Recently, the feeling of the heart chakra (Anahata) has been activated, and I feel like I'm going through a period of adolescence.

I suspect this might be what is described as "magical realm" in Buddhism. I think I've experienced similar things before, but in the past month, I've been experiencing a rather intense "magical realm."

Recently, I've mostly overcome it, but after the Sushumna (the energy channel along the spine, one of the main Nadis in yoga) has been activated, a different kind of "magical realm" has appeared. I think this is probably an emotional "magical realm" caused by connecting with the astral plane.

1. Dysfunction (a so-called "magical realm") caused by energy being blocked in the head (3 weeks ago to 2 weeks ago).
2. A "magical realm" caused by the Sushumna channel passing from Ajna to the Vishuddha (throat chakra), and then to the Anahata (heart chakra), activating the emotional and astral aspects (this seems like the true "magical realm"). (About 1 week recently)
3. If Ajna opens even a little, or if Sahasrara (crown chakra) opens even a little, the "magical realm" is resolved. (These past few days)

When the energy is connected to Ajna and Sahasrara, and the energy is filling Ajna or Sahasrara, I don't experience the "magical realm," and I feel energetic and fulfilled. However, when Ajna or Sahasrara doesn't open properly, I feel like I'm in an emotional "magical realm" state.

During the period of being in a state of confusion, for some reason, feelings and emotions towards a person (a woman) who I wasn't particularly close to and had almost forgotten, resurface. We only had meals together twice during our school days, I barely remember her, and we only talked for a few hours in total, so she's not someone I know well. However, for some reason, negative aspects of my behavior at that time flash back, and I experience a melancholic feeling similar to the pain of unrequited love during adolescence. In reality, I don't think what happened at that time was that significant. When I recall that time, we got along, but it didn't develop into a romantic relationship, and it ended there.

Although the factual basis is consistent, the feelings I experienced at that time are different from the content that flashes back and the actual memories I have. This is completely different from past "traumas related to real events." While the "material" used is based on the reality of that time, the emotional content that is flashed back is different from what I actually felt at that time. I think this is a manifestation of being in a state of confusion. As often said in old stories, demons take materials from the human mind and create seemingly real stories to tempt them. I suspect that the demon is using images from that time to fabricate memories that never existed. This is likely the work of a demon.

Until just before this, my mind was still closed, and in a state where my mind was not open, it was more like a simple energetic imbalance rather than a state of confusion. It was just an imbalance, not a state of confusion. At that time, the energy channel from Ajna to Sushumna was not yet open, and after that, when the energy channel extended from Ajna to Sushumna, reaching Vishuddha and Anahata, emotional and astral aspects became activated, and I think that's when I started experiencing the state of confusion.

First, it seems that the energy of Sushumna is making me more sensitive to emotions. Since emotions belong to the astral realm, the energy that has newly connected and activated from Ajna to Anahata this time seems to be strong in the astral aspect. As a result, when listening to songs, for example, the emotions are conveyed very clearly. For example, a video of Namie Amuro that I happened to see was completely different in terms of emotion, and I was clearly moved. It seems that opening Sushumna enhances emotional sensitivity. If I had been able to feel emotions to this extent when I was young, I might have become a fan of Namie Amuro.

If it had been just that I became more sensitive to emotions, that would have been fine. However, the astral realm is inhabited by various beings, and until now, I have been in a state of being quite sealed off, so I could not perceive the astral realm. At the same time, this seal acted as a defense, making me less susceptible to the influence of the astral realm. However, when energy began to fill Sushumna and activated from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat, and then to Anahata, especially in Anahata, I became more sensitive to emotions.

In my case, the activation of Anahata was around the fourth stage. The first stage is the normal physical Kundalini, the second stage is the consciousness of creation, destruction, and maintenance, the third stage is the Purusha (divine spirit) that entered from Sahasrara, and this time, as the fourth time, the energy flowed from Ajna to Vishuddha in the throat and reached Anahata, resulting in the emotional activation of Anahata.

Generally, it is said that Kundalini is activated from the part closest to the physical body. However, in this case, it seems that the astral aspects that were not sufficiently activated were re-activated. It might also be said that the Purusha (divine spirit) called forth the astral aspects. There were no emotions when the Purusha entered, but after that, during the process of the Purusha redeveloping the body and reconfiguring it by activating various parts such as Ajna, it is likely that the astral and emotional aspects were not well activated until then, and that the Purusha intentionally remodeled the body to make it more sensitive to the astral aspects.

And, I think that perhaps, opening the astral senses has led to this situation. If so, it might have been inevitable.

For the past three days, memories from the past have resurfaced, where the basic facts of the events match reality, but the emotional aspects don't align, putting me in a state of mind similar to adolescence, making me more prone to tears. I was wondering what I was doing at this age and was puzzled by my own mental fragility. I suspect that if I fail to overcome this, I might be overwhelmed by emotional flashbacks that are not real, and end up "restarting reality." It's as if I'm being taken back to the "state of that time," my consciousness is at that point, and I'm forced to relive the same mental distress I experienced decades ago. After being taught this, I thought, "No, I don't want to do that," and after enduring that hell for several days, my heart eventually settled, I woke up, and I thought, "It would be much easier to overcome this hell than to go through such a difficult experience." This is a kind of rite of passage, and if I fail to pass it, it's as if the wish "I did something bad to that person. I want to redo it. I want to apologize. I want to have a good relationship this time" becomes fixed, and time is rewound, and I have to relive that painful period of mental distress in a different timeline. I seem to remember reading a similar story in Elizabeth Hand's "Initiation."

This is like a curse, where demons fulfill the wishes of those who cannot accept reality and want to redo it. Whether it's a demon or an angel, it's hard to tell just by its role, and it might just be a manager of such situations, but in some schools of thought, it's said that a demonic entity obstructs the path and aims to make people redo their lives. This is a hell.

To overcome this hell, I meditated and repeatedly focused on Ajna and Sahasrara, ignoring the sentimental emotions similar to adolescence. When Ajna and Sahasrara are not open, emotions well up in Anahata, and the sweet, painful, and unrequited love of adolescence (at this age) flashes back as memories from decades ago.

Sometimes, these emotions aren't bad, and I enjoyed them for a few days, but since the person in the vision is not someone I have that kind of relationship with, it's just a delusion, and I think it's time for the demon to leave.

When the Ajna chakra is activated and the Sahasrara chakra is somewhat open, these feelings created by demons, which are like flashbacks, suddenly clear up and become peaceful. Although my Ajna and Sahasrara chakras are still unstable, I have overcome about 80% of the influence, and I think I have overcome the worst of it. Sometimes, these nostalgic feelings from adolescence are good, but I didn't expect to have such feelings again now, which is a little interesting. However, it is useless to keep reminiscing, and I must confirm that this is not reality, and then overcome the hellish realm of flashbacks.

It is said that Buddha was tempted by a beautiful woman in the hellish realm, but in my case, a girl who I was not very close to at the time is portrayed as extremely attractive, and the setting is like Romeo and Juliet or a love affair between people of different social classes. Indeed, she was a university student at T University, and I was a student at a regular university, so it is true that we were of different social classes, and I was indeed a little hesitant about her at the time. However, I think that portraying it as Romeo and Juliet is excessive as a setting. Even if demons create and make scenarios in the hellish realm, I think there might have been more plausible ways to create a scenario. The emotional temptation is very real, and the performance and "redemption" are also incorporated. It is like the demon is saying, "In order to atone, you should have approached her more actively and made her happy. Look, because you didn't take good care of her, she has failed in love ever since, and she is still single and depressed." I almost got caught up in it, but then I came to my senses and thought, "No, I don't know what she is doing now..." In fact, I had almost completely forgotten about it for decades. Also, there was a question in my emotions, "Wait, was it like that?" "Wait, we weren't in that kind of relationship, were we? What is this? In the first place, there was almost no feeling of heartbreak. It was just that we didn't match. We did get along sometimes, but we were never in a romantic relationship. The reason I was tired at that time was not because of this, but because I had a mental problem." When I thought about it calmly, it was quite funny. However, demons have power, so they repeatedly perform the "tragedy of two people" and try to persuade me, saying, "You must save that girl," creating an emotional vortex and making me feel that way. However, I think, "I don't know what she is doing now..." "Even if you tell me this now, I don't know where she is or what she is doing." However, the demon insists and says, "No, you might meet her by chance. I will make you meet her." Then, it shows me a picture of her, and says, "Look, this girl who lives with her parents in a detached house is going on a date with a lot of enthusiasm, but she is hardly invited on a second date, and she is feeling dejected." Is that true? Isn't it just a fabricated image? The actual girl is probably very well and has probably completely forgotten about me. It is normal for women not to remember a man they have only met a few times. This is more like a third-rate screenwriter than a demon. Even back then, but in today's situation where a wide variety of dramas are released, this kind of thing won't work. It's a shame for the demon. Everything is too ridiculous. There are men who can't forget a woman forever, but sometimes daytime dramas are good, but the scenario is disappointing.

A while ago, during yoga meditation, my mind became clear, and I felt that my mental activity was activated, and my thinking ability improved slightly. Therefore, I thought that students at T University probably had such mental acuity from the beginning, or even better. Around that time, old memories resurfaced, and it might have been used as "material" to create this illusion. In any case, this feeling is old energy, and it's not something that can be used for the future. I think she is now a lovely, ordinary middle-aged woman living somewhere I don't know. It's an over-idealized image. I might not even be able to recognize her if I met her now, and there's no need to meet her. She probably doesn't remember anything about me. So, it's pointless to dwell on it now. It was simply material for my thoughts. I think it's appropriate to think that way.

Sometimes, I remember past heartbreaks, but in this case, it wasn't even a real heartbreak at the time; rather, I was the one who cooled off first, and I apologize to the other person. Also, the content I was shown in the video is a completely different story. It's just a performance. I tend to lose interest in relationships easily. I'm truly sorry to the people I've hurt. It's okay to maintain a friendly relationship as friends, but this flashback is based on a premise that is different from reality. (Ah, but based on something I just remembered, there's another understanding... This will be continued in a later story.)

For a few days, I felt like my heart was broken, but after calming down and meditating properly, my heart was restored.

It's often said in spiritual teachings and even in novel stories that a doppelganger created from one's own psyche can tempt and mislead oneself. I've experienced similar things before, but I was shown a very elaborate performance this time.

Also, I'm naturally open to auras, and I'm susceptible to spiritual influence, picking up the romantic feelings of those around me and mistaking them for my own. So, I think this kind of thing is probably just my imagination. I pick up other people's feelings of jealousy and heartbreak, and I unintentionally get hurt, happy, or feel like I'm in love, even though it's not related to me. Now that my astral senses have reopened, I feel like I'm back to the state I was in before. This time, I feel the need to judge things properly, not unconsciously picking up everything like before.

Regarding the "majing" (liminal space), there are explanations in books such as "Leap to Superconsciousness" by Hiroyama Honzan, where it is explained as a partial unification with the astral dimension. I think that, for me, I can only reach the astral dimension. Although the Purusha (divine spirit) enters from the unconscious level, I interpret that what can be recognized with the conscious mind is only the astral dimension. Therefore, if we consider it normally, my stage is mainly the astral dimension. I think that everyone has the astral dimension, as well as the karana and Purusha, but there is a difference in which one is the main one that is operating.

According to Hiroyama Honzan's explanation, in the case of the "majing," a partial astral unification is achieved, so what is seen is unified with reality. It is said that, although it is not exactly the same in terms of objects or appearance, it is unified in meaning. I agree with this point. Indeed, when I had an out-of-body experience as a child and saw the future of this girl (at that time), she was indeed bad at romance and didn't get along with men because she said things too clearly. Because she was quick-witted, she spoke quickly, so she was not seen as a romantic interest by men who were seeking healing. If she had made a little effort to speak slowly or use vague expressions instead of being direct, it would have been better. However, she thought she was being vague, but her vagueness itself was spoken clearly and quickly, so it didn't come across as vague. She didn't realize that she was quick-witted, so she was bad at romance in an interesting situation, and she was not invited on dates several times, and she struggled with romance for many years. Well, I don't know if that's really what happened, but I remembered this and thought, "That's the same thing the demon said..." So, I think there is a high possibility that this girl's future will be like that. The other two short T university students who were at the same dinner party seemed to find a stable man and get married when they were in their third or fourth year. However, the tragic heroine in this lunchtime drama-like story seems to be the one who cannot get married. In reality, it is best to be able to confirm the content of out-of-body experiences or what the demons said by comparing it with the real world. Even with this level of information, the matching rate is usually low, at best 30% or 50%, and at most 10% is a good result, and sometimes it doesn't match at all. That kind of matching rate is normal. Therefore, just because I have these memories or images from the demons, I don't take them too seriously. It takes seeing things from many different angles before I start to think that it might be true.

Recently, mainly the astral body part has been activated along the Sushumna channel. Until now, I probably had a weak astral body, and based on what I could feel and sense from the consciousness that the Purusha (divine spirit) entered the Anahata chakra recently, "This body is sufficient for normally working and ending life, but it lacks the ability to fulfill a new role. It needs to be modified." Therefore, it seems that the Purusha is intentionally and relatively forcefully and quickly activating the parts that are lacking, such as the astral body's Sushumna channel, and this is causing the "hellish" symptoms as a reaction.

It seems that my body was below average, and I wasn't even using my brain properly. I also had a mumbled way of speaking, and I have the aftereffects of diabetes, so I was in a very poor condition. It seems that the Purusha was also hesitant about whether to start over from the beginning before entering my body, but after various considerations, it decided that it could still be used, so it entered through the Sahasrara chakra and is forcibly modifying the body.

The "hellish" state is just what my conscious mind is perceiving. The Purusha (divine spirit) inside my chest is not paying attention to it, and it seems to be enjoying a melancholic feeling like adolescence in the Anahata chakra, intending to activate the emotional aspect. Even if it's called a "hellish" state, it's a "hellish" state because you get trapped in it, but the fact that it becomes richer in emotions itself is a good thing. It's not that it's getting better, but rather it's recovering to a normal state, but even so, it's a better state than before.

If adolescence is experienced and grown properly, emotions will become richer. I have that feeling. It's a bit late for that.

Because my heart felt broken, my relationships didn't go well, and I became mentally unstable. Now, my heart is mostly repaired, and I don't feel pain or a sense of brokenness when I remember these things, so I think it's almost overcome.

In a relatively common pattern, the astral body is activated after the physical body, so adolescence leads to a richer emotional life. I suppressed my emotions during adolescence, so my emotional development was delayed, and it's probably because I lived a life of suppressing emotions due to abuse from childhood. Next, I used to enter a semi-trance state when creating things on a computer, so I prioritized the logical aspect (causal, Karana) over the emotional aspect, which may be a factor.

In any case, here, the astral emotional aspects that were lacking have been activated, and I feel that I have finally become like a normal person in terms of emotions.

Regardless of what is said, if we consider the purpose of my birth, which is to understand the conflicts and negative aspects of this world, it seems that it was easier to achieve that purpose when my heart was broken. So, in a way, it was a perfect life. Now that I have achieved that purpose, it is no longer a problem to repair my heart and emotions. I finally feel like I am gradually returning to the person I was before I was born. The difference is so great that I could say that I was "not even alive" until now.

It seems that higher (invisible) guides have told me to sublimate unhealthy emotions into what they call "complete emotions." Apparently, as a subject for this, I imagined and recreated the strange fate of Romeo and Juliet, like a devil's temptation, based on situations that were impossible and memories that were not actually real, and experienced them in my imagination.

Through this week of torment, I feel that I have received a hint on how to deal with emotions in that way.

In the world of theater, it seems that the topic of whether to immerse oneself in a role or simply act a typical role comes up, and in Japan, the immersive approach has long been the mainstream and what has been taught, but there seems to be a notion that the typical approach is correct. In my case, it's not about theater, but this kind of thinking in theater is insightful for understanding the mind. I think that what is called "immersion" here is not a state of forgetting oneself, but rather a state of complete immersion in emotions with awareness, which might be what constitutes a complete emotion. This means that for an actor, it's both, and (in the real world, emotions are not intentionally triggered, but happen spontaneously, so the typical approach is irrelevant), there is a difference between immersing oneself in the emotion and forgetting oneself, and experiencing the emotion completely while observing and understanding it without being consumed by it.

Until this stage, I thought that a complete emotion was impossible, and that even when expressing emotions, I was often swayed by them and experiencing incomplete emotions. Therefore, I had been trying to achieve a higher state by meditating and maintaining stillness or becoming empty-minded. However, it seems that such stillness and emptiness are, after all, just one element for achieving this "complete emotion."

And I think that my guide intentionally orchestrated a Romeo and Juliet story that was so unrealistic and different from past reality in order to help me understand "complete emotion."

If that's the case, what we should do now is to embody complete emotion in various emotions. Becoming empty-minded is a foundation, stillness is a foundation, and that foundation can be cultivated through meditation. The next step seems to be to embody complete emotion on top of that foundation.

This time, because it was a story that was different from reality, it was easier to notice. However, from now on, it seems that the subject matter will be events from the past in reality, so the difficulty may increase. I will probably have to recall many past incomplete emotions, including events that were once traumatic, and recreate those old energies. Since those were incomplete emotions, I think that by elevating them to complete emotions with my current awareness, they will be resolved.

Past traumatic events are reproduced within the heart as "broken emotions," and eventually, these broken emotions are sublimated into complete emotions. To achieve this, meditation is practiced to replace old energies one by one with complete ones.

When it comes to trauma and conflict, I used to think that the primary goal was to resolve or eliminate them. There was a sense that because there was a state of trauma, we needed to eliminate it, or because there was a conflict, we needed to eliminate it. At the same time, the intention was also to heal, but the methods for repairing the damaged parts were time-consuming, and most of them seemed to involve "separating" from something. Consequently, relationships often ended up being linked to the act of "leaving."

However, recently, I've been thinking that trauma and conflict in the astral realm are not something to be eliminated, but rather, they are incomplete emotions that need to be restored to a complete state. Incomplete emotions are like a crystal ball with something missing. And the goal is to restore that broken crystal ball to a complete one.

Even before, I now realize that the basic intention of meditation, which is to focus and aim for stillness (from a state of mental clutter), was essentially the same thing. This becomes clear if you pay attention to the movements of the mind. However, if you look at the same phenomenon as energy, the problem of emotional issues is resolved by restoring the state of a broken, incomplete aura to a complete, circular, and unbroken aura.

Being in a state of complete emotion doesn't mean "becoming" the emotion itself, but rather, it's a state where you fully experience the emotion without being consumed by it, savoring the emotion completely while also maintaining harmony. That's what I think of as a state of complete emotion.

In meditation, we often aim for stillness or eliminating mental clutter, and I think that's a valid goal as a starting point. However, if you achieve stillness and eliminate emotions, becoming a blank slate, that's only a temporary state. People who study Vipassana meditation or Vedanta often say, "If you eliminate the mind, what's the point?" And that's a valid question, especially at this stage. First, there needs to be a foundation of stillness and a blank mind, and then there needs to be a proper understanding of the movements of the mind.

Recently, emotional aspects of the astral realm have been surfacing, and it initially seemed like a chaotic situation or a regression in progress. However, it seems that I have only now reached a stage where I can properly and completely handle astral matters. It seems that it is impossible to effectively manage astral emotions unless one has reached a higher level, perhaps the next stage of Karana (Causal). It seems that unless Purusha is sufficiently dominant, one cannot effectively deal with astral issues.

However, perhaps this is a common and obvious thing for many people, especially for healthy women, and they might think, "Why are you talking about this now?" It seems that the variety of emotions that women learn from a young age, during puberty, is not necessarily common for many men, and that is why there is a significant gap in understanding between women's sensibilities and emotions and men's perceptions.

This is just the first step, and it is not at all a superior or remarkable achievement. It feels like I have only just begun to learn something that women naturally learn.

After much meditation, I have arrived at a rather ordinary conclusion.

Therefore, I feel that I have experienced my life so far with a certain amount of regret. There were many times when different results could have been achieved if I had experienced each experience with complete emotions. It is too late to lament now, but I want to strive to achieve complete emotions as much as possible in the future, and I feel the need to awaken and transform old energies that are dormant in the past through meditation.

Recently, some mental blocks have been released through meditation, but simply having a slightly faster mind or a slightly better articulation is not enough. In addition to that, I believe that becoming a complete human being requires transforming emotional aspects into "complete emotions." It seems that meditation ultimately leads to this.

People who are meditating may feel stuck because they are seeking something spiritual beyond the realm of stillness or contemplation, which leads them to misinterpret the situation and feel like they are in a chaotic state. In reality, reality is made up of multiple dimensions, with higher and lower levels, and the goal is to strive for completeness in a trinity of physical, astral emotions, and logic. This is the path of morality and a life of love, as spoken by Mahayana Buddhism and Christ, and it is somewhat different from the esoteric stories of transcending to a special and different world or state.

Sometimes, you might get lost and feel that there is something transcendent beyond the silence, or that there is another world. However, it's not the case; ultimately, we live in this world, and the goal is the Trinity. Once you understand that, what seems like a difficult place might not be so difficult; it's just an incomplete emotion. I think that if you aim for a complete Trinity, including the difficult places, you will be fine.

When incomplete emotions arise, sublimate them into complete emotions through meditation or prayer. That's all there is to it. It's like repairing a broken crystal ball to a complete crystal ball. The energetic transformation becomes the repair of emotions, and broken, incomplete emotions transform and sublimate into complete emotions.

The foundation of this is concentration and stillness, and by passing energy through the Sushumna along the spine, from the Ajna to the Vishuddha and then to the Anahata, astral emotions are activated, allowing you to handle emotions correctly, whether they are incomplete or complete. This complete emotion is not something different from ordinary emotions; it's about fully experiencing all emotions, such as joy, anger, sadness, and pleasure. How completely you can experience emotions varies from person to person, and the depth varies depending on the situation and the person.

When you engage in spiritual practices, you sometimes tend to view astral emotions as inferior and consider things like the Karana (causal) or Purusha as superior, creating a hierarchical structure. However, in reality, it is oneness. In the Vedantic sense, everything is Ishvara and everything is Brahman, so there is no high or low. The feeling of high and low is simply because it is an incomplete emotion. Emotions themselves are simply movements of the mind brought about by sensory organs, and you should experience them as complete emotions.

Emotions become unpleasant or cause disharmony because they are broken. Complete emotions (whether they are joy, anger, sadness, or pleasure) are harmony and sublimation.

Incomplete emotions have good and bad aspects, but complete emotions have no good or bad, regardless of whether they are joy, anger, sadness, or pleasure. In reality, evil is simply incompleteness. Rather than eliminating evil, since evil is incomplete, if you repair it to a complete state, it becomes what is called good. This may be difficult to convey in words. It's not about the good or bad of actions, but about the fact that there is originally no good or bad in emotions. What is called evil in terms of emotions is simply incomplete emotions, so it's good to repair or replace them with complete emotions.

If we rephrase this, it means that incomplete emotions lack love, and that any complete emotion, whether it be joy, anger, sorrow, or pleasure, is essentially love.

I understood this through a story reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet, which was impossible. Although the story was of a third-rate quality as a drama, it deliberately left some unnatural points to make you think, and I think the structure was quite good for understanding this.

However, at that point, the story, which I thought was unrealistic and incoherent, later turned out to be interpretable and understandable in various ways.

Recently, I have been inexplicably shown an incomplete and fabricated story similar to Romeo and Juliet. I don't fully understand why, but it seems to be a type of energy called "impurity."

When I was inspired by this, I thought, "What? Impurity? What does that mean?" It's full of mysteries, and I don't understand it completely yet, but it seems to be something like the following:

・It's an old energy. It's not current energy. It's an energy that has been dormant in a certain place, transcending time and space.
・Of course, the current person is not emitting it. It's unrelated to the current person.

This type of impurity seems to be something that can be dealt with or not dealt with. According to the guide, "Well, what does that mean?" It seems to be the following:

・Since it's old energy, it's mostly something that can't be done anything about in reality. It's fine to leave it alone.
・If it can be specifically resolved in reality, it's okay to do so. There's no problem with that.
・If left alone, the energy will gradually lose its power and disappear over time. Don't put energy into it. The more you think about this, the more the energy increases. The impurity becomes stronger.
・Trying to influence this energy and change reality will not achieve anything. This is because this energy is already disconnected from the other party, so even if you try to influence it, it won't reach the other party. It will only reach the energy of impurity.
・Thought-form, mental form. In this case, it's just a simple impurity and a simple illusion created by repeated use of materials. However, if it develops into strong resentment, it can have a mental pattern that seems to be alive, and in such cases, it may behave as if it's giving simple answers. However, this rarely happens. Basically, these kinds of images are not real consciousness, but just repeating a certain pattern. They don't mean much.

So, there are various ways to deal with it, but in terms of simply defending against impurity, if you want to prevent the impurity from connecting to the manipura chakra, you should determine the "direction" and, at the same time as receiving it with the "palm" of your aura, grab and pluck it, and stop it in a place where it doesn't enter the manipura chakra.

In this case, I've occasionally felt this impurity connecting to the manipura chakra, and I was wondering what to do about it. However, it was coming in quite directly, so I "plucked" it a little away from my abdomen, and as a result, I was separated from the impurity, even though I still felt it. The defense is not yet complete, but it has been significantly separated.

Initially, I sensed a vague, undefined energy, and I didn't know its nature, but then I thought, "Could this be 'impurity'?"

The reason why such impurity arose is due to various causes, including the fact that my behavior was not good at that time and made that person feel uncomfortable. That's the direct cause, but afterward, perhaps that person didn't have much success in love, and the feelings of frustration may have increased the impurity, although that's just an inspiration, and I don't actually know what happened to that person, so I don't know if that's true. Either way, energetically, it's an old energy that was dormant, and it doesn't seem to have that much deep meaning in itself.

The fact that working on the energy doesn't change reality means that even if you deal with it seriously, it's useless, and you should just learn the lesson and apply it to the future. Although impurity doesn't necessarily need to be dealt with, by examining the energy and the story that arose from it, you can learn a lesson. In this case, it's a good opportunity to reflect on what problems my attitude and behavior caused and turn it into a lesson. There's nothing more to this impurity than that, and although the energy is still there, now that I've learned the lesson, it's fine to just leave it alone. Of course, it can be resolved in some way, but there's no problem in leaving it alone. If you resolve every such issue, it will never end, and even though I was the cause of some of it, it's not just my energy, and sometimes you encounter impurities that have nothing to do with you at all, so it will never end if you try to resolve them all. It's enough to learn the lesson and then defend against it and cut it off.

The same defensive method is also effective not only for impurity but also when someone extends their aura towards you and probes you. If you connect with the other person's aura of speculation, you may become connected to their impurity, so similarly, you should "hold" and "grasp" their aura with the palm of your hand, and "pluck" it off. By doing that, you won't connect with the other person's probing aura, and you can maintain your health.

The "light sphere" that entered my chest, which I called a "light sphere" when I was a child, was something I remembered.

I suddenly remembered this. I think that when I was born, in addition to the conscious awareness that I normally possessed, I was born with about three "light spheres" as an emergency measure to recover in times of need. I remembered that.

As I mentioned earlier, I had a difficult time with bullying and emotional abuse from those around me when I was a child, so I think I used up all three of them by the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school.

When I was mentally exhausted and felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown and go crazy, I used this "light sphere" just before that, and a rapid recovery of my mental state occurred, which saved me from a mental breakdown.

At that time, I didn't know what it was, and I simply recognized it as the three "light spheres" that I had when I was born.

And because I used them up in the upper grades of elementary school, I couldn't rely on them anymore, and in high school, I broke down mentally, and then I struggled with mental problems for decades.

Those who abuse try to break your spirit by trying to take your energy, so the "light sphere" is a target.

Even though it was targeted, the "light sphere" did help me at the time, so it was beneficial. However, I thought that the "light sphere" was something that you use up and that's the end of it. I didn't think that you could replenish it.

However, I think that the "light sphere" that has recently entered me is probably the same as the "light sphere" that I recognized when I was a child. And at that time, I thought that using the "light sphere" would replenish energy, but now that I think about it, that interpretation was a little different. It seems that the reality is that "when the 'light sphere' explodes and breaks, the aura temporarily increases and the mental state recovers, but the 'light sphere' is not being used, but is breaking. When it breaks, the aura spreads, and you are only temporarily feeling energetic."

However, I think that it can also be used in that way, although it may not be the original way to use the "light sphere."

If I were to give an example in a game or manga, it would be like using a crystal ball that you had been saving energy in, which would then be used up and, in some cases, the crystal ball would be physically broken. In that way, when something is used, it becomes unusable, or it may be something that you have to throw away as a tool. The effect is achieved, and the tool becomes a "broken" state.

In this way, when I was a child, I recognized it as a "ball of light," like a tool, but I think it was actually a "Purusha (divine spirit)." If that's the case, perhaps the truth is that the Purusha (divine spirit) sacrificed its own life and collapsed, preventing the collapse of my mind and spirit. In that case, the Purusha (divine spirit) "died" (as a metaphor), and it was like a substitute.

Since the Purusha (divine spirit) is a part of my soul, it basically doesn't disappear or vanish, but perhaps it couldn't stay with me and returned to the group soul, collapsed, and left me. Or, it couldn't stay in my heart and left my body, and at that time, it helped me as energy.

If that's the case, when I was a child, I thought the "ball of light" helped my mental state, and that's a correct description of the phenomenon, but the truth is that my mental state was saved because the Purusha (divine spirit) sacrificed itself and acted as a substitute.

I had three of these "balls of light" (＝Purusha, divine spirit) when I was born, and I used them all when I was a child, and after that, my mental state broke down, and I suffered for decades with a broken heart. But now, I've finally recovered one, or a new one has entered, and my mental state has improved. I don't know if it's the exact same Purusha that I used when I was a child, but it seems to be of the same quality.

Looking back, the state of having only one "ball of light" remaining is quite weak, and that's true of my current state. I still only have one Purusha (divine spirit), so I feel like I'm in an incomplete and unstable state.

・At birth: My own mental state + 3 balls of light
・Late elementary school: Only my own mental state (balls of light used up)
・High school years: My heart (mental state) broke (no balls of light left)
・After that: Broken heart (no Purusha, or it's a state where it's detached from the body. A state where I can't feel the Purusha in my body)
・Recently: My heart (my own mental state) + Purusha (entered from Sahasrara, probably equivalent to a ball of light)

In the first place, I've been in a state without a Purusha (ball of light) for decades, so I'm amazed that I've managed to survive in that state. A life without a Purusha (ball of light) is a dark one. If many people in the world are living without a Purusha (divine spirit), it's only natural that they lack love in their lives. They probably live a mechanical life.

When I recall my memories, there are three orbs of light, and whether it's sensitivity or sensation, they are distinct. Therefore, I think the current stage is still in a very unstable initial phase. At that time, I used two orbs of light, and only one remained, and I was already in a quite critical mental state, where the light was fading and the shadows were increasing. I think that probably corresponds to my current state.

What I need to be careful about is not becoming mentally unwell again and using (breaking) these orbs of light (＝Purusha). That's probably why I've been receiving the message, "Please cherish this Purusha (orb of light, divine spirit)," for a while now.

By remembering the "orb of light" from my childhood, it turns out that my understanding of it was different back then, and (it's still a hypothesis), but I think this new interpretation is probably correct.

Therefore, I need to avoid actions that will cause me to become mentally exhausted in the future, and I need to live with mental well-being as my top priority (more than ever before).

For a while, I was mistaken, and it seems that I was unconsciously treating Purusha in the same way as I did when I was a child, and I was relying on the orb of light (Purusha, divine spirit). So, in order to change that behavior, I think it was necessary to temporarily remove the orb of light (Purusha) and return it to its original state, so that I could learn not to rely on Purusha. Rather, the role of the body and mind is to protect Purusha. The body, as a vessel, is originally meant to protect Purusha (divine spirit, orb of light), and Purusha is smiling from deep within my chest, like a "Hina doll" or a "spirit," so relying on Purusha is a very important thing. Basically, you shouldn't rely on Purusha. Purusha is shining, and the body and mind are like shrines where I keep Purusha deep within my chest. I think that the recent stories that were too lenient were probably prepared scenarios to teach me these things.

According to the general understanding, there is only one Purusha, but perhaps I can have three or more orbs of light, and maybe I can have even more than three, although three seems like enough for now. In reality, I don't usually consciously think about the number, but...

It seems that there is still a long way to go before my mental state and Purusha (divine spirit) are strengthened to a certain extent.

Currently, I have one, but my body isn't keeping up, so I'm not using it at all. I'm currently working on restructuring my body, and I feel that I should wait until my body is more prepared to handle the others before moving on to the second one and beyond. Right now, I feel like I'm still in the preparation stage.

This change in state, sensation, and understanding mainly occurred during the week of Golden Week in 2023 and in the period immediately before and after it. During this time, my state of mind changed significantly, and I feel that I have come to better understand love. I revisited Izumo, a place I used to visit for sightseeing fairly regularly when I was young. This allowed me to re-experience my past state of mind and helped me to better understand the situation at that time.

Once upon a time, a young man from the countryside moved to the city. And then, when he was in his middle age, he suddenly remembered the nostalgic but painful events of the past, and re-experienced them as if they were happening in reality. He was repeatedly attacked by a sea of mixed emotions, such as conflict, love, and hatred, that he had experienced during his adolescence. And not only did he remember that time, but he also reinterpreted it with his current understanding, leading to a new understanding. This is not only about reinterpreting the impressions received (the duality between the other person and oneself), but also about utilizing the characteristics of telepathy to overlap with the other person's perspective (without duality) and understand what the other person was thinking and the situation at that time, literally through the other person's perspective (through a so-called oneness state). Based on this new understanding, he was able to reinterpret the past situation and arrive at a completely different understanding.

I feel like I'm doing something strange for someone my age, but (due to this change), my emotional body is reacting, and I feel joy and affection for everyone around me. In terms of expression, I had been feeling something like this for a while (more or less), but the recent change is that in addition to that, I am feeling emotions too strongly, and it feels like I am going through adolescence again. When I was young, especially in high school, I was often harassed, bullied, and subjected to persistent slander and insults, so my heart was broken for a long time. However, now I can choose my relationships, so I am basically in a safe environment. If I had been in a good relationship during adolescence, it would have been more enjoyable. However, I think it is probably possible to experience the same kind of enjoyment even when you are older. It feels a bit late, but. And I have finally been able to understand the struggles of my acquaintances to some extent. Especially during high school, I think it was more like my heart was broken and on the verge of collapse, barely holding on. And perhaps that was adolescence, but high school was a period of a broken heart, and now, while some of the sensitive aspects are the same, it is a period of adolescence where my heart is barely holding on.

Such recollections and reinterpretations naturally emerged in my mind.

It also has the aspect of being in a state of adolescence now, but in addition to that, there was also an aspect of old, suppressed energy being pushed down deep inside, and that energy is now surfacing and being processed. As memories and energy resurface, I feel a melancholic state of adolescence. I feel the need to resolve this old energy.

Recently, a derivative work similar to Romeo and Juliet that came from old memories is, in itself, almost entirely fabricated, but it seems that several scenarios are intertwined and mixed into an image, and each of the underlying materials is correct, but probably, among my acquaintances, especially women, there are sometimes people who have "a very sad, downcast expression" or "a slightly angry expression, but they are holding it back, and yet, they are sad," and at that time, I didn't understand those people, and I wondered, "Why are they so sad? Why are so many emotions mixed together?" I couldn't understand the emotions of those women.

Well, of course, if there were specific interactions and they were sad, I could understand it to some extent, but I didn't feel it so strongly, and I just thought, "Maybe so." On the other hand, there were people who were sad, but I didn't think they were sad about their own things, but perhaps they were actually heartbroken and sad about my feelings, and now that I think about it, that might have been the case. (From the perspective of others, this might seem like an overreaction.)

Now, while processing this old energy, I seem to be able to understand, albeit belatedly, that the emotions these women were experiencing were like this, by experiencing, one by one (mostly fabricated, but) a certain story.

When someone is in love but is not reciprocated, they make that kind of "sad expression." It's easy to understand in dramas, but in the real world, there are times when it's obvious, and times when it's subtle and difficult to understand. A little bit of a relationship develops, and the other person wants it to develop into a romance, but I'm not interested and treat them as a friend, so the feelings of that (opposite-sex) friend are, "Huh? Aren't we going to be a couple? I've already fallen in love. What are you going to do with these feelings? Take responsibility. What am I supposed to do with these feelings?" And that mixed emotion of "sadness, a little anger, and the self-restraint to suppress that anger" is expressed in that facial expression. I think it's a kind of anger, but I think it's better to use a different word than anger; perhaps "resentment" is more appropriate. There were pitiful girls around me who had platonic love broken, and there was no physical relationship. Is this an overreaction?

I try to be careful not to cause misunderstandings, but I can't control the other person's feelings of love, and it's unavoidable. I have a tendency to fall in love easily, so my gaze and expressions sometimes react, and women are sensitive to those signs and react to them with feelings of love. However, for me, it's just a normal reaction to women, and I'm often surprised by the number of unconscious reactions I have, and I think, "I've done it again." I can't have a relationship with everyone. So, I try to keep my distance from women who seem to be misunderstanding things, but that in itself makes those girls sad. I'm really sorry.

It's only now that I realize that some of those girls didn't actually like me, but were just being kind. On the other hand, some of the girls I didn't pay much attention to (judging from their expressions and feelings) might have liked me. There's a point to understanding this now, but it might have been better to have understood it earlier.

The story I've been shown recently doesn't really have much meaning. If there is any meaning, it's something like, "At that time, my heart was broken, and my emotional state was immature, so it was difficult for me to enter a romantic mode. So, it was unavoidable that I didn't develop a romantic relationship with that girl. At that time, as I wrote before, I could only feel love from S-type women who abused me due to my childhood experiences, and I didn't know how to interact with normal, good girls. I took terrible actions." This is a lesson from the past, and it's a personal story that is already over. My emotional state at that time was like that, so I couldn't enter a romantic mode, and therefore, it was "unavoidable." So, this story is over. Rather, the recent creative stories seem to be more like "materials" for understanding various situations. As I analyzed before, although the individual elements may be correct, the overall consistency is lacking, and it doesn't match reality. So, it seems that the purpose is not to deal with reality, but to understand the people around me during adolescence and youth.

After understanding the content of the story, when I look at reality again, it seems that I can narrow down the people among my former (opposite-sex) acquaintances who are truly "good people." I wish I had realized this earlier, but truly good people are not noticeable, yet they are actually quite good. If I had known this from the beginning, my perspective on women would have been different. I think there were many good people all around.

When I was young, I thought I had a good eye for women, but it turns out that was not the case. When I was young, I was looking for everything: appearance, personality, and so on, so it was hard to choose a partner. But now I think it would have been better to prioritize personality. Of course, it's best to have both good looks and a good personality, but appearance is also an individual characteristic, so prioritizing personality is fine.

An old, adolescent energy has been rising up, and I wondered what it was for a while, and I thought it might not be that important, and I wanted to get rid of that old energy as soon as possible. But actually, there was quite important knowledge within that feeling, and it seems that it was not a waste after all. The saying "there is nothing wasted" may be true.

The unstable adolescent emotions that have been rising up recently probably appeared not because I wanted to experience them again, but because they were rising up to understand the energy of that time. Now that I have finished learning that, that energy has somehow subsided and calmed down. However, it seems that my emotional body has been developing recently, so I think it is in a state where it is easier to fall in love (even though I am old).

This sadness and subtle anger may seem like jealousy or possessiveness, but it is different. I used to think it was possessiveness, but it is not. Sadness arises from a feeling of being pulled away, regardless of whether there are other people. And when the feeling of helplessness bursts out, and in the end, love does not come true, and only the bitterness of love remains, a slight anger and a slight rage appear, and I sometimes unintentionally lash out at the other person. When I lash out at the other person, I feel a sense of disillusionment with myself for hurting the person I love, and I feel that the other person will surely misunderstand me and think of me as a terrible person, and at the same time that the love is broken, I feel a sad feeling that I cannot appear in front of that person again, and I experience a heartbreak. So, I think there is sadness and subtle anger from love. I think I didn't understand this enough, and at the time, the girls around me wondered why I sometimes became hysterical, but it seems that I didn't understand love at all.

On the other hand, I think there is another form of affection. It is the feeling of "wanting to understand, wanting to be understood," which can bring about feelings similar to love, but perhaps weaker. This can also lead to feelings of sadness and resentment due to a sense of alienation. Alternatively, in a relationship where there is a sense of opposition, there may be a desire to be recognized, which can be mistaken for love, leading to similar feelings of sadness and resentment.

This is likely a difference in stages.

Initially, even if there is a sense of opposition, eventually, the feelings of wanting to know, wanting to understand, and wanting to be understood emerge, which is the basic form of love, and from there, a relationship of trust is built. It can also start from a certain level of trust.

When I was young, I didn't understand love, but now I think that love and romance are not something that happens suddenly like a "love at first sight," but rather something that is cultivated. "Love at first sight" may be triggered by the stimulation of similar faces or related energies from the past, rather than a genuine connection with the person. Therefore, even if someone thinks they are experiencing "love at first sight," if that old energy fades, the feelings of love will disappear.

On the other hand, even if it is not immediately clear, if the person is sincere, the relationship can be cultivated, and that can lead to love.

Falling in love is a state of self-other identity, where both you and the other person become confused, and that is what makes it love. This is similar to a state achieved through meditation, but it may actually be easier to fall in love than to master meditation. In meditation, we talk about "love," but essentially, it is love.

Now, I think that many of the women around me understood my situation better than I did at the time. I was so focused on myself that I didn't have time for romance. Perhaps they knew that it wasn't the right time, and that's why they were sad about me and didn't get too close. Many women are naturally psychic, and while some of them can see everything and know that their feelings of love will not be reciprocated, leading to sadness, others are not as perceptive and may have had partial feelings of affection. However, those who are less perceptive are still relatively ordinary people, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, there are many more women who are more perceptive, and I believe that there were others who understood me even better than I understood myself, and those are the people I should have been with.

The feeling of deepening meditation, where I started to feel a sense of connection with everyone around me, and the recent realization that I was experiencing something akin to adolescence, suggest that meditation and love are essentially the same in terms of "self and other unity." Therefore, it's natural to feel a love-like emotion towards others (even if they are strangers).

Even if there is no special relationship, or even if it's just a brief conversation with someone you've just met, if either person reaches this state, they can instantly fall into a platonic love-like state. This platonic love is fleeting, lasting only a few moments, but it can still bring vitality to life. The moments of love-like emotion are sweet, and the subsequent separation, however brief, is also bittersweet and stirs the heart. Such short, platonic relationships are free from ulterior motives and self-interest, and can be purely about love. I believe that even if we don't recognize it as love, simply being able to connect with a good person can make the world a more fulfilling place.

This experience has brought not only regret, but also various understandings, insights, and emotions. It has given me a different understanding of love and affection.

When this understanding arises, the Romeo and Juliet-esque emotional stories that have recently stirred and confused my emotions suddenly recede into the background. By correctly understanding emotions, they become more complete. The way we handle and understand each emotion is often a misunderstanding or a lack of understanding. While purification or exorcism might help, I feel that understanding has brought me a little closer to complete emotions and understanding.

Through this, I've come to understand what a truly good person is. However, I've also deepened my understanding of the opposite, and while this is a secondary understanding, I've become better at identifying people with unpleasant personalities, or those with the potential to become "innocent-looking bitches." When I entered high school, there was a classmate who was in the student council in the first year. She was well-mannered and had a beautiful face, and I was quite infatuated with her at the time. However, a few months after entering high school, her appearance suddenly changed. While her face still looked honest, she suddenly started to have a faint smile, and she started hanging out with other girls who looked like delinquents. Furthermore, around that time, her eyes clearly changed. What used to look like a "haze" in her eyes disappeared, and her eyes became more open, and her gaze seemed to be floating. Now, I think that at that time, she had lost her virginity and was becoming an "innocent-looking bitch." I was disillusioned with her at that point and no longer liked her.

Also, there was a girl I had liked since junior high school, and I think she was probably a virgin during junior high school, but I have a feeling that she probably became a "cute bitch" afterward. There's a rumor that she started sleeping with people soon after moving to Tokyo... That's sad in a way, but the fact that I couldn't see through her means I lacked discernment. Recently, I've become quite good at identifying people like that, and as a man, my illusions about women are fading, which is somewhat sad, but I think it's better than getting caught by a "weird woman," especially a "cute bitch." I really didn't have a good eye for women until now. I thought I did, but I was wrong. Just because I can now distinguish "cute bitches" doesn't necessarily mean that's the correct way to see things, but I've somehow become able to tell. This seems to filter out people who might be untrustworthy, and brings to the surface women who are more likely to be trustworthy. What I can judge is not whether they are actually "cute bitches" at that moment, but whether they have the potential to become one, so there are many cases where they don't become that depending on the environment and their will.

Now that I think about it, even the situations where I was sad because girls didn't pay attention to me, some of those situations weren't even worth being sad about. For example, that "cute bitch" who suddenly glared at me with an irritated look when I showed her affection was someone who wasn't even worth my sadness. When that old energy from the past suddenly flashed back, I wondered what it was, but then the answer came to me: what that "cute bitch" thought of me at that time is now coming to me. I understand her perspective, her thoughts, and the scenery from her point of view, and as a result, I clearly understand that I didn't need to be sad. She was simply aware of how cute she was and was looking for a rich "ATM husband." Therefore, whether or not she liked me was not very important, and her response (looking down at me) "Huh, what are you going to do with me?" showed that she was thinking about "what she could get" from being with a man. In other words, her purpose was to get a "practical ATM," so from her point of view, I was nothing more than a "minnow," and no matter what she said to me, I didn't have any value to be sad about.

Furthermore, a certain flirtatious woman ridiculed men (while laughing) and said, "Men are so troublesome," and she said such things directly to me in front of me. I felt that this woman was reckless and looked down on men. However, I later heard that she became pregnant and married, but not long after her child was born, her infidelity was discovered, and she divorced. I speculate that she probably thought, "Men are stupid, so it's okay to cheat," or "Men won't find out," or that she was overconfident, thinking that even if she cheated, she wouldn't get divorced. Based on her previous remarks, that is a reasonable assumption. She was abandoned by her husband, who was a very good company employee, so I wonder what that "innocent-looking bitch" will do from now on. I didn't understand what kind of person she was at the time, but now, looking back, she is the epitome of an "innocent-looking bitch," and I don't trust her as a woman or as a person. It seems that a considerable proportion of the people I had some degree of affection for had "innocent-looking bitches" among them.

I'm glad I didn't get caught by an "innocent-looking bitch," as there were many dangerous situations. From the beginning, they are after money, so either they will continue to use you as an ATM, or the pattern will be divorce and division of property or child support. If they are cute, friendly, or good at pleasing men, that is a talent, so that's why men are drawn to "innocent-looking bitches." There are some men who boast about having "innocent-looking bitches," but I think they have no taste. Well, that's life, so they can do whatever they want. Personally, I think it's best to avoid "innocent-looking bitches" from the beginning, but this is just my personal opinion, and it is not a recommendation to anyone. Many "innocent-looking bitches" impose financial demands on men, such as "I'll be okay if you do this for me forever," and the men agree to it. I think such men are reaping what they sow. I think, "How can you make such a reckless promise?" However, people like me who are cautious would naturally not be noticed, and would be treated as an obstacle or a nuisance. By the way, I remember that previously, even though I could hear the conversation, some women were talking about me and saying, "She doesn't seem to have any money." "Innocent-looking bitches" are really crazy. The fact that they have such conversations without caring whether or not I can hear them means that I am completely being looked down upon, and they probably think that a man like me is insignificant, so it doesn't matter. I think it's better to have a normal and trustworthy person as a partner than an "innocent-looking bitch" who appears to be perfect.

Such an understanding, and recently, it has become easier to understand because people are quite telepathic, and it helps to understand the true meaning of what that person said, which was a long-standing mystery. By becoming telepathic and understanding the feelings of that person, and listening to their inner voice from their perspective, you can understand the true feelings of the other person. As a result, for example, as mentioned earlier, you may hear trivial things that you didn't need to lament about, and you may find out that you were troubled by a pure and innocent-looking "bimbo" who is not worth even being disillusioned about. This doesn't give you an immediate answer, but if you pose a question, the guide will investigate and eventually tell you the answer. There is no way to confirm it, and the other person would not admit such embarrassing things, so there are many possibilities that it is wrong because it cannot be verified. However, it is consistent as a hypothesis, so I think it is probably like that. What I originally didn't imagine was true, and it is different from my own imagination. If I were to imagine, I would combine my own image and desires, but this telepathy allows you to understand the feelings and inner voice of the other person from their perspective, which is different from my own desires and images. What you understand through telepathy is the "perspective" of the "other person," so it is quite reliable. It is simply a state of "seeing" or "recognizing," and there is no "imagination" involved. Sometimes, it can be quite different from what you thought you understood, and it can be shocking. In everyday life, you feel and interpret the other person's thoughts as the "receiver," but in a telepathic state, you can understand what the other person thought, how they felt, and their inner thoughts as if your mind overlaps with theirs for that moment, which is very different from the "perspective of the receiver" without that.

When you look at it this way, the common sense that has been said in spiritual terms, such as "accept your trauma," is quite a lie. From a telepathic perspective, trauma is "unjustified slanderous thoughts from the other person," so it is better not to accept such things. This kind of "accept your trauma" is from the perspective of the energy vampire, the winning side, and it is a statement that says, "You are the energy-giving supply side, so be quiet," but it is not said directly, but rather said vaguely and in a seemingly spiritual way.

On the other hand, I don't think I have a bad trauma of my own, but rather, I think I have more trauma that has been implanted by others. Well, this varies from person to person, and people who don't behave well don't feel trauma about their own actions. So, I think trauma is often something that is implanted by others. There are legitimate thoughts from others, and while it is necessary to correct them, I think it depends on who you associate with, but in my younger years, I think I was often subjected to unreasonable, illogical, and selfish anger and curses from others, and I received them without any defense.

The reason I felt trauma about "pure-type bitches" is because they would smile on the surface, but in their hearts, or sometimes through direct words or expressions, they would send me feelings of rejection and slander, and their behavior was such. Therefore, I was traumatized by the feelings that "pure-type bitches" sent, and I was a victim, so I didn't need to think that I was at fault. This time, I finally (since childhood) returned to a telepathic state, and I can clearly recognize what the other person was thinking about me (from the other person's perspective, from the perspective of the sender). It's not in real time, but once that perspective comes down and I understand it, I realize that in most cases, I didn't need to be traumatized. I didn't need to be traumatized by those "pure-type bitches" (multiple people, a large number of them), and it wasn't worth it. I was often attracted to "pure-type bitches" when I was young, and I think I wasted my life.

There were several good people among the people I ignored, but if you don't have good judgment, this is what happens. I was agonizing over things that were pointless and didn't need to be worried about, and because I was wasting my time worrying about them, I couldn't take action when I should have, and I feel sorry for the girls (because I couldn't act properly).

If I had understood this in junior high, high school, or college, my life would have been quite different, but well, there's nothing we can do about it. Life is like that.

For example, the girl from T University who I met at a mixer in my first year of university. At the time, I thought, "I don't understand this girl. Her face isn't really my type. We don't seem to get along. There are too many misunderstandings." But now, I realize that she was a serious and good girl. Also, the quiet girl who was my classmate in high school. I was just friends with her, and I didn't have any romantic feelings for her, but I realize that she was a good girl.

A girl I met at a group date, either in college or after becoming a working adult, said something like, "When I listen to certain songs, I cry," and I brushed it off at the time. But it turns out that was a sign that her heart was open, and she was a very good person, but I didn't realize it back then.

On the other hand, a girl I had a crush on in middle school didn't have a deep relationship with me, but after moving to Tokyo, she became the kind of woman who sleeps with anyone. So she's a "pure-type bitch." The girl I liked in high school had some personality issues, but she's also a "pure-type bitch." It seems I have a tendency to be attracted to "pure-type bitches," and if I had a better eye for women back then, my life might have been different.

At my workplace, some of the bosses' (male) wives are "pure-type bitches," and sometimes I think, "She's cleverly caught a good-for-nothing man." But if they're happy, I think they should do what they want. It's not my place to point it out, and I don't really care. Besides, even if someone starts out as a "good-for-nothing," they might actually fall in love later, or the opposite might happen.

Besides "pure-type bitches," there are also simply girls who like S..X, and that's different from being a "pure-type bitch." A certain girl from my high school class didn't have a physical relationship with me, but we were pretty good friends, and she was very open about everything. She said, "I'm starting to think about where to work after I graduate, but I heard that 'Nantaku Land' pays a lot of money and is a fun place to work, so is that a bad place to work? I think I'll work there after I graduate," and she said that cheerfully to me and my male friends. I didn't know who she was with, and we didn't have a relationship beyond that, but later, she actually got a job at a local public lodging, and even then, she said, "It would be interesting if I made eye contact with a guest and snuck into their room," which was either serious or a joke. But she was just straightforward and honest, without any hidden agendas. I think a "pure-type bitch" with hidden agendas and a girl who is simply sexually active and honest are different.

"Pure-type bitches" don't necessarily cheat, and it's not limited to liking S..X. Basically, a "pure-type bitch" is a beautiful woman who tries to manipulate men, and whether or not someone is a "pure-type bitch" depends on their personality and temperament. "Pure-type bitches" have a similar structure to male bullies, and while their behavior seems pure and refined, they get irritated if something doesn't go their way and suddenly lash out. Both men and women are the same when it comes to lashing out, it's harassment. I've been glared at, yelled at, and given the "go away" look and feeling by "pure-type bitches" many times, but a truly pure and good girl wouldn't act like that. I really didn't have a good eye for women, and I was constantly being deceived by "pure-type bitches." Back then, I was tormented by a sense of guilt, but in reality, there was no need to worry or feel guilty about those "pure-type bitches."

When I was in kindergarten, I experienced bullying for the first time, which led to mental health issues. Since then, I have been trying to cope with the persistent and malicious bullying, but in the process, I became unable to think critically and have become disillusioned with the people around me and life. I have been constantly thinking about cutting off relationships, and eventually, my mental state deteriorated, and I think I was unable to understand the people around me. When I was young, the bullies were mostly boys, but later, in high school and university, I encountered "chaste-type bitches" and wasted a lot of time and energy.

Back then, I was made to feel "it's your fault" by the people around me and adults, who instilled in me that I was the problem. However, it is common for perpetrators to justify their actions and make the victims feel guilty, causing them to believe that they are the cause of the problem. This is a fairly typical pattern of bullying, abuse, and enslavement. For a long time, I have been made to feel that I am the problem, but in reality, it was the classmates who were bullying me who were at fault. When I was in kindergarten, the classmates who caused me to refuse to go to school were at fault. In elementary school, I was bullied by a neighborhood child who pushed my head underwater in a nearby river and forced me to play a "drowning game." Suddenly, my head was pushed underwater, or my feet were pulled, and the older child would laugh. At one point, the older child used an electric shaver to touch my feet and hands, causing the hair to grow thicker in those areas, and I was teased and ridiculed by my classmates for it. No matter how you think about it, I was not at fault, but the classmates and the neighborhood child (older child) were at fault, yet I was made to feel that I was the problem, that I was wrong, and that it was wrong for me to be victimized. The adults and teachers around me didn't understand, and they seemed to think of me as "that blank-looking child." Now that I think about it, I should have run away to a shelter, but if I had entered a shelter, I might not have been able to go to university, so I suppose it was okay that I was allowed to attend university.

I was glared at by "chaste-type bitches" as if I was at fault, and I received "disdainful glances" and was ridiculed in front of me, but somehow, I still felt like it was my fault. However, the personality and behavior of the "chaste-type bitch" were dishonest, so there was no need for me to worry or feel guilty for her. "Chaste-type bitches" sometimes send unwarranted feelings of resentment, so it is best to avoid any contact with them from the beginning. It is unthinkable to have a physical relationship with a "chaste-type bitch," and it is better to avoid even talking to them.

Originally, the "cute" type of girl seemed to think that I was looking down on her while also considering me a potential romantic partner. However, from my perspective, I would never consider someone who looks down on me as a potential romantic partner. I wonder how she could think that looking down on someone would make them a romantic target. Perhaps, it's common for children to "bully" the person they like. However, from the perspective of the person being bullied, they would only have a negative impression and would not be considered a potential romantic partner. There were also people who were rejected and became depressed, which was quite something. Indeed, these "cute" girls are full of charm, and there were times when I was drawn to them. However, even while being drawn to them, there was an invisible barrier that prevented me from seeing them as potential partners. I was very interested in them, but at the same time, the barrier caused a state of rejection. It's as if someone invisible was protecting me from being attracted to them.

On the other hand, there were truly good people, who were not necessarily beautiful but rather plain. However, during that time, it was common for people to be ranked based on their appearance, and people were often concerned about these rankings. As a result, it was difficult to act according to one's feelings and it was hard to become friends with those who were considered to be lower in the rankings. I wish I hadn't worried about such things. True goodness is not related to appearance, but rather to personality.

By the way, I suddenly remembered that a business partner of a "cute" girl from a certain place was persistently trying to meet me, and it suddenly felt suspicious, so I didn't meet her. She then said, "Are you even a man?" Her reasoning was something like, "If a woman is inviting you (me), why aren't you taking her?" She seemed frustrated that I wasn't taking her. It turned into a fight, and she became hysterical, saying, "I don't need you. I'm the one doing everything. You're making money, so you should give me more money. If you don't want to, you can quit." Since she said that, I decided to kick her out of the business, suspended her account, and revoked her access to the system. She became hysterical, but in reality, I had provided everything, including the investment and the position. It's a ridiculous idea for her to say that she doesn't need me. It was too good to be true. To put it briefly, she didn't secretly plot anything, but directly told me, "Get out." It was like a public declaration of a takeover, so there was nothing I could do but kick her out. She didn't seem to understand the difference between a shareholder and an employee, and she was so clueless that she didn't even know how to operate the business without me. She was demanding more money, claiming that the business's success was her doing, and that she should be the one to benefit from it. However, the server management was time-consuming and costly, and the advertising costs were also significant. The business wasn't making as much money as she claimed. In fact, it was still in the investment stage, so even though it looked like it was making a profit, the initial investment was high. She was demanding that I give her the money that hadn't even been earned yet, and she didn't seem to understand the situation. She was a clueless woman who didn't even realize that she was essentially a decoration and that I was the one who had given her the position. I don't need someone like that. The fact that she said those things to me means that she was looking down on me.

And, in addition to not understanding her own situation, she was trying to take advantage of me and force me into a surrogacy arrangement.

Despite the fact that a "pure" and "bimbo" woman who tries to force surrogacy or yells at you is a bad, ugly person, I sometimes get yelled at or blamed by a "pure" and "bimbo" woman, and I am treated as if I am the bad one. The "pure" and "bimbo" woman yells at me in a smug and orderly manner, so when I am yelled at, I immediately think, "Is that so?" However, no matter how you think about it, it is too awkward to have a relationship with that woman there, and I am not making enough money to pay such a large amount of money that she is demanding. Also, she doesn't understand the relationship between capital and employees, but she is so confident and argues for her own justification that I feel like I am shutting down my thinking, and emotionally, I feel like she is right, and I feel like I am the bad one, but no matter how you think about it, such an excessive benefit is not right, and I can only think that the "pure" and "bimbo" woman who tries to force surrogacy is a bad person. Why am I being treated in a way that I am yelled at and laughed at, and not blamed? Even if I refuse to be forced into a surrogacy arrangement, what am I supposed to be blamed for? It makes no sense. There are men in the world who will accept a woman who is a "pure" and "bimbo" and who has a misunderstanding, and such a lifestyle is irrelevant to me, so they can do whatever they want, so I should not deny a "pure" and "bimbo" woman, because there are men in the world who are happy to be with a "pure" and "bimbo" woman, so they can do whatever they want. Please, a "pure" and "bimbo" woman, don't involve me. It's so incomprehensible that my head is spinning.

When I am yelled at and blamed rapidly and in a fast-paced manner, I tend to think, "Is that so? Should I do that? Am I the bad one?" However, that is a characteristic of a telepath, where you tend to sympathize with the other person's ideas. Once you take a step back and think calmly, you can clearly see that the other person's argument is wrong.

Thinking back, there were several people in the workplace who had succumbed to the strong pressure of a "pure" and "bimbo" woman and ended up regretting their marriage. Some people said, "I should have thought more before getting married," and one person said, "It was good when I got married, but I became a 'terrifying wife'," and another person said, "If I didn't get married, it would be a waste of time. Give me back my time," and they got married but regretted it. If a man marries a "pure" and "bimbo" woman who lacks sincerity and is selfish, he will spend days of suffering. I was also in a position where I could have become one of them, but I was lucky enough to avoid it.

Why do so many "innocent-looking bitches" who see me as an easy target keep appearing around me? I don't understand. Is it the law of attraction? Or am I being too careless?

Looking back, the female business partner used to make a "smirking" face at me from time to time. But the "smirk" that these "innocent-looking bitches" show when they look at me is very similar to the expression a salesperson makes when trying to sell something expensive, or the look an boss gives a subordinate when treating them like a slave. It's very disgusting. Recently, whenever I see that disgusting "smirk," I run away as fast as I can.

To these "innocent-looking bitches," I must seem like an easy target. And just like a salesperson who gets frustrated when a potential customer tries to escape, these "innocent-looking bitches" also get frustrated and try to force me to do what they want. They get irritated or yell and lash out when I try to distance myself or take a step back. The similarities between salespeople who treat customers like that and these "innocent-looking bitches" are striking. Every time something like that happens, my heart becomes sick, and my head spins. Therefore, it's best not to have any dealings with "innocent-looking bitches" who see me as an easy target.

In reality, at the time I had interactions with that female business partner, I didn't realize she was aiming for surrogacy. I simply avoided her because she made excessive demands and was very intimidating and gave me a sense of unease. I only found out the truth about six months later. I received a message from a contact who said, "I heard that girl is pregnant with the child of a male cousin of the family. When I heard she was pregnant, I initially thought it was your child, but she'll never be able to be happy." That's when I finally understood the reason for my unease. She knew the approximate timing of the pregnancy, and it was a fairly perfect timing for surrogacy. Although it should be possible to tell if the gestational age doesn't match, she probably thought she could get away with it with a small error. That's when I realized, with a high probability, that the reason for my unease was that she wanted to get pregnant through surrogacy and wanted to sleep with me. Surrogacy wasn't just my imagination; it was something she was actually aiming for, and I learned that through a detailed explanation from that contact.

If that's the case, I must have been a convenient target for that "pure" but cunning woman, who was my business partner. It's truly dizzying. The "pure" but cunning woman seems to be quite aggressive. I haven't even slept with that business partner, and from the beginning, we weren't in that kind of relationship, but people around us were spreading rumors about our relationship. Even before that, there were suspicious things that made me feel like she was planning something, but that time in particular was something forceful and strange. Because I was suspicious, I distanced myself, and later I found out that she was a very disturbed and aggressive S-type "pure" woman. I really didn't see what she was like. According to what I heard through connections, she was having fun with her relatives day and night. I wonder what kind of brain structure she has. It's completely lacking in common morality, and I can't understand it. They say you can marry someone if they're more than three degrees of kinship away, but you usually don't have that kind of relationship with relatives. I feel dizzy and nauseous. What did I see in her?

This woman, when things were going well, would constantly say "I'm grateful," but when the relationship broke down, she would occasionally send emails saying things like "Everything went wrong after I got involved with you. You're responsible, so take responsibility." I ignored those nonsensical things at the time. I think the reason her life hasn't gone well isn't my fault, but because she got pregnant with a child from a relative she shouldn't have been with. I don't understand why I would be so hated for refusing to help her with the surrogacy. It's already so confusing. Because of things like this, I don't want to associate with women who are not very bright.

There are too many "pure" women who, like that woman, try to take advantage of me by being bold and demanding. However, I can't just be mean, so I feel the need to be careful not to overdo things and to maintain a certain distance. Also, when serving someone, if you do it without expecting anything in return, even if the other person doesn't give you anything in return, your heart won't be hurt. So, when I give something to someone, I either set conditions beforehand or make a promise, and if there are no conditions or promises, I don't expect anything in return. That's also something I've learned. People think differently than you expect. Even if it looks like they're being bold and trying to take advantage of you, the "pure" woman might think "that's natural." So, it's better not to associate with women with such different perceptions, such as women who might try to make you do surrogacy. First, I want to avoid "pure" women, and I feel the need to be careful with everyone I interact with.

A good woman seems to balance giving and receiving. However, a "chise" woman (a type of woman who appears pure but is actually manipulative) only takes and tries to maximize her own benefits. A good woman or a fairly normal person tries to reciprocate what she receives. However, a "chise" woman tries to maximize what she receives from her husband and those around her, disrupting the balance and only thinking about receiving. Sometimes, she becomes unhappy if she cannot get the benefits she wants. This is a matter of degree, but the excessive nature of this behavior is a characteristic of a "chise" woman. A "chise" woman justifies herself by saying, "But you said it was good. Didn't you agree?" The fundamental difference is that a good person considers balance, while a "chise" woman considers whether she agreed, regardless of balance. Even if a good person agreed, the basic value criterion is whether she is receiving something in return. However, a "chise" woman lacks or has insufficient awareness of this balance. That is the difference between a "chise" woman and a good person. In short, a "chise" woman is impudent. And if she cannot get the benefits she wants, she may become angry, ignore, look down on, treat someone as "not a man," or criticize, and she may quickly leave without any lingering feelings. Although the specific actions vary from person to person, the balance of benefits is one-sided and unbalanced.

Despite all these various and incomprehensible things, the basic principle is "life is perfect," so all of this has become a learning experience. Although the stories were mostly examples of bad behavior, I have managed to survive by being careful and avoiding situations that could be dangerous.

It seems that I have always recognized the feeling of admiration for beautiful women like "chise" women as "love." However, it is a bit late to say this now, but it seems that it was actually a fairly instinctive, sexual, and visual form of love.

On the other hand, there are people whom I have not recognized as "love" until now, and who I thought were "strange." The feeling of sadness when I am not given attention, the desire to understand the other person, and the desire to be understood by the other person, may actually be what is worthy of being called "love." Now, I am beginning to recognize my past state. If that is the case, then my previous understanding and actions were fundamentally wrong.

It is often said that love is blind, but there are two types of blind love. Love that is close to the physical body and sexual desire seems like a very basic form of love. There is a type of blind love that is based on the feeling of "not understanding," which is true love. There is also love that is blind or admiring of someone's physical appearance, and that is also a kind of love. In my case, I was completely drawn to a "pure-type bitch," and now that I think about it, the smile she gave me wasn't because she liked me, but rather, it was an expression of "This person seems to like me. Yay!" It was more of a feeling of "If you like me, you will devote yourself to me" than a feeling of mutual understanding.

If you fall for this type of "pure-type bitch," they are usually quiet as long as their desires are being met, but sometimes they will get irritated or suddenly angry because of something like "Why aren't you doing this?" and that will erode my heart. Or, sometimes, the "pure-type bitch" has someone else she truly loves, so you will be cheated on. The person I liked (or thought I liked) was probably one of these patterns.

Now that I think about it, there were people around me who understood this, and at one point, they warned me, "You should think about this more carefully." But I thought, "That's not the case. I'm fine. I like this person." But actually, I didn't understand love very deeply. I was mistaking the feeling of being drawn to and liking a "pure-type bitch" for love. I really wonder what I was understanding and what I was doing all this time.

Now that I think about it, even if it can be called love, it is just a one-sided admiration, an incomplete love, a distorted love. There is not much "mutual understanding" in it.

On the other hand, the basic principle of love is to understand the other person, and the relationship develops from there. That is obvious, but I didn't understand that. Now that I understand that, I realize that I wasn't really in love with the "pure-type bitch" I thought I was in love with, but rather, the person I didn't recognize as "love" was actually the person I was in love with. However, since it was a long time ago, I am not 100% sure, but I think that is probably the case. Even when I come to this conclusion, I still wonder, "Is it really possible for someone to not realize that they are in love?" But I think it is actually possible.

When I trace back my memories, I think there might have been people I didn't recognize as "liked" before, for example, that girl from T University. At the time, I thought, "What is this? I don't understand," but now, after many years, I suddenly realized, "Ah, that was because I liked her." Back then, I didn't understand myself, and I couldn't express or act appropriately. At that time, I felt very sad because that girl from T University didn't seem to pay much attention to me. But back then, I thought, "Oh, it's probably because we live in different worlds, so she doesn't pay attention to me," and I thought that's why I was sad. However, it might have been because I was starting to like her, but she didn't pay much attention to me, which made me sad. When I looked at her face, and when she looked back at me and our eyes met, a sad feeling and tears suddenly came out, and I couldn't understand what was happening, and I desperately tried to suppress it with my consciousness, but I was almost in a panic, and I was about to burst into tears and my expression was about to explode, so I desperately covered my face with my hands. But back then, I interpreted it as described above. Now that I think about it, my interpretation at that time was wrong, and I didn't understand myself. I thought, "I don't like her," or I tried to convince myself of that, but my body reacted, so my mind and body were out of sync, and I was about to panic. What I should have trusted was my body's reaction. Therefore, I think I might have liked that girl. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't have cried or felt like crying just by looking at her face. My understanding of my own emotions was wrong, and because that basic understanding was wrong, my perception of what I should do was completely wrong.

The person I should have approached was not a "cute" girl, but a sincere person, someone I could understand. When I think back to my junior high school, high school, or university days, I have liked many "cute" girls, and on the other hand, there were people who I didn't consciously recognize as "liked," but I actually liked. The appearance and the perfection of makeup seem to have little to do with whether I actually like someone. "Cute" girls are good at makeup and have good looks, but that doesn't necessarily mean I like them. The appearance is acceptable to a certain extent, as long as it's not physically repulsive. At that time, perhaps due to the influence of my surroundings, I tended to choose based on appearance, but that was the wrong choice. I should have trusted my feelings more. Even when my body showed a "like" reaction, I would reconsider it with my rational mind and say, "No, I don't like her," and prioritize reason, resulting in a life where I approached "cute" girls.

For "pure" types of girls, I feel a sense of excitement and a feeling like I'm in love, but it's often a physical attraction. When I truly like someone on a deeper level, it's more intellectual and fundamental.

I rarely feel romantic feelings for someone, but now that I think about it, it might just be excessive self-awareness. I'm quite insensitive, and I sometimes unintentionally made the girls around me feel sad in the same way. In reality, to have a truly solid relationship, the "sad" reaction might come a little late, and it's ideal to approach each other before that "sad" reaction occurs. Some people might leave the moment they experience that "sad" reaction.

I've now realized that the person I didn't even consciously recognize as someone I liked, the person who was actually liked by me on a deeper level (more fundamental than sexual feelings, more intellectual), is actually someone I like. Conversely, the person I consciously recognized as someone I liked before might not have been that great of a love interest. I've belatedly realized that my understanding of my own feelings was wrong. I thought I "knew" about love from the heart, but I actually didn't.

For example, when I first started working, a close friend in a different department probably liked me from the heart, but I, at that time, didn't know about love from the heart, so my feelings were only a physical and blind attraction, and that's why we didn't match. That girl seemed to have some dissatisfaction with me, and that dissatisfaction was probably because she felt unloved from the heart. My level of love was low. That feeling of not matching is what I now think was the very sad, unfulfilled sadness that she sometimes showed.

・Self: Low love (physical love) and Other: Low love (physical love) → "Pure" type of girl (in some cases). There's a high possibility of something going wrong. Jealousy, possessive love.
・Self: Low love (physical love) and Other: Love from the heart (intellectual love) → They might not match, or it might work if the other person compromises or understands you, but the other person will be left with a feeling of unfulfilled sadness.
・Self: Love from the heart (intellectual love) and Other: Love from the heart (intellectual love) → Ideal.
・Self: Love from the heart (intellectual love) and Other: Low love (physical love) → They might not match, or it might work if you compromise or understand the other person, but you will be left with a feeling of unfulfilled sadness.

When presented in a table, it seems obvious, and I've seen similar tables from time to time in the past, but in reality, I didn't have a real understanding of it. When people hear explanations like this, they tend to understand it intellectually and think, "Okay, I understand. I'll love with my heart," and they end up feeling like they understand, even though they don't. But in reality, they didn't understand. In the spiritual field, there are quite a few such "traps" where you think you understand intellectually, and sometimes it's important to not focus too much on knowledge and to "try it first." This time, even though I thought I understood it intellectually, I actually didn't understand it at all.

By regaining a teenage-like state of mind, I'm not just returning to my former state of mind, but it's also bringing about new understandings, and through that understanding, the past is finally being settled, and I'm becoming able to judge what is right and what is wrong, and I'm becoming able to distinguish between good and bad people, and honest and dishonest people, and I feel like I'm starting to overcome my former state of mind.

I've been experiencing things like this over the past week, like a slideshow. It's true that you can't live in the past forever, but I think the past few weeks have been a time for reflection. There are times like that in life.

And when these understandings occurred, I felt like my heart began to open to a higher dimension. My heart's sensitivity increased, and at the same time, for some reason, tears would come out even when there was nothing. Recently, I've been experiencing flashbacks related to past romances, and at first, I just thought it was annoying, but now that it's over, I feel like I've reached a fairly important understanding and state.

At first, it was shown to me as a creative story, a kind of watered-down version of Romeo and Juliet, that was somewhat detached from reality. At first, I didn't really understand it, and I thought it was just a creative story, and I thought it was just fragments of memories pieced together. But in reality, if those flashbacks were happening repeatedly in order for me to understand these things, then my guides have been patiently providing educational materials in order to bring me to this understanding. Based on that understanding, when I re-examined the Romeo and Juliet-style creative story, I came to a different understanding. I thought it was just a mishmash of creations, but it turns out that it may actually reflect reality. Either way, my perspective has changed.

This has given me a clearer understanding of how to approach relationships in life, including how to interact with people I should love, those I shouldn't, people who have physical feelings for me, and people who love me with their hearts, as well as the ideal of a reciprocal relationship. Thinking about it, I realize that there have only been a few people in my life who could have potentially been ideal partners. I've only just realized this.

It seems I haven't really known what the feeling of heart (Anahata) love is like. Even when it appeared occasionally, I didn't seem to be ready to accept it. I think I was misinterpreting what heart love is.

I couldn't interpret that feeling as heart love. I couldn't consciously understand it as a good, positive love. I think I've felt heart love for several people in the past, but none of those relationships worked out. There was a pattern to it: I couldn't interpret that feeling as heart love, so my mind would interpret it as "no, that's not it," and my head and my feelings were separated, which is why those loves didn't work out. Even if my head thought, "I'm not that interested in this person," my feelings would react, and even though my feelings were reacting, my head would think, "No," or "I'm not interested," which naturally led to the relationship not working out. This would cause misunderstandings with the other person, and I would inexplicably cry, which my conscious mind couldn't understand. At that time, my conscious mind would try to rationalize and understand by coming up with "plausible reasons" to try to understand, but I wasn't really understanding. There was a separation between reality and understanding, which felt strange. For example, I might think, "Ah, it's true that people who go to universities like T University and I are living in different worlds," and feel sad about it, but now I realize that it wasn't about that at all; I was simply in love with my heart. Even though my head might think, "This person is definitely not someone I like or am attracted to," my feelings would be different. I couldn't understand myself. That's why my attitude would be, "I'm not sure," and even though I thought, "I don't think she's that pretty, and her face isn't my type," I would still feel, "There's something special about her (maybe we're living in different worlds)," and I would force myself to think, "I shouldn't be attracted to her," but I couldn't understand my feelings with my head.

Even then and now, in spiritual teachings, it is often said that "love from the heart is preferable to sexual desire, which is closer to the body." I would intellectually understand this and say, "Yes, love from the heart is good. That's right." I would think I understood it intellectually and feel like I knew what love from the heart was, but in reality, that wasn't the case. Occasionally, I would feel like I was experiencing love from the heart towards some people, but this was only very rarely, and even then, I wouldn't intellectually understand that it was love. Therefore, I would often act coldly or ignore people I should have liked. At the beginning of conversations, there was no intellectual interpretation, so I would unconsciously feel like, "Hmm, what is this? It feels like it's a good match." However, suddenly I would become aware of myself, start thinking with my head, and carefully observe the person's face, and then I would think, "Hmm, what is this? It's not a face I like, and I don't like it." In reality, my feelings were correct, but my intellect would interfere with those feelings, and that's why my relationships didn't work out. I would suddenly feel a sense of emptiness, like, "What have I been doing? Hmm, this person... Ugh. Well, if I look closely, it's not really a face I like. What's going on?" This sense of emptiness, or rather, my intellect interfering with my feelings, would often be conveyed to the other person, making them feel uncomfortable or sensing a discrepancy, which would lead to failed relationships. Now that I think about it, those moments were temporary states of oneness, which is love from the heart. Therefore, my unconsciousness should have been prioritized, and my intellect shouldn't have interfered with my feelings. I didn't understand the state I was in consciously. That's why love and marriage are sometimes said to be "a matter of momentum," and I think that's true for love from the heart.

Physical sexual desire or love based on appearance is a feeling that originates in the lower abdomen (around the manipura or swadhisthana chakras). Even love from the manipura chakra is a form of love, but it's often a "possessive and emotional love." I felt this kind of possessive and emotional love from the manipura chakra towards what I called "pure" or "innocent" girls, but at the time, I didn't realize that it was love from the manipura chakra. Instead, I mistakenly interpreted it as love from the heart. I didn't understand which emotion was love from the heart. When people talk about love from the heart, it sounds very noble, but in reality, it seems to be interpreted conveniently, and even lower forms of love were misinterpreted as love from the heart. I didn't know which one was love from the heart. I was misinterpreting different things as love from the heart.

In this area, I think my mother's influence was strong. My mother is controlling and expresses her love through manipulation. I feel like I received a lot of love from my mother in the form of controlling affection, and that was a wonderful kind of love. However, even though it was love, it was still a manipulative and controlling kind of love. I don't think I received much of what I would consider "heartfelt" love from my mother. Because of this, I think I developed a certain interpretation of what love is. In the world, love is often associated with the heart, but what I knew as love wasn't actually that kind of heartfelt love. I thought that my own limited experiences were the definition of heartfelt love. When trying to understand something that is unfamiliar as a feeling, sometimes people mistakenly think they understand it intellectually. I think that's what happened to me.

Compared to manipulative love, I think "heartfelt" love is more "intellectual." Therefore, for people who are accustomed to manipulative or physical love, heartfelt love may seem cold or distant. Or, they may simply not be able to understand it as love.

At the time, when I thought about it calmly and intellectually, I realized, "Wait, I'm not usually attracted to this type of person. It's not the same exciting feeling I get with the 'innocent but seductive' type, which is the kind of love I'm used to." I thought, "Hmm... something is different. This isn't love." I suppressed and deceived my own feelings based on that interpretation, but it was a misinterpretation. When there is a discrepancy between the mind and emotions, it can lead to an unstable and incomprehensible state. For example, sudden sadness might erupt, or I might suddenly feel like crying, but I wouldn't understand why at a conscious level. When the mind and consciousness are separated, and the conscious mind makes arbitrary interpretations, those incorrect interpretations can prevent you from taking the right actions, or you may unconsciously suppress your emotions. Those old emotions have been dormant deep inside me for a long time, and recently, I finally feel like I've gained a "correct" understanding.

Manipulative love involves control, and that's a kind of love. However, with heartfelt love, it seems to be more free and less controlling, and both parties can connect more deeply while respecting each other.

Looking back, about a week before I started experiencing these old emotions and a temporary state similar to adolescence, the flashbacks that appeared were interpretations that conflicted with my "incorrect interpretations from the past." At first, I thought, "Even though the elements are from the past, the interpretation is different, it's different from reality. It feels like just a textbook or a fictional story created in my head." But, actually, even that was a misinterpretation on my part. What was shown in the flashbacks was actually quite accurate, and my past interpretations were quite wrong. That's when I realized that I didn't understand anything at all. At the time, I was confident and thought I understood things well, but it turns out that I didn't understand anything at all. (Even now, there may still be many things that I don't understand.)

Now that I think about it again, I think that Manipula's love wasn't inherently bad, and the love I felt for the "pure" bitch was, in a way, a love that was bound by Manipula. It seems that there is such a form of love, and it is certainly true that one can feel a deep love through it. The feeling of wanting to control or wanting to be controlled, is a way to connect deeply and make each other happy. It is much better than a distant love. Even if it is a love of control, it is better than a situation where one does not know much about love. In that sense, it is a proper love. I think that is the kind of love that a "pure" bitch gives, a love of control. If that is the case, there is nothing particularly bad about it, and there is a way for such a person to love, and it seems that it is a situation where both parties are happy. I myself have thought that kind of love was happy for a long time, so even if there were difficult things, I think it was a happy thing in its own way.

There is another pattern of relationship, where the other person is a sublime being, perhaps even more than a heart, and if one still only knows Manipula's controlling love, it seems that it would confuse the other person. Thinking back, there was a time when a woman I was interested in approached me, and she was confused, and she was in a difficult situation where she didn't know how to react (indirectly), and she rejected me. This was probably because my love was a Manipula's controlling love, while she had a love that was more than a heart, so she was confused and couldn't connect, and instead of clearly rejecting me, she would try to connect with me at first, but she couldn't connect with my feelings or emotions, and she would be confused, and she would subtly reject me by shifting her gaze. There are parts that connect when the levels are similar, but in this case, I think the woman's level of consciousness was too high, and she didn't have much in common with me. For the woman, it probably felt like "I don't quite understand. It's impossible." There are times like that.

I have been in a stage of controlling love and Manipula's love, and I have experienced "heart" love many times, but I haven't been able to move on to that stage. Perhaps I was in a transitional period, moving from this kind of controlling love to "heart" love. Therefore, I tend to cling to the way of loving that has become a habit, I don't understand the form of "heart" love in my head, and therefore, my actions are inconsistent, and I haven't been able to embody "heart" love properly. There were many people in front of me who I should have loved, but I didn't understand that.

This time, by reflecting on my past life, I have come to understand the love of the heart chakra, and I have realized who I should not have loved among the people I have met, and who I should have loved and cherished. I have been drawn to "chaste bitches" so far, but the people I should have loved were the honest ones. There were many such encounters, but I didn't recognize them and brushed them aside. I think I was so rude to those good girls when I was young. I want to apologize to many of those good girls that I brushed aside.

With the love of the heart chakra, I feel sad when love is not conveyed. Especially when the other person is not yet at the heart chakra level, if the other person's love is at the manipulation level, it is sad because it is not possible to connect with the love of the heart chakra. I sometimes think that I should have become friends with those good girls back then, but in reality, I was not at a stage where I could respond to that love. I was not ready. Those good girls were at the heart chakra level, but I was in a transitional period, sometimes reaching that level, but basically I was bound by manipulative love, so I think those good girls were sad that they could not connect with the love of the heart chakra because of my state. Since the levels were different, it is natural that the relationship did not work out.

Along with this understanding, my heart has opened a little more, and the sensitive parts of my chest have become more apparent, and I sometimes feel that my sensitive heart is curiously observing the outside world. I feel that my heart is more sensitive to the feelings of those around me. Furthermore, the aura has become more filled even in the crown chakra, and although the crown chakra is not yet fully open, it seems that the stability has increased. I think that my understanding of love has increased in this state. As a result, I am constantly overwhelmed with the feeling that I have done many things that I am sorry for. This is a story from when I was young, so there was no physical relationship, it is only a story of the heart, a platonic story. It is a story about apologizing for ignoring the feelings of girls and making them sad, especially before a deep relationship. I think I often ignored the pure feelings of girls and brushed them aside. And there were many good girls among them, but those were the people who I should have cherished.

Even so, I am someone who is bad at romance and very slow to understand things. While it might have been better if the woman had clearly expressed her feelings, it is still difficult for women to say those things. That is unavoidable. I think that good people tend to hesitate to express their feelings, and that men need to be more aware of the feelings of good people.

This, with various reasons, is essentially saying "I haven't known (much) heart (anahata) love." Although I sometimes experience such a state through my senses, I don't think I have been in a constant state of heart love. I feel that my understanding is gradually deepening through repeated revisions and reflections.

With this revised understanding, my future behavior and way of thinking will fundamentally change. It feels like it's a bit late, but it's better than ending my life without realizing it. At least, I will strive to live with a renewed awareness from now on.

When I look at the world with these new eyes, I realize that there are "truly good" people everywhere, living lives filled with love. These people are often not concerned with spiritual or strange concepts, yet they know love. On the other hand, people who consider themselves spiritual or who have become arrogant often do not know love. Surprisingly, there aren't many spiritual people who have truly reached the fundamental and essential understanding of love. Spiritual people tend to value "information" and "knowledge," but I think that people who cherish ordinary life and strive to live a loving life are more spiritual. Of course, having both is ideal.

Spiritual people are trying to achieve this state of heart love through learning and knowledge. If that is the case, then until they know heart love, they are still in the process of learning. Even if they acquire knowledge and feel like they have become outstanding, it is likely just a feeling, because if they don't know heart love, that is their limit. Nevertheless, knowledge and learning can help people grow towards love, so they are not useless. However, there are some spiritual people who, despite not having reached heart love, believe they have already achieved a certain level and become arrogant. Compared to them, there are many "truly good" people who are more filled with heart love. I have thought this for a long time, but spirituality is often something for people who are not yet enlightened. If someone is truly enlightened, it has nothing to do with training or spirituality.

I was quite satisfied with the state of "bliss" or "fulfillment" that I had reached through meditation, but if I know even a little bit of this "love" of the heart, I realize that such (personal) bliss or (personal) fulfillment was still just a stepping stone.

Reaching these new understandings and organizing this fundamental and essential thing called "love" has changed the way I see people, and I think it has also changed what I should be striving for.

First, by knowing the "love" of the heart, I can understand the people around me. As is often said, you can only understand people who are at a lower spiritual level than you, and it is only natural that if you do not know the love of the heart, you cannot know whether others have love.

To distinguish between a "pure" type of woman and a truly good woman, you must first know love. I think this is a very simple story. It is appropriate, and there is also a form called "love of restriction" (manipulative love), which is not necessarily bad, and even if it is, it is still a certain kind of love. Even if there are painful aspects, it is a very strong love. There are many people who have not yet reached that level, so even manipulative love is a wonderful love in its own right.

On the other hand, the next stage is to first know the "love" of the heart (Anahata), and then move one step beyond the "love of restriction" (manipulative love), and at that time, you will be able to distinguish and find truly good women.

Living in a state of love is almost the same as living telepathically. You become telepathic through love. It is oneness. It is also a state of self and other being the same.

In this way, my state has returned to what it was like since elementary school, and I am gradually becoming telepathic again. Back then, it was just a feeling, but now it is accompanied by understanding, and by understanding the love of the heart, I can now distinguish truly good women to a certain extent, and I feel that my life has become more fulfilling again.

I have talked about yoga and meditation, and about stillness and bliss, but it turns out that the ultimate destination is always the universal love of the heart. And that is something that many people naturally practice without even calling it meditation or spirituality. I simply did not know, or had forgotten, that ordinary thing. Because I had forgotten it, I had the feeling that it was something extraordinary, but it turns out that ordinary love is what should be known. When I think about it, it is the same feeling that I had when I was a child in elementary school. I had long forgotten that feeling.

When I realized that what is often talked about in yoga and spirituality, such as opening the heart and becoming more emotionally rich, is simply the ordinary feeling of love, I realized how lacking my understanding had been and how I had been missing out on that ordinary feeling of love. And I clearly recognized that things I had thought were completely different before reaching this state were actually the same.

I had been doing yoga and spirituality, and reaching various states like a state of stillness, and I had been deluded into thinking that I had grown and become a superior person. In reality, there are many people who live a life full of love and practice love in real life, even without doing yoga or spirituality, and who endure the hardships of daily life. These people are truly wonderful and amazing, practicing love in this difficult society. Compared to them, I was just a child, feeling good about myself for having grown a little through yoga and spirituality in a limited environment. One of the reasons why some people feel that spirituality or religion is unpleasant or hypocritical is that there are people who talk about love without actually reaching that ordinary state of love.

It seems that I had not yet fully understood what love is until I reached this understanding of love from the heart. I think I had forgotten it. The expression "to know love" is often used, but this is a metaphorical expression, not about intellectually memorizing and studying something. It is a metaphorical expression to say that one "knows" love when one has reached the state of love. Love is not something that can be learned and "known," but if one reaches the state of love, one can gain "understanding" of that state, so it is not wrong to metaphorically express the recognition of that state as "knowing." Although the expression "to know love" can be misunderstood as intellectual understanding, even if it is a metaphorical expression, I think that people who understand it will not misunderstand it, and I think my understanding of love has deepened compared to before. In that sense, I first reached the state of love from the heart, and then I came to understand that the understanding of the state of love that is often talked about in the world was indeed correct.

I think I have taken the first step towards living with love. This is also thanks to the many women who loved me (and who cried and shed tears for me), and to the few women I was able to love. And I think this extends not only to loving the opposite sex, but also to a universal love for all people, and it is also a return to one's original, true self.

The love of the heart is fundamental to human beings, and I think everyone possesses it. Even if it is clouded by social life, causing distorted perceptions, and one eventually loses sight of the love of the heart, if one continues to seek the love of the heart, one will eventually return to that state of love.

Afterword.

Looking back, I thought that a certain girl, a classmate in university, had a rather harsh personality. However, it seems that she was frustrated because, while she liked me, I was hesitant and didn't show enough interest. At the time, I thought she wasn't a very kind person, so I kept a certain distance. Now, I realize that this wasn't due to her personality, but rather that she liked me, but I didn't reciprocate enough, and she was frustrated with my lukewarm attitude.

There was also a lively girl with a somewhat harsh personality in high school. I mostly ignored her and treated her as just a friend, so she would sometimes explode in anger. Similarly, there was another girl in high school with whom I became somewhat friendly, but it didn't go beyond a normal friendship. In that case, she would sometimes show a slightly sad, tearful expression, and at the time, I wondered, "What's wrong? What's going on?" But it turns out she was sad because her love had been rejected. At the time, I didn't understand the feelings of girls, and I didn't understand what it was like for a girl to be in love. I was really insensitive.

There was also a senior in university who I thought was interesting. She rarely showed sadness, and she would smile kindly when she saw that I was interested in her. At the time, we only talked a little, but I think that in her case, she was happy that I was interested in her, but she was also a little sad that things weren't progressing. This pattern seems to be a form of love where one person is in love, and the other person accepts it. While it's best when both people are in love with each other, at least if one person can love the other person with all their heart, the other person can accept it, and the relationship can work out. Of course, the person who accepts it must be aware of it and choose to "accept" it.

Looking back, I think that in my surroundings, there were many people who made it a condition that both people must be in love with each other. Many people would become "uninterested" if they knew that the other person wasn't in love with them, and they would stop approaching and withdraw. However, it's not always easy to have a relationship where both people are in love, so I now think that if at least one person loves someone with all their heart, it's enough if the other person "accepts" it. Of course, this is possible because of a sincere personality. If you like a sincere person, and that sincere person accepts your love, I think the relationship can work out. I think there are actually many such relationships in the world. In fact, I think this pattern is much more common than a relationship where both people are in love. That's fine, and I think they are both happy. The first difficulty is that people who don't open their hearts easily cannot love with all their heart. While there are rare women who open their hearts, it is even rarer for men to open their hearts, so I think that even if only one person loves with all their heart, it is often enough.

Based on these understandings, if I put myself in the opposite position, I can somewhat imagine the feelings of the women around me. There were women who seemed to ignore my feelings, but perhaps that was because they didn't understand the concept of "heart's love." Truly good people don't think badly of someone who has feelings for them, and unless they are insensitive and don't notice, people who understand "heart's love" usually don't treat someone badly who shows affection towards them. On the other hand, people who don't understand "heart's love" often ignore the affections of others. This understanding is based on my past actions, so it may vary from person to person. However, nowadays there are so many strange people that, even if you are honest and kind when you are young, it might be better to intentionally ignore things when you get older.

At that time, I tended to avoid women with strong personalities and preferred kind people. However, the women who truly loved me seemed to be generally kind, but for some reason, they often became harsh personalities in front of me. I couldn't understand this at the time, and I interpreted it as them being harsh personalities despite appearing kind on the surface, and I ended up failing with "chaste bitches" who seemed kind on the surface. "Chaste bitches" are actually harsh personalities, but they don't show it, and they are kind to everyone, including me, on the surface. The people who truly cared about me were the ones who faced me properly, looked at me carefully, and sometimes said harsh things, which meant they were thinking about me. On the other hand, girls who were good at conversation and made me feel good with bland small talk and generic compliments were not deeply in love with me, I can now think. However, at that time, I only saw the surface, so I was attracted to "chaste bitches" who were good at conversation, and I failed every time.

Now that I think about it, there were many people who truly loved me, so I should have just accepted their love. I think I could have lived a happy life just by accepting love, even if I didn't fall in love myself. In reality, I rarely initiated relationships, or rather, as I mentioned above, I didn't really understand what "love" was, and I was mostly attracted to "chaste bitches" (which wasn't love), and I just felt a vague sense of liking. I sometimes thought I might be in love, but it was often a misunderstanding. So, if I think about it now, I think I've only truly been in love a few times.

Generally, when I saw a child who seemed irritated with me, I used to think, "That's a child with a bad personality." However, the reality is that sometimes they are irritated because they like me so much. I recently came to understand that love is like that. These children don't smile at me, and when I look at them, they quickly avert their gaze. I didn't think much of it and just ignored it. But now, I think they were looking at me, wondering "What is this person?" and when I noticed them and made eye contact, they were probably turning away, saying "Pui." Conversely, there were times when I myself, in the past, impulsively acted in a similar way, and I didn't even understand my own behavior. At the time, I would get depressed, thinking, "Huh? I'm such a mean person. Why am I so irritated?" I was aware of myself "Pui"ing away, and I didn't understand my own behavior, thinking, "What is this?" Specifically, for example, when the student from T University didn't give me much attention, I would unintentionally adopt that attitude, and gradually my voice would get louder, sometimes startling her. When she would look at me with her innocent, cute eyes, wondering "What's going on?" I would be overwhelmed by self-loathing for what I had done, sadness that I might have been misunderstood, and sadness that I wasn't being given enough attention. Of course, I knew that if I "Pui"ed, she wouldn't come to me. Moreover, she was also acting in a hesitant way. I thought, "Ugh, I'm done," but maybe I should have been more patient. Based on this understanding, when I recall various situations with other girls, I think that many of them probably had similar experiences, where they liked me and occasionally took a slightly harsh attitude towards me. If that's the case, just as I did, many of these girls may have unconsciously adopted that attitude, not consciously realizing that they liked me. Until I re-examined and re-understood it this time, I wasn't aware of the reasons why I acted in that way. In fact, I've only recently realized, "Huh? I think I liked that girl more than I thought. Was that irritation because of that?" It seems that many people, both men and women, don't realize their own feelings. Also, even when you feel like you might like someone, you often can't understand it with your head, become confused, and end up denying it, saying "That's impossible." It seems that it would have been better to prioritize your feelings over your logic. If your heart is not organized and stable, you often self-destruct in love. Since your attitude, feelings, and words don't match, it's only natural that the other person doesn't know how to treat you. In situations where you are dealing with a confused woman, for example, there was a classmate in high school who recommended "Adachi Tsumi" to me. I wanted to be friends with her, but when I approached her, she seemed confused, and her words and actions were incomprehensible, making it unclear whether it was okay or not, so things didn't progress. Conversely, I was in a situation where I was confused, just like with the student from T University, and my words and actions became incomprehensible, which didn't work out. When I put myself in that position, I realized that when you might be in love, your mind goes blank, your logic circuits don't work properly, your words become incomprehensible, and you can't understand the other person's words (which are already difficult to interpret), and you only focus on their face and presence. In that state, your words and actions become meaningless. Then, the other person feels like, "What is this person? I don't understand." People with a lot of dating experience might think, "Ah, she probably likes me," but young people don't understand the situation and just ignore it.

Now, if I think back, the first thing to do is to determine whether you like the other person. If you like the other person or there is a possibility that you will like them, then no matter how hesitant their attitude may be, you should just invite them. There is no need to wait until you are both in love. If one person is willing, and if the other person is a good person and seems to be receptive, then it is probably okay to invite them. It is quite natural for the other person to be hesitant in the beginning, so reacting with a "pfft" is too hasty. It is better to calmly and gradually deepen the relationship.

Even if I realize this now, it was many years ago, and I haven't been in contact with them since, and they probably look different now, so we might not even recognize each other. So, for now, it is just a memory. Generally, these kinds of memories are just memories, and there is no reason to think that something will happen now. It is not normal to think that something will happen. If something strange happens after being out of contact for decades, it is more likely to be due to a higher-level intervention. Normally, nothing happens unless there is an intervention. Therefore, it is a matter that is not affected by what you think.

In reality, whether it was during elementary school or now, I am very happy and enjoying my life just by living normally, and I walk around with a smile, and when I suddenly look at the scenery and see someone "by chance," I often don't notice them or only see them as part of the scenery, but that person often misunderstands that "are you looking at me? Are you smiling at me? Do you like me?" This was often a problem during elementary and junior high school. Especially, many children are overly self-conscious.
In reality, I don't focus my eyes well, and I can't see clearly, but I just live happily while looking at the scenery with a smile. However, a girl might get excited, thinking, "Oh, you like me!" I am not very perceptive, so I don't notice it for a while, and then I suddenly notice that the girl is looking at me with a heart shape, and I think, "Who is that?" However, it turns out that she is not really in love with me, but rather she is smiling because I looked at her first. In this way, I unintentionally give the impression that I am interested in someone, which can lead to situations where I am treated like I am having an affair, sometimes.
When a girl looks at me like that, it seems that a stranger who is secretly in love with that girl is jealous and stares at me from afar. This happened quite often. No, this is not about being overly self-conscious, but it is the truth.
However, if I don't notice and ignore the girl, she starts to get annoyed, and from her perspective, it seems that she thinks that my feelings have changed because of my gaze, and she often wonders if I like her. However, I don't understand.
The girl gets excited on her own, gets hurt on her own, and gets annoyed on her own. I don't understand, but I'm sorry. I am not particularly close to such a girl, so I am troubled, and I am harassed, resented, and glared at by a boy who is jealous and angry at seeing that situation. It was not a good thing.
If I happen to look at a girl, she might think, "Does she like me?" If a man sees me, he might think, "What is this guy, is he a homo?" I was in a situation like that. As the saying goes, "A man's shame is not to refuse a prepared meal," but some people who saw me not being friendly with a girl who seemed to be actively interested in me spread rumors that I was a homo, which was annoying. However, now that I think about it, that was probably caused by my gaze, or it might have been a trick of jealousy.
I wonder what actions they expect of me when I was in elementary school. Elementary school students can't do anything, right? Those who spread rumors and imagine things like that probably have too much imagination. Also, I didn't notice it at the time, but some of the people who spread rumors were actually men who were interested in me. I didn't know anything about the world of BL, but those kinds of expressions, such as "Do you like the same sex? Are you a homo?" are apparently a trigger for events in BL, and there were times when they were trying to subtly invite me into the world of BL, but I am basically not perceptive, so I didn't notice and just ignored it, and I didn't notice the pure feelings of the boy, and I just thought, "What are you talking about?" Sometimes, a male classmate looked sad, which I didn't understand at the time, but maybe it was BL. I am sorry that I couldn't notice it. I am not perceptive to the pure feelings of a girl, and I am not perceptive to the pure feelings of a boy, and I am sorry for that. I am just living a happy and enjoyable life with a smile.
Recently, I remembered the love I felt when I was in elementary school, and just like when I was in elementary school, I smile at all beings and spaces, whether or not there is anything, whether I focus my eyes or not. When I smile like that without any particular reason, I often find that even people I talk to in everyday life, even at this age, misunderstand me as they did when I was young. I am just living with a smile, but I am misunderstood, and I am troubled by how to make my expression. I need to be careful not to make anyone jealous or angry like before, but I don't think it's that much of a concern at this age, so I will be careful. For example, the other day, when I went hiking, a woman of the same age who talked to me was somewhat shy, and of course, there was nothing more than that, but I think that pure feelings exist at any age.

Relatives were quite amusing in retrospect, and my uncle used to tell my family, "Your family is strange," but I took that seriously at the time, believing that "my family was strange and my uncle's family was normal." However, when I moved to Tokyo and saw things objectively, I realized that my relatives seemed normal on the surface, but their family was actually quite strange. I think that when you're in a narrow environment, you don't realize that you yourself are strange. My mother had various complaints about her brother (my mother's brother), and they had a strained relationship. I thought my mother was a normal person at the time, but after moving to Tokyo, I became more objective and realized that my mother was also a strange person. My mother disliked my father's family and repeatedly complained that "my aunt and uncle on my father's side are secretive," which made her resentful. However, from my perspective, my mother was also secretive, and they were both like that. From my perspective, all of my mother's siblings were somewhat strange, and all of my father's siblings were also somewhat strange. My brother was also quite strange and looked down on me (for no reason). I wonder why I was raised surrounded by such strange relatives and family members, and I'm fascinated by the "strangeness" of their arrangement. There were also strange bullying families in the neighborhood who were farmers, and all of their family members were unpleasant people who harassed me and my mother. It seems that it's not just a few people, but that such strange people are strategically placed in various places, both among relatives and family members, and I can only think that this is due to the explicit intervention of a higher power. If it were just a coincidence, there would be a few such people, but the fact that such strange people are strategically placed in key positions is more likely to be due to the intervention of a higher power. I spent my childhood and adolescence surrounded by such strange people, which led to a mental breakdown.

My uncle used to say, "Bring your girlfriend to me. I'll evaluate her face and body. I'll check her facial features, eyes, mouth, etc., and give you a sign of OK or NG. Don't bring me a woman with a crooked nose!" He would say such extremely misogynistic things and make gestures like covering his nose with his hand, which is very rude, immoral, and lacking in character. My aunt, who was a beauty in the local area, would smile and listen to my uncle's words, which was also very strange. At the time, I thought my relatives were normal because they were so confident and proud. So, for a long time, I thought that was just the way things were, but after moving to Tokyo, I realized that my relatives were quite strange. I didn't understand the situation, and I foolishly tried it out at a blind date, which resulted in a painful experience. At the time, I was told these things repeatedly by my relatives, so when I interacted with women at blind dates after moving to Tokyo, I didn't understand the situation at first, and I just followed their instructions and stared at them from head to toe, giving them scores like "X points." The women I stared at noticed my gaze and looked at me with a very strange expression, and they were disgusted. At that time, I realized that it was rude, but I couldn't understand the reason for their "strange expressions," and I didn't understand women's expressions at all. Later, I realized that they were disgusted because I was staring at them. When I was in the countryside, I was surrounded by strange and unusual people, so I didn't realize that these things were strange. Some people might say, "That's obvious. You should look at the person without being noticed!" But I didn't know. I had more contact with strange and unusual people than with normal people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was also mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I was in a state where I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person's morals and way of thinking. Until high school, I had more contact with strange and unusual people, so I didn't understand normal human relationships. I had limited contact with normal people, especially women, so I thought that was normal, and I would stare at them without thinking, which of course made them dislike me. I was mentally unstable, and people avoided me and my normal interactions with others. In reality, the "normal" people in the countryside are only normal within that countryside, and they are considered rude in the city, where there are many unusual people. It might be normal in the countryside. That's why, perhaps because I was in the countryside, my sense of distance from women was different, and I think that in the countryside, people are closer from the beginning, but in the city, you have to be more like a gentleman, especially at first, to build a relationship. However, I thought that the women in the city were distant. This was a turning point in my life, and my subsequent actions would depend on whether I simply applied the values of the countryside and thought, "Those girls are distant," or whether I would learn the sense of distance of people in the city. Alternatively, whether I would think, "I should avoid doing that," or "I should do it without being noticed," would reveal a person

There was a classmate who would sneak up on me during elementary school recess, hit my head repeatedly, and then laugh. I think they were probably imitating the crude programs that were popular at the time, such as "8-ji da yo zen'in shuugou" or "Tonneruzu." The people who made those programs might have thought they were funny, but for the classmate who was being bullied and imitated, it would waste decades of their life. I think the people who made programs that justified making fun of others were incredibly guilty, and if I were King Yama, I would send them to hell. I understand the lack of refinement of the people who made those programs. I learned this later, but television and other mass media have the effect of breaking down barriers between social classes, and Chaplin is a good example. Just as customs that were originally practiced by uneducated classes became shared and generalized with the popularity of mass media, certain forms of bullying that were common in unrefined classes became generalized as a result, leading to social chaos and the creation of many victims like me. In the past, people from different social classes had less interaction, so even if crude bullying was practiced by lower classes, it was considered inappropriate. However, in the homogenized environment of a school, where people from different classes shared the same space, this inappropriate bullying became commonplace, and people who would not normally interact with each other were forced to interact, leading to this situation.

What I learned from this is that while people often say that everyone is equal, in reality, there are many people who are like animals, and there are many terrible people who would repeatedly hit someone's head without feeling anything. On the other hand, there are good people, but they are not all equal. Equality only exists within groups of people who share the same beliefs and understanding. For example, if there are people who believe that "the strong are right," then equality only exists within that group. Similarly, if there are people who share the understanding of "non-violence," then equality only exists within that group. These groups are independent and have no relationship with each other. Therefore, neither group is inherently right, and both are correct within their own groups. So, under the condition that there is agreement, something can be considered correct within a group of the same level, even if it is violence. If there is mutual agreement (not one-sided) that "the strong are right," then it is equal and therefore acceptable. However, I don't want to be involved in situations where there is no agreement. Equality cannot exist between different groups, such as people who believe that the strong are right and people who believe in non-violence. Therefore, it is better to live without interacting with each other. Ultimately, we live in different worlds. There will be worlds where strength is considered justice, and people should be free to live in those worlds. However, in a small world like a school, multiple worlds coexist, and people can be drawn into the worldviews of others, leading to victims. While there may be some benefits to experiencing different worldviews when you are young, and it can sometimes be educational, it becomes difficult to deal with when it goes too far.

In general, the expression "that person is a beast" sounds very rude, but based on my experience, I, as a victim, have experienced it firsthand, so I can definitively say that there are certainly people like beasts in the world.
In the spiritual world, there is a tendency to assume "everyone is good (i.e., all people on Earth are equal)," but you are not equal to people who are like beasts. This is an important point.
However, there is also public opinion to consider, so I would not directly say to someone, "You are a beast-like person."
The reason I say "beast" is because we can't even communicate, so it's a problem before we can even talk or understand each other.
If we can communicate to some extent, then they are no longer "beasts."
If we can't communicate, then simply avoid talking to them, quietly distance yourself, and avoid interacting with them.
The Buddhist principle of "do not associate with immoral people" is also correct in this case.
Since we live in different worlds, we should let them be.
Thinking, "I will reform that terrible person," is ego, and such arrogant feelings will often be shattered.
Since we live in different worlds, we should just leave them alone.
This world is tolerant enough to allow such people to live.
Moreover, this world is vast and tolerant enough for both of us to live independently. Therefore, we should let each other live happily and satisfactorily in our own worlds.
Therefore, "equality" is essentially meaningless, but for people with no morals, the slogan of "equality" is convenient. Even children who don't understand the other person, who live in different worlds, will be treated as equals based on this slogan, so they can use nice-sounding words like "equality," "morality," and "liberalism" to approach and abuse or exploit.
In the end, people of low intelligence are simply trying to get into your good graces by saying something appropriate because they are not satisfied themselves, they are envious of others, and they want to somehow enjoy the benefits. Therefore, it is important to maintain a distance from such vulgar, cunning people with such base intentions and not let your guard down.
The mass media and television are supposed to break down the class system and promote liberalism and equality, but there is no need to take that seriously in this day and age. Even now, the media is still trying to break down the class system, but the result is that it is only used as an excuse by cunning people, causing confusion in the world, especially for children.
While there are good aspects to this, it seems to have a very negative impact, causing trauma for decades, especially for children's living environment.
For adults, it may be fine, but children need to live in a safe environment with people who are similar in terms of morality and class.
If parents have the financial means, they can send their children to private schools or advanced schools, which will protect them in an environment with similar people.
However, in rural areas, there are often no choices, and it tends to be either very good or very bad.

Liberalism advocates the principle of "equality for all," but due to the presence of "animalistic" individuals in society, this is not truly possible. Equality only exists within groups of similar people. Liberalism often cites declarations by U.S. President Lincoln, but these were primarily about equality among Christians, which ultimately promotes equality only within similar groups. Recently, some people have misinterpreted these quotes, simply using them to advocate for universal equality, which complicates the issue. In reality, both liberalism and conservatism are not that different when it comes to this concept of equality within similar groups. They simply use different rhetoric to suit their own purposes and to gain acceptance for their arguments. In reality, both advocate for equality within similar groups, but the difference lies only in whether they promote the slogan of "equality for all" or the protection of conservative values. This perspective reveals the hypocrisy of liberalism. The "equality for all" proclaimed by liberals is fundamentally flawed in a world where "demonic" individuals exist. Nevertheless, liberals attempt to maintain this slogan by creating numerous "categories of exclusion," such as rules, laws, crime, and "outsiders," to exclude a large portion of the population. At least in the decades I experienced, the Japanese education system, which did not create such "categories of exclusion" and simply placed everyone in the same classroom, was not truly liberal, but simply an unmanaged situation. If it were truly liberal, it would have been somewhat better to consistently adhere to liberal principles, but since Japan is not truly liberal, such a thing was not done. Instead, while nominally adopting the banner of liberalism, the field itself often didn't understand what to do. Over time, it has recently become common for students who misbehave or suffer mental breakdowns to be immediately isolated and sent to facilities. This seems to be a policy based on the liberal principle of excluding those who are different. Once isolated and sent to a facility, it becomes difficult to enter university, making it difficult to reintegrate into society. Those who do not obediently follow the liberal principles are excluded as "outsiders," leading to a loss of diversity in society. For example, there are situations where someone who was simply being bullied and was a victim, if they retaliated even slightly, would be isolated and sent to a facility. In such a situation, there is no hope for schools, and one might feel that they do not want to raise their children in Japan. As someone who was a victim of bullying in school, I believe that this situation, which favors the bullies, is hopeless. There was no hope even decades ago, but the current situation seems even more hopeless. This is not just a problem of bullying, but also relates to the hypocrisy and conformity pressure of liberalism.

- Liberalism progresses through the following stages: "diversity (diversity as a preliminary stage to homogenization)" → "(abandoning diversity) homogenization (the ideal is global homogenization)" → "equality among homogeneous people, or, if homogenization is not possible, excluding those who cannot be homogenized to the 'outside of society,' or returning to the beginning and redoing enlightenment."
- Conservatism progresses through the following stages: "diversity" → "division into certain groups (or regions) with a degree of homogeneity" → "equality within (groups or regions) (ensuring diversity between groups)."

- As mentioned above, liberalism fundamentally has a structure based on uniformity. Therefore, even though it emphasizes diversity, it often involves projecting one's own problems onto the surrounding environment. When one's own psyche is not mature, one tends to see one's own problems in others and the environment, which is called projection. Consequently, they often try to turn environmental issues and diversity issues into social problems, engaging in lobbying activities and trying to enact ordinances. However, they are often enthusiastic in their activities without realizing that the root cause is projection. Alternatively, once they realize it, they suddenly become disillusioned and distance themselves from the activities. Liberal activists often have a lot of internal conflicts and tend to argue with each other. This is also rooted in the same fundamental issue: projection. They see problems in other activists and end up arguing with each other. The root cause is that their own psyche is not mature, and therefore they are unable to accept diversity. However, they unconsciously project their own problems onto others and the surrounding environment, which results in them attacking others, the environment, or politics, not as their own problems. For liberals, the first thing to solve is their own psychological problems. I think that if their psyche matures, they will naturally become conservative.

- Conservatives, from the beginning, cultivate people by dividing them and nurturing them according to their abilities. They do not sincerely believe in things like "all people are equal." While they may agree with such statements because society says so, they try to rephrase and reveal the essence of those statements. For example, a famous person said, "People are equal, but there are differences in quality." They agree with statements like those made by Lincoln, but they do not sincerely believe in them.

Here's the translation:

Actually, my mental state in high school wasn't as extreme as Camille's breakdown in the anime Z Gundam, but it was to some extent in a similar state of mental collapse. During classes, my mouth would be "hanging open," and my math teacher would point out how I looked stupid with my mouth open. He would also say things like, "You'll never get into college," emphasizing the word "never" in front of the whole class. However, I did get in, and he would often say things like, "It's just luck, or you barely made it." At the time, my focus was off, and I was always in a hazy, almost unconscious state. A mean girl in the same class would frequently call me "baka" (idiot), and a mean boy would often laugh at me. I was barely holding myself together, trying not to have a mental breakdown, so I think my high school years were generally difficult.

However, when I try to recall those difficult times, those memories don't really come to mind. In the anime, Camille loses his memory at the end and only remembers things from before the difficult period. Actually, I've erased the painful memories of high school and college from my mind, and I barely remember anything. I can't remember the faces or names of my classmates, and I can barely recall the names of people I was close to or liked. Recently, even remembering those people has become difficult.

While it's normal for memories to fade with time, I actively tried to suppress memories of high school after entering college, and I continued to do so after graduating. It wasn't so much that I was selectively erasing memories (including memories of people I liked), but rather that I was completely erasing entire periods of my life. That's why, even if I thought I might have liked someone, I can barely remember them now because that entire period has been erased from my memory. The period was so painful that it was completely wiped from my memory.

I often "reset" my past life and repeated relationships and memories, especially when I was young, and each time, I actively erased those memories. So, even the classmates and university students mentioned in this story, I erased their memories whenever something painful happened. That's why I haven't remembered them for decades. I used to think, "Memories are fleeting, that's just how it is," or I wondered if I might have amnesia. However, I actually had a good memory in elementary school, able to memorize textbooks, so I should have had a good memory in general. But during high school, my mental state deteriorated, making it difficult to remember things. Now that I think about it, it might have been a symptom of a mental illness.

The initial symptoms started in elementary school, and I thought I had three "orbs of light" inside my chest. When I was bullied by classmates or experienced something very painful, I became mentally withdrawn, and one of those orbs would "break." As a result, the "love aura" that spilled out from the broken orb would temporarily restore my mental state. This wasn't just my imagination; I actually remember the feeling of something very important inside my chest breaking and shattering, like a precious person sacrificing themselves, and I felt such a loss that I cried, which temporarily restored my mental state to some extent. However, over time, my mental state continued to weaken.

Other people would say, "That's just your imagination," or "That's not possible," but I think it was real, regardless of what others say. It was as if my very important spirit was breaking, and as each orb broke, my sense of grounding gradually weakened. I had already lost all three orbs in elementary school, so my sense of grounding was almost completely lost, and I became in an unstable mental state. In such a situation, it's difficult to study properly. I managed to get through elementary school and junior high, but when I experienced a similarly difficult situation in high school, I completely broke down.

It wasn't as extreme as Camille's breakdown in the anime, but I remember being in high school, staring blankly out the window, my focus slightly off, my head feeling a little dizzy, my mouth "hanging open," my consciousness hazy, and I was always thinking, "I can't take this anymore. I can't wait to graduate." My mother would often tell me, "Close your mouth. You look stupid." I was in a similar state of mental breakdown even at home. It's natural that studying doesn't progress in such a situation, so I only did the minimum required for the entrance exams, and I was also very passionate about programming as a hobby. I do have some memories of that, but they feel distant and unreal, like just memories without any personal connection. I don't remember them very well. I think I consciously tried to suppress those memories.

And now, I've realized that there are memories I thought I had completely forgotten, such as memories of classmates I probably liked and memories of a girl I had a misunderstanding with in college. I thought I had erased all those memories, but I was surprised to find that I could still remember some of them. They might be deeply buried, and perhaps they haven't surfaced until now.

When I think about it now, I'm amazed that I didn't commit suicide. I probably thought about killing myself hundreds or even thousands of times every day since I was young, but I never actually did it. Perhaps, there was support from a higher power. When I was in elementary school, I dreaded going to school. I would concentrate on each step, barely managing to move one foot in front of the other. I would be exhausted from just the walk to school, and I would always be tense at school. When I got home, I would finally be able to rest a little, and I would always say, "I'm so tired," but my mother never understood and would say, "You're so young, how can you be so tired?" I felt like my spirit was being drained every time I went to school, and I think I was constantly thinking about suicide. It takes a certain amount of resolve and determination to commit suicide, and I think I was just being swept along, unable to muster the will to do it. Even in those situations, I believe that there were probably about five "past wives" (perhaps it's more accurate to say "spirits of former wives from a group soul") constantly supporting me from behind, and even more in the heavens, who would occasionally switch places to provide support. These spirits were a source of spiritual support, and I think that's why I didn't commit suicide. Even when I was having a mental breakdown and acting nonsensically, my "past wives" were always there to support me. I think that love, especially the love of women, is a very powerful thing.

I had several mental breakdowns when I was in elementary school, and it became more severe when I was in high school. Even then, and sometimes now, I feel like I might be cursed. Suddenly, a thought would pop into my head, saying things like, "C, Y, N, C," and I would lose consciousness and go into a trance, with the consciousness of those cursed words occupying my mind. Sometimes, even now, I experience this kind of demonic consciousness, but I try to repel it by reciting the Christian prayer, "Devil, be gone," or simply by focusing my will. This kind of consciousness comes unexpectedly, and I think it's like there are "floating" feelings of murderous intent all around. Thoughts are like clouds, and in this chaotic era, there are murderous thoughts floating everywhere. When I come into contact with them, those feelings of murderous intent suddenly enter my mind. When I was younger, I was more sensitive to spirits, so when I came into contact with those thoughts, I would suddenly see words that I didn't understand, which would then lead to suicidal impulses and frequent depression. In reality, there's no specific target or concrete reason, but even just being exposed to those feelings of murderous intent can lead to suicidal impulses. Now, I understand that it's just a matter of coming into contact with those clouds of murderous intent, but I didn't understand that when I was younger. Those kinds of demonic thoughts should be rejected and kept away. In addition to that, especially when I was in elementary school, I was constantly glared at by classmates and students from other grades, and I think that feeling of murderous intent is still embedded in various parts of my aura. Even recently, if I'm not careful, I can be enveloped in feelings of murderous intent and words for a few seconds, lose consciousness, and go into a trance, during which the consciousness of murderous intent takes over and I say cursed words. That's why I'm especially careful these days to avoid situations like that. Even if I experience a short trance of a few seconds, I rarely lose consciousness completely anymore. Lately, it's more common for me to be on the verge of going into a trance while maintaining consciousness, and even then, I'm careful not to say anything strange, especially when someone is nearby. The people who are close to me know that I sometimes go into a trance, so they understand it to some extent, even if they don't know the exact situation. They usually think that I'm just tired. However, with people who are not as close to me, they might misunderstand and think, "Is she saying cursed words to me? Am I not supposed to be near her? Is there something wrong with me?" So, I'm careful when interacting with people who are not very close to me. Especially when I was young, I often didn't even remember what I was saying, and I would sometimes go into long periods of unconsciousness, during which my body and mouth would move on their own.

I believe that there are many cases in the world where people become obsessed with such demonic thoughts, and then suddenly commit suicide, or take unexpected actions that involve not only themselves but also those around them, creating strange situations. If the motive is something that is dormant in one's own aura, it is possible to gradually address it, but demonic thoughts that float around like clouds are difficult to avoid, and it is difficult to predict when they will appear, so it is like an accident. Therefore, I think it is important to have some knowledge beforehand, and when suddenly possessed by such demonic thoughts, to understand and deal with them as such. When someone suddenly experiences suicidal impulses, those around them should not simply see them as "strange," or as "someone with suicidal or murderous tendencies," but should properly understand the situation and help to dispel the demonic thoughts. If a person who is attacked by such murderous demonic thoughts interprets it as "I am such an evil person," "I am such an ugly person," or "I am a person who has no value to live," they may actually commit suicide, become a murderer, or become a criminal. On the other hand, if they correctly interpret it as "These demonic thoughts are not my own," and say "Demon, begone," they can maintain their mental health. Basically, the more tired one is, the easier it is for these kinds of demonic thoughts to enter, so I try to live a life that avoids excessive fatigue.

By the way, when I use telepathy to explore the true feelings of many people I have interacted with in the past, I often find that I am "⚪︎" by others in many cases. It seems that I have been repeatedly subjected to murderous intent and curses. I am quite noticeable, and yet my attitude is not very good, so I think I may have been perceived that way.

There may have been a long period of learning in order to understand and deal with these kinds of problems and situations. If you observe people who are possessed by demonic thoughts and are in a trance, you will notice that their perspective is off and their consciousness is temporarily far away. In most cases, simply shaking their body or touching their cheek to bring them back to their senses is enough to help them recover. If they do not recover, it is a very serious case.

To put it simply, these problems occur because the aura's defense is broken and the mind is collapsing, which means "I am cursed." I have been cursed by jealousy, envy, and anger from people of the same sex, and by hysteria from people of the opposite sex. This curse breaks down the aura's defense, causes mental breakdown, and as a result, demonic thoughts that float around easily enter and influence me, leading to suicidal impulses.

"I've always thought that it's not about who is saying something, but about the content of what they're saying." However, the arguments of the people who have said various things to me often lack any basis. These people, who I didn't understand, were trying to boost their own self-esteem by putting me down. By engaging with their ridiculous arguments, I significantly lowered my own self-esteem. Now, I realize that it was a waste of time to listen to them. Looking back, I should have adhered to my initial principle: "Judge based solely on the content, and recognize that the reality presented may be incorrect." However, people without morals persistently pressure you, robbing you of your ability to think, and leading to depression. When you try to argue back, they often get angry, yell, or even resort to physical violence. That's why I became unable to speak or argue, and I ended up accepting things. That's why I still don't want to associate with uneducated and unintelligent people. When I was young, I was surrounded by people who used violence or yelling to get their way. Because I lived in the countryside, there was only one school, and there was no escape. Until junior high school, there was only one option. In high school, there were two options, but I avoided the so-called prestigious school that was three hours away because it was too far and tiring to travel to, and because there was a high possibility of being constantly surrounded by malicious and unpleasant bullies on the bus. In a small community in the countryside, you are often made to believe that the opinions within that community are inherently correct. However, I realized after moving to the city that this was a very biased and prejudiced view. Even after realizing this, it took a considerable amount of time to recover my damaged mental state. I wasted a lot of time listening to other people's arbitrary opinions. I was naive and too kind. There are people in the world who are simply stupid or twisted and try to belittle others. These people don't understand concepts like psychological projection, so they naturally believe that what they think is true. For example, when I say something, they often get defensive and turn the blame on me, making me feel like I'm the one who's wrong. However, I now believe that I was actually right. Even if it's not 100% accurate, it's often quite close to the truth. As Buddhism teaches, "Don't associate with immoral people." It's pointless to say anything to immoral people, and if you do, they might hold a grudge, seek revenge, or spread false rumors to make you look bad. Therefore, it's best to keep your distance from such twisted people. It can be difficult to avoid such people in a small community, but it was a learning experience to understand that. It must be very difficult for children who can't escape such situations. It is often said that it is difficult to tell who is the perpetrator and who is the victim in cases of bullying or moral harassment because immoral people have high self-esteem and don't realize that they are harming others. Therefore, it is essential to avoid people who are so unintelligent that they don't even understand what they are doing. There are many people in the world who say things that are incoherent and meaningless, and there are many people who are not worth taking seriously. On the other hand, there are many truly good people who are not in the spotlight, and it would have been better to befriend them. It's important to have the ability to judge people and the intelligence to understand them. In essence, being intelligent leads to a happy life. Therefore, it's natural to choose a partner who is as intelligent as possible. However, if there is too much of a difference, the less intelligent partner might end up wasting the valuable time of the more intelligent one. Therefore, it seems best to choose someone who is on a similar level. In order to choose an intelligent partner, you must first study diligently yourself. Then, it's up to the other person to choose you.

By the way, in this story, the student from T University was thinking, "Why are so many people from completely different worlds appearing in front of me?" She had a much faster intellect than me, was very intelligent, and spoke quickly, twice as fast as me. So, even when she was probably just speaking normally, I often couldn't keep up with her words, and my head would go blank. At that time, I had just moved to Tokyo, I wasn't used to alcohol, and I was weaker to alcohol than I am now. Even a little alcohol would make my head spin, which probably contributed to my inability to process information. Even when she spoke quickly and politely, and logically, if I couldn't understand, I would have a question mark floating in my head, thinking, "What is she talking about?" Also, the idioms were difficult, and her expressions were too sophisticated for me to understand, so communication was difficult, and it felt like we were living in different worlds. Even when I misunderstood something, she would explain it quickly, using her intelligence, and I would think, "Ah, I see." A woman who is not only intelligent but also takes the time to explain things properly is very wonderful. I get excited by women who are more intelligent than me. At that time, I wasn't studying much, and I was not very bright. She would calmly and politely (and quickly) respond to whatever I said, and I could also sense her good upbringing. She seemed to be serious and would respond seriously rather than engaging in casual conversation. At that time, I was also bad at casual conversation, and I would try to make small talk, but she didn't seem to be interested in that kind of thing, and my choice of topics was probably not very good. Sometimes, I would bring up something I had heard somewhere, but the topic would be too ordinary, and she would respond quickly and blandly. This showed the differences in our way of thinking, interests, and upbringing. Even if you're going to make small talk, it seems that a well-educated person prefers a certain level of sophistication in the conversation. Even so, I couldn't understand why such a smart, talented, and kind person would appear in front of me, an ordinary (and, at that time, quite rude) person, several times. However, we only had dinner together in a group about 3 or 4 times. I wondered why she was appearing in front of me again. At that time, I was very curious about why she was there. Well, in the end, I thought that our worlds were too different, and that she probably wouldn't spend much time with someone like me, an ordinary person.

At that time, I was still heavily influenced by the examination period, and I had academic inferiority complexes and prejudices. When I met high-achieving girls, feelings of inferiority would surface, and sometimes, some women made it clear that they looked down on me, which was disheartening. However, it seemed that these academic inferiority complexes were relatively minor in this case, and there were various underlying factors.

During meditation or REM sleep, I was shown options for my future possibilities, with a 30% probability (which is a slightly high difficulty level) that this would be a foreshadowing or a setup for the future. To be honest, the possibilities shown were so unrealistic that I couldn't believe it, and there were many hurdles to overcome to reach that timeline, and all of them were unreasonable. As a premise, there is something set up as a certain "my (new) mission." This girl seems to be involved in connection with that mission. Because of that mission, it seems that about 20 years ago, a foreshadowing was set up in advance. For the sake of future planning, it's better to meet each other when you're young rather than when you're older, so that you can understand each other better. However, until then, we both had things to do, and the timing wasn't right for us to be together all the time, so it was more of a temporary introduction. Therefore, the fact that my consciousness was clouded and I was in a trance-like state at that time, and I couldn't understand what was happening and felt dazed, was apparently due to the intervention of higher spirits, which obscured my consciousness and put a brake on my perception and actions, so that we wouldn't become too close. Looking back, sometimes the words that girl was saying didn't register at all, and I couldn't understand the content, and there were phrases where I couldn't even consciously recognize the words, and I always wondered what that was. I always thought that I couldn't understand idioms or words because I was stupid. However, there is certainly that aspect, but it is obviously an unusual situation that I couldn't even recognize "a, i, u, e, o." Even if it's an unfamiliar expression or dialect, it usually takes time to get used to it and understand it, but the fact that I suddenly couldn't recognize "a, i, u, e, o" in certain parts of the conversation, while having a conversation before and after, is too special a situation. There was no such sudden interruption in perception before or after that, and it wasn't a matter of not listening because I was distracted, but I was concentrating and listening, so it seems that the spirits were judging that "it's better not to understand that," "not yet," and "it's better not to understand that part in order to avoid getting too close," and were controlling and blocking my perception and understanding. A certain degree of consciousness and preparation is necessary for understanding a conversation, and that premise was temporarily removed. Even though I had been having a conversation for a while and a basic understanding should have been established, suddenly I couldn't recognize "a, i, u, e, o" in certain parts of the conversation, which was strange. It seems that everything was being manipulated by the higher spirits.

This story was explained to me in more detail, but I still have doubts and wonder, "Is that really true?" Furthermore, when a certain feeling and expression suddenly arose in me when I parted ways with that person for the last time, it seems that a higher spirit intentionally caused me to take actions that I couldn't understand. In addition, I subconsciously knew that "we wouldn't be able to see each other for a while," so I was saddened by the prospect of a farewell that would last for several decades. While, according to the explanation from a higher level, it might be true, I don't know for sure. There are often times when such things are just imagination, so there's no need to believe them completely, but I don't think it's necessary to deny the possibility. If it really happened, it means that the higher spirit that creates destiny has a plan that far surpasses my understanding. However, it's so far removed from reality that I can't say much about it, and I can't fully believe it. I've had a lot of hardships in the past few decades, but if this is true, it means that the higher spirit that governs destiny has been setting up clues from a long time ago. I'm sure that even if we had continued to be friends, things wouldn't have gone well, and I would have been in a situation where I couldn't handle it, and perhaps it would have been better for that person, but I don't think I could have dealt with it. And that's connected to the future. If this is reality, I would have no choice but to believe in the existence of a higher, unseen world. I already believed in it to some extent, but my certainty would increase significantly. At the moment, it's just an inspiration, so I don't know if it's true, but if it's destiny and a mission, I think it's good to choose it. In my affirmation, I vowed, "I understand. If that is the will of a higher power, I will accept that choice," and I made the choice to accept that destiny. If it's true, my life might progress in that direction. For me, it's destiny, but for a higher power, it's not destiny, but rather the will of that higher power itself. Even if there is such a destiny based on the will of a higher power, at that point, it is only the will of a higher power, and it has not yet become a reality. So, if things don't go according to that destiny, that's just the way it is. For now, I'm just accepting the possibility. If I choose that possibility, I think it's becoming clear what I need to do now and what I should avoid. Now that I've been shown the possibilities for the future, I'm in a state of confusion because I can't determine whether it's true or not. I don't know if the probability at the time I was young was 30% or if it's 30% now, but I think it's probably around 30% in total. At the moment, I seem to be on the right path, and there's a certain possibility that it will happen. Indeed, the situation at that time felt strange, and I didn't understand why I felt and acted in that way at the time. Even if it was a misunderstanding at the time, I didn't realize that it was a misunderstanding, and I continued to think in the same way until recently. But now, I'm finally understanding that my understanding at the time was wrong, and I'm finally understanding why I had such a misunderstanding for so long. It feels like a mystery has finally been solved. Whether it was the actions I took at the time or the misunderstandings I had at the time, everything was intended by the higher spirit, and everything was perfect. I'm finally understanding the intentions of the higher spirit.

I remembered something from that time. I recall that, back then, I was shown the reasons for my actions and the future situation by a spirit, and I understood it at the time, with something like, "This is why you took that action." And now, recently, I was taught the same content from the perspective of a higher spirit, and it matches what I understood decades ago. So, my understanding from decades ago and my current understanding are aligned, which makes me certain that there was intervention from a higher spirit. At the time, I thought, "Hmm... I understand, but is it really true?" But I had completely forgotten about it. This time, the content is quite similar, but it was taught from a different perspective, and the things I understood separately turned out to be the same as what I understood decades ago. So, I have a feeling that it might actually be true. In reality, there were other girls at that party, and it seems that if I had spoken to them, they would have agreed to go out with me. However, a few years later, I was abandoned, and that other girl ended up dating a bureaucrat and eventually got married. It seems that I might have had a chance to be chosen as a playmate by that other girl, because she had only studied until high school and entered a prestigious university, so she wanted to experience romance early on. It seems that her interest in experiencing various things was stronger than finding a truly beloved partner. That was a possibility. However, for that other girl, marriage seemed to be a different matter. When I learned that, I felt a bit strange. And, I was shocked to learn that I would ultimately lose to another man. On the other hand, in that timeline, the relationship with that other girl would not progress, so it seems that the higher spirit's choice was to avoid becoming intimate with her. Whether it's true or not, I don't know. When you know too much about the future, you often end up thinking, "Well, it's okay," from the beginning. But now, I think, "Even if I'm ultimately abandoned, I can have fun for a few years, and it will be a good experience for both of us, and even though it will be sad (knowing that it will end), that's okay." I think I could have had more options back then. There's no need for a relationship to last forever. There are things in the world that are better not to know. However, if I had just become friends with them normally, both girls seemed to be good and would have been happy. But in this case, it seems that there was a purpose for me to become familiar with the first girl in advance, so that I could build a foundation for a deeper relationship in the future. It seems that it is because, when you meet when you are older, it is quite difficult to build a private relationship of trust with that girl, who is reliable and has a strong sense of self. So, there was intervention from a higher spirit, including classmates, during my university years, for the sake of that mission.

Originally, relationships become important in middle age and beyond, but before that, there was relatively free choice. However, if you get too close too soon, the relationship may break down due to immaturity, so it seems that a higher power intervened to create a state of being close but not too close. I didn't really notice it, but every 1-2 years, there were near misses on the street, and it was always a higher power intervening to make us pass each other on the opposite lanes. From her perspective, it was a state of "I see her, but she's always out of reach." Because it continued for so long, she started taking pictures the moment she saw me. ...However, this is still based on speculation, so I'm not sure if it's "true." Indeed, if you think about it, there were times when I felt a strong gaze coming from somewhere on the street. I'm sorry, I'm quite insensitive.

In addition to that, several of my relationships with women seem to have been added to accumulate experience in preparation for a successful relationship with this girl in the end. Apparently, because of my personality, I somehow ended up having a relationship with a "chaste bitch" who I wouldn't normally be interested in, and it seems that if I didn't do anything, there was a risk that I would be too inexperienced and the relationship with the girl I was aiming for would be unsatisfactory. So, it was also to give me some experience in that area.

At first, I understood it from the perspective of whether I could be happy, but in reality, the intention of the higher spirit was the opposite. Of course, happiness is important, but it's secondary. The priority is how to fulfill the mission. The higher consciousness seems to have considered the option of gradually approaching, but if it was impossible to approach the girl I was aiming for directly, it would have been okay to start by getting close to her friends and then approach her. However, she is a serious person, so it was unlikely that she would date her friend's ex-boyfriend. So, that route wouldn't work, and instead of choosing a completely different person, she chose a relatively straightforward path. However, it wasn't possible to immediately get close, so it was necessary to first establish a foundation of trust. That's why she chose such an unusual situation. She is guarded, so she wouldn't understand someone switching from another girl nearby. She seemed to be the type who wouldn't fall for someone unless they were relatively straightforward from the beginning. Even if I showed a slight sign of wavering or wondered "what's going on," she seemed to be suspicious and think "hmm." So, she seems to be a serious person. It's normal to properly assess the other person before dating, but in her case, she seems to be satisfied only if the other person is truly into her, and she wouldn't be satisfied if I seemed like a playboy. So, the higher power seems to have schemed various things to make it memorable. It's difficult to become close to someone you've just met when you're older, so she seems to have made a slightly difficult choice to become acquaintances when she was young. That's what the higher spirit taught me and instructed me to do. I thought, "Ah, is that so... That's an interesting idea. I don't know if it's true, but if that's the instruction, I have no choice but to follow it. Even so, I wonder if we'll become strangers after decades." However, I couldn't take any action that was different from the instruction, because if I tried to do so, my body wouldn't move, so I had no choice but to follow it. However, it seems to be the best option, so there's no problem with it. That's why a brilliant and good girl who lives in a different world suddenly appeared in front of me (temporarily). I wondered, "Why is she here?" But maybe that's what it was. Of course, this is a huge leap, and I don't know if it's true. However, I've written a lot, but compared to the bizarre things that will happen in the future (or might happen), this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Furthermore, to supplement. I used to think of myself as slow-witted, and I am still somewhat slow-witted, but this "slow-wittedness" is not so much about my senses, but rather, it is about the idea that if I can understand the emotions and sensations that I can understand, then others can also understand them. Therefore, it is not so much "slow-wittedness" as "I cannot understand emotions and sensations that I do not know." Even if I feel something, I think that the situation where I cannot interpret it is what is called "slow-wittedness." In the past, I did not know much about love, and therefore, even if I was loved by others, I could not properly feel that love, which is a state of being "slow-witted." That is because I did not know much about love, so I could not understand the emotions and sensations of others. That is what is called "slow-wittedness," and I think that as I come to know love, I can also understand the love of others, and that I become less "slow-witted" as that love deepens. Also, rather than "slow-wittedness," there have been times when, in situations where I feel that "I should not become too close to this person," there is a forced intervention, and my consciousness becomes hazy and I cannot recognize things. This can be said to be "slow-wittedness," but it is more like an intervention from a higher level. The "me" who is alive thinks about things like "happiness" and "fulfillment," but the intervention from a higher level is always prioritized by the mission, and basically does not pay much attention to my feelings, but rather intervenes in an orderly manner. On the other hand, I think, "I really wanted to become close to that person," but the higher level says, "Yes, yes. Because there is a mission. You can't be close to that person," and my intentions are always ignored. Even though it is called a "mission," it is only a mission from the higher level, but for me, it is relatively free, and I can just get along normally without putting too much pressure on myself. First, the higher-level spirit observes and looks at things, and then approaches the person who it thinks is "good." Therefore, it approaches people who seem likely to fulfill the mission, so it is not just about the mission. It reflects personal preferences. Therefore, the other person (at least at the level of the spirit) is supposed to agree with the mission from the higher level, but how much they are aware of it (in their conscious mind) is unknown, and it is often the case that they are not aware of the mission from the higher level, especially at the beginning. In the first place, nothing will happen unless we reconnect after decades, and there is a high possibility that it will be completely unfounded. At that time, we only had a few meals together, so it was not a long or deep relationship, so I am a little worried that their face might have changed so much that I might not recognize them. I think my face is relatively recognizable, so I think they will probably recognize me. In this way, although the possibility is shown to me by the higher level, this kind of thing will not happen unless I agree to it, and even if I agree, there is a possibility that the other person will not agree (at the level of conscious mind or spirit), or that there may be further interventions that will cause it to not go well. Therefore, it is not yet clear whether it will actually become something as strange as what the higher level has instructed. At the present time, it is only one possibility.

In that way, I realized that even my university classmates were being guided by a higher spirit for this purpose. At the time, there were many universities around, but for a period, all the matchmaking events were set up with girls only from T University, which was very strange. It seems that there were repeated interventions from a higher level, involving my classmates, until the person I was targeting participated. The mystery of why only girls from T University were coming to those events was solved. Every time, I wondered, "What is this? It's strange... Again... Why only T University? Why are girls from T University coming to such a minor university's matchmaking event? It would be nice if girls from other universities came," and sometimes I thought it was too biased and suspicious. That's why, even though there were many matchmaking events, not many couples were formed, and the girls from T University were polite but seemed to have a wall around them. This was probably because people who were not originally supposed to be together were being involved for this purpose, and they were not supposed to become couples, so it was difficult to form couples. The matchmaking events were actually set up due to the higher level's reasons, so almost no couples were formed. I was watching this from the sidelines, and at the time, I didn't understand it well and misunderstood it. I wondered, "What is this? The girls from T University don't seem that serious, so why are so many of them coming to these matchmaking events? Everyone seems polite but not really into it, maybe they're just here to watch? They're not even saying they're from T University, they're being vague and talking about universities in Tokyo, it's like they're trying to deceive me, maybe they're just here to see what's going on. Yeah, girls from my university wouldn't be interested in girls from T University." I was very curious and suspicious. In reality, those girls from T University were good people, and they were simply being involved by the higher level's arrangement, so that other girls would also participate without feeling any discomfort, and they were made to think that they were participating of their own free will. If that's the case, then the behavior of those T University girls, who were polite but seemed to have a wall around them and didn't really engage, can be understood. They weren't doing anything strange or having twisted personalities; they were all good people, and they were simply being involved by the higher level's arrangement. The apparent reason was that someone said, "Recently, there's been a lot of talk about the IT revolution and the IT bubble, and I'm interested in the Department of Information Science," so that was the reason on the surface, but in reality, they were probably involved because of the higher level's arrangement. There's no way to verify whether that's true, but if you interpret the information that came from the higher level, it seems that was the case. I don't completely believe it, but it makes sense and resonates with me.

その、高次の設定したイベントが終わったら、突然不思議な合コンは設定されなくなり、また、別の合コンに顔を出すと、それは設定も何もなくて普通の現実で、その現実というのは、どうやら私は「地方出身者」ということで、都内に家がある人に比べて格下の扱いをされるようで、服装も汚かったので、東京に家もなくてお金もなければ相手にされず、大抵の場合に存在しないかのように空気として扱われて、体よくスルーされることが多くなり、であれば、やはり、あの時期が特殊だったのだと思います。今から思えば、女の子にスルーされて相手にされないのも当然だったように思います。同じような男なら、普通は、東京に家のある方を選びますよね。特に性格どうこう関係なくて、普通の感覚ならそうすると思います。その現実を、上京した当初はよくわかっていませんでした。単に非モテかと思っていましたが、実のところ、足元を見られていた、と、そういうことだったわけです。まあ、そういうのはあまり気にしていない子もいたかもしれませんが、顔に出さないだけだったのかもしれませんし、割と基本スルーされていたと思います。基本的な属性が悪い場合は普通に関係性を作るのは難しくて、高次の設定と仕込みがなければなかなか関係性は作れないのかな、と今更ながら思います。思えば、対比として、かなりそういう物質的な傾向の高いところへと一時的に（高次に設定されて）連れて行かれて（底を見せられて）、そういう三高狙いの人も当然の如く大勢いることを学ばせられたのかなとも思います。特定の時期は、それがあまりにもコントラストがはっきりしていました。一方で、誠実は人はたくさんいるわけです。

ちなみに、私と同じ大学の同期だった男が目的のT大の子と高校の同期で、合コンは彼が設定したわけですけど、実のところその同級生の男の人は私の行った大学と似つかないほど優秀で、何もなければ本当はもっと良い大学に行くのが彼の既定路線だったわけですけど、高次から介入があって、当人の頭の中にIT系を学ぶという目的をインプットしてあの大学にわざわざ通うようにさせたのでした。何もなければ私の行った大学なんて偏差値だけを見たらT大生から見向きもされないようなところでしたけど、当時は95年でIT革命が盛んに言われておりましたのでITをしている人には雑多な人がいて、そのようにITを目指す偏差値の高いアーリーアダプターも引き寄せていたわけです。その同期の男の人は高校の同期で信頼されていて、目的の女の子からも信頼されていましたので高次はその男の人に目をつけたのでした。目的があって、かなり頭が良いのにわざわざ偏差値の低いあの大学に入ったあの男の人は同期から目的意識があるということでリスペクトされていたわけですけど、その男の人の通う大学までも変えさせて目的のT大の子を巻き込むように仕向けたわけです。この時は、高次がこの男性の意識に介入して大学までも変えさせましたのでその後のフォローもしていて、本来ならば良い大学に入って良い就職先を見つけるのが既定路線だったようですので、割とあの大学の就職先としては似つかないような、元々行く筈だった就職先と同じかそれよりもちょっと良い職につけるように再度の高次からの介入があって元の路線に戻したそうです。この場合、同期の男の人はとても「いい人」で気遣いもできる優秀な人ですので、お礼としての意味も含めて就職先を高次から介入して支援したようです。

In reality, similar stories exist in various places, and the higher-level spirits that intervene with me are quite mischievous and often make reckless requests. However, when the person involved is a good person, they intervene to create a better situation. Conversely, in the case of bad people, there are times when they intervene to push things towards a completely negative outcome. In such cases, I have intervened in a positive direction and received thanks.

While these stories contain various possibilities, whether these clues are actually true is unknown. Nevertheless, after reflecting on these things, I feel like I have come to understand the concept of "love," so at least that part was not a waste. I have once again realized the importance of understanding emotions correctly. I have always thought that my life, including its failures, is perfect, but if some of these clues are true in the future, it would be too perfect. However, even when such intuitions arise, I think "maybe" about future events until they actually manifest in reality. Indeed, if the possibilities shown to me become a reality, the future would be fulfilling. This clue seems to be more aligned with a larger purpose than a personal one, and although I have seen more specific details, I have not yet reached the grand state that was conveyed to me. Therefore, the encounter during my student days was more of a preliminary meeting as a clue for my future mission. Whether or not that mission is true is unknown, but for now, I am keeping the possibility in mind that such a thing might be possible.

To put it simply (and I'm not sure if it's true), in the future, I will apparently possess assets far beyond what I can imagine now, and as I will mention elsewhere, I will donate to a certain organization. However, that organization will not be able to use all the funds, and if I do nothing, the funds will remain untouched and go to the national treasury when I die. Therefore, I considered ways to utilize the funds effectively, and I thought it would be good to create a new trading company, especially a trading company for women, run by women. I was looking around trading and consulting offices for someone suitable, and I came across a very talented girl who caught my eye, and her appearance and personality were also to my liking, so I decided to go with her. Initially, I tried approaching her directly, but she didn't respond, so I went back in time and tried a more enthusiastic approach, and eventually, I was able to get her to date me and even get married. However, her feelings seemed to be waning due to my overly enthusiastic behavior, which seemed unnatural, so I decided that such a forced approach was not a good idea. I pondered how to make her turn to me, and then I thought, "Why not start dating when we are young?" However, I realized that being young would lead to immaturity and failure. Furthermore, I considered becoming the boyfriend of her friend first, and then, after I had become more mature, approaching her (the one I liked). However, I didn't like the idea of "jumping ships" or having a casual attitude, and I failed in such attempts. It seems that she would only turn to me if I was sincere. Therefore, I decided to first meet her during my university years, and then, since we would have our own things to do, we would temporarily separate. In reality, the mission becomes important for me from middle age onwards, so until then, I would only see her occasionally, like passing by on the street, and then resume contact when I had aged a bit. That is what it seems to be, but what is the reality? I don't know what the future holds. Also, I wonder what "passing by on the street" means? Well, actually, it seems to be literal, and she seems to have noticed me and was taking pictures of me on the street as a record. Even if I say that, how many people do you think live in Tokyo? Even if our living areas are surprisingly close, it doesn't seem to be the case. If that's the case, if we are actually passing by each other on the street, it would be natural to consider it as an intervention by a higher power.

These are related to the events that actually happened during my second or third year of university (around a year or two after I went on a double date with a student from T University). I was shown these events during meditation or REM sleep. Or rather, I remembered them, which is more accurate (although I don't know if it's true). One day in the early 20s, on a holiday (or possibly a weekday), I walked from Hibiya Park towards Yurakucho Station, and then crossed somewhere near the Sugiyacho intersection. I remember being surprised when someone suddenly stopped in front of me and I instinctively dodged to avoid a collision. At the time, I just thought that I was about to collide with someone, but now, when I recall the scene that was shown to me during meditation or REM sleep, I wonder if that person, the girl from T University, was the one I saw. Maybe she was the one who raised one hand slightly and called out to me? Did she look at my face? Could it be that she saw me, came up to me, and stopped? It's been over 10 years, and I didn't notice anything at the time. I was just surprised by the near collision and didn't really look at her face. But maybe she recognized me? No, it's a mystery. At the moment of the near collision, I was just in a panic and didn't think about anything else. But about 30 minutes later, I vaguely remembered something like, "Could that be her?" It was too late. I'm so slow. It's statistically unlikely to bump into someone in a crowded city like this, but there's no proof, and I didn't notice her, so we didn't have a conversation. I think it would have been nice if she had called out my name or tapped my shoulder, but I had only had a few meals with her, so she probably didn't remember my name. Perhaps, she might not have been sure if it was me, given how long it had been. I'm not good at remembering faces, especially women with makeup, so it's difficult to distinguish them. She might not have ignored me, but simply not recognized me. If I think about it, I think she might have been the one. No, I'm really sorry for being so slow. Also, at the time, I was still new to Tokyo, and when I walked around Hibiya, Yurakucho, or Ginza, I would think, "Wow! The buildings and the elevated train tracks are so impressive! The intersections are so big! There are so many people walking around! Ginza is so glamorous!" I was like a country bumpkin visiting the city, and while my gaze might have been slightly directed towards her, I was too busy looking at the scenery to notice the faces of the people around me. In that situation, even if someone suddenly stopped in front of me, I would just be surprised and wouldn't be aware of anything else. I wouldn't be able to recognize their faces. I simply thought, "There are so many people in the city. I need to be careful. I almost bumped into someone." Please understand. No, I can't be sure if that's really what happened. But if it was, I'm sorry. There might have been other times when she recognized me in the city. Again, there's no way to know for sure, but it's unsettling. Maybe she has taken pictures of me several times? Perhaps our living areas are closer than I thought. I didn't notice her, but maybe she has been encountering me every 1 or 2 years, and while I didn't notice, she has been paying attention to me, and she might have thought, "Why do I keep seeing her?" And then, she might have started taking pictures to record it... I had that intuition, but is it true? If we were to meet again, it would be fun. Perhaps, the girl who was taking pictures of something across the intersection while I was riding my bicycle near Hibiya the other day was her? No, probably not. I only glanced at her and didn't look at her face. I just briefly noticed that there was a girl taking pictures. Hmm? I don't know anything about what happened before that. The area around Hibiya and Yurakucho might be a hotspot. No, probably not. This is a story from meditation. If it were real, it would be shocking. Well, I'll just keep an eye on things without taking it too seriously. Sometimes, what we see in meditation is just imagination. Even if it's not real, it's an interesting story. It's fun to imagine, and it would be even more fun if it were real.

I don't know how much that student from T University was aware of the mission at that time, but women are more perceptive than men and can see into the future, so there is a 20% chance that she was somewhat aware of the mission at that point. If that's the case, the reason she became unhappy with me might be because I was too incompetent, not awakened, and had almost no awareness of the mission, so she might have become unhappy with me because I was unaware of the mission. That is a possibility. Alternatively, she might have realized it later. That is also possible. When it comes to fulfilling a mission, those who have a certain level of awareness can quickly tell who it is, but the actual actions related to the mission usually happen when one is older, so the first priority is to develop one's skills. In order to fulfill the final role, it was better to be separated at first. Emotionally, it would be better to be together, but that wouldn't work out in the end. It has been many decades since then, and a perceptive woman might already be aware of the mission.
Well, that's what I think, but what do you think? I don't know if it's true or not.

Also, this matter seems to be related to other timelines as well. In the previous timeline, we became friends, but she was a "cat-like" person, and in this timeline, we clashed very intensely at first, which revealed her true nature. Looking back, I couldn't understand her "cat-like" behavior in the previous timeline, and I always felt uneasy about it. When I decided to redo this timeline, I thought it would be a good opportunity to confirm her true nature. So, when I had a strange attitude and a suspicious expression during our first meal, I didn't understand the background at that time, but now I think it was because of the previous timeline.

Furthermore, I learned that it is not necessary to redo everything to change the timeline, although some familiarity and effort are required. However, the basic principle seems to be to redo everything. But, it seems that for certain independent events, it is possible to intervene and modify them at key points. This involves remembering (or something like that, it's not a normal memory) the "aura" or atmosphere of the modified part, and then restoring and recalling it at key points to modify the timeline only in those specific areas. However, there may be times when things get mixed up and it doesn't work well. In this case, since redoing everything would be too much, they seem to have only replaced certain parts.

In a broad sense, in timelines where one is economically relatively affluent, there seemed to be limits to spiritual growth. In several timelines, I felt the limits of life and decided to "restart." When I made that decision, I thought, "Let's try something drastic and see what happens if I push myself to the absolute bottom of life." As a result of placing people who would inflict severe emotional abuse, bullying, and violence on family and relatives, surrounding me extensively during my youth, surprisingly, it was effective. I was able to re-examine my spiritual side and reach various understandings. In reality, when looking at my youth, the previous affluent timeline had a much better aura, but due to wealth, I became arrogant, making it difficult to achieve spiritual growth in middle age. In this timeline, my aura in my youth was the worst, and I fell to the very bottom. What I realized through that experience is that "one cannot understand the reality of this Earth unless one falls to the very bottom." Even if angels or gods with high vibrations try to explain things, there are things that one cannot understand unless one actually experiences the bottom. And the challenge in this life (timeline) is to fall once and then rise again.

Related to this, it seems that in some of my previous timelines, I had already developed a close relationship with the student from T University. Therefore, even though nothing particular happened in this timeline, she somehow kept having near misses with me or seemed to care about me, which was due to the connection with her from the previous timeline (a parallel world). In that timeline, she was somewhat evasive and I couldn't quite understand her true feelings, but the relationship was relatively deep. However, now that I've decided to restart this timeline, it's a good opportunity to uncover her true feelings, so I intentionally acted strangely at first. As a result, her true self finally became apparent, and I finally understood that even though she was evasive, she was a good person at her core. This finally resolved a long-standing mystery about her true self from the previous timeline. While I think we were basically on good terms in other timelines, I felt that she was hiding something and I couldn't quite understand her true nature, which left me feeling uneasy. However, by contacting her when she was a freshman in university, I was able to understand her true self, which resolved the doubts I had from the past. This happened when we first met, so I didn't realize what it meant at the time, but it seems that she is actually a person with whom I have a deep connection.

In another timeline, I successfully raised the funds as planned, but because she neglected to acquire the business skills and knowledge that were her role, that timeline was considered a "failure" by the higher dimension. We were supposed to have distinct roles: I was responsible for fundraising, and she was responsible for business. However, in a timeline where I was able to raise funds at a young age, she didn't feel like working and became a housewife. Later, she gradually remembered her original role and tried to start a business, but (even though she could have acquired the knowledge by joining a consulting firm as a new graduate), because she was a housewife as a new graduate, she had to do everything herself, which led to stress and she couldn't effectively utilize the funds. So, there were also timelines where, even if I succeeded early, she became a housewife and things didn't go well. In fact, even in the timeline where I raised the funds, I experienced various conflicts and uncertainties, so I wasn't as spiritually advanced or at peace as I am in this current timeline. Based on that, the higher dimension seems to have judged that it's best for us to both work hard to acquire the necessary knowledge, skills, and fundraising abilities until we reach middle age, and then come together to utilize our respective skills in funding and business.

According to the higher dimension's judgment, it seems that while other individuals might have problems such as being motivated by money, having a one-sided love, engaging in predatory relationships, or causing their wives to become angry, the T University student doesn't have any such problems, and in fact, she has a mission assigned to her. Therefore, if I were to marry someone other than her, it would be considered a "bad ending" by the higher dimension (as if the player made the wrong choice in the game of life). So, there are several hurdles that must be overcome to achieve the "ideal ending" (in the game of life), and the first major hurdle is to prevent her from being attracted to someone else. Furthermore, the higher dimension is making unreasonable demands, such as achieving financial independence and other things. It's not enough for us to simply be together; we must both fulfill our respective roles. If I fail to become capable of fundraising, it will be a bad ending, and I will have to restart my life. Similarly, if she doesn't acquire business skills, it will also be a bad ending. It seems that if we fail at anything, we might have to restart our lives. Well, I wonder what will happen.

In order to establish the foundation for that, it can be said that we once hit rock bottom. And now, by hitting rock bottom this time (not just this time), various mysteries that were unclear in the previous timeline are being revealed.

Also, (I am quite skeptical of things like twin souls), perhaps that person has a soul that could be considered a twin soul. The reason I say this is because of things like their sense of fashion, the variety of expressions they have, the complex and often incomprehensible aspects of their personality, and their mannerisms; they are all very similar to me. "So-called" twin souls are, in reality, fragments of the same group soul that have separated. They are souls that are very close to each other, or perhaps have had a long relationship. That's how close their vibrations are. I have rarely met someone like that before.

Furthermore, very recently, when I was in Beppu on a trip, I felt that the child in the car parked in the parking lot that I passed while walking from the restaurant to the hotel was strangely looking at me. I didn't pay much attention and just walked past, but now that I think about it, the car's position was strange for being parked in the parking lot, and it seemed like they were bad at parallel parking, so the car was parked at an angle in a half-hearted state, and it was a suspicious car that seemed to be slightly moving or not moving at all. It was parked halfway in the parking lot. I think they were probably trying to make a U-turn, but then a pedestrian came along, so they were waiting for me to pass. Now that I think about it, that driver might have been that person. Is this overthinking? I don't think I would meet someone like that so far away. But, I'll make a note of it for now.

At that time, I no longer had the will to even think about suicide or death; I was simply in a state of hazy consciousness. I think it takes considerable willpower to even consider suicide. Even when I momentarily think about suicide, a barrage of different thoughts and distractions immediately arise, causing confusion, so I never actually reach the point of considering suicide. I was simply confused, and I was no longer able to concentrate on anything. I did feel affection for my mother, but whenever I tried to do something, I was ridiculed by my father, and I was sometimes hit by my father, and I also experienced what would now be considered emotional abuse and occasional physical abuse from my mother, and I was treated and verbally abused as a "useless child." My mother would repeatedly tell me in front of me, "This child will go to university, earn a lot of money, and give me pocket money, so you must cherish her," and now that I think about it, my mother's motivation seems disgusting, and even if I think that in my heart, it's strange for her to say it repeatedly in front of me. In any case, my mother's motivation for loving me seemed to be based on that. When I talked to other people in the world, they said they had never heard of a mother like that. Of course, there are probably people who think that in their hearts. I don't think affection is just that, but her motivation was too focused on immediate benefits. When I was young, being in such a family for a long time led me to unconsciously associate love with being scolded and hit, and also with "giving." Later, I developed a tendency to not feel love unless I was strictly controlled by women, to not feel love unless I was bound by women's commands, to feel pleasure in being exploited by women, to feel obligated to give women anything they asked for, to be motivated by seeing women happy when I gave them something, to feel pleasure in being used like a "giving boy," even though I knew it, and to end up trying to please women even when it was unrewarded (and to feel more pleasure in unrewarded situations than in rewarded ones). When I tried to please them, I had a dark side to my heart where I was sensitive to the fact that they would notice my desire to be accepted, even though I secretly wanted them to reject and abuse me, and I wanted them to reject me even though I wanted them to accept my feelings. This is a distorted motivation that I tried to hide while trying to please them. As a result, I developed a distorted mental state that made it difficult for me to express my feelings directly or to love people directly. (Although, I didn't actually do as much as I say.) Later, even when a truly good person appeared, it was difficult to have a normal relationship because of that constraint, and conversely, I was often attracted to strange women who would try to control me. It took many years after moving to Tokyo to escape from that control. No matter how I thought about it, a good person was right in front of me, but my body didn't seem to react, and I couldn't be attracted to them to a certain extent. Instead, my body was attracted to strange, emotionally unstable, masochistic, or exploitative women. I struggled with this physiological reaction for a while. I wondered why I couldn't fall in love with wonderful people who occasionally appeared in front of me, and why I was only attracted to strange people. In addition, I thought that truly wonderful women would be made unhappy if they were near me, so I wanted them to find good men and be happy. I had very low self-esteem. Even when I started to like a truly good woman, I had a brake on my actions. Incidentally, according to the explanation in the higher-level guide, my heart was so closed that it wouldn't open unless it was given a shock that felt unrewarded, so I wished for that. In addition to the original cause of the distortion, I wanted unrewarded situations for different reasons, which further strengthened the distortion.

There are people in the world who are the same type as those who ridiculed me in the countryside. After moving to Tokyo, there were people who, without even knowing me, would immediately show an expression of "Ah, it's you! I found you! I've found a convenient target!" and then burst into laughter and adopt a condescending attitude. I realized that there are such people everywhere. Even so, around the time I graduated from university and started working, I began to notice that "this is not right" and started to resist little by little. However, when I resisted, relatives would say things like, "You're the one who's wrong," or "Look around. What's your attitude? You're surrounded by enemies." (This is exactly what they said.) I haven't done anything, but they say that I'm wrong because I resisted and showed a displeased attitude after being laughed at and criticized by relatives, my father, and my brother. It's as if they want me to go back to the way I used to be, quietly accepting their ridicule and behaving like a fool. They look down on me and treat me differently because I'm not being quiet like I used to be. Since I entered university and moved to Tokyo, this relationship has gradually changed. Sometimes, when I return to my parents' home or visit relatives, I don't passively accept their unwarranted criticism and ridicule, but I "get a little irritated" and resist it little by little. In response, relatives say things like, "You're surrounded by enemies." It's clear that the relatives, my father, and my brother who repeatedly engage in unwarranted criticism are the ones at fault. I am made to feel like I am the one at fault, and I am told that I am "surrounded by enemies." Relatives, my father, and my brother have always treated me as "you are wrong," and sometimes they have even said it directly, "You are wrong." For some reason, there are people everywhere who laugh at me, and being in such a strange environment for a long time makes me think that it's normal, and I unconsciously stop thinking and passively accept it.

This strange mental state gradually improved after I graduated from high school and moved out of my parents' home. However, for a while, I was unable to resist my father, my brother, and relatives, and I could only "smile" and follow others, as if passively accepting their criticism. Now that I think about it, I was completely mentally domesticated at that time. I couldn't even resist, and I didn't even have the will to resist. There was a time when I was young and passively accepted the unwarranted criticism and ridicule from my father, my brother, and my relatives. In such a situation, I couldn't feel love properly, and my mental state was so broken that I couldn't study properly.

My mother constantly tried to get me to buy land in the countryside, and hinted that she wanted money from me, trying to get me to spend money. I avoided these requests, but eventually, she became frustrated, developed depression, and her "mentally unstable" aura became overwhelming when she called me. Every time, I would end up staying in bed for several days, or even if I went to school or work, I would have headaches, dizziness, and feel like I was losing consciousness for several days, which hindered my studies and work. I once again realized the power of my mother's "mentally unstable" nature. Every time my mother persistently pressured me about money or land, her "mentally unstable" nature would explode, but I always avoided these conversations on the phone. However, her depression and "mentally unstable" nature continued to escalate, and eventually, I became fed up and told her, "Stop it! Don't call me anymore!" We then switched to email communication, but even that seemed to accelerate her "mentally unstable" behavior in the countryside. It was probably a consequence of her own actions. There's no medicine for a mother like that. Perhaps she had high expectations for me, but I didn't realize it at the time, but now I think I was deliberately failing or disappointing her to lower her expectations. For example, I didn't study much in high school, and I wasn't really motivated to go to university. Even though the world was undergoing an IT revolution, I was forced to study subjects that seemed meaningless, and I was forbidden from working. I now think that if I had dropped out of university and joined an IT venture company, I might have received stock options and become rich by now. However, if I even hinted at such things, my mother would become enraged with her "mentally unstable" power, yelling, "What are you thinking?!" I would be in a state where I couldn't resist, and I couldn't even tell her the truth. I would instinctively create answers that I knew my mother would dismiss as ridiculous, and I would act foolishly, saying, "I want to do this," just to appease her. As expected, my mother would scoff and say, "What are you going to do with that!" and tell me to "do as your mother says." However, my mother didn't trust me enough to confide in her, so I couldn't even tell her what I really wanted. I was afraid that if I told her the truth and she rejected it, I might have a mental breakdown like I did in high school. So, I couldn't tell my mother the truth, and I just gave her some ridiculous, generic answers to avoid conflict, and as usual, I would let her say, "See, if you just listen to your mother, everything will be fine," and I would appease her.

And so, I missed many opportunities, and eventually, I ended up going to a mediocre university and getting a mundane job. Back then, it was the IT bubble era, and I had a part-time job in the web industry, where I received stock options, which was rare at the time. I now think that if I had been more proactive in that field, I could have had a different life. I missed opportunities because of my mother's lack of understanding and controlling behavior. Even if I explained this to her, it would be useless to talk to a person with such traditional values and mental health issues. Also, I wasn't fully aware of the situation at the time, so I couldn't make a firm decision. So, I think I was probably not up to the task. My mother wanted me to be rich, but she missed the opportunity for me to become rich because of her own controlling behavior, so it's a case of self-inflicted misfortune. I mentioned this briefly a while ago, but I'm not sure how much my mother understood. That's the extent of our trust. On the other hand, my mother seems to think she knows me well, but the understanding of a controlling mother towards her child is usually limited.

Nowadays, my mother seems to be disillusioned and has almost given up on me not being able to earn much money. She is now a relatively normal person with mild mental health issues, and our relationship is quite normal. However, things were much more problematic back then. Love is based on family love and other close relationships, and problems tend to arise when love within the family and relatives is distorted. Even recently, she sometimes becomes severely mentally unstable, but I've gotten used to saying "okay" and hanging up the phone, so it doesn't cause as much trouble anymore. In the past, if I didn't deal with her for a long time, her mental instability would worsen, and it was very difficult. Now, she has recovered quite a bit, but I probably won't be able to cure her completely.

Not only my mother, but I was also told various things by others. The story is simple: there are people in this world who think that others should act according to their wishes, and there are people who think that it's "strange" when someone doesn't act as they think. That's all there is to it, and the way of thinking of those people is the problem. These people tend to assert their opinions boldly, so it's easy to be swayed, but it's important to be aware that the opinions of such people are meaningless, and we should just ignore the opinions of such strange people. For example, there's a saying that "a man's shame is not being offered a meal," but if someone who likes me says, "It's strange that you didn't notice her feelings," or "I would have accepted her," I don't care. It may be natural for that person to think that accepting a meal is the norm, but the truth is, I didn't even notice it at the time, and even if I were told that now, I would just say "Huh?" because I wasn't interested in that person. In addition, my relatives, father, and brother told me things that I didn't understand, and I can't even remember what I was laughing at, but it was often for trivial reasons, or sometimes they just looked at my face and laughed for no reason, and as a result, we developed a relationship where my relatives would laugh at me for no reason. That was a very abnormal situation, but I didn't understand what was going on at the time. The people around me would say things as if it were natural, as if I was to blame for not understanding, but I didn't need to pay attention to them. To argue, I would need to understand their claims, but I often couldn't understand what they were thinking, so I couldn't argue, and even if I could, it was just their one-sided claims, so there was no need to take them seriously. I was told various things, but what I was told was nothing special, such as "you're not married" or "you don't have a girlfriend," and it always ended up with "you're a loser." I think that my relatives, father, and brother were probably feeling insecure about themselves, so they were venting their dissatisfaction on someone like me, who was an easy target, to feel superior and boost their self-esteem. I guess I was an easy target. The reason I was criticized and looked down upon was mostly because of "marriage," and I've spent a long time dealing with those trivial relatives, but I did have some affection for them, so there was a combination of love and abuse, love and S, and especially when I was young, I could only feel distorted love as love. After my mental health deteriorated, I became unable to understand the concept of love and couldn't love anyone for a long time.

And, at some point, I became wary of women who approached me. This was because I couldn't tell whether they had genuine affection for me and truly liked me, or whether they were simply approaching me as a target to manipulate. Because I couldn't tell, I would become wary and keep my distance, which I think was a defensive reaction. If they were good people, that was fine, but if they were "hysterical S girls" or "seemingly innocent bitches," I would be wary of them, and I had a long period where I was "afraid of women." I couldn't tell the difference between good women and "seemingly innocent bitches" for a long time.

When I was interested in a woman, I would always be wary of her. I wouldn't approach her too quickly, and sometimes the woman would get irritated by my hesitant attitude. When I saw that irritated attitude, my warning sensors would go off, and I would distance myself. However, that would further upset the woman, and she would always be angry. In my interpretation, she thought I was a "scary guy." But in reality, that irritation was a feeling that arises when anyone falls in love. I didn't understand that at the time. The cycle of becoming irritated when I was wary, distancing myself further, and then the woman becoming even more upset often led to a situation where we couldn't get closer and eventually I would avoid her. On the other hand, "seemingly innocent bitches" who seemed kind would often try to use me or manipulate me, or they might simply not be aware of me at all. I was often drawn to these "seemingly innocent bitches," but I was also rejected, disliked, and sometimes even received harsh treatment. At the time, I should have valued the women who were actually interested in me and who were a little irritated by that, but I thought the "seemingly innocent bitches" were better. I just didn't have a good eye for people. Furthermore, the truly best women wouldn't be irritated; they would simply be sad. But such women were rare, and even when they existed, I would often be wary of them, and nothing would happen, and it would just end.

This is probably because children who are raised by parents of the opposite sex who are victims of domestic violence may have this tendency. I was hit by my mother until I was in junior high school, so I have both affection and a sense of caution towards women. Looking back, there might have been times when I was in the opposite position, where a girl like the one from T University was wary of me, glancing sideways and observing me, wondering whether to reveal her true feelings or what attitude she should take. Perhaps she, too, had some emotional scars. Now that I think about it, I can see that darkness in her demeanor. It takes a lot of studying to get into a university like T, and perhaps she had been studying for a long time. It is also said that there is often pressure from her parents. T University may seem glamorous, but it is not surprising that there are people with emotional scars. While such things are generally resolved after graduating and gaining experience, it is not surprising that even first-year students may still have emotional scars. At the time, I didn't understand these things. However, this understanding is based on my experiences during meditation and flashbacks, so it may have been completely different if I had asked her directly. But it is something that I can no longer verify.

Incidentally, since I moved to Tokyo, my relatives, who didn't have anyone as easy to talk to as me, seem to have started criticizing people around them. For example, a certain relative's uncle started belittling his wife, and she started to get upset and their relationship became strained. Eventually, he quit his self-employed business, and although he used to have a good life, he now lives a withdrawn life on a pension, but then he started being mean to people around him, and he is treated as if he has gone crazy. Furthermore, another relative's uncle used to belittle me, but now he seems to have realized his mistake and has become smaller and more withdrawn. Also, there are people who used to belittle me about marriage and work, but now they are divorced, have quit their IT jobs, and are working part-time jobs like delivery and cleaning, and I wonder what it was that they were saying to me with such a condescending attitude. I think it was mostly because they wanted to boost their self-esteem.

Recently, I often feel that it was a waste of time to associate with such trivial relatives, and I now think that it would have been better to keep the relationship to a minimum. However, at the time, I didn't have a place to belong, and I was looking for a place to be, even if it meant being looked down upon. In that sense, love and slander have been intertwined within me since I was young.

Looking at it this way, it is better not to look down on or act superior to others, even if the other person is a child. Children can grow rapidly and change dramatically, and besides, such behavior is not polite. When you look down on children, it can have a negative impact on them for decades, hindering their potential. It is better to recognize their potential. Children have infinite potential, even as they get older.

Being in such an environment, I gradually developed a "habit" of that kind of behavior, and I often had trouble because I would unintentionally belittle others, which led to conflicts when I was young. I didn't originally have the inherent ability to mock others, but after being treated that way for a long time, I sometimes found myself doing the same thing, which led to self-loathing, and I was troubled by my own unconscious reactions that I couldn't control. So, not only was I being ridiculed, but I was also shocked and depressed by the fact that I was gradually developing the same kind of qualities within me. It was difficult to correct the basic things, such as recognizing my own behavior and trying not to show bad behavior, and I struggled with it for decades. I probably haven't been able to completely correct it yet, and it is still a challenge for the future. My relatives, father, and brother are people who laugh and rejoice at the misfortune of others, especially my father and brother, who seem to enjoy the misfortune of others. When I made a mistake, they would widen their eyes and laugh loudly, and I often conformed to that behavior, and I think that behavior must have influenced me to some extent. Even now, I am still struggling to correct such bad behavior. On the other hand, it has also had a distorted influence on the form of love, especially when I was young, I was often attracted to women who abused me, which is a distorted form of love. I knew it was wrong, but I had a hard time correcting my preferences. No matter what, I was attracted to women with bad personalities, and even when I was drawn to very good girls, I would be hesitant, and conversely, I would sometimes make distorted demands, such as "Why aren't you mistreating me?" to "really good girls," which caused trouble for the girls. Receiving moral harassment and abuse when you are young can lead to long-term struggles, and not only is it harmful, but the tendency to unconsciously imitate and repeat such bad behavior can hinder relationships.

People who are well-raised would never exhibit such rude behavior, so I believe that goodness in a person is based on a fundamental sense of being well-raised. The more one studies, the more the environment changes, and the more well-raised people there are. By studying, one's environment improves, leading to better friends, and consequently, one can find a good partner. Good people generally choose intelligent partners, so in order to be chosen by good people, one must first study diligently. Studying can also help avoid trouble and influences relationships and partner selection. Intelligence shows on one's face, and beauty is also necessary to some extent, but if it's not physically repulsive, the face is not that important. What's more important is intelligence and a good personality. Therefore, in order to meet intelligent people and be chosen by them, it is important to study diligently from a young age. On the other hand, once one has created bad relationships and is facing problems, it is often difficult to correct these fundamental issues as an adult.

Currently, I am experiencing these two conflicting emotions simultaneously, which is a bit troubling. I still have some ingrained feelings of mockery, although it is only a little, and I want to overcome those feelings. At the same time, especially recently, I have been feeling a lot of love and compassion, and sometimes I even feel like crying. It would be better if I only had one of these feelings, but I feel sadness and empathy, while at the same time, the old habit of mockery still comes up a little. It seems that I have not yet completely overcome the influence of the abuse I received when I was young, and sometimes I am troubled by the complexity of my emotions. Recently, the old habits have become less of a problem, so I am usually fine, but sometimes, I am careful that the old habits might surface and be misunderstood by others.

In my case, I was raised by a mother who was well-raised, so I received both the good upbringing and personality of my mother, as well as the bad upbringing and personality of my father and brother. As a result, I have a certain degree of my mother's politeness, but also a certain degree of my father and brother's rudeness and lack of manners. Both of these have been passed down to me. This situation is in line with the plan I made before I was born (i.e., the plan set for me by the Group Soul), which is to "understand the psychology of people in the lower strata and find a path for people at the bottom to become spiritual and grow." Based on the situation of how twisted and jealous some people, like my father, brother, and some relatives, are and how they live while looking down on others, I intended to once put myself in the same bottom position in order to understand the psychology of those people at the bottom, and then to elevate my spirit from that situation and return to my original state. In my current state, this has almost been achieved. Whether it is true or not, the intention of the Group Soul-like entity before my soul was divided was that "people are struggling and want to grow spiritually, but they don't see a path for it." Even if someone wants to grow spiritually, if their mind is still at the bottom, they will remain in pain. Also, there were not many people who had the answer to help them. Therefore, I, as a divided soul, was created to put myself in the bottom position in order to understand the psychology of the people at the bottom, and to find a path to climb out of that situation. My understanding of "love" this time is also in line with that path, and I have learned that if one does not know love, one will make many misunderstandings. In my case, I had this pre-set purpose from the beginning, but in most cases, such a roundabout process is not necessary, and it is better to simply know love from the beginning.

Probably, I was fundamentally naive. Because I was naive, I accepted other people's arbitrary opinions and became confused. I was also in a receptive state to the opinions of immoral people, but I shouldn't have accepted the opinions of immoral people. I have been struggling for a long time, but I finally understood a very simple thing: that I should keep my distance from twisted people. Knowing heart-felt love is only possible in places that are moral, virtuous, and polite, and people at the bottom live with their own sexual desires, and that is perfectly fine for them. So, we should each live our own happy lives without interfering with each other. These are not comparable things, but rather, they are different. Being honest with yourself and choosing the form of love that feels best for you is what makes you happy, and there is no need to criticize others.

I think I have come to understand not only the meaning of heart-felt love, but also that people have different levels of understanding, and that there are different forms of love and happiness at each stage.

It seems that I have become close to many girls through conversations, hobbies, and other activities (without any physical relationships), but in reality, I have only fallen in love a few times. I have finally come to know the difference between love and infatuation, and I feel like I have been born into a different world.

Now, I realize that there are many people in the world who do not know heart-felt love, but they may know about (manipulative) affection. In such a situation where people who know heart-felt love are a minority, it is difficult to ask for (superior) heart-felt love from the other person, so I think it is something to consider. When the other person does not know heart-felt love, especially when young, I tended to think, "Ah, I'm not the one for her," and withdraw. But that was a rather demanding request. Moreover, I was asking for heart-felt love from the other person when I myself did not know heart-felt love to that extent, which was unfair.

Some people seek "spark" in love, but in reality, I think that if your heart is open, you can find a partner relatively easily. People who are seeking "spark" are often saying that their hearts are not open. People whose hearts are open don't often talk about "spark." Of course, there are times when you feel a special "spark" for a particular person, but there are a certain number of people who have their hearts open to some extent without having to say "spark." Such people with open hearts tend to be quickly "sold" in the dating market, and those who are left unsold are often people whose hearts are not as open. Therefore, I think it is natural that people who say things like "what about 'spark'" are not getting married to some extent. I think that if someone approaches me, I am more than happy to be grateful for that alone. It is rude to refuse someone who has approached you because you don't feel "spark," especially to someone who is at a stage where their heart is not usually open. Of course, sincerity is essential, but if a sincere person approaches me, I think it is okay to say yes even if I don't feel "spark" at that moment. On the other hand, people whose hearts are open to some extent (if they are reasonably attractive) can easily make anyone interested and are often popular, so they don't have to worry about such things. It is better to choose a partner who has an open heart. There are many wonderful women like that in Japan. When choosing a partner, rather than whether or not you will fall in love, it is better to base it on whether the other person is sincere, and if you can fall in love, that's a bonus. If the other person's heart is open, that's even better. It's about finding a balance with the other person. If you are not at a similar level, you may burden the other person.

It is important to be aware of one's place and to avoid overthinking things. When I look around, I see that many people who are seeking love and affection in a relationship struggle with relationships, leading to difficulties in marriage or dissatisfaction that results in divorce. On the other hand, there are also people who end up with "good" partners without necessarily experiencing deep love, and they seem to be relatively happy. Perhaps, for some, this is simply the way things are. However, I suspect that people who struggle with romantic relationships often have high expectations of their partners, seeking things like deep love and affection. They may set preconditions for their partners' behavior, which can lead them to avoid approaching others or to reject advances from those who don't meet their expectations. This can also happen in marriage, where one partner may set unrealistic expectations for the other. I believe that it is better to approach someone you like without setting too many conditions, and that if one person loves the other, that may be enough. While it may seem obvious, people often unconsciously set high expectations for their partners, such as "the other person must like me to some extent." However, it may be better to lower these expectations or even eliminate them altogether. Instead, it may be better to judge whether the other person has morals and common sense. In my opinion, if at least one person in a relationship has deep love for their partner, the relationship is likely to be successful. It is difficult to find deep love in someone who does not understand it, so it is important to look for someone with morals and common sense. Over time, even someone with morals may develop some affection, which can lead to a happy relationship.

On the other hand, if you try to love someone who does not even understand affection, you may end up being exploited. Similarly, if your partner knows about affection but is focused on other things, you may not be rewarded, and you may end up giving without receiving, which can lead to a feeling of being exploited. It is important to be aware of this pattern. If you fall in love with someone who lacks morals and common sense, you may end up becoming a "kept woman" or an "ATM," and you may be exploited. This may be noticed and the relationship may end if it happens at the level of affection, but if it happens at the level of deep love, it can be more difficult, and you may be exploited until you are completely broken. This is also why good people, who understand deep love, can be deceived by bad people. It is important to check whether the other person has common sense and morals, and whether they have any affection for you, before approaching them. Even if they have affection, it is important to make sure that it is truly directed towards you. My mother came from a wealthy family, while my father came from the poorest family in town. My father was clearly after my mother's wealth, and he actually exploited her and her family, wasting their money. My mother was often crying. It is important to be aware of this pattern. The current trend of young people getting into debt with host clubs is also related to this. My father was a terrible person who drank, gambled, and womanized, and he was also verbally abusive. He died of illness with only a few thousand yen in his wallet and almost no money in his bank account. He seemed to be having fun, but he was a terrible person who combined poverty and bad luck. He was always talking about money, and my mother was supporting him financially, which caused her a lot of pain. I wonder how my mother managed to stay married to such a terrible man for almost 50 years. Choosing the wrong partner can lead to a difficult life. Perhaps women are too strong and end up supporting their partners. I sometimes find myself attracted to terrible women without realizing it, and I have been in situations where I was about to be taken advantage of or put in danger.

People in lower social strata don't understand the concept of concentration, so they tend to ridicule those who are focused, concentrating, or trying to concentrate. Some even approach people who are concentrating from behind, tap them on the head, and laugh. And when they are told something, they get angry, yell, resort to violence, or engage in bullying.

I used to wonder why I was born into such a terrible family and surrounded by such people. However, when I experienced astral projection and saw the timeline, it became clear that in the initial plan, there was an option to grow up in Tokyo and attend a decent university. However, in that timeline, my ego would have expanded, and my self-esteem would have become unbearably inflated. Therefore, in the timeline I ultimately chose, an environment was created to prevent the expansion of my ego, which also lowered my self-esteem. So, in reality, I was constantly belittled, looked down upon, and laughed at by my father, which was as expected. My father was a high school dropout with no education or manners, but he apparently earned a decent living during the bubble economy, although he was supported by my mother's family. On the other hand, I was also constantly looked down upon and laughed at by my older brother. However, my brother is not very intelligent, and at most, he went to a vocational school. He used to create games when he was young, but he didn't have a full-time job and worked short-term jobs. Eventually, he lacked the skills and relationships to stay in the IT industry, and now he works in unrelated jobs such as delivery, cleaning, and temporary or part-time work. My brother was supposed to be an only child in the initial plan, but when I was considering the timeline, I thought, "I want to learn IT skills, but it's difficult," and suddenly, I don't know where he came from, but my brother's soul appeared in front of me and said, "Shall I become your brother and teach you?" At first, I was suspicious, thinking, "Who is this? Where did you come from? Who are you?" But since I didn't have any other options, I asked him for help. He taught me the IT skills I wanted to learn, but unfortunately, his personality was subtle, and he wasn't very intelligent, so there were some troubles. However, I was able to learn some basic IT skills, so I think it was okay overall. Now, I have achieved my initial goal, so all that remains is a normal relationship with my brother. Furthermore, I was constantly looked down upon and laughed at by certain relatives. These relatives are high school graduates who run their own businesses. Although I think it's admirable that they are successful in their field, they are still high school graduates, and their reasons for looking down on and mocking me are incredibly trivial, such as "not being married" or "not having a girlfriend." Now that I think about it, those reasons are completely irrelevant. However, at the time, I was told the same things by many people, and I felt like I was bad, that I had a problem, and that I was wrong. It's clear that I was constantly looked down upon and ridiculed by people who had no reason to laugh at me, which caused me to lose my self-esteem. However, later, I realized that all of that was actually part of a plan I had made at a higher level, and those people were used to achieve my purpose. They were there to prevent my self-esteem and ego from expanding uncontrollably. On the surface, my father, brother, and some relatives were incredibly terrible, but even that was helping me. All of those people who seemed helpless have now lost their vigor and become insignificant. In the end, they were just trivial people. I believe that only people who are unintelligent and naive can easily look down on and laugh at others. After coming to Tokyo and interacting with many people, I realized that well-bred people respect others and don't ridicule them. They listen carefully to others, understand diverse perspectives, and behave in a dignified manner. Well-bred people are fundamentally different in their behavior. Perhaps, because I was completely ignorant, I was able to learn about the true nature of the world by experiencing everything from the bottom to the upper class.

In this area, as I mentioned before, (although I don't have definitive proof), there are many spiritual guides within the group soul (or fragments of it). They often struggled to understand the problems of the people who came to them for consultation, especially those who were considered low-level or vulgar, and they often found it difficult to provide answers. They couldn't understand why people were so troubled.

Therefore, the group soul intended to solve this mystery by sending the fragments to the very bottom of society, so that they could experience the bottom themselves, understand the lower strata, and then, by gradually ascending the spiritual ladder, figure out how the troubled people could grow.

And the fragment that was created for this purpose was me. This was a very difficult and low-success mission, but if the mission failed, I might have been abandoned by the group soul, or, at worst, my fragment might have been erased. Fortunately, the mission is successful, so I don't have to worry about that.

So, all the connections with these insignificant people and the mental breakdown I experienced were all part of the plan. Now, I no longer want to repeat those experiences, but the knowledge and understanding gained from experiencing the bottom is a valuable asset in life.

Now, I think that having a sense of self-worth is a prerequisite for understanding love, and that at least having a sense of self-worth allows one to engage in some form of romance. That sense of self-worth may be superficial, or physical, or even an illusion, but at least if one has a sense of self-worth, it is possible to engage in a relationship with someone. I think that my father, my brother, and some of my relatives may have been trying to boost my self-esteem by relentlessly verbally abusing me, making me feel like I was funny, and repeatedly suggesting that they were right (with little or no basis). Even if it is a superficial self-suggestion, I think it is possible to have a relationship. However, I think that without true love, or at least affection, a relationship cannot last. If one does not have a sense of self-worth, even if someone loves them, they may think, "Is it really true?" And then, when the other person's feelings begin to fade, they may think, "Ah, they're not really loving me after all," and end up proving their lack of self-worth. I think I may be caught in this pattern, and I also think that some of the girls I have known in the past may have been caught in this pattern, and that they may have rejected me because they could not accept my feelings. The classmate who recommended "Adachi Tsumu" to me in high school may have been doing so because she wanted to be friends with me, but when I tried to suggest that we go on a trip together during a school trip, she made some strange and incomprehensible statements and actions, and took actions that were neither rejecting nor accepting, which I found confusing. Perhaps, if I had known this pattern from the beginning, I could have made statements that would have boosted her self-esteem, and we might have become closer. However, at the time, I could not understand her actions. Furthermore, I now think that the girl from T University, whom I thought had high self-esteem, may not have had such high self-esteem when it came to romance. At the time, I thought, "She's from T University, so she must have 100% self-esteem, and she wouldn't be interested in someone like me." But now, I think it is more appropriate to think that this was not the case, and that in reality, both of us had low self-esteem, and that the girl from T University may have thought, "Ah, they're not really interested in me," and that we were both misunderstanding each other and not seeing reality, but rather thinking about each other in our imaginations. I think I could tell from her expression that she was looking at me and the girl I was talking to, and thinking, "Ah, they're not interested in me, and they must like that girl. They're not going to love me." However, I was surprised and confused by being misunderstood in that way, and I was a little shocked and hurt. I wondered, "What is this?" and I thought, "I'm interested in you, not that girl. I don't want to be misunderstood." However, I was also confused because I thought, "That's strange. I'm not supposed to like them," and I didn't know what to do. I was perplexed and a little shocked and hurt, and I thought, "Is this what they often say, 'You are liked by people you are not interested in, and you are not liked by people you are interested in'?" I was also self-contradictory and didn't understand myself very well.

Whether they have self-esteem, or whether either of them truly understands the concept of love, I think that if either of those were the case, there wouldn't have been so many misunderstandings. Looking back, I think that children who engage in those strange behaviors often have a certain level of low self-esteem (even if it's just in a specific area). If you can identify that specific area in conversation and properly express affirmation with words like, "That's not true. You're wonderful. You're amazing," I think it would lead to successful relationships, whether they're platonic or romantic. Thinking about it, "cute" or "sexy" types are good at this, and they often praise men as a matter of habit. However, it's not just a technique; if you can genuinely identify the area and truly feel that way, and not only feel it but also express it with words, I think you can overcome the trap of low self-esteem and have successful relationships. I've only realized this now, but I've come to understand these things.

The relationship between self-esteem and love is that if you understand love, you will naturally have a constant state of self-esteem without needing a reason. On the other hand, in a state before that, self-esteem becomes dependent on something, and what that something is varies from person to person. It could be beauty, a handsome face, youth, education, career, or even having a girlfriend or being married. This kind of self-esteem, which is based on conditions that are not constant, is the state before understanding love. This can be a healthy form of self-esteem, but it can also be unhealthy. For example, I was unfairly scolded and slandered by my father, brother, and relatives. In some cases, the person who is trying to boost their self-esteem might even put others down. As a result, the person who was putting others down might temporarily have their self-esteem boosted and have successful relationships (temporarily). However, in that state, if the conditions disappear, their self-esteem will decrease, so they need to take some actions or measures to boost their self-esteem. If those measures are healthy, the marriage might last, but if, for example, moral harassment occurs between couples in order to gain self-esteem, the relationship will easily break down. On the other hand, if at least one person reaches the stage of understanding love, they will gradually enter a state of self-esteem that is not dependent on these conditions. In that case, there will be fewer problems. It's a matter of degree, but I think it's safe to say that the less you understand love, the more problems you will have.

By re-experiencing various emotions from my youth, I have come to a new understanding. Surprisingly, my situation at that time seems to have been blessed and full of love. There were many kind girls among my classmates, and in reality, I think that no matter who I chose, I could have had a good and happy life. However, at that time, I didn't think so. I was only drawn to unusual girls, and I often took ambiguous stances, which led to misunderstandings and ultimately, things didn't work out.

These memories of my youth have resurfaced, but most of them were things I had completely forgotten. Whether it was my high school classmates or the people I met in college, I haven't thought about them much in the past few decades. Around the Golden Week holiday in 2023, memories and emotions from my youth spontaneously surfaced. However, while there are memories and emotions that I can recall, there are also many that I cannot remember, even when I try.

By entering university, moving to Tokyo, and living alone, I was finally able to distance myself from my father, relatives, and annoying classmates who had bullied me since high school, and I was finally reaching a point where I could recover my mental state. Even so, I ignored phone calls from classmates who tried to belittle me just like in high school, and I finally reached a state where I could calm my mind. However, the mental damage that had been thoroughly inflicted on me until high school still took time to heal. In my 20s, I had problems, and by my 30s, 80% of them were resolved, but whenever I entered a state of flow at work, painful emotions would surface, making me feel distressed. It wasn't until my late 30s that I could enter a state of flow without feeling distressed, and it wasn't until my 40s that I could say that it was almost completely resolved. When I enter a state of flow, my work efficiency increases and I achieve a sense of unity with the subject, but in that state, emotional channels open, so while my work efficiency increases, various past memories that were dormant are reactivated and resurface, causing a painful state. There were many times when I was suddenly overwhelmed by past memories and entered a trance, losing consciousness for a while. In the past, these trances lasted for hours or even days. Now, I'm surprised that I didn't commit suicide during such a painful period. However, as my mental state recovered, the duration of the trances shortened, from 30 minutes, then 10 minutes, a few minutes, and even seconds, and recently, even if it happens, I can recover in less than 10 seconds, and the state that was once a trance where I lost consciousness is now a state where I can maintain consciousness. Even now, I still experience severe flashbacks from my high school days, and this mental instability has been a major obstacle in my life for decades. In Japanese companies, power harassment is rampant, and sometimes my superiors would try to control me, but I ran away from them. Perhaps, during high school and university, I was so mind-controlled that I couldn't even escape. I had finally escaped the shackles of my father, relatives, and classmates from high school, and I didn't want to be treated like a slave again at the company and have my mental state ruined, so I ran away. People who engage in power harassment criticize those who run away, but it is clear that the perpetrator is at fault, and even if it leaves a stain on one's career, that is unavoidable. During high school, I was so mentally ill that I couldn't even escape, and I lived according to the people around me who thought it was natural for me to be a victim. They would yell at me or belittle me if I didn't follow them, but now I realize that the people who tried to control me or make arbitrary judgments were the ones who were wrong, so there is no need to pay attention to them. I have been misled by people who have a biased way of thinking and try to impose it on others, and who claim that "you are strange" if others don't follow them, and who have an extremely high sense of self-esteem, and who appear to be respectable (but are actually biased). These people think, "Since you are a victim, you should move according to my will," (whether consciously or unconsciously), and try to control others, and if they don't follow them, they say, "You are a strange person (you should move according to my will, you are strange if you don't follow my will)," denying the other person's free will and putting pressure on them to conform, so it is tiring to deal with them, and it lowers one's self-esteem, and they often look down on you, and it is usually pointless to talk to them, and sometimes they even hit you, so it is better to avoid them and run away. After moving to Tokyo and understanding the situation, my mental state finally recovered enough to be able to "run away" in my 20s, and at that point, I was finally no longer a "victim." After that, my mental recovery continued, and I think I recovered to the point where I could achieve a minimum level of recovery and autonomy in my 30s.

No matter what I say, from the outside, I was a "strange person," and I was aware of that. Because I didn't want to cause trouble for good people, I didn't get close to them as much as necessary, in order to protect them. However, from the outside, I might have seemed like a "terrible person." That might also be a self-evaluation stemming from low self-esteem. I am not a Christian, but I have often felt the need to confess to God and ask for forgiveness for "the terrible things I have done." I still feel that way sometimes. Although my mental state has recovered now, I think I did many terrible things to others during the process of recovery. I have many memories of not being able to repay the kindness I received. I feel that I must repay the kindness as much as possible before I die. I feel the need to atone for the terrible things I have done and to repay the kindness I have received. Whether or not I will be forgiven is up to the other person. I don't necessarily think I need to be forgiven, because the other person is not always a good person. However, at least, I think I need to atone and repay the kindness. No matter what I think, there is always an invisible guide who watches over and protects me. Especially when I was young, I think I often angered the guide. Although there were various reasons, I was that kind of person when I was young. Is this just because I have low self-esteem? I feel that way sometimes, but if I just look at the reality, I think I have done many terrible things. Well, maybe I am being too hard on myself. Compared to the people who persistently harassed and bullied me when I was young, my atonement might seem trivial. However, I seem unable to stick to my principles, and I often fail to maintain a good attitude until the end, and sometimes I do things that are not good. Perhaps it's because I was careless. That carelessness created sin, and I feel compelled to atone for it now. If I were a beast, a beast would abuse or beat others as a natural part of its nature. However, I am not supposed to be that kind of person, yet I have done terrible things many times, and I have sometimes hurt people and lacked empathy for others. That is something that would be natural for a beast, so it would not require atonement. However, for a human, atonement is necessary. A beast does not have the awareness of doing something terrible, nor does it have a sense of guilt, so it would simply hurt or rob others without committing suicide. However, because we are human, we feel a sense of guilt and may seek atonement or, in some cases, commit suicide.

そして、今、オーラの防御はほぼ回復し、精神崩壊も回復し、それにより、呪いの98％は解けたように思います。しかし、それでも呪いは未だに私にかかっているようで、それ故に未だに3〜5秒ほどではありますが悪魔的な想念に襲われて、時々、そのままトランスに落ちて意識を失いそうになって、私にかけられた呪いの言葉「しね、しね、しね」という想念に包まれて、その呪いが効力を発揮すると私が意識を失ってトランスに陥ってその呪いの言葉を無意識で口走ってしまいます。その呪いに負けないよう意識を保って堪えたりしていますが、未だに呪いは強い効力を持っているようで、きちんと抵抗するまでの一瞬、心の中と小さな声で一瞬口走り始めたりすることもあります。それは疲れている時やゾーンで意識が深いところに入って精神が表に出ている時に呪いがやってくると影響を受けやすいように思います。精神が表に出ている時はオーラの防御の外に精神が「剥き出し」になっている状態なので影響を受けやすいように思います。そのように、精神が表に出ている時は特に注意が必要なわけです。

最近まで、割とこの種の呪いはほぼ解消できていたと思っていたのですけど、ここに来てハートの愛に目覚めて胸のアナハタ・チャクラ（ハート・チャクラ）が開いたところ、意外に、過渡期として一時的に、この種の呪いに少し以前より敏感になってしまったように思うのです。感じやすい胸の心が、呪いをも感受しやすくなっているようです。胸のハートが「剥き出し」になっているため、呪いに襲われることがハートが開く前に比べて急に増えたように思います。ただ、これは過渡的なものかもしれませんので様子見と言ったところです。ハートが開いたことで意識が広がり、それにより過去の眠っていた記憶が次々に湧き出てきていて、それ故に、オーラの奥底に固まって眠っていた呪いが湧き出てきている、という面もあるように思います。かつて私は同級生などに執拗に虐められて呪われていて、その呪いがオーラにこびりついているようなのです。既にほぼ取れたような気がしておりましたが、まだ残っているとは驚きです。これは、最後の最後で、残っている呪いが解消したことによる過渡期の感情的解放だったのではないかと思うのです。

そして、ハートが開いたことにより最後に一気に呪いが解放された結果、しばらく経ち感情が落ち着いてきた後は、いよいよ呪いからほぼほぼ解消されたように思うのです。長らく自分が呪いにかかっていた自覚があって周囲の人に呪いの言葉を投げかけてしまわないかという心配事がありましたけど、この度、ハートが開いて呪いが解放されて一時期な感情的な不安定な過渡期を経た後に安定したことによりその呪いの最後の残りの部分も8〜9割は解けて、呪いからほぼほぼ解放されたように思うのです。まだ呪いの多少の残りが残り香のように微かにあって完全になくなってはいないですけど、日常生活においてはほぼ心配いらない状態になったように思います。

It's still okay if I am cursed, but I am careful so that the curse doesn't spread to the people around me through the words I use, especially when I am with someone. Until now, I have been very careful, and even now I am somewhat careful, but it seems that I have almost completely stopped unconsciously saying things in a trance. Sometimes I want the people I am close to to understand that even if I say strange things, I am not talking about them. However, it is often difficult to get them to understand this. How much I explain and how much they understand depends on the person. Generally, there are few women who are kind to people like me who are cursed, and (normally, of course), if you are cursed, you become unlucky, so it is better to be alone so that you don't involve the person you like in your curse, and I have not actively looked for a partner for that reason. Even so, the women who are willing to be with me are like goddesses and are precious.

Especially in this life, even if I don't find a partner, my past wives from the group soul are kind and understanding, so I feel that it will be enough if we meet in the afterlife. There are no restrictions in this life regarding this connection, so I think it's okay. A partner with whom I build a relationship of trust that lasts a lifetime will be considerate of me and worry about me, even if I have a mental breakdown or have been acting strangely for the past few decades, and will take care of me. After death, they will support me from the afterlife. I think the love of people, especially the love of women, is truly deep. Even if I find a partner in this life, I hope that we can build a relationship of trust that will last into the future.

Some people say that my past wives are just my imagination, but it is probably true because of the various things that have happened. Since everything is already being seen, there is no point in trying to hide it, and my past wives, who know me so well, are more trustworthy than trusting someone I barely know. There are usually about five of them who are always with me, coming and going. They are always floating around in the room or near me, or having "gossip sessions" with each other. As spirits, my wives are free from financial concerns and can be pure in their feelings. It's easy and happy in its own way, and I don't even need to get married anymore. Especially when I was young, (which may seem like just my imagination), I often had the consciousness of my past wives overlapping with me every night when I went to bed, and I slept in a state of brain ecstasy. At that time, I was mentally suffering, so I needed that kind of comfort. My past wives are always following me with interest, so I am always with them when I go out or travel. Even when I travel alone, I don't feel lonely, and they are often just watching quietly. Sometimes, they have "gossip sessions" and talk about me, and sometimes they tell me (in their minds), "This is good!" or they wonder, "Why is he doing this?" Thinking about my past actions, I am amazed by the depth of love that my past wives had for me, who was so erratic, emotionally unstable, and mentally broken. Even when my heart was at its lowest, I felt that I was always receiving the love and encouragement of my past wives. Since there are no material gains or losses in the afterlife, I am a happy person because there are many people who are with me purely and help me, beyond the relationships of this world. Well, even so, I made my past wives feel lonely for a long time until I realized this, but I have finally become aware of the existence of my past wives who have been watching over and helping me all along.

This time, I've recalled past memories and come to understand love. However, when I was in a state of mental illness, I wasn't in a condition to pursue romance. Back then, I was basically perceived as a "prey" by "clean-cut bitches," and they probably thought that people like me, who are mentally unstable, are easy to manipulate. They would often give me a "smirking" expression, and it seemed like I was just being used for their convenience, rather than being in a genuine romantic relationship.

This "smirking" expression was also seen by people who were trying to take advantage of me, such as those who tried to sell me expensive things, push difficult tasks onto me at work, or try to make me work for low wages and rewards. Because of this, I developed a habit of immediately judging anyone who showed even a hint of this expression as someone who was trying to take advantage of me, and I would secretly and carefully try to escape.

I developed a habit of running away as soon as I sensed something suspicious. During that time, there were actually people who cared about me sincerely, but I was too focused on avoiding suspicious people and didn't realize that I should also be able to distinguish between good and bad people. I missed out on opportunities to connect with truly good people.

Being mentally ill or not knowing true love can waste decades of your life. In reality, I used to think that people with mental health issues like me couldn't have a normal romantic relationship. At most, I thought the best I could hope for was a temporary, platonic connection with someone, leading to misunderstandings and a sense of longing.

Back then, I thought that I wouldn't be able to have a normal romantic relationship, but even that was something that others imposed on me and made me believe. Now, I wonder if I could have been happy by getting to know and connecting with any of the kind people I overlooked because they were inconspicuous and I didn't notice them. It seems that there were actually many wonderful people who were kind to me even when I was mentally ill.

When I was young, I felt like there were very few people I could have a romantic relationship with, but that's not true. In reality, there were many kind people, and I simply didn't have the ability to see them. If that's the case, there were many options, and I should have connected with truly kind people.

Even if others told me, "You're not capable of having a romantic relationship," I now realize that they were simply trying to boost their own self-esteem by putting others down (whether they were aware of it or not). Romance is something that anyone can experience. People who deny that possibility, especially to others, are not genuine. In the past, I would sometimes accept what people said, like "You're not capable of having a romantic relationship," but now I realize that I shouldn't have associated with people who said such cruel things.

Moreover, if the person who said such things was unintelligent, they wouldn't understand the situation or the person's personality. I took their careless and irresponsible opinions too seriously, which was a sign of weakness. I should have simply ignored and let go of such people who said such terrible things.

Now, I can distinguish good people to some extent, and I can make choices in my relationships. There are no problems. Objectively, when I look at the people who have denied me and said things like, "You're not capable of having a romantic relationship," they are often people who are much lower in status than me, working as temporary employees or part-time jobs, or doing suspicious things like delivery or pyramid schemes. Some are simply self-employed or housewives, and others are people from whom I received incomprehensible things. In most cases, I didn't even care about them.

When you study psychology, you learn about concepts like projection, and you realize that the impression you have of others is actually a projection of your own inner self. However, those people who lack knowledge simply express their own impressions to others without thinking about the essence of things. Engaging with such people is a waste of time, and it can have a harmful effect on you, so it's better to avoid them.

Objectively, I am a graduate of a decent university, and my income is higher than the national average. The apartment I live in is small, but the mortgage is paid off, so I can live here with two people, or I can move to a cheaper place. It's difficult to support a housewife in Tokyo, but I can live a normal life if I work together. On the other hand, the people who have said various things to me in the past are, well, I shouldn't judge people based solely on their attributes, but it seems that they are people with lower status and are working in jobs like temporary positions or part-time jobs.

When I was young, I didn't understand these things, and I thought I should treat everyone equally. I naively accepted whatever people said to me. Now, I realize that I was too trusting.

(Timeline 1)
When I was in elementary school, I experienced out-of-body experiences several times, traveling between the past and future, and altering and reconstructing timelines. However, this current timeline is not the original one. In the original timeline, both of my parents moved to the city and worked jobs that allowed them to earn a decent living. But in that timeline, my spiritual growth was not progressing well, and my mental state became quite negative. I abandoned that timeline.

In reality, in that timeline, I had more financial freedom than I do now. In addition to rental income from real estate, I also had the idea of starting an IT business, but I didn't understand IT very well, and it quickly failed. I didn't know how to manage money, and I was tricked by unscrupulous real estate agents who said things like, "If you don't sell it for a lower price, it won't sell," and I gradually lost my assets. My business also failed, and I was in a difficult situation, so I think that timeline reached a dead end and I abandoned it. I had a strong ego and self-esteem, and I was not spiritually successful.

(Timeline 2)
So, I realized that if I wanted to start a business, I should have studied IT more when I was younger, and I decided to redo the timeline from the middle. In the first timeline, I went to a different university, but at that time, through connections with a computer science club, I had some interactions with students from the university I am attending in this timeline. So, while the university I chose in this timeline is lower in ranking than the one I attended in the original timeline, I decided to attend the same university as those people.

I just decided to attend it, but even in this redone timeline, my IT studies didn't progress well. This is because IT is something that cannot be learned solely through school. I graduated, but my understanding was still lacking. In that timeline, I worked as a project manager, but it seemed like a very difficult situation. In that timeline, I also started an online English conversation school, just like I do now, but that also failed, and I was stuck again. I didn't grow spiritually, and I was stuck in my life and spiritually, so I decided to go back further in time and redo the timeline again.

(Timeline 3)
Then, I thought that if I had enough money, I would become arrogant, so I decided to live a life of relative poverty. So, I switched some of the roles within my mother's family, changing the scenario where my mother was originally supposed to move to the city and go to university to a scenario where my younger brother moved to the city and went to university. As a result, I ended up living a peaceful life in the countryside. And I still chose the same university that specializes in IT, but my understanding of IT still didn't progress.

(Timeline 4)
So, I was wondering what to do, and then, for some reason, my brother's soul appeared in front of me, and he said, "Why don't I become your brother and teach you about IT?" I was surprised and thought, "Who is this person? Where did you come from?" But I thought, "Well, okay," and asked him, and as a result, my brother, who wasn't supposed to be there, appeared in this timeline. Thanks to him, my understanding of IT, which I was having trouble with, improved. However, my brother was a troublesome and annoying person, so there were also aspects where I struggled. Nevertheless, I managed to improve my understanding of IT, so I think the initial goal was achieved.

As an extension of that, in this timeline, I was making shooting games on computers during high school, studying programming and enjoying it as a hobby. Then, when I entered university and moved to Tokyo, and entered the IT department, I not only understood things thoroughly, but I also started to feel that the lectures were boring. I think I was a selfish person who would complain if I couldn't understand something, and if I could understand it, I would feel that it was boring.

Now, when I think about university, I think that, looking back, university isn't that important. Ultimately, the university you attend can be changed by your own (higher-level) choices, and even if something is too difficult, you can pass the university entrance exam if it's somewhat beyond your capabilities (with the choices of your higher consciousness).

The high school classmate, a girl who liked "Adachi Tsuyoshi" (and whom I had a slight fondness for), surprisingly entered a fairly good university (considering the level of that high school). However, the truth is (and I would never say this to her), when I was a child, I experienced an out-of-body experience (as a higher spirit) and, transcending time and space, helped her pass the university entrance exam. I gave her inspiration about what would appear on the exam, and during the exam, I sent her images and taught her how to answer, significantly boosting her score and helping her pass. Whether it's true or not is unknown, and even at the time, it was just a feeling.

In reality, it's better not to interfere with others' lives. My higher consciousness (spirit), intending to help, assisted her in passing the university entrance exam. However, I was scolded by guides, who said, "That's not right. It doesn't matter how high the university's ranking is. She was supposed to go to a different university, and her plans were disrupted. While it's a good university, she was supposed to meet certain people at her intended university. However, due to the difference in ranking, her pride became rigid, she judged people based on prejudice, and even when she met those people, they drifted apart. She couldn't build good relationships with the people she was supposed to meet at that university, and she became isolated. Her self-esteem expanded, she became arrogant, and it became difficult for her to live humbly. Her life plan was ruined. You (her higher spirit) did something unnecessary. You shouldn't have helped her with the exam." It seems the point wasn't the university's ranking, but that she was supposed to go to a specific university. Looking back, she seemed to have distanced herself from her classmates from the countryside after entering university, and it seems her consciousness shifted in a different direction, leading her to make a mistake in her life. It seems it's better not to interfere, even if you think you're doing something good. I'm truly sorry for arranging for her to enter a good university.

Whether it's true or not (based on what I was inspired to learn), she later barely graduated, receiving C grades in most subjects because her academic abilities were insufficient. However, because of her pride, she received poor scores in many interviews at good companies, and her arrogance showed on her face, so she failed to get into her first-choice company, as well as all the other listed companies. While it's a fairly good university from a rural perspective, it's a relatively ordinary university within Tokyo. Good companies look at personality, so they didn't want an arrogant woman. It seems her arrogance was so evident that she couldn't even be calm during the interviews.

That girl had a boyfriend, but the man became disgusted with her arrogance and left her. She couldn't find a proper job, and even average companies would have hired her, but her pride wouldn't allow it. She was dissatisfied with her jobs at small companies, and they didn't last long. Also, her family's restaurant in the countryside was old and about to close, and she couldn't return home. She was in a desperate situation, and because of her pride, she couldn't lower her living standards. (Whether this is true or not, I don't know), but afterwards, she supposedly fell into the dark side and started doing nighttime work, such as becoming naked and having children, and ended up cursing her life.

This, if you trace it back, seems to be caused by her attending a university that wasn't right for her. If she had attended a more suitable university and had a normal college life, and met the right people, this wouldn't have happened. It seems that having a slightly good score led her to a university that ruined her life. Whether this is true or not, I don't know, but I've received such information in various situations, so I'm making a note of it.

Well, even so, it's a story that's too perfect, so I feel like it might be my imagination. I'm just making a note of it. Even if it's just my imagination, it seems that the lesson of "avoid unnecessary interference based on scores" is correct, so it seems like a story that (a demon) might have used some convenient material from my head to create a clear story to teach that lesson.

Beasts can transform into humans by persistently approaching, using various arguments to convince them, and exchanging an "aura of goodness." Conversely, "good" people experience mental health issues for decades due to the imposition of a beast's aura.

Beasts claim that "interaction with humans is important," and the public, the media, and liberal educators echo this, making everyone believe it's true. However, this is the logic from the perspective of the beasts. The ones who take things away are the ones who say these things, and they steal energy from "good" people who should be living peacefully.

Therefore, the logic for those who want to protect themselves should be "do not interact with beasts." While interactions between humans at the same level are fine, humans and beasts should not mix.

While pets like dogs and cats often have good auras, beasts disguised as humans are worse than pets; they are like hyenas, so it's better not to interact with them.

In my case, for example, when I was in elementary school, I was (by the teacher's arrangement) placed next to a classmate who was mentally challenged, always emotionally unstable, and constantly muttering. For over half a year, I was continuously having my aura drained. Simply being near that person was incredibly tiring. Conversely, that classmate gradually became more energetic, and their emotional instability improved. The school teacher was happy that the classmate's emotional instability was improving, but I was a victim who was continuously having my aura drained, and I experienced nothing good. Later, some of the classmate's emotional instability transferred to me, making it difficult for me to concentrate on studying and other tasks, and my grades dropped. For me, it was nothing but a terrible experience.

Furthermore, when I joined a company, the department head I was assigned to was mentally unstable and would often yell at the entire floor at the slightest provocation. I didn't want to interact with that person, but eventually, I became too tired and was about to give in to the department head's pressure, so I unintentionally "agreed" with the department head's arguments. Until then, I had drawn a clear line and was careful not to have any "aura" contact with that department head. However, even if it was a social nicety, even a slight "agreement" triggers an "exchange" of auras. At that time, I clearly noticed that an aura line formed between the department head and me, and a part of the department head's aura of mental instability entered me, while my aura entered the department head. As a result, I became mentally unstable, and the department head became "a little" more mentally stable and "a good person." I don't know if the department head understood the situation, but perhaps they thought they were taking care of their subordinate. However, for me, it was a nuisance and a loss. That department head was free to engage in harassment, but around the time a new employee joined, they were told by that person, "That department head is a good person." Apparently, the things I had said to that department head resonated with them to some extent, and they became a "good person" temporarily thanks to receiving my aura. I didn't want to interact with that department head, but they were so persistently and relentlessly aggressive that I became tired, and I blurted out, "(Department head, you are) physiologically unacceptable. You're disgusting." Even for that department head, who was always yelling and harassing, that was shocking, and they seemed to re-evaluate their behavior. However, the essence of such people doesn't change, and after I couldn't endure it and quit the company, they continued to engage in harassment, and there were rumors that I was forced to retire, but I don't know if that's true.

In this way, there are people who are like animals, and they try to use various arguments to "connect" with you and drain your energy. It's best not to interact with such people. Furthermore, the arrogant and malicious feeling of wanting to guide someone will almost always fail, because everyone lives in different worlds. So, it's best to leave them alone. Perhaps, guiding someone can only be done by first descending to their level. Trying to guide someone while remaining at a higher level seems almost like spiritual arrogance. If you want to guide someone, it's acceptable if you first experience that position yourself and then aim for a higher level together. However, there are probably very few people who would go to that extent to help. If looking down from a higher place and guiding someone is considered arrogant, then it's best to leave them alone, because everyone lives in different worlds.

Life is perfect in its entirety, so everyone should live in their own different worlds. Even if it's a life of an animal, it's not a problem if it's among other animals. Humans don't need to be involved in the world of animals. Just like humans generally don't interfere with the fights between animals, humans shouldn't interfere with the lives of animals.

This is a story where children are put in a chaotic zoo-like environment, and adults with liberal ideologies feel self-satisfied while the children suffer. Alternatively, it's a story based on logic alone, with the premise of "making things uniform by mixing them together" (which is something that would never happen). Therefore, there's no need to seriously engage with this and cater to the self-satisfaction of liberals.

There's no need to willingly put yourself in the chaotic vortex of a zoo by "agreeing" with such a story. People have free will, so they have the choice of whether or not to accept that. However, when you are repeatedly and persistently told something in schools, or when you experience undue pressure to conform, you often prioritize that pressure over your own free will. As a result, if you "agree" with such a story, you may be forced to live a difficult life.

Furthermore, "agreeing" has a significant negative impact on your aura. When you are forced to "get along" with people who are like animals, or people who are nothing more than a disguise, once you "agree," a line of aura will form between you and those people with animalistic auras. As a result, the animalistic aura will enter your body. On the other hand, your normal aura will enter the animals, and the animals will become somewhat "normal." However, you will have the animalistic aura entering your body, and once it mixes, it is basically impossible to remove it, so you will suffer for a considerable period of time.

By "agreeing" with such a story, you are essentially identifying yourself with people who are like animals.

Therefore, it's important not to "agree" from the beginning. There is absolutely no need to cater to the arbitrary logic, self-satisfaction, and lack of insight of liberal adults.

You may be thought of as a "bad child" or a "rebellious child" by liberal teachers. However, if your school grades are decent, you will be left alone, so it's better to distance yourself from the liberal teachers' incomprehensible logic.

It is true that "mother complexes" are often seen as a problem for men, but I believe it would be better if society widely recognized and understood that it is primarily a problem for the mother, and a form of abuse by the mother towards the child. At least, with the issue of "mother-in-law harassment" becoming a problem for brides, the underlying issue is the same. There is a situation where resistance to a mother-in-law controlling her daughter-in-law is tolerated, but resistance to a mother controlling her child is still not tolerated. I think there are many children who cannot resist their mothers' control and hysteria. If we don't liberate these children, marriage and childbirth will not increase. In fact, I think that a mother's control is one of the factors contributing to the declining birth rate. This may be difficult for many mothers to understand as something that concerns them personally, but the reason why children don't get married or can't have romantic relationships may be because of their mothers, and that is a form of abuse. The mothers themselves may only think of it as discipline, so they will deny it if they are told it is abuse. In fact, my mother defended her behavior of repeatedly and strongly hitting my head and not giving me food as discipline, even when my classmates' parents pointed out that it was abuse. It may be difficult for her to accept that fact. However, no matter how much the mother tries to justify it, it is abuse. Repeatedly hitting someone is abuse, and even if it is not widely recognized, frequently restricting their actions with hysteria and anger can be considered abuse, just like "mother-in-law harassment" (towards the daughter-in-law).

If this state of control continues for a long time, the child's free will disappears. Initially, there is a smile that expresses "sadness," but eventually, they get used to it, and that emotion becomes normal. The "sadness" disappears from the surface, and only a smile-like expression remains, making it difficult to distinguish from a normal smile. This may be difficult to understand. "Sadness" appears when something is "rejected," but if you are not rejected and continue to act as the other person (the mother, for example) wants, you will rarely be rejected. As long as you follow what your mother says, you can maintain a "smile" without being rejected. As a result, a child who appears to be smiling may actually be mentally ill, and it may be difficult to tell from the outside.

Therefore, it is only during the transitional period that one can notice this kind of "sad smile." Once it becomes stable and the child starts to act as the mother wants, only the "smile" remains, making it difficult to notice. For the mother, the child may seem like a "good child," so it becomes difficult to notice the darkness in the child's heart after the transitional period.

The mother is immature in spirit to the extent that she tries to control others, and the child is sensitive enough to experience "sadness," which could be interpreted as the child being more mature in terms of the age of the soul. In this case, while the mother is obviously older in terms of physical age, the child might be far more mature in terms of the age of the soul and its level of development. Therefore, it seems almost impossible for a mother with an immature soul to understand the feelings of a child with a mature soul.

Looking back, even at gatherings with university students, I initially felt sadness. However, since I assumed I wouldn't be noticed (due to low self-esteem), I decided to be accommodating and act in a way that pleased them. It seems that from their perspective, I appeared to be smiling and happy, perhaps as if I was interested in one of them, but in reality, I had already moved past the sadness, so they may have perceived it that way. I probably wore a "sad smile" for the first 10 to 15 minutes, but then I lost my emotions, and even though my face was still "smiling," it's a contradiction. This is because, while my mind was collapsing and I was losing emotions, my body was naturally and unconsciously producing a "smile" as a biological response. It could be described as a "smile" during a state of mental breakdown or near-breakdown. In reality, I had created this kind of "indifferent, sad" smile countless times in my relationship with my mother. It was just a habitual pattern, and I was probably creating a sad (or seemingly not sad) smile, like a "Gachapin." This likely caused misunderstandings, but in reality, I wasn't smiling; I was sad. These complex feelings probably led others, especially women, to see me as a "troublesome person," and I wasn't often approached. In fact, I think many women's intuition is correct that women should not approach men who have a controlling mother.

I have been meditating and pursuing a state of constant bliss for many years, seeking a reason to be happy.

Furthermore, this kind of maternal control and "mama's boy" behavior casts a dark shadow on morality and social norms. While Japanese people are taught to be aware of "shame" and to say "it's not something to be ashamed of," children who are under their mother's control prioritize escaping that control over feeling shame. For example, they might cheat on tests or engage in unhealthy sexual behavior, or they might deliberately fail tests to disappoint their parents. Some might even suddenly move abroad for a long time, pursuing a career path different from what their mother wants, in order to disappoint her. Even people who wouldn't normally do such things will take extreme actions just to escape their mother's control. The mother, whose morality and social standing have been tarnished, becomes angry and often treats the child as a "bad child," but the child knows that only by disappointing the mother can there be a possibility of the mother truly connecting with them. Therefore, the child wastes their valuable time in the long term, just to disappoint their mother. There is a risk that the mother might abandon the child, but they deliberately disappoint her. They intentionally or unconsciously perform foolish actions that they would not normally do, just to escape their mother's control. The extent of this behavior seems to be proportional to the strength of the mother's control. If the control is strong, they are more likely to take extreme actions. Since they cannot get their mother to understand them through words, and they cannot escape her control without taking extreme actions, it is their last resort. This can lead to foolish extremes, but for talented individuals, it can lead to positive extremes. I know a certain talented person who was probably also controlled by their parents. They initially went to a bank as their parents wanted, but they actually wanted to work for the United Nations. To do that, they needed experience and qualifications, and they wanted to go there after graduating from university, but the path was difficult, so they initially went to the bank as their parents expected. However, they became disillusioned with the bank and eventually quit, somewhat disappointing their parents. After that, they gained experience working abroad for the United Nations, obtained difficult qualifications, and even went to a foreign university. Eventually, they were hired by the United Nations. Perhaps they were also under the control of their parents, but even if they disappoint their parents, truly talented people exceed their parents' expectations. Even without going that far, deliberately failing and disappointing their parents is a common way to escape control. By the way, this talented man later came out as LGBTQ, but in my opinion, he feels that way because his mind is constrained, and his aura is clearly that of a man. I think he will return to his true gender if his mental problems are resolved, so I am observing his progress without telling him. Mental problems are also linked to sexual identity, and even if someone identifies as LGBTQ, it may often be because their sexual awakening is delayed due to their parents' control.

I imagine that, towards the end of World War II, there must have been a certain number of people who were smiling, perhaps because it was too sad.

My grandmother went to the Truk Islands as a nurse at the beginning of the war. Initially, things were good, but the situation gradually worsened, and the ships that my grandmother returned on were all sunk. She said she went at a good time and barely made it back. She also had some happy memories, and when I heard those stories as a child, I simply understood that she was having fun. However, now I think that she may have been smiling because she was too sad, and that smile was a human physiological function or defense mechanism to alleviate that sadness.

As the situation worsened, she couldn't even provide treatment, and she would just carry people into the clinic, lay them down, and ask if they were okay. Then, one after another, people died.

In that sense, when I visited the Chiran Peace Museum, I saw that there was a unit called the "Hogaraka Squad" towards the end of the war, and there were people who went on suicide attacks wearing what appeared to be their normal uniforms. I have visited the museum three times, and when I went when I was young, I simply accepted those smiles as smiles. However, now I think that this type of smile is not a simple smile, but a smile that is the only thing one can do because the sadness has exceeded the limit.

Recently, left-wing people have been saying various things, but I think that these elite members of the suicide attack units, due to their education and the network of military personnel, probably understood the situation very well. Even so, when faced with a situation where they were going to die, there was nothing they could say, so they smiled and died, I think.

Even without going to that extreme, there are situations in modern life where people smile because it is too sad. The smile that comes from being crushed by despair may look like a simple smile, but it is a smile mixed with complex human emotions, and it is not something that is seen often.

I think that those who have experienced this extreme state of smiling can grow as a person.

And even if one has not experienced it, I think that understanding this type of smile, even to a small extent, can deepen one's understanding of one's own and other people's emotions.

Initially, anger and indignation may arise. When one realizes that there is nothing one can do even if one is crushed and angry, one first becomes extremely sad.

Among people who talk about their experiences in war, those who express anger and indignation are still in the initial stages. I think that after overcoming that, they become sad.

And after overcoming sadness, they eventually become happy. This is a situation where the sadness becomes unbearable, and they are overwhelmed by a sense of disappointment so great that even sadness seems insignificant, and they have no choice but to smile.

Simply thinking that they are "happy" when observing this from the outside is too simplistic. People who lack understanding of human emotions cannot comprehend the emotions of others. For example, a bully who says, "But, he was smiling," probably doesn't understand the relationship between sadness and a smile.

The same is true when a business fails. Confidence is shattered, money is lost, and after going through sadness, there may be a situation where one has no choice but to smile.

The same may be true for heartbreak, where there may be situations where one has no choice but to smile.

In reality, there are not many situations in real life where a smile is simply understood as a smile. Only simple people exhibit such simple smiles. However, complex smiles are something that can only be understood after accumulating a certain amount of life experience. Simple people cannot understand complex smiles, and only complex people can understand complex smiles. The smile of a beast-like, savage person is also appropriate in its own way. Complex smiles, such as those expressed by people in the entertainment industry who perform on stage, are attempts to express such complex emotions, but a certain level of understanding is required from the audience.

Therefore, I think that only people who have accumulated life experience and have a certain level of understanding can understand this type of smile.

It is understood that although the scale is different, the structure is the same.

・A mother's attachment to her child (resulting in a mother's love for her child).
・A mother-in-law's attachment to her daughter-in-law (resulting in a mother-in-law's love for her daughter-in-law).
・A father's attachment to his child (resulting in a father's love for his child).
・A husband's attachment to his wife (resulting in a husband's love for his wife).
・A wife's attachment to her husband (resulting in a wife's love for her husband).
・(In imperialism) A subordinate's attachment to the emperor (resulting in the emperor's love for his subordinates).

It is understood that in all of these, as long as loyalty is pledged, there is a relationship of love through attachment.
On the other hand, the reality is that the person being attached to is either obedient or, conversely, may be plotting rebellion, creating a tense relationship.

They also share the commonality that if there is no loyalty, it turns into hatred.

For example, a mother-in-law will view a wife who does not follow her instructions as an enemy.
A mother or father will feel hatred towards a child who does not obey.
A husband who is possessive will feel resentment if his wife does not obey him.
A wife who is controlling will become hysterical if her husband does not obey her.

All of these have the same structure.

Furthermore, in cases where the person is completely mentally enslaved, they may exhibit a "sad smile" and barely prevent mental breakdown, while seemingly living happily.

Thinking back, there was a time when I was bullied in kindergarten and was so sad that I could only force myself to smile. Or, when I was in elementary school, I was persistently harassed by my classmates, who treated me like a girl, even though I was a boy. At that time, I think I lost my memories quite early. Sometimes, I would lose my memories as soon as I went to sleep at night, and I would quickly forget the things that happened the day before, such as being bullied by my classmates or having a heated argument and fighting back, and I would act normally the next day.

At that time, I thought that I was good at moving on quickly, or maybe I was just forgetful. But I think this is a defense mechanism to protect my mind. Especially during high school, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, like Kamille from Z Gundam. But even before that, there were signs of it, and I often forgot things from the day before and had a terrible memory. However, I could memorize textbooks perfectly, so my memory itself wasn't that bad. But I would quickly forget the painful things.

Sometimes, I would talk to a friend I had just had a fight with, as if nothing had happened, and I wouldn't remember what happened yesterday, while my friend was still angry. Actually, that friend wasn't really a friend, just a classmate. But only the good memories remain, and the bad memories are gradually forgotten. I was persistently bullied, and it was painful. But because I would quickly forget it, the bullies and other classmates would smirk and take advantage of me, and they would harass me in a disgusting way, like a girl. There are so many disgusting men in the world, it's unbelievable.

However, I can vaguely remember the faces of the people who bullied me, but I can't really picture them, and I quickly forgot their names. I think this is a human defense mechanism.

Regarding the people who bullied me, it's like it's not even important, and it's completely erased from my memory. It's been completely erased from my memory to this extent, so it's not a trauma, and I don't have flashbacks, and even if I try to remember, I can't. I still remember things that are worth remembering, and I sometimes remember things that need to be fixed, or I have flashbacks of traumatic events. But I have almost no memory of the people who bullied me. I haven't checked with my childhood friends, but it's as if the timeline has been rewritten, and those painful past experiences, along with the bullies, have disappeared. No matter how much I try to remember, I can't, so I think that being bullied is so meaningless and worthless that it doesn't even need to be remembered.

Therefore, the fact that I was persistently bullied is true, but due to people's defense mechanisms, I have completely forgotten their faces, names, and the content of their statements. In that case, it can be said that even before the time when I experienced a mental breakdown like Camille in high school, there were signs of it from elementary school.

As mentioned earlier, some classmates and certain teachers in the same classroom were constantly making fun of me, and I had a very uncomfortable and unpleasant high school life. Afterwards, it seems that the issue of the teacher's behavior towards me became a problem among the staff, and I was suddenly transferred at the end of my first year. At that time, she seemed to realize her mistake, but by then, I had already given up on her and was ignoring her. However, she suddenly started treating me with a "hesitant" attitude. However, after constantly making fun of me and some classmates also joined in, encouraging the situation where teachers and students would laugh at me whenever I made a mistake, what is the point of trying to cover it up now? However, even in that school, some self-correcting mechanisms seemed to be working during staff meetings.

And then, unbelievably, and perhaps due to a misunderstanding, that classmate called me after graduation, and she continued to act in the same mocking and condescending manner, making unpleasant and hateful remarks. So, the day after I received the call, I canceled my mobile phone contract and felt relieved.

I really, really don't want to associate with foolish people. Not just foolish people, but people who, without any basis, look down on others or think it's okay to laugh at them, in other words, people whose minds are not normal, I don't want to have anything to do with them.

And, when you are in a stressful environment where you are constantly laughed at or subjected to violence by those around you, even small things can trigger panic and trauma, making it impossible to study properly. Your grades don't improve, and you can't even understand what the teacher is saying or what is written on the blackboard. Even though you can normally read Japanese, you can't read the math problems (you can't understand the content), and when you say, "What does that mean?" the same classmates laugh and look down on you, and even the teacher joins in with a thin smile, mocking you, which further triggers panic and trauma, making it impossible to process the text and think. And, later, when you come to your senses, you realize it's just a normal Japanese problem, but you would experience panic attacks and be unable to think in front of those classmates and some teachers.

Even when I was working on game development, which was my hobby, I was able to overcome trauma and panic by being extremely focused on programming. However, on the other hand, I experienced panic attacks during monotonous school classes. When I tried to concentrate on something like a problem in class, or tried to understand or memorize it, I felt like my brain was breaking, and suddenly I would be overwhelmed by panic, and my vision would be filled with certain images and traumas, and I would fall into an unclear state of trance even during class. To avoid this, I had to avoid "concentrating" too much, which led to a very tiring daily life. Therefore, compared to when I was in junior high school, it took an abnormally long time to memorize and understand things, and my studies didn't progress. Because, whenever I tried to memorize something, panic symptoms would suddenly appear, and when I tried to understand or think about a solution, panic symptoms would appear again, making it impossible to study at all. Eventually, I became so tired of dealing with panic attacks that I would just fall asleep.

Those classmates and teachers were, in a sense, mocking and hindering others. There are people like that in this world. I think that people who are so low as to make fun of others are simply living honestly according to their own way of life. Therefore, there is a life for each person, even for those who are vulgar. However, if you associate with people who are so low that they can laugh at others and enjoy it, you will only be the one who suffers. So, it's better for vulgar people to insult each other, and it's better to cut off relationships with those vulgar people, literally.

During high school, I endured everything, and as soon as I entered university, I immediately cut off all ties. However, this is not simply because I am someone who "eagerly wants to reset relationships," but rather because I endured for three years during high school with the thought that "if I endure, I will be able to cut ties with these ridiculous classmates when I enter university," and that finally came to fruition. That "resetting of relationships with people from high school" was the result of several years of thought and decision-making, and it was certainly not something done impulsively.

Sometimes, relationships are discussed in the context of "resetting relationships is not good," but what is the point of associating with people who are so comfortable with belittling others? It is a waste of time and only damages one's mental state, so the only option is to distance oneself. There is no room for doubt about that. Moreover, even just hearing the voices or seeing the faces of those friends and teachers triggered panic attacks at the time, so the only way to recover mentally was to "distance myself."

If you look at it from a different perspective, you could say that we were never really friends in the first place. Someone who laughs at and belittles classmates, distorts their perception, and causes panic attacks is nothing more than a degenerate, and they are not friends. Therefore, it was not so much a matter of cutting off the relationship as the fact that those classmates mistakenly thought we were friends, while I never thought of them as friends from the beginning. Others were even worse, so I had no choice but to talk to the relatively better ones and pretend to be friends. Since I didn't think of them as friends in the first place, it was not so much a matter of resetting relationships as the fact that we were never really friends, and it is a story of how those classmates mistakenly thought we were friends while laughing at them. It can be interpreted that way. Although there are many things I have forgotten from that time, I think that even then, they were not really good friends.

Objectively, the situation where "that classmate laughed at and looked down on me with the consent of the teacher," and the opposite was never the case, is clearly wrong. It is completely wrong for me to accept that situation (where the classmate belittled me), and it is essentially a rejection. However, whether it was the classmate or the school teacher, if you did not accept that attitude of belittling, they would adopt an attitude of "you are stupid," and the teacher would also join in belittling the classmate and me. The teacher was also an ignorant and low-level person, and the same goes for the classmates.

To begin with, I absolutely could not imitate the behavior of that classmate, which was vulgar and rude to belittle others. However, that teacher and the classmates seemed to think that my words were not vulgar or anything, and they seemed to be people from a completely different world, lower class people.

Whenever I said something, the classmates would "explode" and start laughing mockingly at a tremendous volume, and my words were often interrupted or denied through unspoken pressure and sometimes violence. As the situation escalated, the classmates would laugh mockingly at me at a volume that echoed throughout the classroom, sometimes loud enough to be heard in the next classroom. This "bullying" was happening with the "consent" of the teacher.

I endured that environment until I graduated from high school, and I finally managed to cut off those relationships when I entered university and moved to Tokyo.

The classmates who had ridiculed me so much eventually entered a relatively unknown university with a low academic score of around 45. (Although university alone doesn't define a person,) the fact that the person who had been continuously ridiculing me for several years was only that level of person is, I think, a testament to how much I was troubled by such a trivial person. I had no need to associate with people who are not only unintelligent but also have bad manners, are rude, and think it's natural to laugh mockingly at others. I had no reason to be troubled by them, and they were clearly residents of a completely different world from the peaceful world I wanted to live in. That was a world of the lower class, the bottom, and I had a glimpse of it.

I do not deny that there is a world of the lower class where people laugh mockingly at others. Those people can freely ridicule and belittle others, feeling self-satisfied and enjoying their daily lives. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss," and they will probably be able to live their lives happily. Since it is a life that is beyond their means, it is a very wonderful thing.

However, I want you to have absolutely no contact with me. I will not waste my time with trivial people.

It is a basic principle, regardless of gender, that people do not want to associate with unintelligent people. I absolutely do not want to associate with people who look down on others, laugh at them, and belittle them. During high school, I had no choice but to associate with them as a conversational partner because there was no escape. But as soon as I entered university and gained the "freedom to choose relationships," I immediately distanced myself from them.

I took the "Second-class Information Processing Technician Examination" (commonly known as "2nd class"), which is an IT qualification offered by the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry, during my high school years. Now, it's called the Basic Information Technology Engineer Examination, but I obtained this qualification in the spring of my third year of high school, and around the same time, I also obtained the 1st-class Information Processing Examination offered by some organization. Even so, my math teacher didn't acknowledge me and belittled me, saying things like, "You probably just barely passed," and he didn't seem to accept that I had passed the qualification. For adults, the 2nd class (which is now the "Basic") isn't that difficult, but if you take it in high school, it's only natural that you have to study IT to some extent. In my case, I was studying BASIC and assembly languages on my own to create games, so I naturally had to study things like database systems and server capacity calculations on paper, but I had acquired the basic concepts of algorithms when I created games, so I also studied for the exam, and I tried to figure out the answers during the exam. I didn't have much confidence in the quality of my answers, so I felt like I might have barely passed. In any case, I passed the exam. However, even after obtaining these qualifications, the evaluation of me by my classmates and teachers at school didn't change. This is because, at that time, IT technology was still in its early stages, and almost no teachers understood the difficulty level of these qualifications. The difficulty level is basic, so it's elementary content for professionals, but even so, it's a decent level for high school students.

In addition, (again, this may not seem like much to adults), I obtained the English Proficiency Test (Eiken) 2nd level (not the quasi-2nd level) in my third year of high school. However, my English teacher repeatedly pointed out to me, in a nagging and annoying way, that "You're just memorizing, so you don't understand," and it was very stressful. When I passed the Eiken 2nd level, the order of the English teacher's evaluation of her students changed. She used to praise the English skills of the students she was paying attention to during class, but those students all failed the 2nd level and only passed the quasi-2nd level, while I, who she had openly told that "You're no good," passed the 2nd level. As a result, the English teacher became embarrassed and started avoiding me. There are cases like this.

Whether it's teachers or some of my classmates, the people who relentlessly made fun of me in the classroom and elsewhere consistently had lower grades than me, and I find myself wondering, "What is this?" I think that perhaps, because they are not intelligent, they feel justified in pointing out and belittling others. I think that if they spent the time they spent pointing out and belittling others studying, they would be better off.

As for me, I was able to study IT at home without any distractions, which I was satisfied with. I also created two shooting games in high school (using assembly language). In reality, shooting games involve various movements of enemies, such as spirals and straight lines, so I used mathematical knowledge to calculate their trajectories. I drew graphs on paper and compared the mathematical graphs with the programming, and I thought, "This doesn't work, or that doesn't work." I not only studied mathematical graphs but also practically applied them to programming, considering sines and cosines to achieve what I wanted.

In reality, I wasn't studying very seriously for the entrance exams, but in the entrance exam for the university I was accepted to, there were many questions specifically about the graphs of trajectories, and the way of thinking was similar to what I used when creating shooting games, so it was a relatively strong area for me, and I think I was able to answer them reasonably well. For other universities' entrance exams, I had no interest in probability problems, so I did poorly and was unstable. However, at least, the mathematical fields I studied for making games were useful in the entrance exams.

As for English, I consistently studied it because I thought it would be necessary for my future, but I wasn't particularly good at it, but I think I did reasonably well on the entrance exams.

When I compare myself to the people who relentlessly made fun of me in high school, I think that ultimately, relying on objective criteria is the best approach. I have passed two IT certifications, and one of them is a national qualification. On the other hand, among my classmates, there was no one in the computer club who had obtained the same certifications. I also passed the EIKEN Level 2, and I think I was better at English than the classmates who made fun of me. (However, I think that the women were indeed better at English speaking and listening.) Also, the classmate who relentlessly made fun of me went to a university with a偏差値 (deviation) of 45, which is considered a lower-ranked university, so once again, their grades were lower than mine.

I really wonder, what exactly is going on here. No matter how objectively I compare my "qualifications" or "test" results, I am relentlessly laughed at and looked down upon by people who seem less intelligent than me. As a result, why must I be relentlessly bullied and abused until I become depressed and my mental state breaks down?

Certainly, I didn't study that hard in school, and when I look around, there are so many excellent people, so I'm not particularly intelligent, and I didn't go to a very good university. Also, even though I obtained a qualification, it's just "so-so" for high school students, and it's only a basic-level qualification in general. Nevertheless, I struggle to understand why I have to be constantly ridiculed by people who are clearly of a lower level than me.

In the end, the people who ridiculed me went to vocational schools, got jobs after high school, or attended "F" schools. I think that it is because they are people with low intelligence that they can calmly and nonchalantly ridicule others. There were many normal people among my classmates, so not everyone was like that, but even so, I was troubled by people with such harsh and unpleasant personalities for a long time during high school.

Of course, there are spiritual reasons for what happened, but generally, people who can calmly and nonchalantly engage in such bullying do not have a healthy mental state, so it is truly better to ignore them.

This child, while looking directly at me, would smile and adopt a condescending attitude. Although she didn't say anything, her expressions were very clear. She was a woman who, even though we hardly ever spoke, would always smile and make a disgusting, condescending face whenever we passed each other. Later, when I was attending university, I happened to visit a certain hot spring (a type of public bathhouse) in the same prefecture, and I saw her getting a massage in the massage corner. We made eye contact for a moment, but I wasn't interested and quickly looked away.

It seems that this woman, who always smiled and looked down on me, got a job after graduating high school. I'm not saying that being a massage therapist is a low-class job, but at least she didn't go to university and started working early. Perhaps she had family circumstances, but if she had a certain level of intelligence, she should have found a job in an office or something. Now that I think about it, that child was in a class with people who weren't very bright, and I think that there's a side to it where people who are unintelligent can smile and look down on others because they don't think anything of it.

In that way, I wasted time during high school being troubled by people who were unintelligent, insignificant, that I didn't need to worry about, and who were irrelevant to me, and who were not worth my concern. It was truly a waste of time.

"Friends are people you must associate with," and similar phrases are, for someone who has been bullied, often nonsensical words that should not be taken seriously. There is no need to genuinely and reluctantly associate with such people.

There are people in this world who are so low that they belittle others and laugh at them. Therefore, there is no need to associate with people based on arbitrary reasons that are convenient for adults, such as "because we live in the same area," "because we are classmates," "because we attended the same daycare," or "because we attended the same kindergarten." Such phrases like "friends are people you must associate with" are nonsensical.

People with similar levels of thinking should associate with people who have similar thoughts and values, and friends should be like that. Ideally, schools themselves should have such divisions, and it seems that in urban areas, schools are somewhat divided based on this principle. However, in rural areas, there are simply fewer schools, so everyone is thrown into the same school, creating a zoo-like environment. In such a mixed environment, people who are so low that they sneak up on classmates from behind and suddenly hit their heads while laughing and making strange noises are like "beasts in human skin." In such a zoo, it is the adults' arbitrary convenience to say that you "must get along" or "must associate" with such "beasts." For teachers, this may be a criterion for evaluation, but for children, it means having to deal with beasts endlessly, which can break their mental state.

I think I have spent an enormous amount of wasted time, but ultimately, the reason I ended up spending time in the same classroom as these "beasts" in a zoo was because I wanted to "understand the bottom of this world" and "understand the feelings and logic of people who are struggling in this world." Therefore, I think it is true that "everything will be realized as you wish."

Now, that purpose has been achieved, so there is no need to spend time in such a zoo. Therefore, if someone like a "beast" approaches, you simply don't need to associate with them.

If, for some reason, you absolutely have to associate with someone on the surface, you can simply use polite phrases and avoid unnecessary interaction.

When I moved to Tokyo, my parents initially refused to buy me a landline phone, claiming it was for "playing around" and "not necessary for studying." Instead, they gave me a pager. However, in the outskirts where I lived, the pager either had no signal or the characters were garbled and unreadable.

Shortly after moving, my parents received calls from multiple people saying, "⚪︎⚪︎-chan called, so I gave you her contact information." Since I didn't have a landline, the calls were supposedly directed to my pager, but I couldn't read them and couldn't respond.

While there were many unpleasant classmates in high school, there were also some I wanted to communicate with. However, without my consent, all communication was cut off.

About a year or two later, after I switched to a cell phone, a high school friend asked for my contact information. However, due to various issues, including her becoming hysterical and causing other problems, I changed my phone number and ended the relationship. I don't want to associate with unintelligent, hysterical women, even if they are friends.

The pager was a hand-me-down from my older brother, and when I moved to Tokyo, he gave it to me, saying, "Here, use this." However, it was almost useless because it had no signal in most areas. My brother is so unintelligent that he gave me something that was practically unusable without considering whether it would work in my area. When I told him, "It's almost unusable, so I'm returning it," he laughed and said, "You live in the countryside." He should have apologized for giving me something that didn't work, but instead, he laughed at me. This is a complete lack of common sense. Even with family members, if you give someone something important like a pager that doesn't work, you should at least apologize. However, he laughed and made fun of my address when it turned out to be unusable. This shows how unintelligent, lacking in common sense, and unpleasant my brother's personality is. It's pointless to talk to my brother, so I ignore him when he makes fun of me. Interacting with him only leads to problems and strange things happening, and I end up being made fun of. It's better to avoid him altogether. He is poorly prepared, inefficient, and tries to act like he knew things all along by saying, "Yes, yes," after the fact. However, his brain structure is somehow broken, and he is probably mentally challenged. He pretends to understand things, which makes it impossible for me to deal with him. On top of that, he enjoys laughing at and looking down on me.

Thus, I received a disadvantageous assignment, could not use the pager, and almost completely lost contact with some classmates after moving to Tokyo, even those with whom I could communicate.

After I moved to Tokyo, a certain female classmate who had also moved to Tokyo contacted me a while later. I think it was during my second or third year in Tokyo, and we occasionally kept in touch, but we were just friends. However, for some reason, she would sometimes come to my room and ask for a little help, such as eating meals or doing some cleaning.

Then, during a casual conversation, the topic turned to romance, and she told me a story like this:

After entering university, she had been dating a male university student she met at a matchmaking party. They tried to have sexual intercourse for the first time, but they couldn't do it. Later, (after meeting at a party that seemed to be for the purpose of finding a partner), she had sex with an older man on the same day, and it went well. (She) was experiencing it for the first time, so the other person was surprised. That relationship lasted for a while, but the man was married, so she ended it. However, because the man was her first boyfriend, she had lingering feelings for him, and they started meeting up. When they met, they ended up having sex again, and (at the time) they were still continuing the relationship. The man is married, but he has told her that he will separate from his wife. (For her, he is) someone important. She asked me, "What should I do?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking for advice or just wanted me to acknowledge her situation. At the time, I was troubled by this ambiguous story. I thought, "How could someone be so naive as to fall for such an obvious lie?" The phrase "I'm going to separate from my wife" is something that a man who just wants to cheat and have fun would say. However, it seemed that she considered him to be an important person. But, it's just an affair... She's just being played...

Now, it seems like a common story, and I realize that women who ask for such advice are usually just looking for someone to listen or to validate their feelings, so they don't really need advice. However, at the time, I was a young woman in my early twenties, and I didn't think that far ahead. I said something straightforward like, "That's a common excuse that cheating men use. I think you're just being taken advantage of." She got angry and started acting hysterically.

It's probably a 90% chance that he's just a cheating man. Even if he's a student, he could be sued by his wife for millions of yen in damages. The fact that they met at a matchmaking party from the beginning makes the relationship suspicious, and the possibility of it being a serious relationship is extremely low. However, a young woman who has just moved to Tokyo and doesn't know the ways of the world is easily deceived.

And, even though I pointed it out, she became hysterical. Perhaps it would have been better to say something like, "That's good. I hope we can be together," as a social nicety, but that's not my style. And, I had already made it a motto to "not associate with hysterical women" from that time. So, regardless of the reason, a few days after she reacted hysterically, I canceled my mobile phone contract and cut off contact, and I felt relieved. Hysteria is a no-go, but even more than that, I don't want to be friends with or have a relationship with a woman who is this unintelligent.

This may be a nostalgic story for some, but when I was in my early twenties, I fell victim to a membership club scheme that was popular at the time. I took out a loan, but I couldn't receive the services that were advertised, so I rebelled and collected voices of victims on a website. As a result, although I don't know to what extent my contribution was, the company ended up going out of business. I quickly consulted with the consumer affairs center and demanded a refund, and I remember that the damage was at most less than 100,000 yen. However, there may have been people who were left with only the loan if the timing was bad. At that time, I was hurt by the experience of having my trust betrayed. Now that I think about it, everything about it was suspicious, and I was completely naive at the time. In theory, it should have been a profitable venture, but it was a lie, and I lacked the ability to see through the lie. Through this, I gained the ability to see through the smiles of scammers. The smiles of "pure" types of women are also similar to those of scammers, so this also connects to the ability to distinguish "pure" types of women.

In my life, I have only been truly angry a few times. There have been many times when I appear to be angry when I clearly state things, but I am not actually emotionally angry. I think I was born without the emotion of "anger," so I often don't understand situations where other people become enraged or angry.

I suspect that many people release their emotions by becoming enraged about something before it leads to trauma. Sometimes, they release stress by directing their anger at someone.

However, in my case, I tend to suppress stress, and I fundamentally don't know what the emotion of anger is. Even if I try to intentionally act angry, I cannot express anger like a normal person. It seems that what I do looks like a strange and unusual anger to others, and the situation doesn't seem to be interpreted as anger, but rather as a joke, and the person being told starts laughing loudly. Therefore, I came to think, "It's pointless to interact with people who are rude or impolite. It's pointless to say anything." I don't want to interact with people who are so dense that they don't listen to explanations or complaints.

In my case, I still don't understand the emotion of anger or what it means to become enraged. There is a fundamental gap between me and others.

On the other hand, I often made "disgusted faces" at truly ridiculous and dense people who couldn't understand even when I explained things, so I often angered them. However, if that's the case, we live in different worlds, so it's best to live separately and avoid interacting with each other as much as possible. Living in separate worlds is peaceful for both of us.

People who become enraged and habitually yell at others are fundamentally different from people who don't have the emotion of anger and cannot understand it. People who spend their daily lives with anger should live with people who are similar to them. People who don't fundamentally have the emotion of anger should live with those people. It's best if we don't interact with each other.

I have always experienced irritability due to stress, although the degree may vary. However, I still don't really understand the feeling of getting angry or having a violent outburst. I probably don't need to understand it any further. I have already dealt with a lot of people having violent outbursts, so I think it is sufficient to maintain a distance from people who have violent outbursts.

I don't really understand other people, so sometimes I think that maybe other people are similar, but.

"清楚系" bitches are essentially women who look down on and belittle men. There are cases where they are aware of this and do not show it on the surface, and cases where they are not aware of their own psychological state and are simply behaving morally. However, from a man's perspective, there is not much difference. From the women's side, it seems that most of the time, they do not intentionally look down on men, but rather do so unconsciously or as a matter of course, taking advantage of men's affection and submissive attitude. "清楚系" bitches are confident in themselves, so they think it is natural for men to do anything for them, and if they do not, they will be treated coldly, ignored, or sometimes hysterical. As time passes and you get to know a woman who initially seemed "清楚," the relationship of looking down on men becomes natural, and this is clearly reflected in the woman's expression, making it easy for men to recognize it. When a man notices and is disgusted or takes a cold attitude, the "清楚系" bitch will start to openly criticize the man and justify herself. For a "清楚系" bitch, even if a man's dissatisfaction is expressed on his face, it is interpreted as a rebellion against her, and she feels that she cannot forgive the man who has looked down on her for a while, even if he rebels psychologically. She may get angry at the man's resistance and say things like, "What a terrible man," or the woman may relentlessly question the man and engage in emotional abuse, but she is often not aware that she is doing emotional abuse, and she does not realize how inappropriate her behavior is. The man is questioned as if he is at fault, and sometimes even if the man apologizes, he is not forgiven, and the man does not understand what is wrong, leading to a breakdown in the relationship, or conversely, the man may be recognized as an emotional abuser. "清楚系" bitches often do not realize that they are intentionally doing bad things, but because they are not conscious of it, they can take terrible attitudes towards men and play the victim. Therefore, you should not be with a "清楚系" bitch, as there are many truly good women, and you should deepen your relationship with them.

However, even such an understanding is trivial compared to the understanding of love itself.

Furthermore, this is not a matter of 0 or 100, but rather a matter of which is dominant. It is rare to have a completely 100% condescending attitude with 0% love. At least, a woman can be around a man because she is physically attracted to him. Perhaps there is 20% love, but it is not that there is no love. In addition, these types of women look down on men and think that "men do not understand women's true feelings." While it is true that there are men who are completely insensitive, that is still a matter of degree, and it is simply a matter of the woman being with a man who is not her match. Furthermore, men are surprisingly sensitive, and even knowing everything, they still love the woman and silently accept the situation. Sometimes, the woman may be troubled because she did not want to get pregnant, and in such cases, it is not uncommon for a man who seems to know nothing to accept the situation. The phrase "Even if it's a surrogate pregnancy, if this woman will be with me and marry me, that's enough" is probably something that Japanese men would not say, but there are men who understand that even if they don't say it, that is probably what they mean, and such men are valuable. If a woman cherishes such a man, she will never betray him.

However, it is true that there are some very foolish women who look innocent but look down on men to the extreme. In such cases, if a man understands love, he can easily distinguish between an innocent-looking woman and a truly good woman. Also, when a person is in a state of love, they will naturally understand which woman is worthy of them. Everything is about being appropriate for one's level. If a person is involved with an innocent-looking woman, it means they are at that level. As a person grows, they will naturally become distant from innocent-looking women.

If you are too lenient and show even a little bit of kindness to an innocent-looking woman, she will become bold and take advantage of you. Therefore, it seems necessary to draw a clear line. I remembered a certain past incident. If you give a response that seems like an agreement or a polite reply, she will take advantage of that and make fun of you in various ways. Therefore, it is necessary to choose your words carefully when dealing with innocent-looking women, who often lack morality, so that they do not misunderstand you. There are innocent-looking women who, even though you are giving vague answers and ignoring them, cannot understand that psychology and become irritated or make fun of you, saying things like "Be clear!" It seemed to me at the time that some innocent-looking women are psychologically immature. That innocent-looking woman had a strong sex drive, and that was attractive, but ultimately, her understanding of love was still limited. She was the type of woman who would quickly have sex, but on the other hand, her understanding of men and others was shallow. However, she had a high sense of self-worth and claimed to understand people's hearts because she knew a lot of literature and thought she understood spirituality. However, in reality, she was more concerned with her own interests and material gain. Ultimately, whether you think you understand love or not, there is little difference if you have not actually reached the heart of love. The key is whether or not you have actually reached the heart of love, which determines whether you are a good person. An innocent-looking woman has not reached the heart of love. Even if a woman has sexual appeal and is the type who quickly has sex, she may not understand the heart of love. It may seem like she has the heart of love at first glance, but her words and actions are often copied from literature, she has a low boiling point and becomes hysterical easily, and you can see that she looks down on men. By seeing these things, you can tell that even such a woman does not understand the heart of love.

Good children may have weak "heart love" initially, but that means they have the potential for "heart love" to grow. If a child is good and their "heart love" develops, they will become the best partner. Even if their "heart love" isn't fully developed, if they are a good child, they are likely to be a satisfactory partner. On the other hand, if a "chaste-type bitch" becomes hysterical with men, it seems difficult for them to reach "heart love." In reality, even if someone was once a "chaste-type bitch," if they reach "heart love," they can dramatically change and become a much better person. "Heart love" is truly wonderful. However, if someone habitually accumulates anger, it seems difficult for them to reach "heart love." It is easier for a good child to build a trusting relationship with a partner and awaken to "heart love." Therefore, as a partner, it is better to choose a "good child" rather than a "chaste-type bitch." In essence, it is important to choose someone with the potential for growth. When building a trusting relationship and continuing a deep connection, the heart chakra (anahata chakra) or the lower manipura (solar plexus) may suddenly open, leading to an awakening of "heart love" or compassion. At that time, the woman's reaction changes. Before the chakra opens, there may be some hesitation and a part of her heart that is not fully open. However, when the chakra opens and her heart opens, her heart suddenly shines, her energy doubles, her face becomes noticeably brighter, her heart opens, and the distance between her and the other person suddenly shortens. I believe that women can relatively easily open their chakras and awaken to "heart love" by building a trusting relationship with men. While awakening to "heart love" is the best, even if the chakra that opens is the one for compassion, they can awaken to a good kind of love. This mysterious step of women opening their chakras through a trusting relationship with men seems to have been something that has been naturally and instinctively taught to people throughout history. Those who live without opening their hearts through this step are not experiencing the mysteries of life, and they are not effectively using the body they were born with, which is a great pity. Some people are born with their hearts already open, but for those whose hearts are not yet open, it is often through a trusting relationship with the opposite sex that their hearts open.

And, compared to the mystery and splendor of such love, the "pure" type of "bimbo" is a trivial matter.

Love from the heart is wonderful, and therefore, it does not look down on those who only know a previous type of love, or those for whom a previous type of love is dominant. Because it is a love that embraces everything, even if there is a "pure" type of "bimbo" who only knows a previous type of love, it is a trivial matter.

People who are "before the heart" may exhibit lukewarm behavior, sometimes have feelings for others, or be absorbed in themselves, and sometimes they are not absorbed at all. In any case, something is lacking, and they are at the stage of affection or a previous type of love. However, once you fall in love with such a person, you either accept everything, or it seems that you have no choice but to give up, even if it is painful. Even if such a person (in a state "before the heart") shows an attitude that seems to like you, if they do not know the love from the heart, it is only "like" at their own level ("like" before the heart). For example, it may be affection, or sexual love, or love based on possessiveness. None of these is a single thing, but the form of love changes depending on which stage is dominant. Therefore, even if the love from the heart is not zero, other types of love may be (sometimes, much) more dominant. And if a person whose love from the heart is dominant falls in love with a person whose previous stage of love is dominant, there is nothing to be done about it, so you should either accept it or, I think, it is better to give it up clearly. If you end up in a half-hearted relationship and are then subjected to unreasonable demands such as "Why don't you treat me properly (with love from the heart, assuming love from the heart)," it is only confusing for those who do not know love from the heart. In such cases, if the person who knows a higher level of love understands the form of the previous stage of love, they can either try to understand the other person and move forward, or if they realize that the stages do not match, they should simply separate. Without understanding, being close together will lead to quarrels and estrangement, so there is no other choice but to either not get involved from the beginning, or to have a relationship based on understanding.

Moreover, I have only just realized this, but in many cases, it is useless to say anything to a "pure" type of "bimbo." Beautiful young girls with good bodies have a certain demand, so if they are not aware of it, they will definitely make choices to justify themselves and will not listen to the words of others, especially the words of men. As you can see from fortune-telling women or women who consult about love and spirituality, even if they ask for your opinion, in many cases they just want you to affirm them. I have been too serious and have tried to answer them, but what a "pure" type of "bimbo" wants is "self-justification," so they will either not accept any other answers, or they will become hysterical until they can self-justify. Probably, most people in the world understand the behavior of "pure" type of "bimbos" much better than I did, and they understand that it is useless to say anything, which is why the common sense that "women don't ask for answers, they just want to be agreed with" is generally correct.

In many cases, the spirituality of general women involves self-justification and the law of attraction, with the desire for their lives to become richer and for them to be blessed with money and obedient partners. Therefore, even if men advocate for self-improvement in their spirituality, it often doesn't resonate with women because they are seeking something different, and that's why communication often fails.

This is not to say that it is bad; I think it is simply the way women are. And, in many cases, women can already achieve a certain level of spirituality through this. Looking at the lives of the spirits who have separated from my group soul, many of them live a comfortable and convenient life. So, if one is born a woman, perhaps it is enough to live a blessed life and reach the end of their lifespan happily. When I look at the lives of the spirits who have separated from my group soul, they live much more freely and happily, with almost no inconveniences, compared to my current life as a man. Therefore, the way of life for women seems to be one that is blessed and free from hardship. Women should enjoy a life of convenience and happiness.

No matter how much one's spirituality grows, there is still a difference between the way men and women live. Even if they are spirits who have separated from the same group soul, the fundamental ways of life are different. However, this is only natural because they have been living as a certain gender for decades. I think we must simply understand that this is the way it is. It is not necessarily bad, but rather a characteristic of each gender.

In yoga, oneness corresponds to the state of samadhi, which is a state where there is no distinction between "the observer," "the observed," and "the act of observing." These three are normally separate in a normal state of consciousness, but in the state of oneness (or samadhi), the three become one. If this occurs between individuals, it is also a state of telepathy.

And it seems to be based on the love of the heart.

In children, this often happens unconsciously and uncontrollably. There are a certain number of children who cannot distinguish between themselves and others, which can cause them to struggle. However, as they grow up, they develop a sense of self and other.

While the state of not distinguishing between self and other is not always the case, as one grows to a certain extent, if they intentionally think of others and achieve oneness, they enter a state of telepathy, and can understand the other person's perspective and background. With some experience, one can learn to switch between oneness and ordinary consciousness, and can intentionally enter a state of oneness to understand the other person's thoughts when necessary. This is both samadhi and telepathy.

One can know about others if they want to, but basically, there is no need to know about others. Being a telepath does not mean that one can know everything about everyone. Rather, for mature adults, especially, it is like a noble honor. Even if one can do and know many things, the basic way of life should be to restrain oneself and behave morally, and not to use telepathy carelessly.

Therefore, in the world, there are people who are famous for being spiritual and insightful, or psychics who accurately predict things and are praised by those around them. However, it is understandable that these people are not necessarily morally superior. People who are in a state of oneness generally do not use their abilities carelessly, and therefore, it is normal for them not to be able to see or understand the thoughts of others. Spiritual growth is originally unrelated to games or shows like fortune-telling, and it is about cultivating one's character.

If someone is a telepath or in a state of oneness, and they live in this world like a zoo, it seems that one criterion for choosing who to avoid or associate with is to avoid many people, especially if one is in a state of oneness.

At a group date, there was a girl I was slightly interested in. She seemed polite and friendly on the surface, but we didn't become close. At the time, I didn't understand, but now, through telepathy, I can see what she was feeling back then. It seems that, despite her polite demeanor, she was secretly looking down on me. I'm only now realizing the unpleasantness of her true nature, which was hidden by her expressions. I didn't notice any of this at the time. I wonder if I really lacked the ability to judge people. The emotions I saw through telepathy were very unpleasant, and her energy was negative. She wasn't a good person at all, but I thought she was nice. I was a little interested in her and showed some affection, but telepathy revealed that she was actually a very malicious person. I'm a little shocked by this. There's a saying, "腹黒い" (lit. black-bellied), which means malicious. When I use telepathy to see a person's inner state, I can actually see their abdomen turning black, so the expression is perfectly accurate. There are people whose insides are literally black, and I'm surprised to learn this now. Conversely, there are people who seemed like "清楚系ビッチ" (a type of girl who appears innocent but is actually promiscuous) at first glance, but when I use telepathy, I find that they are actually quite normal. Or, as in this case, someone who looks ordinary but is actually malicious. This isn't about external impressions; when using telepathy, the perspective is that of "the person themselves." You become one with the person, seeing things from their point of view. It's like looking from the inside, overlapping with them, so I think it's quite accurate. This is different from the common "aura contact," which is more physical. Since it transcends time and space, there's no danger. One advantage of telepathy is that you can know what the other person is thinking from their perspective, but sometimes, you have to face harsh and painful realities. Perhaps it was better not to know and just be comfortable based on their expressions. By the way, I can't freely use this ability on anyone; it feels like it's being shown to me by a higher power. I'm shown specific scenes and asked to understand them, but sometimes, I'm shown the inner world of someone who seems innocent but is actually cruel and malicious, which is shocking. This is reality. At the time, my mental state was fragile, my energy was low, and my body felt heavy, so she might have been too much for me. However, she didn't really give me that much attention.

Whether what I saw with my psychic abilities or telepathy is true or not, that girl, although she appeared normal on the surface, was actually the kind of person who would sleep with anyone, and she was truly deserving of being called a "bitch," and I don't think there's anyone more deserving of being called a "pure-type bitch" than her, as her nightlife was so chaotic.

Now that I think about it, I was actually interested in her during the early part of the group date, but after about an hour, I saw glimpses of her in a vision, and I thought, "Could it be that this girl is the kind of person who would immediately take off her clothes, do dirty things, and sleep with anyone?" And when I realized that, I suddenly lost interest, and she looked at me with a "What's wrong?" expression. But that was because I lost interest after realizing her true nature.

At the time, I just thought she was "the kind of girl who sleeps around easily," but now, when I recall that scene again, it seems that she was not just "the kind of girl who sleeps around easily," but rather, she was someone who worked in the nighttime industry. She was the type who would immediately take off her clothes and do things in that kind of place.

Even if someone appears to be behaving modestly, their aura cannot be hidden, and the dirtiness of the aura can be attributed to various reasons, but if the reason is that she is receiving a black aura from various people due to her work in the nighttime industry, then it is natural for her to be mean-spirited. When you have physical contact in the nighttime industry, there is a high probability that an aura exchange will occur, which is why she becomes mean-spirited.

In reality, the root of the soul is pure and does not become dirty, but there are colors in the individual souls around it, and within the aura of the objects around them, there are these mean-spirited auras. Taking that into account, I think there are mainly two types of mean-spiritedness, and setting aside the purity of the root, there are dark and bright colors in the surrounding souls, and there are also cases where the aura closest to the body is mixed with black. There are four patterns in combination, but two of them are mean-spirited patterns: one is a soul that is inherently mean-spirited, and the other is a soul that is bright but becomes mean-spirited due to external influences. In the case of the girl, she is the former, meaning she is inherently mean-spirited. On the other hand, there is a pattern where a soul, although bright, is influenced by the surroundings and has a mean-spirited aura attached to it. I think I am more of the latter, meaning I was surrounded by people who planted a mean-spirited aura on me, and I was like a "black aura trash can." And the people around me who made me absorb that black aura and then discarded it were very energetic, while I became depressed after receiving the black aura. There was a pattern in the aura exchange between me and the people around me who were morally harassing me, where they were exploiting me.

When I look at my own abdomen with the same telepathy, I can still see grayish spots on my abdomen, so objectively, I understand that my condition is still at that level. However, I think that the grayish aura I have is likely accumulated from being bullied in my youth, and especially, the one I received from a girl who was close to me when I was young is still not completely resolved. I think that this dark aura I have was probably not something I was born with, but rather something I acquired from others through relationships during my lifetime. Therefore, I think it is especially important to be careful with those who have deep physical relationships. Perhaps, if there is someone who gave me this grayish aura, it was probably someone I only had a short relationship with, but even so, the aura can last for a long time, so even if the relationship is short, the negative effects can last a long time. Nowadays, young people often have physical relationships quickly, such as through "bringing home," and it seems like they are playing a game of "exchange," where they either receive a dark aura or, conversely, get rid of their own dark aura by giving it to someone else. Recently, I haven't had many physical relationships, and I've been focusing on resolving my vibrations through yoga and meditation. Even in my current state, which I have been purifying, I still have this much, so perhaps it is rare for someone to have a completely pure aura in their stomach. In that sense, the meaning of "abstinence," as it has been said traditionally, can be understood from a different perspective. Maintaining a beautiful aura from birth requires not only purifying oneself but also choosing the right partners, and that is not only about abstaining, but also that having a deep relationship means that one's aura deeply affects the other person.

There are things that can be known about a person's thoughts and state through telepathy, but some people might say, "If you can see it from the beginning, why bother understanding it?" However, according to the explanation from higher (invisible) guides, that is not the case, and understanding is the task of this lifetime. Telepathy only reveals the state at that moment, which is no different from the information that can be obtained by simply looking with your eyes and being physically close. However, telepathy alone is not enough to correctly understand that information, and relying solely on telepathy can lead to misunderstandings and incorrect judgments based on temporary states. Telepathy is useful in terms of "seeing" correctly, but the process of thinking based on the information obtained is the same for telepaths and ordinary people. That makes sense. No matter how much telepathy you have, you can't function properly without understanding and judgment, so emphasizing understanding is perfectly reasonable. With telepathy, you tend to rely on it and make judgments, which can often avoid problems in advance, but in most cases, it only leads to a superficial understanding. Even if you pass a telepathic test, if your understanding is insufficient, you can make mistakes in judgment and have serious consequences. This is not only about money, but also about physically being harmed. Relying on telepathy can lead to a shallow understanding, which can cause you to become careless in situations that seem fine on the surface. There are many such dangerous situations, and I can even see the image of my parallel self actually being harmed and suffering in a parallel timeline. Although I am now nearing the end of my life on Earth and am aware that I will return to the world I originally came from, there was also a time when I struggled to gain understanding by temporarily turning off telepathy for decades in order to deepen my understanding and leave this world without any regrets after understanding everything.

In high school, there was a girl who was somewhat close to me, and she said, "You read manga by Adachi Tsuyoshi," and I think she wanted me to interact with her differently because I didn't understand the concept of love at that time. From my perspective, we could talk freely and were close, and it seemed like others thought, "Are they dating?" but I didn't really realize it. We continued to be close for a while, but then we had a fight, and she started acting cold and sulky whenever I talked to her. I can't remember what made her angry, but it was probably something trivial that, looking back, I shouldn't have said. I wondered why she was so upset, and during a school trip, I saw her standing alone on the side of the road. In front of everyone, I said, "Let's go together," but she seemed uncomfortable and hesitant, and I couldn't tell if she was rejecting me or not. I was confused and thought, "What's going on? Does she hate me?" I didn't even realize I liked her, so I didn't know how to handle those feelings, and I ended up acting awkwardly myself. It was a day of confusion, and I even acted like I liked someone else, which made things awkward for them. I think my feelings for her were overwhelming, causing her to act strangely. From a distance, she seemed to be acting strangely all day, and I wonder if she was also confused and didn't understand her own behavior. We were both acting strangely, and we were a weird pair. When you like someone, you often don't realize it, and your head gets confused and you become incomprehensible. Now that I think about it, I didn't really understand the concept of love. If I had understood love back then, I might have interacted with her differently. When asked if I liked her back then, I would say, "Hmm, I'm not sure. Maybe I did." If I had to choose between liking and disliking her, I would say I liked her, so I think it's okay to consider that a "like" from a high school perspective. However, I think I felt more like I wanted to be friends with her. From the outside, it probably seemed like a cute relationship. Whether or not you like someone and whether or not you understand love are different things, but I think it's safe to say that I "liked" her, but I think my behavior and words might have been off because I didn't understand love. To have a good relationship with someone, it's not enough to just "like" them; you need to have a basic understanding of love. Now that I think about it, there were many kind and good-natured people in middle school and high school. There were many simple and straightforward people. When you're in a state where you don't know much about the world, like in middle school or high school, there's a point where you can either become a "chaste bitch" or not. Some people start out as pure and innocent, and then become a "chaste bitch" after learning about the world. There are cases where you live in the countryside and don't have that kind of environment, and you just continue living as you are, and there are also cases where you have the potential and become a "chaste bitch" when you move to the city (which is like "debuting"). Or, there are also many people who don't change at all when they move to the city. That depends on the individual's potential.

Now that I think about it, more than half of my classmates in middle and high school were good people, but I often fell for "somewhat strange" people. I was often told by those around me, "You always fall for strange people." This was especially said by close female friends (who I wasn't particularly interested in). I now think that it would have been better if I had been able to recognize the goodness of ordinary, normal people, and that it would have been better if I had been able to like those ordinary, good people back then. This was probably because I didn't have a good eye for people back then; in short, I didn't know much about love, and I was only drawn to people who were a little different. Well, it might seem like a somewhat interesting youth from the outside, but it wasn't a very enjoyable time for me, and it was a difficult period. However, when I look back on it now, I find that I am somewhat idealizing the past, forgetting the painful things, and only the fun and sweet memories remain. Even though I was probably mentally breaking down at the time, it seems that those painful experiences have been understood and resolved within me, and only good memories remain. I couldn't have felt this way before. Now, I can understand the situation at that time to some extent, and I feel like I can see what was important. By the way, while most of the female classmates in high school were good people, a very small number of girls seemed to think that I was making fun of them, but they also thought that I had a good feeling towards them (or at least, that's what I thought). I didn't particularly argue or deny it, but I basically ignored it. I basically don't consider women who make fun of men (like me) as potential romantic partners. Nevertheless, for some reason, a few of those girls sometimes seemed to act as if I was interested in them and responding to them. I didn't understand women's psychology very well at the time, and sometimes I even found it cute when they teased me a little, but it was just annoying if they did it continuously. I thought it was the same kind of psychology as children who bully someone they like, but basically, I found it bothersome. Now that I think about it, that was also one of the good memories of my youth. Now that I think about it, I should have liked the ordinary, good people more, rather than those slightly strange people.

My love life in the past consisted of two aspects: one was mistaking superficial appearances or behaviors as love, which was not true love. The other, which was true love, was limited to a few specific individuals and involved a love that could be opened up by taking a leap of faith. However, now, through meditation, I have opened up a more universal love and gained an understanding of love. Although these may seem like completely different things, I have come to understand that they are essentially the same. I have experienced flashbacks of the past, which brought back memories of things I had forgotten, and recreated the psychological state of a lost love that I could no longer change. However, this was a relatively temporary trigger, and I believe it served as a catalyst for understanding what universal love is. Although I have recalled events from decades ago, there is nothing I can do about them now, but they were helpful in gaining understanding. As a result, I have remembered the universal love that I probably knew and had forgotten for a while, and I think it may be the same as the psychological state I had in elementary or middle school. This means that I have been in a state of being in love relatively often recently, and I have to be careful not to make anyone misunderstand me with my gaze. However, since I am older, I am not as worried as I was when I was young. When I was young, especially in elementary and middle school, I often made classmates and children of similar ages misunderstand me with my gaze, and I often felt sorry. Sometimes, my innocent gaze, which I thought was a smile of self-love, would make the other person misunderstand that "I must like me because you are looking at me and smiling," and I would often notice that many gazes were directed at me, but I was not aware of it. Of course, that is not the case now, but I still try to be careful not to make my gaze misunderstood. The difference lies in whether it is a universal love or a specific love. Because of this difference, I used to "fall in love" (become a state of love), but now I understand and comprehend love. There is a difference between an action and a state. Although it is the same love, there is a difference between whether it is temporary or relatively universal. Before this, there was a state of "bliss" or "fulfillment," which was a stage of meditation. While meditation is good for opening up universal love, most people do not meditate, and meditation is quite difficult, so it may be sufficient to simply fall in love (with your heart) and have a sincere relationship. This is a love from the heart (although physical love is also fine), so it is not related to age, and it is okay to fall in love even when you are older. In my case, I think I lived in a state of relatively universal love in elementary and middle school, and I had very little love for specific people. On the other hand, during high school and college, I was mentally exhausted and often fell out of a state of love, so I may have temporarily fallen in love with someone. Therefore, in terms of "falling in love," I was in adolescence, but I think I was better at living in a state of love in elementary and middle school. And I have now finally returned to that state by remembering and understanding it. When living in a state of universal love, you don't really "fall in love," but rather tend to accept things. In this state, whether or not you like the other person is somewhat important, but even if it is okay to a certain extent, it is often good to just accept it. Otherwise, if you are waiting or choosing to "fall in love," you may end up being single for a long time. In the case of celebrities, I think someone like Yuriko Ishida has a universal love. She probably says, "I don't understand love," but I think it is because she lives in a state of universal love, and she doesn't understand what it means to "fall in love." I think I have felt a similar state before, but there is a big difference in the depth of love and the degree of understanding. There is still a possibility that my understanding of love will deepen further in the future, but I think I have reached a milestone by returning to the state I had in elementary and middle school. It is late, but I am glad I have come to understand (and comprehend) love.

Actually, I always thought my mother's mother was a "good person." My uncle, who lived with her, also seemed like a good person. He was relatively straightforward, and I distanced myself from him after moving to Tokyo. However, I couldn't see the true nature of my grandmother. She worked as a nurse in the Truk Islands during World War II, and she survived because she returned before the situation worsened. However, just before she left, it was often more about counting the number of corpses than providing treatment. Even in such situations, there were things that brought her joy, such as playing with large leaves with water droplets on them, which would fall when shaken, and everyone laughed in the early days. When I was a child, I simply accepted her words at face value, understanding it as "there were things that brought her joy." However, I now think that people smile in extremely difficult situations. It's a smile born of hardship. Understanding this basic principle allows one to realize that not all smiles indicate happiness. People who have experienced such things may develop a habit of hiding their true feelings, either to conceal themselves or as a reflex, and I think that my grandmother's smiles were often based on this. Looking back, I think that was the foundation of her smiles. At the time, I simply thought she was always cheerful, but in reality, her family ran a business, and she had to maintain a good image, so her smiles may have been a facade. Furthermore, I think she was smiling because she had overcome painful experiences and was living a peaceful life. Smiles in situations like these, which are a mixture of various factors, contain multiple layers. As time passed, it became clear that my grandmother had many underhanded qualities. She would belittle my mother, get her to do things for her, and speak ill of her behind her back. Therefore, she was a person who seemed good on the surface but was actually cunning. I couldn't see that at the time.

With this in mind, I now understand the two girls who were with the child in the example from T University. At the time, I thought these two girls were simply putting on smiles, and they were the kind of people who didn't show their true nature, who kept their thoughts hidden, and who gave safe and non-offensive answers. While this is common when meeting someone for the first time, I thought their conversations were too distant, and while they seemed friendly on the surface, I didn't understand them. Now, I realize that this is the same pattern as my father's mother. There was a constant distance, a lack of true connection, and a sense of being avoided, but she was the type of woman who, despite her outward appearance, enjoyed having someone who would look up to her and be willing to serve her, even if it was with a sense of looking down on them. While she was good at putting on smiles, her true nature was difficult to see, and she was like a cat hiding its claws. She didn't seem to like the man in front of her (me), but she never stopped smiling.

Whether it's my mother's mother, or the two women who were next to the child of a T University student, I have always simply recognized these types of women as "good children" and "good women." However, now that I think about it, perhaps these women are morally reliable children, ordinary children, children who are suitable as partners, and children who are suitable as marriage partners, but they have not yet awakened to the love of the heart. They are perfectly suitable as ordinary partners, and if they were to get married, they probably wouldn't have much dissatisfaction due to their serious personality and honest attitude. However, they may not be awakened to the love of the heart, and perhaps they may awaken to it as the relationship continues, but they are not awakened to it at this point. Nevertheless, they are perfectly suitable as partners, and the reason for that is their honesty. The best people are those who are honest and awakened to the love of the heart, but such people are few, and even so, if they are honest, I think they are sufficient as partners. Both of these women have a good appearance, but when they get carried away, their true nature shows, and glimpses of their mischievous side can be seen. They probably intend to hide it, but it is quite obvious. From these obvious aspects, it can be seen that they are good children, and they are trying to put on a good appearance, but their true nature is more mischievous, and that is not in a bad way; it is heartwarming to see mischievous good children trying to put on a good appearance. Even though they think they are being proper, I thought that from the beginning, so it is quite obvious. At that time, I wondered if they were hiding something, but in reality, they probably didn't have such a specific intention to put on a fake smile and hide it, and it was quite simple, and I think I may have been overthinking it. Although this kind of smile is not truly the ultimate meaning of honesty, it is sufficiently honest. The underlying reason is that their basic personality is good, and even though their true nature is mischievous, it is normal for women to try to act honestly and politely in front of men, so that is fine, and even if they are not awakened to the love of the heart, it seems that it is quite enough. At that time, I thought they were hiding their true nature, but that is just a matter of "that's how it is," and there was no need to worry about it so much. It is difficult to ask for the love of the heart from a partner, and if they are sufficiently honest, even if they have a mischievous nature, I think that now I would not worry about it so much.

Regarding whether someone with traits like my mother's side grandmother, who was a cunning person, is suitable as a partner, I think it depends on the degree. There are no completely saintly people in this world, and people who have truly awakened to love are rare, so that is something to compromise on. There are people who have cunning aspects, such as those who aim to be a full-time housewife or those who try to lead others to benefit their own interests, and that is something to expect. However, if you dislike such people, it can be difficult, but if you think of it as something like that, it may not be so bothersome. However, there is my own rule: partners must be honest with each other. I can overlook some cunningness towards others, but if a partner is cunning towards me (although I may turn a blind eye to some extent), it may be difficult to continue the relationship if it is too blatant. I think it is better to live with someone who has at least some degree of honesty, within the range that I can tolerate.

Whether or not there is love is, in reality, not related to gender, and I think the following combinations are possible.

Man + no love (a man who doesn't know love)
Man + with love (a man who knows love)
Woman + no love (a woman who doesn't know love)
Woman + with love (a woman who knows love)

Man + does not know love at all (does not know affection, does not know heart's love).
Man + has affection (does not know heart's love).
Man + has heart's love (knows heart's love that transcends affection).
Woman + does not know love at all (does not know affection, does not know heart's love).
Woman + has affection (does not know heart's love).
Woman + has heart's love (knows heart's love that transcends affection).

・A man who doesn't know love, who is controlling, abusive, and emotionally manipulative. → A common troublemaker. This often applies to men who lack morals. They may have a good outward appearance. They have a low boiling point for anger. They should be avoided. There are cases where they seem normal before marriage but turn into emotionally manipulative partners after marriage. There may be a significant difference between their outward and inward selves.
・A man with affection and humanity. → There are some. They are not bad, but sometimes they can be troublesome. They can be controlling. They are a standard type of partner. They may have a good outward appearance, but there isn't much difference between their outward and inward selves.
・A man with a heart full of love. → There are very few. They are sometimes mistaken for homosexuals, but this is completely different from homosexual love. They are relatively ideal men. If you find such a partner, it is recommended that you do not let them go. They are men with love for everyone. There is little difference between their outward and inward selves.
・A woman who doesn't know love, who is controlling, abusive, and emotionally manipulative. → This is common. Sexually attractive, innocent-looking "bitches" fall into this category. They are sometimes mistaken for lesbians. This also applies to women who lack morals. They may have a good outward appearance. They have a low boiling point for anger. They should be avoided. There are cases where they seem innocent and kind before marriage but turn into dominant wives after marriage. There may be a significant difference between their outward and inward selves.
・A woman with affection and humanity. → There are some. They are not bad, but sometimes they can be troublesome. They can be controlling. They are a standard type of partner. They often have a good outward appearance, but there isn't much difference between their outward and inward selves.
・A woman with a heart full of love. → They are rare, but there are some. They are ideal women. They are sometimes mistaken for lesbians. If such a woman is interested in you, it is recommended that you do not let her go. They are women with a loving and embracing love for everyone. There is little difference between their outward and inward selves.

After repeatedly confirming through parallel universes, I arrived at this conclusion. Therefore, as a man, one should adopt an attitude of "I want a woman because I like women, and I want her to be with me," rather than saying or acting in a way like, "Perhaps the woman likes me, so I'm giving her a man."

In reality, this is also true, and one should not engage in such words or actions as a way of "proving love." Basically, women tend to be in a position of "I'm here because the man wants me," and when it comes to marriage, they often rely on the man's financial stability. Therefore, a man should not complain about this, and he should not try to "prove" a woman's love by relying on her wallet (even occasionally). Instead, all the money should be provided by the man. If one likes a woman, this is a natural attitude, and a man should feel entitled to have a woman close to him.

In reality, I haven't been certain about this, so I've repeatedly confirmed it through parallel universes.

For example, I tried various scenarios in parallel universes to see what would happen if I started a relationship without money, or if I pretended to be poor even when I had money. I tested these scenarios with students from T University and their friends. In both cases, if the premise was that I had little money, things would initially be good, but eventually, dissatisfaction would build up, leading to irritation or the woman leaving for another man.

For example, in the case where I started a relationship with a friend of a T University student, the woman probably has some psychic abilities and remembers events from parallel universes. In this case, she may have started the relationship because she remembered that "the me in that parallel universe" was rich or had stock options, but since that wasn't the case in reality, she abandoned me, and a few years later, she found a husband who was a government official and abandoned me. She was basically a good person, but even so, she seemed to dislike it when I didn't have enough money.

Alternatively, in another scenario, I couldn't even start a relationship with the T University student because she wasn't interested in me if I didn't have money. Or, in another parallel universe, even if things seemed to be going well with the T University student, she became irritated and angry when I pretended to be poor.

As a result of these "no money" scenarios all failing, I've stopped having the illusion or romantic notion that "love is enough even if there's no money" with women.

Even if romance disappears, if you have money, there will be very good women nearby, so that is enough. That is the reality.

What has become clear is that, in general, women feel happy through a man's money. Therefore, from the male side, there is a tendency to seek "pure love without money" and romance, but women are realistic. There is no need to subject women to a man's romance; it is enough to give them money. It is being propagated in society that this is bad, but such propaganda is a lie that causes confusion in society. Do not be misled by such lies, and since you are a family, you should share money.

This is a very straightforward story, but "pure love without money" only exists when you are young; it is impossible for adults. For adults, it is "pure love supported to some extent by money." (This does not apply to cases where the woman is only after money.)

Even after seeing many parallel lives and the lives of past wives (in a sense) who were connected through group souls, the basic principle is that men should be wealthy, and that is why women can live happily without worrying about money. The past wives (in a sense) who are connected to me and are around me do not need money in the state of spirits in the afterlife. Therefore, the past wives who have lived without worrying about money on Earth will help me without any gain or loss even after death. Pure love exists without money when you die and become a spirit in the afterlife, but money is necessary while you are alive, so it is best to let your wife use the money freely. Saying "there is no money" is just a matter of feeling, so it is a matter of course that you will be in trouble if you really have no money. If you do not have financial difficulties while living on Earth, it is pure love, and after death, money is not necessary, so only pure love remains.

Therefore, it is best to let your wife use as much money as she needs without any inconvenience while she is alive.

As a result of confirming various things, it seems that if I become wealthy before reconnecting with my beloved T university student, it will only end in failure. Therefore, until then, it is best to maintain a slight distance, repeatedly having near misses once a year at a close distance such as across the street, so that she does not forget me, and to postpone actually reconnecting for a while.

Before that period, I tried restarting things, but they didn't work out. This is a conclusion I reached after trying several times. It's not really a deduction, but rather a result of actually trying it and seeing that it didn't work. Perhaps, if I challenge it many more times, there might be a pattern where it eventually works, but according to the judgment of a higher spirit, it's best to restart during the middle age.

If that's the best course of action according to the life plan, there's no need to aim for restarting with that person right now. It seems that it will naturally restart when the time comes, so until then, I should focus on doing the things I should be doing now.

The initial trigger was that she wanted to find a partner who could utilize her assets after her death. Her concern was that if she couldn't find someone to entrust her assets to, they would go to the national treasury, or that the organization she donated to might not be able to effectively utilize the assets. She considered redoing the timeline to address this.

She was worried that even if her life went well, her assets might not be effectively utilized after her death. So, a spirit transcending time and space tried to find a partner to resolve this issue by going back in time.

Her intention was to first find a partner who could utilize her assets, and then, if possible, to create a company led by women to create a society where women can thrive. She envisioned a company where the wife would be the president, ideally with no children, and where the next president would also be a woman, preferably passed down to younger generations of women, especially highly qualified women (e.g., graduates of prestigious universities).

Therefore, things like personal preferences or dislikes are relatively minor compared to this larger goal. Ultimately, since she wanted to entrust her assets, she would be happy if they were used freely. Whether that will actually happen is uncertain (it might fail), but that is the plan. Therefore, while stories about "knowing love" are certainly important, they are personal matters, and a larger purpose came first.

Her main goal was to create a large organization, such as a foundation or group company for women, to be entrusted with her assets after her death. To achieve this, she searched for suitable candidates in the early stages, even visiting offices of consulting firms like McKinsey in a disembodied state to see if there were any suitable women. She found a very intelligent and accomplished woman who had even received awards from a foreign consulting firm, and who was also attractive, had a straightforward personality, and was a good person. She then went back in time and subtly approached her. If she had approached her later in life, she might have made her feel uncomfortable and not fully trusted her, or they might have had a distant relationship. So, she decided to approach her when she was younger.

She then rewound the timeline several times, and due to various other factors, she decided to completely redo her life. Until then, her timeline was relatively affluent, but she came to the conclusion that it would be more beneficial to experience poverty. For spiritual growth, to understand the bottom of this world, and to settle karma, she decided to live a relatively poor life for decades in her younger years. As a result, the woman who had previously approached her with financial motives used this opportunity to see how she would react to her without money, and the reaction was not very good. So, she initially became just an acquaintance, and that was the end of it for her younger years. She would occasionally have near misses once a year to keep her in mind, but she put the reunion in middle age on hold.

That child was originally quite talented, but in order to become capable of achieving her goals, she had, from a young age, what seemed like a "spiritual tutor" who supported her studies. In a sense, that child was being watched over by my spirit, but this wasn't something I did arbitrarily; I believe her spirit also agreed to it, and that consent to cooperate for a specific purpose is what allows for this intervention. Unilateral intervention is not good, but since consent was obtained, whether or not she is aware of it is something I don't know.

The original purpose is quite significant, so whether it's a "pure love" or not (which is important for individuals, but is actually a small matter compared to the larger goal), and whether she is motivated by money (which is also a small matter), ultimately, if she properly manages the assets, invests money into the company, operates a company for women, passes the baton to the next generation of female CEOs, and creates a group of companies where women can thrive for a long time, and if she properly allocates money to areas that benefit women, then everything else is insignificant.

Apparently, the fundamental purpose was something like this. The visible, minor phenomena around it, such as whether she is motivated by money, are personal matters and therefore insignificant. The intention was to contact her with the desire to create a society where women can thrive, to connect group companies that will be passed down to the next generation, and to circulate assets for that purpose. There seems to have been a fundamental reason for that.

Whether that will actually happen is unknown. It's like a dream. I'll leave this story here for now.

The connections with partners can be divided into several patterns.

1. You only know of affection, and don't understand the concept of heart-felt love.
1-1. If someone is loving you with their heart (or you feel that way), if someone is actively approaching you, you should accept it. In this case, the relationship becomes one where the partner seems to love you unilaterally. Since you don't know that kind of love, you should be grateful to the partner who is loving you with their heart. However, what is often done is to reject them because you don't feel the same way. Since it's rare to have mutual love, you should generally accept someone who is a good person and loves you with their heart. If someone with common sense loves you with their heart, and they also have common sense and morals, such a person is hard to come by, so you should be grateful to that person. (Perhaps, I should have accepted more people who genuinely cared about me.)
1-2. If you love someone with affection, you can approach them. It's up to the other person. If the other person understands heart-felt love and accepts it, the relationship will go well. On the other hand, if the other person only knows affection and doesn't understand heart-felt love, there is a tendency for more problems to arise. It is important to determine whether the other person has common sense and morals before approaching them. (I have failed many times with this.)
1-3. If you seek heart-felt love from someone (even though neither you nor the other person understands heart-felt love), it is difficult. Asking for heart-felt love from someone who doesn't understand it is unreasonable, but this pattern seems to be surprisingly common. As a result, you may become dissatisfied if you are not loved enough. It's a luxury. (For example, a classmate who admired a love like that of "Adachi Tsumi" in high school might have been in this pattern.)
1-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-felt love and loves you with affection, it's unreasonable. If the other person has common sense and morals, it is a pattern that you can accept.

2. You understand heart-felt love. (This can be constant, or limited to a specific person for a certain period of time.)
2-1. If someone loves you with their heart and actively approaches you, it is almost the same as 1-1. You should be grateful that they love you and consider accepting it as a basic principle. This relationship has a high potential to develop into mutual love, even if it starts as a one-sided love. This seems like an ideal situation.
2-2. If you love someone with heart-felt love, you can approach them. It's up to the other person. This is almost the same as 2-1. Before approaching, determine whether the other person has common sense and morals. If the other person doesn't understand heart-felt love, there is a possibility of problems, but at least if they understand affection, there won't be as many problems. However, it is important to confirm whether that affection is truly directed towards you. If the other person doesn't have common sense and morals, there is a possibility of being exploited, so be careful.
2-3. Seeking heart-felt love from someone who doesn't understand it. This also seems to be a common mistake, but it seems difficult in reality. Even if you love your partner with heart-felt love, and your partner is not very enthusiastic, it is better to be satisfied if they are at least honest, serious, and have morals.
2-4. If the other person doesn't understand heart-felt love and loves you with affection, it is the same as 1-4. If the other person has common sense and morals, it is a pattern that you can accept.

In my case (before understanding this), the basic approach was pattern 1 (sometimes, pattern 2 with specific people), but I was quite insensitive and often ignored it. Now that I think about it, I could have been more accepting, and I should have been more grateful to girls who had feelings for me, and I could have had better relationships with girls. I've now transitioned to a more constant pattern 2, but I don't know how many opportunities I'll have to practice it. I think that the kind of romance depicted by Adachi Tsumu (a relatively constant, stable, and fairly universal) "heart's love" is something that only a few people can achieve for everyone in reality. In reality, I think it's sufficient if at least one person knows "heart's love" (at least in terms of feelings towards their partner), and if the other partner is a moral person.

When I write this, it might be misunderstood as if I'm saying that affection is a low thing, but affection is a pure and love-filled state. Affection is a possessive love, but that's because the love is strong. There are many people in the world who don't even know this level of love, and I think my father, my brother, or some of my relatives (especially my father's relatives) probably don't know affection very well, and that's why they always have twisted feelings, and sometimes, they only experience affection temporarily with specific people. The hierarchy I mentioned above is a hierarchy from affection to "heart's love," but similarly, it can be defined between the stage before affection and the stage of affection. I think my father and brother were in a learning stage of knowing affection from a stage before affection. And then, after affection becomes something natural, they learn "heart's love."

Because there is an asymmetry in romance, if you want to be popular, you need to first understand a higher level of love, and that will easily lead to the rule that the other person will be at an equal or lower level. For example, if you can reach "heart's love," you will be popular with people who are at or below that level (pattern 2-1, 2-4). If you reach the level of affection, you will be popular with people who are at or below that level (pattern 1-4). It's more appropriate and makes both parties happier to live a satisfied life with a partner who is at the same level as you (pattern 1-4, 2-1) than to expect something special from the other person, such as "heart's love" (pattern 1-3). On the other hand, if you are liked by someone who knows a higher level of love than you, you should be grateful for that good fortune and accept it (pattern 1-1).

If you have a partner who understands heart-centered love, there may not be as many problems. However, while heart-centered love is warm, it is also cool, and if you have only achieved the level of desire, it may not be enough for your partner. At the stage of knowing affection, you know a certain amount of love, although it is not as much as heart-centered love. Therefore, people at the stage of affection may have some constraints, but if they are a partner, I don't think there will be many problems. On the other hand, if you don't know much about affection and only know about desire, there will be many troubles. Therefore, so-called "innocent bitches" are often at this stage (they don't know heart-centered love, they don't know much about desire, and they are in the stage where desire is dominant). In the world, there are also some people who live only with possessiveness and survival instincts without knowing sexual love, and are learning about desire. So, it is better than those people, but even in the stage before sexual love, there will be many troubles. This is not a case where the stage changes completely and instantly, but rather overlaps somewhat. The way of life, thinking, attitude, behavior, and the form of love change depending on which stage is the person's main stage.

Before and after the Golden Week holiday, I experienced a forced flashback of memories from the past decade, re-experiencing them and reinterpreting them based on my current understanding. I believe I have largely sorted things out.

This time, by reconsidering and understanding the concept of love, I have been reborn, my consciousness has been renewed, and I have (clearly) known the love of the heart, making the world seem completely different and allowing me to feel that the world is wonderful (even more). Even before this, I had experienced a sense of tranquility and bliss through meditation, feeling the basic aspects of this sensation. However, those initial sensations I felt before were like a faint feeling with a cloud over my consciousness. This time, I have finally reached the stage where I truly know (the love of the) heart, and the world has changed, and I feel like I am living in a different world, beyond a certain threshold.

In the world, I see that there are surprisingly many people who are married without fully understanding their own level of love. On the other hand, there are also a considerable number of people who, even without explicitly calling themselves spiritual, genuinely love their partners and children with their hearts in their everyday lives. There are differences in understanding love between men and women, and each person's level of understanding is different, and these differences, along with the advantages and disadvantages of marriage, economic benefits, the desire for children, bragging rights, and status, all contribute to marriage. However, there are also cases where people marry because they love each other with their hearts. I have always been in this wonderful world. Therefore, I have not become special, but rather, something that was missing has finally become normal. The wonderful world is the normal state.

Since elementary school, I have been subjected to relentless bullying, which caused the "light orb" in my heart to break, shedding tears, and my mental state deteriorated. My mind detached from my body, leaving only a small amount of consciousness in my body, and I lived with mental exhaustion. I have finally repaired that light orb, and the mind that had detached from my body and wandered around, near and far, has returned, and my mind has recovered to the state it was before the light orb broke, allowing me to overcome mental exhaustion and feel the love of the heart again. The light orb is my very being, and it seems that since the light orb broke in elementary school, I have not been able to connect properly with this world. I have been in a state where my mind has been separated from my body, literally, where my mind has not been properly residing in this body. Therefore, since the light orb broke, my awareness of my physical sensations has been constantly blurred. This time, my mind has finally returned to this body, and my mind has begun to properly use my body. For a long time, my mind has been connected to my body only in a small way, and most of my consciousness has been asleep. This can also be said to be the state where my mind has properly resided in this body, and I believe that the same state is also the state of knowing the love of the heart. There were three light orbs when I was a child, and only one has recovered so far, so there is still more to go, but I think I have overcome a major hurdle. When the light orb (Purusha, divine spirit, pure consciousness) entered through the Sahasrara chakra, it was just entering, but it was not yet fully synchronized with the body. This time, my heart has opened, and the Purusha (pure consciousness) seems to have become even more synchronized with my body. From the perspective of manifest consciousness, it seems that my mind was lost and blurred, but from the perspective of Purusha (pure consciousness), it seems that my mind has been separated from my body. The mind that detached from me in elementary school has finally returned to my body. Even from the perspective of yoga and Vedanta, Purusha does not break, but it can separate from the body, and for decades, my mind has not been properly residing in my body, which is a state of mental exhaustion and a state of mental breakdown. This time, I have finally recovered my mind. My mind has returned to my body, and that is what has allowed me to feel the love of the heart. I have regained the sensations that I felt when I was a child. Now that I think about it, it is only natural that I would not understand the love of the heart or be able to have a successful relationship if my mind was not in my body. I was living mainly in my physical body. If there is no mind at all, one dies, but I think that for the past few decades, I have been living with about 20% of my scattered mind, compared to when I was a child. Therefore, it is only natural that my awareness has been blurred. Now, even though it has returned, it is only about 50%, and it seems that I am not yet in top condition. Despite being in such a state of mental breakdown, I survived thanks to the spirits of my past lives, specifically the wives (the souls of my previous lives, the souls of the same group soul as me) who were connected to me through group soul connections, who have always watched over me and worried about me.

This was a catharsis. As Aristotle said, by re-experiencing the tragedy of life with pity, fear, and love, one can achieve catharsis.

Now, I think that if one knows the love of the heart, the partner's openness will increase, and if one is sincere and trustworthy, one can get along with almost anyone. Or, if one approaches someone who knows the love of the heart, there is a high probability that they will be accepted (this may just be my thinking).

Various possibilities have emerged in the past few weeks, leading to various understandings of past events. This has not only illuminated the past but also suggested possibilities for the future. In reality, even if one sees the future through meditation, the extent to which that future reality is possible varies, and it is sufficient to look back at that time and say, "Ah, that was right," when reality occurs. A common mistake for those who are not familiar with spirituality is to say, "Because I saw it in meditation, it will happen. I will wait for it." If one does this, it often does not come to fruition, and only time passes, and one later regrets, "Ah, that was a misunderstanding." This is because the order is reversed. The understanding gained through meditation is what it is, and it should be used in the future, but there is no need to deny the premonitions seen in meditation, but basically, one should ignore them, and live as usual, as before. Therefore, even though various possibilities have emerged, they will not greatly change one's life.

The most important thing is the understanding of love, which will greatly change one's way of life in the future, and information and premonitions are secondary and not that important. The most important thing is that one has understood the love of the heart. "With the love of the heart, the world is wonderful, and the world is full of love, and (most) people are kind and shining." This is the most important lesson and understanding gained from reflecting on the past few weeks of life.