag about having "cute bitches," and I think they lack good judgment, but that's just life. I personally think it's best to avoid "cute bitches" from the beginning, but this is just my personal opinion and not a recommendation for anyone. Many "cute bitches" seem to impose financial demands on men, such as "I'll be good to you if you give me money," and men agree to it. I think those men are reaping what they sow. I often think, "How can you make such a promise?" Of course, people like me who are cautious wouldn't be noticed by them, and we would be looked down upon as "minor" or "insignificant." By the way, I once heard a group of women talking about me, saying, "Is he even rich?" even though I could hear them clearly. "Cute bitches" are really crazy. The fact that they would have such a conversation even if they could hear it means that they completely look down on me, and they probably think that a man like me is insignificant. I think it's better to have a normal and trustworthy partner than a "cute bitch" who is just pretty.
This understanding, which is becoming more common recently, helps me understand the true intentions behind the words of those I couldn't understand before. By becoming a telepath, I can understand the feelings of others from their perspective, hear their inner voice, and understand their true feelings. As a result, I can often hear things that were unnecessary to lament, or things that are so trivial that they are not worth being disappointed about. For example, I realized that I was troubled by a "chaste bitch" who was not as innocent as she seemed.
This is not something that can be answered immediately, but if you ask a question, the guide will investigate and eventually give you the answer. There is no way to verify this, and the other person would never admit such a shameful thing. Therefore, there is a possibility that it is wrong, but it is consistent as a hypothesis, so I think it is probably true. What I originally thought was true may not be true, and it may be different from my own imagination. However, with telepathy, I can understand the feelings and inner voice of the other person from their perspective, which is different from my own desires and imagination.
Telepathy allows me to understand the other person's perspective, which is highly reliable. It is simply a state of "seeing" or "recognizing" the other person, and there is no "imagination" involved. Sometimes, I am shocked to find that what I thought I understood is completely different. In my daily life, I interpret the other person's feelings as a "receiver," but in a telepathic state, I can understand what the other person was thinking, as if their thoughts and feelings overlap with mine for a moment. This is very different from the "receiver's perspective" in the normal sense, and I can directly understand the other person's thoughts from their subjective point of view.
Looking back, the common sense often taught in spiritual circles, such as "accept your trauma," is often a lie. From a telepathic perspective, trauma is "unjustified slander and abuse from the other person," so it is better not to accept it. This kind of "accept your trauma" is a perspective from the "energy vampire" side, the winning side, and it is simply a way of saying, "You are the ones who provide energy, so be quiet," without saying it directly.
On the other hand, I don't have much trauma myself, but I think I have more trauma that has been implanted by others. Of course, this varies from person to person, and people who don't act well don't feel trauma about their own actions. Therefore, I think that most trauma is something that has been implanted by others. There are legitimate feelings among the feelings from others, and while it is necessary to correct those, depending on the person you are with, I think that in my younger days, I was often subjected to unreasonable, irrational, and selfish anger and curses from others, and I received them without any defense.
The reason I felt trauma about "chaste bitches" is because they sent me feelings of rejection and slander, even though they were smiling on the surface, and that's why I was traumatized by their feelings. I am a victim, so I didn't need to think that I was at fault. Now that I have finally returned to a telepathic state (since childhood), I can clearly recognize what the other person was thinking about me (from their perspective, from the sender's perspective), and although it is not in real time, once I understand that perspective, I realize that I did not need to feel trauma in most cases. I didn't need to feel trauma, and it wasn't worth it, for those "chaste bitches" (multiple people, a large number of them). I was often attracted to "chaste bitches" when I was young, and I think I wasted my life.
There were many good people among those I ignored, but if you don't have good judgment, this is what happens. I was troubled by things that were unnecessary and didn't need to be worried about, and because I was wasting my time worrying about them, I couldn't take action when I should have, and I feel sorry for the girls I couldn't act properly towards.
If I had understood this earlier in my life, during middle school, high school, or even college, my life might have been very different. But, well, there's nothing I can do about it now. Life is like that.
For example, I remember a girl I met at a "konkatsu" (dating) event in my first year of university. She was from another university. At the time, I thought, "I don't really understand her. Her looks aren't really my type. We don't seem to have much in common. There's a lot of miscommunication." But now, looking back, I realize she was a kind and sincere person. Or, there was a quiet girl in my high school class. I considered her a friend, and I didn't have any romantic feelings for her, but now I realize she was a good person.
There was a girl I met at a "konkatsu" event after I entered university or became a working adult. She said something like, "I cry when I listen to certain songs," and I ignored it at the time. But that was a sign that her heart was open, and she was a very good person, but I didn't realize it at the time.
On the other hand, a girl I liked in middle school didn't have a deep relationship with me, but after moving to Tokyo, she became a woman who would sleep with anyone. She's a "chise-kei bitch" (a seemingly innocent but manipulative woman). The girl I liked in high school had some personality issues, but she too was a "chise-kei bitch." It seems I was drawn to "chise-kei bitches," and if I had had a better eye for women back then, my life might have been different.
At my workplace, some of the bosses' (male) wives were "chise-kei bitches," and I sometimes thought, "She's cleverly caught a good-looking, wealthy man." But, if they're happy, I think they should do what they want. It's not something I should point out, and it's not really that important to me. Besides, even if someone starts out as a "gold digger," they might eventually fall in love, or the opposite might happen.
Besides "chise-kei bitches," there are also simply girls who like sex. That's something different and should be distinguished from "chise-kei bitches." There was a girl in my high school class who, although we didn't have a sexual relationship, were pretty good friends. She was very open, and she would cheerfully tell me and other male friends, "I'm thinking about applying for a job at a company called 'Land,' because it seems like you can get a lot of money and have a good time there," and she was happy. I didn't know who she was with, and we didn't have a relationship beyond that. Later, she actually ended up working at a public lodging facility in her hometown, and even then, she said something like, "It would be interesting if I could sneak into a room and have a moment with a guest," which was either serious or a joke. But she was just a straightforward girl, not pretending to be anything. I think there's a difference between a "chise-kei bitch" with ulterior motives and a girl who is simply honest about her sexuality.
Not all "chise-kei bitches" cheat, and not all of them like sex. Essentially, a "chise-kei bitch" is a beautiful woman who tries to manipulate men. Whether someone is a "chise-kei bitch" depends on their personality and temperament. "Chise-kei bitches" have a structure similar to male bullies, and while their demeanor is refined and innocent, they get irritated and suddenly lash out if something doesn't go their way. This kind of behavior is the same for both men and women, and it's a form of emotional abuse. I've been irritated, yelled at, glared at, and told to "go away" by "chise-kei bitches" many times, but a truly innocent and good person wouldn't act like that. I really didn't have a good eye for women, and I was often deceived by "chise-kei bitches." At the time, I was tormented by a sense of guilt, but in reality, there was no need to worry or feel guilty about those "chise-kei bitches."
Since I was bullied for the first time in kindergarten and developed a mental illness, I've been trying to cope with persistent and insidious bullying, but in the process, I became mentally numb, disillusioned with the world and life, and constantly trying to cut off relationships. Eventually, my mental state deteriorated, and I didn't understand the people around me. When I was young, the bullies were mostly boys, but later, in high school and university, I encountered "chise-kei bitches," which wasted a lot of my time and energy.
When I was young, I was constantly told by the people around me and the adults that "you're the one at fault," but it's common for perpetrators to justify their actions and make the victim feel like they are the cause, and the victim ends up believing that they are the problem. This is a fairly typical pattern of bullying, abuse, and enslavement. For a long time, I was made to feel like I was the one at fault, but in reality, it was the bullies who were wrong. In kindergarten, the classmate who caused me to refuse to go to school was wrong, and in elementary school, the neighborhood bully forced me to play a "drowning game" in a nearby river, and the older student laughed as he suddenly pushed my head into the water or tried to drown me by pulling my legs. At one point, that older student used an electric shaver to rub it on my feet and hands to bully me, which made the hair on those areas grow thicker, and I was teased by my classmates for that. No matter how you look at it, I wasn't wrong, and it was the classmates and the neighborhood kids (older students) who were wrong, but I was made to believe that I was wrong, that I was the problem, and that it was wrong for me to be victimized. The adults and teachers around me didn't understand, and they just thought of me as "that blank-looking kid." Now, I think I should have run away to a foster home, but if I had gone to a foster home, I might not have been able to go to university, so I guess it was okay that I was allowed to go to university.
"Chise-kei" (innocent-type) bitches glared at me as if I were at fault, and I received "disparaging gazes" and was ridiculed in front of me. Yet, I sometimes felt like I was the one at fault. However, the behavior and personality of these "chise-kei" bitches were dishonest, and I didn't need to worry or feel guilty for them. "Chise-kei" bitches sometimes send unwarranted feelings of resentment, so it's best not to have any dealings with them from the beginning. It's unthinkable to have a physical relationship with a "chise-kei" bitch, and it's better to avoid even talking to them.
In the first place, it seemed that "chise-kei" bitches thought that I would be a romantic interest while belittling me. However, from my perspective, I would never consider someone who belittles me as a romantic interest. I wonder how they thought that belittling someone would make them a romantic interest. Perhaps, during childhood, it's common to "bully the person you like," so maybe that's what happened. However, from the person who was bullied, they only leave the impression of being an unpleasant person, so they are excluded from being a romantic interest. Some people were sad because they weren't given attention, but I felt it was strange. Indeed, these "chise-kei" bitches are full of charm, and there were times when I was drawn to them. However, even when I was drawn to them, there was an invisible barrier that said, "This person is not for me," and I was both very interested and simultaneously in a state of rejection due to that barrier. Perhaps, someone invisible was protecting me from being attracted to "chise-kei" bitches.
On the other hand, there are truly good people, and they are not always beautiful, but rather plain. However, during that time, it was common for people around to rank others based on their appearance, and people were concerned about those evaluations, making it difficult to act according to their feelings. I wish I hadn't worried about that. Truly good people are not about appearance, but about personality.
By the way, I suddenly remembered that a certain beautiful "chise-kei" bitch's business partner was persistently trying to meet me, and it seemed suspicious, so I didn't meet her, and she said, "You're still a man, aren't you?" Her argument was that "if a woman is inviting you (me), you shouldn't reject her," and she was scolding me for that. She seemed frustrated that I wasn't going to have a relationship with her. It turned into a fight, and she became hysterical, saying, "I don't need you. I'm the one doing it. You should give me more money since you're making money. If you don't want to, you can quit." I told her that if she said that, I would exclude her from the business, stopped her account, and removed her access to the system, and she became hysterical. However, in reality, even though I provided the investment and the position, she said that she didn't need me, which is a ridiculous story. It was "too good to be true." I will briefly describe the situation, as the details are long. In short, that woman who was mistaken came to me and said, "Get out," as if she were taking over, which is something that should be rejected. Since she was openly declaring a takeover, there was nothing to do but reject her. She didn't even understand the difference between a capital owner and an employee, and she was so stupid that she didn't even know that she was in a position given to her by me, and she was demanding things like, "You should give me more money," or "You should let me take over the business," which is why I didn't need her. The fact that she said that to me means that she was looking down on me, and she was trying to take advantage of me.
And that woman, in addition to not understanding her own situation, was looking down on me and trying to take advantage of me.
Despite the fact that the "chise-kei" bitch who was trying to take advantage of me or scolding me is a bad and ugly person, I sometimes get scolded or blamed by "chise-kei" bitches, and it's as if I'm the one at fault. "Chise-kei" bitches scold me with a smug expression, so when I get scolded, I sometimes think, "Is that so?" However, it's too awkward to have a relationship with that woman, and she's demanding an excessive amount of money, and she doesn't even understand the relationship between capital and employee, but she is so confident and assertive that I feel like I'm going to stop thinking, and emotionally, I feel like she's right, and I feel like I'm the one at fault, but I think that such an excessive benefit is not okay, and I think that the "chise-kei" bitch who is trying to take advantage of me is a bad person. Why am I being scolded and ridiculed, and why am I not being blamed? It's incomprehensible. There are men in the world who will accept "chise-kei" bitches, and those people are living their lives in a way that is not for me, so I wish they would do their own thing, and I don't need to deny "chise-kei" bitches, because there are men in the world who are happy by being with "chise-kei" bitches, so they should do what they want. "Chise-kei" bitches should not involve themselves with me. It's so incomprehensible that my head is spinning.
When I am repeatedly and quickly scolded and blamed, I tend to think, "Is that right? Is that the right way to do it? Am I wrong?" This is a characteristic of empaths, as we tend to sympathize with the other person's thoughts. However, if I take a step back and think calmly, I realize that the other person's argument is completely wrong.
I remember that there were several people in my workplace who had married "chaste bitches" who were strong and assertive, only to regret it later. Some said, "I wish I had thought more before getting married," while others said, "I've been dating women for years, so if I don't get married, it's a waste of time. I want my time back," and ended up regretting their marriage. Marrying a "chaste bitch" who lacks sincerity and is self-centered leads to a life of suffering for men. I was once in a similar situation, but I was lucky enough to avoid it.
I wonder why I am constantly surrounded by "chaste bitches" who see me as an easy target. Is it the law of attraction? Or am I being careless?
I remember that the female business partner used to occasionally give me a "smirky" look. However, the "smirky" look that "chaste bitches" give when they look at me is very similar to the look that salespeople give when they are trying to sell something expensive, or the look that a boss gives to a subordinate when treating them like a slave. It's very unsettling. Recently, I've been running away as soon as I see that "smirky" look.
To "chaste bitches," I am like an easy target. And just like salespeople who get frustrated and try to force a sale when a customer tries to leave, "chaste bitches" also get frustrated and try to make me act according to their will. When I try to distance myself or escape, they get frustrated and yell or lash out, just like salespeople who treat customers as easy targets. Every time this happens, my heart is sick, and my head spins. Therefore, it is best not to have any dealings with "chaste bitches" who see me as an easy target.
In fact, when I had interactions with the female business partner, I didn't realize she was trying to use me for surrogacy. I simply avoided her because she made excessive demands and was very intimidating. However, I found out about her true intentions six months later. I received a message from a contact who said, "She's pregnant with the child of a male relative of the same age. When I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was your child, but I can't believe she got pregnant with a relative. She'll never be happy." I finally understood the reason for my discomfort. She probably knew the approximate timing of the pregnancy and thought she could get away with it, even if the gestational age didn't quite match. However, if you carefully check the gestational age, you can tell that it doesn't match. She must have thought she could get away with it. As a result, I realized that she probably wanted to have a baby through surrogacy and wanted to sleep with me. This was confirmed by the detailed information I received from the contact.
Therefore, the female business partner, a "chaste bitch," probably saw me as a convenient target. It's so frustrating. "Chaste bitches" who are carnivores seem to be quite aggressive. I have never slept with that business partner, and we were never in that kind of relationship. However, people around us were spreading rumors about our relationship. Even before that, there were suspicious things about what she was planning, but this time, it was particularly aggressive and strange. Because I was suspicious, I distanced myself, and later I found out that she was a very aggressive and manipulative "chaste bitch," so I really have bad eyes. According to the information I received from the contact, she was having secret rendezvous with a relative. I wonder what kind of person she is. My head is spinning. I don't understand her. Even if there is another man, having a secret rendezvous with a relative is incomprehensible and completely lacking in common morality. It is said that you can marry if you are separated by three generations, but I wonder if it is common to have such a relationship with a relative. My head is spinning, and I feel nauseous. I wonder what I was seeing in her.
When our relationship was good, she always said, "I'm grateful," but after our relationship broke down, she occasionally sent emails saying, "Everything has gone wrong since I got involved with you. You're responsible, so take responsibility." I ignored those meaningless and contradictory messages at the time. I don't think her life has gone wrong because of me, but because she is pregnant with a child from a relative she doesn't want. I wonder why I am so hated for rejecting her surrogacy. It's meaningless and confusing. Because of these experiences, I don't want to have anything to do with women who are not very bright.
This woman, like someone attempting to exploit my kindness for their own gain, and these "innocent" but manipulative women who take advantage of my generosity are too numerous. However, I also recognize that being overly kind is not in my nature, so I feel the need to maintain a certain distance and avoid being overly accommodating. Furthermore, when serving others, I prefer to do so without expecting anything in return. If they don't reciprocate, it doesn't necessarily hurt my feelings. Therefore, when I give something to someone, I either set clear conditions or expectations beforehand, or I simply don't expect anything in return. This is also a lesson I've learned. People often have different expectations than what we anticipate. While I may perceive these women as manipulative and exploitative, they might believe that their behavior is "normal." Therefore, it's best to avoid relationships with women who have such different perspectives, such as those who might try to exploit or manipulate me. I want to avoid these "innocent" but manipulative women, and I feel the need to maintain a certain distance even with those I do interact with.
A good woman seems to strike a balance between giving and receiving. However, these "innocent" but manipulative women tend to take advantage of others and maximize their own benefits. A good woman, or a relatively normal person, tries to reciprocate what they receive. However, these women try to maximize what they receive from their husbands and those around them, creating an imbalance. Sometimes, they become unhappy when they don't get what they want. While this can vary depending on the individual, it's a characteristic of these women. They often justify their behavior by saying, "But you said it was good. Didn't you agree?" The fundamental difference is that a good person considers balance, while these women prioritize their own gain, even if it means ignoring balance or agreements. While a good person might agree to something, they also consider whether they are receiving something in return. This is a fundamental value that is lacking in these women. That's the difference between a good person and one of these "innocent" but manipulative women. In essence, they are manipulative. And when they don't get what they want, they might lash out, ignore you, look down on you, treat you as if you're not a "real man," or quickly move on. While the specific actions may vary, their behavior is often one-sided and lacks balance.
Despite all these various and often nonsensical experiences, the fundamental principle is that "life is perfect." Therefore, all of these experiences have been valuable lessons. While I've shared some negative examples, I'm managing to survive by maintaining a certain distance and avoiding those who are potentially dangerous.
It seems that I have always perceived my admiration for seemingly "innocent" women as "love." However, now I realize that it was more of a primal, sexual attraction based on physical appearance.
On the other hand, there are people I've never considered "love," but rather felt "confused" about. I feel sad when they don't reciprocate, and I want to understand them and have them understand me. Perhaps these feelings are actually what is truly meant by "love." If that's the case, my previous perceptions and actions have been fundamentally wrong.
People often say that "love is blind," but there are two types of blind love. The first is a more basic love based on physical attraction and sexual desire. The second is a true love based on a feeling of "not knowing" and a desire for understanding. I was blind to physical appearance and attraction, which is a type of love, but it seems that I was actually drawn to the latter, the "not knowing" feeling. When I reflect on the smiles of these "innocent" but manipulative women, I realize that their smiles weren't because they loved me, but rather because they thought, "This person seems to like me. Great!" It's a type of relationship based on exploitation rather than mutual understanding.
When you fall for this type of "innocent" but manipulative woman, they are usually relatively docile as long as their desires are being met. However, sometimes they become irritated or lash out when they feel like you're not doing enough for them. Or, sometimes, they have other people they're interested in, and they might cheat on you. The people I've been attracted to (or thought I was attracted to) often fit one of these patterns.
When I think about it now, there were people around me who understood these things well, and at some point, they probably tried to advise me, saying something like, "You should think about it more carefully." However, I thought, "That's not true. I'm fine. I like [someone]." But, in reality, I didn't really understand love very deeply. I was mistaking the feeling of being drawn to and liking a "pure" type of girl as love. Honestly, I wonder what I was understanding and doing all this time.
Now that I think about it, even if we call it love, it was just a one-sided admiration, an incomplete love, a distorted love. There wasn't much "mutual understanding" there.
The basic principle of love is to understand the other person, and to develop a relationship based on mutual understanding. That's what it should be, and that's what's obvious. However, I didn't really understand that. Now that I understand that, I realize that the "pure" type of girl I thought I was in love with wasn't really love, while the person I didn't recognize as "someone I like" was actually the one I was in love with. However, since it was a long time ago, I'm not 100% sure, but I probably felt that way. Even when I come to this conclusion, I still sometimes wonder, "Could it be true that I didn't even realize I was in love?" But, I think it's probably true.
Looking back at my memories, I think I was probably in love with people I didn't recognize as "someone I like," such as that girl from T University. At the time, I thought, "I wonder what it is. I don't understand." But now, after so many years, I suddenly realize, "Oh, that's why I liked her." I think I was really unaware of myself and couldn't express or act appropriately. At the time, I was very sad because that girl from T University didn't seem to pay much attention to me. But, at the time, I thought, "I guess we're from different worlds, so she's not paying attention to me," and I was sad because of that. However, it might have been because I was starting to like her, but she didn't seem to pay much attention to me, which made me sad. When I saw her face, and when she looked back at me and our eyes met, a sad feeling and tears suddenly came out, and I couldn't understand what was happening, and I was about to panic, so I desperately tried to suppress it with my consciousness, but I was almost in a panic, and my tears and expression were about to explode, so I desperately covered my face with my hands. But, at the time, I interpreted it as something else, as mentioned above. Now that I think about it, my interpretation at the time was wrong, and I didn't really understand myself. I thought, "I don't really like her," or I tried to convince myself of that, but my body reacted, so my head and body were out of sync, and I was about to panic. What I should have trusted was my body's reaction. So, I think I was probably in love with her. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't have cried or felt like crying just by seeing her face. My understanding of my own feelings was wrong, and because of that wrong understanding, my perception of what I should do was completely wrong.
I should have approached someone who was genuine, someone who could understand me, not a "pure" type of girl. When I think back to my junior high school, high school, or university days, I liked many "pure" type of girls, while at the same time, I was actually in love with someone I didn't consciously recognize as "someone I like." The appearance and makeup don't seem to be that important when it comes to whether or not I actually like someone. It seems that the "pure" type of girls are good at makeup and have good looks, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with them. The appearance is, to some extent, within an acceptable range as long as it's not physically repulsive. At the time, I was often drawn to them because of their appearance, probably influenced by the people around me, but that was the wrong choice. I should have trusted my feelings more. Even when my body showed a "like" reaction, I would reconsider it with my rational mind and say, "No, I don't like her," and prioritize my rationality, resulting in a life where I often approached "pure" type of girls.
I feel a sense of excitement and love towards "pure" type of girls, but that's often a physical attraction. When I truly like someone, it's more intellectual and fundamental.
It was rare for me to develop romantic feelings towards someone, but now that I think about it, it might have just been excessive self-awareness. I was quite insensitive, and I sometimes unintentionally caused sadness to girls around me, putting them in the same position. In reality, to have a truly meaningful relationship, it seems that the "sad" reaction often comes too late, and it's ideal to approach each other before that "sad" reaction occurs. Some people might give up as soon as they experience that "sad" reaction.
I've realized that someone I didn't consciously recognize as someone I liked, someone I didn't consciously "like" in my conscious mind, was actually someone I liked (on a deeper, more fundamental, and intellectual level than just physical attraction or sexual feelings), while someone I had previously consciously "liked" wasn't actually that great of a romantic partner. I've belatedly realized that my understanding of my own feelings was incorrect. I thought I "knew" about love from the heart, but I actually didn't.
For example, when I first started working, a friendly girl in a different department probably developed a deep, heartfelt affection for me, but at that time, I only had a more physical and blind kind of love, so we didn't match. She seemed to have some dissatisfaction with me, and I think that dissatisfaction might have stemmed from the fact that she wasn't being loved with a heartfelt connection. My level of love was simply too low. That feeling of incompatibility, I now realize, was the very sadness she sometimes showed, a sadness of not being understood.
* Self: Low love (physical love) vs. Partner: Low love (physical love) → Can be a "slutty" situation (in some cases). There's a high chance of something going wrong. Jealousy, possessiveness.
* Self: Low love (physical love) vs. Partner: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) → Incompatible, or it might work if the partner compromises or understands the self, but the partner will be left with a sadness of not being understood.
* Self: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) vs. Partner: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) → Ideal.
* Self: Heartfelt love (intellectual love) vs. Partner: Low love (physical love) → Incompatible, or it might work if the self compromises or understands the partner, but the self will be left with a sadness of not being understood.
When put in a table, it seems obvious, and I think I've seen similar tables before, but I didn't actually feel it. People often hear these kinds of explanations and, in their heads, understand and say, "Okay, I understand. I'll love with my heart," but they end up feeling like they know something they don't. In reality, they don't know. In the spiritual field, there are many such traps where people "understand" something in their heads and feel like they know, but they actually don't. Sometimes, it's important to "try it out" rather than focusing too much on knowledge. In this case, I thought I understood it, but I actually didn't.
By regaining a teenage-like state of mind, I've not only returned to a past state of mind but also gained new understanding, which has allowed me to finally settle the past, judge what is right and wrong, and discern good people from bad people, and honest people from dishonest people. I feel like I'm starting to overcome my past.
These kinds of things have been resurfacing like a slideshow over the past week. While it's impossible to live in the past forever, I feel like this has been a period of reflection. There are times like that in life.
When these understandings occurred, my heart seemed to open to a higher dimension. My sensitivity to love increased, and for some reason, tears would come out even when there was nothing. I've recently experienced flashbacks related to past romantic relationships, and while I initially thought they were just a nuisance, I now feel like I've reached a significant understanding and state.
Initially, these flashbacks were presented as a fictional story, a kind of "Romeo and Juliet" parody, which was somewhat detached from reality. At first, I didn't understand it, thinking it was just a fictional story and a collection of fragmented memories. However, if these flashbacks were repeatedly occurring to help me understand this, then my guides have been patiently providing educational materials to help me achieve this understanding. With this understanding, when I re-examine the "Romeo and Juliet"-style fictional story, I arrive at a different understanding. What I thought was a mixed-up fictional story might actually reflect reality. Either way, my perspective has changed.
This has given me a clearer understanding of how to approach relationships, including how to interact with people I should love, those I shouldn't, those who have physical attraction towards me, and those who love me with their hearts, as well as the ideal of a perfect match. Thinking about it, I realize that there have only been a few people in my life who could have been potential partners. I'm only now realizing this.
It seems I haven't truly understood what the feeling of unconditional love (Anahata) is like. Even when it appeared, I wasn't ready to accept it. I was misinterpreting what unconditional love is.
I couldn't interpret that feeling as unconditional love. I couldn't consciously define it as a positive and desirable form of love. I've probably felt unconditional love for several people in the past, but none of those relationships worked out. There was a pattern: I couldn't consciously recognize that feeling as unconditional love, so my mind would reject it, creating a disconnect between my mind and my feelings. Even when my mind told me, "I'm not interested in this person," my emotions would react, and when my emotions reacted while my mind was thinking, "This is wrong" or "I'm not interested," the relationship would inevitably fail. This would lead to inexplicable tears, which my conscious mind couldn't understand. My conscious mind would try to rationalize it, creating "plausible explanations" to understand what was happening, but I wasn't truly understanding it. There was a disconnect between reality and my understanding, which created a strange situation. For example, I might think, "Ah, it's clear that I and someone who goes to a prestigious university like T University are living in different worlds," but in reality, it was simply because I was attracted to them on a deeper level. Even though my mind might interpret it as, "I definitely don't like this person," my feelings would tell a different story. I couldn't understand myself. That's why my behavior would be, "I don't really know," while I was thinking, "I don't think she's that pretty, and her face isn't my type," but at the same time, I would feel, "There's something special about her (she's probably from a different world). What is this? I shouldn't like her." But I couldn't understand my emotions.
Even now, in spiritual teachings, it's often said that unconditional love is preferable to physical desire. I would intellectually understand this and think, "Yes, unconditional love is good. That's right," but I thought I understood it just by knowing it intellectually, as if I actually knew what unconditional love was. However, that wasn't the case. I think I've felt unconditional love for several people, but it was only occasionally, and even then, I couldn't understand it as love. So, I would often act distant or ignore people I should have been attracted to. In the beginning of a conversation, I wouldn't consciously interpret what was happening, and I would feel like, "Hmm, this is interesting," but then I would suddenly snap out of it, start thinking with my mind, and carefully observe the person's face, and then I would think, "Hmm, her face isn't my type, and I don't like her." Even though my feelings were telling me something different, my mind would interfere with those feelings, and that's why the relationships didn't work out. I would suddenly feel a sense of emptiness, and it would often be conveyed to the other person, making them feel uncomfortable and leading to the relationship failing. Now that I think about it, it was probably a state of oneness through unconditional love, but at that moment, my unconsciousness should have been prioritized, and my mind shouldn't have interfered with my feelings. I couldn't consciously understand or interpret that state. That's why love and marriage are sometimes described as "a feeling," and I think that's true for unconditional love.
Physical desire or love based on appearance is felt in the lower abdomen (around the Manipura or Swadhisthana chakras). Even love based on the Manipura chakra is a form of love, but it's more of a "possessive and emotional" love. I felt that kind of love towards what I would call "innocent but seductive" types, but at the time, I didn't realize it was Manipura love. In reality, I was misinterpreting it as unconditional love, and I couldn't understand which emotions were unconditional love. I think I was misinterpreting different things as unconditional love because I didn't know what unconditional love was.
In this area, I believe my mother's influence was strong. My mother is possessive and her love is manipulative. I feel like I received a lot of possessive love from my mother, which is a grateful kind of love, but at the same time, it's still a manipulative and possessive love. I don't think I received much of a "heartfelt" love from my mother.
Because of this, I think I developed a certain interpretation of what love is. In the world, love is often associated with the "heart," but what I knew was not a heartfelt love, but rather a feeling based on my own limited understanding. Sometimes, when we try to understand something we're unfamiliar with, we end up just thinking we understand it intellectually. I think that's what happened to me.
In comparison, I think "heartfelt" love is more "intellectual" than manipulative love. Therefore, for those who are accustomed to manipulative or physical love, "heartfelt" love may seem cold or distant, or they may not even be able to interpret it as love.
At the time, when I thought about it calmly and intellectually, I realized, "Wait, I'm not the type of person who likes that. It's not the same feeling of excitement I usually get (especially with the "cute" type of girl who I tend to be possessive of)." I thought, "Hmm... something's different. This isn't love," and I suppressed or deceived my own emotions. But that was a misinterpretation. When there's a mismatch between the mind and emotions, it can lead to an unstable and incomprehensible state, such as sudden bursts of sadness or the urge to cry, even though I couldn't understand what was happening. When the mind and consciousness are separated, the mind can make arbitrary interpretations, which can lead to incorrect actions or the suppression of emotions. These old emotions have been dormant in my depths for a long time, and recently, I've finally come to a "correct" understanding.
Manipulative love involves possessiveness, and that's a form of love in itself. However, "heartfelt" love is more free and less possessive, and it allows for a deeper connection and mutual respect.
Looking back, I had a period of about a week when old emotions resurfaced, creating a temporary state similar to adolescence. The interpretations that appeared in the flashbacks were different from my previous interpretations, so initially, I thought, "Even though the elements are from the past, the interpretation is different, and it's different from reality. It feels like just a textbook or a story I created in my head." But, actually, even that was a misinterpretation, and what was shown in the flashbacks was quite accurate, and my previous interpretations were quite wrong. This means that I didn't understand it at all. At the time, I was confident and thought I understood it, but it turns out I didn't understand anything. (Even now, there may still be various things I don't understand.)
Now that I think about it again, the manipulative love I felt was not necessarily a bad thing, and the love I felt for the "cute" type of girl was a certain kind of manipulative and possessive love. That's a form of love that exists, and it's true that it can lead to a deep connection. The desire to possess or be possessed is a sign of a deep connection and can lead to happiness. It's much better than a distant relationship. Even if it's a possessive love, it's better than being in a situation where you don't know how to love, and it's a proper form of love. I think that's the kind of love I felt for the "cute" type of girl. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, and there are people who express love in that way, which can lead to a happy situation for both parties. I myself thought that kind of love was happiness for a long time, so even if there were difficult times, it was still a form of happiness.
However, there are different types of relationships where one person is a "heartfelt" or even a more "noble" being, while the other person only knows manipulative and possessive love. In such cases, it seems like the person with the "heartfelt" love might feel confused. I remember a time when I was interested in a woman and approached her, but she seemed confused and rejected me (indirectly) because she didn't know how to react. This was probably because my love was manipulative and possessive, while she had a "heartfelt" love, so our feelings didn't match, and she was confused. When people are at a similar level, there's a chance of connection, but in this case, the woman's level of consciousness was too high, and she probably didn't have much in common with me. From her perspective, it probably felt like, "I don't understand. This is impossible." That kind of thing can happen.
I used to be in a stage of possessive and manipulative love, and while I occasionally experienced heart-centered love, I often struggled to embrace it. I believe I was in a transitional period, moving from manipulative and possessive love to heart-centered love. Because of this, I often clung to the ways of loving I had become accustomed to, and I didn't fully understand the concept of heart-centered love. Consequently, my actions were inconsistent, and I wasn't able to truly embody heart-centered love. There were many people in my life who deserved my love, but I didn't realize it.
Looking back on my life, I now understand heart-centered love, and I can identify who I should have loved and cherished, and who I should not have. I was often drawn to what I now recognize as "pure" types, but I should have been drawn to genuine and sincere people. There were many opportunities to connect with such people, but I missed them. I feel terrible for the way I treated those kind people when I was younger. I want to apologize to the many good people I overlooked.
In heart-centered love, it's painful when love isn't reciprocated. Especially when the other person is not yet at the heart-centered stage, and their love is still at the manipulative stage, it's painful because you can't connect on a heart-centered level. I sometimes think that I should have tried to connect with those kind people, but in reality, I wasn't at a stage where I could truly offer them the love they deserved. I wasn't ready. They were at the heart-centered stage, while I was often in a transitional phase, oscillating between manipulative love and occasionally reaching a heart-centered state. I think they were saddened by my inability to connect with them on a heart-centered level. The relationship often failed because we were at different stages.
With this understanding, my heart has opened slightly, and I'm becoming more aware of the sensitive parts of myself. I can feel my heart exploring the world with curiosity. I'm also noticing that my aura is expanding further towards the crown chakra (Sahasrara), and while it's not fully open, it feels more stable. This new understanding of love has brought about these changes. As a result, I'm constantly reminded of the things I've done wrong in the past. This is about my younger years, and it's purely about the heart, not physical relationships. It's about the regret I feel for dismissing the feelings of girls and causing them pain. I often ignored the genuine feelings of innocent girls, and many of them were truly good people who deserved to be cherished.
However, I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so it would have been nice if the women had been more direct about their feelings. But, of course, it's not easy for women to express their feelings so openly. That's just the way it is. I believe that kind people often hesitate to express their feelings, and it's important for men to be aware of those feelings.
In essence, what I'm saying is that "I didn't know heart-centered love." I may have occasionally experienced it, but it wasn't a constant state. I'm gradually deepening my understanding by constantly re-evaluating my perceptions.
This newfound understanding will fundamentally change my behavior and way of thinking. It's a bit late, but it's better than remaining unaware for the rest of my life. I want to live my life with this new awareness.
Now that I see the world through this new lens, I realize that truly good people are everywhere, and they are living lives filled with love. These people are often not concerned with spiritual concepts, but they still possess love. On the other hand, people who are overly focused on spirituality or who have become arrogant often lack love. It seems that there are fewer truly spiritual people who have reached the fundamental and essential understanding of love. Spiritual people tend to focus on "information" and "knowledge," but I believe that people who prioritize a normal life and strive to live with love are more truly spiritual. Of course, the ideal is to have both.
Spiritual people, I believe, strive to reach a state of loving-kindness through learning and acquiring knowledge. If one is still in the process of understanding loving-kindness, then even if they gain knowledge and feel accomplished, it is likely an illusion because they lack the understanding of loving-kindness. However, knowledge and learning can guide people towards love, so they are not entirely useless. Nevertheless, there are spiritual people who, despite not having attained loving-kindness, become arrogant and believe they have reached a certain level. In reality, "truly good" people often live more loving-kind lives. I've always thought that spirituality is often geared towards those who are "not yet enlightened." Those who are truly enlightened don't need practices or spirituality.
I used to be satisfied with the "bliss" and "fulfillment" I experienced through meditation, but now that I have a glimpse of this "love" in the heart, I realize that those personal feelings of bliss and fulfillment were just a stepping stone.
With this new understanding and the organization of this fundamental and essential concept of love, my perspective on people has changed, and I feel that I need to change my own approach.
First, by understanding loving-kindness, one can understand the people around them. As often said, one can only understand people who are at a lower spiritual level, and it is natural that if one does not have loving-kindness, they cannot know if others have it.
To distinguish between a "clean-cut bitch" and a "truly good woman," one must first understand love. This is a very simple matter. There are different forms of love, including "possessive love" (manipulative love), which is not necessarily bad, and even if it is, it is still a form of love. Possessive love, even with its difficulties, is a very strong love. Many people have not yet reached that level, so possessive love is still a wonderful love.
On the other hand, by first understanding the love of the heart (Anahata), one can move beyond possessive love (manipulative love) and be able to distinguish and find truly good women.
Living in a state of love is almost the same as living telepathically. Love enables telepathy, which is oneness and self-identity.
Now, I am returning to a state I haven't experienced since elementary school, regaining my telepathic abilities. While I only had sensations before, now I have understanding along with those sensations. By understanding loving-kindness, I can now identify truly good women to some extent, and my life has become more fulfilling again.
I have often talked about yoga and meditation, mentioning things like "stillness" and "bliss," but the ultimate destination is always the universal loving-kindness. And this is something that many people naturally practice in their daily lives. I simply didn't know or had forgotten this ordinary thing. Because I had forgotten it, I thought it was something extraordinary, but it turns out that ordinary love is what should be known. When I recall it, it's similar to the feelings I had when I was a child. I had forgotten that feeling for a long time.
When I realized that the feeling of ordinary love, with an open heart and rich emotions, was exactly what yoga and spirituality are talking about, I realized how lacking my understanding had been and how I had been lacking in the feeling of ordinary love. And I clearly recognized that what I had thought were different things before were actually the same.
By doing yoga and spirituality and reaching various states like "stillness," I had the illusion that I had grown and become a superior person. In reality, there are many people who live loving-kind lives and practice love in the real world, even in the face of daily hardships, without doing yoga or spirituality. Compared to them, I was just a child who had grown a little bit through yoga and spirituality and felt good about it. One of the reasons why some people feel that spirituality or religion is unpleasant or hypocritical is that there are people who talk about love without actually attaining this ordinary love.
It seems that until I reached this understanding of love in the heart, I didn't truly know what love was. I feel like I had forgotten it. The expression "to know love" is sometimes used, but this is a metaphorical expression, not a literal meaning of intellectually memorizing and studying something. It's a metaphorical way of expressing that one has reached the state of love. Love is not something that can be studied and "known" in that sense, but if one reaches the state of love, one can gain an "understanding" of that state, so it's not wrong to metaphorically express that understanding as "knowing." The expression "to know love" can be quite misleading, as it can be misinterpreted as intellectual understanding, which is not entirely appropriate, but even so, if one understands the metaphorical meaning, there is no misunderstanding, and I feel that my understanding of love has deepened compared to before. In that way, by first reaching the state of love in the heart, I came to understand that the understanding of the state of love that is often talked about in the world is indeed correct.
I feel like I have taken the first step towards "living with love." This is all thanks to the many women who loved me (and who were sad and shed tears for me), and the few women who I was able to love. And I think that this is not only about loving the opposite sex, but also about a universal love towards all people, and it is also a return to one's original, true self.
Love in the heart is the foundation of a person, and I think everyone has it. As we live in society, it becomes clouded, our perception becomes distorted, and we eventually forget what love in the heart is, but if we continue to seek love in the heart, we will eventually return to that state.
Afterword.
Afterword.Love and irritation.
Looking back, I thought a certain female classmate in university had a harsh personality. However, it seems she was frustrated because I, while having some feelings for her, didn't show enough interest. At the time, I thought she wasn't a very kind person and kept a distance. Now, I realize that this wasn't due to her personality, but rather that she was in love with me, but I only had a slight "interest" in her, which frustrated her and caused her to act a bit harsh.
It's similar with a cheerful girl in high school who had a somewhat harsh personality. I mostly ignored her and treated her as just a friend, which sometimes made her explode. Also, there was another girl in high school with whom I became somewhat close, but it remained a normal friendship. In that case, she would sometimes show a slightly sad, tearful expression, which I didn't understand at the time. It turns out she was sad because her love was unrequited. I didn't understand the feelings of girls at the time, and I didn't know what it was like for a girl to be in love. I was truly oblivious.
There was also a senior in college who I found attractive. She didn't show much sadness, but rather smiled kindly at my affection. At the time, we only had brief conversations. I think she was happy that I had a crush on her, but she was also a little sad that things weren't progressing. This is a pattern where one person is in love, and the other person is accepting it, but not reciprocating. While it's ideal for both people to love each other wholeheartedly, it seems that if at least one person can love the other, the relationship can work out, as long as the other person is willing to accept it. Of course, the person who accepts it must be aware of it and make that choice.
It seems that many people around me, both myself and others, had a condition that both people had to love each other wholeheartedly. Many people would approach someone only if they knew the other person loved them back, and would withdraw if they sensed that the other person didn't reciprocate. It's difficult to achieve that kind of mutual love, so I now think that if at least one person loves someone, the other person can accept it and the relationship can work out. Of course, this is based on the person having a sincere personality. If a sincere person loves someone, and that sincere person accepts that love, the relationship is likely to work out. I think there are many such relationships in the world. In fact, I think this pattern is much more common than mutual love. It's a happy situation for both people. The difficulty lies in someone with a closed heart being able to love someone, especially for men, who are less likely to have open hearts. So, even if only one person has a loving heart, it might be enough.
Based on this understanding, I can now imagine the feelings of the women around me. There were women who ignored me, and I think that's because they didn't know much about love. Truly good people don't think badly of someone who shows affection towards them, and if they know what love is, they will notice the other person's affection and won't treat them badly. On the other hand, people who don't know what love is often ignore the affection of others. This understanding is based on my past actions, so it may vary from person to person. However, nowadays, there are so many strange people that, especially when you're young, it might be better to intentionally ignore someone, even if they seem nice.
I used to tend to avoid women with harsh personalities and prefer kind people. However, the women who truly loved me often had a harsh personality, especially in my presence, even though they were generally kind. I didn't understand this at the time, and I misinterpreted their behavior as a sign of a harsh personality. As a result, I was often drawn to "cute bitches" who seemed kind on the surface but were actually harsh, and I failed repeatedly. These "cute bitches" actually have a harsh personality, but they hide it and are superficially kind to everyone, including me. The people who truly care about me are the ones who face me directly, think carefully, and sometimes say harsh things. The girls who engage in superficial conversations and give generic compliments to make me feel good don't truly love me. However, at the time, I only saw the surface, so I was attracted to these "cute bitches" and failed repeatedly.
I remember that there were many people who genuinely liked me, so perhaps I should have simply accepted their love. I think I could have lived a happy life just by accepting love, even if I didn't fall in love myself. In reality, I rarely initiated romantic relationships, and as I mentioned earlier, I didn't really understand what love was. I was mostly drawn to "cute bitches" (which wasn't love), and I just had a vague feeling of liking them. There were times when I thought I might be in love, but most of those times were misunderstandings. So, if I think about it now, I think I've only truly been in love a few times.
Generally, when I saw someone who seemed irritated with me, I always thought they were "a bit of a mean person." However, sometimes, the truth was that they were irritated because they liked me so much. I recently realized that's what love is like. These girls wouldn't smile at me, and if I made eye contact, they would quickly look away. I didn't really care about that, so I just ignored it. But now, I think they were looking at me and wondering "what is this person," and when I looked back and made eye contact, they were probably saying "pfft." On the other hand, when I was in a similar situation myself, I often didn't understand my own behavior. At the time, I would get upset and think, "Why am I such a mean person? Why am I so irritated?" I would see myself saying "pfft" after making eye contact, and I wouldn't understand why I was doing that. For example, when the girl at T University didn't give me much attention, I would sometimes act like that, and my voice would gradually get louder, sometimes startling her. When she would look at me with big, innocent eyes and say, "What's wrong?" I would feel a combination of self-loathing for what I had done, sadness that I might have been misunderstood, and sadness that I wasn't getting enough attention. Of course, I knew that if I said "pfft," she wouldn't pay attention to me. Also, she was being hesitant, so I thought, "I'm done! I'm out!" But maybe I should have been more patient. Thinking about this, I think many other girls who liked me sometimes took a slightly harsh attitude towards me because of similar situations. In those cases, I think many of those girls were unconsciously acting in a certain way without consciously realizing that they liked me. Until I re-examined and understood it this time, I didn't realize the reasons why I was acting in a certain way. In fact, there are times when I've realized, "Wait, I think I liked that girl more than I thought. Maybe that's why I was so irritated." It's quite common for people, both men and women, to not realize their own feelings. Also, even if you feel like you might be in love, you often can't understand it with your head, and you end up getting confused and panicking, and then you deny it by saying "it's impossible." It's often the case that you should prioritize your feelings over your logic. If your heart isn't organized and stable, you're more likely to fail in love and self-destruct. When your actions, feelings, and words don't match, it's natural for the other person to not know how to deal with you. In situations where I was confused, like when the classmate who recommended "Adachi Tsumi" to me in high school was confused when I tried to get close to her, and her actions and words were incomprehensible, making it difficult to progress. Conversely, I was confused with the girl at T University, and my actions and words became incomprehensible, which led to failure. When I put myself in that position, I realized that when you might be in love, your mind goes blank, your logic circuits don't work properly, your words become incomprehensible, and you can't understand the other person's words (which are already difficult to interpret), and you only focus on their face and presence. In that state, your words and actions become meaningless. Then, the other person feels like, "What is this person?" People with a lot of dating experience might think, "Ah, she's probably in love with me," but young people don't understand the situation and just ignore it.
Now, if I think back, the first thing to do is to determine whether you like the other person. If you like the other person or there is a possibility that you will like them, then regardless of whether the other person is hesitant or not, you should just invite them. There is no need to wait until you are both in love. If one person is willing, and if the other person is a good person and seems to be receptive, then it is probably okay to invite them. It is quite natural for the other person to be hesitant at first, so reacting with a "pfft" is too hasty. It is better to calmly and gradually deepen the relationship.
Even if I realize this now, it was many years ago, and I haven't been in contact with that person since then. They probably look different now, and we might have already drifted apart to the point where we wouldn't even recognize each other. So, for now, it is just a memory. Generally, these kinds of memories are just memories, and there is no reason to think that something will happen now. It is not normal to think that something will happen. If something strange happens after being out of contact for decades, it is more likely to be due to a higher-level intervention. Normally, nothing happens unless there is an intervention. Therefore, it is a matter that is not affected by what you think.
It's similar with a cheerful girl in high school who had a somewhat harsh personality. I mostly ignored her and treated her as just a friend, which sometimes made her explode. Also, there was another girl in high school with whom I became somewhat close, but it remained a normal friendship. In that case, she would sometimes show a slightly sad, tearful expression, which I didn't understand at the time. It turns out she was sad because her love was unrequited. I didn't understand the feelings of girls at the time, and I didn't know what it was like for a girl to be in love. I was truly oblivious.
There was also a senior in college who I found attractive. She didn't show much sadness, but rather smiled kindly at my affection. At the time, we only had brief conversations. I think she was happy that I had a crush on her, but she was also a little sad that things weren't progressing. This is a pattern where one person is in love, and the other person is accepting it, but not reciprocating. While it's ideal for both people to love each other wholeheartedly, it seems that if at least one person can love the other, the relationship can work out, as long as the other person is willing to accept it. Of course, the person who accepts it must be aware of it and make that choice.
It seems that many people around me, both myself and others, had a condition that both people had to love each other wholeheartedly. Many people would approach someone only if they knew the other person loved them back, and would withdraw if they sensed that the other person didn't reciprocate. It's difficult to achieve that kind of mutual love, so I now think that if at least one person loves someone, the other person can accept it and the relationship can work out. Of course, this is based on the person having a sincere personality. If a sincere person loves someone, and that sincere person accepts that love, the relationship is likely to work out. I think there are many such relationships in the world. In fact, I think this pattern is much more common than mutual love. It's a happy situation for both people. The difficulty lies in someone with a closed heart being able to love someone, especially for men, who are less likely to have open hearts. So, even if only one person has a loving heart, it might be enough.
Based on this understanding, I can now imagine the feelings of the women around me. There were women who ignored me, and I think that's because they didn't know much about love. Truly good people don't think badly of someone who shows affection towards them, and if they know what love is, they will notice the other person's affection and won't treat them badly. On the other hand, people who don't know what love is often ignore the affection of others. This understanding is based on my past actions, so it may vary from person to person. However, nowadays, there are so many strange people that, especially when you're young, it might be better to intentionally ignore someone, even if they seem nice.
I used to tend to avoid women with harsh personalities and prefer kind people. However, the women who truly loved me often had a harsh personality, especially in my presence, even though they were generally kind. I didn't understand this at the time, and I misinterpreted their behavior as a sign of a harsh personality. As a result, I was often drawn to "cute bitches" who seemed kind on the surface but were actually harsh, and I failed repeatedly. These "cute bitches" actually have a harsh personality, but they hide it and are superficially kind to everyone, including me. The people who truly care about me are the ones who face me directly, think carefully, and sometimes say harsh things. The girls who engage in superficial conversations and give generic compliments to make me feel good don't truly love me. However, at the time, I only saw the surface, so I was attracted to these "cute bitches" and failed repeatedly.
I remember that there were many people who genuinely liked me, so perhaps I should have simply accepted their love. I think I could have lived a happy life just by accepting love, even if I didn't fall in love myself. In reality, I rarely initiated romantic relationships, and as I mentioned earlier, I didn't really understand what love was. I was mostly drawn to "cute bitches" (which wasn't love), and I just had a vague feeling of liking them. There were times when I thought I might be in love, but most of those times were misunderstandings. So, if I think about it now, I think I've only truly been in love a few times.
Generally, when I saw someone who seemed irritated with me, I always thought they were "a bit of a mean person." However, sometimes, the truth was that they were irritated because they liked me so much. I recently realized that's what love is like. These girls wouldn't smile at me, and if I made eye contact, they would quickly look away. I didn't really care about that, so I just ignored it. But now, I think they were looking at me and wondering "what is this person," and when I looked back and made eye contact, they were probably saying "pfft." On the other hand, when I was in a similar situation myself, I often didn't understand my own behavior. At the time, I would get upset and think, "Why am I such a mean person? Why am I so irritated?" I would see myself saying "pfft" after making eye contact, and I wouldn't understand why I was doing that. For example, when the girl at T University didn't give me much attention, I would sometimes act like that, and my voice would gradually get louder, sometimes startling her. When she would look at me with big, innocent eyes and say, "What's wrong?" I would feel a combination of self-loathing for what I had done, sadness that I might have been misunderstood, and sadness that I wasn't getting enough attention. Of course, I knew that if I said "pfft," she wouldn't pay attention to me. Also, she was being hesitant, so I thought, "I'm done! I'm out!" But maybe I should have been more patient. Thinking about this, I think many other girls who liked me sometimes took a slightly harsh attitude towards me because of similar situations. In those cases, I think many of those girls were unconsciously acting in a certain way without consciously realizing that they liked me. Until I re-examined and understood it this time, I didn't realize the reasons why I was acting in a certain way. In fact, there are times when I've realized, "Wait, I think I liked that girl more than I thought. Maybe that's why I was so irritated." It's quite common for people, both men and women, to not realize their own feelings. Also, even if you feel like you might be in love, you often can't understand it with your head, and you end up getting confused and panicking, and then you deny it by saying "it's impossible." It's often the case that you should prioritize your feelings over your logic. If your heart isn't organized and stable, you're more likely to fail in love and self-destruct. When your actions, feelings, and words don't match, it's natural for the other person to not know how to deal with you. In situations where I was confused, like when the classmate who recommended "Adachi Tsumi" to me in high school was confused when I tried to get close to her, and her actions and words were incomprehensible, making it difficult to progress. Conversely, I was confused with the girl at T University, and my actions and words became incomprehensible, which led to failure. When I put myself in that position, I realized that when you might be in love, your mind goes blank, your logic circuits don't work properly, your words become incomprehensible, and you can't understand the other person's words (which are already difficult to interpret), and you only focus on their face and presence. In that state, your words and actions become meaningless. Then, the other person feels like, "What is this person?" People with a lot of dating experience might think, "Ah, she's probably in love with me," but young people don't understand the situation and just ignore it.
Now, if I think back, the first thing to do is to determine whether you like the other person. If you like the other person or there is a possibility that you will like them, then regardless of whether the other person is hesitant or not, you should just invite them. There is no need to wait until you are both in love. If one person is willing, and if the other person is a good person and seems to be receptive, then it is probably okay to invite them. It is quite natural for the other person to be hesitant at first, so reacting with a "pfft" is too hasty. It is better to calmly and gradually deepen the relationship.
Even if I realize this now, it was many years ago, and I haven't been in contact with that person since then. They probably look different now, and we might have already drifted apart to the point where we wouldn't even recognize each other. So, for now, it is just a memory. Generally, these kinds of memories are just memories, and there is no reason to think that something will happen now. It is not normal to think that something will happen. If something strange happens after being out of contact for decades, it is more likely to be due to a higher-level intervention. Normally, nothing happens unless there is an intervention. Therefore, it is a matter that is not affected by what you think.
Love and gaze.
Actually, whether it was when I was in elementary school or now, I am very happy and enjoying my life just by living normally, and I walk around with a smile, and when I suddenly look at the scenery and see someone "by chance" there, I don't actually notice them or see them as part of the scenery, but sometimes that person mistakenly thinks, "Is she looking at me? Is she smiling at me? Does she like me?" This often caused me trouble, especially in elementary and junior high school. Many children are overly self-conscious.
In reality, I don't have a clear focus, I don't see things well, and I'm just living happily while looking at the scenery with a smile, but sometimes a girl gets excited and thinks, "Oh, she likes me!" I don't notice it for a while, and then I suddenly notice that she is looking at me with a heart mark, and I think, "Who is that?" It turns out that she is not really in love with me, but she is smiling back because I looked at her first. In this way, I unintentionally give the impression that I am interested in someone, which sometimes leads to me being treated like I am having an affair.
When a girl looks at me like that, sometimes a stranger who seems to be in love with her from afar stares at me with jealousy. No, this is not about being overly self-conscious, but it is actually happening.
And, if I don't understand and ignore the girl, she starts to get annoyed, and from her perspective, it seems that she is not really in love with me, but rather that my gaze is the cause, and she often thinks that I have changed my mind. No, I don't understand. The girl gets excited on her own, gets hurt on her own, and gets annoyed on her own. I don't understand, but I'm sorry. I am not particularly close to such a girl, so I am troubled, and I am harassed, resented, and glared at by a boy who is jealous and angry at seeing such a situation.
If I happen to look at a girl, she thinks, "Does she like me?" And if I look at a boy, he thinks, "What is this guy, is he a homo?" I was in a situation like that. They say, "A man's shame is not to refuse a prepared meal," but some people spread rumors that I am a homo because I am seen as being proactive with a girl who seems to be in love with me.
Now that I think about it, those rumors and imaginations are probably caused by my gaze or by jealousy. No, what kind of behavior are they expecting from me when I was in elementary school? Elementary school students can't do anything, right? Those who spread rumors and have such imaginations may be too imaginative.
Also, I didn't notice it at the time, but some of the people who spread rumors were actually men who were interested in me, and I didn't know anything about the world of BL, but those kinds of expressions, such as "Do you like the same sex? Are you a homo?" are apparently a trigger for events in BL, and there may have been times when they were trying to subtly invite me into the world of BL, but I am basically oblivious, so I didn't notice and just ignored it, and I didn't notice the pure feelings of a boy, and I just thought, "What are you talking about?" Sometimes, a male classmate looked sad, which I didn't understand at the time, but maybe it was BL. I'm sorry that I couldn't notice it.
I was insensitive to the pure feelings of a girl, and I was also completely unaware of the pure feelings of a boy, and I think I was sorry for that at the time. I am just living a happy and enjoyable life with a smile.
Recently, I remembered the love I felt when I was in elementary school, and just like when I was in elementary school, I am happy with anything or nothing, and I smile at all beings and spaces, whether I look at the scenery or not, and whether my focus is clear or not. When I smile like that without any particular reason, I often find that even people I talk to in everyday life, even at this age, misunderstand me as they did when I was young. I am just living with a smile, but sometimes I am misunderstood, and I am troubled by how to make my expression. I may need to be careful not to make anyone jealous or angry like before, but I don't think it's that much of a concern at this age, so I'm just being careful. For example, the other day, when I went hiking, a woman of the same age who talked to me was a little shy, and of course, there was nothing more than that, but I think that pure feelings exist at any age.
In reality, I don't have a clear focus, I don't see things well, and I'm just living happily while looking at the scenery with a smile, but sometimes a girl gets excited and thinks, "Oh, she likes me!" I don't notice it for a while, and then I suddenly notice that she is looking at me with a heart mark, and I think, "Who is that?" It turns out that she is not really in love with me, but she is smiling back because I looked at her first. In this way, I unintentionally give the impression that I am interested in someone, which sometimes leads to me being treated like I am having an affair.
When a girl looks at me like that, sometimes a stranger who seems to be in love with her from afar stares at me with jealousy. No, this is not about being overly self-conscious, but it is actually happening.
And, if I don't understand and ignore the girl, she starts to get annoyed, and from her perspective, it seems that she is not really in love with me, but rather that my gaze is the cause, and she often thinks that I have changed my mind. No, I don't understand. The girl gets excited on her own, gets hurt on her own, and gets annoyed on her own. I don't understand, but I'm sorry. I am not particularly close to such a girl, so I am troubled, and I am harassed, resented, and glared at by a boy who is jealous and angry at seeing such a situation.
If I happen to look at a girl, she thinks, "Does she like me?" And if I look at a boy, he thinks, "What is this guy, is he a homo?" I was in a situation like that. They say, "A man's shame is not to refuse a prepared meal," but some people spread rumors that I am a homo because I am seen as being proactive with a girl who seems to be in love with me.
Now that I think about it, those rumors and imaginations are probably caused by my gaze or by jealousy. No, what kind of behavior are they expecting from me when I was in elementary school? Elementary school students can't do anything, right? Those who spread rumors and have such imaginations may be too imaginative.
Also, I didn't notice it at the time, but some of the people who spread rumors were actually men who were interested in me, and I didn't know anything about the world of BL, but those kinds of expressions, such as "Do you like the same sex? Are you a homo?" are apparently a trigger for events in BL, and there may have been times when they were trying to subtly invite me into the world of BL, but I am basically oblivious, so I didn't notice and just ignored it, and I didn't notice the pure feelings of a boy, and I just thought, "What are you talking about?" Sometimes, a male classmate looked sad, which I didn't understand at the time, but maybe it was BL. I'm sorry that I couldn't notice it.
I was insensitive to the pure feelings of a girl, and I was also completely unaware of the pure feelings of a boy, and I think I was sorry for that at the time. I am just living a happy and enjoyable life with a smile.
Recently, I remembered the love I felt when I was in elementary school, and just like when I was in elementary school, I am happy with anything or nothing, and I smile at all beings and spaces, whether I look at the scenery or not, and whether my focus is clear or not. When I smile like that without any particular reason, I often find that even people I talk to in everyday life, even at this age, misunderstand me as they did when I was young. I am just living with a smile, but sometimes I am misunderstood, and I am troubled by how to make my expression. I may need to be careful not to make anyone jealous or angry like before, but I don't think it's that much of a concern at this age, so I'm just being careful. For example, the other day, when I went hiking, a woman of the same age who talked to me was a little shy, and of course, there was nothing more than that, but I think that pure feelings exist at any age.
Difficulties experienced during elementary, junior high, and high school.
I remember when I was in the third or fourth grade, my teacher made a child with intellectual disabilities sit next to me for months, maybe even half a year. This child was constantly emotionally unstable, mumbling incoherently and talking nonsense to those around them. It was exhausting to sit next to them. I tried to ignore it, but I think my aura was being drained for months. As the child's aura was absorbed, they became more energetic and well-behaved, while I started to experience emotional instability. From this experience, I believe that children with intellectual disabilities and emotional instability should be separated from regular students. Otherwise, their emotional states might merge or be exchanged, leading to the intellectually disabled child becoming more normal, while the regular child becomes emotionally unstable. This is based on my personal experience, so I believe it is correct. While the teacher was happy that the child with intellectual disabilities seemed to be doing better, I felt it was a nuisance. I think I carried that emotional instability with me for many years. If it happened now, I would ask the teacher to change my seat. The teacher might think it's rude, but the child is the one who is being affected, so for the sake of protecting the child, children with intellectual disabilities and emotional instability should be separated. I remember there used to be a separate special education classroom, but for some reason, the child with intellectual disabilities was in the same classroom. The teacher may have been trying different things, but I was the one who suffered. This experience of becoming emotionally unstable in elementary school weakened my mental defenses, and I think it made me more vulnerable to bullying from others.
On the other hand, I lived with my father until I entered high school, even though I knew his behavior was bad. My older brother was also terrible, and I was constantly laughed at by both my father and brother. This eroded my self-esteem, and I felt angry and resentful whenever I saw them. They would then laugh at me even more, seeing my angry face, creating a vicious cycle. Because my father and brother were so unreasonable that I couldn't get through to them, I eventually stopped telling them the truth. Instead, I would give them superficial answers that were just common knowledge, and my father would proudly quote things he heard on TV, as if he were a high school dropout. I couldn't say anything to my father without him mocking me, yelling at me, or even hitting me, so I could only say things that would make him feel good. In reality, I didn't consciously choose to respond that way, but it happened naturally. When I tried to explain things clearly, my father would either not understand and become upset, or he would laugh and say, "What are you talking about?" I couldn't understand how he could laugh at me for not being able to understand something he himself didn't understand. However, as I spent time with these family members who I couldn't communicate with, my way of interacting with them gradually and unconsciously changed to only saying things that they could understand and respond to. It's a basic principle of communication to "express yourself in a way that the other person can understand," but by only saying simple things that my father could understand, he became even more convinced that I was stupid. As a result, he would lecture me on things like "⚪︎⚪︎," which were shallow ideas that a high school dropout would think, and I could only respond with "yes." This made him even more convinced that I was a stupid person with shallow thoughts. However, if I said anything, my father would yell at me, "Shut up!" So, I ended up either staying silent or only talking about trivial things. At first, it was good because it helped me avoid emotional abuse, but in reality, other families had deeper conversations with their parents. Because I didn't have those deep conversations with my parents during middle and high school, and I was constantly laughed at by my father and brother, I had a communication gap compared to my peers. It wasn't until I entered college that I finally started to develop normal communication skills, so I felt like I was behind.
When I was young, I was often hit, and I didn't pay much attention to it. However, I think it was when I was in junior high school, when my mother was talking to the mother of a classmate, I couldn't wait and became emotionally unstable. I told my mother, "Let's go," and pulled her clothes, but my mother became hysterical and said, "What! You're talking! Don't pull! This child!" She kept hitting my head until I stopped moving and became obedient. When my mother hit my head many times, I became mentally exhausted, my head felt numb, and I became conscious. I stood still and "collapsed," staring blankly to the side. At that time, the mother of my classmate, who was talking to my mother, opened her eyes wide and stared at me, seeming very surprised. She seemed to radiate a sense of surprise, and she leaned forward slightly, peering at my face, which was lower than her child's. I think she kept staring at my face until I moved away. At that time, I was hit as a matter of course, so I didn't understand why the mother of my classmate was looking at me with concern. I didn't understand how serious it was at the time.
After that, the mother of my classmate continued to observe me with a worried expression every time she saw me. I often thought, "Ah, the mothers in normal families are like that. They seem normal and kind. I want to be the child of that mother." Because of this, rumors spread among my classmates that "she is pitiful," and this was quite famous among the parents of my classmates at the time. My mother would not give me food if I didn't obey her, and she would kick me out of the house. She would get angry and hit me, and although she didn't hit me that often, I often didn't get to eat, so I lost my energy and the will to resist. However, one day, my mother heard the rumor that I was being called "pitiful" among the mothers of my classmates, and after that, I was no longer hit from junior high school onwards. For some reason, whether it was a change of heart or something else, she started interpreting it as "you're not getting enough food," and she would say, "You should eat a lot because people are saying you're pitiful." As a result, the amount of food I was given increased, and I became very overweight and my body became heavy from eating as I was told. I think I might have diabetes, and my head felt numb and my consciousness became blurred. I was often made to drink a lot of sugary drinks and vegetable juices that were high in sugar, supposedly for my health, which caused me to have too much sugar, making my head even more numb and making it difficult to move. I was put in a cycle of being made to eat a lot, always being in a state where my stomach wouldn't feel full unless I ate a lot, and then, if my mother got angry, I would suddenly be "denied food." Because of this, I would become extremely hungry and unable to move, and then I would become unable to resist my mother. Although I became bigger and the rumors among the mothers of my classmates stopped, my mother's hysteria and irritability became even worse. Since she couldn't relieve her frustration by hitting me, it seemed to shift to hysteria and irritability, which became even worse. In that sense, it might have been better if she had hit me. The hysteria was overwhelmingly powerful, making it impossible to resist. I became unable to speak, and I became "trained" to the point where I couldn't move without my mother's permission, and I couldn't do anything if my mother said no. Although I seemed like a "quiet child" on the surface, I had already had a mental breakdown at that time.
My consciousness was blurred and my head ached. Even if I tried not to think, my head was full of random thoughts. I was verbally abused, physically hit on the head, and I was also in a state of not being able to think due to hunger and excessive sugar intake. I think I was in a state of headache, blurred consciousness, and a lot of random thoughts. It's amazing that I survived with all of that. There were times when I couldn't bring myself to go to school, so I concentrated on one leg and took one step, and then took another step with the other leg. By repeating this a little, I could somehow walk and go to school. I had already started refusing to go to school when I was in kindergarten, but when I was in elementary and junior high school, I was at home with my mother, so it was better to be at home than at school. However, as my mother gradually became more irritable in the morning, she would command me to "go to school" and kick me out. I couldn't resist, so I had to leave the house, and even though I could barely move, I couldn't go back home, so I had to somehow move my legs one by one and go to school. In such a situation, I didn't have enough energy to even think about dating. In such a situation, only slightly unusual girls, or girls who would tease me, were the ones who would come close to me or become friends with me. But now that I think about it, that wasn't a normal, healthy relationship.
My mother would act with "intense resentment" towards me, restricting my actions and insisting that I was acting of my own free will. She would constantly express her resentment in a nagging tone, standing in front of me until I complied. For example, during a class visit, when she saw me tutoring a classmate, she would make disgusted faces and gestures from a distance. When I returned home, she would become extremely upset and yell at me, saying, "What are you doing, teaching someone else? You're supposed to be helping others, but what are you thinking? Stop teaching others!" She would repeatedly and hysterically berate me for helping a friend, even though I should have been praised. Being near my unhappy mother, who constantly nagged and complained about the same thing, telling me to "stop teaching," made my head feel fuzzy and my consciousness fade. I started eating mostly high-calorie foods, which led to excessive sugar intake, making me feel weak and unable to taste normal foods. This resulted in diabetes, increased drowsiness, and a strong, irresistible drowsiness that would hit me during the day. This drowsiness and mental fog made it difficult for me to think, and my mother would repeatedly and hysterically say the same things, leaving me with a blurred consciousness. I could only respond with "yes" each time. Even after that, she continued to nag me, repeatedly telling me to "stop teaching" and "stop helping."
The next day, after being scolded and repeatedly berated by my mother for "not teaching," I went to school. When a classmate came to me with a question, my mind replayed the scene of my mother hysterically telling me not to teach, and my head felt fuzzy, my consciousness was the same as the day before, and I was mentally exhausted. I was so mentally exhausted that I was half-conscious, and I ignored my friend, following my mother's instructions. As a result, my friend felt ignored and became upset with me. This friend held a grudge against me for years, glaring at me. My behavior was bad, but it was unfair to my friend, who had been patiently teaching me, only to be rejected once. After that, my friend started ignoring me. It's amazing how some people can hold a grudge against someone who has been helping them, even when they are the ones who should be grateful. Now that I think about it, people with limited education tend to express their thoughts directly, without much reflection. If they were more thoughtful, they might wonder "why," but without such reflection, they simply "hate those who don't teach them," which is a very simplistic way of thinking.
The moral teaching is "help others," but my mother's teaching was "don't help anyone." My mother, despite coming from a good family, seemed to be a self-centered, emotionally abusive, and borderline personality disorder woman. The truth is, my friend's question was during class, so I was somewhat bothered by it. However, now that I think about it, I should have explained the situation to my friend and told her not to ask questions during class. Instead, I was overwhelmed by my mother's hysteria, my head was fuzzy, and I was unable to speak or act, so I simply followed her instructions. By that time, I had already reached a point where "nothing I said would make a difference" to my mother or father. Whenever I tried to talk to them, they would look down on me and laugh, or they would ignore me. My father would either laugh at me, look down on me, or yell at me, "Shut up!" So, I had no desire to talk, and I was already mentally exhausted and had become apathetic towards life. I thought, "I don't care anymore," and I was acting coldly towards my friend, just as my mother wanted.
This is a real example of how a mother's resentment and hysteria can restrict a child. In reality, teaching is much more beneficial than simply listening, as it allows for output and dramatically improves understanding. However, my mother only had a high school education, so she couldn't study much beyond that. She seemed to have a sense of pride and thought she was intelligent, but she was unable to go to college because she was a woman, and she was expected to help with the family business. As a result, she had a complex about studying, and she didn't know about efficient study methods or what a truly intelligent person looks like. Therefore, my actions were constrained by my mother's idea of what a "good" child should be. Even then, I thought, "Teaching someone else helps me learn," but I was not allowed to contradict her. Whenever I said something like that, I would be met with a condescending attitude and hysterical responses, so it was impossible for me to express my opinion to my mother. I would obediently say "yes" and even give the appearance of agreeing with my mother, which made her feel confident and strengthened her belief that "she was right." She was unaware that I was secretly thinking, "What is this woman talking about?" and she was strengthening her own confidence based on that false perception. I was truly suffering from a mother who was unintelligent and unable to study. However, she was very passionate about flower arranging and had obtained certain qualifications. Perhaps she had a specific talent in that area, but I think she might have been generally unintelligent. She was the type of person who would teach her own opinions without listening to others and believe that those opinions were 100% correct.
In those circumstances, during high school, I was made to feel like a failure for no specific reason, leading to a life filled with insecurity. However, upon entering university, this attitude from those around me completely disappeared. I began to think, "Am I actually normal? My father and brother seem to be the ones who are strange." Nevertheless, the ingrained beliefs from my past were difficult to shake. Whenever I encountered someone more accomplished, the old feelings of inferiority would resurface, and I would feel down for no apparent reason, causing me to struggle in many aspects of life.
Whenever I shared these feelings with someone, they would often say, "It's wrong to speak badly about your family. You're the one who's wrong." It seemed as though I was being blamed, even though I believed my father and brother were the ones acting abnormally. I was a victim of emotional abuse from my family, and when I tried to report the perpetrators' families, I was told that "speaking badly about your family is wrong." I felt helpless.
During these times, I was constantly berated and mocked by my father and brother, making me feel as if there was something wrong with me. This persistent emotional abuse from my family cast a dark shadow on my subsequent life. Even when they occasionally saw me, my father and brother would widen their eyes, open their mouths, raise their noses, and look down at me with a condescending smile. The mere sight of them made me feel uncomfortable, but I often suppressed my feelings and forced myself to smile, pretending to be happy, as if I couldn't resist their influence.
With my mother, I generally had a good relationship, but occasionally, she would become very upset and say, "This child!" She would then become hysterical, wave her arms, and repeatedly slap my head from above, shaking her hands and forcefully bringing them down.
When I was in school, there was a popular segment on TV featuring interviews with mothers during the college entrance exam season, where they would say, "Even the child next to you is a rival." My mother adopted this mentality and viewed her classmates as rivals. However, the fact that she couldn't see through this statement indicated that she lacked common sense. This was only applicable to highly competitive departments in prestigious universities, where even classmates aiming for the same department might be on the borderline of passing. Even in those cases, some students would pass and others would fail. It was even rarer for two students from the same school to both be on the borderline for the same department. Therefore, it was pointless to even consider such a scenario. However, my mother, who lacked basic knowledge of statistics and probability, would insist on her beliefs and demand that I not help others. She was, in a sense, a problematic person.
In reality, it would have been beneficial for her to learn from others. Having people around who want to be taught is a privilege, and learning by teaching others deepens one's understanding and allows for gratitude and progress. However, my mother insisted that her child not help others, which led to isolation and a loss of opportunities to learn and grow. Such children often experience increased stress, difficulty concentrating, and a higher chance of failing the entrance exam. In essence, being born to unintelligent parents leads to hardship. This is a self-evident truth that can be confirmed without even using statistics. By considering the number of applicants for a desired university and the probability of classmates applying to the same department, it becomes clear that the aspirations of classmates are irrelevant. It's rare for classmates to even apply to the same university and department. Moreover, it's almost impossible for students with similar grades to both pass or fail. Therefore, it would be more beneficial to memorize more English vocabulary than to worry about classmates. My mother, who was so fixated on this irrelevant issue and hysterically demanded that I not help others, was truly problematic. However, whenever I tried to explain, she would dismiss me and refuse to listen, as if she were looking down on me. This is because people with fundamentally poor intelligence are unwilling to listen to anything, no matter what you say. I realized that it was pointless to talk to her, as she would only become more hysterical and refuse to understand.
Despite this, I believed that I was intelligent, which made the situation even more frustrating. Eventually, I started making statements that my mother wanted to hear, deliberately making them sound unintelligent to please her. This was likely an unconscious defense mechanism. Whenever I offered an opinion, she would often choose the answer she preferred and say, "See, you're right, just like your mother said," making her feel confident and happy. I lived through my high school years in this pattern. While it may have seemed like a harmonious family from the outside, I realized that many things were amiss when I moved to the city and lived on my own, gaining a different perspective. I could only realize these things myself, but if my parents had been more intelligent, I wouldn't have had to struggle so much. It's a fundamental truth that dealing with unintelligent people leads to hardship. However, it's also true that there are people in the world who are more intelligent than me, and I may have inadvertently caused problems for others in the past. While it's true that communication is difficult with people who are significantly less intelligent, I would like to associate with people who are more intelligent than me, within reasonable limits.
I look for a certain level of intelligence in my partner. If I'm with someone who isn't very bright, I waste my time. And if a woman is as hysterical as my mother, I'll likely block her and cut ties. That's because such a hysterical person casts a shadow over my life. This is true not only as a life lesson but also because I don't want to deal with people who are hysterical or clingy, and who try to manipulate others with their resentment.
In fact, I grew up in a similar environment, so until my 20s, I sometimes made snap judgments about people, which is something I should reflect on. I may have been presumptuous, and I think there were times when people around me made similar judgments about me. Perhaps being subjected to this repeatedly by people like my mother (people with authority) helped me to reflect on myself. Even so, my 20s were tough.
Looking back, I was hit on the head repeatedly by my mother, and in addition, I was bullied by my classmates from kindergarten, and in elementary school, I was persistently harassed and laughed at in a vulgar way, and my head was hit repeatedly and continuously for a long time. Even when I tried to retaliate, the bullies were strong, doing karate, or had Power because they were active in the mountains, so I couldn't beat them. For example, when a classmate got angry, they would throw fast punches from karate. Because I couldn't win in a fight, I tried to counter with words, but a classmate told me that I had bad language, which made me upset, and it became even harder to retaliate. As a result, I was hit on the head by a classmate who would get angry easily, and I probably developed bipolar disorder. It's considered a mental illness, but it's actually a disorder of brain function, and I think my brain was damaged by being hit on the head. That's what I think is reasonable now. It's hard to think of it simply as a mental illness because many things don't quite add up. In addition to the bipolar disorder, I think there were situations that further damaged my mental state. If it's a brain disorder, it can be cured by restoring brain function, so I've been trying to restore brain function through meditation, focusing on my forehead to release the blockage, and reactivating various functions of the brain. This makes sense because it would restore brain function and cure the disorder. I've long thought of it as a mental problem, but in reality, it's more reasonable to think that it's a functional disorder caused by being hit on the head repeatedly. When I think about it that way, the classmates (multiple) who repeatedly hit my head are deeply sinful and deserve to go to hell. Since I stopped being hit on the head, I've gradually recovered, but when I try to concentrate and use my brain, I get headaches, and when I enter a state of focus, trauma appears, and I feel like I'm going to lose consciousness, or I suddenly fall into a trance and lose consciousness and say something incomprehensible. This may be due to spiritual possession, but basically, it's more reasonable to think that it's due to a brain disorder. In my case, it seems that spiritual phenomena such as out-of-body experiences and a simple brain disorder were combined. My mother would hit my head to make me obedient, but then she would suddenly switch to a cat-stroking voice and say, "This child will earn money (and give it to my mother) in the future, so we must take good care of her," which is a mentally unstable and money-driven motivation. In addition, she had some affection for me, so my feelings were mixed with affection and abuse, and I didn't distinguish between affection and abuse very much when I was young. I didn't know any other mothers, so I thought that's just how mothers are, but when I moved to Tokyo and met other people, I realized that my mother was clearly strange. She did give me love, so it's a wash, and the abuse she inflicted on me cancels out the love. My mother had a good upbringing, so she was struggling in an unfamiliar poor environment, so there's some sympathy for her, but there's no sympathy for the abuse from classmates and older students. The classmates and bullies in the neighborhood were like people with the souls of beasts, human-shaped beasts. It's useless to say anything to such beasts. It may seem like I'm saying terrible things, but when I swam in the river or sea, they would secretly approach me, pull my legs towards the bottom, and try to drown me repeatedly for years, without any reflection, always laughing in a vulgar way, mocking, intimidating, and silencing me with intimidation. Such people are clearly beast-like, human-shaped beasts. There were many people who had no human heart and punched people's faces. Now that I think about it, I experienced a terrible environment in a zoo full of beasts and learned that there are people in this world who are at the bottom and have a savage nature. However, looking back, it was better than the era of post-war chaos and poverty, and compared to the post-war period, the late Showa period, even though there were many beast-like people, was generally prosperous, and it can be said that it was relatively happy.
On the other hand, I lived with my father until I entered high school, even though I knew his behavior was bad. My older brother was also terrible, and I was constantly laughed at by both my father and brother. This eroded my self-esteem, and I felt angry and resentful whenever I saw them. They would then laugh at me even more, seeing my angry face, creating a vicious cycle. Because my father and brother were so unreasonable that I couldn't get through to them, I eventually stopped telling them the truth. Instead, I would give them superficial answers that were just common knowledge, and my father would proudly quote things he heard on TV, as if he were a high school dropout. I couldn't say anything to my father without him mocking me, yelling at me, or even hitting me, so I could only say things that would make him feel good. In reality, I didn't consciously choose to respond that way, but it happened naturally. When I tried to explain things clearly, my father would either not understand and become upset, or he would laugh and say, "What are you talking about?" I couldn't understand how he could laugh at me for not being able to understand something he himself didn't understand. However, as I spent time with these family members who I couldn't communicate with, my way of interacting with them gradually and unconsciously changed to only saying things that they could understand and respond to. It's a basic principle of communication to "express yourself in a way that the other person can understand," but by only saying simple things that my father could understand, he became even more convinced that I was stupid. As a result, he would lecture me on things like "⚪︎⚪︎," which were shallow ideas that a high school dropout would think, and I could only respond with "yes." This made him even more convinced that I was a stupid person with shallow thoughts. However, if I said anything, my father would yell at me, "Shut up!" So, I ended up either staying silent or only talking about trivial things. At first, it was good because it helped me avoid emotional abuse, but in reality, other families had deeper conversations with their parents. Because I didn't have those deep conversations with my parents during middle and high school, and I was constantly laughed at by my father and brother, I had a communication gap compared to my peers. It wasn't until I entered college that I finally started to develop normal communication skills, so I felt like I was behind.
When I was young, I was often hit, and I didn't pay much attention to it. However, I think it was when I was in junior high school, when my mother was talking to the mother of a classmate, I couldn't wait and became emotionally unstable. I told my mother, "Let's go," and pulled her clothes, but my mother became hysterical and said, "What! You're talking! Don't pull! This child!" She kept hitting my head until I stopped moving and became obedient. When my mother hit my head many times, I became mentally exhausted, my head felt numb, and I became conscious. I stood still and "collapsed," staring blankly to the side. At that time, the mother of my classmate, who was talking to my mother, opened her eyes wide and stared at me, seeming very surprised. She seemed to radiate a sense of surprise, and she leaned forward slightly, peering at my face, which was lower than her child's. I think she kept staring at my face until I moved away. At that time, I was hit as a matter of course, so I didn't understand why the mother of my classmate was looking at me with concern. I didn't understand how serious it was at the time.
After that, the mother of my classmate continued to observe me with a worried expression every time she saw me. I often thought, "Ah, the mothers in normal families are like that. They seem normal and kind. I want to be the child of that mother." Because of this, rumors spread among my classmates that "she is pitiful," and this was quite famous among the parents of my classmates at the time. My mother would not give me food if I didn't obey her, and she would kick me out of the house. She would get angry and hit me, and although she didn't hit me that often, I often didn't get to eat, so I lost my energy and the will to resist. However, one day, my mother heard the rumor that I was being called "pitiful" among the mothers of my classmates, and after that, I was no longer hit from junior high school onwards. For some reason, whether it was a change of heart or something else, she started interpreting it as "you're not getting enough food," and she would say, "You should eat a lot because people are saying you're pitiful." As a result, the amount of food I was given increased, and I became very overweight and my body became heavy from eating as I was told. I think I might have diabetes, and my head felt numb and my consciousness became blurred. I was often made to drink a lot of sugary drinks and vegetable juices that were high in sugar, supposedly for my health, which caused me to have too much sugar, making my head even more numb and making it difficult to move. I was put in a cycle of being made to eat a lot, always being in a state where my stomach wouldn't feel full unless I ate a lot, and then, if my mother got angry, I would suddenly be "denied food." Because of this, I would become extremely hungry and unable to move, and then I would become unable to resist my mother. Although I became bigger and the rumors among the mothers of my classmates stopped, my mother's hysteria and irritability became even worse. Since she couldn't relieve her frustration by hitting me, it seemed to shift to hysteria and irritability, which became even worse. In that sense, it might have been better if she had hit me. The hysteria was overwhelmingly powerful, making it impossible to resist. I became unable to speak, and I became "trained" to the point where I couldn't move without my mother's permission, and I couldn't do anything if my mother said no. Although I seemed like a "quiet child" on the surface, I had already had a mental breakdown at that time.
My consciousness was blurred and my head ached. Even if I tried not to think, my head was full of random thoughts. I was verbally abused, physically hit on the head, and I was also in a state of not being able to think due to hunger and excessive sugar intake. I think I was in a state of headache, blurred consciousness, and a lot of random thoughts. It's amazing that I survived with all of that. There were times when I couldn't bring myself to go to school, so I concentrated on one leg and took one step, and then took another step with the other leg. By repeating this a little, I could somehow walk and go to school. I had already started refusing to go to school when I was in kindergarten, but when I was in elementary and junior high school, I was at home with my mother, so it was better to be at home than at school. However, as my mother gradually became more irritable in the morning, she would command me to "go to school" and kick me out. I couldn't resist, so I had to leave the house, and even though I could barely move, I couldn't go back home, so I had to somehow move my legs one by one and go to school. In such a situation, I didn't have enough energy to even think about dating. In such a situation, only slightly unusual girls, or girls who would tease me, were the ones who would come close to me or become friends with me. But now that I think about it, that wasn't a normal, healthy relationship.
My mother would act with "intense resentment" towards me, restricting my actions and insisting that I was acting of my own free will. She would constantly express her resentment in a nagging tone, standing in front of me until I complied. For example, during a class visit, when she saw me tutoring a classmate, she would make disgusted faces and gestures from a distance. When I returned home, she would become extremely upset and yell at me, saying, "What are you doing, teaching someone else? You're supposed to be helping others, but what are you thinking? Stop teaching others!" She would repeatedly and hysterically berate me for helping a friend, even though I should have been praised. Being near my unhappy mother, who constantly nagged and complained about the same thing, telling me to "stop teaching," made my head feel fuzzy and my consciousness fade. I started eating mostly high-calorie foods, which led to excessive sugar intake, making me feel weak and unable to taste normal foods. This resulted in diabetes, increased drowsiness, and a strong, irresistible drowsiness that would hit me during the day. This drowsiness and mental fog made it difficult for me to think, and my mother would repeatedly and hysterically say the same things, leaving me with a blurred consciousness. I could only respond with "yes" each time. Even after that, she continued to nag me, repeatedly telling me to "stop teaching" and "stop helping."
The next day, after being scolded and repeatedly berated by my mother for "not teaching," I went to school. When a classmate came to me with a question, my mind replayed the scene of my mother hysterically telling me not to teach, and my head felt fuzzy, my consciousness was the same as the day before, and I was mentally exhausted. I was so mentally exhausted that I was half-conscious, and I ignored my friend, following my mother's instructions. As a result, my friend felt ignored and became upset with me. This friend held a grudge against me for years, glaring at me. My behavior was bad, but it was unfair to my friend, who had been patiently teaching me, only to be rejected once. After that, my friend started ignoring me. It's amazing how some people can hold a grudge against someone who has been helping them, even when they are the ones who should be grateful. Now that I think about it, people with limited education tend to express their thoughts directly, without much reflection. If they were more thoughtful, they might wonder "why," but without such reflection, they simply "hate those who don't teach them," which is a very simplistic way of thinking.
The moral teaching is "help others," but my mother's teaching was "don't help anyone." My mother, despite coming from a good family, seemed to be a self-centered, emotionally abusive, and borderline personality disorder woman. The truth is, my friend's question was during class, so I was somewhat bothered by it. However, now that I think about it, I should have explained the situation to my friend and told her not to ask questions during class. Instead, I was overwhelmed by my mother's hysteria, my head was fuzzy, and I was unable to speak or act, so I simply followed her instructions. By that time, I had already reached a point where "nothing I said would make a difference" to my mother or father. Whenever I tried to talk to them, they would look down on me and laugh, or they would ignore me. My father would either laugh at me, look down on me, or yell at me, "Shut up!" So, I had no desire to talk, and I was already mentally exhausted and had become apathetic towards life. I thought, "I don't care anymore," and I was acting coldly towards my friend, just as my mother wanted.
This is a real example of how a mother's resentment and hysteria can restrict a child. In reality, teaching is much more beneficial than simply listening, as it allows for output and dramatically improves understanding. However, my mother only had a high school education, so she couldn't study much beyond that. She seemed to have a sense of pride and thought she was intelligent, but she was unable to go to college because she was a woman, and she was expected to help with the family business. As a result, she had a complex about studying, and she didn't know about efficient study methods or what a truly intelligent person looks like. Therefore, my actions were constrained by my mother's idea of what a "good" child should be. Even then, I thought, "Teaching someone else helps me learn," but I was not allowed to contradict her. Whenever I said something like that, I would be met with a condescending attitude and hysterical responses, so it was impossible for me to express my opinion to my mother. I would obediently say "yes" and even give the appearance of agreeing with my mother, which made her feel confident and strengthened her belief that "she was right." She was unaware that I was secretly thinking, "What is this woman talking about?" and she was strengthening her own confidence based on that false perception. I was truly suffering from a mother who was unintelligent and unable to study. However, she was very passionate about flower arranging and had obtained certain qualifications. Perhaps she had a specific talent in that area, but I think she might have been generally unintelligent. She was the type of person who would teach her own opinions without listening to others and believe that those opinions were 100% correct.
In those circumstances, during high school, I was made to feel like a failure for no specific reason, leading to a life filled with insecurity. However, upon entering university, this attitude from those around me completely disappeared. I began to think, "Am I actually normal? My father and brother seem to be the ones who are strange." Nevertheless, the ingrained beliefs from my past were difficult to shake. Whenever I encountered someone more accomplished, the old feelings of inferiority would resurface, and I would feel down for no apparent reason, causing me to struggle in many aspects of life.
Whenever I shared these feelings with someone, they would often say, "It's wrong to speak badly about your family. You're the one who's wrong." It seemed as though I was being blamed, even though I believed my father and brother were the ones acting abnormally. I was a victim of emotional abuse from my family, and when I tried to report the perpetrators' families, I was told that "speaking badly about your family is wrong." I felt helpless.
During these times, I was constantly berated and mocked by my father and brother, making me feel as if there was something wrong with me. This persistent emotional abuse from my family cast a dark shadow on my subsequent life. Even when they occasionally saw me, my father and brother would widen their eyes, open their mouths, raise their noses, and look down at me with a condescending smile. The mere sight of them made me feel uncomfortable, but I often suppressed my feelings and forced myself to smile, pretending to be happy, as if I couldn't resist their influence.
With my mother, I generally had a good relationship, but occasionally, she would become very upset and say, "This child!" She would then become hysterical, wave her arms, and repeatedly slap my head from above, shaking her hands and forcefully bringing them down.
When I was in school, there was a popular segment on TV featuring interviews with mothers during the college entrance exam season, where they would say, "Even the child next to you is a rival." My mother adopted this mentality and viewed her classmates as rivals. However, the fact that she couldn't see through this statement indicated that she lacked common sense. This was only applicable to highly competitive departments in prestigious universities, where even classmates aiming for the same department might be on the borderline of passing. Even in those cases, some students would pass and others would fail. It was even rarer for two students from the same school to both be on the borderline for the same department. Therefore, it was pointless to even consider such a scenario. However, my mother, who lacked basic knowledge of statistics and probability, would insist on her beliefs and demand that I not help others. She was, in a sense, a problematic person.
In reality, it would have been beneficial for her to learn from others. Having people around who want to be taught is a privilege, and learning by teaching others deepens one's understanding and allows for gratitude and progress. However, my mother insisted that her child not help others, which led to isolation and a loss of opportunities to learn and grow. Such children often experience increased stress, difficulty concentrating, and a higher chance of failing the entrance exam. In essence, being born to unintelligent parents leads to hardship. This is a self-evident truth that can be confirmed without even using statistics. By considering the number of applicants for a desired university and the probability of classmates applying to the same department, it becomes clear that the aspirations of classmates are irrelevant. It's rare for classmates to even apply to the same university and department. Moreover, it's almost impossible for students with similar grades to both pass or fail. Therefore, it would be more beneficial to memorize more English vocabulary than to worry about classmates. My mother, who was so fixated on this irrelevant issue and hysterically demanded that I not help others, was truly problematic. However, whenever I tried to explain, she would dismiss me and refuse to listen, as if she were looking down on me. This is because people with fundamentally poor intelligence are unwilling to listen to anything, no matter what you say. I realized that it was pointless to talk to her, as she would only become more hysterical and refuse to understand.
Despite this, I believed that I was intelligent, which made the situation even more frustrating. Eventually, I started making statements that my mother wanted to hear, deliberately making them sound unintelligent to please her. This was likely an unconscious defense mechanism. Whenever I offered an opinion, she would often choose the answer she preferred and say, "See, you're right, just like your mother said," making her feel confident and happy. I lived through my high school years in this pattern. While it may have seemed like a harmonious family from the outside, I realized that many things were amiss when I moved to the city and lived on my own, gaining a different perspective. I could only realize these things myself, but if my parents had been more intelligent, I wouldn't have had to struggle so much. It's a fundamental truth that dealing with unintelligent people leads to hardship. However, it's also true that there are people in the world who are more intelligent than me, and I may have inadvertently caused problems for others in the past. While it's true that communication is difficult with people who are significantly less intelligent, I would like to associate with people who are more intelligent than me, within reasonable limits.
I look for a certain level of intelligence in my partner. If I'm with someone who isn't very bright, I waste my time. And if a woman is as hysterical as my mother, I'll likely block her and cut ties. That's because such a hysterical person casts a shadow over my life. This is true not only as a life lesson but also because I don't want to deal with people who are hysterical or clingy, and who try to manipulate others with their resentment.
In fact, I grew up in a similar environment, so until my 20s, I sometimes made snap judgments about people, which is something I should reflect on. I may have been presumptuous, and I think there were times when people around me made similar judgments about me. Perhaps being subjected to this repeatedly by people like my mother (people with authority) helped me to reflect on myself. Even so, my 20s were tough.
Looking back, I was hit on the head repeatedly by my mother, and in addition, I was bullied by my classmates from kindergarten, and in elementary school, I was persistently harassed and laughed at in a vulgar way, and my head was hit repeatedly and continuously for a long time. Even when I tried to retaliate, the bullies were strong, doing karate, or had Power because they were active in the mountains, so I couldn't beat them. For example, when a classmate got angry, they would throw fast punches from karate. Because I couldn't win in a fight, I tried to counter with words, but a classmate told me that I had bad language, which made me upset, and it became even harder to retaliate. As a result, I was hit on the head by a classmate who would get angry easily, and I probably developed bipolar disorder. It's considered a mental illness, but it's actually a disorder of brain function, and I think my brain was damaged by being hit on the head. That's what I think is reasonable now. It's hard to think of it simply as a mental illness because many things don't quite add up. In addition to the bipolar disorder, I think there were situations that further damaged my mental state. If it's a brain disorder, it can be cured by restoring brain function, so I've been trying to restore brain function through meditation, focusing on my forehead to release the blockage, and reactivating various functions of the brain. This makes sense because it would restore brain function and cure the disorder. I've long thought of it as a mental problem, but in reality, it's more reasonable to think that it's a functional disorder caused by being hit on the head repeatedly. When I think about it that way, the classmates (multiple) who repeatedly hit my head are deeply sinful and deserve to go to hell. Since I stopped being hit on the head, I've gradually recovered, but when I try to concentrate and use my brain, I get headaches, and when I enter a state of focus, trauma appears, and I feel like I'm going to lose consciousness, or I suddenly fall into a trance and lose consciousness and say something incomprehensible. This may be due to spiritual possession, but basically, it's more reasonable to think that it's due to a brain disorder. In my case, it seems that spiritual phenomena such as out-of-body experiences and a simple brain disorder were combined. My mother would hit my head to make me obedient, but then she would suddenly switch to a cat-stroking voice and say, "This child will earn money (and give it to my mother) in the future, so we must take good care of her," which is a mentally unstable and money-driven motivation. In addition, she had some affection for me, so my feelings were mixed with affection and abuse, and I didn't distinguish between affection and abuse very much when I was young. I didn't know any other mothers, so I thought that's just how mothers are, but when I moved to Tokyo and met other people, I realized that my mother was clearly strange. She did give me love, so it's a wash, and the abuse she inflicted on me cancels out the love. My mother had a good upbringing, so she was struggling in an unfamiliar poor environment, so there's some sympathy for her, but there's no sympathy for the abuse from classmates and older students. The classmates and bullies in the neighborhood were like people with the souls of beasts, human-shaped beasts. It's useless to say anything to such beasts. It may seem like I'm saying terrible things, but when I swam in the river or sea, they would secretly approach me, pull my legs towards the bottom, and try to drown me repeatedly for years, without any reflection, always laughing in a vulgar way, mocking, intimidating, and silencing me with intimidation. Such people are clearly beast-like, human-shaped beasts. There were many people who had no human heart and punched people's faces. Now that I think about it, I experienced a terrible environment in a zoo full of beasts and learned that there are people in this world who are at the bottom and have a savage nature. However, looking back, it was better than the era of post-war chaos and poverty, and compared to the post-war period, the late Showa period, even though there were many beast-like people, was generally prosperous, and it can be said that it was relatively happy.
A story about a couple who are relatives on my mother's side of the family, and they were strange.
Relatives were quite amusing in retrospect, and my uncle used to tell my family, "Your family is strange," but I, at the time, took that seriously and believed, "My uncle's family is normal, and my family is strange." However, when I moved to Tokyo and saw things objectively, I realized that my relatives seemed normal on the surface, but their family was actually quite strange. I think that when you're in a narrow environment, you don't realize that you yourself are strange. My mother had various complaints about her brother (my mother's younger brother), and they had a strained relationship. I thought my mother was a normal person at the time, but after moving to Tokyo, I became more objective and realized that my mother was also a strange person. My mother disliked my father's family and repeatedly complained, "My aunt and uncle on my father's side are secretive," which made her resentful. However, from my perspective, my mother was also secretive, and they were both like that. From my perspective, all of my mother's siblings were somewhat strange, and all of my father's siblings were also somewhat strange. My older brother was also quite strange and looked down on me (for no reason). I wonder why I was raised surrounded by such strange relatives and family members. I am fascinated by the "strangeness" of their arrangement.
There were farms in the neighborhood with families of bullies, and all of them were unpleasant people with bad personalities who harassed me and my mother. It seems that it is possible to place such strange people in various places, whether it is family or relatives, to the extent that there is no escape. If there were just a few such people, it would be a coincidence, but it is more natural to think that it is due to the explicit intervention of a higher power that such strange people can be placed in key positions so perfectly that there is no escape. I spent my childhood and adolescence surrounded by such strange people, and my mental state deteriorated.
That uncle used to say, "Bring your girlfriend to me. I'll evaluate her face and body. I'll check her facial features, eyes, mouth, etc., in detail, and I'll send you a sign of OK or NG. Don't bring me a woman with a crooked nose!" He would say such extremely misogynistic things and make gestures like covering his nose with his hand, which is very rude, lacking in morals, and poor. My aunt, who was a beauty in the local area, would smile and listen to my uncle's words, which was very strange. However, at the time, I thought that my relatives were normal because they were so confident and proud. So, for a long time, I thought, "Maybe that's just how it is," but after moving to Tokyo, I realized that my relatives were quite strange. I didn't understand the situation, and I tried it out at a blind date, which resulted in a painful experience. At the time, I was told those things repeatedly by my relatives, so when I interacted with women at blind dates after moving to Tokyo, I didn't understand the situation at first, and I just followed their instructions and stared at them from head to toe, saying "X points," which made the women very strange and disliked me. At that time, I realized that it was rude, but in reality, I couldn't even understand the meaning of the women's "strange expressions," and at first, I just thought, "I don't understand," but later, I realized, "Ah, they were probably disliked because I stared at them." When you live in the countryside and in a closed relationship, you don't even realize that something is strange. Some people might think, "That's obvious. You should look at the person so they don't notice," but I didn't know. I had more contact with strange and unusual people than with normal people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited interactions with normal people, especially women, so I thought, "That's just how it is," and I stared at them without thinking, and of course, they disliked me. It is also possible that I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and normal interactions. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal in that countryside, and they are not accepted in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be accepted if you live in the countryside. In that sense, perhaps because I lived in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and it seems that the distance is closer from the beginning in the countryside, but I later learned that you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at the beginning, in order to build a closer relationship in the city. At first, I thought, "The women in the city are distant." This was a turning point in my life, and whether I would simply apply the values of the countryside and think, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city, or whether I would think, "I should not have done that," or "Ah, I should have done it so they wouldn't notice," would change my subsequent actions. When I was in high school, there were fewer people, and most of them were familiar faces, so I actually went close to them and stared at their faces and bodies from head to toe, and the girls would say, "Oh, is this guy interested in me?" and the conversation would start. (Of course, it depends on the person), but perhaps they interpreted my staring as interest because the psychological distance was already close. There is a psychological barrier from the beginning in the city, which is a step further than in the countryside, so if you stare at them in that state, they will feel "Disgusting! Rude!" I don't know what happens in high school in the city. Or, perhaps my high school days in the countryside or that area were special, or perhaps it was due to the times. Now, it is probably normal for everyone to say that staring is rude, so I thought that my relatives were fundamentally wrong. It took time to break down the mental blocks. In reality, I think it would be very unpleasant to be stared at from head to toe and evaluated by relatives, but... what do you think? After that, this remained a mental block for me, limiting my actions and thoughts. It took a long time to reach a point where I could say that personality is important, that the face should be above average, and that it is okay if there is no physiological discomfort. However, my actions were restricted by the inappropriate remarks that my relatives made to me repeatedly when I was young. Now, I think that my actions were restricted by such trivial and meaningless things.
There were farms in the neighborhood with families of bullies, and all of them were unpleasant people with bad personalities who harassed me and my mother. It seems that it is possible to place such strange people in various places, whether it is family or relatives, to the extent that there is no escape. If there were just a few such people, it would be a coincidence, but it is more natural to think that it is due to the explicit intervention of a higher power that such strange people can be placed in key positions so perfectly that there is no escape. I spent my childhood and adolescence surrounded by such strange people, and my mental state deteriorated.
That uncle used to say, "Bring your girlfriend to me. I'll evaluate her face and body. I'll check her facial features, eyes, mouth, etc., in detail, and I'll send you a sign of OK or NG. Don't bring me a woman with a crooked nose!" He would say such extremely misogynistic things and make gestures like covering his nose with his hand, which is very rude, lacking in morals, and poor. My aunt, who was a beauty in the local area, would smile and listen to my uncle's words, which was very strange. However, at the time, I thought that my relatives were normal because they were so confident and proud. So, for a long time, I thought, "Maybe that's just how it is," but after moving to Tokyo, I realized that my relatives were quite strange. I didn't understand the situation, and I tried it out at a blind date, which resulted in a painful experience. At the time, I was told those things repeatedly by my relatives, so when I interacted with women at blind dates after moving to Tokyo, I didn't understand the situation at first, and I just followed their instructions and stared at them from head to toe, saying "X points," which made the women very strange and disliked me. At that time, I realized that it was rude, but in reality, I couldn't even understand the meaning of the women's "strange expressions," and at first, I just thought, "I don't understand," but later, I realized, "Ah, they were probably disliked because I stared at them." When you live in the countryside and in a closed relationship, you don't even realize that something is strange. Some people might think, "That's obvious. You should look at the person so they don't notice," but I didn't know. I had more contact with strange and unusual people than with normal people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited interactions with normal people, especially women, so I thought, "That's just how it is," and I stared at them without thinking, and of course, they disliked me. It is also possible that I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and normal interactions. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal in that countryside, and they are not accepted in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be accepted if you live in the countryside. In that sense, perhaps because I lived in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and it seems that the distance is closer from the beginning in the countryside, but I later learned that you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at the beginning, in order to build a closer relationship in the city. At first, I thought, "The women in the city are distant." This was a turning point in my life, and whether I would simply apply the values of the countryside and think, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city, or whether I would think, "I should not have done that," or "Ah, I should have done it so they wouldn't notice," would change my subsequent actions. When I was in high school, there were fewer people, and most of them were familiar faces, so I actually went close to them and stared at their faces and bodies from head to toe, and the girls would say, "Oh, is this guy interested in me?" and the conversation would start. (Of course, it depends on the person), but perhaps they interpreted my staring as interest because the psychological distance was already close. There is a psychological barrier from the beginning in the city, which is a step further than in the countryside, so if you stare at them in that state, they will feel "Disgusting! Rude!" I don't know what happens in high school in the city. Or, perhaps my high school days in the countryside or that area were special, or perhaps it was due to the times. Now, it is probably normal for everyone to say that staring is rude, so I thought that my relatives were fundamentally wrong. It took time to break down the mental blocks. In reality, I think it would be very unpleasant to be stared at from head to toe and evaluated by relatives, but... what do you think? After that, this remained a mental block for me, limiting my actions and thoughts. It took a long time to reach a point where I could say that personality is important, that the face should be above average, and that it is okay if there is no physiological discomfort. However, my actions were restricted by the inappropriate remarks that my relatives made to me repeatedly when I was young. Now, I think that my actions were restricted by such trivial and meaningless things.
The relationship between bullying, liberal egalitarianism, and social conformity pressure.
During elementary school breaks, there was a classmate who would sneak up from behind, tap my head repeatedly, and then laugh. I think they were probably imitating popular programs at the time, such as "8-ji da yo zen'in shūgō" or "Tonneruzu." While the program creators might have intended it to be funny, for the classmate who was subjected to the same behavior and laughter, it would result in wasted decades of life. I believe that the people who created programs that justified bullying others are deeply guilty, and I would send them to hell if I were the King of Hell. Their lack of morality is evident. I later learned that mass media like television has the effect of breaking down social class barriers, and Chaplin is a good example. However, customs that were originally practiced by lower classes have become widespread and generalized through the popularity of mass media, just as the bullying that was commonplace among those with low morals has become generalized, leading to social chaos and resulting in many victims like myself. In the past, people from different social classes rarely interacted, so even if bullying was practiced by lower classes, it was considered inappropriate. However, in the homogenized environment of school, where people from different classes shared the same space, this inappropriate bullying became commonplace, and people who would not normally interact with each other were subjected to this kind of bullying.
What I learned from this is that while people often say that everyone is equal, there are actually many people who are like animals, and there are many people who would not think twice about repeatedly hitting someone's head. On the other hand, there are good people, but they are not equal. We can consider equality to exist among people who share the same beliefs and understanding. For example, if there are people who believe that "the strong are right," then equality exists only among those who share that belief. Similarly, if there are people who share a common understanding of "non-violence," then equality exists only among those who share that understanding. Since these groups are independent and have no relationship with each other, there is no question of which is right. Both are correct within their respective groups. Therefore, under the condition that there is agreement, the same applies even to things like violence. If there is mutual agreement (not one-sided) that "the strong are right," then it is equal and there is no problem. However, I do not want to be involved in situations where there is no agreement. Equality cannot exist between people from different groups, such as those who believe that the strong are right and those who believe in non-violence. Therefore, it is better to live without interacting with each other. In the first place, they live in different worlds. While people who believe that strength is justice are free to do as they please, in a small world like a school, multiple worlds coexist, and people can be drawn into the worldview of others, resulting in victims. While it may be beneficial to experience different worlds when you are young, it can become difficult to deal with when it goes too far.
While the phrase "that person is an animal" is very rude, based on my experience as a victim, I can confidently say that there are definitely people who are like animals. People often tend to assume that "everyone is a good person" in the spiritual world, but that is not true for people who are like animals. This is an important point. However, there are also social considerations, so I would not say to someone directly, "You are an animal." In the first place, I say they are animals because we cannot even have a conversation or understand each other. If we can have a conversation, then they are not animals. If we cannot have a conversation, then it is simply a matter of quietly distancing ourselves from bad people and avoiding contact. The Buddhist principle of "do not associate with immoral people" is also true in this case. Since they live in different worlds, we should let them be. It is selfish to think, "I will reform that bad person." Such presumptuous feelings will often be shattered. Since they live in different worlds, we should just leave them alone. This world is tolerant enough to allow such people to live. In the first place, this world is wide and tolerant enough for everyone to live independently. Therefore, everyone should live happily and contentedly in their own world. Therefore, the idea of "equality" is meaningless. However, people with low morals can take advantage of the slogan of "equality" to get close to people who would not normally interact with them, and then bully or exploit them. Ultimately, people with low morals are simply trying to get close to others by saying something appropriate because they are not satisfied with their own lives and are jealous of others. It is important to maintain a posture of not being careless around such low-class, cunning people. Mass media and television are supposed to break down class society and promote equality, but in this day and age, there is no need to take that seriously. Even now, the media is still trying to break down class barriers, but the result is that cunning people are using it as an excuse, causing confusion in society, especially for children. While there are good aspects to this, it seems to have a negative impact on children's lives, causing trauma for decades. While it may be okay for adults, children need to live in a safe environment with people who are morally sound and of the same class. If parents have the financial means, they can send their children to private schools or advanced schools, which tend to have a more homogeneous environment. However, in rural areas, there are often few choices, and the environment tends to be either very good or very bad.
Liberalism advocates the principle of "equality for all," but due to the presence of "animalistic" individuals in society, this is not truly possible. Equality only exists within groups of similar people. Liberalism often cites declarations by U.S. President Lincoln, but these were primarily about equality among Christians, which ultimately promotes equality only within similar groups. Recently, some people have misinterpreted these quotes, simply using them to advocate for universal equality, which complicates the issue. In reality, both liberalism and conservatism are not that different when it comes to the concept of equality within similar groups. They simply use different rhetoric to suit their own purposes and to gain acceptance for their arguments. In reality, both promote equality within similar groups, but the difference lies only in whether they claim to advocate for universal equality or the protection of conservative values. Considering this, the hypocrisy of liberalism becomes apparent. The "equality for all" advocated by liberals is fundamentally flawed in a world where "demonic" individuals exist. Nevertheless, liberals create numerous "exclusionary categories" such as rules, laws, crime, and "outsiders" to exclude a large number of people in order to maintain the facade of "equality for all." At least in the Japanese education system I experienced decades ago, there were no such "exclusionary categories," and everyone was simply placed in the same classroom, which was not truly liberal, but simply an unmanaged situation. If it were truly liberal, it would be somewhat better to be consistent, but since Japan is not truly liberal, such a thing does not happen. Instead, while nominally adopting the banner of liberalism, the field itself often doesn't understand what to do. As time passed, I recently heard that students who misbehave or have mental health issues are quickly isolated and sent to facilities. This seems to be a policy based on the principle of excluding "heretics" according to the basic principles of liberalism. Once isolated and sent to a facility, it becomes difficult to enter university, making it difficult to reintegrate into society. Anyone who does not obediently follow the principles of liberalism is excluded as an "outsider," leading to a loss of diversity in society. For example, there are situations where someone who was simply being bullied and was a victim is sent to a facility after slightly retaliating. In such a situation, there is no hope for schools, and one might feel that they don't want to raise their children in Japan. I am a victim of bullying in schools, so I feel that this situation, which favors the bullies, is hopeless. There was no hope decades ago, but the current situation seems even more hopeless. This is not just a problem of bullying, but also relates to the hypocrisy and conformity pressure of liberalism.
What I learned from this is that while people often say that everyone is equal, there are actually many people who are like animals, and there are many people who would not think twice about repeatedly hitting someone's head. On the other hand, there are good people, but they are not equal. We can consider equality to exist among people who share the same beliefs and understanding. For example, if there are people who believe that "the strong are right," then equality exists only among those who share that belief. Similarly, if there are people who share a common understanding of "non-violence," then equality exists only among those who share that understanding. Since these groups are independent and have no relationship with each other, there is no question of which is right. Both are correct within their respective groups. Therefore, under the condition that there is agreement, the same applies even to things like violence. If there is mutual agreement (not one-sided) that "the strong are right," then it is equal and there is no problem. However, I do not want to be involved in situations where there is no agreement. Equality cannot exist between people from different groups, such as those who believe that the strong are right and those who believe in non-violence. Therefore, it is better to live without interacting with each other. In the first place, they live in different worlds. While people who believe that strength is justice are free to do as they please, in a small world like a school, multiple worlds coexist, and people can be drawn into the worldview of others, resulting in victims. While it may be beneficial to experience different worlds when you are young, it can become difficult to deal with when it goes too far.
While the phrase "that person is an animal" is very rude, based on my experience as a victim, I can confidently say that there are definitely people who are like animals. People often tend to assume that "everyone is a good person" in the spiritual world, but that is not true for people who are like animals. This is an important point. However, there are also social considerations, so I would not say to someone directly, "You are an animal." In the first place, I say they are animals because we cannot even have a conversation or understand each other. If we can have a conversation, then they are not animals. If we cannot have a conversation, then it is simply a matter of quietly distancing ourselves from bad people and avoiding contact. The Buddhist principle of "do not associate with immoral people" is also true in this case. Since they live in different worlds, we should let them be. It is selfish to think, "I will reform that bad person." Such presumptuous feelings will often be shattered. Since they live in different worlds, we should just leave them alone. This world is tolerant enough to allow such people to live. In the first place, this world is wide and tolerant enough for everyone to live independently. Therefore, everyone should live happily and contentedly in their own world. Therefore, the idea of "equality" is meaningless. However, people with low morals can take advantage of the slogan of "equality" to get close to people who would not normally interact with them, and then bully or exploit them. Ultimately, people with low morals are simply trying to get close to others by saying something appropriate because they are not satisfied with their own lives and are jealous of others. It is important to maintain a posture of not being careless around such low-class, cunning people. Mass media and television are supposed to break down class society and promote equality, but in this day and age, there is no need to take that seriously. Even now, the media is still trying to break down class barriers, but the result is that cunning people are using it as an excuse, causing confusion in society, especially for children. While there are good aspects to this, it seems to have a negative impact on children's lives, causing trauma for decades. While it may be okay for adults, children need to live in a safe environment with people who are morally sound and of the same class. If parents have the financial means, they can send their children to private schools or advanced schools, which tend to have a more homogeneous environment. However, in rural areas, there are often few choices, and the environment tends to be either very good or very bad.
Liberalism advocates the principle of "equality for all," but due to the presence of "animalistic" individuals in society, this is not truly possible. Equality only exists within groups of similar people. Liberalism often cites declarations by U.S. President Lincoln, but these were primarily about equality among Christians, which ultimately promotes equality only within similar groups. Recently, some people have misinterpreted these quotes, simply using them to advocate for universal equality, which complicates the issue. In reality, both liberalism and conservatism are not that different when it comes to the concept of equality within similar groups. They simply use different rhetoric to suit their own purposes and to gain acceptance for their arguments. In reality, both promote equality within similar groups, but the difference lies only in whether they claim to advocate for universal equality or the protection of conservative values. Considering this, the hypocrisy of liberalism becomes apparent. The "equality for all" advocated by liberals is fundamentally flawed in a world where "demonic" individuals exist. Nevertheless, liberals create numerous "exclusionary categories" such as rules, laws, crime, and "outsiders" to exclude a large number of people in order to maintain the facade of "equality for all." At least in the Japanese education system I experienced decades ago, there were no such "exclusionary categories," and everyone was simply placed in the same classroom, which was not truly liberal, but simply an unmanaged situation. If it were truly liberal, it would be somewhat better to be consistent, but since Japan is not truly liberal, such a thing does not happen. Instead, while nominally adopting the banner of liberalism, the field itself often doesn't understand what to do. As time passed, I recently heard that students who misbehave or have mental health issues are quickly isolated and sent to facilities. This seems to be a policy based on the principle of excluding "heretics" according to the basic principles of liberalism. Once isolated and sent to a facility, it becomes difficult to enter university, making it difficult to reintegrate into society. Anyone who does not obediently follow the principles of liberalism is excluded as an "outsider," leading to a loss of diversity in society. For example, there are situations where someone who was simply being bullied and was a victim is sent to a facility after slightly retaliating. In such a situation, there is no hope for schools, and one might feel that they don't want to raise their children in Japan. I am a victim of bullying in schools, so I feel that this situation, which favors the bullies, is hopeless. There was no hope decades ago, but the current situation seems even more hopeless. This is not just a problem of bullying, but also relates to the hypocrisy and conformity pressure of liberalism.
The Liberal Party's approach to diversity.
- - Liberalism progresses through the following stages: "diversity (diversity as a preliminary stage to homogenization)" → "(abandoning diversity) homogenization (the ideal is global homogenization)" → "equality among homogeneous people, or, if homogenization is not possible, excluding those who cannot be homogenized to the 'outside of society,' or returning to the beginning and redoing enlightenment."
- Conservatism progresses through the following stages: "diversity" → "division into certain homogeneous groups (or regions)" → "equality within (groups or regions) (ensuring diversity between groups)."
This may not always be the case, and it likely depends on the situation, family, and region. However, generally, I think there is such a tendency.
- - If one adheres to liberal principles, the policy is to exclude anything that is different, treating it as non-existent, under the banner of "all people are equal." This is because it upholds the principle of human equality. While it may appear equal on the surface, it involves excluding those who are different, which is quite cruel. In the United States, it is immediately apparent that there are many people who have been left behind. To me, this seems like hypocrisy on the part of liberals. There is pressure to conform, and those who do not conform are seen as heretics and excluded. In Japan's public education system, the basic principle is to "mix" people who live in different regions, so it seems that this structure is essentially in operation. Recently, I have heard that if a child's mental state deteriorates at school, they are quickly separated and sent to some kind of facility, so I think there are many victims who suffer mental breakdowns due to being placed in the same school as people from different social classes and being subjected to relentless bullying from those of lower status. Depending on the region and school district, children may grow up in an environment like a zoo. Children become confused, are bullied, and sometimes even become the bullies themselves. Liberal parents follow the basic behavior mentioned above, so if their child deviates from the norm and becomes different, they will "disown" them. In other words, liberals are inherently cruel. Children live a stressful life under the pressure to conform, worrying about not being abandoned by their parents, and they end up with a potential problem of feeling "unloved by their parents." The essence of liberalism lies in homogenization, conformity, and the exclusion of those who are different. Of course, liberals would never openly say such things, but their actions reveal that this is the case. When liberals say "divide," they mean "exclude," but in terms of actions and judgment, it seems that this is the case. Because of this principle of "exclusion," there are people who are in the position of "helping those who have been excluded from society," but the act of helping only becomes necessary because of the act of exclusion in the first place. If there were no exclusion, there would be no need for the act of helping. However, there seems to be a strong interdependence between those who exclude and those who help, and I feel a sense of unease when I see people who are "helping" something or other within the liberal movement. The real problem is the "structure that generates exclusion" called liberalism, but instead of addressing that, people are busy dealing with the symptoms and becoming exhausted. Or, some people become aware of this structure through their involvement and become disillusioned with the hypocrisy of liberalism, and quit their activities. I saw this happen quite often in NGOs and NPOs when I was young.
- If one adheres to conservative principles, the policy is to divide people into homogeneous groups or classes and to ensure equality within those groups. This may seem discriminatory (from a liberal perspective), but each group or class is treated appropriately and managed at a similar mental level within the group. This is a happy situation for those within the group. People who are different can move to other groups. While it may seem like exclusion, it is simply a matter of moving to another group where they can live happily with people who are similar. I believe that Japan used to be like this, and although some of this may still remain, it is not the mainstream. If you live in an urban area, have a wealthy family, and are reasonably good at studying, you can attend private schools, which provides a certain degree of protection. While many schools have liberal educational philosophies, even if a private school has a liberal philosophy, there is a structural advantage in that children can be in an environment where classes and groups are separated, allowing them to experience a conservative environment. Whether or not children are taught liberal ideas in education is secondary to this structural advantage, and in Japan, it is common for teachers to outwardly express liberal ideas while operating in a conservative manner. In this case, children are raised in a greenhouse and only realize that they were protected when they grow up. Even if a child is somewhat liberal, their minor mischief or rebellious behavior is often overlooked within a homogeneous group.
Currently, both conservatives and liberals often use similar language, but you can tell which side they are on by looking at their actions and their underlying principles. It seems that a certain amount of life experience is necessary to discern this.
Liberalism and diversity are inversely proportional.
- - As mentioned above, liberalism fundamentally has a structure based on uniformity. Because of this, even though they say diversity is important, they often project their own problems onto the surrounding environment. When one's own mind is not mature, seeing one's own problems in others or the environment is called projection. Therefore, they often try to turn environmental issues and diversity issues into social problems, engaging in lobbying activities and trying to enact ordinances. However, they are often enthusiastic about their activities without realizing that the root cause is projection. Alternatively, once they realize it, they suddenly become disillusioned and distance themselves from the activities. Liberal activists often have a lot of internal conflict and tend to argue with each other. This is also rooted in the same fundamental issue: projection. They see problems in other activists and end up arguing with each other. The root cause is that their own minds are not mature, and therefore they are unable to accept diversity. However, they unconsciously project their own problems onto others and the surrounding environment, which results in them attacking others, the environment, or politics, not as their own problems. For liberals, the first thing to solve is their own mental problems. I think that if their minds mature, they will naturally become conservative.
- Conservatives, from the beginning, cultivate people by dividing them and giving them opportunities beyond their abilities. They do not sincerely believe in things like "all people are equal." While they may agree with such statements because society says so, they try to rephrase and clarify the essence of those statements. For example, a famous person said, "People are equal, but there are differences in quality." They agree with statements like those made by Lincoln, but they do not sincerely believe in them.
In some cases, parents who identify as liberal may expose their children to diverse and mixed environments, which can be stressful for the children. These children may feel pressured to conform to their parents' expectations and may not be able to express their true feelings or experiences. This can lead to mental instability and a sense of disconnect between their outward behavior and their inner thoughts.
Liberal parents often create environments that are highly susceptible to peer pressure, which can be overwhelming for children. They may be forced to agree with their parents' views, even if they disagree, and may experience anxiety or distress if they do not conform.
Children who are raised in these environments may feel unsafe and vulnerable. They may be exposed to negative experiences, such as bullying or discrimination, and may not have the support they need to cope with these challenges.
It is important to remember that children need a safe and supportive environment in order to thrive. This means that they need to be protected from harm and given the opportunity to develop their own identities and values.
Some parents may believe that exposing their children to diverse environments is the best way to promote tolerance and understanding. However, it is important to consider the potential negative consequences of such an approach. Children need to feel safe and secure in order to learn and grow, and they may not be able to do so in an environment that is constantly changing or unpredictable.
It is also important to remember that children are not always able to express their true feelings or experiences. They may feel pressured to conform to their parents' expectations, even if they disagree. This can lead to a sense of disconnect between their outward behavior and their inner thoughts.
If you are concerned about the impact that your parenting style may be having on your child, it is important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to understand your child's needs and to develop a parenting plan that is best for them.
It is also important to remember that children are individuals, and they will all have different needs and experiences. What works for one child may not work for another. It is important to be flexible and to adapt your parenting style to meet the individual needs of your child.
It's often said by liberals, "We know what you're talking about. Of course." This can be confusing. While liberals may have some knowledge due to external influences, they often don't truly understand the underlying issues. They tend to believe they are completely correct in their understanding. When you try to explain these things to left-wing or liberal individuals, they often become defensive, argue extensively, or even belittle you. A characteristic of liberals and left-wing individuals is their arrogance, believing they fully understand while only scratching the surface. This leads to unproductive arguments, often escalating into shouting matches and insults. Ultimately, it boils down to a display of physical strength. The essence of liberalism is a rebellion by lower-class citizens. Despite their talk of understanding and equality, it often leads to violence. When confronted with aggression as an adult, running away is the logical response, but liberals may mock you for it. It's best to avoid interacting with liberals and left-wing individuals from the start.
In the age of the internet, it's common to hear stories about people who avoid direct confrontation but write lengthy messages in emails or chats. This applies to both conservatives and liberals, but for different reasons. Conservatives emphasize the importance of direct conversation, while liberals may use this tactic to lure their opponents into a position where they can attack. It's important to recognize this as a trap and avoid it.
One way to identify liberals is to see if they hold the illusion of equality. They try to maintain this illusion by excluding those who don't fit in, and they are often afraid of the truth that shatters this illusion. When confronted with the truth, they may become hysterical or even violent.
There are many nonsensical things associated with liberalism, but the underlying issue is that people with lower intelligence may not notice this pattern. While some may be academically intelligent, they often lack the ability to see the bigger picture. Liberals tend to be confident in their intelligence, but true intelligence lies in the ability to see the overall picture. Those who can see the bigger picture are truly intelligent, while those who only focus on individual details may seem clever but ultimately lack a comprehensive understanding. That's why I avoid associating with people who lack intelligence. They are unable to see the overall picture and remain focused on individual details, which may seem correct on the surface but are ultimately flawed. Truly intelligent people can see through this.
Liberals often talk about diversity, but they don't truly understand what it means. Their concept of diversity is based on the idea that everything should conform to their ideal of an absolutely correct value system. They claim to value diversity and protect it, but in reality, they reject any values that don't align with their own. For example, they may abandon their own children if they act in a way that goes against their wishes. Their tolerance is very limited. The fundamental principle of liberals is to protect their own values and spread them to others, creating a world where everyone shares their values. They emphasize diversity and protection as a way to improve their image, but it's a superficial and hypocritical approach. Truly intelligent people can see through this.
Conservatives, on the other hand, recognize that a diverse world exists and take care not to infringe on each other's values. Conservatives respect diversity from the beginning, while liberals claim to respect diversity but often intrude on other cultures. This hypocrisy is a hallmark of liberalism.
Liberals may agree intellectually, but they often fail to truly understand due to a disconnect from the core issues, leading them to continue their previous activities and ideologies. They struggle to comprehend that people exist in vastly different realities, and while they may claim to embrace diversity, they often lack a fundamental understanding of these differences.
The key point is that some people are simply unable to understand, regardless of how much they try to grasp it intellectually. True understanding often occurs within groups of similar individuals.
While I can understand the logic of liberals and leftists, their actions often remain unchanged. They may intellectually agree, but their fundamental nature and the worlds they inhabit are different. People should live in the worlds that suit them. Liberals often fail to realize that even with some understanding, differences in worldview and common sense can be profound. As mentioned earlier, the liberal world is one where their own perspective is projected onto the entire world, creating a single, unified reality. Conservatives, on the other hand, acknowledge the existence of multiple realities. While both sides may use similar language, their underlying perspectives are fundamentally different.
Since people live in different worlds, it's best to keep them separate. There's no need to constantly criticize or invalidate each other. The world is tolerant enough to allow people to live freely in different environments, so it's best to avoid unnecessary interaction. If a liberal invites you to a "zoo-like" environment, you can simply decline, as people live in different worlds. This world is free and accepting, so people should live as they please. There's no need to deny anything, and liberals should simply live among themselves.
This is related to the common notion that "if you explain things logically, people will always understand." This is another arrogant belief of liberals, as understanding is often superficial when people have different worldviews. The idea that "people can understand each other" is a misconception stemming from the era of mass media, when social classes were mixed. In reality, such understanding is rare. While people with similar backgrounds may find common ground, understanding becomes difficult when there are significant differences in social standing. While the mass media era brought about a mixing of social classes, and people from lower classes had the opportunity to interact with diverse individuals and learn new things, claiming that everyone can understand simply because they had a lucky opportunity to learn is a self-serving statement. This generalization doesn't apply to everyone, and generally, people from lower classes are often rude and arrogant. It's best to avoid interacting with such people. In reality, understanding and common sense vary greatly between different social classes, and there are limits to understanding between people from different worlds. Those who believe that everyone can understand are arrogant, and there's no need to associate with such people. Even if you explain things clearly and someone intellectually understands the logic, there will still be barriers to understanding, especially when it comes to love. Even if someone intellectually understands something, people from different worlds regarding love will have vastly different notions of what is normal and acceptable. True understanding is not easily achieved. The idea that "understanding can be achieved through explanation" only applies within similar social classes. For example, people who think it's normal to hit each other on the head and laugh will likely be surrounded by similar individuals. Even if you try to explain the immorality of hitting someone, they may become defensive or refuse to listen. Even if they intellectually understand, that understanding may not be internalized. They may continue to hit people on the head and laugh the next day. I have personally experienced this. There are people who are simply beyond reason, like animals. Since people live in different worlds, there's no need to talk about "understanding" or other complicated matters. It's best to simply live separately.
Furthermore, when liberals claim that something can be "fully understood if it is explained logically and clearly," it often appears as if they are saying "I understand you," but in reality, it is a coercive and arrogant form of pressure to conform, implying "You must listen to and understand the wise knowledge that I, a liberal, possess." This tendency is quite common among liberals and leftists, as I have observed in my work with NPOs and NGOs. Even when their ideas are flawed, they persistently demand agreement and understanding, and if you refuse to engage, they resort to personal attacks, claiming that you are "unwilling to engage" or that you are "denying" them. However, it is more reasonable to question the behavior of someone who relentlessly pursues you to gain your absolute agreement, and why should you be blamed for rejecting such behavior? This is a clear example of how liberals attempt to maintain their homogenous ideology by excluding those who do not share their views.
It is because people live in different worlds that their perspectives and understanding naturally differ. It is unreasonable for liberals to try to impose a uniform way of thinking and living. While liberals claim to value diversity, their actions often contradict this principle. When liberals do accept diversity, it is often limited to "worlds that are very different," but when it comes to matters closer to home, they tend to promote uniformity and exclusion rather than diversity.
Similarly, in the era of mass media, concepts like "love and marriage can transcend social hierarchies" were often promoted, but this also leads to problems. When people live in different worlds, their common sense differs, so it is generally better to marry someone from a similar social stratum with a similar level of understanding. Even within the same stratum, there is a wide range of diversity. Since there are countless men and women, there is nothing inherently wrong with choosing a partner from a similar background.
Liberals and leftists spend a long time maturing their minds, and sometimes, they finally understand that the world is inherently diverse and that many different worlds exist, each with its own unique characteristics. However, this understanding, which they eventually reach, is often what conservatives have been saying all along. Upon reaching this understanding, they become disillusioned with their liberal ideology and abandon it. This is when a person transitions from being liberal to conservative. It is often said that young people are liberal, but as they age, they become conservative. While the youthful fascination with the idea of equality can be a part of growing up, people with some life experience realize that the idea of equality is not a fantasy, and it seems that those who remain liberal into old age may lack a certain level of understanding.
What liberals call "diversity" is often just an excuse to cover up their own narrow perspectives. Liberals believe that everyone lives in the same flat world, and they exclude anyone who does not conform to their ideology.
When I used to say these things when I was younger, liberals would often say various things and become confused. However, by understanding the true nature of a person's words and actions, I have been able to understand the essence of what they are saying, regardless of the words they use, and this has reduced my anxiety.
The world is not flat, and people do not live in the same world; they live in different worlds, and yet, they are all part of the same oneness. Regardless of appearance, there is diversity, and this diversity already exists in a state of oneness.
Liberals, while claiming to value diversity, often exert pressure to conform by trying to align people's thoughts and ideologies. In reality, the essence of oneness is that it exists even without such conformity, but liberals believe that oneness is achieved only through conformity to the same ideas. This pressure to conform is not only a source of annoyance, but also leads to misguided actions and lobbying efforts that attempt to change the structure of society, causing inconvenience to many people. For example, the idea of making toilets gender-neutral is simply absurd.
Liberals often repeat their arguments endlessly, assuming that they will be understood by the other person, and if the other person does not understand, they exclude them or belittle them. This is, in its simplest form, a sign of arrogance, as they believe they are superior. However, at a deeper level, liberals fail to understand the fundamental concept that diverse worlds exist. When I say this, liberals often respond with, "What are you talking about? We liberals are striving to create a society that respects diversity." However, the reality is that we already live in a wonderful world full of diversity, and the division is only created in the minds of liberals. While liberals often make it difficult to understand due to their own confusion and diverse statements, understanding the basic principle that liberals do not understand diversity can provide a clearer picture of their nature.
Spiritually, even if the world appears separate, it was originally one, and remains one from beginning to end. However, conservatives don't perceive this division, while liberals fail to understand it, mistakenly believing that division exists and that action is needed to achieve unity. No action is required; even in separate worlds, we are inherently one. Liberals attempt to achieve their version of unity by unifying the world, which leads to conflict. Since the world was inherently one, it's better for separate worlds to maintain minimal interaction and peacefully coexist. This understanding is beyond the grasp of liberals.
Regarding current global conflicts, understanding them through the lens of "liberal," "conservative," or "fascism" is a mistake. Liberals offer various justifications for division and the need for diversity, but wars often stem from being caught in the crossfire, leading to mutual resentment. Therefore, instead of debating these justifications, a greater force should suppress the conflict. Violence can be contained through a greater force, leading to peace. However, liberals often exploit such conflicts, highlighting inequalities and claiming to be empathetic, although they rarely express this openly. This is hypocritical, exemplified by Biden.
Liberals frame conflicts as inequalities and divisions because it benefits them in terms of chaos and control. They manipulate the public by stirring up a certain level of chaos, making it easier to control them. While they may not directly sell weapons, they participate in conflicts by exploiting people's anxieties. This is a deceptive tactic of liberals. There are those who understand this, those who have been socially conditioned without understanding it, and those who are beginning to suspect it. While not everyone is inherently evil, this is the underlying tendency of liberalism.
Regarding immigration, liberals often advocate for it, but allowing large numbers of immigrants inevitably leads to societal disruption. Immigrants come from different worlds, so the basic principle should be to avoid accepting them and allow them to live in their original countries. Allowing mass immigration turns a country into a zoo. However, liberals fail to grasp this, often making idealistic statements like "there should be no borders on this Earth." For example, if Indians were to flood the world, the streets would become dirty, filled with waste, garbage would be left to rot, and the stench would be unbearable. Liberals make naive statements like "that won't happen," but the reality is that the lifestyles of many Indians and Japanese are too different to coexist. While some interaction may occur between different social classes, it is minimal, and completely mixing them is unrealistic. The principle is that living in one's own world contributes to peace.
Furthermore, liberals talk about diversity and equality because emphasizing inequalities draws attention to themselves and benefits them. Moreover, liberals, even if they don't explicitly say it, gain a significant advantage from being able to "bring others into a state of chaos." Whether they are aware of it or not, this is often the true goal. Once someone is in a state of chaos, they are easier to control. Therefore, liberals emphasize sad, difficult, and painful situations and inequalities to draw people into a state of chaos, while portraying themselves as good people and controlling others from that position. This is why liberals and the media are closely linked. If liberals are consciously doing this, they are extremely evil; if they are not aware of it, they are less so. In either case, liberals who pretend to be good while manipulating others through chaos and social pressure are guilty.
The period of mental breakdown during high school.
To be honest, my mental state during high school was not as extreme as Kamille from the anime Z Gundam, but it was to some extent in a state of mental breakdown. During classes, I would keep my mouth open, and the math teacher would point out that I was making a fool of myself by keeping my mouth open, and he would ridicule me by saying, "You won't get into any university," emphasizing the word "absolutely" in front of everyone in the classroom. However, I actually got in, and I was often told things like, "It must be a fluke," or "You barely made it." At that time, my focus was off, and I was always in a hazy state, barely staying conscious. However, I was frequently called "baka" (idiot) by a mean girl in the same class, and I was frequently laughed at by a mean boy in the same class. I was barely holding on, trying not to have a mental breakdown, and I think that my high school years were generally difficult. However, when I try to recall my memories, those painful memories don't come up at all. In the anime, Kamille loses his memory at the end and only remembers the time before the difficult period. In reality, I think I have erased the painful memories of high school and university from my mind, and I can hardly remember them. It's as if someone erased those memories with a rubber eraser, and I can't remember the faces and names of my classmates. I can barely remember the names of people I was close to or liked, and recently, even those names are becoming difficult to recall. While it's normal for memories to fade with time, I actively tried to erase the memories of high school after entering university, and even after graduating, I actively tried to erase the memories of my time at university. It wasn't like I was selectively erasing memories (including memories of girls I liked), but rather I was erasing entire eras at once. Therefore, even if there was a girl I thought I liked, I can hardly remember her now. That entire period was so painful that it has been completely erased from my memory. I often reset my past life and repeated things over and over again in my relationships and memories, especially when I was young, and each time, I actively erased those past memories. Therefore, even the classmates mentioned in this story, and the people from T University, I erased the memories whenever something painful happened, so for the past few decades, I have hardly remembered anything. I have often thought, "Memories are fleeting, that's just how it is," or I have wondered if I might have a memory disorder. However, my memory was actually good when I was in elementary school, as I could memorize textbooks, and I should have had a good memory, but during high school, my mental state deteriorated, making it difficult to remember things. Now that I think about it, it seems that the difficulty in remembering my high school years might have been a symptom of a mental illness. The initial symptoms started in elementary school, and (as I mentioned before), I have had something in the depths of my chest since I was born.光の玉I used to think I had three of them, and I experienced bullying from classmates and other very difficult things that caused me to become mentally withdrawn. I believe that these were broken one by one, literally "breaking," and as a result, the love aura that spilled out from the broken orbs of light restored my mind. This was not my imagination, but rather, I sometimes remember the moment when the orbs of light broke, and I feel as if something very important in the depths of my heart is broken and shattered. It's as if someone important sacrificed themselves for me, and I feel a sense of loss that makes me cry, in exchange for which my mind is temporarily restored to some extent. However, in the long term, my mind continued to weaken. Others say it's "just your imagination" or "that's not possible," but I don't care what others say; I think it was a reality. It's as if my very important mind is breaking, and when it breaks, my feelings are temporarily restored, but with each orb of light that breaks, my grounding weakens gradually. I had already broken all three orbs of light when I was in elementary school, so my grounding was almost lost, and I became in an unstable state. In such a situation, I couldn't study well. I somehow managed to get through elementary school and junior high school, but when I was in high school and faced a similarly mentally difficult situation, I ended up having a mental breakdown. It wasn't as extreme as the ending of the anime "Mobile Suit Gundam: Char's Counterattack," but I often stared blankly at the classroom, my gaze unfocused, my head feeling a little dizzy, my mouth slightly open, my consciousness hazy, and I often looked out the window, always thinking, "I can't take it anymore. When will graduation come?" My mother often told me, "Close your mouth. You look stupid," but I was also mentally breaking down at home. It's natural that I couldn't study in such a situation, so I only did the minimum required for the entrance exams, and I was also very passionate about programming as a hobby. I have some memories of that, but I don't feel like it's my own, it's just a memory. I don't remember it much. I think I was consciously trying to erase my past memories. Among those memories that I had once forgotten, there are memories of classmates, including a girl I probably liked, and memories of a girl I had a misunderstanding with during college. And, I thought I had completely erased those memories, but I was surprised to find that I could still remember them. Perhaps they were hidden deep within my memory, and they haven't been able to surface until now.
Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that I didn't commit suicide. I probably thought about committing suicide every day, maybe 100 to 1000 times, since I was young, but I never actually did it. Perhaps, there was support from a higher power. When I was in elementary school, it was hard to go to school, and I had to concentrate on each step, moving my feet one by one, just to get to school. I was so tense just from going to school, and I was always tense at school, and when I got home, I could finally rest a little, and I always said, "I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired," but my mother never understood me. I felt like my mind was being drained every time I went to school, and I thought about committing suicide every week. Committing suicide requires a certain amount of determination and will, and at that time, I was just drifting along, not having the will to commit suicide, and I lived my days like a slave. Even in that situation, there were probably about 5 past-life wives (the spirits of a past group soul) who were always nearby, supporting me, and there were even more in the heavens, who would sometimes switch places and support me. Those women were my emotional support, and I think that's why I didn't commit suicide. Even when I had a mental breakdown and became incoherent, the past-life wives were always dedicated to supporting me, so I think the love of others, especially the love of women, is very strong.
I had mental breakdowns several times when I was in elementary school, and it was severe when I was in high school. However, even then, and sometimes now, I feel like I might be cursed, and I often have thoughts like, "Shiro, Shiro, Shiro, Shiro," and I lose consciousness and fall into a trance, where the consciousness of the curse occupies my mind, and I sometimes speak the cursed words from my mouth. Even now, sometimes that demonic consciousness comes to me, but if I realize it, I recite the Christian prayer, "Devil, be gone," or simply by focusing my mind, I can repel that demonic consciousness. This kind of consciousness comes unexpectedly, so I think there are probably "floating" murderous intentions around. In this chaotic era, murderous intentions are floating everywhere like clouds, and when I come into contact with them, murderous intentions suddenly enter my mind. When I was younger, I was more spiritually sensitive, so when I came into contact with those intentions, I would suddenly see words that I didn't understand, which would lead to suicidal impulses and frequent depression. In reality, there is no specific target or concrete thing, but even if it's just a murderous intention, if I get caught up in it, it leads to suicidal impulses. Now, I know that it's just that I came into contact with a cloud of murderous intentions, but I didn't understand it back then. You just have to reject and distance yourself from those kinds of demonic thoughts. In addition, especially when I was in elementary school, I was constantly glared at by classmates and other students, and I received murderous intentions, which seem to be deeply embedded in various parts of my aura. Even recently, if I'm careless, I can be temporarily enveloped in murderous intentions and words for about 5 seconds, lose consciousness, and fall into a trance, and in that state, the murderous consciousness occupies my mind and I speak cursed words from my mouth. So, recently, I've been trying to live carefully to avoid such things. Even if it's a short 5-second trance, it's not as complete as before, where I completely lose consciousness. Recently, it's more common for me to try to suppress it while being in a semi-trance state, and I'm especially careful not to fall into a trance when someone is nearby. I know that the people close to me know that I sometimes do that, so they understand it to some extent, even if they don't know the details, and they think that I'm just tired. However, with people who are not so close, they might misunderstand that "Am I saying cursed words to me? Am I not supposed to be near me? Am I that bad?" So, I'm careful when interacting with people who are not so close. Especially when I was young, I often didn't even remember what I was saying, and I often fell into long periods of unconsciousness, where my body and mouth moved on their own.
In my opinion, there are instances where people become consumed by demonic thoughts, leading to sudden suicide or unpredictable actions that involve not only themselves but also those around them. While it's possible to address such issues if the motive stems from one's own aura, demonic thoughts that float around like clouds are difficult to avoid, and their arrival is often unpredictable, making them akin to accidents. Therefore, it's important to be aware of such possibilities and, when suddenly consumed by demonic thoughts, to understand and address them accordingly. When someone suddenly experiences suicidal urges, those around them should not simply label them as "abnormal," "suicidal," or "violent," but rather understand the situation and help dispel the demonic thoughts. If a person interprets such violent thoughts as "I am such a demonic person," "I am such an ugly person," or "I am a person who has no value to live," they may end up committing suicide, becoming a murderer, or a criminal. However, if they correctly interpret these thoughts as "These demonic thoughts are not mine," and "Demon, be gone," they can maintain their mental health. Basically, this type of demonic thought is more likely to creep in when one is tired, so I try to live a life that minimizes fatigue.
For example, when I explore the true feelings of many people I've interacted with in a telepathic state, I often find that others perceive me as "⚪︎". It seems I've been subjected to repeated attacks of malice and curses. I'm quite noticeable, but also have a not-so-good attitude, so perhaps that's why I'm perceived that way.
There may have been a time when I studied to understand and deal with these kinds of problems and situations. If you observe someone who is in a trance due to demonic thoughts, you'll notice that their perspective is skewed and their consciousness is temporarily distant. In most cases, simply shaking their body or touching their cheek to bring them back to their senses is enough to help them recover. If they don't recover, it's a more serious situation.
In detail, this is what it means, but these problems arise because the aura's defense is broken and the mind is collapsing. In simple terms, it means "I am cursed." Jealousy, envy, and anger from others, as well as hysteria from the opposite sex, have cursed me, causing my aura's defense to break down, leading to mental collapse, making it easier for demonic thoughts to creep in and influence me, resulting in suicidal urges.
I've always believed that "it's not who is saying it, but what they are saying that matters," but the arguments of those who have said various things to me often lack a basis. Those who don't understand often try to belittle me to boost their own self-esteem. I used to lower my self-esteem by engaging in such meaningless arguments, but now I realize that it was a waste of time. Looking back, I should have adhered to my principles and judged the situation based on "what they are saying," and recognized that the reality was not what they claimed. However, people with no morals persistently pressure and rob you of your cognitive abilities, leading to depression, and if you argue back, they suddenly get angry, yell at you, or even physically attack you. That's why I became unable to speak or argue, and I ended up accepting it. That's why I still don't want to associate with people who are unintelligent and have no education. When I was young, I was surrounded by people who used violence or yelling to get their way. Since I lived in the countryside and there was only one school, I had no escape. In junior high school, I had only one option, and in high school, I had two options, but I didn't want to go to the so-called prestigious school that was three hours away because it was too far and tiring to commute, and I actively avoided it because there was a high chance that I would end up commuting with bullies. In a small community in the countryside, it's easy to be made to feel that your opinions are the norm and correct, but in reality, it's a very biased and prejudiced view, which I realized after moving to the city. Even after realizing this, it took a considerable amount of time to recover my already broken mind. I wasted a lot of time by being forced to listen to other people's opinions. I was naive and too kind. There are people who are simply stupid or twisted and try to belittle others, and such people don't understand psychological projection, so they naturally assume that what they think is true. For example, when I say something, they get angry at me and say, "You're such a terrible person," as if I'm the one at fault. At the time, I thought, "Maybe I am," but now I think I was right. It's not 100% true, but it's close enough, and as Buddhism says, "Don't associate with immoral people." It's useless to say anything to immoral people, and if you say something to them, they will be resented, retaliated against, or spread false rumors to make you look like a bad person. That's why I should have distanced myself from such twisted people. In any case, it's better not to associate with twisted people with distorted perceptions. It may be difficult in a small community in the countryside, but it's important to know that, and that's what I learned. It's really tough for children who can't escape. It's generally said that it's difficult to tell who is the perpetrator and who is the victim in terms of abuse and harassment because immoral people have high self-esteem, so they don't even realize that they are doing something wrong. Therefore, you should avoid people who are so unintelligent that they don't even understand what they are doing. There are many people who say things that are incoherent and meaningless, and there are many people who are not worth dealing with. On the other hand, there are many kind people who are not noticeable, and if you become friends with them, it would have been better. It's important to have the ability to see and understand, and in essence, being intelligent leads to a happy life. Therefore, it's natural to choose a partner who is as intelligent as possible. However, if there is too much of a difference, it may become the other person's turn to take up the valuable time of the kind and intelligent person, so it's better to choose someone who is as similar as possible for the benefit of both. Therefore, in order to choose an intelligent partner, you must first study diligently yourself. Also, it's about whether the other person chooses you.
Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that I didn't commit suicide. I probably thought about committing suicide every day, maybe 100 to 1000 times, since I was young, but I never actually did it. Perhaps, there was support from a higher power. When I was in elementary school, it was hard to go to school, and I had to concentrate on each step, moving my feet one by one, just to get to school. I was so tense just from going to school, and I was always tense at school, and when I got home, I could finally rest a little, and I always said, "I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired," but my mother never understood me. I felt like my mind was being drained every time I went to school, and I thought about committing suicide every week. Committing suicide requires a certain amount of determination and will, and at that time, I was just drifting along, not having the will to commit suicide, and I lived my days like a slave. Even in that situation, there were probably about 5 past-life wives (the spirits of a past group soul) who were always nearby, supporting me, and there were even more in the heavens, who would sometimes switch places and support me. Those women were my emotional support, and I think that's why I didn't commit suicide. Even when I had a mental breakdown and became incoherent, the past-life wives were always dedicated to supporting me, so I think the love of others, especially the love of women, is very strong.
I had mental breakdowns several times when I was in elementary school, and it was severe when I was in high school. However, even then, and sometimes now, I feel like I might be cursed, and I often have thoughts like, "Shiro, Shiro, Shiro, Shiro," and I lose consciousness and fall into a trance, where the consciousness of the curse occupies my mind, and I sometimes speak the cursed words from my mouth. Even now, sometimes that demonic consciousness comes to me, but if I realize it, I recite the Christian prayer, "Devil, be gone," or simply by focusing my mind, I can repel that demonic consciousness. This kind of consciousness comes unexpectedly, so I think there are probably "floating" murderous intentions around. In this chaotic era, murderous intentions are floating everywhere like clouds, and when I come into contact with them, murderous intentions suddenly enter my mind. When I was younger, I was more spiritually sensitive, so when I came into contact with those intentions, I would suddenly see words that I didn't understand, which would lead to suicidal impulses and frequent depression. In reality, there is no specific target or concrete thing, but even if it's just a murderous intention, if I get caught up in it, it leads to suicidal impulses. Now, I know that it's just that I came into contact with a cloud of murderous intentions, but I didn't understand it back then. You just have to reject and distance yourself from those kinds of demonic thoughts. In addition, especially when I was in elementary school, I was constantly glared at by classmates and other students, and I received murderous intentions, which seem to be deeply embedded in various parts of my aura. Even recently, if I'm careless, I can be temporarily enveloped in murderous intentions and words for about 5 seconds, lose consciousness, and fall into a trance, and in that state, the murderous consciousness occupies my mind and I speak cursed words from my mouth. So, recently, I've been trying to live carefully to avoid such things. Even if it's a short 5-second trance, it's not as complete as before, where I completely lose consciousness. Recently, it's more common for me to try to suppress it while being in a semi-trance state, and I'm especially careful not to fall into a trance when someone is nearby. I know that the people close to me know that I sometimes do that, so they understand it to some extent, even if they don't know the details, and they think that I'm just tired. However, with people who are not so close, they might misunderstand that "Am I saying cursed words to me? Am I not supposed to be near me? Am I that bad?" So, I'm careful when interacting with people who are not so close. Especially when I was young, I often didn't even remember what I was saying, and I often fell into long periods of unconsciousness, where my body and mouth moved on their own.
In my opinion, there are instances where people become consumed by demonic thoughts, leading to sudden suicide or unpredictable actions that involve not only themselves but also those around them. While it's possible to address such issues if the motive stems from one's own aura, demonic thoughts that float around like clouds are difficult to avoid, and their arrival is often unpredictable, making them akin to accidents. Therefore, it's important to be aware of such possibilities and, when suddenly consumed by demonic thoughts, to understand and address them accordingly. When someone suddenly experiences suicidal urges, those around them should not simply label them as "abnormal," "suicidal," or "violent," but rather understand the situation and help dispel the demonic thoughts. If a person interprets such violent thoughts as "I am such a demonic person," "I am such an ugly person," or "I am a person who has no value to live," they may end up committing suicide, becoming a murderer, or a criminal. However, if they correctly interpret these thoughts as "These demonic thoughts are not mine," and "Demon, be gone," they can maintain their mental health. Basically, this type of demonic thought is more likely to creep in when one is tired, so I try to live a life that minimizes fatigue.
For example, when I explore the true feelings of many people I've interacted with in a telepathic state, I often find that others perceive me as "⚪︎". It seems I've been subjected to repeated attacks of malice and curses. I'm quite noticeable, but also have a not-so-good attitude, so perhaps that's why I'm perceived that way.
There may have been a time when I studied to understand and deal with these kinds of problems and situations. If you observe someone who is in a trance due to demonic thoughts, you'll notice that their perspective is skewed and their consciousness is temporarily distant. In most cases, simply shaking their body or touching their cheek to bring them back to their senses is enough to help them recover. If they don't recover, it's a more serious situation.
In detail, this is what it means, but these problems arise because the aura's defense is broken and the mind is collapsing. In simple terms, it means "I am cursed." Jealousy, envy, and anger from others, as well as hysteria from the opposite sex, have cursed me, causing my aura's defense to break down, leading to mental collapse, making it easier for demonic thoughts to creep in and influence me, resulting in suicidal urges.
I've always believed that "it's not who is saying it, but what they are saying that matters," but the arguments of those who have said various things to me often lack a basis. Those who don't understand often try to belittle me to boost their own self-esteem. I used to lower my self-esteem by engaging in such meaningless arguments, but now I realize that it was a waste of time. Looking back, I should have adhered to my principles and judged the situation based on "what they are saying," and recognized that the reality was not what they claimed. However, people with no morals persistently pressure and rob you of your cognitive abilities, leading to depression, and if you argue back, they suddenly get angry, yell at you, or even physically attack you. That's why I became unable to speak or argue, and I ended up accepting it. That's why I still don't want to associate with people who are unintelligent and have no education. When I was young, I was surrounded by people who used violence or yelling to get their way. Since I lived in the countryside and there was only one school, I had no escape. In junior high school, I had only one option, and in high school, I had two options, but I didn't want to go to the so-called prestigious school that was three hours away because it was too far and tiring to commute, and I actively avoided it because there was a high chance that I would end up commuting with bullies. In a small community in the countryside, it's easy to be made to feel that your opinions are the norm and correct, but in reality, it's a very biased and prejudiced view, which I realized after moving to the city. Even after realizing this, it took a considerable amount of time to recover my already broken mind. I wasted a lot of time by being forced to listen to other people's opinions. I was naive and too kind. There are people who are simply stupid or twisted and try to belittle others, and such people don't understand psychological projection, so they naturally assume that what they think is true. For example, when I say something, they get angry at me and say, "You're such a terrible person," as if I'm the one at fault. At the time, I thought, "Maybe I am," but now I think I was right. It's not 100% true, but it's close enough, and as Buddhism says, "Don't associate with immoral people." It's useless to say anything to immoral people, and if you say something to them, they will be resented, retaliated against, or spread false rumors to make you look like a bad person. That's why I should have distanced myself from such twisted people. In any case, it's better not to associate with twisted people with distorted perceptions. It may be difficult in a small community in the countryside, but it's important to know that, and that's what I learned. It's really tough for children who can't escape. It's generally said that it's difficult to tell who is the perpetrator and who is the victim in terms of abuse and harassment because immoral people have high self-esteem, so they don't even realize that they are doing something wrong. Therefore, you should avoid people who are so unintelligent that they don't even understand what they are doing. There are many people who say things that are incoherent and meaningless, and there are many people who are not worth dealing with. On the other hand, there are many kind people who are not noticeable, and if you become friends with them, it would have been better. It's important to have the ability to see and understand, and in essence, being intelligent leads to a happy life. Therefore, it's natural to choose a partner who is as intelligent as possible. However, if there is too much of a difference, it may become the other person's turn to take up the valuable time of the kind and intelligent person, so it's better to choose someone who is as similar as possible for the benefit of both. Therefore, in order to choose an intelligent partner, you must first study diligently yourself. Also, it's about whether the other person chooses you.
Intervention from higher-ups and the child of T University.
Incidentally, in this story, the student from T University was wondering why so many people from completely different worlds kept appearing in front of me. They had a much faster mental processing speed, were very intelligent, and spoke quickly, often twice as fast as me. It was as if my ears and brain couldn't keep up, and I would often feel overwhelmed. At the time, I had just moved to Tokyo, wasn't used to alcohol, and was more sensitive to it, so even a small amount would make my head spin. Even when they spoke politely and logically, I often found myself wondering "What are they talking about?" because I couldn't understand. Also, their expressions were too sophisticated and their use of idioms was difficult, making communication challenging and making me feel like we were from different worlds. Even when I misunderstood something, they would patiently explain it, and I would think "Ah, I see." It's wonderful to have a woman who is not only intelligent but also kind enough to face you and explain things clearly. I get excited by women who are more intelligent than me. At the time, I wasn't very studious or intelligent, and they would respond politely and calmly (and quickly) to everything I said, and I could sense their good upbringing. They were serious and seemed to prefer serious conversations rather than casual small talk. At the time, I was also bad at small talk and would try to make small talk, but they didn't seem interested in it, and my choice of topics was probably not very good. Sometimes, they would quickly and blandly respond to topics I brought up, which I had heard or read somewhere, and I could see the differences in their way of thinking, their range of interests, and their upbringing. Even when engaging in casual conversation, it seems that a certain level of education is necessary for someone with a high level of education. Nevertheless, I wondered why such intelligent, capable, and kind people appeared in front of me, an ordinary (and somewhat rude) person, several times. However, we only had dinner together a few times, and I wondered why she was there again. At the time, I was very curious and wondered "Why is she here again?" Of course, I thought that our worlds were too different, and that she probably wouldn't have much to do with an ordinary person like me.
At that time, I was still influenced by the college entrance exam period, and I had academic insecurities and prejudices. When I met girls with high academic backgrounds, I often felt inferior, and sometimes I felt looked down upon by some women. However, in this case, I think there were various factors, and it was probably more of a story about being the youngest child.
During meditation or REM sleep, I was shown options for my future, with a 30% probability (which is a slightly difficult success rate) that this would be a foreshadowing or a setup for the future. To be honest, the possibilities shown were so unrealistic that I couldn't believe it, and there were many hurdles to overcome to reach that timeline, all of which seemed impossible. As a premise, there is something set as my "new mission," and she seems to be involved in that. Because of that mission, she was set up as a foreshadowing about 20 years ago. It seems that it's better to meet when you're young rather than when you're older, so that you can understand each other better for future purposes. However, until then, we both had things to do, and the timing wasn't right, so it was more of a temporary meeting than a long-term relationship. Therefore, it seems that my awareness was clouded, and I was in a trance-like state where I couldn't recognize what was happening, and I was wondering "What is this?" because higher spirits intervened to prevent us from becoming too close, and they blocked my perception and actions. Looking back, I sometimes couldn't understand the words she was saying, and I couldn't recognize the content at all, and there were even times when I couldn't consciously recognize the words, and I always wondered what that was. I thought it was because I was not intelligent enough to understand idioms and words, but there was certainly that aspect, but it's unusual that I couldn't even recognize "a, i, u, e, o." Even if you're not familiar with expressions or dialects, it's generally common to take some time to get used to them, but the fact that I couldn't recognize even "a, i, u, e, o" during and after the conversation is quite unusual. There was no such situation where my recognition suddenly stopped, and it wasn't a situation where I was distracted and not listening. I was concentrating, but it seemed that the spirits were judging that "it's not good for you to understand this," "it's not time for that yet," and "I need to prevent you from getting too close, so I'm blocking your understanding of this part." A certain level of awareness and preparation is necessary to understand a conversation, and the premise for that was temporarily removed. Even though I had been having conversations for a while and a basic understanding was established, suddenly only certain parts of the conversation became incomprehensible, even to the point of not recognizing "a, i, u, e, o," which was strange. It seems that everything was being manipulated by higher spirits.
This story, which I received in more detail, still makes me question, "Is that really true?" Furthermore, the emotions and expressions that suddenly arose when I said goodbye to her, it seems that a higher spirit intentionally caused me to take actions that I couldn't understand. In addition, I subconsciously knew that "we wouldn't be able to see each other for a while," so I was saddened by the prospect of a long farewell of several decades. Indeed, if explained by a higher power, it might be true, but I don't know for sure. There are many cases where this is just imagination, so there's no need to believe it completely, but I don't need to deny it as a possibility. If it were truly the case, it would mean that the higher spirit orchestrating fate is far beyond my comprehension. However, it's too far-fetched to believe, and I can't fully accept it. I've had many hardships in the past few decades, but if this were true, the higher spirit that governs fate would have been setting the stage long ago. I'm sure things wouldn't have gone well even if we had become close, and I would have been in a situation where I couldn't handle it. And that would connect to the future. If this were to become a reality, I would have no choice but to believe in the existence of a higher, unseen world. I already believe in it to some extent, but my conviction would increase significantly. At this point, it's just an inspiration, so I don't know if it's true, but if it's fate and a mission, I think it's good to choose it. I affirmed, "I understand. If this is the will of a higher power, I will accept that choice," and made the choice to accept that fate. If it were true, my life might progress in that direction. From my perspective, it's fate, but from a higher perspective, it's not fate, but the will of the higher power itself. Even if there were a fate based on such a will, it's only the will of a higher power at that point, and it hasn't yet become a reality. So, if fate doesn't unfold that way, that's just the way it is. For now, I'm just accepting the possibility. If I choose that possibility, I think it's becoming clear what I need to do now and what I should avoid. Now that I've been shown a glimpse of the future, I'm confused because I can't determine whether it's true or not. I don't know if the probability was 30% at the time I was young or 30% at this point, but I think it's probably around 30% overall. At this point, I'm on the right path, and there's a certain possibility that it will happen. Indeed, the situation at that time was strange, and I didn't understand why I had those feelings and took those actions. Even if it was a misunderstanding at the time, I didn't realize it was a misunderstanding, and I continued to think the same way until recently. Now, I finally understand what was wrong with my understanding at the time, and I finally understand why I had that misunderstanding for so long. It's like a mystery has been solved. All of my actions and misunderstandings at the time were intended by the higher spirit, and everything was perfect. I finally understand the intention of the higher spirit.
I remembered something from that time. I recall that, at that time, I was also shown the reasons for my actions and the future situation by a spirit (after that event, on a certain night), and I was told, "This is the reason why you took those actions." I understood it at the time, but I had forgotten about it. This time, I was taught the same thing from a different perspective, and the things I obtained through separate understandings turned out to be the same as what I understood decades ago. Therefore, I feel certain that there was an intervention by a higher spirit. At the time, I thought, "Hmm... I understand, but is it really true?" but I had completely forgotten about it. This time, the content is quite similar, but it's being taught from a different perspective, and the things I obtained through separate understandings turned out to be the same as what I understood decades ago, so I have a feeling that it might actually be true. In reality, there were other girls at that party, and it seems that I could have been with any of them if I had just been approached. However, a few years later, I would have been dumped by that girl, and the other girl would have ended up marrying a bureaucrat. It seems that I might have been chosen as a playmate by that other girl, as she was very interested in experiencing many things quickly because she had only studied until high school and had entered a prestigious university. She was more interested in experiencing various things than finding a truly loving partner. That was a possibility. However, for that other girl, marriage seemed to be a different matter. When I learned that, I felt a bit strange. Moreover, I learned that I would eventually lose to another man, which was shocking. On the other hand, in that timeline, the relationship with the first girl would have progressed in a way that wouldn't lead to anything. Therefore, it seems that the higher spirit chose not to have a close relationship with the other girl. I don't know if it's true, but when you know too much about the future, you often end up thinking, "Well, it's okay," from the beginning. Now, I think, "Even if I would eventually be dumped, I could have a fun time for a few years, and it would be a good experience for both of us, and even though it would be sad (knowing that), that's okay." I think I could have had more options back then. There's no need to always have a long-term relationship. There are things in the world that are better left unknown. However, if I had just become friends with either of those girls normally, they would have been good people and would have been happy. In this case, however, there was a purpose for me to become familiar with the first girl in advance for the sake of the mission, so that I could build a foundation for a deeper relationship in the future. It seems that because it's difficult to build a private relationship with someone who is mature and guarded when you meet them later in life, there was an intervention by a higher spirit, including classmates, during my college years.
Originally, relationships become important in middle age or later, but before that, there was relatively free choice. However, if you get too close too quickly, the relationship may break down due to immaturity, so it seems that a higher power intervened to create a state of being close but not too close. I didn't really notice it, but every 1 or 2 years, there were near misses on the street, and it was always the higher power that intervened to make us pass each other on the opposite lanes. For that person, it was a state of "I see you, but I can't reach you." Because it continued for so long, she started taking pictures the moment she saw me. ...However, this is still based on my understanding, so I'm not sure if it's true. Indeed, I sometimes felt a strong gaze coming from somewhere when I was on the street. I'm sorry, I'm quite insensitive.
In addition to that, several of my relationships with women seem to have been added to accumulate experience so that this relationship with her could work out. Given my personality, it's strange that I had a relationship with a "chaste beauty" who I wouldn't normally be interested in. Apparently, if I just stayed put, there was a risk that I would be too awkward and the relationship would not go well when I got closer to the person I was supposed to be with. So, there was a meaning to let me gain some experience.
At first, I understood it from the perspective of whether I could be happy, but in reality, the higher power's intention was the opposite. Happiness is important, but it's secondary. The higher power considered the option of gradually approaching, but if it was impossible to approach the person I was supposed to be with directly, it would have been okay to start by becoming friends with her friends and then get closer to her. However, she is a serious person, so it was unlikely that she would date her friend's ex-boyfriend. So, that route wouldn't work, and she chose a relatively straightforward path, but she couldn't get too close right away. It seems that she needed to build a foundation of trust first. This time, she chose a rather unusual situation. She is a person with a strong defense, so she wouldn't understand someone switching from another person nearby. She seemed to be the type who wouldn't fall for someone unless they were relatively straightforward from the beginning. Even if I diverted my attention or wondered "what if," she seemed to be suspicious and think "hmm." So, she seems to be a serious person. It's normal to look at the person you're going to date properly, but in her case, she seems to be satisfied only if the other person is serious about her, and she wouldn't be satisfied if I seemed like a playboy. So, the higher power seems to have schemed various things to make an impression. It's difficult to become close to someone you've just met when you're older, so she probably became somewhat familiar with me when I was young. That's what the higher power's spirit taught me and instructed me to do. I thought, "Oh, is that so? That's an interesting idea. I don't know if it's true, but if that's the instruction, I guess I have no choice. Even so, will we not become strangers after decades?" I had doubts, but I had no choice but to obey. In fact, I can't take actions that are different from the instructions. If I try to take actions that are different from the instructions, my body won't move, so I end up obeying. However, it seems like the best option, so there's no problem with it. That's why a brilliant and good person who lives in a different world suddenly appeared in front of me (temporarily). I wondered, "Why is this person here?" But maybe that's what it was. Of course, this is just a story, and I don't know if it's true. However, I've written a lot, but compared to the bizarre things that might happen in the future, even this is just the beginning.
Further explanation. I used to think of myself as insensitive, and I'm still somewhat insensitive. However, this "insensitivity" is not about my senses, but rather, it's about whether I can understand the emotions and sensations that others understand. So, it's not that I'm insensitive, but that I can't understand the emotions and sensations that I don't know. I used to not know much about love, so I couldn't feel the love that others were giving me, which is a state of "insensitivity." That's because I didn't know much about love, so I couldn't understand the emotions and sensations of others. That's what "insensitivity" means, and as I learn about love, I can understand the love of others, and as that love deepens, I become less insensitive. Also, it's not just "insensitivity," but rather, there have been times when a forced intervention occurred, making me feel dazed and unable to recognize things when I tried to say, "I can't get too close to this person." That's also "insensitivity," but it's more of an intervention (from a higher power). The part of me that is "alive" thinks about "happiness" and "fulfillment," but the intervention from the higher power is always prioritized by the mission, and it doesn't really pay attention to my feelings. On the other hand, I think, "I wanted to get closer to that person," but the higher power says, "Yes, yes. There's a mission. You can't be with that person." My intentions are always ignored. Even though it's called a "mission," it's just a mission from the higher power's perspective, but for me, it's relatively free, and I can just get along normally without putting too much effort into it. The higher power's spirit first observes and looks for a person it likes, and then asks, "Would you like to try?" So, it's not just about the mission, but it also reflects preferences. Therefore, the other person (at least at the level of the spirit) probably agrees with the mission from the higher power, but how much they are aware of it (at the level of conscious awareness) is unknown. In general, people are often unaware of the mission from the higher power, especially at the beginning. Moreover, it's unlikely that anything will happen unless we reconnect after decades, so there's a high possibility that it's just a false alarm. We only had a few meals together, so it's not a long or deep relationship. So, I'm a little worried that she might not recognize me because my appearance might have changed. I think it's easy to recognize my face, so I think she will probably recognize me. However, I'm supposed to be shown the possibility by the higher power, but this kind of thing only happens if I agree to it, and even if I agree, there's a possibility that the other person won't agree (at the level of conscious awareness or spirit), or there might be further intervention that makes it not work out. So, it's still unclear whether it will actually become as bizarre as the higher power has instructed. For now, it's just one possibility.
During my university years, I discovered that even my classmates were being guided by a higher power for a specific purpose. There was a time when, despite many universities being nearby, my blind dates were exclusively with girls from T University, which was very strange. It turns out that, even before the target girl joined, there were repeated interventions from a higher power involving other classmates. This explained the mystery of why only T University girls were attending those blind dates. I often wondered, "What is this? It's strange... Again... Why only T University? Why are girls from such a minor university coming to these blind dates? Shouldn't girls from other universities be invited?" Sometimes, I even suspected that it was too biased and odd. That's why, despite many blind dates, couples were rarely formed, and the T University girls, while polite, seemed to have an invisible barrier. This was likely because people who weren't originally meant to be paired up were being involved for this purpose, so couples were unlikely to form. The blind dates were probably arranged due to higher-level reasons, which is why they rarely resulted in couples. I observed this from the sidelines, and at the time, I didn't fully understand it and made some misinterpretations. I wondered, "What is this? Why are so many girls from T University coming to these blind dates, even though they don't seem that enthusiastic? They all seem polite, but not really interested, maybe they're just curious? They're not even saying they're from T University, they're being vague and talking about universities in Tokyo, it's like they're trying to hide something, maybe they're just here to check things out. That's right, girls from my university wouldn't be considered by girls from T University." I was very puzzled and suspicious. However, those T University girls were actually good people. They were simply being involved by a higher power, and they were participating in a way that made it seem like it was their own choice, to ensure that the target girl felt comfortable. This explains the polite but somewhat distant attitude of those T University girls. They weren't intentionally scheming or having twisted personalities; they were just good people who were being manipulated by a higher power. The official reason, as far as I know, was that someone said, "We're interested in IT because of the IT revolution and the IT bubble," so that was the apparent reason. However, in reality, they were likely involved because of a higher power. I'm not completely convinced, but it makes sense and resonates with me.
After these events orchestrated by a higher power, the strange blind dates stopped abruptly. Then, when I attended other blind dates, they were completely normal, with no special arrangements. In that normal reality, I seemed to be treated as inferior compared to people who had houses in Tokyo, likely due to being from a rural area. Also, my clothing was not fashionable, so I was often ignored and treated as if I didn't exist, and I was often dismissed without a second thought. This suggests that the period with the special blind dates was an anomaly. Now, I think it's understandable why I was ignored. If I were a girl, I would probably choose someone who has a house in Tokyo. Regardless of personality, that's what most people would think. I didn't realize this reality when I first moved to Tokyo. I just thought I was unpopular, but in reality, I was being overlooked. Of course, some girls might not have cared, but it seemed like they were mostly ignoring me. It's difficult to form relationships with people who have fundamentally different attributes, and it seems like it's hard to build relationships without the intervention and guidance of a higher power. Now, I think that's the case. I remember that, in contrast, I was temporarily taken to a place with a much stronger materialistic focus (by a higher power), where I learned that there were many people who were specifically targeting high-status individuals. The contrast was very clear during that period. However, there are many genuine people.
By the way, a male classmate from my university was the same age as the target girl from T University, and he was the one who organized the blind dates. However, that classmate was incredibly talented, far beyond what my university could offer. He was supposed to go to a much better university, but a higher power intervened and made him study IT at that university. My university, when viewed from T University, was considered a relatively low-ranked institution, but at the time, the IT revolution was in full swing, and the university attracted early adopters interested in IT. That classmate was trusted by his high school friends and was also trusted by the target girl, so a higher power took notice of him. He was a very intelligent person who went to a university with a lower ranking than he should have, with a specific purpose, and he was respected by his classmates for that. However, a higher power intervened and made him go to that university, even changing his university, to involve the target girl from T University. This time, a higher power intervened in his consciousness and even changed his university, and then provided follow-up support. He was supposed to go to a good university and find a good job, so a higher power intervened again to bring him back to his original path. In this case, the classmate was a very "good" and considerate person, so a higher power likely helped him find a job as a form of gratitude.
Here's the translation:
In reality, similar stories exist in various places, and the higher-level spirits that intervene in my life are quite mischievous and often make outrageous requests. However, when the person involved is a good person, they intervene to create a better situation. Conversely, there are cases where they intervene to push things in a bad direction for bad people. In those cases, I intervened to steer things in a positive direction and received thanks for it.
While these stories contain various possibilities, it's unclear whether these clues are actually true. Nevertheless, after reflecting on these things, I feel like I've gained a better understanding of the concept of "love," so at least that part wasn't a waste of time. I've realized once again the importance of understanding emotions correctly. I've always thought that my life, including its failures, was perfect, but if some of these clues turn out to be true in the future, it would be too perfect. However, even when such intuitions arise, I tend to think "maybe" until something concrete manifests in reality. If the possibilities shown to me become a reality, my future would be very fulfilling. This clue seems to be more aligned with a larger purpose than a personal one. In reality, I've been shown more specific details, but I haven't yet reached the level of understanding that I've been given. During my student days, I briefly encountered someone, and that encounter served as a clue for my future mission, but it was more of a preliminary meeting than anything else. I'm unsure whether this mission is real, but for now, I'm keeping an open mind to the possibility that it might be.
To put it simply (and I'm not sure if it's true), in the future, I will possess a wealth of assets that I can't even imagine now, and I will donate to a certain organization. As mentioned elsewhere, that organization won't be able to use all the funds, and if they don't do anything, the money will simply go to the national treasury. So, I'm considering ways to make effective use of the funds, and I think it would be great to create a new trading company, especially one focused on women and run by women. I was looking at trading and consulting firms, hoping to find someone suitable, and then I came across this wonderful woman. She was not only highly skilled but also had a personality that I liked. I decided to pursue her, but initially, my direct approach didn't work, so I tried again after some time, and eventually, we started dating and even got married. However, my overly enthusiastic approach, especially considering the time that had passed, made her uncomfortable, so I realized that such a forceful approach was not the right way. I pondered how to make her reciprocate my feelings, and I thought, "Maybe I should have started dating her when she was younger." But I realized that she might not be mature enough at that age. Then, I considered becoming the boyfriend of one of her friends first, and then approaching her after she had become more emotionally stable. However, I didn't like the idea of "bouncing around" or having a casual attitude, and it seemed like she would sense that I was not genuine, so I abandoned that idea. I probably thought that she wouldn't give me a second chance unless I was sincere. So, I decided to first meet her during my university years, and then we would go our separate ways for a while, as the real importance of our relationship would come into play during my middle age. Until then, we would occasionally "bump into each other" on the street, and then we would reconnect when I was older. That's the plan, but the reality might be different. We'll see. I don't know what the future holds. Also, I wonder what "bumping into each other" means? Well, in reality, it seems to be exactly what it sounds like. One day, when I was in my early twenties, I was shown a scene during meditation or REM sleep. It was a scene of a day when I was walking from Ueno Park towards Ueno Station, and I suddenly remembered that someone stopped in front of me and was about to bump into me, so I was surprised and dodged. At the time, I just thought that I was about to bump into someone, but now, when I recall the scene shown to me during meditation or REM sleep, I wonder if that person was the woman from the university who was about to bump into me? Maybe she was the one who raised her hand slightly and called out to me? Maybe she was looking at my face? Maybe she stopped in front of me and was about to speak to me? It's been over 10 years, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I was just surprised that I was about to bump into someone and didn't even look at her face. However, she might have recognized me. No, it's a mystery. At the moment I was about to bump into her, I was just in a state of panic and surprise, so I didn't have time to think about anything else. But about 30 minutes later, I vaguely remembered thinking, "Could that be her?" It was too late. I'm so oblivious. It's extremely unlikely to run into someone in a crowded city like this, but there's no proof, and I didn't even notice her because I was surprised and just walked away. I wish she had called out my name or tapped me on the shoulder instead of just looking at me. But I probably didn't even know her name, as we had only had a few meals together. Maybe she didn't even recognize me because it had been so long. I'm not good at remembering faces, especially women, because they wear makeup, so it's difficult to distinguish their faces. I didn't ignore her; I just didn't recognize her. Later, I realized that she might have been the one. No, I'm so oblivious that I'm truly sorry. Also, at the time, I was still amazed by Tokyo, and I was walking around Ueno Park and Ueno Station, thinking, "Wow! There are so many shiny buildings and elevated trains! The intersection is so big! There are so many people walking around! Ueno is so glamorous!" I was like a country bumpkin who was just staring around, so my gaze might have been slightly directed towards her, but I was so fascinated by the scenery that I didn't even notice the faces of the people walking around. In that situation, even if someone suddenly stopped in front of me, I would just be surprised and wouldn't be able to focus on their face. I simply thought, "There are so many people in Tokyo. I need to be careful. I almost bumped into someone." Please understand. No, I don't know if that's actually what happened, but if it did, I'm sorry. There have also been other times when I think she recognized me in the street. Again, there's no way to confirm this, but it's unsettling. Maybe she's taken pictures of me several times? It's possible that our lives are closer than I thought. I didn't realize it, but maybe she's been "bumping into" me every 1 or 2 years, and while I haven't noticed, she's been paying attention to me, and she's probably wondering, "Why do I keep running into this person?" And then, she might have started taking pictures to keep a record of it. Is that possible? If we were to reconnect, it would be fun to see what happens. Maybe, just the other day, when I was riding my bike near Ueno Park, the girl who was taking pictures across the intersection might have been her? No, probably not. I only glanced at her, so I didn't see her face. Anyway, I don't know what happened before that. The area around Ueno and Ueno Station might be a "hotspot." No, probably not. This is just a story from my meditation. If it were real, it would be shocking. But I'll just keep an eye on things and see what happens. After all, even if what I saw in meditation is just my imagination, it's still an interesting story. It's fun to imagine, and it would be even more fun if it were real.
I don't know how much the student from T University was aware of her mission at the time, but women are generally more perceptive than men and can see into the future. So, there's a 20% chance that she was somewhat aware of her mission at that point. If that's the case, the reason she might have been displeased with me is that I was too incompetent, not awakened, and had little awareness of my mission. Perhaps she was displeased with me because I was unaware of my mission. That's a possibility. Or, she might have realized it later. That's also possible. It's easy to tell who is the person to fulfill the mission if you have some awareness, but since it's something that happens later in life, it's important to develop your skills first. Ultimately, it might have been better to stay apart. Emotionally, it would have been better to be close, but that wouldn't have worked out in the end. It's been decades since then, and she might already be aware of her mission.
Well, that's what I think, but what do you think? I don't know if it's true or not.
Also, this matter seems to be related to other timelines. In a previous timeline, we became friends, but she was acting like a cat. In this timeline, we clashed intensely at first, which revealed her true nature. Looking back, I was always puzzled by her cat-like behavior in the previous timeline, and when I decided to redo this timeline, I thought it would be a good opportunity to see her true nature. So, when I had dinner with her for the first time, I had a strange attitude and expression, but at the time, I didn't fully understand the background. Now, I think it was because of the previous timeline.
Furthermore, I've learned that it's not necessary to redo everything to change the timeline, although some familiarity and effort are required. However, the basic approach is to redo everything. But, it seems that it's possible to intervene and modify certain aspects without having to redo everything. This involves remembering (or rather, something that's not exactly normal memory) the "aura" or "atmosphere" of the modified parts, and then restoring and recalling that memory at key points to modify the timeline only in those specific areas. However, there might be times when things get mixed up and don't work properly. In this case, it seems that instead of redrawing everything, only certain parts were changed.
In general terms, in timelines that are economically quite affluent, there was a limit to spiritual growth. Because I had experienced the limits of life in several timelines, I decided to "redo" it. I thought, "Let's see what happens if I push her to the very bottom of life." As a result, I placed people who would do terrible moral harassment, abuse, and violence around her, especially during her youth. Surprisingly, this was effective, allowing her to re-examine her spiritual side and gain various insights. In reality, looking at her youth, the affluent timeline had a much better "aura" or "vibration." However, she became arrogant due to her wealth, which made it difficult for her to achieve spiritual growth in her middle age. In this timeline, her "aura" or "vibration" during her youth was the worst, and she fell to the very bottom. However, what I realized from that was, "You can only understand the reality of this world by falling to the very bottom." Even if angels or gods try to explain things, you can't understand it unless you actually experience the bottom. And, the task in this life (timeline) was to fall and then rise again.
Related to that, it seems that in some previous timelines, I had already had a close relationship with the student from T University. That's why, even though there wasn't much happening in this timeline, she was somehow paying attention to me and having near misses. This was because of the connection we had in the previous timeline (a parallel timeline). In that timeline, she was acting like a cat, and I couldn't quite understand her true feelings, but we had a fairly deep relationship. However, now that I've decided to redo this timeline, it's a good opportunity to reveal her true nature. So, I acted strangely at first, and that's how I finally saw her true self. And, I realized that even though she acts like a cat, she's a good person at heart. And, I finally understood the true face of that girl, which had been a mystery since the previous timeline. Although I think we were basically on good terms in other timelines, I felt that she was acting like a cat, and I couldn't quite understand her true nature, which made me feel uneasy. However, by contacting her when she was a young freshman in this timeline, I was able to understand her true nature, which resolved the long-standing questions I had. This happened when we first met, so I didn't realize what it meant at the time. But, it seems that she was actually a girl with whom I had a deep connection.
In another timeline, I managed to secure funding as planned, but because the other person neglected to acquire the business skills and knowledge that were their role, that timeline was deemed a "failure" by the higher power. We were supposed to have distinct roles: I was responsible for funding, and they were responsible for business. However, in a timeline where I secured funding at a young age, they became uninterested in working and became a housewife. Later, she tried to start a business, remembering her original role, but because she was a housewife instead of starting a career like consulting, she had to learn everything from scratch, which caused stress and prevented her from effectively utilizing the funds. So, there were timelines where I succeeded early, but because she became a housewife, things didn't go well. In fact, even in the timeline where I secured funding, I experienced various conflicts and uncertainties, so I wasn't as spiritually advanced or at peace as I am in this current timeline. Based on this, the higher power seems to have determined that it's best for us to both work on acquiring the necessary knowledge, skills, and funding until we reach middle age, and then come together to leverage our respective skills in funding and business.
According to the higher power, other people might encounter problems like being motivated by money, having one-sided or possessive love, or causing their spouses to become angry. However, the person from T University seems to be problem-free, and they actually have a mission assigned to them. Therefore, if I were to marry someone else, it would be considered a "bad ending" by the higher power, as if the player made the wrong choice in the game of life. To achieve the "ideal ending" in the game of life, there are several hurdles to overcome. First, I need to make sure she doesn't fall for anyone else. Then, I need to achieve financial stability. And then, there are other demands that seem unreasonable. It's not enough for us to simply be together; we must both fulfill our respective roles. If I fail to secure funding, it will be a bad ending, and I'll have to restart my life. Similarly, if she fails to acquire business skills, it will also be a bad ending. It feels like if we fail at anything, we might have to restart our lives. Well, let's see what happens.
In order to lay the foundation for that, I've essentially hit rock bottom. And now, by hitting rock bottom, various mysteries that were unclear in previous timelines are starting to become clear.
Also, (I'm generally skeptical of the concept of twin souls), but it's possible that she has a soul that could be considered my twin soul. This is because she has similar fashion sense, a wide range of expressions, a complex and hard-to-understand personality, and mannerisms that are very similar to mine. Twin souls are said to be separated fragments from the same group soul, so our souls are likely very close, or we may have had a long relationship. Our vibrations are very similar. I've rarely met someone like her.
Furthermore, just recently, while I was traveling in Beppu and walking from a restaurant to my hotel, I noticed that the person in the car parked in the parking lot was staring at me. I didn't pay much attention and just walked past, but now that I think about it, the car's position was strange for being parked there, and it seemed like she was struggling with parallel parking, as the car was parked at an angle and in a somewhat awkward position. Perhaps she was trying to maneuver, but a pedestrian came along, so she was waiting for me to pass. Now that I think about it, that driver might have been her. Is this just overthinking? I can't imagine meeting her so far away. But I'll make a note of it.
At that time, I was still influenced by the college entrance exam period, and I had academic insecurities and prejudices. When I met girls with high academic backgrounds, I often felt inferior, and sometimes I felt looked down upon by some women. However, in this case, I think there were various factors, and it was probably more of a story about being the youngest child.
During meditation or REM sleep, I was shown options for my future, with a 30% probability (which is a slightly difficult success rate) that this would be a foreshadowing or a setup for the future. To be honest, the possibilities shown were so unrealistic that I couldn't believe it, and there were many hurdles to overcome to reach that timeline, all of which seemed impossible. As a premise, there is something set as my "new mission," and she seems to be involved in that. Because of that mission, she was set up as a foreshadowing about 20 years ago. It seems that it's better to meet when you're young rather than when you're older, so that you can understand each other better for future purposes. However, until then, we both had things to do, and the timing wasn't right, so it was more of a temporary meeting than a long-term relationship. Therefore, it seems that my awareness was clouded, and I was in a trance-like state where I couldn't recognize what was happening, and I was wondering "What is this?" because higher spirits intervened to prevent us from becoming too close, and they blocked my perception and actions. Looking back, I sometimes couldn't understand the words she was saying, and I couldn't recognize the content at all, and there were even times when I couldn't consciously recognize the words, and I always wondered what that was. I thought it was because I was not intelligent enough to understand idioms and words, but there was certainly that aspect, but it's unusual that I couldn't even recognize "a, i, u, e, o." Even if you're not familiar with expressions or dialects, it's generally common to take some time to get used to them, but the fact that I couldn't recognize even "a, i, u, e, o" during and after the conversation is quite unusual. There was no such situation where my recognition suddenly stopped, and it wasn't a situation where I was distracted and not listening. I was concentrating, but it seemed that the spirits were judging that "it's not good for you to understand this," "it's not time for that yet," and "I need to prevent you from getting too close, so I'm blocking your understanding of this part." A certain level of awareness and preparation is necessary to understand a conversation, and the premise for that was temporarily removed. Even though I had been having conversations for a while and a basic understanding was established, suddenly only certain parts of the conversation became incomprehensible, even to the point of not recognizing "a, i, u, e, o," which was strange. It seems that everything was being manipulated by higher spirits.
This story, which I received in more detail, still makes me question, "Is that really true?" Furthermore, the emotions and expressions that suddenly arose when I said goodbye to her, it seems that a higher spirit intentionally caused me to take actions that I couldn't understand. In addition, I subconsciously knew that "we wouldn't be able to see each other for a while," so I was saddened by the prospect of a long farewell of several decades. Indeed, if explained by a higher power, it might be true, but I don't know for sure. There are many cases where this is just imagination, so there's no need to believe it completely, but I don't need to deny it as a possibility. If it were truly the case, it would mean that the higher spirit orchestrating fate is far beyond my comprehension. However, it's too far-fetched to believe, and I can't fully accept it. I've had many hardships in the past few decades, but if this were true, the higher spirit that governs fate would have been setting the stage long ago. I'm sure things wouldn't have gone well even if we had become close, and I would have been in a situation where I couldn't handle it. And that would connect to the future. If this were to become a reality, I would have no choice but to believe in the existence of a higher, unseen world. I already believe in it to some extent, but my conviction would increase significantly. At this point, it's just an inspiration, so I don't know if it's true, but if it's fate and a mission, I think it's good to choose it. I affirmed, "I understand. If this is the will of a higher power, I will accept that choice," and made the choice to accept that fate. If it were true, my life might progress in that direction. From my perspective, it's fate, but from a higher perspective, it's not fate, but the will of the higher power itself. Even if there were a fate based on such a will, it's only the will of a higher power at that point, and it hasn't yet become a reality. So, if fate doesn't unfold that way, that's just the way it is. For now, I'm just accepting the possibility. If I choose that possibility, I think it's becoming clear what I need to do now and what I should avoid. Now that I've been shown a glimpse of the future, I'm confused because I can't determine whether it's true or not. I don't know if the probability was 30% at the time I was young or 30% at this point, but I think it's probably around 30% overall. At this point, I'm on the right path, and there's a certain possibility that it will happen. Indeed, the situation at that time was strange, and I didn't understand why I had those feelings and took those actions. Even if it was a misunderstanding at the time, I didn't realize it was a misunderstanding, and I continued to think the same way until recently. Now, I finally understand what was wrong with my understanding at the time, and I finally understand why I had that misunderstanding for so long. It's like a mystery has been solved. All of my actions and misunderstandings at the time were intended by the higher spirit, and everything was perfect. I finally understand the intention of the higher spirit.
I remembered something from that time. I recall that, at that time, I was also shown the reasons for my actions and the future situation by a spirit (after that event, on a certain night), and I was told, "This is the reason why you took those actions." I understood it at the time, but I had forgotten about it. This time, I was taught the same thing from a different perspective, and the things I obtained through separate understandings turned out to be the same as what I understood decades ago. Therefore, I feel certain that there was an intervention by a higher spirit. At the time, I thought, "Hmm... I understand, but is it really true?" but I had completely forgotten about it. This time, the content is quite similar, but it's being taught from a different perspective, and the things I obtained through separate understandings turned out to be the same as what I understood decades ago, so I have a feeling that it might actually be true. In reality, there were other girls at that party, and it seems that I could have been with any of them if I had just been approached. However, a few years later, I would have been dumped by that girl, and the other girl would have ended up marrying a bureaucrat. It seems that I might have been chosen as a playmate by that other girl, as she was very interested in experiencing many things quickly because she had only studied until high school and had entered a prestigious university. She was more interested in experiencing various things than finding a truly loving partner. That was a possibility. However, for that other girl, marriage seemed to be a different matter. When I learned that, I felt a bit strange. Moreover, I learned that I would eventually lose to another man, which was shocking. On the other hand, in that timeline, the relationship with the first girl would have progressed in a way that wouldn't lead to anything. Therefore, it seems that the higher spirit chose not to have a close relationship with the other girl. I don't know if it's true, but when you know too much about the future, you often end up thinking, "Well, it's okay," from the beginning. Now, I think, "Even if I would eventually be dumped, I could have a fun time for a few years, and it would be a good experience for both of us, and even though it would be sad (knowing that), that's okay." I think I could have had more options back then. There's no need to always have a long-term relationship. There are things in the world that are better left unknown. However, if I had just become friends with either of those girls normally, they would have been good people and would have been happy. In this case, however, there was a purpose for me to become familiar with the first girl in advance for the sake of the mission, so that I could build a foundation for a deeper relationship in the future. It seems that because it's difficult to build a private relationship with someone who is mature and guarded when you meet them later in life, there was an intervention by a higher spirit, including classmates, during my college years.
Originally, relationships become important in middle age or later, but before that, there was relatively free choice. However, if you get too close too quickly, the relationship may break down due to immaturity, so it seems that a higher power intervened to create a state of being close but not too close. I didn't really notice it, but every 1 or 2 years, there were near misses on the street, and it was always the higher power that intervened to make us pass each other on the opposite lanes. For that person, it was a state of "I see you, but I can't reach you." Because it continued for so long, she started taking pictures the moment she saw me. ...However, this is still based on my understanding, so I'm not sure if it's true. Indeed, I sometimes felt a strong gaze coming from somewhere when I was on the street. I'm sorry, I'm quite insensitive.
In addition to that, several of my relationships with women seem to have been added to accumulate experience so that this relationship with her could work out. Given my personality, it's strange that I had a relationship with a "chaste beauty" who I wouldn't normally be interested in. Apparently, if I just stayed put, there was a risk that I would be too awkward and the relationship would not go well when I got closer to the person I was supposed to be with. So, there was a meaning to let me gain some experience.
At first, I understood it from the perspective of whether I could be happy, but in reality, the higher power's intention was the opposite. Happiness is important, but it's secondary. The higher power considered the option of gradually approaching, but if it was impossible to approach the person I was supposed to be with directly, it would have been okay to start by becoming friends with her friends and then get closer to her. However, she is a serious person, so it was unlikely that she would date her friend's ex-boyfriend. So, that route wouldn't work, and she chose a relatively straightforward path, but she couldn't get too close right away. It seems that she needed to build a foundation of trust first. This time, she chose a rather unusual situation. She is a person with a strong defense, so she wouldn't understand someone switching from another person nearby. She seemed to be the type who wouldn't fall for someone unless they were relatively straightforward from the beginning. Even if I diverted my attention or wondered "what if," she seemed to be suspicious and think "hmm." So, she seems to be a serious person. It's normal to look at the person you're going to date properly, but in her case, she seems to be satisfied only if the other person is serious about her, and she wouldn't be satisfied if I seemed like a playboy. So, the higher power seems to have schemed various things to make an impression. It's difficult to become close to someone you've just met when you're older, so she probably became somewhat familiar with me when I was young. That's what the higher power's spirit taught me and instructed me to do. I thought, "Oh, is that so? That's an interesting idea. I don't know if it's true, but if that's the instruction, I guess I have no choice. Even so, will we not become strangers after decades?" I had doubts, but I had no choice but to obey. In fact, I can't take actions that are different from the instructions. If I try to take actions that are different from the instructions, my body won't move, so I end up obeying. However, it seems like the best option, so there's no problem with it. That's why a brilliant and good person who lives in a different world suddenly appeared in front of me (temporarily). I wondered, "Why is this person here?" But maybe that's what it was. Of course, this is just a story, and I don't know if it's true. However, I've written a lot, but compared to the bizarre things that might happen in the future, even this is just the beginning.
Further explanation. I used to think of myself as insensitive, and I'm still somewhat insensitive. However, this "insensitivity" is not about my senses, but rather, it's about whether I can understand the emotions and sensations that others understand. So, it's not that I'm insensitive, but that I can't understand the emotions and sensations that I don't know. I used to not know much about love, so I couldn't feel the love that others were giving me, which is a state of "insensitivity." That's because I didn't know much about love, so I couldn't understand the emotions and sensations of others. That's what "insensitivity" means, and as I learn about love, I can understand the love of others, and as that love deepens, I become less insensitive. Also, it's not just "insensitivity," but rather, there have been times when a forced intervention occurred, making me feel dazed and unable to recognize things when I tried to say, "I can't get too close to this person." That's also "insensitivity," but it's more of an intervention (from a higher power). The part of me that is "alive" thinks about "happiness" and "fulfillment," but the intervention from the higher power is always prioritized by the mission, and it doesn't really pay attention to my feelings. On the other hand, I think, "I wanted to get closer to that person," but the higher power says, "Yes, yes. There's a mission. You can't be with that person." My intentions are always ignored. Even though it's called a "mission," it's just a mission from the higher power's perspective, but for me, it's relatively free, and I can just get along normally without putting too much effort into it. The higher power's spirit first observes and looks for a person it likes, and then asks, "Would you like to try?" So, it's not just about the mission, but it also reflects preferences. Therefore, the other person (at least at the level of the spirit) probably agrees with the mission from the higher power, but how much they are aware of it (at the level of conscious awareness) is unknown. In general, people are often unaware of the mission from the higher power, especially at the beginning. Moreover, it's unlikely that anything will happen unless we reconnect after decades, so there's a high possibility that it's just a false alarm. We only had a few meals together, so it's not a long or deep relationship. So, I'm a little worried that she might not recognize me because my appearance might have changed. I think it's easy to recognize my face, so I think she will probably recognize me. However, I'm supposed to be shown the possibility by the higher power, but this kind of thing only happens if I agree to it, and even if I agree, there's a possibility that the other person won't agree (at the level of conscious awareness or spirit), or there might be further intervention that makes it not work out. So, it's still unclear whether it will actually become as bizarre as the higher power has instructed. For now, it's just one possibility.
During my university years, I discovered that even my classmates were being guided by a higher power for a specific purpose. There was a time when, despite many universities being nearby, my blind dates were exclusively with girls from T University, which was very strange. It turns out that, even before the target girl joined, there were repeated interventions from a higher power involving other classmates. This explained the mystery of why only T University girls were attending those blind dates. I often wondered, "What is this? It's strange... Again... Why only T University? Why are girls from such a minor university coming to these blind dates? Shouldn't girls from other universities be invited?" Sometimes, I even suspected that it was too biased and odd. That's why, despite many blind dates, couples were rarely formed, and the T University girls, while polite, seemed to have an invisible barrier. This was likely because people who weren't originally meant to be paired up were being involved for this purpose, so couples were unlikely to form. The blind dates were probably arranged due to higher-level reasons, which is why they rarely resulted in couples. I observed this from the sidelines, and at the time, I didn't fully understand it and made some misinterpretations. I wondered, "What is this? Why are so many girls from T University coming to these blind dates, even though they don't seem that enthusiastic? They all seem polite, but not really interested, maybe they're just curious? They're not even saying they're from T University, they're being vague and talking about universities in Tokyo, it's like they're trying to hide something, maybe they're just here to check things out. That's right, girls from my university wouldn't be considered by girls from T University." I was very puzzled and suspicious. However, those T University girls were actually good people. They were simply being involved by a higher power, and they were participating in a way that made it seem like it was their own choice, to ensure that the target girl felt comfortable. This explains the polite but somewhat distant attitude of those T University girls. They weren't intentionally scheming or having twisted personalities; they were just good people who were being manipulated by a higher power. The official reason, as far as I know, was that someone said, "We're interested in IT because of the IT revolution and the IT bubble," so that was the apparent reason. However, in reality, they were likely involved because of a higher power. I'm not completely convinced, but it makes sense and resonates with me.
After these events orchestrated by a higher power, the strange blind dates stopped abruptly. Then, when I attended other blind dates, they were completely normal, with no special arrangements. In that normal reality, I seemed to be treated as inferior compared to people who had houses in Tokyo, likely due to being from a rural area. Also, my clothing was not fashionable, so I was often ignored and treated as if I didn't exist, and I was often dismissed without a second thought. This suggests that the period with the special blind dates was an anomaly. Now, I think it's understandable why I was ignored. If I were a girl, I would probably choose someone who has a house in Tokyo. Regardless of personality, that's what most people would think. I didn't realize this reality when I first moved to Tokyo. I just thought I was unpopular, but in reality, I was being overlooked. Of course, some girls might not have cared, but it seemed like they were mostly ignoring me. It's difficult to form relationships with people who have fundamentally different attributes, and it seems like it's hard to build relationships without the intervention and guidance of a higher power. Now, I think that's the case. I remember that, in contrast, I was temporarily taken to a place with a much stronger materialistic focus (by a higher power), where I learned that there were many people who were specifically targeting high-status individuals. The contrast was very clear during that period. However, there are many genuine people.
By the way, a male classmate from my university was the same age as the target girl from T University, and he was the one who organized the blind dates. However, that classmate was incredibly talented, far beyond what my university could offer. He was supposed to go to a much better university, but a higher power intervened and made him study IT at that university. My university, when viewed from T University, was considered a relatively low-ranked institution, but at the time, the IT revolution was in full swing, and the university attracted early adopters interested in IT. That classmate was trusted by his high school friends and was also trusted by the target girl, so a higher power took notice of him. He was a very intelligent person who went to a university with a lower ranking than he should have, with a specific purpose, and he was respected by his classmates for that. However, a higher power intervened and made him go to that university, even changing his university, to involve the target girl from T University. This time, a higher power intervened in his consciousness and even changed his university, and then provided follow-up support. He was supposed to go to a good university and find a good job, so a higher power intervened again to bring him back to his original path. In this case, the classmate was a very "good" and considerate person, so a higher power likely helped him find a job as a form of gratitude.
Here's the translation:
In reality, similar stories exist in various places, and the higher-level spirits that intervene in my life are quite mischievous and often make outrageous requests. However, when the person involved is a good person, they intervene to create a better situation. Conversely, there are cases where they intervene to push things in a bad direction for bad people. In those cases, I intervened to steer things in a positive direction and received thanks for it.
While these stories contain various possibilities, it's unclear whether these clues are actually true. Nevertheless, after reflecting on these things, I feel like I've gained a better understanding of the concept of "love," so at least that part wasn't a waste of time. I've realized once again the importance of understanding emotions correctly. I've always thought that my life, including its failures, was perfect, but if some of these clues turn out to be true in the future, it would be too perfect. However, even when such intuitions arise, I tend to think "maybe" until something concrete manifests in reality. If the possibilities shown to me become a reality, my future would be very fulfilling. This clue seems to be more aligned with a larger purpose than a personal one. In reality, I've been shown more specific details, but I haven't yet reached the level of understanding that I've been given. During my student days, I briefly encountered someone, and that encounter served as a clue for my future mission, but it was more of a preliminary meeting than anything else. I'm unsure whether this mission is real, but for now, I'm keeping an open mind to the possibility that it might be.
To put it simply (and I'm not sure if it's true), in the future, I will possess a wealth of assets that I can't even imagine now, and I will donate to a certain organization. As mentioned elsewhere, that organization won't be able to use all the funds, and if they don't do anything, the money will simply go to the national treasury. So, I'm considering ways to make effective use of the funds, and I think it would be great to create a new trading company, especially one focused on women and run by women. I was looking at trading and consulting firms, hoping to find someone suitable, and then I came across this wonderful woman. She was not only highly skilled but also had a personality that I liked. I decided to pursue her, but initially, my direct approach didn't work, so I tried again after some time, and eventually, we started dating and even got married. However, my overly enthusiastic approach, especially considering the time that had passed, made her uncomfortable, so I realized that such a forceful approach was not the right way. I pondered how to make her reciprocate my feelings, and I thought, "Maybe I should have started dating her when she was younger." But I realized that she might not be mature enough at that age. Then, I considered becoming the boyfriend of one of her friends first, and then approaching her after she had become more emotionally stable. However, I didn't like the idea of "bouncing around" or having a casual attitude, and it seemed like she would sense that I was not genuine, so I abandoned that idea. I probably thought that she wouldn't give me a second chance unless I was sincere. So, I decided to first meet her during my university years, and then we would go our separate ways for a while, as the real importance of our relationship would come into play during my middle age. Until then, we would occasionally "bump into each other" on the street, and then we would reconnect when I was older. That's the plan, but the reality might be different. We'll see. I don't know what the future holds. Also, I wonder what "bumping into each other" means? Well, in reality, it seems to be exactly what it sounds like. One day, when I was in my early twenties, I was shown a scene during meditation or REM sleep. It was a scene of a day when I was walking from Ueno Park towards Ueno Station, and I suddenly remembered that someone stopped in front of me and was about to bump into me, so I was surprised and dodged. At the time, I just thought that I was about to bump into someone, but now, when I recall the scene shown to me during meditation or REM sleep, I wonder if that person was the woman from the university who was about to bump into me? Maybe she was the one who raised her hand slightly and called out to me? Maybe she was looking at my face? Maybe she stopped in front of me and was about to speak to me? It's been over 10 years, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I was just surprised that I was about to bump into someone and didn't even look at her face. However, she might have recognized me. No, it's a mystery. At the moment I was about to bump into her, I was just in a state of panic and surprise, so I didn't have time to think about anything else. But about 30 minutes later, I vaguely remembered thinking, "Could that be her?" It was too late. I'm so oblivious. It's extremely unlikely to run into someone in a crowded city like this, but there's no proof, and I didn't even notice her because I was surprised and just walked away. I wish she had called out my name or tapped me on the shoulder instead of just looking at me. But I probably didn't even know her name, as we had only had a few meals together. Maybe she didn't even recognize me because it had been so long. I'm not good at remembering faces, especially women, because they wear makeup, so it's difficult to distinguish their faces. I didn't ignore her; I just didn't recognize her. Later, I realized that she might have been the one. No, I'm so oblivious that I'm truly sorry. Also, at the time, I was still amazed by Tokyo, and I was walking around Ueno Park and Ueno Station, thinking, "Wow! There are so many shiny buildings and elevated trains! The intersection is so big! There are so many people walking around! Ueno is so glamorous!" I was like a country bumpkin who was just staring around, so my gaze might have been slightly directed towards her, but I was so fascinated by the scenery that I didn't even notice the faces of the people walking around. In that situation, even if someone suddenly stopped in front of me, I would just be surprised and wouldn't be able to focus on their face. I simply thought, "There are so many people in Tokyo. I need to be careful. I almost bumped into someone." Please understand. No, I don't know if that's actually what happened, but if it did, I'm sorry. There have also been other times when I think she recognized me in the street. Again, there's no way to confirm this, but it's unsettling. Maybe she's taken pictures of me several times? It's possible that our lives are closer than I thought. I didn't realize it, but maybe she's been "bumping into" me every 1 or 2 years, and while I haven't noticed, she's been paying attention to me, and she's probably wondering, "Why do I keep running into this person?" And then, she might have started taking pictures to keep a record of it. Is that possible? If we were to reconnect, it would be fun to see what happens. Maybe, just the other day, when I was riding my bike near Ueno Park, the girl who was taking pictures across the intersection might have been her? No, probably not. I only glanced at her, so I didn't see her face. Anyway, I don't know what happened before that. The area around Ueno and Ueno Station might be a "hotspot." No, probably not. This is just a story from my meditation. If it were real, it would be shocking. But I'll just keep an eye on things and see what happens. After all, even if what I saw in meditation is just my imagination, it's still an interesting story. It's fun to imagine, and it would be even more fun if it were real.
I don't know how much the student from T University was aware of her mission at the time, but women are generally more perceptive than men and can see into the future. So, there's a 20% chance that she was somewhat aware of her mission at that point. If that's the case, the reason she might have been displeased with me is that I was too incompetent, not awakened, and had little awareness of my mission. Perhaps she was displeased with me because I was unaware of my mission. That's a possibility. Or, she might have realized it later. That's also possible. It's easy to tell who is the person to fulfill the mission if you have some awareness, but since it's something that happens later in life, it's important to develop your skills first. Ultimately, it might have been better to stay apart. Emotionally, it would have been better to be close, but that wouldn't have worked out in the end. It's been decades since then, and she might already be aware of her mission.
Well, that's what I think, but what do you think? I don't know if it's true or not.
Also, this matter seems to be related to other timelines. In a previous timeline, we became friends, but she was acting like a cat. In this timeline, we clashed intensely at first, which revealed her true nature. Looking back, I was always puzzled by her cat-like behavior in the previous timeline, and when I decided to redo this timeline, I thought it would be a good opportunity to see her true nature. So, when I had dinner with her for the first time, I had a strange attitude and expression, but at the time, I didn't fully understand the background. Now, I think it was because of the previous timeline.
Furthermore, I've learned that it's not necessary to redo everything to change the timeline, although some familiarity and effort are required. However, the basic approach is to redo everything. But, it seems that it's possible to intervene and modify certain aspects without having to redo everything. This involves remembering (or rather, something that's not exactly normal memory) the "aura" or "atmosphere" of the modified parts, and then restoring and recalling that memory at key points to modify the timeline only in those specific areas. However, there might be times when things get mixed up and don't work properly. In this case, it seems that instead of redrawing everything, only certain parts were changed.
In general terms, in timelines that are economically quite affluent, there was a limit to spiritual growth. Because I had experienced the limits of life in several timelines, I decided to "redo" it. I thought, "Let's see what happens if I push her to the very bottom of life." As a result, I placed people who would do terrible moral harassment, abuse, and violence around her, especially during her youth. Surprisingly, this was effective, allowing her to re-examine her spiritual side and gain various insights. In reality, looking at her youth, the affluent timeline had a much better "aura" or "vibration." However, she became arrogant due to her wealth, which made it difficult for her to achieve spiritual growth in her middle age. In this timeline, her "aura" or "vibration" during her youth was the worst, and she fell to the very bottom. However, what I realized from that was, "You can only understand the reality of this world by falling to the very bottom." Even if angels or gods try to explain things, you can't understand it unless you actually experience the bottom. And, the task in this life (timeline) was to fall and then rise again.
Related to that, it seems that in some previous timelines, I had already had a close relationship with the student from T University. That's why, even though there wasn't much happening in this timeline, she was somehow paying attention to me and having near misses. This was because of the connection we had in the previous timeline (a parallel timeline). In that timeline, she was acting like a cat, and I couldn't quite understand her true feelings, but we had a fairly deep relationship. However, now that I've decided to redo this timeline, it's a good opportunity to reveal her true nature. So, I acted strangely at first, and that's how I finally saw her true self. And, I realized that even though she acts like a cat, she's a good person at heart. And, I finally understood the true face of that girl, which had been a mystery since the previous timeline. Although I think we were basically on good terms in other timelines, I felt that she was acting like a cat, and I couldn't quite understand her true nature, which made me feel uneasy. However, by contacting her when she was a young freshman in this timeline, I was able to understand her true nature, which resolved the long-standing questions I had. This happened when we first met, so I didn't realize what it meant at the time. But, it seems that she was actually a girl with whom I had a deep connection.
In another timeline, I managed to secure funding as planned, but because the other person neglected to acquire the business skills and knowledge that were their role, that timeline was deemed a "failure" by the higher power. We were supposed to have distinct roles: I was responsible for funding, and they were responsible for business. However, in a timeline where I secured funding at a young age, they became uninterested in working and became a housewife. Later, she tried to start a business, remembering her original role, but because she was a housewife instead of starting a career like consulting, she had to learn everything from scratch, which caused stress and prevented her from effectively utilizing the funds. So, there were timelines where I succeeded early, but because she became a housewife, things didn't go well. In fact, even in the timeline where I secured funding, I experienced various conflicts and uncertainties, so I wasn't as spiritually advanced or at peace as I am in this current timeline. Based on this, the higher power seems to have determined that it's best for us to both work on acquiring the necessary knowledge, skills, and funding until we reach middle age, and then come together to leverage our respective skills in funding and business.
According to the higher power, other people might encounter problems like being motivated by money, having one-sided or possessive love, or causing their spouses to become angry. However, the person from T University seems to be problem-free, and they actually have a mission assigned to them. Therefore, if I were to marry someone else, it would be considered a "bad ending" by the higher power, as if the player made the wrong choice in the game of life. To achieve the "ideal ending" in the game of life, there are several hurdles to overcome. First, I need to make sure she doesn't fall for anyone else. Then, I need to achieve financial stability. And then, there are other demands that seem unreasonable. It's not enough for us to simply be together; we must both fulfill our respective roles. If I fail to secure funding, it will be a bad ending, and I'll have to restart my life. Similarly, if she fails to acquire business skills, it will also be a bad ending. It feels like if we fail at anything, we might have to restart our lives. Well, let's see what happens.
In order to lay the foundation for that, I've essentially hit rock bottom. And now, by hitting rock bottom, various mysteries that were unclear in previous timelines are starting to become clear.
Also, (I'm generally skeptical of the concept of twin souls), but it's possible that she has a soul that could be considered my twin soul. This is because she has similar fashion sense, a wide range of expressions, a complex and hard-to-understand personality, and mannerisms that are very similar to mine. Twin souls are said to be separated fragments from the same group soul, so our souls are likely very close, or we may have had a long relationship. Our vibrations are very similar. I've rarely met someone like her.
Furthermore, just recently, while I was traveling in Beppu and walking from a restaurant to my hotel, I noticed that the person in the car parked in the parking lot was staring at me. I didn't pay much attention and just walked past, but now that I think about it, the car's position was strange for being parked there, and it seemed like she was struggling with parallel parking, as the car was parked at an angle and in a somewhat awkward position. Perhaps she was trying to maneuver, but a pedestrian came along, so she was waiting for me to pass. Now that I think about it, that driver might have been her. Is this just overthinking? I can't imagine meeting her so far away. But I'll make a note of it.
Mental recovery after moving to Tokyo.
During that time, I no longer had the will to even consider suicide or death; I was simply in a state of hazy consciousness. I believe it takes considerable willpower to even think about suicide. Even when I momentarily considered it, a barrage of distracting thoughts would immediately arise, creating confusion and preventing me from reaching that point. I was simply in a state of confusion, unable to concentrate on anything.
While I did feel affection for my mother, I was often ridiculed by my father whenever I tried to do something, and I was occasionally beaten by him. I also experienced what is now considered emotional abuse from my mother, and I was often treated as a "bad child" and scolded. My mother would repeatedly tell me, in front of me, "This child will go to university, earn a lot of money, and give money to her mother," which, in retrospect, seems like a strange motivation. While I understand that some people might think that, it's odd for a mother to say that repeatedly in front of her child. Nevertheless, my mother's motivation for loving me seemed to be based on that. I've heard from others that they've never met a mother like that. Of course, there are probably people who think that in their hearts. While I believe that love is more than that, her motivation seemed overly focused on immediate benefits.
Growing up in such a family environment, I unconsciously began to associate love with being scolded and hit, and with "giving." Later, I developed a tendency to feel love only when I was strictly controlled by women, to feel love only when I was ordered and bound by women, to feel pleasure in being exploited by women, to feel obligated to give everything women asked for, and to be motivated by seeing women happy when I gave them something. I also felt pleasure in being used as a "giving" type, even though I knew it, and I often found myself trying to please women even when I wasn't rewarded, and I felt more joy in those unrewarded situations than in situations where I would be rewarded. Sometimes, when I tried to please them, I would hide a part of my heart that wanted to be appreciated, a part that secretly wished to be rejected and mistreated, a part that wanted to be rejected even though I wanted to be accepted. This distorted motivation made me sensitive to being noticed by truly good women, who would be drawn to me, or it fostered a distorted mental state that made it difficult for me to express my feelings directly or to love someone directly. (Although, I didn't actually give as much as I thought I did.)
Later, even when truly good women appeared, it was difficult to have a normal relationship due to this constraint. Conversely, I was often drawn to strange women who were controlling, and it took a long time to escape from that control by moving to a different city. For some reason, even when a truly good woman was in front of me, I couldn't react to her, and my physical reactions were only drawn to strange, emotionally unstable, or exploitative women. I struggled with this physiological reaction for a while. I wondered why I was always drawn to strange women instead of being attracted to truly wonderful women. Also, I thought that truly wonderful women would be unhappy if they were involved with someone like me, and I wanted them to find happiness with good men. I had a very low self-esteem. Even when I felt a slight affection for truly good women, I would hesitate to act on it. According to the explanation in the higher-level guide, my heart was so closed that it wouldn't open unless it was shocked, so I wished for that. It was said that my distortion was not only caused by the original cause but also reinforced by the desire for unrewarded situations for different reasons.
Just like the people who ridiculed me in the countryside, there are similar people in the world. After moving to the city, there were people who, without even knowing me, would look at my face and immediately say, "Ah, it's you! I found you! Let's do it! We've found a convenient victim!" and then laugh and look down on me. I realized that there were such people everywhere. Even so, by the time I graduated from university and started working, I began to notice that "this is not right" and started to resist. However, when I resisted, my relatives would say, "It's your fault," as if I was the one at fault. When I was upset because my relatives were laughing at me, they would smile and look down and say, "You are surrounded by enemies. Look around. Your attitude is wrong. You are surrounded by enemies." This is what they actually said. It seemed like they wanted me to go back to the old days, to be quiet and act like a cat or a dog. They were looking down on me because I wasn't acting like I used to.
Since I started university and moved to the city, the relationship with my family and relatives began to change. Sometimes, when I returned to my parents' house or relatives' homes, I would resist their unwarranted ridicule and criticism, and I would get "slightly irritated" and resist them. They would say things like, "You are surrounded by enemies," and my relatives would say that. It was clear that my relatives, my father, and my brother were the ones at fault for repeatedly engaging in unwarranted ridicule. They made me feel like I was at fault, and they would say, "You are wrong," and sometimes they would say it directly, "You are wrong." It seemed like there were people everywhere who were laughing at me, and being in such an environment for a long time made me unconsciously think that it was normal, and I would stop thinking and accept it at the time.
After graduating from high school and moving out, the strange mental state gradually improved, but for a while, it was impossible to resist, especially towards the father, brother, relatives, and people who engaged in moral harassment. I passively accepted insults and followed others, as if smiling. Looking back, I was completely mentally controlled at that time. I couldn't even resist, and I didn't have the will to resist. I just passively accepted the slander and belittlement from my father, brother, and relatives. In such a situation, I couldn't even feel genuine love, and my mental state was so unstable that I couldn't study properly.
My mother constantly tried to make me buy land in the countryside or hinted that she wanted money from me, trying to get me to spend money. I avoided these requests, but eventually, she became depressed, and her "mentally unstable" aura overwhelmed me when she called. I would often stay in bed for several days, or even if I went to school or work, I would have headaches, dizziness, and a feeling of losing consciousness for several days, which hindered my studies and work. I always realized the power of my mother's "mentally unstable" state. Even when my mother persistently complained about not having money or wanting land, I avoided her on the phone. However, as time went on, her depression and "mentally unstable" state intensified. Eventually, I became annoyed and said, "Stop it! Don't call me anymore," and we only communicated through email for a while. This seemed to accelerate her "mentally unstable" state in the countryside, but it was somewhat self-inflicted. There's no medicine for a mother like that. Perhaps it's because she had expectations for me, but I didn't realize it at the time, but now I think I was deliberately failing and disappointing her to lower her expectations. For example, I didn't study much in high school, and I didn't even want to go to university. Even though the world was experiencing an IT revolution, I was forced to study useless subjects at university, and I was forbidden from working. I thought that if I dropped out of university and joined an IT venture, I might have gotten stock options and become rich by now. However, if I mentioned such things, my mother would become enraged with her "mentally unstable" power, and I would be in a state where I couldn't resist, and I couldn't even tell the truth. I would create ridiculous answers that I thought my mother would be "What are you talking about?" and act as if I wanted to do those things, just to appease her. As expected, my mother would be annoyed and say, "What are you doing?" and "You should do what your mother says." However, my mother didn't trust me enough to confide in her, so I couldn't even tell her what I really wanted. I was afraid that if I told her the truth and she denied it, I might have a mental breakdown like I did in high school, so I couldn't tell her the truth. I just gave her ridiculous answers and appeased her, and she would say, "See, a foolish son should just listen to his mother," as usual.
As a result, I missed many opportunities and ended up going to a boring university and getting a mundane job. During university, it was the IT bubble era, and I had a rare opportunity to receive stock options while working part-time in the web industry. Now, I think that if I had been more proactive, I could have had a different life. I missed opportunities because of my mother's lack of understanding and control, but if I explained that to her, it would be useless to say anything to someone who is bound by old values. Also, I didn't fully understand the situation at the time, so I couldn't make a decision with confidence. So, I think I was just not good enough. My mother, who wanted me to be rich, missed the opportunity for me to become rich because of her own control, so it's somewhat self-inflicted. After a while, I mentioned these things briefly, but I don't know how much my mother understood. That's the extent of the trust between my mother and me. On the other hand, my mother seems to think that she knows me well, but the understanding of a "mentally unstable" mother towards her child is actually only to that extent.
Meanwhile, my mother, frustrated and somewhat resigned to the fact that she couldn't get much money from me, was still exhibiting some "mentally unstable mother" symptoms, although not as severe as before, and our relationship was relatively normal. However, things were much worse back then. Love is fundamentally based on family and close relationships, and I believe that distortions in family and kinship relationships can lead to problems later in life. Even recently, she occasionally reverts to being a "mentally unstable mother," but I've become accustomed to saying "okay" and hanging up, which prevents the situation from escalating. In the past, if I didn't engage with her for a long time, her "mental instability" would worsen, making things difficult. While she's somewhat recovered now, I doubt she'll ever fully heal.
Not only my mother, but I've also been told various things by others. The issue is that some people believe that others should act according to their desires, and they think it's "strange" when someone doesn't. However, this is simply their perspective, and their way of thinking is what's wrong. These types of people often assert their opinions forcefully, which can be tempting to accept, but it's important to remember that their opinions are irrelevant, and we should simply ignore them. For example, there's a saying, "A man's shame is not having a table set for him," but if a woman who likes me doesn't notice me and someone else says, "You're strange for not responding to her feelings," I don't care. While it might be natural for that person to expect a table to be set, I was simply not interested in that woman at the time, and I still don't understand why they were laughing at me. My relatives and father would laugh at things I didn't understand, and I often couldn't even remember what they were laughing about. As a result, a relationship developed where my relatives would simply laugh at me for no apparent reason. This was a very abnormal situation, but I didn't understand what was happening at the time. The people around me would say things as if it were natural, as if I was to blame for not understanding, but I didn't need to pay attention to them. To respond, I would have to understand their arguments, but I often couldn't understand what they were trying to say, so I couldn't respond. Moreover, since their arguments were often one-sided and arbitrary, there was no need to engage with them. While I was told many things, they were mostly trivial, such as "you're not married" or "you don't have a girlfriend." Ultimately, it seemed like my relatives, father, and brother were using me as a target to vent their frustrations and boost their self-esteem. While I may have been an easy target, it's not right for them to criticize and mock me without reason. I was drawn to women who seemed kind and gentle, but they often turned out to be "Pure Bitch" who were trying to use me or manipulate me. I also experienced rejection and harsh treatment from these women. At the time, I should have valued the women who were genuinely interested in me, even if they were a little "tsundere," but I mistakenly thought that the "Pure Bitch" were better. I simply lacked the ability to judge people. Furthermore, the truly good women were rare, and they would only express their sadness without being "tsundere." However, even with these women, I would often approach them with a cautious attitude, and nothing would come of it.
As a result, I became wary of women who approached me, wondering if they were genuinely interested in me or if they were just trying to use me. If they were genuinely interested, they were good people, but if they were trying to use me, they were "Pure Bitch." This led to a period where I was afraid of women. I couldn't distinguish between good women and "Pure Bitch."
When I was interested in a woman, I would always approach her with caution, which sometimes made her impatient. When I saw her impatience, my "danger" sensor would go off, and I would distance myself. However, this would only make her more upset, and I would interpret her behavior as that of a "scary girl." In reality, her frustration was simply a natural reaction to being in love, but I didn't understand that at the time. This cycle of becoming wary, getting frustrated, distancing myself, and then becoming even more upset often led to a lack of intimacy and eventually, a breakdown in the relationship. On the other hand, the "Pure Bitch" who seemed kind and gentle often tried to use me or manipulate me, or they might not have even been aware of my existence. However, I was often drawn to these "Pure Bitch" and rejected or mistreated by them. At the time, I should have valued the women who were genuinely interested in me, even if they were a little "tsundere," but I mistakenly thought that the "Pure Bitch" were better. I simply lacked the ability to judge people.
This is probably something that children who grew up with domestic violence from a parent of the opposite sex might also say. I was hit by my mother until I was in junior high school, so I have both affection and caution towards women. Thinking back, it's possible that the other person, like the university student, might have been wary of me, glancing sideways and trying to figure out what to do, perhaps because they also had some emotional scars. Now that I think about it, I can see those signs of inner turmoil in their behavior. It takes a lot of studying to get into a university like that, and it's possible they were studying all the time, and it's also said that there's often pressure from their parents. Universities, while seeming glamorous, might also be places where people with hidden emotional scars exist. While these issues might generally be resolved after graduating and gaining experience, it's not surprising that first-year students might still have some emotional baggage. I didn't understand these things back then. However, this understanding is based on my experiences during meditation and flashbacks, so it might have been completely different for the person involved. It's something I can't verify now.
Incidentally, my relatives, since I moved to Tokyo, seem to have started criticizing people around them because they no longer have someone like me to talk to. For example, one of my uncles started belittling his wife, and she started to react with a "hmpf," leading to a strained relationship. He eventually quit his small business and, while he used to be well-off, he's now living a withdrawn life on a pension. Later, he started lashing out at people around him, and he's now seen as someone who has gone crazy. Another uncle used to belittle me, but now he seems to have become smaller and more withdrawn. There are also people who used to belittle me and brag about my failures, but now they're divorced, have quit their IT jobs, and are working as delivery drivers or cleaners. I wonder what they were thinking when they said so many condescending things to me. I think it was mostly to boost their own self-esteem.
I've recently realized that it's a waste of time to associate with such trivial relatives, and I now think it would have been better to keep things to a minimum. However, back then, I was looking for a place to belong, even if it meant being looked down upon. That's how affection and criticism were intertwined within me from a young age.
Looking at it this way, it's not good to look down on or brag about others, even if they are children. Children can grow up quickly and change dramatically. Moreover, such behavior is simply not polite. Belittling children, as I experienced, can have a negative impact on them for decades and can hinder their potential. It's better to recognize their potential. Since they have the potential to grow and change, children have infinite possibilities.
Being in such an environment, I gradually developed a "habit" of such behavior, and I often found myself belittling others and getting into trouble when I was young. I didn't originally have a tendency to mock others, but after being subjected to such behavior for a long time, I sometimes found myself doing the same things, which led to self-loathing, and I was troubled by my own unconscious reactions that I couldn't control. So, it wasn't just that I was being mocked, but I was also shocked and upset by the fact that I was gradually developing the same qualities within myself. Even when I did something wrong, it was difficult to recognize my behavior and correct it, and I struggled with this for decades. I probably haven't been able to completely overcome it yet, and it's something I need to work on in the future. My relatives, my father, and my brother are people who laugh and rejoice at the misfortune of others, especially my father and brother, who seem to find pleasure in the misfortune of others. When I made a mistake, they would widen their eyes and laugh loudly, and I often found myself conforming to that behavior, and it seems that some of that behavior was passed on to me. Even now, I still struggle with correcting such negative behaviors. On the other hand, it has also had a distorted influence on my way of showing affection. Especially when I was young, I was often drawn to women who were S types and abused me. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't seem to overcome my preferences, and I struggled to find someone who wasn't an S type. I often found myself drawn to very kind women, but I was somehow drawn to abusive S women, and sometimes I would even demand that they "abuse" me, which caused problems for the women I was with. Experiencing moral harassment and abuse as a child can lead to long-term struggles, and not only is it harmful, but the tendency to imitate and perpetuate such behavior can be a hindrance in relationships.
People with good upbringing would never exhibit such rude behavior; therefore, I believe that kindness is rooted in a good upbringing. The more one studies, the more the environment improves, and the more people with good upbringing emerge. Studying leads to a better environment, better friends, and ultimately, a better partner. Good people generally choose intelligent partners, so to be chosen by a good person, one must first study diligently. Studying can also help avoid problems and influence relationships and partner selection. Intelligence is reflected in one's appearance, and while beauty is to some extent necessary, it is not as important as intelligence and character, unless it is physiologically repulsive. Therefore, it is important to study diligently from a young age to meet intelligent people and be chosen by them. On the other hand, once one has formed unhealthy relationships and is facing problems, it is difficult to correct these fundamental issues as an adult.
Currently, I am experiencing conflicting emotions. I still have some ingrained feelings of mockery, but I also feel a growing sense of love and compassion, often to the point of tears. It would be easier if I only felt one way, but I sometimes feel sadness and empathy while also experiencing remnants of that old mocking feeling, which seems to stem from the abuse I experienced in my youth. I am not yet completely free from its influence, and I sometimes struggle with the complexity of my emotions. Recently, these ingrained feelings have become less frequent, so I am usually fine, but I sometimes have to be careful that these old feelings don't surface and lead to misunderstandings.
In my case, I was raised by a mother with a good upbringing, and I also experienced the upbringing and character of my father and brother, which were not as good. As a result, I possess both my mother's politeness and some of my father and brother's rudeness. This situation aligns with a plan I made before I was born (i.e., a plan set for me by a group soul) to "understand the psychology of people in the lower strata and find a path for people at the bottom to become spiritual and grow." By understanding how people like my father and brother, and some of my relatives, are twisted and live with jealousy and contempt, I intended to temporarily put myself in a similar situation to understand that psychology and then elevate my spirit from that situation to return to a normal state. I believe that I have largely achieved this goal in this life. Whether it is true or not, the intention of the group soul, before my soul was divided, was that "people are struggling and want spiritual growth, but they don't see a path for it." Even if someone wants spiritual growth, they remain in pain if their minds are at the bottom. There were few people who could provide answers to those in need. Therefore, I was created as a soul to understand the psychology of the bottom by temporarily putting myself in that situation and finding a way to rise from it. My understanding of love in this life is also in line with that path. I have learned that without love, one makes many misunderstandings. While I had this pre-set purpose, in most cases, such a roundabout approach is unnecessary, and it is better to simply understand love from the beginning.
I probably lacked some fundamental aspects. Because I was too lenient, I accepted other people's opinions, which led to confusion. I even adopted the opinions of immoral people, which I should not have done. After struggling for a long time, I finally understood the simple principle of keeping distance from twisted people. True love can only exist in a moral, virtuous, and polite environment. People at the bottom live with their own sexual desires, and that is perfectly fine for them. Therefore, we should simply live our own happiness without interfering with each other. These are not comparable, but rather different aspects of happiness. It is important to be honest with oneself and choose the form of love that feels most comfortable, and there is no need to judge others.
I have come to understand not only the concept of love but also that people have different understandings of it, and that there are different forms of love and happiness at different stages.
Hello, I've come to realize that while I've become close with many girls (not in a physical way, but through conversations and shared interests), I've only fallen in love a few times. Now, I'm finally understanding love and affection, and I feel like I've been born into a different world.
I've realized that many people are unfamiliar with the concept of "heartfelt love," while they may be familiar with "passionate love." It's difficult to find someone who reciprocates "heartfelt love" when you're seeking it, especially when the other person is unfamiliar with the concept. When I was younger, I often withdrew when I sensed that someone wasn't interested in me, but that was a harsh expectation. It's unfair to expect "heartfelt love" from someone when you yourself may not fully understand it.
Some people seek "spark" in a relationship, but I believe that if your heart is open, you're likely to find someone. People who are actively seeking "spark" are often closed off emotionally. Those with open hearts don't always talk about "spark." While there are special moments of "spark" with certain people, many people with open hearts are already in relationships. Those who are less open-hearted tend to remain single, and it's understandable that some of them later complain about the lack of "spark." I believe that simply being approached by someone is enough to be grateful for. Rejecting someone because you don't feel "spark" is disrespectful to those who are brave enough to approach you. Of course, honesty is essential, but if someone honest approaches you, you should consider it even if you don't immediately feel "spark." On the other hand, people with open hearts are often attractive and have plenty of options, so they don't need to worry about this. It's best to choose a partner who is also open-hearted. There are many wonderful women like that in Japan. When choosing a partner, it's more important to consider whether the other person is honest than whether you'll fall in love. If you do fall in love, that's a bonus, and if the other person is open-hearted, that's even better. It's all about finding a balance. If you're not at the same level, you might burden the other person.
It's important to be realistic and avoid being overly ambitious. I've noticed that many people who seek "heartfelt love" or "passionate love" struggle in relationships and may end up not getting married or being unhappy in their marriages. Conversely, many people end up with "good" people and have relatively happy lives. Perhaps, those who struggle in relationships have unrealistic expectations and seek things like "heartfelt love" from their partners. They set conditions for their partners' behavior, which prevents them from approaching others or rejecting them when they do approach. They may also set unrealistic expectations for their partners in marriage. It's better to focus on whether you like someone and pursue them, and if one person loves the other, that's often enough. It may seem obvious, but people often unconsciously set high expectations for their partners, such as "the other person must like me to some extent." It's better to lower those expectations or even eliminate them altogether. Instead, it's a good idea to assess whether the other person has morals and common sense. If at least one person has "heartfelt love," the relationship is likely to work out. It's difficult to find someone who understands "heartfelt love," so it's best to seek someone with morals and common sense. Over time, even someone with morals may develop some affection, which is enough to be happy.
On the other hand, if you fall in love with someone who doesn't even know affection, you will continue to be exploited. Even if your partner knows affection, if their focus is elsewhere, you will not be rewarded, and because you know "love," you tend to become "the one who gives," which can lead to a pattern of being exploited without even realizing it, as you are constantly having your money taken. This is something to be careful of. If you fall in love with someone who lacks common sense and morals, you may end up becoming "the woman who provides" or "an obvious ATM," and be exploited. This may happen at the level of affection, where you might realize it and get angry or leave. However, when it happens with "love," it is troublesome, and you will be exploited until your body and mind are completely exhausted. This is also where good people (people who know "love") are often deceived by bad men and women. After falling in love, you may unconsciously approach them again, but it is important to check whether the other person has common sense and morals, or at least whether they have affection for you, and to carefully consider whether that affection is truly directed towards you before you approach them. My mother came from a fairly wealthy family, but my father's family was the poorest in the city. My father was clearly after my mother's family's wealth, and in reality, he continued to be exploited and have his assets wasted by my father and his relatives. My mother was always crying. It is important to be careful not to fall into such a pattern. The current trend of people getting involved with host clubs and accumulating debt is also related to this. My father did everything: drinking, gambling, and spending money, and he was also verbally abusive. He would yell at me and laugh at others for trivial things. He eventually died of illness, leaving only a few tens of thousands of yen in his wallet and almost empty bank accounts. He seemed to be having fun from the outside, but he was a combination of a poverty god and a plague god. He was always talking about money, and that was because my mother was supporting him financially and suffering in silence. I wonder how my mother managed to stay married to such a low-life man for nearly 50 years. If you love the wrong partner, you will struggle and ruin your life. Perhaps women (especially in the past, during the Showa era) are too strong and end up supporting them. I don't know if I am similar to my mother, but sometimes I unknowingly show affection to a hopeless woman, and there have been times when I was almost taken advantage of or got into dangerous situations.
While I did feel affection for my mother, I was often ridiculed by my father whenever I tried to do something, and I was occasionally beaten by him. I also experienced what is now considered emotional abuse from my mother, and I was often treated as a "bad child" and scolded. My mother would repeatedly tell me, in front of me, "This child will go to university, earn a lot of money, and give money to her mother," which, in retrospect, seems like a strange motivation. While I understand that some people might think that, it's odd for a mother to say that repeatedly in front of her child. Nevertheless, my mother's motivation for loving me seemed to be based on that. I've heard from others that they've never met a mother like that. Of course, there are probably people who think that in their hearts. While I believe that love is more than that, her motivation seemed overly focused on immediate benefits.
Growing up in such a family environment, I unconsciously began to associate love with being scolded and hit, and with "giving." Later, I developed a tendency to feel love only when I was strictly controlled by women, to feel love only when I was ordered and bound by women, to feel pleasure in being exploited by women, to feel obligated to give everything women asked for, and to be motivated by seeing women happy when I gave them something. I also felt pleasure in being used as a "giving" type, even though I knew it, and I often found myself trying to please women even when I wasn't rewarded, and I felt more joy in those unrewarded situations than in situations where I would be rewarded. Sometimes, when I tried to please them, I would hide a part of my heart that wanted to be appreciated, a part that secretly wished to be rejected and mistreated, a part that wanted to be rejected even though I wanted to be accepted. This distorted motivation made me sensitive to being noticed by truly good women, who would be drawn to me, or it fostered a distorted mental state that made it difficult for me to express my feelings directly or to love someone directly. (Although, I didn't actually give as much as I thought I did.)
Later, even when truly good women appeared, it was difficult to have a normal relationship due to this constraint. Conversely, I was often drawn to strange women who were controlling, and it took a long time to escape from that control by moving to a different city. For some reason, even when a truly good woman was in front of me, I couldn't react to her, and my physical reactions were only drawn to strange, emotionally unstable, or exploitative women. I struggled with this physiological reaction for a while. I wondered why I was always drawn to strange women instead of being attracted to truly wonderful women. Also, I thought that truly wonderful women would be unhappy if they were involved with someone like me, and I wanted them to find happiness with good men. I had a very low self-esteem. Even when I felt a slight affection for truly good women, I would hesitate to act on it. According to the explanation in the higher-level guide, my heart was so closed that it wouldn't open unless it was shocked, so I wished for that. It was said that my distortion was not only caused by the original cause but also reinforced by the desire for unrewarded situations for different reasons.
Just like the people who ridiculed me in the countryside, there are similar people in the world. After moving to the city, there were people who, without even knowing me, would look at my face and immediately say, "Ah, it's you! I found you! Let's do it! We've found a convenient victim!" and then laugh and look down on me. I realized that there were such people everywhere. Even so, by the time I graduated from university and started working, I began to notice that "this is not right" and started to resist. However, when I resisted, my relatives would say, "It's your fault," as if I was the one at fault. When I was upset because my relatives were laughing at me, they would smile and look down and say, "You are surrounded by enemies. Look around. Your attitude is wrong. You are surrounded by enemies." This is what they actually said. It seemed like they wanted me to go back to the old days, to be quiet and act like a cat or a dog. They were looking down on me because I wasn't acting like I used to.
Since I started university and moved to the city, the relationship with my family and relatives began to change. Sometimes, when I returned to my parents' house or relatives' homes, I would resist their unwarranted ridicule and criticism, and I would get "slightly irritated" and resist them. They would say things like, "You are surrounded by enemies," and my relatives would say that. It was clear that my relatives, my father, and my brother were the ones at fault for repeatedly engaging in unwarranted ridicule. They made me feel like I was at fault, and they would say, "You are wrong," and sometimes they would say it directly, "You are wrong." It seemed like there were people everywhere who were laughing at me, and being in such an environment for a long time made me unconsciously think that it was normal, and I would stop thinking and accept it at the time.
After graduating from high school and moving out, the strange mental state gradually improved, but for a while, it was impossible to resist, especially towards the father, brother, relatives, and people who engaged in moral harassment. I passively accepted insults and followed others, as if smiling. Looking back, I was completely mentally controlled at that time. I couldn't even resist, and I didn't have the will to resist. I just passively accepted the slander and belittlement from my father, brother, and relatives. In such a situation, I couldn't even feel genuine love, and my mental state was so unstable that I couldn't study properly.
My mother constantly tried to make me buy land in the countryside or hinted that she wanted money from me, trying to get me to spend money. I avoided these requests, but eventually, she became depressed, and her "mentally unstable" aura overwhelmed me when she called. I would often stay in bed for several days, or even if I went to school or work, I would have headaches, dizziness, and a feeling of losing consciousness for several days, which hindered my studies and work. I always realized the power of my mother's "mentally unstable" state. Even when my mother persistently complained about not having money or wanting land, I avoided her on the phone. However, as time went on, her depression and "mentally unstable" state intensified. Eventually, I became annoyed and said, "Stop it! Don't call me anymore," and we only communicated through email for a while. This seemed to accelerate her "mentally unstable" state in the countryside, but it was somewhat self-inflicted. There's no medicine for a mother like that. Perhaps it's because she had expectations for me, but I didn't realize it at the time, but now I think I was deliberately failing and disappointing her to lower her expectations. For example, I didn't study much in high school, and I didn't even want to go to university. Even though the world was experiencing an IT revolution, I was forced to study useless subjects at university, and I was forbidden from working. I thought that if I dropped out of university and joined an IT venture, I might have gotten stock options and become rich by now. However, if I mentioned such things, my mother would become enraged with her "mentally unstable" power, and I would be in a state where I couldn't resist, and I couldn't even tell the truth. I would create ridiculous answers that I thought my mother would be "What are you talking about?" and act as if I wanted to do those things, just to appease her. As expected, my mother would be annoyed and say, "What are you doing?" and "You should do what your mother says." However, my mother didn't trust me enough to confide in her, so I couldn't even tell her what I really wanted. I was afraid that if I told her the truth and she denied it, I might have a mental breakdown like I did in high school, so I couldn't tell her the truth. I just gave her ridiculous answers and appeased her, and she would say, "See, a foolish son should just listen to his mother," as usual.
As a result, I missed many opportunities and ended up going to a boring university and getting a mundane job. During university, it was the IT bubble era, and I had a rare opportunity to receive stock options while working part-time in the web industry. Now, I think that if I had been more proactive, I could have had a different life. I missed opportunities because of my mother's lack of understanding and control, but if I explained that to her, it would be useless to say anything to someone who is bound by old values. Also, I didn't fully understand the situation at the time, so I couldn't make a decision with confidence. So, I think I was just not good enough. My mother, who wanted me to be rich, missed the opportunity for me to become rich because of her own control, so it's somewhat self-inflicted. After a while, I mentioned these things briefly, but I don't know how much my mother understood. That's the extent of the trust between my mother and me. On the other hand, my mother seems to think that she knows me well, but the understanding of a "mentally unstable" mother towards her child is actually only to that extent.
Meanwhile, my mother, frustrated and somewhat resigned to the fact that she couldn't get much money from me, was still exhibiting some "mentally unstable mother" symptoms, although not as severe as before, and our relationship was relatively normal. However, things were much worse back then. Love is fundamentally based on family and close relationships, and I believe that distortions in family and kinship relationships can lead to problems later in life. Even recently, she occasionally reverts to being a "mentally unstable mother," but I've become accustomed to saying "okay" and hanging up, which prevents the situation from escalating. In the past, if I didn't engage with her for a long time, her "mental instability" would worsen, making things difficult. While she's somewhat recovered now, I doubt she'll ever fully heal.
Not only my mother, but I've also been told various things by others. The issue is that some people believe that others should act according to their desires, and they think it's "strange" when someone doesn't. However, this is simply their perspective, and their way of thinking is what's wrong. These types of people often assert their opinions forcefully, which can be tempting to accept, but it's important to remember that their opinions are irrelevant, and we should simply ignore them. For example, there's a saying, "A man's shame is not having a table set for him," but if a woman who likes me doesn't notice me and someone else says, "You're strange for not responding to her feelings," I don't care. While it might be natural for that person to expect a table to be set, I was simply not interested in that woman at the time, and I still don't understand why they were laughing at me. My relatives and father would laugh at things I didn't understand, and I often couldn't even remember what they were laughing about. As a result, a relationship developed where my relatives would simply laugh at me for no apparent reason. This was a very abnormal situation, but I didn't understand what was happening at the time. The people around me would say things as if it were natural, as if I was to blame for not understanding, but I didn't need to pay attention to them. To respond, I would have to understand their arguments, but I often couldn't understand what they were trying to say, so I couldn't respond. Moreover, since their arguments were often one-sided and arbitrary, there was no need to engage with them. While I was told many things, they were mostly trivial, such as "you're not married" or "you don't have a girlfriend." Ultimately, it seemed like my relatives, father, and brother were using me as a target to vent their frustrations and boost their self-esteem. While I may have been an easy target, it's not right for them to criticize and mock me without reason. I was drawn to women who seemed kind and gentle, but they often turned out to be "Pure Bitch" who were trying to use me or manipulate me. I also experienced rejection and harsh treatment from these women. At the time, I should have valued the women who were genuinely interested in me, even if they were a little "tsundere," but I mistakenly thought that the "Pure Bitch" were better. I simply lacked the ability to judge people. Furthermore, the truly good women were rare, and they would only express their sadness without being "tsundere." However, even with these women, I would often approach them with a cautious attitude, and nothing would come of it.
As a result, I became wary of women who approached me, wondering if they were genuinely interested in me or if they were just trying to use me. If they were genuinely interested, they were good people, but if they were trying to use me, they were "Pure Bitch." This led to a period where I was afraid of women. I couldn't distinguish between good women and "Pure Bitch."
When I was interested in a woman, I would always approach her with caution, which sometimes made her impatient. When I saw her impatience, my "danger" sensor would go off, and I would distance myself. However, this would only make her more upset, and I would interpret her behavior as that of a "scary girl." In reality, her frustration was simply a natural reaction to being in love, but I didn't understand that at the time. This cycle of becoming wary, getting frustrated, distancing myself, and then becoming even more upset often led to a lack of intimacy and eventually, a breakdown in the relationship. On the other hand, the "Pure Bitch" who seemed kind and gentle often tried to use me or manipulate me, or they might not have even been aware of my existence. However, I was often drawn to these "Pure Bitch" and rejected or mistreated by them. At the time, I should have valued the women who were genuinely interested in me, even if they were a little "tsundere," but I mistakenly thought that the "Pure Bitch" were better. I simply lacked the ability to judge people.
This is probably something that children who grew up with domestic violence from a parent of the opposite sex might also say. I was hit by my mother until I was in junior high school, so I have both affection and caution towards women. Thinking back, it's possible that the other person, like the university student, might have been wary of me, glancing sideways and trying to figure out what to do, perhaps because they also had some emotional scars. Now that I think about it, I can see those signs of inner turmoil in their behavior. It takes a lot of studying to get into a university like that, and it's possible they were studying all the time, and it's also said that there's often pressure from their parents. Universities, while seeming glamorous, might also be places where people with hidden emotional scars exist. While these issues might generally be resolved after graduating and gaining experience, it's not surprising that first-year students might still have some emotional baggage. I didn't understand these things back then. However, this understanding is based on my experiences during meditation and flashbacks, so it might have been completely different for the person involved. It's something I can't verify now.
Incidentally, my relatives, since I moved to Tokyo, seem to have started criticizing people around them because they no longer have someone like me to talk to. For example, one of my uncles started belittling his wife, and she started to react with a "hmpf," leading to a strained relationship. He eventually quit his small business and, while he used to be well-off, he's now living a withdrawn life on a pension. Later, he started lashing out at people around him, and he's now seen as someone who has gone crazy. Another uncle used to belittle me, but now he seems to have become smaller and more withdrawn. There are also people who used to belittle me and brag about my failures, but now they're divorced, have quit their IT jobs, and are working as delivery drivers or cleaners. I wonder what they were thinking when they said so many condescending things to me. I think it was mostly to boost their own self-esteem.
I've recently realized that it's a waste of time to associate with such trivial relatives, and I now think it would have been better to keep things to a minimum. However, back then, I was looking for a place to belong, even if it meant being looked down upon. That's how affection and criticism were intertwined within me from a young age.
Looking at it this way, it's not good to look down on or brag about others, even if they are children. Children can grow up quickly and change dramatically. Moreover, such behavior is simply not polite. Belittling children, as I experienced, can have a negative impact on them for decades and can hinder their potential. It's better to recognize their potential. Since they have the potential to grow and change, children have infinite possibilities.
Being in such an environment, I gradually developed a "habit" of such behavior, and I often found myself belittling others and getting into trouble when I was young. I didn't originally have a tendency to mock others, but after being subjected to such behavior for a long time, I sometimes found myself doing the same things, which led to self-loathing, and I was troubled by my own unconscious reactions that I couldn't control. So, it wasn't just that I was being mocked, but I was also shocked and upset by the fact that I was gradually developing the same qualities within myself. Even when I did something wrong, it was difficult to recognize my behavior and correct it, and I struggled with this for decades. I probably haven't been able to completely overcome it yet, and it's something I need to work on in the future. My relatives, my father, and my brother are people who laugh and rejoice at the misfortune of others, especially my father and brother, who seem to find pleasure in the misfortune of others. When I made a mistake, they would widen their eyes and laugh loudly, and I often found myself conforming to that behavior, and it seems that some of that behavior was passed on to me. Even now, I still struggle with correcting such negative behaviors. On the other hand, it has also had a distorted influence on my way of showing affection. Especially when I was young, I was often drawn to women who were S types and abused me. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't seem to overcome my preferences, and I struggled to find someone who wasn't an S type. I often found myself drawn to very kind women, but I was somehow drawn to abusive S women, and sometimes I would even demand that they "abuse" me, which caused problems for the women I was with. Experiencing moral harassment and abuse as a child can lead to long-term struggles, and not only is it harmful, but the tendency to imitate and perpetuate such behavior can be a hindrance in relationships.
People with good upbringing would never exhibit such rude behavior; therefore, I believe that kindness is rooted in a good upbringing. The more one studies, the more the environment improves, and the more people with good upbringing emerge. Studying leads to a better environment, better friends, and ultimately, a better partner. Good people generally choose intelligent partners, so to be chosen by a good person, one must first study diligently. Studying can also help avoid problems and influence relationships and partner selection. Intelligence is reflected in one's appearance, and while beauty is to some extent necessary, it is not as important as intelligence and character, unless it is physiologically repulsive. Therefore, it is important to study diligently from a young age to meet intelligent people and be chosen by them. On the other hand, once one has formed unhealthy relationships and is facing problems, it is difficult to correct these fundamental issues as an adult.
Currently, I am experiencing conflicting emotions. I still have some ingrained feelings of mockery, but I also feel a growing sense of love and compassion, often to the point of tears. It would be easier if I only felt one way, but I sometimes feel sadness and empathy while also experiencing remnants of that old mocking feeling, which seems to stem from the abuse I experienced in my youth. I am not yet completely free from its influence, and I sometimes struggle with the complexity of my emotions. Recently, these ingrained feelings have become less frequent, so I am usually fine, but I sometimes have to be careful that these old feelings don't surface and lead to misunderstandings.
In my case, I was raised by a mother with a good upbringing, and I also experienced the upbringing and character of my father and brother, which were not as good. As a result, I possess both my mother's politeness and some of my father and brother's rudeness. This situation aligns with a plan I made before I was born (i.e., a plan set for me by a group soul) to "understand the psychology of people in the lower strata and find a path for people at the bottom to become spiritual and grow." By understanding how people like my father and brother, and some of my relatives, are twisted and live with jealousy and contempt, I intended to temporarily put myself in a similar situation to understand that psychology and then elevate my spirit from that situation to return to a normal state. I believe that I have largely achieved this goal in this life. Whether it is true or not, the intention of the group soul, before my soul was divided, was that "people are struggling and want spiritual growth, but they don't see a path for it." Even if someone wants spiritual growth, they remain in pain if their minds are at the bottom. There were few people who could provide answers to those in need. Therefore, I was created as a soul to understand the psychology of the bottom by temporarily putting myself in that situation and finding a way to rise from it. My understanding of love in this life is also in line with that path. I have learned that without love, one makes many misunderstandings. While I had this pre-set purpose, in most cases, such a roundabout approach is unnecessary, and it is better to simply understand love from the beginning.
I probably lacked some fundamental aspects. Because I was too lenient, I accepted other people's opinions, which led to confusion. I even adopted the opinions of immoral people, which I should not have done. After struggling for a long time, I finally understood the simple principle of keeping distance from twisted people. True love can only exist in a moral, virtuous, and polite environment. People at the bottom live with their own sexual desires, and that is perfectly fine for them. Therefore, we should simply live our own happiness without interfering with each other. These are not comparable, but rather different aspects of happiness. It is important to be honest with oneself and choose the form of love that feels most comfortable, and there is no need to judge others.
I have come to understand not only the concept of love but also that people have different understandings of it, and that there are different forms of love and happiness at different stages.
Hello, I've come to realize that while I've become close with many girls (not in a physical way, but through conversations and shared interests), I've only fallen in love a few times. Now, I'm finally understanding love and affection, and I feel like I've been born into a different world.
I've realized that many people are unfamiliar with the concept of "heartfelt love," while they may be familiar with "passionate love." It's difficult to find someone who reciprocates "heartfelt love" when you're seeking it, especially when the other person is unfamiliar with the concept. When I was younger, I often withdrew when I sensed that someone wasn't interested in me, but that was a harsh expectation. It's unfair to expect "heartfelt love" from someone when you yourself may not fully understand it.
Some people seek "spark" in a relationship, but I believe that if your heart is open, you're likely to find someone. People who are actively seeking "spark" are often closed off emotionally. Those with open hearts don't always talk about "spark." While there are special moments of "spark" with certain people, many people with open hearts are already in relationships. Those who are less open-hearted tend to remain single, and it's understandable that some of them later complain about the lack of "spark." I believe that simply being approached by someone is enough to be grateful for. Rejecting someone because you don't feel "spark" is disrespectful to those who are brave enough to approach you. Of course, honesty is essential, but if someone honest approaches you, you should consider it even if you don't immediately feel "spark." On the other hand, people with open hearts are often attractive and have plenty of options, so they don't need to worry about this. It's best to choose a partner who is also open-hearted. There are many wonderful women like that in Japan. When choosing a partner, it's more important to consider whether the other person is honest than whether you'll fall in love. If you do fall in love, that's a bonus, and if the other person is open-hearted, that's even better. It's all about finding a balance. If you're not at the same level, you might burden the other person.
It's important to be realistic and avoid being overly ambitious. I've noticed that many people who seek "heartfelt love" or "passionate love" struggle in relationships and may end up not getting married or being unhappy in their marriages. Conversely, many people end up with "good" people and have relatively happy lives. Perhaps, those who struggle in relationships have unrealistic expectations and seek things like "heartfelt love" from their partners. They set conditions for their partners' behavior, which prevents them from approaching others or rejecting them when they do approach. They may also set unrealistic expectations for their partners in marriage. It's better to focus on whether you like someone and pursue them, and if one person loves the other, that's often enough. It may seem obvious, but people often unconsciously set high expectations for their partners, such as "the other person must like me to some extent." It's better to lower those expectations or even eliminate them altogether. Instead, it's a good idea to assess whether the other person has morals and common sense. If at least one person has "heartfelt love," the relationship is likely to work out. It's difficult to find someone who understands "heartfelt love," so it's best to seek someone with morals and common sense. Over time, even someone with morals may develop some affection, which is enough to be happy.
On the other hand, if you fall in love with someone who doesn't even know affection, you will continue to be exploited. Even if your partner knows affection, if their focus is elsewhere, you will not be rewarded, and because you know "love," you tend to become "the one who gives," which can lead to a pattern of being exploited without even realizing it, as you are constantly having your money taken. This is something to be careful of. If you fall in love with someone who lacks common sense and morals, you may end up becoming "the woman who provides" or "an obvious ATM," and be exploited. This may happen at the level of affection, where you might realize it and get angry or leave. However, when it happens with "love," it is troublesome, and you will be exploited until your body and mind are completely exhausted. This is also where good people (people who know "love") are often deceived by bad men and women. After falling in love, you may unconsciously approach them again, but it is important to check whether the other person has common sense and morals, or at least whether they have affection for you, and to carefully consider whether that affection is truly directed towards you before you approach them. My mother came from a fairly wealthy family, but my father's family was the poorest in the city. My father was clearly after my mother's family's wealth, and in reality, he continued to be exploited and have his assets wasted by my father and his relatives. My mother was always crying. It is important to be careful not to fall into such a pattern. The current trend of people getting involved with host clubs and accumulating debt is also related to this. My father did everything: drinking, gambling, and spending money, and he was also verbally abusive. He would yell at me and laugh at others for trivial things. He eventually died of illness, leaving only a few tens of thousands of yen in his wallet and almost empty bank accounts. He seemed to be having fun from the outside, but he was a combination of a poverty god and a plague god. He was always talking about money, and that was because my mother was supporting him financially and suffering in silence. I wonder how my mother managed to stay married to such a low-life man for nearly 50 years. If you love the wrong partner, you will struggle and ruin your life. Perhaps women (especially in the past, during the Showa era) are too strong and end up supporting them. I don't know if I am similar to my mother, but sometimes I unknowingly show affection to a hopeless woman, and there have been times when I was almost taken advantage of or got into dangerous situations.
The purpose of life: "Understanding the bottom." And its achievement.
People in lower social strata often lack the concept of "focus," so they tend to ridicule those who are focused, those who are concentrating, and those who are trying to focus. Some even approach people who are concentrating from behind, tap them on the head, and laugh. And when they are told something, they get angry, yell, resort to violence, or engage in bullying.
I used to wonder why I was born into such a terrible family and surrounded by such people. However, when I experienced astral projection and saw the timeline, it became clear that there was a timeline, which I had previously considered, where I would have grown up in Tokyo and gone to a decent university. However, in that timeline, my ego would have expanded, and my self-esteem would have become uncontrollably inflated. Therefore, in the timeline I ultimately chose, an environment was created to prevent the expansion of my ego, which also lowered my self-confidence. Nevertheless, I prioritized preventing the expansion of my ego. So, in reality, I was constantly belittled, looked down upon, and laughed at by my father, which was as expected. My father was a high school dropout with no education or refinement, but he was apparently making a decent living thanks to the bubble economy, although he was being supported by his mother's family. On the other hand, my brother, whom I was always belittled and laughed at by, was also not very intelligent and had only attended a vocational school. He used to create games when he was young, but he didn't have a regular job and worked short-term jobs. Eventually, he lost his skills and relationships and now works in an IT-unrelated job, such as delivery or cleaning, to make a living. This brother was supposed to be an only child in the original plan, but when I was considering the timeline, I thought, "I want to acquire IT-related skills, but it's difficult," and suddenly, I don't know where he came from, but my brother's soul appeared in front of me and said, "Shall I teach you?" I was hesitant at first, thinking, "Who is this? Where did you come from? Who are you?" But since I didn't have any other leads, I asked him, and he taught me the IT-related things I wanted to learn. However, his personality was somewhat problematic, and he wasn't very intelligent, so there were some troubles, but overall, I think it was a good experience. Now, he has achieved his original purpose, and our relationship is limited to normal interactions. Furthermore, I was constantly belittled and laughed at by certain relatives, but these relatives were high school graduates who ran their own businesses. Although I think it's admirable that they are making a living through their skills, they are still high school graduates, and their reasons for belittling and mocking me were incredibly trivial, such as "I'm not married" or "I don't have a girlfriend," which I now think are completely irrelevant. However, at the time, I was being told the same things by many people, and I felt like I was the one who was wrong, had a problem, and was strange. It was clear that I was being relentlessly looked down upon and ridiculed by people who had no reason to do so, which eroded my self-esteem. However, what I later realized was that all of this was actually part of a plan, and those people were being used to achieve my purpose. They were there to suppress my ego and prevent it from expanding out of control. In appearance, my father, brother, and some relatives were incredibly terrible, but even that was helping me. These people, who were relatively helpless, are now much smaller and less impressive. Ultimately, they were just insignificant people. I believe that only people who are unintelligent and naive can easily look down on and ridicule others. After coming to Tokyo and interacting with many people, I realized that well-bred people respect others and do not ridicule them. They listen carefully to others, understand diverse perspectives, and behave in a respectable manner. Well-bred people are fundamentally different in their behavior. Perhaps, I was completely ignorant, and the fact that I have now gained knowledge and understanding by experiencing all levels of society, from the bottom to the upper class, has been useful.
As I mentioned a little while ago, (although I have no certainty), the group soul (or spirit) to which I belong has many spiritual guides, and they often struggle to understand the problems that people, especially those who are low and vulgar, bring to them for consultation. They couldn't understand why people were so troubled. Therefore, the group soul intended to solve this mystery by sending a spirit to a low-level environment, so that the spirit could experience the bottom and understand it, and then gradually climb the spiritual ladder from there, to figure out how the troubled people could grow. And I was the spirit that was created for that purpose. This was a very difficult and risky mission with a low success rate. If the mission had failed, I might have been abandoned by the group soul, or, even worse, my spirit might have been extinguished. Fortunately, the mission is successful, so I don't have to worry about that. Therefore, all the connections with those insignificant people and the mental breakdown I experienced were all part of the plan. Now, I no longer want to repeat those experiences, but the experience of knowing the bottom has been accumulated as valuable knowledge and understanding in my life.
I used to wonder why I was born into such a terrible family and surrounded by such people. However, when I experienced astral projection and saw the timeline, it became clear that there was a timeline, which I had previously considered, where I would have grown up in Tokyo and gone to a decent university. However, in that timeline, my ego would have expanded, and my self-esteem would have become uncontrollably inflated. Therefore, in the timeline I ultimately chose, an environment was created to prevent the expansion of my ego, which also lowered my self-confidence. Nevertheless, I prioritized preventing the expansion of my ego. So, in reality, I was constantly belittled, looked down upon, and laughed at by my father, which was as expected. My father was a high school dropout with no education or refinement, but he was apparently making a decent living thanks to the bubble economy, although he was being supported by his mother's family. On the other hand, my brother, whom I was always belittled and laughed at by, was also not very intelligent and had only attended a vocational school. He used to create games when he was young, but he didn't have a regular job and worked short-term jobs. Eventually, he lost his skills and relationships and now works in an IT-unrelated job, such as delivery or cleaning, to make a living. This brother was supposed to be an only child in the original plan, but when I was considering the timeline, I thought, "I want to acquire IT-related skills, but it's difficult," and suddenly, I don't know where he came from, but my brother's soul appeared in front of me and said, "Shall I teach you?" I was hesitant at first, thinking, "Who is this? Where did you come from? Who are you?" But since I didn't have any other leads, I asked him, and he taught me the IT-related things I wanted to learn. However, his personality was somewhat problematic, and he wasn't very intelligent, so there were some troubles, but overall, I think it was a good experience. Now, he has achieved his original purpose, and our relationship is limited to normal interactions. Furthermore, I was constantly belittled and laughed at by certain relatives, but these relatives were high school graduates who ran their own businesses. Although I think it's admirable that they are making a living through their skills, they are still high school graduates, and their reasons for belittling and mocking me were incredibly trivial, such as "I'm not married" or "I don't have a girlfriend," which I now think are completely irrelevant. However, at the time, I was being told the same things by many people, and I felt like I was the one who was wrong, had a problem, and was strange. It was clear that I was being relentlessly looked down upon and ridiculed by people who had no reason to do so, which eroded my self-esteem. However, what I later realized was that all of this was actually part of a plan, and those people were being used to achieve my purpose. They were there to suppress my ego and prevent it from expanding out of control. In appearance, my father, brother, and some relatives were incredibly terrible, but even that was helping me. These people, who were relatively helpless, are now much smaller and less impressive. Ultimately, they were just insignificant people. I believe that only people who are unintelligent and naive can easily look down on and ridicule others. After coming to Tokyo and interacting with many people, I realized that well-bred people respect others and do not ridicule them. They listen carefully to others, understand diverse perspectives, and behave in a respectable manner. Well-bred people are fundamentally different in their behavior. Perhaps, I was completely ignorant, and the fact that I have now gained knowledge and understanding by experiencing all levels of society, from the bottom to the upper class, has been useful.
As I mentioned a little while ago, (although I have no certainty), the group soul (or spirit) to which I belong has many spiritual guides, and they often struggle to understand the problems that people, especially those who are low and vulgar, bring to them for consultation. They couldn't understand why people were so troubled. Therefore, the group soul intended to solve this mystery by sending a spirit to a low-level environment, so that the spirit could experience the bottom and understand it, and then gradually climb the spiritual ladder from there, to figure out how the troubled people could grow. And I was the spirit that was created for that purpose. This was a very difficult and risky mission with a low success rate. If the mission had failed, I might have been abandoned by the group soul, or, even worse, my spirit might have been extinguished. Fortunately, the mission is successful, so I don't have to worry about that. Therefore, all the connections with those insignificant people and the mental breakdown I experienced were all part of the plan. Now, I no longer want to repeat those experiences, but the experience of knowing the bottom has been accumulated as valuable knowledge and understanding in my life.
Self-affirmation as a preliminary stage to understanding love.
Now, I think that before knowing love, there needs to be a sense of self-worth. At the very least, if you have self-worth, you can probably have some kind of relationship. That self-worth might be superficial or physical, or even an illusion, but at least if you have it, it's possible to have a relationship with someone. I think that my father, my brother, and some of my relatives may have tried to boost my self-esteem by constantly verbally abusing me, making me laugh, and repeating things to themselves as if they were right (with little to no basis). Even if it's just a superficial self-affirmation, I think it's possible to have a relationship. However, I think that without true love, or at least affection, a relationship won't last. If you don't have self-worth, you might think, "Is this real?" even if someone loves you. And then, when the other person's feelings start to fade, you might think, "Ah, they're not really loving me," and try to prove to yourself that you have low self-worth. I probably fit this pattern, and I think that some girls I knew also fit this pattern, and they didn't accept my feelings. The girl who recommended "Adachi-kun and Dog" to me in high school seemed to want to be friends with me. For example, when I invited her to go on a free day trip during a school trip, she would make strange, incomprehensible comments and actions, not rejecting me, but not accepting me either, and I felt like something was wrong. I think that might have been this pattern.
If I had known this pattern from the beginning, I might have been able to say something to boost her self-esteem, and maybe we would have become better friends. But at the time, I couldn't understand her behavior. Also, I now think that the girl from T University, who I thought had high self-esteem, might not have been as confident in relationships as I thought. I thought, "She's from T University, so she must have 100% self-esteem and wouldn't be interested in someone like me." But now I think that's probably not the case. Both of us probably had low self-esteem, and she probably thought, "Ah, he's not interested in me," and we were misunderstanding each other, thinking about each other in our imaginations instead of seeing reality. I think I could tell from her expression that she was looking at me with wide eyes while I was talking to another girl, and she was probably thinking, "Ah, he's not interested in me, he likes that girl," and I was surprised and confused by her reaction, and I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and hurt, and I thought, "Is this what they mean when they say that you're liked by people you're not interested in, and not liked by the people you're interested in?" Or maybe I was just inconsistent and didn't understand myself.
I think that if we both had self-esteem, or if at least one of us knew true love, we wouldn't have had so many misunderstandings. Now that I think about it, girls who act in strange ways often have low self-esteem in some area. If you identify that specific area in conversation, and then say something like, "That's not true, you're wonderful, you're amazing," it will probably go well, whether it's a normal relationship or a romantic one. I think that "cute bitches" are good at this, and they often praise men as a matter of course. But it's not just a technique; if you can genuinely think that way, and express it in words, you can overcome the trap of low self-esteem and have a successful relationship. I've realized this now.
The relationship between self-esteem and true love is that if you know true love, you will be in a constant state of self-esteem without needing to find a reason for it. On the other hand, in a state before that, self-esteem depends on something, and that something is different for each person, such as appearance, intelligence, youth, education, job, or even having a girlfriend or being married. This kind of self-esteem, which is based on conditions that are not always met, can be either healthy or unhealthy. For example, I was verbally abused and insulted by my father, brother, and relatives, and that was an attempt to boost my self-esteem. As a result, there are cases where the person who was insulting others temporarily boosts their self-esteem and has a successful relationship. However, in that state, if the conditions are not met, self-esteem decreases, so it is necessary to take some actions or measures to boost self-esteem. If those measures are healthy, the marriage may last, but if, for example, moral harassment occurs between couples in order to gain self-esteem, the relationship is likely to break down. On the other hand, if at least one person knows true love, they will gradually become a state of self-esteem that does not depend on these conditions, and then problems are less likely to occur. It can be said that the more you don't know love, the more problems you have.
By re-experiencing various emotions from my youth, I have come to a new understanding. Surprisingly, my situation at that time seems to have been blessed and full of love. There were many kind girls among my classmates, and in reality, I think that no matter who I chose, I could have had a good and happy life. However, at that time, I didn't think so. I was only drawn to unusual girls, and I often took ambiguous stances, which led to misunderstandings and ultimately, things didn't work out.
These memories of my youth have resurfaced, but most of them were things I had completely forgotten. Whether it was my high school classmates or the people I met in college, I haven't thought about them much in the past few decades. Around the Golden Week holiday in 2023, memories and emotions from my youth spontaneously surfaced. However, while there are memories and emotions that I can recall, there are also many that I cannot remember, even when I try.
If I had known this pattern from the beginning, I might have been able to say something to boost her self-esteem, and maybe we would have become better friends. But at the time, I couldn't understand her behavior. Also, I now think that the girl from T University, who I thought had high self-esteem, might not have been as confident in relationships as I thought. I thought, "She's from T University, so she must have 100% self-esteem and wouldn't be interested in someone like me." But now I think that's probably not the case. Both of us probably had low self-esteem, and she probably thought, "Ah, he's not interested in me," and we were misunderstanding each other, thinking about each other in our imaginations instead of seeing reality. I think I could tell from her expression that she was looking at me with wide eyes while I was talking to another girl, and she was probably thinking, "Ah, he's not interested in me, he likes that girl," and I was surprised and confused by her reaction, and I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and hurt, and I thought, "Is this what they mean when they say that you're liked by people you're not interested in, and not liked by the people you're interested in?" Or maybe I was just inconsistent and didn't understand myself.
I think that if we both had self-esteem, or if at least one of us knew true love, we wouldn't have had so many misunderstandings. Now that I think about it, girls who act in strange ways often have low self-esteem in some area. If you identify that specific area in conversation, and then say something like, "That's not true, you're wonderful, you're amazing," it will probably go well, whether it's a normal relationship or a romantic one. I think that "cute bitches" are good at this, and they often praise men as a matter of course. But it's not just a technique; if you can genuinely think that way, and express it in words, you can overcome the trap of low self-esteem and have a successful relationship. I've realized this now.
The relationship between self-esteem and true love is that if you know true love, you will be in a constant state of self-esteem without needing to find a reason for it. On the other hand, in a state before that, self-esteem depends on something, and that something is different for each person, such as appearance, intelligence, youth, education, job, or even having a girlfriend or being married. This kind of self-esteem, which is based on conditions that are not always met, can be either healthy or unhealthy. For example, I was verbally abused and insulted by my father, brother, and relatives, and that was an attempt to boost my self-esteem. As a result, there are cases where the person who was insulting others temporarily boosts their self-esteem and has a successful relationship. However, in that state, if the conditions are not met, self-esteem decreases, so it is necessary to take some actions or measures to boost self-esteem. If those measures are healthy, the marriage may last, but if, for example, moral harassment occurs between couples in order to gain self-esteem, the relationship is likely to break down. On the other hand, if at least one person knows true love, they will gradually become a state of self-esteem that does not depend on these conditions, and then problems are less likely to occur. It can be said that the more you don't know love, the more problems you have.
By re-experiencing various emotions from my youth, I have come to a new understanding. Surprisingly, my situation at that time seems to have been blessed and full of love. There were many kind girls among my classmates, and in reality, I think that no matter who I chose, I could have had a good and happy life. However, at that time, I didn't think so. I was only drawn to unusual girls, and I often took ambiguous stances, which led to misunderstandings and ultimately, things didn't work out.
These memories of my youth have resurfaced, but most of them were things I had completely forgotten. Whether it was my high school classmates or the people I met in college, I haven't thought about them much in the past few decades. Around the Golden Week holiday in 2023, memories and emotions from my youth spontaneously surfaced. However, while there are memories and emotions that I can recall, there are also many that I cannot remember, even when I try.
Mental recovery during university days.
After entering university and moving to Tokyo for college, I was finally able to distance myself from my father, relatives, and annoying classmates who had bullied me since high school, allowing me to recover mentally. However, I still received phone calls from classmates who tried to belittle me, just like in high school, but I ignored them. Although my heart eventually calmed down, it took time for my mental state, which had been severely damaged during high school, to recover. In my 20s, I struggled with various issues, and while I had resolved about 80% of them by my 30s, I still experienced painful emotions whenever I entered a state of "flow" at work. It wasn't until my late 30s that I could enter a state of flow without feeling overwhelmed, and it was only in my 40s that I could say that my mental state was almost fully recovered. While being in a state of flow increased my work efficiency and allowed me to connect with the subject, it also opened emotional channels, which reactivated and resurfaced painful memories from the past, making me feel miserable. There were times when I would suddenly be overwhelmed by past memories and enter a trance-like state, losing consciousness for hours or even days. Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't commit suicide during those difficult times. However, as my mental state improved, the duration of these trances gradually shortened, from hours to minutes, and eventually to seconds. Recently, even if I experience a flashback, I can recover in less than 10 seconds, and I no longer lose consciousness during these episodes. Even now, I still experience occasional flashbacks, indicating that the severe mental issues I experienced during high school have had a lasting impact on my life for decades. In Japanese companies, workplace harassment is rampant, and I have occasionally been targeted by superiors who tried to control me, but I always managed to escape. I believe that during high school and college, I was so mentally controlled that I couldn't even think about escaping. However, I didn't want to be treated like a slave again after finally escaping the constraints of my father, relatives, and classmates, so I did everything I could to avoid such situations. People who engage in workplace harassment often criticize those who try to escape, but I believe that the perpetrators are always at fault, and any damage to one's career record is an unavoidable consequence. During high school, I was so mentally ill that I couldn't even think about escaping, and I lived according to the expectations of those around me who believed that I was supposed to be a "doormat." They would yell at me or belittle me if I didn't conform, but now I realize that those who tried to control me or make judgments about me were the ones who were wrong. I have been misled by people who have an inflated sense of self-importance and who try to impose their own biased views on others, making them feel that they are superior and that anyone who doesn't conform is "wrong." These people often think, "A doormat should behave as I expect," and try to control others, and if they don't comply, they will say, "You're a strange person," and exert pressure to conform. It's exhausting to deal with such people, and it can erode one's self-esteem and lead to feelings of being looked down upon. It's often pointless to argue with them, and sometimes they even resort to violence. Therefore, it's best to avoid them altogether. After moving to Tokyo and gaining a better understanding of my situation, I gradually regained my mental strength in my 20s, and I finally became someone who could "escape" from difficult situations. After that, my mental state continued to improve, and by my 30s, I had reached a point where I could function at a minimum level and become more independent.
Despite all this, I was aware that I was a "strange person," and I was careful not to cause trouble for good people. However, from an outside perspective, I may have seemed like a "terrible person." This may also be due to my low self-esteem. I am not a Christian, but I have often thought about confessing to God and asking for forgiveness for my past wrongdoings. Even now, I sometimes feel that way. Although my mental state has improved, I believe that I have done many terrible things to others during the process of recovery. I also feel that I have not been able to fully repay the kindness I have received. I have a feeling that I cannot die until I have done everything I can to make amends. I feel the need to atone for my past wrongdoings and to repay the kindness I have received. Whether I will be forgiven is up to the other person, but I believe that I need to atone and make amends. Even if I don't think so, there is always a "guide" who watches over me and protects me, especially when I was young, I often angered my guide. For various reasons, I was a terrible person when I was young. This may simply be due to my low self-esteem, but I also believe that I have done some truly terrible things. I may be too hard on myself. Compared to the people who harassed and bullied me when I was young, my attempts at atonement may seem insignificant. However, I often find it difficult to live up to my ideals, and I sometimes end up behaving or doing things that are not right. I suppose you could say that I have a weakness, and that weakness leads to the creation of sins, which forces me to atone for them. In the animal kingdom, animals engage in harmful or violent behavior as part of their natural instincts, but I am not supposed to be like that. However, I have sometimes hurt people and lacked empathy, which is natural for animals, but not for humans. That's why I feel the need to atone for my actions. Animals do not have a sense of guilt or remorse, so they simply harm or take from others without any awareness of wrongdoing. However, humans are capable of feeling guilt and remorse, which can lead to atonement or even suicide.
And now, the aura's defense is almost fully restored, and the mental breakdown has also recovered. As a result, about 98% of the curse seems to have been lifted. However, the curse still seems to be affecting me, causing demonic thoughts for about 3 to 5 seconds. Sometimes, I fall into a trance and lose consciousness, enveloped by the thought of the curse, "die, die, die." When the curse takes effect, I lose consciousness and fall into a trance, unconsciously uttering the words of the curse. Therefore, I try to stay conscious and resist it, but the curse still has a strong effect, and sometimes, even before I can properly resist, it starts in my mind and as a small voice, sometimes even spoken aloud. It seems that I am more susceptible to this when I am tired or when I enter a deep state of consciousness in the zone, when my spirit is "exposed" outside the aura's defense. Therefore, it is especially important to be careful when my spirit is exposed.
Until recently, I thought this kind of curse was almost completely resolved. However, since I awakened to the love of the heart and my heart chakra (heart chakra) opened, surprisingly, as a transitional period, I have become slightly more sensitive to this kind of curse than before. The heart, which is sensitive, seems to be also sensitive to curses. Because my heart is "exposed," the number of times I am attacked by curses has suddenly increased compared to before my heart opened. However, this may be a temporary phenomenon, so I am observing it. Because my heart has opened, my consciousness has expanded, and as a result, dormant memories from the past are constantly emerging, and as a result, curses that were dormant in the depths of my aura are emerging. In the past, I was relentlessly bullied and cursed by classmates, and those curses seem to be embedded in my aura. I thought it was almost gone, but I am surprised that it is still there. This may be an emotional release in the final stage, after the remaining curses have been lifted.
As a result of the curse being released in a rush when my heart opened, after a while, when my emotions have calmed down, I think that the curse is almost completely gone. I have been aware of being cursed for a long time, and I was worried about whether I would unintentionally throw curse words at the people around me. However, this time, after my heart opened and the curse was released, I went through a temporary period of emotional instability, and after that, I stabilized, and I think that the remaining 8 or 9% of the curse has been lifted, and I am almost free from the curse. There is still a slight lingering feeling of the curse, but it seems that it is no longer a cause for concern in daily life.
It is still good that I am cursed, but I am careful not to transmit the curse to the people around me with the words of the curse, especially when I am with someone. Until now, I have been very careful, and I am still a little careful now, but I think that I have almost completely stopped unconsciously saying something in a trance. I sometimes want the people I am close to to understand that even if I say strange things, I am not talking about them. However, it is difficult to make them understand. How much I can explain and how much they can understand depends on the person. Generally, there are few women who are kind to people like me who are cursed, and (normally, of course), people who are involved in curses become unlucky, so I have been careful not to involve the people I like in my curse, and I have not actively looked for a partner. Even so, the women who are willing to be with me are like goddesses, and I cherish them.
Especially in this life, even if I don't find a partner, my past wives from previous lives are kind and understanding, so I feel that it would be enough to meet them in the afterlife. There are no restrictions on this life regarding relationships, but I think it's okay even if it's like that. A partner who builds a relationship of trust that lasts a lifetime will take care of me and worry about me, even if I have a mental breakdown or have some problems for decades. After death, they will support me from the afterlife. I think that the love of people, especially the love of women, is truly deep. Even if I find a partner in this life, I hope that we can build a relationship of trust that lasts until the future.
Some people say that the past wives are just my imagination, but it is probably true because of various things that have happened. Since everything is already seen, there is no point in trying to hide it, and I can trust my past wives more than I can trust people I have just met. There are usually about 5 of them who are always with me, and they are always floating around me, having a "gossip" session with other past wives. Because my past wives are in a spiritual state, they can be pure in their feelings without being concerned with money, and it is easy and happy to be with them without even getting married. Especially when I was young, (which may seem like just my imagination), I often had the consciousness of my past wives overlapping with me every night, and I was in a state of brain ecstasy while sleeping. At that time, I was mentally suffering, so I needed something to heal me. My past wives are always following me to wherever I go, so I am not lonely even when I travel alone, and they are often just watching quietly, but sometimes they talk about me in a "gossip" session, and sometimes they tell me "This is good!" in a loud voice (in my mind), or sometimes they are curious about my actions and say, "Why are you doing this???". Considering how I acted, it is amazing that my past wives did not abandon me, who was so emotionally unstable and had a mental breakdown. Even when I am at the bottom of my heart, I feel that I have always received the love and encouragement of my past wives. Since there are no material gains or losses in the afterlife, there are many people who are pure and help me, so I can say that I am a happy person. However, until I realized it, I must have made my past wives feel lonely for a long time, but I have become aware of the existence of my past wives who have been watching over and helping me all along.
This time, I've recalled past memories and come to understand love. However, when I was in a state of mental illness, I wasn't in a condition to be in a relationship. Back then, I was basically perceived as a "prey" by "clean-cut bitches," and they probably thought that people like me, who are mentally unstable, are easy to manipulate. They would often give me a "smirking" expression, and it seemed like I was just being used for their convenience, rather than a genuine relationship.
This "smirking" expression was also seen by people who were trying to take advantage of me, such as those who tried to sell me something expensive, push troublesome tasks on me at work, or try to make me work for a low salary or reward. Because of this, I developed a habit of immediately judging anyone who showed even a hint of this expression as someone who was trying to take advantage of me, and I would secretly and carefully try to escape.
I developed a habit of running away as soon as I sensed something suspicious. During that time, there were actually people who cared about me sincerely, but I was too focused on avoiding suspicious people and didn't realize that I should also be able to distinguish between good and bad people. I missed out on opportunities to connect with truly good people.
Being mentally ill or not knowing true love can waste decades of your life. In reality, I used to think that people with mental health issues like me couldn't have a normal relationship. At most, I thought the best I could hope for was a temporary, platonic connection that would end in disappointment.
Back then, I thought that I couldn't have a normal relationship, but even that was something that others had imposed on me. Now, I wonder if I could have been happy if I had connected with any of the kind people I overlooked and ignored. It seems that there were actually many wonderful people who were kind to me even when I was mentally ill.
When I was young, I felt like there were very few people I could have a relationship with, but that's not true. There were actually many kind people, and I just didn't have the ability to see them. If only I had more choices and could have connected with truly kind people.
Even if others told me, "You're not capable of having a relationship," it turns out that they were just trying to boost their own self-esteem by putting others down (whether they were aware of it or not). Love is something that anyone can experience. People who deny that possibility, especially to others, are not genuine. People who look down on and insult you by saying, "You're not capable of having a relationship," I used to accept those words, but now I realize that I shouldn't have associated with such people.
The people who said those things were often not very intelligent, and they didn't understand the situation or my personality. I took their careless and irresponsible opinions too seriously, which was a sign of my own naivety. I should have just ignored those people and moved on.
Now, I can somewhat distinguish between truly good people, and my relationships are a little more selective. There are no problems. Objectively, when I look at the people who have criticized me and said, "You're not capable of having a relationship," they are often people who are much lower in status than me, working as temporary employees or part-time jobs, or doing strange things like delivery or pyramid schemes. Some of them are just ordinary housewives, and others are people who I don't even know what they do. In most cases, I didn't even care about what they said.
When you study psychology, you learn about concepts like projection, and you realize that the impressions you have of others are often a reflection of your own inner state. However, those people who lack knowledge simply express their own impressions without thinking about the essence of things. It's a waste of time to engage with such people, and it can even have a harmful effect on you.
Objectively, I am a college graduate (from a relatively unknown university), and my income is higher than the national average. The apartment I live in is small, but the mortgage is paid off, so I could move to a cheaper place if I wanted to. While it's expensive to live in Tokyo and have a stay-at-home spouse, it's perfectly possible to live a normal life if we both work. On the other hand, the people who have said various things to me in the past... well, I can't say much about their backgrounds, and I know that you shouldn't judge people based on their attributes alone. However, it's important to understand who a person is before making a judgment, and it's more important to judge people based on their words and actions than on their background. But, even if they say something that sounds good, if they don't have the substance to back it up, they are not truly good people. If they were truly good people, they would be in a more stable and respected position, whether in their career or in other aspects of their life.
When I was young, I didn't understand these things, and I thought that I should treat everyone equally. I naively accepted whatever people said to me. Now, I realize that I was too trusting.
Despite all this, I was aware that I was a "strange person," and I was careful not to cause trouble for good people. However, from an outside perspective, I may have seemed like a "terrible person." This may also be due to my low self-esteem. I am not a Christian, but I have often thought about confessing to God and asking for forgiveness for my past wrongdoings. Even now, I sometimes feel that way. Although my mental state has improved, I believe that I have done many terrible things to others during the process of recovery. I also feel that I have not been able to fully repay the kindness I have received. I have a feeling that I cannot die until I have done everything I can to make amends. I feel the need to atone for my past wrongdoings and to repay the kindness I have received. Whether I will be forgiven is up to the other person, but I believe that I need to atone and make amends. Even if I don't think so, there is always a "guide" who watches over me and protects me, especially when I was young, I often angered my guide. For various reasons, I was a terrible person when I was young. This may simply be due to my low self-esteem, but I also believe that I have done some truly terrible things. I may be too hard on myself. Compared to the people who harassed and bullied me when I was young, my attempts at atonement may seem insignificant. However, I often find it difficult to live up to my ideals, and I sometimes end up behaving or doing things that are not right. I suppose you could say that I have a weakness, and that weakness leads to the creation of sins, which forces me to atone for them. In the animal kingdom, animals engage in harmful or violent behavior as part of their natural instincts, but I am not supposed to be like that. However, I have sometimes hurt people and lacked empathy, which is natural for animals, but not for humans. That's why I feel the need to atone for my actions. Animals do not have a sense of guilt or remorse, so they simply harm or take from others without any awareness of wrongdoing. However, humans are capable of feeling guilt and remorse, which can lead to atonement or even suicide.
And now, the aura's defense is almost fully restored, and the mental breakdown has also recovered. As a result, about 98% of the curse seems to have been lifted. However, the curse still seems to be affecting me, causing demonic thoughts for about 3 to 5 seconds. Sometimes, I fall into a trance and lose consciousness, enveloped by the thought of the curse, "die, die, die." When the curse takes effect, I lose consciousness and fall into a trance, unconsciously uttering the words of the curse. Therefore, I try to stay conscious and resist it, but the curse still has a strong effect, and sometimes, even before I can properly resist, it starts in my mind and as a small voice, sometimes even spoken aloud. It seems that I am more susceptible to this when I am tired or when I enter a deep state of consciousness in the zone, when my spirit is "exposed" outside the aura's defense. Therefore, it is especially important to be careful when my spirit is exposed.
Until recently, I thought this kind of curse was almost completely resolved. However, since I awakened to the love of the heart and my heart chakra (heart chakra) opened, surprisingly, as a transitional period, I have become slightly more sensitive to this kind of curse than before. The heart, which is sensitive, seems to be also sensitive to curses. Because my heart is "exposed," the number of times I am attacked by curses has suddenly increased compared to before my heart opened. However, this may be a temporary phenomenon, so I am observing it. Because my heart has opened, my consciousness has expanded, and as a result, dormant memories from the past are constantly emerging, and as a result, curses that were dormant in the depths of my aura are emerging. In the past, I was relentlessly bullied and cursed by classmates, and those curses seem to be embedded in my aura. I thought it was almost gone, but I am surprised that it is still there. This may be an emotional release in the final stage, after the remaining curses have been lifted.
As a result of the curse being released in a rush when my heart opened, after a while, when my emotions have calmed down, I think that the curse is almost completely gone. I have been aware of being cursed for a long time, and I was worried about whether I would unintentionally throw curse words at the people around me. However, this time, after my heart opened and the curse was released, I went through a temporary period of emotional instability, and after that, I stabilized, and I think that the remaining 8 or 9% of the curse has been lifted, and I am almost free from the curse. There is still a slight lingering feeling of the curse, but it seems that it is no longer a cause for concern in daily life.
It is still good that I am cursed, but I am careful not to transmit the curse to the people around me with the words of the curse, especially when I am with someone. Until now, I have been very careful, and I am still a little careful now, but I think that I have almost completely stopped unconsciously saying something in a trance. I sometimes want the people I am close to to understand that even if I say strange things, I am not talking about them. However, it is difficult to make them understand. How much I can explain and how much they can understand depends on the person. Generally, there are few women who are kind to people like me who are cursed, and (normally, of course), people who are involved in curses become unlucky, so I have been careful not to involve the people I like in my curse, and I have not actively looked for a partner. Even so, the women who are willing to be with me are like goddesses, and I cherish them.
Especially in this life, even if I don't find a partner, my past wives from previous lives are kind and understanding, so I feel that it would be enough to meet them in the afterlife. There are no restrictions on this life regarding relationships, but I think it's okay even if it's like that. A partner who builds a relationship of trust that lasts a lifetime will take care of me and worry about me, even if I have a mental breakdown or have some problems for decades. After death, they will support me from the afterlife. I think that the love of people, especially the love of women, is truly deep. Even if I find a partner in this life, I hope that we can build a relationship of trust that lasts until the future.
Some people say that the past wives are just my imagination, but it is probably true because of various things that have happened. Since everything is already seen, there is no point in trying to hide it, and I can trust my past wives more than I can trust people I have just met. There are usually about 5 of them who are always with me, and they are always floating around me, having a "gossip" session with other past wives. Because my past wives are in a spiritual state, they can be pure in their feelings without being concerned with money, and it is easy and happy to be with them without even getting married. Especially when I was young, (which may seem like just my imagination), I often had the consciousness of my past wives overlapping with me every night, and I was in a state of brain ecstasy while sleeping. At that time, I was mentally suffering, so I needed something to heal me. My past wives are always following me to wherever I go, so I am not lonely even when I travel alone, and they are often just watching quietly, but sometimes they talk about me in a "gossip" session, and sometimes they tell me "This is good!" in a loud voice (in my mind), or sometimes they are curious about my actions and say, "Why are you doing this???". Considering how I acted, it is amazing that my past wives did not abandon me, who was so emotionally unstable and had a mental breakdown. Even when I am at the bottom of my heart, I feel that I have always received the love and encouragement of my past wives. Since there are no material gains or losses in the afterlife, there are many people who are pure and help me, so I can say that I am a happy person. However, until I realized it, I must have made my past wives feel lonely for a long time, but I have become aware of the existence of my past wives who have been watching over and helping me all along.
This time, I've recalled past memories and come to understand love. However, when I was in a state of mental illness, I wasn't in a condition to be in a relationship. Back then, I was basically perceived as a "prey" by "clean-cut bitches," and they probably thought that people like me, who are mentally unstable, are easy to manipulate. They would often give me a "smirking" expression, and it seemed like I was just being used for their convenience, rather than a genuine relationship.
This "smirking" expression was also seen by people who were trying to take advantage of me, such as those who tried to sell me something expensive, push troublesome tasks on me at work, or try to make me work for a low salary or reward. Because of this, I developed a habit of immediately judging anyone who showed even a hint of this expression as someone who was trying to take advantage of me, and I would secretly and carefully try to escape.
I developed a habit of running away as soon as I sensed something suspicious. During that time, there were actually people who cared about me sincerely, but I was too focused on avoiding suspicious people and didn't realize that I should also be able to distinguish between good and bad people. I missed out on opportunities to connect with truly good people.
Being mentally ill or not knowing true love can waste decades of your life. In reality, I used to think that people with mental health issues like me couldn't have a normal relationship. At most, I thought the best I could hope for was a temporary, platonic connection that would end in disappointment.
Back then, I thought that I couldn't have a normal relationship, but even that was something that others had imposed on me. Now, I wonder if I could have been happy if I had connected with any of the kind people I overlooked and ignored. It seems that there were actually many wonderful people who were kind to me even when I was mentally ill.
When I was young, I felt like there were very few people I could have a relationship with, but that's not true. There were actually many kind people, and I just didn't have the ability to see them. If only I had more choices and could have connected with truly kind people.
Even if others told me, "You're not capable of having a relationship," it turns out that they were just trying to boost their own self-esteem by putting others down (whether they were aware of it or not). Love is something that anyone can experience. People who deny that possibility, especially to others, are not genuine. People who look down on and insult you by saying, "You're not capable of having a relationship," I used to accept those words, but now I realize that I shouldn't have associated with such people.
The people who said those things were often not very intelligent, and they didn't understand the situation or my personality. I took their careless and irresponsible opinions too seriously, which was a sign of my own naivety. I should have just ignored those people and moved on.
Now, I can somewhat distinguish between truly good people, and my relationships are a little more selective. There are no problems. Objectively, when I look at the people who have criticized me and said, "You're not capable of having a relationship," they are often people who are much lower in status than me, working as temporary employees or part-time jobs, or doing strange things like delivery or pyramid schemes. Some of them are just ordinary housewives, and others are people who I don't even know what they do. In most cases, I didn't even care about what they said.
When you study psychology, you learn about concepts like projection, and you realize that the impressions you have of others are often a reflection of your own inner state. However, those people who lack knowledge simply express their own impressions without thinking about the essence of things. It's a waste of time to engage with such people, and it can even have a harmful effect on you.
Objectively, I am a college graduate (from a relatively unknown university), and my income is higher than the national average. The apartment I live in is small, but the mortgage is paid off, so I could move to a cheaper place if I wanted to. While it's expensive to live in Tokyo and have a stay-at-home spouse, it's perfectly possible to live a normal life if we both work. On the other hand, the people who have said various things to me in the past... well, I can't say much about their backgrounds, and I know that you shouldn't judge people based on their attributes alone. However, it's important to understand who a person is before making a judgment, and it's more important to judge people based on their words and actions than on their background. But, even if they say something that sounds good, if they don't have the substance to back it up, they are not truly good people. If they were truly good people, they would be in a more stable and respected position, whether in their career or in other aspects of their life.
When I was young, I didn't understand these things, and I thought that I should treat everyone equally. I naively accepted whatever people said to me. Now, I realize that I was too trusting.
The choice of university had a reason in the previous timeline.
(Timeline 1)
When I was in elementary school, I experienced out-of-body experiences several times, traveling between the past and future and altering and reconstructing timelines. However, this current timeline is not the original one. In the initial timeline, both of my parents moved to the city and worked jobs that provided a decent income. But in that timeline, my spiritual growth was not progressing well, and my mental state became quite negative. I abandoned that timeline.
The truth is, in that timeline, I had more financial freedom than I do now. In addition to rental income from real estate, I also considered starting an IT business, but I didn't understand IT very well and quickly failed. I didn't know how to manage money, and I was tricked by unscrupulous real estate agents who said, "If you don't sell it for a lower price, it won't sell." As a result, my assets gradually decreased, and my business failed, leading me to a difficult situation. I believe that timeline ended because I was stuck. I had a strong ego and self-esteem, and I was not spiritually successful.
(Timeline 2)
So, I realized that if I wanted to start a business, I should have studied IT more when I was younger. I decided to redo the timeline from the middle. In the first timeline, I went to a different university, but at that time, I had some interactions with students from the university I'm attending in this timeline through a computer-related club. Therefore, I chose a university that was slightly lower in rank than the one in the initial timeline, but I decided to attend the same university as those people.
I just decided to attend it, but even in this redone timeline, my IT studies didn't progress well. This is because IT is something that cannot be learned solely through school. I graduated, but my understanding was still lacking. In that timeline, I worked as a project manager, but it seemed like a very difficult situation. I also started an online English conversation school, just like I do now, but that also failed, and I was stuck again. I didn't feel like I had grown spiritually, and I was stuck in my life and spiritually, so I decided to go back in time and redo the timeline again.
(Timeline 3)
I thought that if I had enough money, I would become arrogant, so I decided to live a life of relative poverty. Therefore, I switched roles with some of my mother's siblings, changing the scenario where my mother was originally supposed to move to Tokyo and go to university to a scenario where my younger brother moved to Tokyo and went to university. As a result, I ended up living a peaceful life in the countryside. I still chose the same university with an IT focus, but my understanding of IT still didn't progress.
(Timeline 4)
Then, I wondered what to do, but suddenly, I don't know where it came from, but my older brother's soul appeared in front of me and said, "Should I become your brother and teach you about IT?" I was surprised and wondered, "Who are you? Where did you come from?" But I thought, "Okay," and asked him, and my older brother, who didn't exist in this timeline, appeared. Thanks to him, my understanding of IT progressed, but on the other hand, my older brother had a troublesome and annoying personality, so I had some difficulties. Nevertheless, I think I achieved my goal of improving my understanding of IT.
As an extension of this timeline, I was working on programming and enjoying it by creating shooting games on a computer during high school. After entering university and moving to Tokyo, and entering the IT department, I was able to understand things thoroughly, but I also started to feel that the classes were boring. I was a selfish person who would complain if I couldn't understand something, and I would feel bored if I could understand it.
When I think back to university, I now realize that university is not that important. Ultimately, the university you attend can be changed through your own (higher) choices, and even if something is too difficult, you can pass the university entrance exam through (higher) choices if it's somewhat within your capabilities.
When I was in elementary school, I experienced out-of-body experiences several times, traveling between the past and future and altering and reconstructing timelines. However, this current timeline is not the original one. In the initial timeline, both of my parents moved to the city and worked jobs that provided a decent income. But in that timeline, my spiritual growth was not progressing well, and my mental state became quite negative. I abandoned that timeline.
The truth is, in that timeline, I had more financial freedom than I do now. In addition to rental income from real estate, I also considered starting an IT business, but I didn't understand IT very well and quickly failed. I didn't know how to manage money, and I was tricked by unscrupulous real estate agents who said, "If you don't sell it for a lower price, it won't sell." As a result, my assets gradually decreased, and my business failed, leading me to a difficult situation. I believe that timeline ended because I was stuck. I had a strong ego and self-esteem, and I was not spiritually successful.
(Timeline 2)
So, I realized that if I wanted to start a business, I should have studied IT more when I was younger. I decided to redo the timeline from the middle. In the first timeline, I went to a different university, but at that time, I had some interactions with students from the university I'm attending in this timeline through a computer-related club. Therefore, I chose a university that was slightly lower in rank than the one in the initial timeline, but I decided to attend the same university as those people.
I just decided to attend it, but even in this redone timeline, my IT studies didn't progress well. This is because IT is something that cannot be learned solely through school. I graduated, but my understanding was still lacking. In that timeline, I worked as a project manager, but it seemed like a very difficult situation. I also started an online English conversation school, just like I do now, but that also failed, and I was stuck again. I didn't feel like I had grown spiritually, and I was stuck in my life and spiritually, so I decided to go back in time and redo the timeline again.
(Timeline 3)
I thought that if I had enough money, I would become arrogant, so I decided to live a life of relative poverty. Therefore, I switched roles with some of my mother's siblings, changing the scenario where my mother was originally supposed to move to Tokyo and go to university to a scenario where my younger brother moved to Tokyo and went to university. As a result, I ended up living a peaceful life in the countryside. I still chose the same university with an IT focus, but my understanding of IT still didn't progress.
(Timeline 4)
Then, I wondered what to do, but suddenly, I don't know where it came from, but my older brother's soul appeared in front of me and said, "Should I become your brother and teach you about IT?" I was surprised and wondered, "Who are you? Where did you come from?" But I thought, "Okay," and asked him, and my older brother, who didn't exist in this timeline, appeared. Thanks to him, my understanding of IT progressed, but on the other hand, my older brother had a troublesome and annoying personality, so I had some difficulties. Nevertheless, I think I achieved my goal of improving my understanding of IT.
As an extension of this timeline, I was working on programming and enjoying it by creating shooting games on a computer during high school. After entering university and moving to Tokyo, and entering the IT department, I was able to understand things thoroughly, but I also started to feel that the classes were boring. I was a selfish person who would complain if I couldn't understand something, and I would feel bored if I could understand it.
When I think back to university, I now realize that university is not that important. Ultimately, the university you attend can be changed through your own (higher) choices, and even if something is too difficult, you can pass the university entrance exam through (higher) choices if it's somewhat within your capabilities.
University entrance exam scores are irrelevant.
The high school classmate, a girl who liked "Adachi Tsuyoshi" (and whom I had a slight fondness for), surprisingly entered a decent university (considering the level of that high school). However, the truth is (and I would never tell her this), when I was a child, I experienced an out-of-body experience (as a higher spirit) and, transcending time and space, helped her pass the university entrance exam. I gave her inspiration about what would be on the exam, and during the exam, I sent her images and taught her how to answer, significantly boosting her score and helping her get accepted. Whether it's true or not is unknown, and even at the time, it was just a feeling.
In reality, it's better not to interfere with others' lives. My higher consciousness (spirit), intending to help, assisted her in getting into the university, but I was later told by guides that "It doesn't matter how high the university's ranking is. She was supposed to go to a different university, and her plans were disrupted. While it's a good university, she was supposed to meet certain people at her intended university. However, due to the difference in ranking, her pride became rigid, she judged people based on prejudice, and even when she met those people, they drifted apart. She couldn't build good relationships with the people she was supposed to meet at that university, and she became isolated. Her self-esteem inflated, she became arrogant, and it became difficult for her to live humbly. Her life plan was ruined. You (her higher spirit) did something unnecessary. You shouldn't have helped her with the exam." I was scolded quite a bit. It seems the point wasn't the university's ranking, but that she was supposed to go to a specific university. Looking back, she seemed to have distanced herself from her rural classmates after entering the university, and it seems her consciousness shifted in a different direction, leading her to make a mistake in her life. It seems it's better not to interfere, even with good intentions. I'm truly sorry for arranging for her to enter a good university.
Whether it's true or not (based on the inspiration I received), she barely graduated, receiving C grades in most subjects due to her inadequate academic ability. However, because of her pride, she performed poorly in interviews at many good companies, and her arrogance showed on her face, causing her to be rejected from not only her first-choice company but also all the listed companies. While it's a decent university from a rural perspective, it's a fairly ordinary university in Tokyo, and good companies look at personality, so they couldn't accept an arrogant woman. It seems her arrogance was so evident that she couldn't even hide it during interviews.
She had a boyfriend, but he became disgusted with her arrogance and broke up with her. She couldn't find a decent job, and even though many companies would have hired her, her pride wouldn't allow it. She was dissatisfied with her job at a small company, and it didn't last long. Also, her family's restaurant in the countryside was old and about to close, and she couldn't return home, so she was in a desperate situation. Because of her pride, she couldn't lower her living standards, and (whether it's true or not), she later fell into a dark path, doing things like becoming a prostitute and having children, and cursing her life.
This, ultimately, was caused by her entering a university that wasn't right for her. If she had entered the university she was supposed to attend and had a normal university life, she wouldn't have ended up like this. Her life was ruined because she entered a university with a slightly good ranking. Whether it's true or not, I've received this kind of information in various situations, so I'm making a note of it.
Well, even so, it's a story that's too perfect, so I feel like it might be my imagination. I'm just making a note of it. Even if it's just an imagination, the lesson that it's better not to interfere with others based on their academic ability seems to be true, so it's like a story that was shown to me (by a demon) to teach that lesson, using convenient materials from my mind, to make it a clear and understandable story.
In reality, it's better not to interfere with others' lives. My higher consciousness (spirit), intending to help, assisted her in getting into the university, but I was later told by guides that "It doesn't matter how high the university's ranking is. She was supposed to go to a different university, and her plans were disrupted. While it's a good university, she was supposed to meet certain people at her intended university. However, due to the difference in ranking, her pride became rigid, she judged people based on prejudice, and even when she met those people, they drifted apart. She couldn't build good relationships with the people she was supposed to meet at that university, and she became isolated. Her self-esteem inflated, she became arrogant, and it became difficult for her to live humbly. Her life plan was ruined. You (her higher spirit) did something unnecessary. You shouldn't have helped her with the exam." I was scolded quite a bit. It seems the point wasn't the university's ranking, but that she was supposed to go to a specific university. Looking back, she seemed to have distanced herself from her rural classmates after entering the university, and it seems her consciousness shifted in a different direction, leading her to make a mistake in her life. It seems it's better not to interfere, even with good intentions. I'm truly sorry for arranging for her to enter a good university.
Whether it's true or not (based on the inspiration I received), she barely graduated, receiving C grades in most subjects due to her inadequate academic ability. However, because of her pride, she performed poorly in interviews at many good companies, and her arrogance showed on her face, causing her to be rejected from not only her first-choice company but also all the listed companies. While it's a decent university from a rural perspective, it's a fairly ordinary university in Tokyo, and good companies look at personality, so they couldn't accept an arrogant woman. It seems her arrogance was so evident that she couldn't even hide it during interviews.
She had a boyfriend, but he became disgusted with her arrogance and broke up with her. She couldn't find a decent job, and even though many companies would have hired her, her pride wouldn't allow it. She was dissatisfied with her job at a small company, and it didn't last long. Also, her family's restaurant in the countryside was old and about to close, and she couldn't return home, so she was in a desperate situation. Because of her pride, she couldn't lower her living standards, and (whether it's true or not), she later fell into a dark path, doing things like becoming a prostitute and having children, and cursing her life.
This, ultimately, was caused by her entering a university that wasn't right for her. If she had entered the university she was supposed to attend and had a normal university life, she wouldn't have ended up like this. Her life was ruined because she entered a university with a slightly good ranking. Whether it's true or not, I've received this kind of information in various situations, so I'm making a note of it.
Well, even so, it's a story that's too perfect, so I feel like it might be my imagination. I'm just making a note of it. Even if it's just an imagination, the lesson that it's better not to interfere with others based on their academic ability seems to be true, so it's like a story that was shown to me (by a demon) to teach that lesson, using convenient materials from my mind, to make it a clear and understandable story.
Creatures with human skin are energy vampires that become human.
Beasts can become human by persistently approaching, using various arguments to convince, and exchanging an "aura of goodness." Conversely, "good" people experience mental instability for decades due to the imposition of a beast's aura.
Beasts claim that "interaction with humans is important," and the media, liberals, and educators echo this, making it seem like a universal truth. However, this is the logic from the beast's perspective. The ones who take energy are the ones who say these things, and they steal energy from "good" people who should be living peacefully.
Therefore, the logical approach for those who want to protect themselves is to "avoid interaction with beasts." While interaction between humans at the same level is fine, humans and beasts should not mix.
While pets like dogs and cats often have positive auras, humans with a beast's aura are worse than pets and are like hyenas. It's better to avoid them.
For example, when I was in elementary school, I was forced to sit next to a classmate (by the teacher) who was mentally challenged, always emotionally unstable, and constantly muttering. For over six months, my aura was continuously drained. Being near him was incredibly tiring. Conversely, he became more energetic and his emotional instability improved over time. The teacher was happy that his emotional instability was improving, but I, who had my aura drained for a long time, was a victim and experienced nothing good. Later, some of his emotional instability transferred to me, making it difficult to concentrate on studying and my grades dropped. It was a terrible experience for me.
Furthermore, when I joined a company, my department head was mentally unstable and would often yell at the entire floor. I didn't want to interact with him, but eventually, I became tired and succumbed to his pressure, and I unintentionally "agreed" with his arguments. Even though I had been careful to avoid contact with him, even a slight "agreement," even if it was just polite conversation, seemed to trigger an "exchange" of auras. At that moment, I clearly felt a connection between my aura and his, and a part of his mentally unstable aura entered me, while my aura entered him. As a result, I became mentally unstable, and he became "a little" more mentally stable and "a good person." I don't know if he understood the situation, but he might have thought he was taking care of his subordinate. However, for me, it was a nuisance and a loss. Before that, he was free to engage in harassment, but around the time a new employee joined, he was called "a good person" by him. I had actually told him various things, which seemed to resonate with him, and he became temporarily "a good person" thanks to my aura. I didn't want to interact with him, but he was so persistently aggressive that I got tired and eventually blurted out, "(You, the department head) are repulsive. You're disgusting." Even for a department head who was always yelling and harassing, that was shocking, and he seemed to re-evaluate his behavior. However, the essence of such people doesn't change, and after I couldn't endure it and quit the company, he continued to harass people, and there were rumors that he was forced to retire, but I don't know if that's true.
There are people like beasts who try to use various arguments to gain "empathy" and become energy vampires. It's better to avoid interacting with beasts. Furthermore, the arrogant and evil feeling of wanting to guide someone almost always fails because the worlds are different. If you leave them alone, they will be fine. Perhaps, one must first fall to that level in order to guide someone. Trying to guide someone while remaining at a higher level seems like spiritual arrogance. If you want to guide someone, it's okay if you first fall to their level and then aim for a higher level together. However, few people go to that extent to help. Guiding someone from a high position is arrogant, so it's better to leave them alone because the worlds are different.
Life is perfect in its entirety, so everyone should live in a different world. Even if it's a life of animals, it's not a problem if it's among animals. Humans don't need to be involved in the world of animals. Just like humans generally don't interfere when animals fight.
Beasts claim that "interaction with humans is important," and the media, liberals, and educators echo this, making it seem like a universal truth. However, this is the logic from the beast's perspective. The ones who take energy are the ones who say these things, and they steal energy from "good" people who should be living peacefully.
Therefore, the logical approach for those who want to protect themselves is to "avoid interaction with beasts." While interaction between humans at the same level is fine, humans and beasts should not mix.
While pets like dogs and cats often have positive auras, humans with a beast's aura are worse than pets and are like hyenas. It's better to avoid them.
For example, when I was in elementary school, I was forced to sit next to a classmate (by the teacher) who was mentally challenged, always emotionally unstable, and constantly muttering. For over six months, my aura was continuously drained. Being near him was incredibly tiring. Conversely, he became more energetic and his emotional instability improved over time. The teacher was happy that his emotional instability was improving, but I, who had my aura drained for a long time, was a victim and experienced nothing good. Later, some of his emotional instability transferred to me, making it difficult to concentrate on studying and my grades dropped. It was a terrible experience for me.
Furthermore, when I joined a company, my department head was mentally unstable and would often yell at the entire floor. I didn't want to interact with him, but eventually, I became tired and succumbed to his pressure, and I unintentionally "agreed" with his arguments. Even though I had been careful to avoid contact with him, even a slight "agreement," even if it was just polite conversation, seemed to trigger an "exchange" of auras. At that moment, I clearly felt a connection between my aura and his, and a part of his mentally unstable aura entered me, while my aura entered him. As a result, I became mentally unstable, and he became "a little" more mentally stable and "a good person." I don't know if he understood the situation, but he might have thought he was taking care of his subordinate. However, for me, it was a nuisance and a loss. Before that, he was free to engage in harassment, but around the time a new employee joined, he was called "a good person" by him. I had actually told him various things, which seemed to resonate with him, and he became temporarily "a good person" thanks to my aura. I didn't want to interact with him, but he was so persistently aggressive that I got tired and eventually blurted out, "(You, the department head) are repulsive. You're disgusting." Even for a department head who was always yelling and harassing, that was shocking, and he seemed to re-evaluate his behavior. However, the essence of such people doesn't change, and after I couldn't endure it and quit the company, he continued to harass people, and there were rumors that he was forced to retire, but I don't know if that's true.
There are people like beasts who try to use various arguments to gain "empathy" and become energy vampires. It's better to avoid interacting with beasts. Furthermore, the arrogant and evil feeling of wanting to guide someone almost always fails because the worlds are different. If you leave them alone, they will be fine. Perhaps, one must first fall to that level in order to guide someone. Trying to guide someone while remaining at a higher level seems like spiritual arrogance. If you want to guide someone, it's okay if you first fall to their level and then aim for a higher level together. However, few people go to that extent to help. Guiding someone from a high position is arrogant, so it's better to leave them alone because the worlds are different.
Life is perfect in its entirety, so everyone should live in a different world. Even if it's a life of animals, it's not a problem if it's among animals. Humans don't need to be involved in the world of animals. Just like humans generally don't interfere when animals fight.
I have difficulty agreeing with the story that says "let's be friends" in moral education at school.
This is a story where children are put in a chaotic zoo-like environment, and adults with liberal ideologies feel self-satisfied while the children suffer. Alternatively, it's a story based on logic alone, with the premise of "making things uniform by mixing them together" (which is something that would never happen). Therefore, there's no need to seriously engage with this and cater to the self-satisfaction of liberals.
There's no need to willingly put yourself in the chaotic vortex of a zoo by "agreeing" with such a story. People have free will, so they have the choice of whether or not to accept that. However, when you are repeatedly and persistently told something in schools, or when you experience undue pressure to conform, you often prioritize that pressure over your own free will. As a result, if you "agree" with such a story, you may be forced to live a difficult life.
Furthermore, "agreeing" has a significant negative impact on your aura. When you are forced to "get along" with people who are like animals, or people who are nothing more than a disguise, once you "agree," a line of aura will form between you and those people with animalistic auras. As a result, the animalistic aura will enter your body. On the other hand, your normal aura will enter the animals, and the animals will become somewhat "normal." However, you will have the animalistic aura entering your body, and once it mixes, it is basically impossible to remove it, so you will suffer for a considerable period of time.
By "agreeing" with such a story, you are essentially identifying yourself with people who are like animals.
Therefore, it's important not to "agree" from the beginning. There is absolutely no need to cater to the arbitrary logic, self-satisfaction, and lack of insight of liberal adults.
You may be thought of as a "bad child" or a "rebellious child" by liberal teachers. However, if your school grades are decent, you will be left alone, so it's better to distance yourself from the liberal teachers' incomprehensible logic.
There's no need to willingly put yourself in the chaotic vortex of a zoo by "agreeing" with such a story. People have free will, so they have the choice of whether or not to accept that. However, when you are repeatedly and persistently told something in schools, or when you experience undue pressure to conform, you often prioritize that pressure over your own free will. As a result, if you "agree" with such a story, you may be forced to live a difficult life.
Furthermore, "agreeing" has a significant negative impact on your aura. When you are forced to "get along" with people who are like animals, or people who are nothing more than a disguise, once you "agree," a line of aura will form between you and those people with animalistic auras. As a result, the animalistic aura will enter your body. On the other hand, your normal aura will enter the animals, and the animals will become somewhat "normal." However, you will have the animalistic aura entering your body, and once it mixes, it is basically impossible to remove it, so you will suffer for a considerable period of time.
By "agreeing" with such a story, you are essentially identifying yourself with people who are like animals.
Therefore, it's important not to "agree" from the beginning. There is absolutely no need to cater to the arbitrary logic, self-satisfaction, and lack of insight of liberal adults.
You may be thought of as a "bad child" or a "rebellious child" by liberal teachers. However, if your school grades are decent, you will be left alone, so it's better to distance yourself from the liberal teachers' incomprehensible logic.
People sometimes smile when they are feeling extremely sad.
When I was having a meal with multiple people, including the person I was interested in, I felt very distressed. I unintentionally acted cold towards the person I liked, which led to misunderstandings. I felt sad when they turned away, even though my behavior was the cause. At the same time, I felt pathetic because I was being ignored by other people, who were putting on fake smiles and looking down on me. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I didn't know what to do. Initially, I experienced mental exhaustion, but when I reached a certain threshold, I started to smile. I felt that if I didn't smile, my mind would collapse. At that moment, my heart was filled with emotions, and I thought, "I can't take it anymore... But there's still almost two hours left. It would be unfair to make these people feel uncomfortable by not talking to them. I should at least try to be hospitable. And then, I'll leave." So, I forced a smile and, with a cheerful tone, asked, "What are your hobbies?" The other people seemed confused, but they gradually started to open up. However, my mental state was still fragile, and I wondered if I could ever find love. In reality, if someone were to approach me with such a vulnerable state, I might easily break down. However, it's rare for women to be proactive, so nothing happened at that time. But if I were in the opposite situation, a woman who is feeling down might easily be won over by a kind man. When the person I was interested in saw my appearance, they seemed confused. Perhaps they misinterpreted my smile as a sign of happiness towards the other people. It's not that simple, but smiles can be difficult to interpret. Even I didn't fully understand the reason for my smile at the time, let alone others. If I were to describe the characteristics of my smile at that moment, it would be like "Gachapin's eyes."
Now that I think about it, that "smile" was the same as when I was relentlessly teased and mocked by my mother, relatives, and classmates, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. At that time, I was feeling the sadness of not being accepted, the sadness of realizing that the relationship was impossible to repair, and I was creating a "smile." Although the gaze was directed at the girls who were with me, it wasn't a smile born of happiness in love. It was a smile born of sadness and misunderstanding from the person I was interested in. In reality, I now think that it would have been better to simply express my feelings directly, but at that time, I had low self-esteem, and I couldn't even properly understand my own feelings. Therefore, I wasn't even aware of who I truly liked. In the end, I either smiled or couldn't suppress my emotions, and my sadness would eventually overflow, causing me to show strange behavior. The other girls were just puzzled, and nothing happened. But now that I think about it, that's probably what it was. It seems difficult to have a romantic relationship if you don't even understand your own emotions and feelings. Of course, it's also true that because it's so difficult, opportunities for romance are precious.
I'm sure there are many other people, besides me, who have experienced situations where they appear to be "happy" when they are actually being bullied. When someone is on the verge of a mental breakdown and their nerves are frayed, their emotions can become overwhelming, leading to a breakdown and a "smile." People who don't understand the feelings of others may simply interpret a smile as "happiness." For example, bullies who don't understand the feelings of others might claim that "the person being bullied was happy" or make a ridiculous statement like, "You like me, don't you? You're a homo." However, when someone's mind is breaking down, they may "smile" as a way to maintain their emotional balance and protect their sanity. Bullies might interpret that smile as "happiness" or, in a more extreme case, think, "They like me! They're smiling like a homo." There are many people in this world who are like beasts and don't understand the feelings of others. There are also many people who completely fail to understand this kind of "sad smile."
Generally, such situations occur, and in similar circumstances, even if someone isn't necessarily being bullied, they might find themselves in a situation that makes them feel very inadequate, leading to a similar feeling of sadness and a tendency to put on a "smile."
For example, when I was younger, a male colleague who invited me to a club misinterpreted my situation, thinking that I was interested in someone other than my "ideal" person. This was because I was showing a sad smile. Even a sad smile can appear as a "like" smile to others.
In a similar situation, the term "mama's boy" is generally understood as a creepy man who is overly attached to his mother. However, I suspect that this understanding stems from a context where there is abuse (from the mother) within the mother-child relationship. Because she is a mother, there is a sense of affection, but because she is also abusive, the child experiences a level of sadness that is quite extreme, and so they might appear to be happy and friendly on the surface. It's possible that this distorted affection is what makes "mama's boys" seem unpleasant to those around them. Children who are abused by their mothers, while also receiving some form of affection, may feel as if they are being abandoned by their mothers, leading to a breakdown of their mental state. To prevent this from happening, they might put on a "sad smile," but this smile might be perceived by others as simply a "like" smile. The mother, seeing this smile, might be happy, and the child might feel a distorted sense of joy knowing that their mother is paying attention to them and not abandoning them. This is what I think is the case with "mama's boys." In my opinion (though this is just a personal view), being a "mama's boy" is more of a mental illness than simply "liking" one's mother.
Furthermore, in a state where a person is mentally controlled by their mother, they might exhibit an abnormal behavior such as "regularly directing their gaze towards a woman they are interested in and acting in a way that suggests attraction, but being unable to act on it because they don't have permission from their mother. They are afraid of their mother's reaction and cannot talk to her about it." As is generally said, "mama's boys" are the worst, and it's best to avoid them. When a woman tries to date a "mama's boy," it often takes a long time, they might not even get a date, or the woman might have to spend a lot of time breaking free from the mother's control. In some cases, the woman might even want to be controlled by the mother instead of the "mama's boy," which is a distorted desire. Ultimately, such a relationship will not work out. Since being a "mama's boy" is a mental illness, it's difficult to have a romantic relationship unless the illness is treated first.
This situation might not always occur between a mother and her son, but similar situations can also occur between a mother and a daughter. I now think that the dependency relationship between a mother and a daughter is surprisingly similar to that of a "mama's boy." However, since I am a male, this is just a speculation about the daughter's situation. Whether it's a boy or a girl, children who are under the control of their parents are unable to do what they want. In some cases, they might become "mama's boys" or dependent daughters who stay with their parents. In other cases, they might become withdrawn and escape from their parents and life. When children know a certain amount of love, they might put on a "sad smile." However, children who don't know love might simply withdraw, become angry, or resort to violence. Without knowing love, children might not exhibit a "sad smile" that is difficult for those around them to understand, and they might simply resort to violence to escape from their constraints. If a child has a predisposition to violence, they might not exhibit a "sad smile" as much. Children become troubled, probably because there is abuse from their parents in the first place. However, even if children are abused by their parents, they might behave quietly and put on a "sad smile" if they don't have a predisposition to violence. On the other hand, if they have a predisposition to violence, they might retaliate with violence against their parents. In some cases, the parents might be the ones who are at fault, while in other cases, both the parents and the children might be at fault. However, even if a child occasionally has a tantrum, it's understandable to some extent if they are in a terrible environment with their parents. Nowadays, it is said that children who resort to violence are immediately isolated and sent to facilities. However, there are many cases where the parents are the cause, and isolating the children alone is quite sad. While isolation might be understandable to avoid negative influences on other children, it is regrettable that being sent to a facility can feel like the end of one's life.
And, in order to break free from such constraints, rebellion may be possible during adolescence, allowing children to gain freedom. However, if a child is strongly suppressed by their parents during the period when they should be rebelling, they may experience a mental breakdown, and subsequently, they may become "mama's boys" or "mama's girls," displaying a "sad smile" and losing their free will. I think the same may be true for daughters who become dependent on their mothers. In such a state, it is likely impossible to have a normal romantic relationship. The idea of listening to one's mother's opinion or having one's mother accompany or interfere with dates, or even dating someone because one's mother approves, seems like a disgusting situation that is caused by the mother's constraints and mental illness. I think it is best to avoid "mama's boys" or women who are overly dependent on their mothers, as is often said in the world. A child can marry if their mother likes the partner, but it is impossible if she does not.
In my own experience, the relationship between my paternal grandmother and her daughter (my aunt from my perspective) was probably like that. My paternal grandmother and grandfather doted on their daughter to an excessive degree, and they spent a lot of money on her, which was essentially exploitation from the perspective of my family.
By understanding this as a basic pattern, various mysterious situations can be better understood.
Now that I think about it, I understand why my family was not as loved by my paternal grandmother and grandfather. Basically, it can be understood in the same pattern, whether it is the grandmother, grandfather, father, or anyone else. On the surface, they were understood as "undesirable people," and I had previously understood my paternal grandfather and grandmother in the context of "do not associate with undesirable people." However, more than that, in the context of this passage, my grandfather and grandmother loved their daughter (my aunt) because they could control and constrain her. My father was seemingly a free spirit, but that was because he was free from his parents (my grandparents). Since he was free from them, he was not loved by his grandparents because they could not control him. That is understandable. My father was constrained by his parents (my grandparents), but he constrained his own child, which is me. This can also be understood in the same context, and the father loves his child as long as he can constrain him. Whether it is the father, mother, grandfather, or grandmother, the same pattern applies: "love exists as long as one can constrain." This understanding is very clear and deeper than simply understanding "do not associate with undesirable people." Therefore, it appears relatively frequently, either generationally or between siblings, such that if the father and grandfather/grandmother are estranged, the father and child (me) have a relationship of constraint, or a relationship of separation. It seems that the pattern of "love exists because one can constrain" and "love does not exist because one cannot constrain" appears alternately. In my case, I was somewhat loved by my father initially, but he suddenly became distant when I broke free from his constraints, and we rarely talked even when I returned home. I think that is what "love through constraint" is like.
The mother's constraints are not only direct abuse or instructions, but also when the child takes or tries to take actions that the mother does not want, she becomes hysterical and rants, and then she starts to act coldly and lose interest, and she says, "Just do whatever you want," and she becomes sulky, but at the same time, the mother becomes depressed and accumulates anger and hatred towards the child, which can even develop into a curse. The child, feeling that this curse is accumulating and will eventually fall upon them, becomes terrified and, as if surrendering to the curse, acknowledges that "I was wrong" and tries to do what the mother says, or makes efforts to improve. Then, the mother becomes somewhat cheerful and makes a misleading statement such as, "See, the mother is right," to affirm her own decisions and actions. Even after that, the mother continues to experience depression and irritability, which troubles the child. The child, who cannot stand being scolded by the mother, let alone being cursed, reluctantly obeys the mother, and eventually, becomes a "good child" in the mother's eyes. That is what a "mama's boy" or a mother-dependent woman is. This is a curse from the mother, but the mother is the one who is sick. However, in general, the child is seen as being wrong, and the child is troubled, but the child should simply ignore a mother who curses them. Or, it might be enough to just pay for their tuition until they graduate from university and then ignore them. I know that if I say such things openly, I might be seen as a "terrible child" for saying such things about my parents, but in this case, the parents are clearly at fault. I have also been unable to voice such opinions for many years due to moral pressure and conformity. I have always thought that I was wrong, but I am not wrong. A parent who curses their child and restricts their behavior and becomes depressed is the bare minimum of social interaction.
Now that I think about it, that "smile" was the same as when I was relentlessly teased and mocked by my mother, relatives, and classmates, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. At that time, I was feeling the sadness of not being accepted, the sadness of realizing that the relationship was impossible to repair, and I was creating a "smile." Although the gaze was directed at the girls who were with me, it wasn't a smile born of happiness in love. It was a smile born of sadness and misunderstanding from the person I was interested in. In reality, I now think that it would have been better to simply express my feelings directly, but at that time, I had low self-esteem, and I couldn't even properly understand my own feelings. Therefore, I wasn't even aware of who I truly liked. In the end, I either smiled or couldn't suppress my emotions, and my sadness would eventually overflow, causing me to show strange behavior. The other girls were just puzzled, and nothing happened. But now that I think about it, that's probably what it was. It seems difficult to have a romantic relationship if you don't even understand your own emotions and feelings. Of course, it's also true that because it's so difficult, opportunities for romance are precious.
I'm sure there are many other people, besides me, who have experienced situations where they appear to be "happy" when they are actually being bullied. When someone is on the verge of a mental breakdown and their nerves are frayed, their emotions can become overwhelming, leading to a breakdown and a "smile." People who don't understand the feelings of others may simply interpret a smile as "happiness." For example, bullies who don't understand the feelings of others might claim that "the person being bullied was happy" or make a ridiculous statement like, "You like me, don't you? You're a homo." However, when someone's mind is breaking down, they may "smile" as a way to maintain their emotional balance and protect their sanity. Bullies might interpret that smile as "happiness" or, in a more extreme case, think, "They like me! They're smiling like a homo." There are many people in this world who are like beasts and don't understand the feelings of others. There are also many people who completely fail to understand this kind of "sad smile."
Generally, such situations occur, and in similar circumstances, even if someone isn't necessarily being bullied, they might find themselves in a situation that makes them feel very inadequate, leading to a similar feeling of sadness and a tendency to put on a "smile."
For example, when I was younger, a male colleague who invited me to a club misinterpreted my situation, thinking that I was interested in someone other than my "ideal" person. This was because I was showing a sad smile. Even a sad smile can appear as a "like" smile to others.
In a similar situation, the term "mama's boy" is generally understood as a creepy man who is overly attached to his mother. However, I suspect that this understanding stems from a context where there is abuse (from the mother) within the mother-child relationship. Because she is a mother, there is a sense of affection, but because she is also abusive, the child experiences a level of sadness that is quite extreme, and so they might appear to be happy and friendly on the surface. It's possible that this distorted affection is what makes "mama's boys" seem unpleasant to those around them. Children who are abused by their mothers, while also receiving some form of affection, may feel as if they are being abandoned by their mothers, leading to a breakdown of their mental state. To prevent this from happening, they might put on a "sad smile," but this smile might be perceived by others as simply a "like" smile. The mother, seeing this smile, might be happy, and the child might feel a distorted sense of joy knowing that their mother is paying attention to them and not abandoning them. This is what I think is the case with "mama's boys." In my opinion (though this is just a personal view), being a "mama's boy" is more of a mental illness than simply "liking" one's mother.
Furthermore, in a state where a person is mentally controlled by their mother, they might exhibit an abnormal behavior such as "regularly directing their gaze towards a woman they are interested in and acting in a way that suggests attraction, but being unable to act on it because they don't have permission from their mother. They are afraid of their mother's reaction and cannot talk to her about it." As is generally said, "mama's boys" are the worst, and it's best to avoid them. When a woman tries to date a "mama's boy," it often takes a long time, they might not even get a date, or the woman might have to spend a lot of time breaking free from the mother's control. In some cases, the woman might even want to be controlled by the mother instead of the "mama's boy," which is a distorted desire. Ultimately, such a relationship will not work out. Since being a "mama's boy" is a mental illness, it's difficult to have a romantic relationship unless the illness is treated first.
This situation might not always occur between a mother and her son, but similar situations can also occur between a mother and a daughter. I now think that the dependency relationship between a mother and a daughter is surprisingly similar to that of a "mama's boy." However, since I am a male, this is just a speculation about the daughter's situation. Whether it's a boy or a girl, children who are under the control of their parents are unable to do what they want. In some cases, they might become "mama's boys" or dependent daughters who stay with their parents. In other cases, they might become withdrawn and escape from their parents and life. When children know a certain amount of love, they might put on a "sad smile." However, children who don't know love might simply withdraw, become angry, or resort to violence. Without knowing love, children might not exhibit a "sad smile" that is difficult for those around them to understand, and they might simply resort to violence to escape from their constraints. If a child has a predisposition to violence, they might not exhibit a "sad smile" as much. Children become troubled, probably because there is abuse from their parents in the first place. However, even if children are abused by their parents, they might behave quietly and put on a "sad smile" if they don't have a predisposition to violence. On the other hand, if they have a predisposition to violence, they might retaliate with violence against their parents. In some cases, the parents might be the ones who are at fault, while in other cases, both the parents and the children might be at fault. However, even if a child occasionally has a tantrum, it's understandable to some extent if they are in a terrible environment with their parents. Nowadays, it is said that children who resort to violence are immediately isolated and sent to facilities. However, there are many cases where the parents are the cause, and isolating the children alone is quite sad. While isolation might be understandable to avoid negative influences on other children, it is regrettable that being sent to a facility can feel like the end of one's life.
And, in order to break free from such constraints, rebellion may be possible during adolescence, allowing children to gain freedom. However, if a child is strongly suppressed by their parents during the period when they should be rebelling, they may experience a mental breakdown, and subsequently, they may become "mama's boys" or "mama's girls," displaying a "sad smile" and losing their free will. I think the same may be true for daughters who become dependent on their mothers. In such a state, it is likely impossible to have a normal romantic relationship. The idea of listening to one's mother's opinion or having one's mother accompany or interfere with dates, or even dating someone because one's mother approves, seems like a disgusting situation that is caused by the mother's constraints and mental illness. I think it is best to avoid "mama's boys" or women who are overly dependent on their mothers, as is often said in the world. A child can marry if their mother likes the partner, but it is impossible if she does not.
In my own experience, the relationship between my paternal grandmother and her daughter (my aunt from my perspective) was probably like that. My paternal grandmother and grandfather doted on their daughter to an excessive degree, and they spent a lot of money on her, which was essentially exploitation from the perspective of my family.
By understanding this as a basic pattern, various mysterious situations can be better understood.
Now that I think about it, I understand why my family was not as loved by my paternal grandmother and grandfather. Basically, it can be understood in the same pattern, whether it is the grandmother, grandfather, father, or anyone else. On the surface, they were understood as "undesirable people," and I had previously understood my paternal grandfather and grandmother in the context of "do not associate with undesirable people." However, more than that, in the context of this passage, my grandfather and grandmother loved their daughter (my aunt) because they could control and constrain her. My father was seemingly a free spirit, but that was because he was free from his parents (my grandparents). Since he was free from them, he was not loved by his grandparents because they could not control him. That is understandable. My father was constrained by his parents (my grandparents), but he constrained his own child, which is me. This can also be understood in the same context, and the father loves his child as long as he can constrain him. Whether it is the father, mother, grandfather, or grandmother, the same pattern applies: "love exists as long as one can constrain." This understanding is very clear and deeper than simply understanding "do not associate with undesirable people." Therefore, it appears relatively frequently, either generationally or between siblings, such that if the father and grandfather/grandmother are estranged, the father and child (me) have a relationship of constraint, or a relationship of separation. It seems that the pattern of "love exists because one can constrain" and "love does not exist because one cannot constrain" appears alternately. In my case, I was somewhat loved by my father initially, but he suddenly became distant when I broke free from his constraints, and we rarely talked even when I returned home. I think that is what "love through constraint" is like.
The mother's constraints are not only direct abuse or instructions, but also when the child takes or tries to take actions that the mother does not want, she becomes hysterical and rants, and then she starts to act coldly and lose interest, and she says, "Just do whatever you want," and she becomes sulky, but at the same time, the mother becomes depressed and accumulates anger and hatred towards the child, which can even develop into a curse. The child, feeling that this curse is accumulating and will eventually fall upon them, becomes terrified and, as if surrendering to the curse, acknowledges that "I was wrong" and tries to do what the mother says, or makes efforts to improve. Then, the mother becomes somewhat cheerful and makes a misleading statement such as, "See, the mother is right," to affirm her own decisions and actions. Even after that, the mother continues to experience depression and irritability, which troubles the child. The child, who cannot stand being scolded by the mother, let alone being cursed, reluctantly obeys the mother, and eventually, becomes a "good child" in the mother's eyes. That is what a "mama's boy" or a mother-dependent woman is. This is a curse from the mother, but the mother is the one who is sick. However, in general, the child is seen as being wrong, and the child is troubled, but the child should simply ignore a mother who curses them. Or, it might be enough to just pay for their tuition until they graduate from university and then ignore them. I know that if I say such things openly, I might be seen as a "terrible child" for saying such things about my parents, but in this case, the parents are clearly at fault. I have also been unable to voice such opinions for many years due to moral pressure and conformity. I have always thought that I was wrong, but I am not wrong. A parent who curses their child and restricts their behavior and becomes depressed is the bare minimum of social interaction.
Matercon is abuse of a child by a mother.
"Matercon" (a term referring to an overly attached mother) is indeed a problem for men, but I believe it's more accurately described as a problem of the mother, and a form of abuse by the mother towards the child. I hope society will widely recognize and understand this. At least, with the issue of "Mother-in-law problem" (problems with mothers-in-law), there has been increasing awareness of harassment towards wives. However, the underlying issue is the same: while resistance to a mother-in-law's control is often tolerated, resistance to a mother's control is still often not tolerated. I believe there are many children who cannot resist their mother's control and hysteria. If we don't liberate these children, marriage and childbirth will not increase. In fact, I think that a mother's control is one of the factors contributing to the declining birth rate. This may be difficult for many mothers to understand as something that concerns them personally, but the reason why children don't get married or can't have romantic relationships may be due to their mothers, and that is a form of abuse. The mothers themselves may only think of it as discipline, so they will deny it if they are told it is abuse. In fact, my mother defended her behavior of repeatedly and strongly hitting my head and not providing me with food as discipline, even when my classmates' parents pointed it out as abuse. It may be difficult for her to accept that fact. However, no matter how much the mother tries to justify it, it is abuse. Repeatedly hitting someone is abuse, and even if it is not widely recognized, frequently restricting behavior with hysteria and anger can be considered abuse, just like "Mother-in-law bullying" (harassment by mothers-in-law).
When children are subjected to such control for a long time, their free will disappears. Initially, there is a smile that expresses "sadness," but eventually, they get used to it, and that emotion becomes normal. The "sadness" disappears from the surface, and only a smile-like expression remains, making it difficult to distinguish from a normal smile. This may be difficult to understand. "Sadness" appears when something is "rejected," but if the child is not rejected and continues to act as the mother wants, they will rarely be rejected, and as long as they follow what their mother says, they can maintain a "smile." As a result, a child who appears to be smiling may actually be mentally ill, and this may not be apparent from the outside.
Therefore, it is only during the transitional period that one can notice this kind of "sad smile." Once the child becomes stable and starts acting as the mother wants, only the "smile" remains, making it difficult to notice. For the mother, the child may seem like a "good child," so it becomes difficult to notice the darkness in the child's heart after the transitional period.
A mother who controls others is often immature, and a child who experiences "sadness" is sensitive. In terms of the soul's age, the child may be more mature. In such cases, the mother is obviously older in terms of physical age, but the child may be far more mature in terms of the soul's age and maturity. Therefore, it seems almost impossible for a mother with an immature soul to understand the feelings of a child with a mature soul.
When children are subjected to such control for a long time, their free will disappears. Initially, there is a smile that expresses "sadness," but eventually, they get used to it, and that emotion becomes normal. The "sadness" disappears from the surface, and only a smile-like expression remains, making it difficult to distinguish from a normal smile. This may be difficult to understand. "Sadness" appears when something is "rejected," but if the child is not rejected and continues to act as the mother wants, they will rarely be rejected, and as long as they follow what their mother says, they can maintain a "smile." As a result, a child who appears to be smiling may actually be mentally ill, and this may not be apparent from the outside.
Therefore, it is only during the transitional period that one can notice this kind of "sad smile." Once the child becomes stable and starts acting as the mother wants, only the "smile" remains, making it difficult to notice. For the mother, the child may seem like a "good child," so it becomes difficult to notice the darkness in the child's heart after the transitional period.
A mother who controls others is often immature, and a child who experiences "sadness" is sensitive. In terms of the soul's age, the child may be more mature. In such cases, the mother is obviously older in terms of physical age, but the child may be far more mature in terms of the soul's age and maturity. Therefore, it seems almost impossible for a mother with an immature soul to understand the feelings of a child with a mature soul.
Overcoming coercion by one's mother.
Looking back, even at gatherings with university students, I initially felt sadness. However, since I assumed I wouldn't be noticed (due to low self-esteem), I decided to be accommodating and act in a way that pleased them. It seems that from their perspective, I appeared to be smiling and happy, perhaps as if I was interested in one of them, but in reality, I had already moved past the sadness, so they may have perceived it that way. I probably wore a "sad smile" for the first 10 to 15 minutes, but eventually, I lost my emotions, and even though my face was still "smiling," it's a contradiction. This is because, while my mind was collapsing and I was losing emotions, my body was naturally and unconsciously exhibiting a "smile" as a biological response. It could be described as a "smile" during a state of mental breakdown or near-breakdown. In reality, I had created this kind of "indifferent, sad" smile countless times in my relationship with my mother. It was just a habitual pattern, and I was probably creating a sad (or seemingly not sad) smile, like a "Gachapin." This likely caused misunderstandings, but in reality, I wasn't smiling; I was sad. These complex feelings likely led others, especially women, to perceive me as a "troublesome person," and I wasn't often approached. In fact, many women's intuition is correct that they shouldn't approach men who are overly attached to their mothers.
I believe I have been striving for a constant state of bliss through meditation and spirituality for many years, seeking a happiness that exists regardless of reason.
Furthermore, this kind of maternal control and "mama's boy" behavior casts a dark shadow on morality and social norms. While Japanese people are taught to be aware of "shame" and to avoid doing things that would cause them to feel ashamed, children who are under the control of their mothers prioritize escaping that control. For example, they might cheat on tests or engage in unhealthy sexual behavior. Or, they might deliberately fail a test to disappoint their parents. Some might even suddenly move abroad for a long period, pursuing a career path different from what their mothers want, in order to disappoint them. Even people who wouldn't normally engage in such behavior will take extreme actions solely to escape their mother's control. The mother, whose morality and social standing have been tarnished, becomes angry and often treats the child as a "bad child," but the child knows that only by disappointing the mother can there be a possibility of the mother truly connecting with them. Therefore, the child wastes their valuable time in the long term, just to disappoint their mother. There is a risk that the mother might abandon the child, but they deliberately disappoint her. They intentionally or unconsciously engage in foolish behaviors that they wouldn't normally do, just to escape their mother's control. The extent of this behavior seems to be proportional to the strength of the mother's control. If the control is strong, the child is more likely to take extreme actions. Since the child cannot escape the mother's control through words, they resort to extreme actions as a last resort. This can lead to foolish outcomes, but for talented individuals, it can lead to positive outcomes. I know a certain talented person who was probably also controlled by their parents. They initially went to a bank as their parents expected, but they actually wanted to work for the United Nations. To do that, they needed practical experience and qualifications. They wanted to go to the UN after graduating from university, but that path was difficult, so they initially went to the bank as their parents expected. However, they became disillusioned with the bank and eventually quit, somewhat disappointing their parents. After that, they gained experience working for a foreign company in the field they wanted to work in, obtained the necessary qualifications, and even went to a foreign university. Eventually, they successfully got a job at the United Nations. It's likely that they also experienced parental control, but even if they had to disappoint their parents, truly talented people surpass their parents' expectations. Even without going that far, deliberately failing and disappointing their parents to escape control is a common story. By the way, this talented man later came out as LGBTQ, but in my opinion, he feels that way because his mind is constrained. His aura is clearly that of a male, so I believe that if his mental issues are resolved, he will return to his true gender. I'm just observing his progress, but I don't tell him this directly. Mental problems are often linked to sexual identity. Even if someone identifies as LGBTQ, it may often be because their sexual awakening is delayed due to parental control.
I believe I have been striving for a constant state of bliss through meditation and spirituality for many years, seeking a happiness that exists regardless of reason.
Furthermore, this kind of maternal control and "mama's boy" behavior casts a dark shadow on morality and social norms. While Japanese people are taught to be aware of "shame" and to avoid doing things that would cause them to feel ashamed, children who are under the control of their mothers prioritize escaping that control. For example, they might cheat on tests or engage in unhealthy sexual behavior. Or, they might deliberately fail a test to disappoint their parents. Some might even suddenly move abroad for a long period, pursuing a career path different from what their mothers want, in order to disappoint them. Even people who wouldn't normally engage in such behavior will take extreme actions solely to escape their mother's control. The mother, whose morality and social standing have been tarnished, becomes angry and often treats the child as a "bad child," but the child knows that only by disappointing the mother can there be a possibility of the mother truly connecting with them. Therefore, the child wastes their valuable time in the long term, just to disappoint their mother. There is a risk that the mother might abandon the child, but they deliberately disappoint her. They intentionally or unconsciously engage in foolish behaviors that they wouldn't normally do, just to escape their mother's control. The extent of this behavior seems to be proportional to the strength of the mother's control. If the control is strong, the child is more likely to take extreme actions. Since the child cannot escape the mother's control through words, they resort to extreme actions as a last resort. This can lead to foolish outcomes, but for talented individuals, it can lead to positive outcomes. I know a certain talented person who was probably also controlled by their parents. They initially went to a bank as their parents expected, but they actually wanted to work for the United Nations. To do that, they needed practical experience and qualifications. They wanted to go to the UN after graduating from university, but that path was difficult, so they initially went to the bank as their parents expected. However, they became disillusioned with the bank and eventually quit, somewhat disappointing their parents. After that, they gained experience working for a foreign company in the field they wanted to work in, obtained the necessary qualifications, and even went to a foreign university. Eventually, they successfully got a job at the United Nations. It's likely that they also experienced parental control, but even if they had to disappoint their parents, truly talented people surpass their parents' expectations. Even without going that far, deliberately failing and disappointing their parents to escape control is a common story. By the way, this talented man later came out as LGBTQ, but in my opinion, he feels that way because his mind is constrained. His aura is clearly that of a male, so I believe that if his mental issues are resolved, he will return to his true gender. I'm just observing his progress, but I don't tell him this directly. Mental problems are often linked to sexual identity. Even if someone identifies as LGBTQ, it may often be because their sexual awakening is delayed due to parental control.
It is possible that someone, feeling overwhelmingly sad about the possibility of losing the war, might force themselves to smile.
I imagine that, towards the end of World War II, there must have been a certain number of people who were smiling, perhaps because it was too sad.
My grandmother went to the Truk Islands as a nurse at the beginning of the war. Initially, things were good, but the situation gradually worsened, and the ship she returned on was sunk. She said she went at a good time and barely made it back. She also had some happy memories, and when I heard those stories as a child, I simply understood them as happy memories. However, now I think that she might have been smiling to alleviate the sadness, as a natural human response or defense mechanism.
As the situation worsened, she couldn't even provide proper treatment. She would just bring people into the clinic, lay them down, and ask if they were okay, but people were dying one after another.
In that vein, when I visited the Chiran Peace Museum, I saw a unit called "Hogaraka-tai," and there were depictions of people who appeared to be in their normal attire, preparing for a kamikaze attack. I've visited the museum three times, and when I was young, I simply accepted those smiles as happy ones. But now, I think that these kinds of smiles are not simple smiles; they are smiles that people resort to because their sadness has exceeded the limit.
Recently, some people on the left have been saying various things, but I think that these elite members of the kamikaze units, due to their education and military networks, probably understood the situation well. Even so, when faced with a situation where they were going to die, there was nothing they could say, so they smiled and died, I think.
Even without going to that extreme, there are situations in modern life where people smile because it's too sad. The smile that comes from being crushed by despair is a smile that is simply a smile on the surface, but it is a smile mixed with complex emotions, and it is not something you see every day.
I believe that experiencing this extreme form of smile allows a person to grow, even if only a little.
And even without experiencing it, understanding this kind of smile to some extent deepens one's understanding of one's own and others' emotions.
Initially, anger and indignation may arise. When you realize that no matter how much you are crushed and angry, it is useless, you first become incredibly sad.
Among those who talk about their war experiences, those who talk about anger and indignation are still in the early stages; as they move beyond that, they become sad.
And after going through sadness, they eventually smile. The sadness becomes so unbearable that even sadness seems small, and you are overwhelmed by a sense of disappointment so great that you have no choice but to smile.
Simply thinking, "They are happy," when seeing this is too simplistic. People who don't understand the nuances of human emotions cannot understand the emotions of others. For example, a bully who says, "But they were smiling," doesn't understand the relationship between sadness and a smile.
The same is true when a business fails. Your confidence is shattered, you lose money, and you reach a point where you have no choice but to smile.
The same may be true of heartbreak, where you may have no choice but to smile.
Situations where a smile is simply understood as a smile are actually not that common in real life. Only simple people exhibit such simple smiles, but complex smiles require a certain amount of life experience to understand. Simple people cannot understand complex smiles, and only complex people can understand complex smiles. The smile of a beast-like, savage person is appropriate in its own way, and complex smiles are what people in the performing arts, such as those who perform on stage, try to express. However, even those who watch it need a certain level of understanding.
Therefore, I believe that only people who have accumulated life experience and have a certain level of understanding can understand this kind of smile.
My grandmother went to the Truk Islands as a nurse at the beginning of the war. Initially, things were good, but the situation gradually worsened, and the ship she returned on was sunk. She said she went at a good time and barely made it back. She also had some happy memories, and when I heard those stories as a child, I simply understood them as happy memories. However, now I think that she might have been smiling to alleviate the sadness, as a natural human response or defense mechanism.
As the situation worsened, she couldn't even provide proper treatment. She would just bring people into the clinic, lay them down, and ask if they were okay, but people were dying one after another.
In that vein, when I visited the Chiran Peace Museum, I saw a unit called "Hogaraka-tai," and there were depictions of people who appeared to be in their normal attire, preparing for a kamikaze attack. I've visited the museum three times, and when I was young, I simply accepted those smiles as happy ones. But now, I think that these kinds of smiles are not simple smiles; they are smiles that people resort to because their sadness has exceeded the limit.
Recently, some people on the left have been saying various things, but I think that these elite members of the kamikaze units, due to their education and military networks, probably understood the situation well. Even so, when faced with a situation where they were going to die, there was nothing they could say, so they smiled and died, I think.
Even without going to that extreme, there are situations in modern life where people smile because it's too sad. The smile that comes from being crushed by despair is a smile that is simply a smile on the surface, but it is a smile mixed with complex emotions, and it is not something you see every day.
I believe that experiencing this extreme form of smile allows a person to grow, even if only a little.
And even without experiencing it, understanding this kind of smile to some extent deepens one's understanding of one's own and others' emotions.
Initially, anger and indignation may arise. When you realize that no matter how much you are crushed and angry, it is useless, you first become incredibly sad.
Among those who talk about their war experiences, those who talk about anger and indignation are still in the early stages; as they move beyond that, they become sad.
And after going through sadness, they eventually smile. The sadness becomes so unbearable that even sadness seems small, and you are overwhelmed by a sense of disappointment so great that you have no choice but to smile.
Simply thinking, "They are happy," when seeing this is too simplistic. People who don't understand the nuances of human emotions cannot understand the emotions of others. For example, a bully who says, "But they were smiling," doesn't understand the relationship between sadness and a smile.
The same is true when a business fails. Your confidence is shattered, you lose money, and you reach a point where you have no choice but to smile.
The same may be true of heartbreak, where you may have no choice but to smile.
Situations where a smile is simply understood as a smile are actually not that common in real life. Only simple people exhibit such simple smiles, but complex smiles require a certain amount of life experience to understand. Simple people cannot understand complex smiles, and only complex people can understand complex smiles. The smile of a beast-like, savage person is appropriate in its own way, and complex smiles are what people in the performing arts, such as those who perform on stage, try to express. However, even those who watch it need a certain level of understanding.
Therefore, I believe that only people who have accumulated life experience and have a certain level of understanding can understand this kind of smile.
Love based on constraint is like the emperor and his subjects in imperialism.
It is understood that although the scale is different, the structure is the same.
- A mother's attachment to her child (resulting in a mother's love for her child).
- A mother-in-law's attachment to her daughter-in-law (resulting in a mother-in-law's love for her daughter-in-law).
- A father's attachment to his child (resulting in a father's love for his child).
- A husband's attachment to his wife (resulting in a husband's love for his wife).
- A wife's attachment to her husband (resulting in a wife's love for her husband).
- (In imperialism) A subordinate's attachment to the emperor (resulting in the emperor's love for his subordinates).
It is understood that in all of these, as long as loyalty is pledged, there is a relationship of love through attachment.
On the other hand, the reality is that the person being attached to is either obedient or, conversely, may be plotting rebellion, creating a tense relationship.
They also share the commonality that if there is no loyalty, it turns into hatred.
For example, a mother-in-law will view a wife who does not follow her instructions as an enemy.
A mother or father will feel hatred towards a child who does not obey.
A husband who is possessive will feel resentment if his wife does not obey him.
A wife who is controlling will become hysterical if her husband does not obey her.
All of these have the same structure.
Furthermore, in cases where the person is completely mentally enslaved, they may exhibit a "sad smile" to barely prevent mental breakdown, while seemingly living happily.
- A mother's attachment to her child (resulting in a mother's love for her child).
- A mother-in-law's attachment to her daughter-in-law (resulting in a mother-in-law's love for her daughter-in-law).
- A father's attachment to his child (resulting in a father's love for his child).
- A husband's attachment to his wife (resulting in a husband's love for his wife).
- A wife's attachment to her husband (resulting in a wife's love for her husband).
- (In imperialism) A subordinate's attachment to the emperor (resulting in the emperor's love for his subordinates).
It is understood that in all of these, as long as loyalty is pledged, there is a relationship of love through attachment.
On the other hand, the reality is that the person being attached to is either obedient or, conversely, may be plotting rebellion, creating a tense relationship.
They also share the commonality that if there is no loyalty, it turns into hatred.
For example, a mother-in-law will view a wife who does not follow her instructions as an enemy.
A mother or father will feel hatred towards a child who does not obey.
A husband who is possessive will feel resentment if his wife does not obey him.
A wife who is controlling will become hysterical if her husband does not obey her.
All of these have the same structure.
Furthermore, in cases where the person is completely mentally enslaved, they may exhibit a "sad smile" to barely prevent mental breakdown, while seemingly living happily.
If it is too spicy, I will quickly lose my memory.
When I think back, there were times in kindergarten when I was bullied and so sad that I could only force myself to smile. Or, in elementary school, I was relentlessly harassed by my classmates, who treated me like a girl despite being a boy. At that time, I think I lost my memories quite early. Sometimes, I would lose my memories as soon as I went to sleep at night, and I would quickly forget the previous day's bullying or arguments, and the next day I would act normally.
At the time, I thought I was good at moving on, or maybe I was just forgetful. But I think this was a defense mechanism to protect my mind. Especially during high school, I experienced a mental breakdown similar to Kamille from Z Gundam. But even before that, there were signs of it, and I often forgot things from the previous day or had a terrible memory, starting from elementary school. However, I could memorize textbooks perfectly for school, so my memory itself wasn't that bad. I just forgot the painful things quickly.
Sometimes, I would casually talk to a friend I had just argued with, not remembering what happened yesterday, while the friend was still angry. To be honest, that friend wasn't really a close friend, just a classmate. But only the good memories remained, and the bad memories were gradually forgotten. I was relentlessly bullied, and it was painful. But because I forgot it quickly, the bullies and classmates would smirk and take advantage of me, treating me like a target and harassing me in a disgusting way, like a girl. There were so many disgusting men in the world, it was unbelievable.
However, I vaguely remember the faces of the people who bullied me, but they are mostly gone, and I quickly forgot their names. Now, I barely remember them, and I wonder if they even existed. I think this is a human defense mechanism.
Regarding the people who bullied me, it's like it's not even important, and it's completely erased from my memory. It's been completely erased from my memory, so it's not a trauma, and I don't have flashbacks, and even if I try to remember, I can't. I still remember things that are worth remembering, and I sometimes recall things that need to be addressed or key events, or have flashbacks as a trauma. But I have almost no memory of the people who bullied me. I haven't confirmed this with my childhood friends, but it's as if the timeline has changed, and those painful past experiences, along with the bullies, have disappeared from my memory. No matter how hard I try to remember, I can't, so I think being bullied was so meaningless and worthless that it didn't even need to be remembered.
However, the fact that I was relentlessly bullied is true. But due to the human defense mechanism, their faces, names, and words have completely disappeared from my memory. Therefore, it can be said that there were signs of this even before high school, when I experienced a mental breakdown like Kamille.
At the time, I thought I was good at moving on, or maybe I was just forgetful. But I think this was a defense mechanism to protect my mind. Especially during high school, I experienced a mental breakdown similar to Kamille from Z Gundam. But even before that, there were signs of it, and I often forgot things from the previous day or had a terrible memory, starting from elementary school. However, I could memorize textbooks perfectly for school, so my memory itself wasn't that bad. I just forgot the painful things quickly.
Sometimes, I would casually talk to a friend I had just argued with, not remembering what happened yesterday, while the friend was still angry. To be honest, that friend wasn't really a close friend, just a classmate. But only the good memories remained, and the bad memories were gradually forgotten. I was relentlessly bullied, and it was painful. But because I forgot it quickly, the bullies and classmates would smirk and take advantage of me, treating me like a target and harassing me in a disgusting way, like a girl. There were so many disgusting men in the world, it was unbelievable.
However, I vaguely remember the faces of the people who bullied me, but they are mostly gone, and I quickly forgot their names. Now, I barely remember them, and I wonder if they even existed. I think this is a human defense mechanism.
Regarding the people who bullied me, it's like it's not even important, and it's completely erased from my memory. It's been completely erased from my memory, so it's not a trauma, and I don't have flashbacks, and even if I try to remember, I can't. I still remember things that are worth remembering, and I sometimes recall things that need to be addressed or key events, or have flashbacks as a trauma. But I have almost no memory of the people who bullied me. I haven't confirmed this with my childhood friends, but it's as if the timeline has changed, and those painful past experiences, along with the bullies, have disappeared from my memory. No matter how hard I try to remember, I can't, so I think being bullied was so meaningless and worthless that it didn't even need to be remembered.
However, the fact that I was relentlessly bullied is true. But due to the human defense mechanism, their faces, names, and words have completely disappeared from my memory. Therefore, it can be said that there were signs of this even before high school, when I experienced a mental breakdown like Kamille.
Every time I make a mistake in the classroom, some classmates and some teachers laugh at me and make fun of me.
As mentioned earlier, some classmates and certain teachers in the same classroom were constantly making fun of me, and I had a very uncomfortable and unpleasant high school life. Afterwards, it seems that the issue of the teacher's behavior towards me became a problem among the staff, and I was suddenly transferred at the end of my first year. At that time, she seemed to realize her mistake, but by then, I had already given up on her and was ignoring her. However, she suddenly started treating me with a "hesitant" attitude. However, after constantly making fun of me and some classmates also joined in, encouraging the situation where teachers and students would laugh at me whenever I made a mistake, what is the point of trying to cover it up now? However, even in that school, some self-correcting mechanisms seemed to be working during staff meetings.
And then, unbelievably, and perhaps due to a misunderstanding, that classmate called me after graduation, and she continued to act in the same mocking and condescending manner, making unpleasant and hateful remarks. So, the day after I received the call, I canceled my mobile phone contract and felt relieved.
I really, really don't want to associate with stupid people. Not only are they stupid, but I don't want to associate with people who, without any basis, look down on others or think it's okay to laugh at them, in other words, people whose minds are not normal.
And then, unbelievably, and perhaps due to a misunderstanding, that classmate called me after graduation, and she continued to act in the same mocking and condescending manner, making unpleasant and hateful remarks. So, the day after I received the call, I canceled my mobile phone contract and felt relieved.
I really, really don't want to associate with stupid people. Not only are they stupid, but I don't want to associate with people who, without any basis, look down on others or think it's okay to laugh at them, in other words, people whose minds are not normal.
During high school, it was clear that I had some cognitive impairments.
And, because I was constantly placed in stressful environments where I was ridiculed and potentially subjected to violence by those around me, even minor things would trigger panic and trauma, making it impossible for me to study properly. My grades suffered, and I started to lose the ability to understand what the teacher was saying or what was written on the blackboard. For example, even though I could normally read Japanese, I would struggle to understand the wording of math problems, and when I would say something like, "What does that mean?" the classmates would laugh and look down on me, and even the teacher would join in with a thin smile, making my panic symptoms and trauma even worse, making it impossible for me to process the information and think. And, after a while, I would realize that it was just a normal Japanese problem, but I would experience panic attacks and an inability to think clearly in front of certain classmates and some teachers.
Even when I was working on game development, which was my hobby, I was able to overcome my trauma and panic by focusing intensely on the programming. However, during monotonous school lessons, I would experience panic attacks. When I tried to concentrate or understand something in a lesson, my mind would feel like it was breaking, and suddenly I would be overwhelmed by panic, my vision would be filled with images and trauma, and I would fall into an unclear state, almost like a trance. To avoid this, I had to maintain a level of "concentration" that was more than necessary, which led to a very tiring daily life. As a result, it took me much longer to memorize and understand things compared to when I was in middle school, and my studies were not progressing well. Whenever I tried to memorize something, I would immediately experience panic symptoms, and when I tried to understand or think about a solution, I would experience panic symptoms again, making it impossible for me to study. Eventually, I would become so exhausted from dealing with the panic attacks that I would fall asleep.
Those classmates and teachers were essentially bullying and hindering me. There are people like that in this world. I believe that those low-class people who are comfortable making fun of others are simply living their lives honestly. However, interacting with people who are so comfortable making fun of others only puts you at a disadvantage, so it's best to let those low-class people insult each other and cut ties with them.
During high school, I endured it as much as I could, and as soon as I entered university, I cut off all ties. This is often described as "quickly resetting relationships," but it was more of a result of enduring for three years in high school with the thought of "I can cut ties with these ridiculous classmates when I enter university." This "resetting of relationships from high school" was the result of years of thought and decision-making, and it was not a spur-of-the-moment decision.
Sometimes, "resetting relationships is not good" is mentioned, but what is the point of interacting with people who are so comfortable making fun of others? It's a waste of time and only damages your mental health, so it's best to distance yourself. There is no room for doubt about that. Moreover, even just hearing the voices or seeing the faces of those friends and teachers triggered panic attacks at the time, so I had no choice but to "distance myself" in order to recover my mental state.
If you look at it from a different perspective, you could say that they were never really friends in the first place. The fact that those classmates made fun of me and hindered me, and even distorted my perception and caused panic attacks, shows that they are not friends, but rather people who are below contempt. Therefore, it's not a matter of cutting ties, but rather that those classmates were the ones who mistakenly thought they were friends, while I never thought of them as friends in the first place. Other people were even worse, so I had to talk to the least bad ones and pretend to be friends. I didn't think of them as friends, so it wasn't really a matter of resetting relationships, but rather that those classmates were the ones who mistakenly thought they were friends. That's how it can be interpreted. I don't remember much from that time, but I think I didn't really consider them to be good friends.
Objectively, the situation where "those classmates would laugh at and look down on me with the teacher's consent" and the reverse was never the case is clearly wrong. It's completely wrong for me to accept that situation, and I was essentially rejecting it. However, whether it was the classmates or the teachers, they would respond with an attitude of "you're stupid" if I didn't accept their bullying behavior. The teachers were also ignorant and low-class people, and the same goes for the classmates.
To begin with, I absolutely could not imitate the behavior of that classmate, which was vulgar and disrespectful to others. However, that teacher and the other classmates seemed to think that my words were not vulgar or offensive, and they seemed to be from a completely different world, a lower class of people than I am.
Whenever I said something, the classmates would "explode" with an enormous, loud, and mocking laughter, and my words would be silenced or denied through unspoken pressure and sometimes violence. As the situation escalated, the classmates would laugh loudly, and the sound would echo through the classroom, sometimes loud enough to be heard in the next classroom, as they looked down on and ridiculed me, all with the "consent" of the teacher.
I endured that environment until I graduated from high school, and I finally managed to cut off those relationships when I entered university and moved to Tokyo.
The classmates who had ridiculed me so much eventually entered a relatively unknown university with a low academic score of around 45. (Although university alone doesn't define a person,) the fact that the person who had been continuously ridiculing me for several years was only that kind of person makes me think, "I was troubled by such a trivial person for so long." I had no need to associate with people who are not only unintelligent but also have bad manners, are rude, and think it's natural to laugh and look down on others. I had no reason to be troubled by them, and they were clearly residents of a completely different world than the peaceful world I wanted to live in, a lower, bottom-tier world. I had a glimpse of the bottom.
I do not deny that there is a bottom-tier world where people laugh and look down on others. Those people can freely ridicule and belittle others, feel self-satisfied, and enjoy their lives. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss," and they will probably be able to live their lives happily. Since it is a life that is beyond their means, it is a very wonderful thing.
However, I want you to have absolutely nothing to do with me. I will not waste my time with trivial people.
It is a basic principle, regardless of gender, that people do not want to associate with unintelligent people. I absolutely do not want to associate with people who look down on others, laugh at them, and belittle them. During high school, I had no choice but to associate with them as a conversational partner because there was no escape. But now that I have entered university and have the "freedom to choose relationships," I immediately want to distance myself from those people.
Even when I was working on game development, which was my hobby, I was able to overcome my trauma and panic by focusing intensely on the programming. However, during monotonous school lessons, I would experience panic attacks. When I tried to concentrate or understand something in a lesson, my mind would feel like it was breaking, and suddenly I would be overwhelmed by panic, my vision would be filled with images and trauma, and I would fall into an unclear state, almost like a trance. To avoid this, I had to maintain a level of "concentration" that was more than necessary, which led to a very tiring daily life. As a result, it took me much longer to memorize and understand things compared to when I was in middle school, and my studies were not progressing well. Whenever I tried to memorize something, I would immediately experience panic symptoms, and when I tried to understand or think about a solution, I would experience panic symptoms again, making it impossible for me to study. Eventually, I would become so exhausted from dealing with the panic attacks that I would fall asleep.
Those classmates and teachers were essentially bullying and hindering me. There are people like that in this world. I believe that those low-class people who are comfortable making fun of others are simply living their lives honestly. However, interacting with people who are so comfortable making fun of others only puts you at a disadvantage, so it's best to let those low-class people insult each other and cut ties with them.
During high school, I endured it as much as I could, and as soon as I entered university, I cut off all ties. This is often described as "quickly resetting relationships," but it was more of a result of enduring for three years in high school with the thought of "I can cut ties with these ridiculous classmates when I enter university." This "resetting of relationships from high school" was the result of years of thought and decision-making, and it was not a spur-of-the-moment decision.
Sometimes, "resetting relationships is not good" is mentioned, but what is the point of interacting with people who are so comfortable making fun of others? It's a waste of time and only damages your mental health, so it's best to distance yourself. There is no room for doubt about that. Moreover, even just hearing the voices or seeing the faces of those friends and teachers triggered panic attacks at the time, so I had no choice but to "distance myself" in order to recover my mental state.
If you look at it from a different perspective, you could say that they were never really friends in the first place. The fact that those classmates made fun of me and hindered me, and even distorted my perception and caused panic attacks, shows that they are not friends, but rather people who are below contempt. Therefore, it's not a matter of cutting ties, but rather that those classmates were the ones who mistakenly thought they were friends, while I never thought of them as friends in the first place. Other people were even worse, so I had to talk to the least bad ones and pretend to be friends. I didn't think of them as friends, so it wasn't really a matter of resetting relationships, but rather that those classmates were the ones who mistakenly thought they were friends. That's how it can be interpreted. I don't remember much from that time, but I think I didn't really consider them to be good friends.
Objectively, the situation where "those classmates would laugh at and look down on me with the teacher's consent" and the reverse was never the case is clearly wrong. It's completely wrong for me to accept that situation, and I was essentially rejecting it. However, whether it was the classmates or the teachers, they would respond with an attitude of "you're stupid" if I didn't accept their bullying behavior. The teachers were also ignorant and low-class people, and the same goes for the classmates.
To begin with, I absolutely could not imitate the behavior of that classmate, which was vulgar and disrespectful to others. However, that teacher and the other classmates seemed to think that my words were not vulgar or offensive, and they seemed to be from a completely different world, a lower class of people than I am.
Whenever I said something, the classmates would "explode" with an enormous, loud, and mocking laughter, and my words would be silenced or denied through unspoken pressure and sometimes violence. As the situation escalated, the classmates would laugh loudly, and the sound would echo through the classroom, sometimes loud enough to be heard in the next classroom, as they looked down on and ridiculed me, all with the "consent" of the teacher.
I endured that environment until I graduated from high school, and I finally managed to cut off those relationships when I entered university and moved to Tokyo.
The classmates who had ridiculed me so much eventually entered a relatively unknown university with a low academic score of around 45. (Although university alone doesn't define a person,) the fact that the person who had been continuously ridiculing me for several years was only that kind of person makes me think, "I was troubled by such a trivial person for so long." I had no need to associate with people who are not only unintelligent but also have bad manners, are rude, and think it's natural to laugh and look down on others. I had no reason to be troubled by them, and they were clearly residents of a completely different world than the peaceful world I wanted to live in, a lower, bottom-tier world. I had a glimpse of the bottom.
I do not deny that there is a bottom-tier world where people laugh and look down on others. Those people can freely ridicule and belittle others, feel self-satisfied, and enjoy their lives. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss," and they will probably be able to live their lives happily. Since it is a life that is beyond their means, it is a very wonderful thing.
However, I want you to have absolutely nothing to do with me. I will not waste my time with trivial people.
It is a basic principle, regardless of gender, that people do not want to associate with unintelligent people. I absolutely do not want to associate with people who look down on others, laugh at them, and belittle them. During high school, I had no choice but to associate with them as a conversational partner because there was no escape. But now that I have entered university and have the "freedom to choose relationships," I immediately want to distance myself from those people.
The qualifications I obtained during high school.
During my high school years, I obtained the "Second-class Information Processing Technology Engineer" qualification, which is an IT certification offered by the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry. Nowadays, it's equivalent to the "Basic Information Technology Engineer" certification. I obtained this in the spring of my third year of high school, and around the same time, I also passed the "Level 1" information processing certification offered by some organization. However, my math teacher didn't acknowledge my achievements and belittled me, saying things like, "You probably just barely passed," and he didn't seem to accept that I had passed the qualification. For adults, the "Second-class" (now "Basic") qualification might not seem that difficult, but obtaining it in high school requires a significant amount of IT study. In my case, I was studying BASIC and assembly language to create games, so it was natural that I had to study IT. Of course, I could only study database concepts and server capacity calculations on paper, but I learned the basic concepts of algorithms through creating games. I also studied for the exam, and even though I wasn't confident in the quality of my answers, I managed to pass. Despite obtaining these qualifications, the evaluation of me by my classmates and teachers didn't change. This was because, at the time, IT technology was still in its early stages, and many teachers probably didn't understand the difficulty of the qualification. Although the difficulty is at a basic level, it's still a decent level for a high school student.
In addition, I obtained the "Level 2" English proficiency certificate (not "quasi-Level 2") in my third year of high school. However, my English teacher constantly criticized me, saying things like, "You're just memorizing, you don't understand," and it was very stressful. When I passed the Level 2 exam, the order of my English teacher's evaluation of her students changed. She used to praise the English skills of certain students, but those students all failed the Level 2 exam and only achieved the quasi-Level 2 level. I, on the other hand, passed the Level 2 exam, which made the English teacher feel awkward, and she started avoiding me. This kind of situation can happen.
It's frustrating to see that the grades of some of my classmates and teachers who constantly ridiculed me in class were consistently lower than mine. I wonder what that's about. Perhaps they feel good about pointing out and belittling others because they are insecure. I think they should spend that time studying instead of criticizing others.
On my part, I was able to study IT without any distractions and focus on it at home, which I was satisfied with. I even created two shooting games in assembly language during high school. In fact, shooting games require calculating the trajectories of enemies, which move in spiral or straight patterns. I used my knowledge of mathematics to calculate these trajectories, drawing graphs on paper and comparing them with mathematical graphs and programming. I used sine and cosine functions to implement these trajectories in my programs.
In reality, I wasn't studying very hard for the college entrance exams, but many of the questions on the entrance exams for the university I attended were directly related to the graphs of trajectories, and the way of thinking was similar to what I used when creating shooting games, so it was a relatively strong area for me, and I think I was able to answer them reasonably well. The entrance exams for other universities had many probability problems, which I wasn't interested in, so I struggled with those, but at least the mathematical knowledge I gained from creating games was useful for the entrance exams.
I consistently studied English because I thought it would be necessary in the future, but I wasn't particularly good at it. However, I think I was able to pass the entrance exams for English.
When I compare myself to the people who ridiculed me during high school, I think it's important to rely on objective criteria. I have two IT qualifications, one of which is a national qualification. On the other hand, none of my classmates who were in the computer club had obtained the same qualifications. I also passed the Level 2 English proficiency test, and I think I was better at English than the classmates who ridiculed me. (However, I admit that the female students were better at English speaking and listening.) Also, the classmate who relentlessly ridiculed me went to a university with a deviation score of 45, which is a lower-ranked university, so his academic performance was lower than mine.
I really wonder, what exactly is going on here. No matter how objectively I compare my "qualifications" or "test" results, I am relentlessly laughed at and looked down upon by people who seem less intelligent than me. As a result, why must I be relentlessly bullied and abused until I become depressed and my mental state breaks down?
Certainly, I didn't study that hard in school, and when I look around, there are so many excellent people, so I'm not particularly intelligent, and I didn't go to a very good university. Also, even though I obtained a qualification, it's just "so-so" for high school students, and it's only a basic-level qualification in general. Nevertheless, I struggle to understand why I have to be constantly ridiculed by people who are clearly of a lower level than me.
In the end, the people who made fun of me went to vocational schools, got jobs after high school, or went to "F" schools. I think that it is because they are people with low intelligence that they can calmly and nonchalantly make fun of others. There were many normal people among my classmates, so not everyone was like that, but even so, I was troubled by people with such harsh and unpleasant personalities for a long time during high school.
There are some spiritual reasons for what happened, but generally, people who can calmly and nonchalantly engage in such bullying are not mentally sound, so it is truly better to ignore them.
In addition, I obtained the "Level 2" English proficiency certificate (not "quasi-Level 2") in my third year of high school. However, my English teacher constantly criticized me, saying things like, "You're just memorizing, you don't understand," and it was very stressful. When I passed the Level 2 exam, the order of my English teacher's evaluation of her students changed. She used to praise the English skills of certain students, but those students all failed the Level 2 exam and only achieved the quasi-Level 2 level. I, on the other hand, passed the Level 2 exam, which made the English teacher feel awkward, and she started avoiding me. This kind of situation can happen.
It's frustrating to see that the grades of some of my classmates and teachers who constantly ridiculed me in class were consistently lower than mine. I wonder what that's about. Perhaps they feel good about pointing out and belittling others because they are insecure. I think they should spend that time studying instead of criticizing others.
On my part, I was able to study IT without any distractions and focus on it at home, which I was satisfied with. I even created two shooting games in assembly language during high school. In fact, shooting games require calculating the trajectories of enemies, which move in spiral or straight patterns. I used my knowledge of mathematics to calculate these trajectories, drawing graphs on paper and comparing them with mathematical graphs and programming. I used sine and cosine functions to implement these trajectories in my programs.
In reality, I wasn't studying very hard for the college entrance exams, but many of the questions on the entrance exams for the university I attended were directly related to the graphs of trajectories, and the way of thinking was similar to what I used when creating shooting games, so it was a relatively strong area for me, and I think I was able to answer them reasonably well. The entrance exams for other universities had many probability problems, which I wasn't interested in, so I struggled with those, but at least the mathematical knowledge I gained from creating games was useful for the entrance exams.
I consistently studied English because I thought it would be necessary in the future, but I wasn't particularly good at it. However, I think I was able to pass the entrance exams for English.
When I compare myself to the people who ridiculed me during high school, I think it's important to rely on objective criteria. I have two IT qualifications, one of which is a national qualification. On the other hand, none of my classmates who were in the computer club had obtained the same qualifications. I also passed the Level 2 English proficiency test, and I think I was better at English than the classmates who ridiculed me. (However, I admit that the female students were better at English speaking and listening.) Also, the classmate who relentlessly ridiculed me went to a university with a deviation score of 45, which is a lower-ranked university, so his academic performance was lower than mine.
I really wonder, what exactly is going on here. No matter how objectively I compare my "qualifications" or "test" results, I am relentlessly laughed at and looked down upon by people who seem less intelligent than me. As a result, why must I be relentlessly bullied and abused until I become depressed and my mental state breaks down?
Certainly, I didn't study that hard in school, and when I look around, there are so many excellent people, so I'm not particularly intelligent, and I didn't go to a very good university. Also, even though I obtained a qualification, it's just "so-so" for high school students, and it's only a basic-level qualification in general. Nevertheless, I struggle to understand why I have to be constantly ridiculed by people who are clearly of a lower level than me.
In the end, the people who made fun of me went to vocational schools, got jobs after high school, or went to "F" schools. I think that it is because they are people with low intelligence that they can calmly and nonchalantly make fun of others. There were many normal people among my classmates, so not everyone was like that, but even so, I was troubled by people with such harsh and unpleasant personalities for a long time during high school.
There are some spiritual reasons for what happened, but generally, people who can calmly and nonchalantly engage in such bullying are not mentally sound, so it is truly better to ignore them.
The subsequent life of a female classmate who was in a different class in high school.
This child, while looking directly at me, would smile and adopt a condescending attitude. Although she didn't say anything, her expressions were very clear. She was a woman who, even though we hardly ever spoke, would always smile and make a disgusting, condescending face whenever we passed each other. Later, when I was attending university, I happened to visit a certain hot spring (a type of public bathhouse) in the same prefecture, and I saw her getting a massage in the massage corner. We made eye contact for a moment, but I wasn't interested and quickly looked away.
This woman, who always smiled and looked down on me, seems to have graduated high school and started working. I wouldn't say that being a massage therapist is a low-class job, but at least she didn't go to university and started working early. Perhaps she had family circumstances, but if she had a certain level of intelligence, she should have found a job in an office or something. Now that I think about it, that girl was in a class with people who weren't very bright, and I think that there's a side to it where people who are unintelligent can smile and look down on others because they don't think anything of it.
In that way, I wasted time during high school being bothered by people who were unintelligent, insignificant, that I didn't need to worry about, and who were irrelevant to me, and who were not worth my concern. It was truly a waste of time.
This woman, who always smiled and looked down on me, seems to have graduated high school and started working. I wouldn't say that being a massage therapist is a low-class job, but at least she didn't go to university and started working early. Perhaps she had family circumstances, but if she had a certain level of intelligence, she should have found a job in an office or something. Now that I think about it, that girl was in a class with people who weren't very bright, and I think that there's a side to it where people who are unintelligent can smile and look down on others because they don't think anything of it.
In that way, I wasted time during high school being bothered by people who were unintelligent, insignificant, that I didn't need to worry about, and who were irrelevant to me, and who were not worth my concern. It was truly a waste of time.
There is nothing like "one must have a relationship with friends."
"Friends are people you must associate with," and similar phrases are, for someone who has been bullied, often nonsensical words that should not be taken seriously. There is no need to genuinely and reluctantly associate with such people.
There are people in this world who are so low that they belittle others and laugh at them. Therefore, there is no need to associate with people based on arbitrary reasons that are convenient for adults, such as "because we live in the same area," "because we are classmates," "because we attended the same daycare," or "because we attended the same kindergarten." Such phrases like "friends are people you must associate with" are nonsensical.
People with similar levels of thinking should associate with people who have similar thoughts and values, and friends should be like that. Ideally, schools themselves should have such divisions, and it seems that in urban areas, schools are somewhat divided based on this principle. However, in rural areas, there are simply fewer schools, so everyone is thrown into the same school, creating a zoo-like environment. In such a mixed environment, people who are so low that they sneak up on classmates from behind and suddenly hit their heads while laughing and making strange noises are like "beasts in human skin." In such a zoo, it is the adults' arbitrary convenience to say that you "must get along" or "must associate" with such "beasts." For school teachers, this may be a criterion for evaluation, but for children, it means having to deal with beasts endlessly, which can damage their mental health.
I think I have spent an enormous amount of wasted time, but ultimately, this is because I wanted to "understand the bottom of this world" and "understand the feelings and logic of people who are struggling in this world." Therefore, I ended up spending time in the same classroom as the beasts in this zoo, and I think it is true that "everything will be realized as you wish."
Now, that purpose has been achieved, so there is no need to spend time in such a zoo. Therefore, if a beast-like person approaches, you simply don't need to associate with them.
If you absolutely have to associate with someone on the surface at school or elsewhere, you only need to engage in superficial pleasantries and avoid unnecessary interaction.
There are people in this world who are so low that they belittle others and laugh at them. Therefore, there is no need to associate with people based on arbitrary reasons that are convenient for adults, such as "because we live in the same area," "because we are classmates," "because we attended the same daycare," or "because we attended the same kindergarten." Such phrases like "friends are people you must associate with" are nonsensical.
People with similar levels of thinking should associate with people who have similar thoughts and values, and friends should be like that. Ideally, schools themselves should have such divisions, and it seems that in urban areas, schools are somewhat divided based on this principle. However, in rural areas, there are simply fewer schools, so everyone is thrown into the same school, creating a zoo-like environment. In such a mixed environment, people who are so low that they sneak up on classmates from behind and suddenly hit their heads while laughing and making strange noises are like "beasts in human skin." In such a zoo, it is the adults' arbitrary convenience to say that you "must get along" or "must associate" with such "beasts." For school teachers, this may be a criterion for evaluation, but for children, it means having to deal with beasts endlessly, which can damage their mental health.
I think I have spent an enormous amount of wasted time, but ultimately, this is because I wanted to "understand the bottom of this world" and "understand the feelings and logic of people who are struggling in this world." Therefore, I ended up spending time in the same classroom as the beasts in this zoo, and I think it is true that "everything will be realized as you wish."
Now, that purpose has been achieved, so there is no need to spend time in such a zoo. Therefore, if a beast-like person approaches, you simply don't need to associate with them.
If you absolutely have to associate with someone on the surface at school or elsewhere, you only need to engage in superficial pleasantries and avoid unnecessary interaction.
The signal was out of range, so I couldn't receive a message from a high school classmate.
When I first moved to Tokyo, my parents wouldn't buy me a landline phone, claiming it was for "playing around" or "not necessary for studying." Initially, they gave me a pager, but it didn't work in the outskirts where I lived. Either the signal was weak, or the characters were garbled, making it impossible to read.
Shortly after moving, my parents received calls from multiple people saying, "⚪︎⚪︎-chan contacted us, so we gave you her contact information." Since I didn't have a landline, the calls were supposedly directed to my pager, but I couldn't read them, so I couldn't respond.
While there were many unpleasant classmates, there were also some I wanted to contact. However, without my consent or desire, all communication was cut off.
About a year or two later, after I got a cell phone, a high school friend contacted me. However, due to various issues, including her being hysterical and causing trouble, I changed my phone number and ended the relationship. I don't want to associate with unintelligent, hysterical women, even if they are friends.
To begin with, the pager was a hand-me-down from my older brother, and when I first moved to Tokyo, he said, "Here, use this." But it was almost useless because it was mostly out of range. My brother is so unintelligent that he gave me something that was practically unusable without considering whether it would work in my area. When I told him, "It's almost unusable, so I'm returning it," he laughed and said, "You live in the countryside." He should have apologized for giving me something that didn't work, but instead, he laughed at me. This is a complete lack of common sense. Even with family members, if you give someone something important like a pager that doesn't work, you should at least apologize. But he laughed and made fun of my address. This shows how unintelligent, lacking in common sense, and unpleasant my brother is. It's pointless to talk to him, so I ignore him when he makes fun of me. Interacting with him only leads to problems and unpleasant situations, and I end up being made fun of. It's better to avoid him altogether. He is poorly prepared, inefficient, and tries to act like he knew things all along by saying, "Yes, yes," but his brain is probably broken, and he's likely mentally challenged. He tries to act like he understands things, but I can't stand it. And on top of that, he laughs at me and looks down on me, which is just awful.
As a result, I was put in a difficult situation, couldn't use the pager, and ended up losing contact with most of my high school classmates, including some I wanted to talk to.
Shortly after moving, my parents received calls from multiple people saying, "⚪︎⚪︎-chan contacted us, so we gave you her contact information." Since I didn't have a landline, the calls were supposedly directed to my pager, but I couldn't read them, so I couldn't respond.
While there were many unpleasant classmates, there were also some I wanted to contact. However, without my consent or desire, all communication was cut off.
About a year or two later, after I got a cell phone, a high school friend contacted me. However, due to various issues, including her being hysterical and causing trouble, I changed my phone number and ended the relationship. I don't want to associate with unintelligent, hysterical women, even if they are friends.
To begin with, the pager was a hand-me-down from my older brother, and when I first moved to Tokyo, he said, "Here, use this." But it was almost useless because it was mostly out of range. My brother is so unintelligent that he gave me something that was practically unusable without considering whether it would work in my area. When I told him, "It's almost unusable, so I'm returning it," he laughed and said, "You live in the countryside." He should have apologized for giving me something that didn't work, but instead, he laughed at me. This is a complete lack of common sense. Even with family members, if you give someone something important like a pager that doesn't work, you should at least apologize. But he laughed and made fun of my address. This shows how unintelligent, lacking in common sense, and unpleasant my brother is. It's pointless to talk to him, so I ignore him when he makes fun of me. Interacting with him only leads to problems and unpleasant situations, and I end up being made fun of. It's better to avoid him altogether. He is poorly prepared, inefficient, and tries to act like he knew things all along by saying, "Yes, yes," but his brain is probably broken, and he's likely mentally challenged. He tries to act like he understands things, but I can't stand it. And on top of that, he laughs at me and looks down on me, which is just awful.
As a result, I was put in a difficult situation, couldn't use the pager, and ended up losing contact with most of my high school classmates, including some I wanted to talk to.
A female classmate who moved to Tokyo after graduating from high school and had an affair during her university years.
After I moved to Tokyo, a certain female classmate who had also moved to Tokyo contacted me a while later. I think it was during my second or third year in Tokyo, and we were in contact occasionally, but we were just friends. However, for some reason, she would come to my room and ask for some help, such as eating meals or doing some cleaning.
Then, while we were chatting, the conversation turned to romance, and she told me a story like this:
After entering university, she had been dating a male university student she met at a matchmaking party. They tried to have sexual intercourse, but it didn't go well because it was their first time. Later, (after meeting at a party that seemed to be for the purpose of finding a partner), she had intercourse with an older man on the same day, and it went well (for her, it was the first time), so the man was surprised. That relationship lasted for a while, but the man was married, so she ended it. However, because he was her first boyfriend, she had lingering feelings for him, and they started meeting up. Then, they had intercourse again, and (as of that time), they were still continuing the relationship. The married man has said that he will divorce his wife. (For her, he is) an important person. What should she do?
I was confused by this ambiguous story, which seemed to be either a request for advice or simply a desire for validation. At the time, I thought, "This is a typical 'cheating man's canned response,' and I was surprised that such a naive girl could be fooled by such an obvious lie." The man's words like, "I will divorce my wife," are often said by men who just want to cheat and have fun. However, it seems that she thinks he is an important person. But, it's just cheating. She is just being played.
Now, it seems like a common story, and I realize that women who ask for such advice are usually not looking for advice, but simply want someone to listen or validate them. However, at the time, I was a young woman in my early twenties, and I didn't think that far. I said something like, "That's a common excuse that cheating men use. I think you're just being played," and she got angry and hysterical.
It's probably a 90% chance that he's just a cheating man, and even if she's a student, he could be sued for millions of yen in damages by his wife. The fact that they met at a matchmaking party from the beginning makes the relationship suspicious, and the possibility of it being a serious relationship is extremely low. However, a young woman who has just moved to Tokyo and doesn't know the ways of the world is easily deceived.
And, because I pointed it out, she got hysterical. However, it was probably unnecessary for me to say anything. I could have just said something like, "That's nice. I hope you can be together," but that's not my style. I had already made it a motto to "avoid dealing with hysterical women," so, regardless of the reason, a few days after she reacted hysterically, I canceled my mobile phone contract and cut off contact with her, and I felt relieved. Hysteria is bad enough, but I don't want to be friends with someone who is so naive.
Then, while we were chatting, the conversation turned to romance, and she told me a story like this:
After entering university, she had been dating a male university student she met at a matchmaking party. They tried to have sexual intercourse, but it didn't go well because it was their first time. Later, (after meeting at a party that seemed to be for the purpose of finding a partner), she had intercourse with an older man on the same day, and it went well (for her, it was the first time), so the man was surprised. That relationship lasted for a while, but the man was married, so she ended it. However, because he was her first boyfriend, she had lingering feelings for him, and they started meeting up. Then, they had intercourse again, and (as of that time), they were still continuing the relationship. The married man has said that he will divorce his wife. (For her, he is) an important person. What should she do?
I was confused by this ambiguous story, which seemed to be either a request for advice or simply a desire for validation. At the time, I thought, "This is a typical 'cheating man's canned response,' and I was surprised that such a naive girl could be fooled by such an obvious lie." The man's words like, "I will divorce my wife," are often said by men who just want to cheat and have fun. However, it seems that she thinks he is an important person. But, it's just cheating. She is just being played.
Now, it seems like a common story, and I realize that women who ask for such advice are usually not looking for advice, but simply want someone to listen or validate them. However, at the time, I was a young woman in my early twenties, and I didn't think that far. I said something like, "That's a common excuse that cheating men use. I think you're just being played," and she got angry and hysterical.
It's probably a 90% chance that he's just a cheating man, and even if she's a student, he could be sued for millions of yen in damages by his wife. The fact that they met at a matchmaking party from the beginning makes the relationship suspicious, and the possibility of it being a serious relationship is extremely low. However, a young woman who has just moved to Tokyo and doesn't know the ways of the world is easily deceived.
And, because I pointed it out, she got hysterical. However, it was probably unnecessary for me to say anything. I could have just said something like, "That's nice. I hope you can be together," but that's not my style. I had already made it a motto to "avoid dealing with hysterical women," so, regardless of the reason, a few days after she reacted hysterically, I canceled my mobile phone contract and cut off contact with her, and I felt relieved. Hysteria is bad enough, but I don't want to be friends with someone who is so naive.
A story about a fraudulent company that created a website and ruined someone.
This may be a nostalgic story for some, but when I was in my early twenties, I fell victim to a membership club scheme that was popular at the time. I took out a loan, but I couldn't receive the services that were advertised, so I rebelled and collected voices of victims on a website. As a result, although I don't know to what extent my contribution was, the company ended up going out of business. I quickly consulted with the consumer affairs center and demanded a refund, and I remember that the damage was at most less than 100,000 yen. However, there may have been people who were left with only the loan payments if the timing was bad. At that time, I was hurt by the experience of having my trust betrayed. Now, looking back, everything about it was suspicious, and I was completely naive at the time. In theory, it should have been a profitable venture, but it was a lie, and I lacked the ability to see through the lie. This experience allowed me to gain the ability to see through the smiles of scammers. The smiles of "pure" types of women are also similar to those of scammers, so this also connects to the ability to distinguish "pure" types of women.
I still do not fully understand the concept of "getting angry."
In my life, I have only been truly angry a few times. There have been many times when people thought I was angry because I speak clearly, but I wasn't actually that emotional. I think I was born without the emotion of "anger," so I don't understand situations where other people get angry or lash out.
I think that many people release their stress by getting angry at something before it becomes a trauma. Sometimes, they release stress by directing their anger at someone.
However, in my case, I tend to suppress stress, and I don't fundamentally understand what the emotion of anger is. Even if I try to intentionally act angry, I can't express anger like a normal person. It seems that others see my "anger" as strange and unusual, and the situation doesn't seem to be "anger" to the person being spoken to, and they often start laughing loudly. As a result, I came to think, "It's pointless to interact with vulgar or rude people. Anything you say is useless." I don't want to interact with people who are so dense that they don't listen to explanations or complaints.
In my case, I still don't understand the emotion of anger or the concept of lashing out, and there is a fundamental gap between me and others.
On the other hand, I often showed a "disgusted expression" towards truly ridiculous and dense people who couldn't understand even when I explained things, so I often made them angry. However, if that's the case, we live in different worlds, so it's best to live separately and avoid interacting with each other as much as possible. Living in separate worlds is peaceful for both of us.
People who lash out and yell at others as a matter of course, and people who don't have the emotion of anger and fundamentally don't understand it, are fundamentally different as people. People who spend their daily lives with anger should live with similar people. People who don't fundamentally have the emotion of anger should live with those people. It's best if we don't interact.
Even now, I still experience stress-related irritability (though to varying degrees), but I still don't really understand the emotions of anger or lashing out. I probably don't need to understand it anymore. I've dealt with the outbursts of others enough. I think it's enough to keep my distance from people who lash out and live separately. I declare, "I will live my life by keeping my distance from people who lash out."
I don't understand other people well, so sometimes I wonder if others might be similar.
I think that many people release their stress by getting angry at something before it becomes a trauma. Sometimes, they release stress by directing their anger at someone.
However, in my case, I tend to suppress stress, and I don't fundamentally understand what the emotion of anger is. Even if I try to intentionally act angry, I can't express anger like a normal person. It seems that others see my "anger" as strange and unusual, and the situation doesn't seem to be "anger" to the person being spoken to, and they often start laughing loudly. As a result, I came to think, "It's pointless to interact with vulgar or rude people. Anything you say is useless." I don't want to interact with people who are so dense that they don't listen to explanations or complaints.
In my case, I still don't understand the emotion of anger or the concept of lashing out, and there is a fundamental gap between me and others.
On the other hand, I often showed a "disgusted expression" towards truly ridiculous and dense people who couldn't understand even when I explained things, so I often made them angry. However, if that's the case, we live in different worlds, so it's best to live separately and avoid interacting with each other as much as possible. Living in separate worlds is peaceful for both of us.
People who lash out and yell at others as a matter of course, and people who don't have the emotion of anger and fundamentally don't understand it, are fundamentally different as people. People who spend their daily lives with anger should live with similar people. People who don't fundamentally have the emotion of anger should live with those people. It's best if we don't interact.
Even now, I still experience stress-related irritability (though to varying degrees), but I still don't really understand the emotions of anger or lashing out. I probably don't need to understand it anymore. I've dealt with the outbursts of others enough. I think it's enough to keep my distance from people who lash out and live separately. I declare, "I will live my life by keeping my distance from people who lash out."
I don't understand other people well, so sometimes I wonder if others might be similar.
The "pure" type of "bitch" is a trivial matter compared to the greatness of love.
The term "Pure Bitch" generally refers to women who look down on and belittle men. This can be conscious or unconscious. Women may intentionally or unintentionally exploit men's kindness and willingness to please. They often have a strong sense of self-confidence and expect men to cater to their needs. If a man doesn't fulfill these expectations, they may become cold, dismissive, or even hysterical.
As relationships progress, the condescending dynamic may become more apparent. When men express dissatisfaction, "Pure Bitch" may perceive this as a personal attack and attempt to justify their behavior. This can lead to emotional abuse, with the woman accusing the man of being "terrible" or engaging in manipulative behavior. The man may feel unfairly targeted and misunderstood, leading to a breakdown in the relationship.
It's important to recognize that "Pure Bitch" may not be fully aware of their own manipulative behavior. However, this lack of awareness allows them to act cruelly towards men and portray themselves as victims.
It's advisable to avoid relationships with "Pure Bitch" and instead seek out genuine, kind-hearted individuals.
However, even this understanding is insignificant compared to the concept of true love.
Furthermore, this is not a matter of absolute certainty, but rather a spectrum. While a relationship may be dominated by the woman's condescending attitude, there is usually some degree of affection involved. Even if the affection is only 20%, it still exists.
Some women may believe that men are incapable of understanding their true feelings. While this may be true in some cases, it is often an exaggeration. Some men are incredibly perceptive and may even accept a woman's Takuran(passing another man's child off as his) (surrogacy) without question, even if they understand the situation.
In such cases, the man may be aware of the woman's situation and still choose to support her. While the woman may not have intentionally become pregnant, she may be struggling with the situation. The man's willingness to accept the situation, even without fully understanding it, can be a sign of his love and support.
While it is true that some "Pure Bitch" are extremely immature and condescending, understanding the concept of love can help men distinguish between them and genuinely good women. When a man is in a state of love, he will naturally be drawn to the right kind of woman.
It is important to maintain clear boundaries and avoid being overly accommodating to "Pure Bitch," as they may exploit any sign of weakness.
In one past experience, a woman responded to a question with a vague, seemingly agreeable answer. However, she then used this as an opportunity to belittle and manipulate the situation. It is important to be clear and direct when interacting with women who lack moral principles.
Some "Pure Bitch" may become frustrated and accusatory if they are not given a clear answer, revealing their immaturity.
While these women may be sexually attractive and quick to engage in physical intimacy, their lack of understanding of love and empathy is often evident in their behavior. They may rely on clichés and superficial expressions of spirituality, but their actions are often driven by self-interest.
Ultimately, true love is not something that can be faked or intellectualized. It is a genuine connection that is reflected in a person's actions and behavior. "Pure Bitch" may lack this genuine connection, even if they appear to be loving or empathetic.
Good children may have weak expressions of love, but this indicates a potential for their love to develop. If a good child cultivates and achieves a deep love, they can become the best partner. Even if a child is good but their love is not yet fully developed, they are still likely to be a satisfactory partner. On the other hand, if a "chaste" woman becomes hysterical with men, it may be difficult for her to achieve a deep love. However, even if a woman was once a "chaste" woman, she can dramatically transform into a good person through deep love. While deep love is wonderful, it may be difficult to achieve if one habitually harbors anger. It is easier for a good child to build a trusting relationship with a partner and awaken to deep love. Therefore, as a partner, it is better to choose a "good" child who has the potential for growth. By building a trusting relationship and maintaining a deep connection, one may unexpectedly awaken their heart chakra (anahata chakra) or the lower manipura (solar plexus chakra), leading to deep love or compassion. When this happens, a woman who previously hesitated and had unexpressed feelings will suddenly radiate love and energy, her face will brighten, her heart will open, and she will become more approachable. Women can relatively easily awaken to deep love by building a trusting relationship with men. While awakening to deep love is ideal, even awakening to compassion can lead to a good form of love. This mysterious step of women opening their chakras through a trusting relationship with men has likely been a natural and unspoken part of human experience. Those who live without opening their hearts through this step are missing out on the mysteries of life and not fully utilizing their potential. While some are born with open hearts, many women open their hearts through trusting relationships with men.
Compared to the mystery and beauty of the heart, the concept of a "chaste" woman is trivial.
Deep love is wonderful, and those who know it do not belittle those who have only experienced other forms of love. Deep love encompasses everything, so even if a "chaste" woman exists, she is just a small part of the bigger picture.
People who have not yet experienced deep love may exhibit hesitant behavior, sometimes flirt, or be overly focused on themselves, or sometimes they may not be focused at all. They are at the stage of compassion or a lower form of love. Once someone falls for such a person, they must either accept them as they are or, if it is too difficult, let them go. Even if such a person (in a state before deep love) shows affection, it is only their own form of "love" (a "love" before deep love), such as compassion, lust, or possessiveness. These are not mutually exclusive but rather a combination, and the dominant form of love changes depending on which stage is more prevalent. Therefore, even if someone does not have deep love, if other forms of love are more dominant, it is unavoidable. If someone with deep love falls for someone with a different form of love, it is up to them to accept it or move on. If someone demands, "Why don't you treat me properly (with deep love, based on the premise of deep love)," it will only confuse someone who does not know deep love. In such cases, someone who understands deep love can also understand the forms of love that come before it, so they can either try to understand the other person or, if they realize that they are not compatible, they should move on. Without understanding, being close to someone will only lead to conflict and separation. Therefore, either avoid a relationship altogether or build a relationship based on understanding.
Furthermore, I have now realized that it is often useless to say anything to a "chaste" woman. Young girls with beautiful bodies have their own demand, so if they are not aware of it, they will always choose to justify themselves and will not listen to the words of others, especially men. As seen in fortune tellers and spiritual women who offer relationship advice, most of the time, people are simply seeking validation. I used to respond seriously, but "chaste" women are looking for "self-justification," so they will either reject any other answers or become hysterical until they receive the validation they seek. Perhaps, I have not understood "chaste" women well, but many people in the world understand their behavior better than I do, and they know that it is useless to say anything to them. That is why the common sense that "women do not seek advice, but only validation" is generally true.
In many cases, the spirituality of general women involves self-justification and the law of attraction, with the desire for their lives to become richer and for them to be blessed with money and obedient partners. Therefore, even if men advocate for self-improvement in their spirituality, it often doesn't resonate with women because they are seeking something different, and that's why communication often fails.
This is not to say that it is bad; I think it is simply the way women are. And, in many cases, women can already achieve a certain level of spirituality through this. Looking at the lives of the spirits who separated from my group soul, many of them live a comfortable and convenient life, so I think that if you are born a woman, it is fine to live a blessed life and reach the end of your life happily. When I look at the lives of the spirits who separated from my group soul, they live much more freely and happily, with almost no inconveniences, compared to my current life as a man. Therefore, the way of life for women is, in its own way, a life of ease and blessing. I think that women should enjoy such a convenient and happy life.
No matter how much one's spirituality grows, there is still a difference between the way men and women live. Even if they are spirits who separated from the same group soul, the fundamental ways of life are different. However, this is only natural because they have been living as a certain gender for decades. I think we must simply understand that this is the way it is. It is not necessarily bad, but rather a characteristic of each gender.
As relationships progress, the condescending dynamic may become more apparent. When men express dissatisfaction, "Pure Bitch" may perceive this as a personal attack and attempt to justify their behavior. This can lead to emotional abuse, with the woman accusing the man of being "terrible" or engaging in manipulative behavior. The man may feel unfairly targeted and misunderstood, leading to a breakdown in the relationship.
It's important to recognize that "Pure Bitch" may not be fully aware of their own manipulative behavior. However, this lack of awareness allows them to act cruelly towards men and portray themselves as victims.
It's advisable to avoid relationships with "Pure Bitch" and instead seek out genuine, kind-hearted individuals.
However, even this understanding is insignificant compared to the concept of true love.
Furthermore, this is not a matter of absolute certainty, but rather a spectrum. While a relationship may be dominated by the woman's condescending attitude, there is usually some degree of affection involved. Even if the affection is only 20%, it still exists.
Some women may believe that men are incapable of understanding their true feelings. While this may be true in some cases, it is often an exaggeration. Some men are incredibly perceptive and may even accept a woman's Takuran(passing another man's child off as his) (surrogacy) without question, even if they understand the situation.
In such cases, the man may be aware of the woman's situation and still choose to support her. While the woman may not have intentionally become pregnant, she may be struggling with the situation. The man's willingness to accept the situation, even without fully understanding it, can be a sign of his love and support.
While it is true that some "Pure Bitch" are extremely immature and condescending, understanding the concept of love can help men distinguish between them and genuinely good women. When a man is in a state of love, he will naturally be drawn to the right kind of woman.
It is important to maintain clear boundaries and avoid being overly accommodating to "Pure Bitch," as they may exploit any sign of weakness.
In one past experience, a woman responded to a question with a vague, seemingly agreeable answer. However, she then used this as an opportunity to belittle and manipulate the situation. It is important to be clear and direct when interacting with women who lack moral principles.
Some "Pure Bitch" may become frustrated and accusatory if they are not given a clear answer, revealing their immaturity.
While these women may be sexually attractive and quick to engage in physical intimacy, their lack of understanding of love and empathy is often evident in their behavior. They may rely on clichés and superficial expressions of spirituality, but their actions are often driven by self-interest.
Ultimately, true love is not something that can be faked or intellectualized. It is a genuine connection that is reflected in a person's actions and behavior. "Pure Bitch" may lack this genuine connection, even if they appear to be loving or empathetic.
Good children may have weak expressions of love, but this indicates a potential for their love to develop. If a good child cultivates and achieves a deep love, they can become the best partner. Even if a child is good but their love is not yet fully developed, they are still likely to be a satisfactory partner. On the other hand, if a "chaste" woman becomes hysterical with men, it may be difficult for her to achieve a deep love. However, even if a woman was once a "chaste" woman, she can dramatically transform into a good person through deep love. While deep love is wonderful, it may be difficult to achieve if one habitually harbors anger. It is easier for a good child to build a trusting relationship with a partner and awaken to deep love. Therefore, as a partner, it is better to choose a "good" child who has the potential for growth. By building a trusting relationship and maintaining a deep connection, one may unexpectedly awaken their heart chakra (anahata chakra) or the lower manipura (solar plexus chakra), leading to deep love or compassion. When this happens, a woman who previously hesitated and had unexpressed feelings will suddenly radiate love and energy, her face will brighten, her heart will open, and she will become more approachable. Women can relatively easily awaken to deep love by building a trusting relationship with men. While awakening to deep love is ideal, even awakening to compassion can lead to a good form of love. This mysterious step of women opening their chakras through a trusting relationship with men has likely been a natural and unspoken part of human experience. Those who live without opening their hearts through this step are missing out on the mysteries of life and not fully utilizing their potential. While some are born with open hearts, many women open their hearts through trusting relationships with men.
Compared to the mystery and beauty of the heart, the concept of a "chaste" woman is trivial.
Deep love is wonderful, and those who know it do not belittle those who have only experienced other forms of love. Deep love encompasses everything, so even if a "chaste" woman exists, she is just a small part of the bigger picture.
People who have not yet experienced deep love may exhibit hesitant behavior, sometimes flirt, or be overly focused on themselves, or sometimes they may not be focused at all. They are at the stage of compassion or a lower form of love. Once someone falls for such a person, they must either accept them as they are or, if it is too difficult, let them go. Even if such a person (in a state before deep love) shows affection, it is only their own form of "love" (a "love" before deep love), such as compassion, lust, or possessiveness. These are not mutually exclusive but rather a combination, and the dominant form of love changes depending on which stage is more prevalent. Therefore, even if someone does not have deep love, if other forms of love are more dominant, it is unavoidable. If someone with deep love falls for someone with a different form of love, it is up to them to accept it or move on. If someone demands, "Why don't you treat me properly (with deep love, based on the premise of deep love)," it will only confuse someone who does not know deep love. In such cases, someone who understands deep love can also understand the forms of love that come before it, so they can either try to understand the other person or, if they realize that they are not compatible, they should move on. Without understanding, being close to someone will only lead to conflict and separation. Therefore, either avoid a relationship altogether or build a relationship based on understanding.
Furthermore, I have now realized that it is often useless to say anything to a "chaste" woman. Young girls with beautiful bodies have their own demand, so if they are not aware of it, they will always choose to justify themselves and will not listen to the words of others, especially men. As seen in fortune tellers and spiritual women who offer relationship advice, most of the time, people are simply seeking validation. I used to respond seriously, but "chaste" women are looking for "self-justification," so they will either reject any other answers or become hysterical until they receive the validation they seek. Perhaps, I have not understood "chaste" women well, but many people in the world understand their behavior better than I do, and they know that it is useless to say anything to them. That is why the common sense that "women do not seek advice, but only validation" is generally true.
In many cases, the spirituality of general women involves self-justification and the law of attraction, with the desire for their lives to become richer and for them to be blessed with money and obedient partners. Therefore, even if men advocate for self-improvement in their spirituality, it often doesn't resonate with women because they are seeking something different, and that's why communication often fails.
This is not to say that it is bad; I think it is simply the way women are. And, in many cases, women can already achieve a certain level of spirituality through this. Looking at the lives of the spirits who separated from my group soul, many of them live a comfortable and convenient life, so I think that if you are born a woman, it is fine to live a blessed life and reach the end of your life happily. When I look at the lives of the spirits who separated from my group soul, they live much more freely and happily, with almost no inconveniences, compared to my current life as a man. Therefore, the way of life for women is, in its own way, a life of ease and blessing. I think that women should enjoy such a convenient and happy life.
No matter how much one's spirituality grows, there is still a difference between the way men and women live. Even if they are spirits who separated from the same group soul, the fundamental ways of life are different. However, this is only natural because they have been living as a certain gender for decades. I think we must simply understand that this is the way it is. It is not necessarily bad, but rather a characteristic of each gender.
The relationship between love, oneness (samadhi), and telepathy.
In yoga, oneness corresponds to the state of samadhi, which is a state where there is no distinction between "the observer," "the observed," and "the act of observing." These three elements are normally separate in a normal state of consciousness, but in the state of oneness (or samadhi), the three become one. If this occurs between individuals, it is also a state of telepathy.
And it seems to be based on the love of the heart.
In children, this often happens unconsciously and uncontrollably. There are a certain number of children who cannot distinguish between themselves and others, which can cause them to struggle. However, as they grow up, they develop a sense of self and other.
While the state of not distinguishing between self and other is not always the case, as one grows, if one intentionally thinks of others and achieves oneness, one enters a state of telepathy, and can understand the other person's way of thinking and background. With some experience, one can switch between oneness and ordinary consciousness, and can set a goal and enter a state of oneness only when necessary, to understand the other person's thoughts. This is also samadhi, and also telepathy.
One can know about others if one wants to, but basically, there is no need to know about others. Telepathy does not mean that one can know everything about everyone. Rather, for mature adults, especially, it is like a noble honor, and even if one can do and know many things, the basic way of life should be to restrain oneself and behave morally, and not to use telepathy carelessly.
Therefore, in the world, there are people who are famous for being spiritual and insightful, or psychics who accurately predict things and are praised by those around them. However, it is not necessarily true that these people are superior in personality. People who have achieved oneness generally do not use their abilities carelessly, and therefore, it is normal for them not to be able to see or understand the thoughts of others. Spiritual growth is originally unrelated to games or shows like fortune-telling, and it is about cultivating one's personality.
If someone is a telepath or has achieved oneness, and lives in this world like a zoo, then the more one achieves oneness, the more one might want to avoid a large number of people and choose who to associate with.
And it seems to be based on the love of the heart.
In children, this often happens unconsciously and uncontrollably. There are a certain number of children who cannot distinguish between themselves and others, which can cause them to struggle. However, as they grow up, they develop a sense of self and other.
While the state of not distinguishing between self and other is not always the case, as one grows, if one intentionally thinks of others and achieves oneness, one enters a state of telepathy, and can understand the other person's way of thinking and background. With some experience, one can switch between oneness and ordinary consciousness, and can set a goal and enter a state of oneness only when necessary, to understand the other person's thoughts. This is also samadhi, and also telepathy.
One can know about others if one wants to, but basically, there is no need to know about others. Telepathy does not mean that one can know everything about everyone. Rather, for mature adults, especially, it is like a noble honor, and even if one can do and know many things, the basic way of life should be to restrain oneself and behave morally, and not to use telepathy carelessly.
Therefore, in the world, there are people who are famous for being spiritual and insightful, or psychics who accurately predict things and are praised by those around them. However, it is not necessarily true that these people are superior in personality. People who have achieved oneness generally do not use their abilities carelessly, and therefore, it is normal for them not to be able to see or understand the thoughts of others. Spiritual growth is originally unrelated to games or shows like fortune-telling, and it is about cultivating one's personality.
If someone is a telepath or has achieved oneness, and lives in this world like a zoo, then the more one achieves oneness, the more one might want to avoid a large number of people and choose who to associate with.
By confirming the lack of love and the darkness of heart through telepathy, we can learn from it and understand true love.
During a group dating event, I became slightly interested in a particular girl. While she seemed polite, we didn't become close. At the time, I didn't understand, but now, through telepathy, I've seen what she was thinking back then. It seems she was secretly looking down on me, despite her polite demeanor. I was completely unaware of this at the time, and I wonder if my judgment was clouded. The emotions I saw through telepathy were unpleasant and her energy was negative. I thought she was a good person, and I had a slight affection for her, but telepathically, I saw that her "inner self" was dark, and she was truly a "scheming" person. I'm a bit shocked by this revelation. The expression "scheming" is often used, and through telepathy, I can actually see that the area around their stomach turns black. It's a perfect expression. There are people whose "inner selves" are literally black, and it's surprising that it's not always apparent from their facial expressions. Conversely, there are people who appear to be "pure" or even "slutty" based on their appearance, but telepathically, I see that they are often quite ordinary, or, as in this case, they appear normal but are actually scheming. This isn't based on external impressions; when I use telepathy, I'm seeing things from "their" perspective, essentially becoming them and seeing how they think. It's like looking from the inside out, which allows for a fairly accurate understanding. This is different from a typical "aura contact," as it transcends time and space, so there's no danger. One advantage of telepathy is that you can understand someone's feelings from their perspective, but sometimes, you have to face harsh realities. Perhaps it was better not to know and to be content with just seeing their expressions. However, I can't use telepathy on anyone I choose; it seems to be shown to me by a higher power. I'm shown specific situations and asked to understand them, but sometimes, I'm shown the inner self of someone who appears innocent but is actually cruel and scheming, which is shocking. That's the reality. At the time, I was mentally unstable, my energy was low, and my body felt heavy, so perhaps she was beyond my reach. However, she didn't seem to pay much attention to me.
I don't know if what I see through clairvoyance or telepathy is the absolute truth, but this girl, who appeared ordinary, was actually someone who would sleep with anyone, and she could be described as a "slut." There might not be a more fitting description for someone who has such a chaotic nightlife. Perhaps she worked in a room in the entertainment industry.
Now that I think about it, I was interested in her during the group dating event, but about an hour in, I saw glimpses of her in a vision, and I realized, "Is this girl someone who would quickly take off her clothes, do dirty things, and sleep with anyone?" I lost interest immediately after realizing this, and she seemed confused. At the time, I just thought she was someone who "slept around easily," but now, when I recall that vision, it seems she was more than just someone who slept around easily; she was likely someone who worked in the entertainment industry. She probably worked in a room where she would quickly take off her clothes and engage in those activities.
Even if someone appears innocent, their aura can't hide everything. If the dirtiness of their aura is due to working in the entertainment industry and receiving dark energy from various people, then it's understandable that they would be scheming. When you have physical contact in the entertainment industry, there's a high chance of exchanging auras, which can lead to becoming scheming.
In reality, everyone's soul is pure and doesn't become dirty. However, the individual souls surrounding them have different colors, and within those surrounding objects, there are these "scheming" auras. With that in mind, there are two main types of "scheming" people: those with dark souls and those with bright souls. Setting aside the purity of the soul, there are those with dark auras and those with bright auras. There are four patterns in total, but two of them are "scheming": those with dark souls who are inherently scheming, and those with bright souls who become scheming due to external influences. The former is the case with the girl I mentioned, who is inherently scheming due to her soul's nature. The latter is when someone with a bright soul is influenced by their surroundings and has "scheming" auras attached to them. I believe I am the latter, someone who has had "scheming" auras imposed on me by my surroundings, a kind of "dumping ground" for dark auras. The people around me who are imposing these dark auras on me become energetic, while I become depressed from receiving those dark auras. There seems to be a pattern of aura exchange between me and those who are emotionally abusing me, where they are essentially exploiting me.
I examine my own abdomen with the same telepathy, and I still see grayish spots on my abdomen. Objectively, this indicates that my condition is still at that level. Perhaps, the aura of these gray spots that I have accumulated, especially from the abuse I experienced in my youth, and particularly the one I received from a girl who was close to me when I was young, has not yet been completely resolved. I believe that this dark aura of mine was not inherent from birth, but rather acquired from relationships with others during my life. Therefore, I believe it is important to be especially careful with those with whom you have deep relationships. Perhaps, if there is someone who gave me this aura of gray spots, it was likely someone with whom I had a short-term relationship. However, even if the relationship is short, the aura can linger, and the negative impact can last a long time. Nowadays, young people often engage in physical relationships through "bringing home" and so on. It seems like they are playing a game of "go fish" where they give or receive a dark aura, and they feel relieved when they give it away. Recently, I have not had many such physical relationships, and I have been focusing on yoga and meditation to eliminate negative energy. Even with my efforts to purify myself, I still have this much. This suggests that it may be rare for someone to have a completely pure aura. This understanding leads to a different perspective on the meaning of "abstinence" as traditionally said. Maintaining a pure aura from birth requires not only self-purification but also choosing partners carefully. This is not just about abstaining from sex, but also that deep relationships can deeply influence each other's auras.
There are thoughts and states of others that can be known through telepathy. Some people might say, "Why not just see this from the beginning instead of trying to understand it?" However, according to the explanation from higher (invisible) guides, that is not the case. Understanding is the challenge of this lifetime. Telepathy only reveals the state at that moment, which is no different from gaining information by seeing with your eyes and being physically close. However, to correctly understand this information, telepathy alone is not enough. Relying solely on telepathy can lead to misinterpretations and incorrect judgments based on temporary states. Telepathy is useful for seeing things clearly, but the act of thinking based on the information obtained is the same for telepaths and ordinary people. This makes sense. No matter how much you can do with telepathy, you cannot function properly without understanding and judgment. Therefore, emphasizing understanding is perfectly reasonable. When using telepathy, one tends to rely on it, which can avoid some problems. However, in most cases, it only leads to a superficial understanding. Even if you pass the telepathy test, you may make fatal mistakes due to a lack of understanding. This can lead to not only financial problems but also physical harm. Relying on telepathy can lead to a lack of understanding, causing one to become complacent in seemingly harmless situations. There are many such dangerous situations, and I can even see the suffering of my parallel self in a parallel timeline. Although I am about to end my life on Earth and return to my original world, I spent decades temporarily suppressing telepathy in order to deepen my understanding and leave this world with peace of mind.
When I was in high school, there was a girl who was somewhat friendly and told me to "read manga by Adachi Tsugumi." I think she was saying that she wanted me to interact with her in a different way because I didn't understand the concept of "love" at that time. From my perspective, we could talk freely and were friendly, and it seemed like others thought, "Are they in love?" However, I didn't really realize it. We had a good relationship for a while, but then we had a fight, and she started acting hostile and angry. I can't remember what made her angry now, but I think it was probably something trivial that she was angry about. From my perspective, I wondered, "Why is she so upset?" During a school trip, when I saw her standing alone in the middle of the road, I approached her and said, "Let's go together," in a situation where many people could see. She became uneasy and hesitant, and I couldn't tell if she was rejecting me or not. I was confused and wondered, "What's going on? Is she so disliked?" I was in a state of confusion because I didn't even realize I liked her. As a result, I became confused, and my feelings and attitude went astray, leading to a day of confusion. I unintentionally acted like I liked someone else, which caused misunderstandings. I think my feelings for her went astray, leading to an awkward and incomprehensible state. From a distance, she seemed to be acting awkwardly all day long, and I wonder if she was also confused and didn't understand her own behavior. We were both awkward, and we were a strange pair. When I fall in love, I often don't realize it, and I become confused and incomprehensible. Now that I think about it, I realize that I didn't really understand the concept of "love." If I had understood love properly back then, my way of interacting with women might have been very different. When asked if I liked her back then, I would say, "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe I did." It's classified as "like," so I think it's okay to say "like" from a pure emotional perspective. However, I think I wanted to spend time with her more than anything else. It seemed like others found it cute. The issue of whether or not you "like" someone is different from whether or not you understand "love." I think it's safe to say that I "liked" her, but I also think that my attitude and words were not right because I didn't understand love. To have a good relationship with someone, it seems that "liking" someone is not enough, and it is necessary to have a basic understanding of "love." Now that I think about it, there were many kind children in elementary and high school. They were mostly simple and straightforward. When children are in a state where they don't know much about the world, they can either become "pure" or "chaste bitches," and the dividing line is whether they become "chaste bitches" after learning about the world. Some people live in rural areas and don't experience such environments, while others, who have a certain aptitude, become "chaste bitches" when they move to the city (which is like their "debut"). Of course, there are also people who don't change at all when they move to the city. This depends on their aptitude.
Now, reflecting on my junior high and high school years, most of my classmates were good people, but I often fell for "somewhat unusual" individuals, which led to comments from those around me like, "You always seem to like the unusual types." This was especially true from close female friends who weren't romantically interested in me. I now think it would have been better if I had recognized and appreciated the "ordinary good" qualities of the genuinely kind people around me, and that it would have been better if I had been able to fall for those "ordinary good" people back then. This suggests that I lacked the ability to discern character back then; in essence, I didn't understand love very well and was drawn to those who were a bit different. While it might seem like a somewhat interesting adolescence in retrospect, it was a painful time. However, when I reflect on it now, I find that I tend to romanticize the past, forgetting the difficult aspects and only remembering the enjoyable moments and sweet memories, even though I was mentally struggling at the time. I couldn't have felt this way before. Now, I can understand the situation to some extent, and I feel like I'm starting to see what's truly important. Speaking of high school, while most of the girls were good people, a few seemed to believe that I had a crush on them, even though they were teasing me. I didn't really respond to their teasing, and I generally don't consider women who tease and belittle men to be potential romantic partners. However, some of them seemed to think that I was interested in them and were acting accordingly. I didn't understand women's psychology very well back then, and sometimes I even found their teasing endearing, but it was mostly annoying. I thought it was similar to the psychology of children who tease and torment things they like, but I generally found it bothersome. Now, I realize that this was also a part of my adolescence. I now think that it would have been better if I had fallen for the "ordinary good" people rather than the "somewhat unusual" ones.
In the past, my "love" consisted of two things: first, assuming someone was attractive based on their appearance or outward behavior, which wasn't true love; and second, a genuine love that was limited to a few specific individuals, a love that could be unlocked by taking a leap of faith. This was a love directed towards a relatively specific and limited group of people. Now, through meditation, I have opened up a more "universal" love and come to understand love. These are essentially the same thing. Although they sound completely different, I now understand that they are the same. I've experienced flashbacks of the past, remembering things I had forgotten, which recreated the psychological situation of a lost love. However, this was a relatively temporary trigger, and it served as a starting point for understanding what universal love is. After recalling events from decades ago, I can't do anything about it now, but it was helpful for understanding. As a result, I've remembered the "universal love" that I probably knew and had forgotten, and I think it's the same psychological state I had when I was in elementary or junior high school. If that's the case, I've been in a state of being "in love" quite often recently, and I need to be careful not to make anyone misunderstand my intentions. However, I'm old enough that I'm not as worried about being misunderstood as I was when I was younger. When I was younger, especially in elementary or junior high school, I often made classmates and children of similar ages misunderstand my intentions with my gaze. I often felt sorry for making them think that I was looking at them and smiling, and that I must like them. I've had many experiences where I realized that people were looking at me, but I wasn't even aware of it. Of course, I'm old enough now that this doesn't happen, but I still try to be careful not to make people misunderstand my intentions. The difference lies in whether it's a "universal" love or a love directed towards a specific person. Because of this difference, I used to "be in love," but now I understand and comprehend love. There's a difference between being in a state of love and understanding it. There's a difference between an action and a state. It's the same love, but there's a difference between whether it's temporary or relatively universal. Before this, there was a state of "bliss" or "fulfillment," which was a stage in meditation. While meditation is good for opening up universal love, most people don't meditate, and it's quite difficult. So, it might be sufficient to simply fall in love and have a sincere relationship. This is not a physical love (although that's fine too), but a love from the heart, so it's okay to fall in love even when you're older. When I was in elementary or junior high school, I think I was living in a state of relatively universal love, and I didn't have much love for specific people. On the other hand, during high school and college, my mental state was often disrupted, and I would often fall out of a state of love, which led to temporary infatuations with specific people. So, in terms of "being in love," I was in adolescence, but I think I was actually able to live in a state of love more during elementary and junior high school. And now, I've finally returned to that state by remembering and understanding it. When you're in a state of universal love, you don't really "fall in love" as much as you accept things. In this state, it's relatively okay if you're somewhat okay with the other person, but if you're waiting or choosing to "fall in love," you might end up being single. For example, Ishida Yuri seems to have a universal love. She often says that she doesn't understand "love," but I think she's talking about how it's hard to understand the concept of "falling in love" when you're always living in a state of universal love. I've felt something similar before, but there's a big difference in the depth of love and the degree of understanding. There's still a possibility that my understanding of love will deepen further in the future, but for now, I feel like I've made progress by returning to the state I was in when I was in elementary or junior high school. It's a bit late, but I'm glad I've come to understand and comprehend love.
I don't know if what I see through clairvoyance or telepathy is the absolute truth, but this girl, who appeared ordinary, was actually someone who would sleep with anyone, and she could be described as a "slut." There might not be a more fitting description for someone who has such a chaotic nightlife. Perhaps she worked in a room in the entertainment industry.
Now that I think about it, I was interested in her during the group dating event, but about an hour in, I saw glimpses of her in a vision, and I realized, "Is this girl someone who would quickly take off her clothes, do dirty things, and sleep with anyone?" I lost interest immediately after realizing this, and she seemed confused. At the time, I just thought she was someone who "slept around easily," but now, when I recall that vision, it seems she was more than just someone who slept around easily; she was likely someone who worked in the entertainment industry. She probably worked in a room where she would quickly take off her clothes and engage in those activities.
Even if someone appears innocent, their aura can't hide everything. If the dirtiness of their aura is due to working in the entertainment industry and receiving dark energy from various people, then it's understandable that they would be scheming. When you have physical contact in the entertainment industry, there's a high chance of exchanging auras, which can lead to becoming scheming.
In reality, everyone's soul is pure and doesn't become dirty. However, the individual souls surrounding them have different colors, and within those surrounding objects, there are these "scheming" auras. With that in mind, there are two main types of "scheming" people: those with dark souls and those with bright souls. Setting aside the purity of the soul, there are those with dark auras and those with bright auras. There are four patterns in total, but two of them are "scheming": those with dark souls who are inherently scheming, and those with bright souls who become scheming due to external influences. The former is the case with the girl I mentioned, who is inherently scheming due to her soul's nature. The latter is when someone with a bright soul is influenced by their surroundings and has "scheming" auras attached to them. I believe I am the latter, someone who has had "scheming" auras imposed on me by my surroundings, a kind of "dumping ground" for dark auras. The people around me who are imposing these dark auras on me become energetic, while I become depressed from receiving those dark auras. There seems to be a pattern of aura exchange between me and those who are emotionally abusing me, where they are essentially exploiting me.
I examine my own abdomen with the same telepathy, and I still see grayish spots on my abdomen. Objectively, this indicates that my condition is still at that level. Perhaps, the aura of these gray spots that I have accumulated, especially from the abuse I experienced in my youth, and particularly the one I received from a girl who was close to me when I was young, has not yet been completely resolved. I believe that this dark aura of mine was not inherent from birth, but rather acquired from relationships with others during my life. Therefore, I believe it is important to be especially careful with those with whom you have deep relationships. Perhaps, if there is someone who gave me this aura of gray spots, it was likely someone with whom I had a short-term relationship. However, even if the relationship is short, the aura can linger, and the negative impact can last a long time. Nowadays, young people often engage in physical relationships through "bringing home" and so on. It seems like they are playing a game of "go fish" where they give or receive a dark aura, and they feel relieved when they give it away. Recently, I have not had many such physical relationships, and I have been focusing on yoga and meditation to eliminate negative energy. Even with my efforts to purify myself, I still have this much. This suggests that it may be rare for someone to have a completely pure aura. This understanding leads to a different perspective on the meaning of "abstinence" as traditionally said. Maintaining a pure aura from birth requires not only self-purification but also choosing partners carefully. This is not just about abstaining from sex, but also that deep relationships can deeply influence each other's auras.
There are thoughts and states of others that can be known through telepathy. Some people might say, "Why not just see this from the beginning instead of trying to understand it?" However, according to the explanation from higher (invisible) guides, that is not the case. Understanding is the challenge of this lifetime. Telepathy only reveals the state at that moment, which is no different from gaining information by seeing with your eyes and being physically close. However, to correctly understand this information, telepathy alone is not enough. Relying solely on telepathy can lead to misinterpretations and incorrect judgments based on temporary states. Telepathy is useful for seeing things clearly, but the act of thinking based on the information obtained is the same for telepaths and ordinary people. This makes sense. No matter how much you can do with telepathy, you cannot function properly without understanding and judgment. Therefore, emphasizing understanding is perfectly reasonable. When using telepathy, one tends to rely on it, which can avoid some problems. However, in most cases, it only leads to a superficial understanding. Even if you pass the telepathy test, you may make fatal mistakes due to a lack of understanding. This can lead to not only financial problems but also physical harm. Relying on telepathy can lead to a lack of understanding, causing one to become complacent in seemingly harmless situations. There are many such dangerous situations, and I can even see the suffering of my parallel self in a parallel timeline. Although I am about to end my life on Earth and return to my original world, I spent decades temporarily suppressing telepathy in order to deepen my understanding and leave this world with peace of mind.
When I was in high school, there was a girl who was somewhat friendly and told me to "read manga by Adachi Tsugumi." I think she was saying that she wanted me to interact with her in a different way because I didn't understand the concept of "love" at that time. From my perspective, we could talk freely and were friendly, and it seemed like others thought, "Are they in love?" However, I didn't really realize it. We had a good relationship for a while, but then we had a fight, and she started acting hostile and angry. I can't remember what made her angry now, but I think it was probably something trivial that she was angry about. From my perspective, I wondered, "Why is she so upset?" During a school trip, when I saw her standing alone in the middle of the road, I approached her and said, "Let's go together," in a situation where many people could see. She became uneasy and hesitant, and I couldn't tell if she was rejecting me or not. I was confused and wondered, "What's going on? Is she so disliked?" I was in a state of confusion because I didn't even realize I liked her. As a result, I became confused, and my feelings and attitude went astray, leading to a day of confusion. I unintentionally acted like I liked someone else, which caused misunderstandings. I think my feelings for her went astray, leading to an awkward and incomprehensible state. From a distance, she seemed to be acting awkwardly all day long, and I wonder if she was also confused and didn't understand her own behavior. We were both awkward, and we were a strange pair. When I fall in love, I often don't realize it, and I become confused and incomprehensible. Now that I think about it, I realize that I didn't really understand the concept of "love." If I had understood love properly back then, my way of interacting with women might have been very different. When asked if I liked her back then, I would say, "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe I did." It's classified as "like," so I think it's okay to say "like" from a pure emotional perspective. However, I think I wanted to spend time with her more than anything else. It seemed like others found it cute. The issue of whether or not you "like" someone is different from whether or not you understand "love." I think it's safe to say that I "liked" her, but I also think that my attitude and words were not right because I didn't understand love. To have a good relationship with someone, it seems that "liking" someone is not enough, and it is necessary to have a basic understanding of "love." Now that I think about it, there were many kind children in elementary and high school. They were mostly simple and straightforward. When children are in a state where they don't know much about the world, they can either become "pure" or "chaste bitches," and the dividing line is whether they become "chaste bitches" after learning about the world. Some people live in rural areas and don't experience such environments, while others, who have a certain aptitude, become "chaste bitches" when they move to the city (which is like their "debut"). Of course, there are also people who don't change at all when they move to the city. This depends on their aptitude.
Now, reflecting on my junior high and high school years, most of my classmates were good people, but I often fell for "somewhat unusual" individuals, which led to comments from those around me like, "You always seem to like the unusual types." This was especially true from close female friends who weren't romantically interested in me. I now think it would have been better if I had recognized and appreciated the "ordinary good" qualities of the genuinely kind people around me, and that it would have been better if I had been able to fall for those "ordinary good" people back then. This suggests that I lacked the ability to discern character back then; in essence, I didn't understand love very well and was drawn to those who were a bit different. While it might seem like a somewhat interesting adolescence in retrospect, it was a painful time. However, when I reflect on it now, I find that I tend to romanticize the past, forgetting the difficult aspects and only remembering the enjoyable moments and sweet memories, even though I was mentally struggling at the time. I couldn't have felt this way before. Now, I can understand the situation to some extent, and I feel like I'm starting to see what's truly important. Speaking of high school, while most of the girls were good people, a few seemed to believe that I had a crush on them, even though they were teasing me. I didn't really respond to their teasing, and I generally don't consider women who tease and belittle men to be potential romantic partners. However, some of them seemed to think that I was interested in them and were acting accordingly. I didn't understand women's psychology very well back then, and sometimes I even found their teasing endearing, but it was mostly annoying. I thought it was similar to the psychology of children who tease and torment things they like, but I generally found it bothersome. Now, I realize that this was also a part of my adolescence. I now think that it would have been better if I had fallen for the "ordinary good" people rather than the "somewhat unusual" ones.
In the past, my "love" consisted of two things: first, assuming someone was attractive based on their appearance or outward behavior, which wasn't true love; and second, a genuine love that was limited to a few specific individuals, a love that could be unlocked by taking a leap of faith. This was a love directed towards a relatively specific and limited group of people. Now, through meditation, I have opened up a more "universal" love and come to understand love. These are essentially the same thing. Although they sound completely different, I now understand that they are the same. I've experienced flashbacks of the past, remembering things I had forgotten, which recreated the psychological situation of a lost love. However, this was a relatively temporary trigger, and it served as a starting point for understanding what universal love is. After recalling events from decades ago, I can't do anything about it now, but it was helpful for understanding. As a result, I've remembered the "universal love" that I probably knew and had forgotten, and I think it's the same psychological state I had when I was in elementary or junior high school. If that's the case, I've been in a state of being "in love" quite often recently, and I need to be careful not to make anyone misunderstand my intentions. However, I'm old enough that I'm not as worried about being misunderstood as I was when I was younger. When I was younger, especially in elementary or junior high school, I often made classmates and children of similar ages misunderstand my intentions with my gaze. I often felt sorry for making them think that I was looking at them and smiling, and that I must like them. I've had many experiences where I realized that people were looking at me, but I wasn't even aware of it. Of course, I'm old enough now that this doesn't happen, but I still try to be careful not to make people misunderstand my intentions. The difference lies in whether it's a "universal" love or a love directed towards a specific person. Because of this difference, I used to "be in love," but now I understand and comprehend love. There's a difference between being in a state of love and understanding it. There's a difference between an action and a state. It's the same love, but there's a difference between whether it's temporary or relatively universal. Before this, there was a state of "bliss" or "fulfillment," which was a stage in meditation. While meditation is good for opening up universal love, most people don't meditate, and it's quite difficult. So, it might be sufficient to simply fall in love and have a sincere relationship. This is not a physical love (although that's fine too), but a love from the heart, so it's okay to fall in love even when you're older. When I was in elementary or junior high school, I think I was living in a state of relatively universal love, and I didn't have much love for specific people. On the other hand, during high school and college, my mental state was often disrupted, and I would often fall out of a state of love, which led to temporary infatuations with specific people. So, in terms of "being in love," I was in adolescence, but I think I was actually able to live in a state of love more during elementary and junior high school. And now, I've finally returned to that state by remembering and understanding it. When you're in a state of universal love, you don't really "fall in love" as much as you accept things. In this state, it's relatively okay if you're somewhat okay with the other person, but if you're waiting or choosing to "fall in love," you might end up being single. For example, Ishida Yuri seems to have a universal love. She often says that she doesn't understand "love," but I think she's talking about how it's hard to understand the concept of "falling in love" when you're always living in a state of universal love. I've felt something similar before, but there's a big difference in the depth of love and the degree of understanding. There's still a possibility that my understanding of love will deepen further in the future, but for now, I feel like I've made progress by returning to the state I was in when I was in elementary or junior high school. It's a bit late, but I'm glad I've come to understand and comprehend love.
Understanding a child who puts on a good-looking, fake smile and is often misunderstood, despite being sincere.
Here's the translation:
In reality, I always thought my maternal grandmother was a "good person." My uncle, who lived with her, also seemed like a good person. He was quite straightforward, and I distanced myself from him after moving to Tokyo. However, I couldn't quite grasp the true nature of my grandmother. During World War II, she worked as a nurse on the islands of Truk, and she survived because she returned before the situation worsened. However, just before leaving, she was no longer treating patients but counting the bodies. Even in such a situation, there were moments of joy, like when droplets of water fell from a large leaf when shaken. In the beginning, everyone laughed and enjoyed these moments. When I was a child, I simply accepted these statements as "there were moments of joy." However, I now believe that people smile in extremely difficult situations. It's a smile born of hardship. Understanding this basic principle allows one to realize that not all smiles indicate happiness. People who have experienced such situations may develop a habit of hiding their true feelings behind a smile. Now that I think about it, my grandmother's smile probably always had this underlying reason. I thought she was always cheerful, but in reality, her family ran a business, and she had to maintain a good image, so her smile might have been a facade. Furthermore, I believe she was smiling because she had overcome difficult experiences and was living a peaceful life. This type of smile, which is a mixture of various factors, contains multiple layers. As time passed, it became clear that my grandmother had some questionable aspects, and she would sometimes belittle my mother, take advantage of her, and speak ill of her behind her back. Therefore, she was a person who seemed good on the surface but was actually cunning. I couldn't see through this when I was younger.
This helps me understand the two girls who were with the girl at the T University example. At the time, I simply thought these two girls were putting on smiles and not showing their true selves. They were the type of people who avoided direct questions and gave safe answers, and they didn't open up easily. While this is common when meeting someone for the first time, I thought their conversations were too formal and superficial. Now, I realize that this is the same pattern as my paternal grandmother. There was a constant distance between us, and she seemed to avoid me, even though she might have had a certain degree of affection, perhaps a condescending kind of affection, and she seemed to enjoy having someone who would be devoted to her. Although they were good at putting on smiles, they were difficult to understand, and they seemed to be hiding something. They didn't seem to like the man in front of them (me), but they never stopped smiling.
Just like my maternal grandmother and the two girls who were with the girl at T University, I had always simply recognized these types of women as "good" and "nice." However, now I think that these women are not morally trustworthy, not ordinary, and not suitable as partners or spouses in the sense of romantic love. They are perfectly suitable as partners in a conventional sense, and there would likely be few complaints about their serious and honest nature if they were married. However, they may not have experienced romantic love to the fullest extent, and it's possible that they might develop it over time. Nevertheless, they are perfectly suitable as partners because they are honest. The ideal is someone who is both honest and capable of romantic love, but such people are rare. Even if they are not capable of romantic love, they are sufficient as partners if they are honest. Both of these girls seemed good on the surface, but their true nature occasionally peeked through, revealing a mischievous side. They probably tried to hide it, but it was quite obvious. This is what made them seem like good girls, even though they were trying to put on a good face. They were probably trying to appear well-behaved, but I knew that they were mischievous, which was endearing. Even though they thought they were being proper, I knew that from the beginning. At the time, I wondered if they were hiding something, but now I think I was probably overthinking it. While their smiles may not be perfectly genuine in the ultimate sense, they are sufficiently honest. Their underlying personality is good, and it's natural for women to try to appear polite and well-behaved in front of men. Even if they are not capable of romantic love, that is often enough. When I was younger, I thought they were hiding something, but now I realize that it was probably not that significant, and there was no need to worry about it. It is difficult to find a partner who is capable of romantic love, and if someone is sufficiently honest, there is no need to worry too much about their mischievous side.
Regarding whether someone with traits like my mother's side grandmother, who was a cunning person, is suitable as a partner, I think it depends on the degree. There are no completely saintly people in this world, and people who have truly awakened to love are rare, so that is something to compromise on. There are people who have cunning aspects, such as those who aim to be a full-time housewife or those who try to lead others to benefit their own interests, and that is something to expect. However, if you dislike such people, it can be difficult, but if you think of it as something like that, it may not be so bothersome. However, there is a rule here: partners must be honest with each other. While we may overlook some cunning behavior towards others, if a partner is dishonest with us (although we may turn a blind eye to some extent), it may be difficult to continue the relationship if it is too blatant. It may be better to live with someone who has at least some degree of honesty, within the range that we can tolerate.
In reality, I always thought my maternal grandmother was a "good person." My uncle, who lived with her, also seemed like a good person. He was quite straightforward, and I distanced myself from him after moving to Tokyo. However, I couldn't quite grasp the true nature of my grandmother. During World War II, she worked as a nurse on the islands of Truk, and she survived because she returned before the situation worsened. However, just before leaving, she was no longer treating patients but counting the bodies. Even in such a situation, there were moments of joy, like when droplets of water fell from a large leaf when shaken. In the beginning, everyone laughed and enjoyed these moments. When I was a child, I simply accepted these statements as "there were moments of joy." However, I now believe that people smile in extremely difficult situations. It's a smile born of hardship. Understanding this basic principle allows one to realize that not all smiles indicate happiness. People who have experienced such situations may develop a habit of hiding their true feelings behind a smile. Now that I think about it, my grandmother's smile probably always had this underlying reason. I thought she was always cheerful, but in reality, her family ran a business, and she had to maintain a good image, so her smile might have been a facade. Furthermore, I believe she was smiling because she had overcome difficult experiences and was living a peaceful life. This type of smile, which is a mixture of various factors, contains multiple layers. As time passed, it became clear that my grandmother had some questionable aspects, and she would sometimes belittle my mother, take advantage of her, and speak ill of her behind her back. Therefore, she was a person who seemed good on the surface but was actually cunning. I couldn't see through this when I was younger.
This helps me understand the two girls who were with the girl at the T University example. At the time, I simply thought these two girls were putting on smiles and not showing their true selves. They were the type of people who avoided direct questions and gave safe answers, and they didn't open up easily. While this is common when meeting someone for the first time, I thought their conversations were too formal and superficial. Now, I realize that this is the same pattern as my paternal grandmother. There was a constant distance between us, and she seemed to avoid me, even though she might have had a certain degree of affection, perhaps a condescending kind of affection, and she seemed to enjoy having someone who would be devoted to her. Although they were good at putting on smiles, they were difficult to understand, and they seemed to be hiding something. They didn't seem to like the man in front of them (me), but they never stopped smiling.
Just like my maternal grandmother and the two girls who were with the girl at T University, I had always simply recognized these types of women as "good" and "nice." However, now I think that these women are not morally trustworthy, not ordinary, and not suitable as partners or spouses in the sense of romantic love. They are perfectly suitable as partners in a conventional sense, and there would likely be few complaints about their serious and honest nature if they were married. However, they may not have experienced romantic love to the fullest extent, and it's possible that they might develop it over time. Nevertheless, they are perfectly suitable as partners because they are honest. The ideal is someone who is both honest and capable of romantic love, but such people are rare. Even if they are not capable of romantic love, they are sufficient as partners if they are honest. Both of these girls seemed good on the surface, but their true nature occasionally peeked through, revealing a mischievous side. They probably tried to hide it, but it was quite obvious. This is what made them seem like good girls, even though they were trying to put on a good face. They were probably trying to appear well-behaved, but I knew that they were mischievous, which was endearing. Even though they thought they were being proper, I knew that from the beginning. At the time, I wondered if they were hiding something, but now I think I was probably overthinking it. While their smiles may not be perfectly genuine in the ultimate sense, they are sufficiently honest. Their underlying personality is good, and it's natural for women to try to appear polite and well-behaved in front of men. Even if they are not capable of romantic love, that is often enough. When I was younger, I thought they were hiding something, but now I realize that it was probably not that significant, and there was no need to worry about it. It is difficult to find a partner who is capable of romantic love, and if someone is sufficiently honest, there is no need to worry too much about their mischievous side.
Regarding whether someone with traits like my mother's side grandmother, who was a cunning person, is suitable as a partner, I think it depends on the degree. There are no completely saintly people in this world, and people who have truly awakened to love are rare, so that is something to compromise on. There are people who have cunning aspects, such as those who aim to be a full-time housewife or those who try to lead others to benefit their own interests, and that is something to expect. However, if you dislike such people, it can be difficult, but if you think of it as something like that, it may not be so bothersome. However, there is a rule here: partners must be honest with each other. While we may overlook some cunning behavior towards others, if a partner is dishonest with us (although we may turn a blind eye to some extent), it may be difficult to continue the relationship if it is too blatant. It may be better to live with someone who has at least some degree of honesty, within the range that we can tolerate.
Male and female, with and without love patterns.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
- Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
- Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
- Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.
A man should properly express his attitude that he loves his girlfriend or wife above all else.
I have arrived at this conclusion after repeatedly confirming it through parallel universes. Therefore, as a man, I should adopt an attitude of "I want her to be here because I like her," rather than saying something like, "Does she like me? I'm here for her because I like her."
This is also true in reality, and such statements or attitudes should not be made as a means of "proving" love. Basically, women tend to be in a position of "being there because the man wants them," and they often rely on the man's financial support in marriage. Men should not complain about this, nor should they rely on the woman's wallet (even occasionally) to "prove" their love. It should be natural for men to provide financially, and they should be in a position where they can afford to have women close to them.
I have repeatedly confirmed this through parallel universes because I was unsure about this aspect.
For example, I tested scenarios such as what would happen if I were dating without money, or if I pretended to be poor even when I had money, using parallel universes and various scenarios with students from T University and their friends. In both cases, if the premise was that I had little money, even if things were initially good, dissatisfaction would build up over time, leading to irritation or the woman leaving for another man.
For example, in the case of the T University friend I mentioned earlier, she probably has some psychic abilities and remembers parallel universes, so she may have had a memory of me being rich or earning money through stock options when we started dating. However, since I was not actually rich, she rejected me, and a few years later, she found a husband who was a bureaucrat and left me. She was a good person, but even so, she seemed to dislike it when I didn't have enough money.
Alternatively, in another parallel universe, I was unable to even start dating the T University student because I didn't have enough money, or in another parallel universe, even if things seemed to be going well with the T University student, she became irritated and angry when I pretended to be poor.
As a result of these "no money" scenarios all failing, I have abandoned the idea of women feeling a "romantic" or "idealistic" notion of "love without money."
Even without that romance, I can have very good women close to me as long as I have money, which is more than enough. That is the reality.
What I have learned is that, in general, women feel happy through a man's money. Therefore, men tend to seek a "pure love without money" as a romantic ideal, but women are realistic, so there is no need to subject women to a man's romantic fantasies. Instead, men should give women money. While there is a trend of claiming that this is bad, such claims are deceptions intended to confuse society. Men should not be swayed by such deceptions, but should share money with their families.
This may sound like a blunt statement, but "pure love without money" is something that only exists in childhood, and it is impossible for adults. For adults, it is "pure love supported by a certain amount of money." (Love based solely on money is out of the question.)
After seeing many parallel universes and observing the lives of my past wives (connected through group souls) who had successful relationships, it is basically better for men to be wealthy, and that is why women can live happily without worrying about money. The past wives who are connected to me through group souls and who are close to me have not had to worry about money throughout their lives, and after they die, they help me without expecting anything in return. After death, when they become spirits, they will experience pure love without money, but while they are alive, money is necessary, so it is better to let my wife use money freely, and the idea of "love without money" is just a feeling. It is a matter of course that people who are truly in trouble need money. If you don't have financial difficulties while alive, it is pure love, and after death, money is no longer needed, so only pure love remains.
Since money is necessary while alive, it is best to let my wife use as much money as she needs without any inconvenience.
As a result of confirming these various things, it seems that if I reconnect with my ideal T University student before I become wealthy, it will only lead to failure. Therefore, until then, it is best to maintain a slight distance, occasionally seeing her from a short distance like across the street, once a year, so that she doesn't forget me, but to postpone actually reconnecting with her for a while.
Before that period, I tried restarting things, but they didn't work out. This is a conclusion I reached after trying it several times. It's not really a deduction, but rather a result of actually trying it and seeing that it didn't work. Perhaps, if I challenge it many more times, there might be a pattern where it eventually works, but according to the judgment of a higher spirit, it's best to restart it during the middle age.
If that's the best course of action according to the life plan, there's no need to aim for restarting with that person right now. It seems that it will naturally restart when the time comes, so until then, I should focus on doing the things I should be doing now.
This is also true in reality, and such statements or attitudes should not be made as a means of "proving" love. Basically, women tend to be in a position of "being there because the man wants them," and they often rely on the man's financial support in marriage. Men should not complain about this, nor should they rely on the woman's wallet (even occasionally) to "prove" their love. It should be natural for men to provide financially, and they should be in a position where they can afford to have women close to them.
I have repeatedly confirmed this through parallel universes because I was unsure about this aspect.
For example, I tested scenarios such as what would happen if I were dating without money, or if I pretended to be poor even when I had money, using parallel universes and various scenarios with students from T University and their friends. In both cases, if the premise was that I had little money, even if things were initially good, dissatisfaction would build up over time, leading to irritation or the woman leaving for another man.
For example, in the case of the T University friend I mentioned earlier, she probably has some psychic abilities and remembers parallel universes, so she may have had a memory of me being rich or earning money through stock options when we started dating. However, since I was not actually rich, she rejected me, and a few years later, she found a husband who was a bureaucrat and left me. She was a good person, but even so, she seemed to dislike it when I didn't have enough money.
Alternatively, in another parallel universe, I was unable to even start dating the T University student because I didn't have enough money, or in another parallel universe, even if things seemed to be going well with the T University student, she became irritated and angry when I pretended to be poor.
As a result of these "no money" scenarios all failing, I have abandoned the idea of women feeling a "romantic" or "idealistic" notion of "love without money."
Even without that romance, I can have very good women close to me as long as I have money, which is more than enough. That is the reality.
What I have learned is that, in general, women feel happy through a man's money. Therefore, men tend to seek a "pure love without money" as a romantic ideal, but women are realistic, so there is no need to subject women to a man's romantic fantasies. Instead, men should give women money. While there is a trend of claiming that this is bad, such claims are deceptions intended to confuse society. Men should not be swayed by such deceptions, but should share money with their families.
This may sound like a blunt statement, but "pure love without money" is something that only exists in childhood, and it is impossible for adults. For adults, it is "pure love supported by a certain amount of money." (Love based solely on money is out of the question.)
After seeing many parallel universes and observing the lives of my past wives (connected through group souls) who had successful relationships, it is basically better for men to be wealthy, and that is why women can live happily without worrying about money. The past wives who are connected to me through group souls and who are close to me have not had to worry about money throughout their lives, and after they die, they help me without expecting anything in return. After death, when they become spirits, they will experience pure love without money, but while they are alive, money is necessary, so it is better to let my wife use money freely, and the idea of "love without money" is just a feeling. It is a matter of course that people who are truly in trouble need money. If you don't have financial difficulties while alive, it is pure love, and after death, money is no longer needed, so only pure love remains.
Since money is necessary while alive, it is best to let my wife use as much money as she needs without any inconvenience.
As a result of confirming these various things, it seems that if I reconnect with my ideal T University student before I become wealthy, it will only lead to failure. Therefore, until then, it is best to maintain a slight distance, occasionally seeing her from a short distance like across the street, once a year, so that she doesn't forget me, but to postpone actually reconnecting with her for a while.
Before that period, I tried restarting things, but they didn't work out. This is a conclusion I reached after trying it several times. It's not really a deduction, but rather a result of actually trying it and seeing that it didn't work. Perhaps, if I challenge it many more times, there might be a pattern where it eventually works, but according to the judgment of a higher spirit, it's best to restart it during the middle age.
If that's the best course of action according to the life plan, there's no need to aim for restarting with that person right now. It seems that it will naturally restart when the time comes, so until then, I should focus on doing the things I should be doing now.
The original story about a child who is T years old.
The initial impetus was a desire to utilize assets after death and find a partner to whom they could be entrusted. The concern was that if no such person was found, the assets would go to the state or be mismanaged by a charitable organization. This led to a consideration of altering the timeline.
There was a concern that even if life seemed successful, the assets might not be properly utilized after the speaker's death. Therefore, a spirit transcending time sought a partner to address this issue.
The intention was to find a partner who could manage the assets, and ideally, to establish a company led by women to create a society where women could thrive. The ideal scenario involved a female CEO, no children, a female successor, and a transfer to a younger generation of women, particularly those with excellent qualifications (e.g., graduates of prestigious universities).
Therefore, personal preferences or dislikes were secondary to this overarching goal. The primary concern was ensuring the assets were entrusted to someone who would use them wisely, allowing for freedom in their use. While the outcome was uncertain, this was the intended plan. Consequently, while the concept of "love" is important, it was a personal matter secondary to the larger objective.
The ultimate goal was to create a significant entity, such as a foundation or group of companies, to benefit women, and to find suitable individuals for this purpose. The spirit, in a disembodied state, visited offices of consulting firms like McKinsey to identify potential candidates. A highly intelligent and accomplished woman, recognized by a foreign consulting firm, with a pleasing appearance and a straightforward personality, was found. The spirit then traveled back in time to establish a connection. Approaching her later in life might have created distrust or distance, so the decision was made to approach her at a younger age.
After several timeline adjustments and other factors, a significant life change was necessary. The timeline initially depicted a relatively affluent existence, but it was decided that experiencing poverty would be more beneficial for spiritual growth, understanding the "bottom" of society, and resolving karmic debts. This involved a period of relative poverty spanning several decades of her youth. As a result, the woman, who had previously shown interest motivated by financial gain, reacted poorly when approached without the prospect of wealth. The interaction was limited to a casual acquaintance during her youth, with occasional encounters to keep her memory alive, with a full reconnection postponed until middle age.
While she was inherently talented, unseen support, such as tutoring, was provided from childhood to ensure she achieved even greater success, enabling her to fulfill her purpose. This intervention was not arbitrary but was intended to be in alignment with her own spirit, with her consent to cooperate for the greater good. While the extent of her awareness is unknown, the intervention was not unilateral.
Given the magnitude of the objective, personal matters like "pure love" or whether she was motivated by money are secondary. The primary concern is that she effectively manages the assets, invests them in the company, operates it for the benefit of women, and passes the torch to the next generation of female leaders, creating a lasting group of companies that support women and allocate resources to women-focused initiatives.
The fundamental purpose lies in this area, and visible details like potential financial motivations are personal matters. The intention was to connect with her to create a group of companies that would benefit women, pass on assets to future generations, and foster a society where women can thrive.
I don't know if that will really happen. It's like a dream. I'll put this story aside for now.
There was a concern that even if life seemed successful, the assets might not be properly utilized after the speaker's death. Therefore, a spirit transcending time sought a partner to address this issue.
The intention was to find a partner who could manage the assets, and ideally, to establish a company led by women to create a society where women could thrive. The ideal scenario involved a female CEO, no children, a female successor, and a transfer to a younger generation of women, particularly those with excellent qualifications (e.g., graduates of prestigious universities).
Therefore, personal preferences or dislikes were secondary to this overarching goal. The primary concern was ensuring the assets were entrusted to someone who would use them wisely, allowing for freedom in their use. While the outcome was uncertain, this was the intended plan. Consequently, while the concept of "love" is important, it was a personal matter secondary to the larger objective.
The ultimate goal was to create a significant entity, such as a foundation or group of companies, to benefit women, and to find suitable individuals for this purpose. The spirit, in a disembodied state, visited offices of consulting firms like McKinsey to identify potential candidates. A highly intelligent and accomplished woman, recognized by a foreign consulting firm, with a pleasing appearance and a straightforward personality, was found. The spirit then traveled back in time to establish a connection. Approaching her later in life might have created distrust or distance, so the decision was made to approach her at a younger age.
After several timeline adjustments and other factors, a significant life change was necessary. The timeline initially depicted a relatively affluent existence, but it was decided that experiencing poverty would be more beneficial for spiritual growth, understanding the "bottom" of society, and resolving karmic debts. This involved a period of relative poverty spanning several decades of her youth. As a result, the woman, who had previously shown interest motivated by financial gain, reacted poorly when approached without the prospect of wealth. The interaction was limited to a casual acquaintance during her youth, with occasional encounters to keep her memory alive, with a full reconnection postponed until middle age.
While she was inherently talented, unseen support, such as tutoring, was provided from childhood to ensure she achieved even greater success, enabling her to fulfill her purpose. This intervention was not arbitrary but was intended to be in alignment with her own spirit, with her consent to cooperate for the greater good. While the extent of her awareness is unknown, the intervention was not unilateral.
Given the magnitude of the objective, personal matters like "pure love" or whether she was motivated by money are secondary. The primary concern is that she effectively manages the assets, invests them in the company, operates it for the benefit of women, and passes the torch to the next generation of female leaders, creating a lasting group of companies that support women and allocate resources to women-focused initiatives.
The fundamental purpose lies in this area, and visible details like potential financial motivations are personal matters. The intention was to connect with her to create a group of companies that would benefit women, pass on assets to future generations, and foster a society where women can thrive.
I don't know if that will really happen. It's like a dream. I'll put this story aside for now.
Combinations of love and types of partners.
The connections with partners can be divided into several patterns.
1. You only know of affection, and don't understand heart-to-heart love.
1-1. If someone is loving you with their heart (or you think they are), or if someone is actively pursuing you, accept it. In this case, the relationship becomes one where the partner is loving you unilaterally. Since you don't know that kind of love, you should be grateful to the partner who is loving you with their heart. However, what you often do is reject them because you don't feel the same way. It's rare to have mutual love, so you should generally accept someone who is loving you with their heart, especially if they are a decent person. If you have someone who loves you with their heart and is also decent and moral, they are hard to come by, so you should be grateful to that person. (Perhaps I should have accepted more people who genuinely cared about me.)
1-2. If you love someone with affection, you can approach them. It's up to them. If the other person understands heart-to-heart love and accepts it, the relationship will go well. However, if the other person only knows affection and doesn't understand heart-to-heart love, there is a tendency for problems to arise. It is important to determine if the other person is decent and moral before approaching them. (I have failed many times with this.)
1-3. If you demand heart-to-heart love from someone (even though neither you nor the other person understands it), it is difficult. It is inappropriate to demand heart-to-heart love from someone who doesn't understand it, but this pattern is surprisingly common. As a result, you may become dissatisfied if you feel you are not being loved enough. It's a selfish thing to do. (For example, a classmate who admired the kind of romance depicted by Adachi Tsumi might have been in this pattern.)
1-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love and is only loving you with affection, it's acceptable if they are decent and moral.
2. You understand heart-to-heart love. (This can be constant, or limited to a specific person or a temporary period.)
2-1. If someone is loving you with their heart and actively pursuing you, it's almost the same as 1-1. Be grateful that they love you and consider accepting it. This relationship has the potential to develop into mutual love, even if it starts as a one-sided affair. This seems like an ideal situation.
2-2. If you love someone with heart-to-heart love, you can approach them. It's up to them. This is almost the same as 2-1. Before approaching them, determine if they are decent and moral. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love, there is a risk of problems, but if they at least understand affection, the problem is not as severe. It is important to confirm whether their affection is truly directed towards you. If the other person is not decent and moral, there is a risk of being exploited, so be careful.
2-3. Demanding heart-to-heart love from someone who doesn't understand it. This is something that happens often, but it seems difficult in reality. Even if you love your partner with heart-to-heart love, and your partner is not very enthusiastic, it is better to be satisfied if they are at least honest, sincere, and moral.
2-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love and is only loving you with affection, it's acceptable if they are decent and moral, just like 1-4.
In my case (before I understood this), I was basically in pattern 1 (and sometimes in pattern 2 with specific people), but I was quite oblivious and often ignored it. Now that I think about it, I should have accepted it more, and I should have been grateful to the girls who were showing affection for me, and I could have gotten along with them better. Now I'm transitioning to pattern 2, which is more constant, but I don't know how many opportunities I will have to practice it. I think the kind of romance depicted by Adachi Tsumi (which is a relatively constant, stable, and universal form of heart-to-heart love) is something that only a few people can achieve in reality. In reality, at least if one of the partners understands heart-to-heart love (and if the other partner is moral), that is enough.
When I write this, it might be misunderstood as if affection is something inferior, but affection is a pure and loving state. Affection is a possessive love, but that is because the love is strong. There are many people in the world who don't even know this level of love, and probably my father, my brother, or some of my relatives (especially my father's relatives) don't know affection, and that's why they often have resentful feelings, and sometimes they temporarily feel affection for specific people. The hierarchy I mentioned above is from affection to heart-to-heart love, but there is also a stage between affection and affection, and my father and brother were in the stage of learning affection (from before affection), and then they learn heart-to-heart love.
These relationships have an asymmetry. If you want to be desirable, you first need to understand a higher level of love. This makes it easier for the rule to apply that the person you attract will generally be at or below your level. For example, if you can reach the level of "heart" love, you will become desirable to people at or below that level (patterns 2-1, 2-4). If you reach the level of "affection," you will become desirable to people at or below that level (pattern 1-4). It is more appropriate and leads to mutual happiness to live a satisfied life with a partner at your level (patterns 1-4, 2-1) rather than expecting something special from your partner, such as "heart" love (pattern 1-3). On the other hand, if you are liked by someone who knows a higher level of love, you should be grateful for that good fortune and accept it (pattern 1-1).
If your partner knows "heart" love, there are generally not many problems. However, while "heart" love is warm, it is also cool, and if you have only achieved the level of "desire," you may find your partner lacking. At the stage of "affection," you know a certain level of love, although not as much as "heart" love. Therefore, people at the stage of "affection" may have some degree of possessiveness, but if they are your partner, it is unlikely to cause many problems. On the other hand, if you only know "desire" and not even "affection," there are likely to be many problems. Therefore, so-called "innocent bitches" are often at this stage (they do not know "heart" love, their "desire" is dominant, and they are learning). There are also some people in the world who live only by possessiveness and survival instincts without even knowing "sexual love" and are learning about "desire." However, even that is better than being at a stage before "sexual love," as problems are more likely to occur at that stage. This is not a situation where the stages switch completely and instantly, but rather there is some overlap. The way of life, way of thinking, attitude, behavior, and form of love change depending on which stage is the person's main stage.
1. You only know of affection, and don't understand heart-to-heart love.
1-1. If someone is loving you with their heart (or you think they are), or if someone is actively pursuing you, accept it. In this case, the relationship becomes one where the partner is loving you unilaterally. Since you don't know that kind of love, you should be grateful to the partner who is loving you with their heart. However, what you often do is reject them because you don't feel the same way. It's rare to have mutual love, so you should generally accept someone who is loving you with their heart, especially if they are a decent person. If you have someone who loves you with their heart and is also decent and moral, they are hard to come by, so you should be grateful to that person. (Perhaps I should have accepted more people who genuinely cared about me.)
1-2. If you love someone with affection, you can approach them. It's up to them. If the other person understands heart-to-heart love and accepts it, the relationship will go well. However, if the other person only knows affection and doesn't understand heart-to-heart love, there is a tendency for problems to arise. It is important to determine if the other person is decent and moral before approaching them. (I have failed many times with this.)
1-3. If you demand heart-to-heart love from someone (even though neither you nor the other person understands it), it is difficult. It is inappropriate to demand heart-to-heart love from someone who doesn't understand it, but this pattern is surprisingly common. As a result, you may become dissatisfied if you feel you are not being loved enough. It's a selfish thing to do. (For example, a classmate who admired the kind of romance depicted by Adachi Tsumi might have been in this pattern.)
1-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love and is only loving you with affection, it's acceptable if they are decent and moral.
2. You understand heart-to-heart love. (This can be constant, or limited to a specific person or a temporary period.)
2-1. If someone is loving you with their heart and actively pursuing you, it's almost the same as 1-1. Be grateful that they love you and consider accepting it. This relationship has the potential to develop into mutual love, even if it starts as a one-sided affair. This seems like an ideal situation.
2-2. If you love someone with heart-to-heart love, you can approach them. It's up to them. This is almost the same as 2-1. Before approaching them, determine if they are decent and moral. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love, there is a risk of problems, but if they at least understand affection, the problem is not as severe. It is important to confirm whether their affection is truly directed towards you. If the other person is not decent and moral, there is a risk of being exploited, so be careful.
2-3. Demanding heart-to-heart love from someone who doesn't understand it. This is something that happens often, but it seems difficult in reality. Even if you love your partner with heart-to-heart love, and your partner is not very enthusiastic, it is better to be satisfied if they are at least honest, sincere, and moral.
2-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-to-heart love and is only loving you with affection, it's acceptable if they are decent and moral, just like 1-4.
In my case (before I understood this), I was basically in pattern 1 (and sometimes in pattern 2 with specific people), but I was quite oblivious and often ignored it. Now that I think about it, I should have accepted it more, and I should have been grateful to the girls who were showing affection for me, and I could have gotten along with them better. Now I'm transitioning to pattern 2, which is more constant, but I don't know how many opportunities I will have to practice it. I think the kind of romance depicted by Adachi Tsumi (which is a relatively constant, stable, and universal form of heart-to-heart love) is something that only a few people can achieve in reality. In reality, at least if one of the partners understands heart-to-heart love (and if the other partner is moral), that is enough.
When I write this, it might be misunderstood as if affection is something inferior, but affection is a pure and loving state. Affection is a possessive love, but that is because the love is strong. There are many people in the world who don't even know this level of love, and probably my father, my brother, or some of my relatives (especially my father's relatives) don't know affection, and that's why they often have resentful feelings, and sometimes they temporarily feel affection for specific people. The hierarchy I mentioned above is from affection to heart-to-heart love, but there is also a stage between affection and affection, and my father and brother were in the stage of learning affection (from before affection), and then they learn heart-to-heart love.
These relationships have an asymmetry. If you want to be desirable, you first need to understand a higher level of love. This makes it easier for the rule to apply that the person you attract will generally be at or below your level. For example, if you can reach the level of "heart" love, you will become desirable to people at or below that level (patterns 2-1, 2-4). If you reach the level of "affection," you will become desirable to people at or below that level (pattern 1-4). It is more appropriate and leads to mutual happiness to live a satisfied life with a partner at your level (patterns 1-4, 2-1) rather than expecting something special from your partner, such as "heart" love (pattern 1-3). On the other hand, if you are liked by someone who knows a higher level of love, you should be grateful for that good fortune and accept it (pattern 1-1).
If your partner knows "heart" love, there are generally not many problems. However, while "heart" love is warm, it is also cool, and if you have only achieved the level of "desire," you may find your partner lacking. At the stage of "affection," you know a certain level of love, although not as much as "heart" love. Therefore, people at the stage of "affection" may have some degree of possessiveness, but if they are your partner, it is unlikely to cause many problems. On the other hand, if you only know "desire" and not even "affection," there are likely to be many problems. Therefore, so-called "innocent bitches" are often at this stage (they do not know "heart" love, their "desire" is dominant, and they are learning). There are also some people in the world who live only by possessiveness and survival instincts without even knowing "sexual love" and are learning about "desire." However, even that is better than being at a stage before "sexual love," as problems are more likely to occur at that stage. This is not a situation where the stages switch completely and instantly, but rather there is some overlap. The way of life, way of thinking, attitude, behavior, and form of love change depending on which stage is the person's main stage.
The ending of a story about a magical realm, recalled from memory.
Before and after the Golden Week holiday, I experienced forced flashbacks of memories from the past decade, re-experiencing them and reinterpreting them based on my current understanding. I believe I have largely sorted things out.
This time, by reconsidering and understanding the concept of love, I have been reborn, my consciousness has been renewed, and I have (clearly) known the love of the heart, making the world seem completely different and allowing me to feel that the world is wonderful (even more). Even before this, I had experienced a sense of tranquility and bliss through meditation, feeling the basic aspects of this sensation. However, those initial sensations I felt before were like a faint feeling with a cloud over my consciousness. This time, I have finally reached the stage where I truly know the love of the heart, and the world has changed, giving me the feeling of living in a different world, beyond a certain threshold.
In the world, I see that there are surprisingly many people who are married without fully understanding their own level of love. On the other hand, there are also a considerable number of people who, even without explicitly calling themselves spiritual, genuinely love their partners and children with their hearts in their everyday lives. There are differences in understanding love between men and women, and each person's level of understanding is different, and these differences, along with the advantages and disadvantages of marriage, economic benefits, the desire for children, bragging rights, and status, all contribute to the decision to marry. However, there are also cases where people marry because they love each other with their hearts. So, I have always been in this wonderful world. Therefore, I have not become special, but rather, something that was missing has finally become normal. The wonderful world is the normal state.
Since elementary school, I have been subjected to relentless bullying, which caused the "light orb" in my heart to break, shedding tears, and my mental state deteriorated. My mind detached from my body, leaving only a small amount of consciousness in my body, and I lived with mental exhaustion. I have finally repaired that light orb, and the mind that had detached from my body and wandered around, near and far, has returned, and my mind has recovered to the state it was before the light orb broke, allowing me to overcome mental exhaustion and feel the love of the heart again. The light orb is my very being, and it seems that since the light orb broke in elementary school, I have not been able to connect properly with this world. I have been in a state where my mind has been separated from my body, literally, where my mind has not been properly residing in this body. Therefore, since the light orb broke, my awareness of my physical sensations has been constantly blurred. This time, my mind has finally returned to this body, and my mind has begun to properly use my body. For a long time, my mind has been connected to my body only in a small way, with most of my consciousness asleep. This can also be said to be the state where my mind has properly resided in this body, and I believe that the same state is also the state of knowing the love of the heart. There were three light orbs in my childhood, and only one has recovered so far, so there is still more to go, but I think it is safe to say that I have overcome a major hurdle. When the light orb (Purusha, divine spirit, pure consciousness) entered through the Sahasrara chakra, it was just entering, but it was not yet fully synchronized with the body. This time, my heart has opened, and the Purusha (pure consciousness) seems to have become even more synchronized with my body. From the perspective of manifest consciousness, it seems that my mind was lost and blurred, but from the perspective of Purusha (pure consciousness), it seems that my mind has been separated from my body. The mind that detached from me in elementary school has finally returned to my body. Even from the perspective of yoga and Vedanta, Purusha does not break, but it can separate from the body, and for decades, my mind has not been properly residing in my body, which is a state of mental exhaustion and a state of mental breakdown. This time, I have finally recovered my mind. My mind has returned to my body, and that is what has allowed me to feel the love of the heart. I have regained the sensations that I felt in childhood. Now that I think about it, it is only natural that I would not understand the love of the heart or be able to have a successful relationship if my mind was not in my body. I was living mainly in my physical body. If there is no mind at all, one dies, but I think that for the past few decades, I have been living with about 20% of my scattered mind, compared to when I was in elementary school. That would explain why my awareness has been constantly blurred. Now, even though it has returned, it is only about 50%, and it seems that I am not yet in top condition. Despite being in such a state of mental breakdown, I survived because I was always watched over and cared for by the spirits of my past lives (wives connected through group soul), who were always around me.
This was a catharsis. As Aristotle said, by re-experiencing the tragedy of life with pity, fear, and love, one can achieve catharsis.
Now, I think that if one knows the love of the heart, the partner's openness will increase, and if one is sincere and trustworthy, one can get along with almost anyone. Or, if one approaches someone who knows the love of the heart, there is a high probability that they will be accepted (this may just be my thinking).
Various possibilities have emerged in the past few weeks, leading to various understandings of past events. This has not only illuminated the past but also suggested possibilities for the future. In reality, even if one sees the future through meditation, the degree to which that future reality is possible varies, and it is sufficient to look back at that time and say, "Ah, that was right," when reality occurs. A common mistake for those who are not familiar with spirituality is to say, "Because I saw it in meditation, it will happen. I will wait for it." If one does this, it often does not materialize, and only time passes, and one later regrets, "Ah, that was a misunderstanding." This is because the order is reversed. The understanding gained through meditation is what it is, and it should be used in the future, but there is no need to deny the premonitions seen in meditation, but basically, one should ignore them, and live as usual, as before. Therefore, even though various possibilities have emerged, they will not greatly change one's life.
The most important thing is the understanding of love, which will greatly change one's way of life in the future, and information and premonitions are secondary and not that important. The most important thing is that one has understood the love of the heart. "With the love of the heart, the world is wonderful, and the world is full of love, and (most) people are kind and shining." This is the most important lesson and understanding gained from reflecting on the past few weeks of life.
This time, by reconsidering and understanding the concept of love, I have been reborn, my consciousness has been renewed, and I have (clearly) known the love of the heart, making the world seem completely different and allowing me to feel that the world is wonderful (even more). Even before this, I had experienced a sense of tranquility and bliss through meditation, feeling the basic aspects of this sensation. However, those initial sensations I felt before were like a faint feeling with a cloud over my consciousness. This time, I have finally reached the stage where I truly know the love of the heart, and the world has changed, giving me the feeling of living in a different world, beyond a certain threshold.
In the world, I see that there are surprisingly many people who are married without fully understanding their own level of love. On the other hand, there are also a considerable number of people who, even without explicitly calling themselves spiritual, genuinely love their partners and children with their hearts in their everyday lives. There are differences in understanding love between men and women, and each person's level of understanding is different, and these differences, along with the advantages and disadvantages of marriage, economic benefits, the desire for children, bragging rights, and status, all contribute to the decision to marry. However, there are also cases where people marry because they love each other with their hearts. So, I have always been in this wonderful world. Therefore, I have not become special, but rather, something that was missing has finally become normal. The wonderful world is the normal state.
Since elementary school, I have been subjected to relentless bullying, which caused the "light orb" in my heart to break, shedding tears, and my mental state deteriorated. My mind detached from my body, leaving only a small amount of consciousness in my body, and I lived with mental exhaustion. I have finally repaired that light orb, and the mind that had detached from my body and wandered around, near and far, has returned, and my mind has recovered to the state it was before the light orb broke, allowing me to overcome mental exhaustion and feel the love of the heart again. The light orb is my very being, and it seems that since the light orb broke in elementary school, I have not been able to connect properly with this world. I have been in a state where my mind has been separated from my body, literally, where my mind has not been properly residing in this body. Therefore, since the light orb broke, my awareness of my physical sensations has been constantly blurred. This time, my mind has finally returned to this body, and my mind has begun to properly use my body. For a long time, my mind has been connected to my body only in a small way, with most of my consciousness asleep. This can also be said to be the state where my mind has properly resided in this body, and I believe that the same state is also the state of knowing the love of the heart. There were three light orbs in my childhood, and only one has recovered so far, so there is still more to go, but I think it is safe to say that I have overcome a major hurdle. When the light orb (Purusha, divine spirit, pure consciousness) entered through the Sahasrara chakra, it was just entering, but it was not yet fully synchronized with the body. This time, my heart has opened, and the Purusha (pure consciousness) seems to have become even more synchronized with my body. From the perspective of manifest consciousness, it seems that my mind was lost and blurred, but from the perspective of Purusha (pure consciousness), it seems that my mind has been separated from my body. The mind that detached from me in elementary school has finally returned to my body. Even from the perspective of yoga and Vedanta, Purusha does not break, but it can separate from the body, and for decades, my mind has not been properly residing in my body, which is a state of mental exhaustion and a state of mental breakdown. This time, I have finally recovered my mind. My mind has returned to my body, and that is what has allowed me to feel the love of the heart. I have regained the sensations that I felt in childhood. Now that I think about it, it is only natural that I would not understand the love of the heart or be able to have a successful relationship if my mind was not in my body. I was living mainly in my physical body. If there is no mind at all, one dies, but I think that for the past few decades, I have been living with about 20% of my scattered mind, compared to when I was in elementary school. That would explain why my awareness has been constantly blurred. Now, even though it has returned, it is only about 50%, and it seems that I am not yet in top condition. Despite being in such a state of mental breakdown, I survived because I was always watched over and cared for by the spirits of my past lives (wives connected through group soul), who were always around me.
This was a catharsis. As Aristotle said, by re-experiencing the tragedy of life with pity, fear, and love, one can achieve catharsis.
Now, I think that if one knows the love of the heart, the partner's openness will increase, and if one is sincere and trustworthy, one can get along with almost anyone. Or, if one approaches someone who knows the love of the heart, there is a high probability that they will be accepted (this may just be my thinking).
Various possibilities have emerged in the past few weeks, leading to various understandings of past events. This has not only illuminated the past but also suggested possibilities for the future. In reality, even if one sees the future through meditation, the degree to which that future reality is possible varies, and it is sufficient to look back at that time and say, "Ah, that was right," when reality occurs. A common mistake for those who are not familiar with spirituality is to say, "Because I saw it in meditation, it will happen. I will wait for it." If one does this, it often does not materialize, and only time passes, and one later regrets, "Ah, that was a misunderstanding." This is because the order is reversed. The understanding gained through meditation is what it is, and it should be used in the future, but there is no need to deny the premonitions seen in meditation, but basically, one should ignore them, and live as usual, as before. Therefore, even though various possibilities have emerged, they will not greatly change one's life.
The most important thing is the understanding of love, which will greatly change one's way of life in the future, and information and premonitions are secondary and not that important. The most important thing is that one has understood the love of the heart. "With the love of the heart, the world is wonderful, and the world is full of love, and (most) people are kind and shining." This is the most important lesson and understanding gained from reflecting on the past few weeks of life.